Day-014-Mad Mike as 'the adrenaline Junkie'

This is a follow up to:
Day-013-My Adrenaline Junkie character

In my last post I wrote about myself as the adrenaline Junkie. Within that I stated that the adrenaline junkie character gave me the experience of success. An experience I was not able to perceive as myself as such socially. Meaning in school, relationships, etc. What is my definition of success within and as this character of the adrenaline junkie and does this imply I defined other characters as losers? Was that adrenaline Junkie character a disguise to hide the character of a shy over sensitive kid? Why hide? How did I define success in the first place?


Success by dictionary definition: 
Accomplishing an aim or purpose.
Having achieved popularity, profit, or distinction: a successful actor.


Aim or purpose. A robot serving the master. Achieving popularity and then profit  lol. Yeah actors alright…

So as the Adrenaline Junkie, I was successful within sports I practiced. I trained a lot, I trained hard and I knew that in order to increase performance I had to step it up every time all the time. Within that I realized that stepping it up meant being out of my comfort zone regularly. It meant pushing and often push beyond the limits in order to find out what the limits were.

Being on and sometimes over the limit and becoming comfortable in that zone is a great confidence/character builder. At the same time I enjoyed myself racing and flying around as I slowly gathered experience in a playful way. Within that I see, realize and understand that I was able to apply myself because I also enjoyed myself. The more finesse I got the more I enjoyed myself the more I developed those characters.

What I remember well was the difference between playing around and train with trainers. Having support and be able to mirror what I was doing and within that I also allowed to push myself. It's because of that I can also see that a buddy system can speed things up significantly. At first there was permanent pain as I started to train. Sometimes I trained so hard I couldn't walk as I got home. I didn't complain because when you train there will be pain. No pain no gain. Interesting point to do a post on.

The more I trained the more I improved the more I conditioned myself the faster these pains would disappear and after a few years the whole experience of my body had changed. It was amazing to be able to train till my eyeballs popped and have my muscles on fire and go to school the next day with just this slight heaviness in my legs. I became 'strong' and sturdy. This was also the time I got interested in girls. Apparently girls liked strong and sturdy although I was not fully aware of it at the time. There was definitively a 'conscious' relationship I developed with my body. I felt very confident with my body.

Confidence as confide within the the 'I' of my ego as the strong and confident winner. Not seeing realizing and understanding 'I' conned myself and within that is the point of creating Icons as characters of success within and as me.

Sometimes I was amazed and surprised by what my body could do and more training meant less thinking. Less thinking meant relaxation hence the addiction. Having reflexes trained into the body, having a body that knows what to do and when to do it was such a cool realization and experience. That also showed me that fear was always me as the mind as projections, "what if I blow a tire", what if the rope brakes", what if the weather changes", " what if the boat sinks". It's these seemingly simple thoughts that fucked me up. Fear had nothing to do with my physical abilities. That was a realization I used a lot when I did visualizations to get over/push trough fears. There is always that first jump and it makes no sense to visualize a crash. Better start by visualizing a perfect jump. This worked!

One would expect me to use these insights in other aspects of my life as well but I didn't. Why? Other aspects of my life I did not enjoy. I did not enjoy being in school. Sitting on a chair with a body that only wants to move is pure torture. I did not enjoy learning. I did not enjoy social activities unless they where physical. At one point I was psychologically tested but they couldn't find anything out of the 'ordinary' except my ability to concentrate was below average. At the same time stuff I did as the 'adrenaline junkie' required utmost focus and concentration lol. All that bullshit made no sense to me. Within this is my "It has to be fun character". I other aspects of life I didn't push myself as hard as I did within sports and physical labour.

We always think we will be more successful than our parents who where thinking the same thing. That's what I thought. I was convinced I would be. So there is no authority and we don't have a clue. It's still strange to sit here writing this shit down seeing that as children we have all looked beyond the veil and at the same time there was nothing we could do. Exactly like our parents. What choices does a child have besides going crazy or suppress the whole thing and merge with the fuckup called success? What's the difference anyway? If I don't brake the pattern no one will.

My bike was my escape and I spend almost all my free time on my bike or doing other physical stuff. What I did not realize and what was never explained to me until I found the Desteni material, was my place in the system and how that system functions and operates. All I knew was that I hated everything that had authority written over it. Authority was my red flag. I would permanently question it, scramble it, be in it's way, spite it, be angry with it, test it, provoke it or feel victimized by it. I also saw that the system was real. I have always had that feeling of 'not being alone'. What I did not realize was that it was not god or some deity but my physical body that was always there. All that time I did not realize how I was fucking myself out of the system and into oblivion.

So there is the 'adrenaline junkie' character and it's behavior that created an experience of success within and as that character. There is the realization that I did not perceive myself to be successful in school, relationships and social behavior in general. Within that I see that every response/reaction I ever had created another character. Within this construct characters of success where created so characters of failure had to come into existence as well. I see realize and understand that within all my actions I created this polarity. If I create success I create failure as well. Some sweetness has to be added to compensate the bitterness. And within that polarity I generate heaps of energy, amongst others as the Adrenaline Junkie. Within that I see that it starts with slowing down and stopping creation and allow myself to be here!

I didn't create characters of success within and as a 'normal' boyfriend, classmate, guy next door etc.. because I already had those relationship experiences within my sport hence my body so what's the use? Whatever it was It had to be something 'special' and 'exclusive' at least as good as the 'adrenaline' experience. Nothing can do that except 'sex' hence… Within that I realize that I reacted to my reality reentering = reenacting, creating, acts as a chain of events that where all characters that ended up in relationships based on sex or at least a strong 'physical component'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect sex to my character of the adrenaline junkie thus introducing/infusing the junkie as a character within and as my sexual expression as well

Eventually it all leads back to the first character, my first ever response to failure or being unsuccessful. The whole thing looks like a snowball made of characters that failed rolling back in time getting bigger and bigger.

So why did I not feel comfortable within groups? Why did I consider myself to be unsuccessful socially? I met women who where girls from my past who told me they where madly in love with me back then and I couldn't believe my ears. I always thought that girls considered me to be a total freak back then. Within that I see that I must have had a very distorted view on my environment and girls in particular. So why where other kids more adaptable to the structure and why do I judge myself as a junkie within the point of wanting to escape reality? Where is my reality check?

Apparently I did not develop characters that functioned well within 'normal' social groups. Groups that need characters able to compromise, adept and process information within the script. No place for improv. Within that I see that I have always typecasted myself. I accepted, allowed and wanted to develop outlaw characters because outlaws are loners. I thought that I had to become completely independent.

Outlaws don't live happy lives. Outlaws are on the run with a trusty steed, a bag of one–liners and a gun to do the talking. They have sex but no attachments. They enjoy the good times in their own time. They live of the land and see the hand of 'god' in a grain of sand. They are homophobic but love their brothers in arms to death. Rough around the edges but romantics. They die for a higher cause not knowing what that is exactly. It makes no sense to them to have a family. Outlaws sacrifice everything to be 'free', whatever that is. They are the solitary samurai. Himalayan Yogis freezing their buts of. etc etc. Those kind of characters are my kind of characters. The ones 'I'-dentified with. They occupy me. Total character endorsement became my mind fuck. Who's typing here?

So within that I can see the point. I did not allow myself to become a successful character in a successful group/pact/act because I had created a herd of characters that spited success and within that my herd was exclusive special and unique. We were more than all that. The 'I am unique' character. What I did not see was that to become successful in a certain space and time is related to adaptability to group dynamics and culture, cult–us. The ability to read the scriptures and adept to the script as all the acts? I did the opposite (a lot).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become an adrenaline junkie

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become competitive and within that enjoy the sweet taste of success as the winner at the cost of the loser feeling depressed, seeing realizing and understanding that by becoming competitive I create the construct of winners and losers as the this system of haves and have nots thus keeping the system in place within that seeing realizing and understanding that if I don't change my physical actions towards actions that are in the best interest of all no thing will change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect confidence and power to being successful and competitive and within that allowing myself to connect enjoyment to being successful and competitive thus creating a construct of addiction to adrenaline within and as competition and success as the only way to enjoy/express myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to the experience of 'joy' within and as the effects of adrenaline and it's family of endorphins as the painkillers of my life as my religion within that realizing that adrenaline became the only substance I relied-on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think pain is nothing more than a electric warning signal within and as the nervous system not seeing realizing and understanding that pain has multiple dimensions within and as the physical body

I commit myself to investigate pain in all it's manifestations and find ways to dissolve pain as I walk this process 'of pain' seeing realizing and understanding that if I understand pain I can help myself dissolve it and if

I can do it others will to within that I commit myself to investigate into the nitty gritty why and how I allowed pain 'as my mind' to take control and enslave my physical body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the 'no pain no gain' family mantra the story of my life not seeing realizing and understanding that that created a chain of events where I physically harmed myself repeatedly and within that I did allow myself to hurt myself and others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project the 'no pain no gain' mantra unto my own child seeing realizing and understanding that I did this without a clear perspective on the point thus programming the same construct into my own child thus instead of removing it, reinstalling it, keeping it allive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify, copy and use other characters of extreme sport performers in order to create the same energetic reactions so I could feel charged and thus become even more addicted within the process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect confidence to a strong body and fitness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the formula of success is universal and can thus be applied universally and within that I see realize and understand that by not gifting myself the physical action of this universal formula within all aspects of my life became actually self sabotage within and as minimal progression within the point of success within and as the system as financial success.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to generate resistance towards education and theoretical studies in general accepting and allowing myself to think/believe I was not good and only had creative and physical talents and within that feed the character as the adrenaline Junkie creating energy, the food to feed the flames within and as the addiction to adrenaline

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/think/believe my life has to be fun every time all the time and within that allowed myself to go into the negative as the addiction to energy/adrenaline the moment things do not go 'my way'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry with my parents because they did not confront me within and as the adrenaline junkie offering support and showing me as the child what it was I was doing not seeing realizing and understanding that they were just as brainwashed as I am within this point thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take self responsibility within this point of becoming addicted to adrenaline

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see realize and understand what it means to be successful and within that to apply the power of self discipline as self corrective action and application because success also means succeeding and within that I see realize and understand that in order to be successful I have to succeed first.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the polarity of success and failure and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect success to money and power and failure to being poor and helpless, seeing realizing and understanding that within this I can only create more friction as I move between and create more polarities

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I cannot be successful and at the same time operate outside the system because the system is who I am within and as the system based on energy as profit and loss thus to know the system and operate within and according to the system changing it from the inside is the only way 'I' can become successful within and as the system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am more or could be more than the system seeing realizing and understanding that who I am is of the mind within and as the system and within this I realize that when and as I play a character I'm of the system instead of self directive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to come to the conclusion that I would have to do it alone and instead of doing it alone went into the polarity of becoming completely dependent on other people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that no matter how crazy I was the world would always be more crazy and within that did not allow myself to ever consider something outside of myself would be able to show me otherwise which proved to be untrue because when I started reading the Desteni material it became absolutely clear to me what I have accepted and allowed myself to become and the only way to get to the bottom of myself is starting to forgive myself and deprogram the program I have created by applying myself within this world within and as the physical self corrections I give myself

Day-013-My Adrenaline Junkie character

I was having a conversation with someone and he said he observed periods in my life where I would only talk about biking. Whatever the conversation was about I would somehow bend it and bring it back to biking. Within this I see that I have always allowed myself to become completely possessed within hobbies or sports. Who am I as this competitive and fanatical character? How did I build that character and why?

As a child I spend a lot of time outside. Specifically in or around trees. I loved climbing as long as I can remember. Looking back and seeing myself as a child climbing trees I see that I really enjoyed climbing. I see myself enjoying the way it involved all my senses, moving forward, back, left, right an also up and down which added another dimension. Then there was the experience of gravity and being suspended.


Speed
I also loved speed. And looking at my family I can see why. My father and his brothers are al post war children that grew up in a period that was all about 'the war'. Fighter pilots, spitfires, speed and espionage! I grew up with these stories about the second world war and all the technology involved. Most books I was reading as a little boy where about these subjects and I lived a lively fantasy with all these pictures. War and everything involved had (and still has) a big influence on the characters I create and live out.

Within this I created the character of the dreamer, not so interested in social activities and more distant from other kids. The voices in my head always told me why and how I had other, more 'important' things to do. Within my mind was this permanent fireworks display, this uninterrupted stream of fantasies and projections of big adventures I had to undertake.

Bringing the point here shows me how I existed within that experience of myself as that never ending stream of information that poured from my subconscious into my head. I realize I had no words to describe what was going on with me. I generated so much energy within me and that might explain why I couldn't sit still. Within this I see and realize that I was a compressed spring, always ready to spring into action. I felt stable and relaxed when I was moving. In other words doing something physical and within that would not be in my head so much. I would (as an adrenaline junkie) always  be looking for something that required total physical attention and involved all my senses as much as possible.

Pedalling
The moment I got my first bicycle was an experience I can only compare with the energetics of falling in love. I had butterflies in my stomach. My character on a bike was like this little energetic turbine spinning as I learned to bike and pedal my way around. Within this and on my bike I created a lot of characters. I was a pilot, racer, cop, fireman, astronaut etc. My bike allowed me to become every character that had fast as an expression.

I enjoyed speed and G–forces and the first roller coaster ride in a theme park was a life changing experience. Back home I would try to recreate that experience of being on the roller–coaster on my bike. With time biking became effortless. I was flying around and covering distances that would take me hours to do on foot. Biking around the neighborhood on my bike made my world smaller.

I was on my bike more than on my feet and biking to me felt more 'natural' then walking. Then BMX hit the scene and as I saw the first image of a real BMX bike I was stunned. It took me about two hours to completely strip my bicycle from all the unnecessary parts down to it's bare essentials and I created the BMX character. From that moment on I started digging trails with the other boys in the neighborhood who also stripped their bikes and adopted a BMX character. We had our private little BMX track next to our house. The stage was set and we enjoyed the play of flowing through berms picking up speed doing switchbacks and jumping around. I realize that playing the BMX character on a bike allowed me to be in 'the zone' and feel in control of myself instead of being ruled by the fireworks in my head.

Biking was my stability point, and because it involved a lot of falling it was also a 'character builder'. A way to express myself and within that is the point of feeling more confident on the bike than of the bike=in character out of character=on drugs of drugs. Whatever I takes to cope with the world.
That soothing tiredness after the adrenaline rush. Endorphins as the morphine to hide myself from the confrontation with myself. When I started doing less sport I started smoking more pot. I never looked at it like this but it makes total sense to me now.

Within all extreme sports people talk about 'the zone'. It's a place where 'normal' people would step on the brakes. Were you think you loose control. Fear steps in and a shot of adrenaline comes to warn you you are 'officially' outside your comfort zone and about to die. This is where most people start screaming inside a roller coaster because their 'instinct/fear' tells them to get out of the situation.

Fear as a personal coach
I always enjoyed that moment where I saw the fear inside myself come up and was able to greet it with a smile. The edge of fear became like a familiar character and if one is with a familiar character one tends to be more relaxed. When I found myself doing something extreme (stupid) I was always aware of the warning lights and alarm bells going of. I always felt fear but I was able to keep it in the background like my personal coach thus creating the character of the personal coach within and as my fears.

Within the zone all those little voices in my head where silenced. Rare moments where my mind would shut up for a few moments like standing inside the eye of a hurricane. There are a lot of kids who would be on medicines right now if it wasn't for their skateboard, BMX bike or whatever adrenaline pump they have.

Gaining Confidence within the zone allowed me to go beyond what I thought where my fears and faster than 'the competition'. That created the character of a winner and over time within that I created the adrenaline Junkie and extreme sports character. When I see interviews with guys from the xtreme sports community (they are mostly guys), I cant help but see the same characteristics coming from the same kind of script. Huge amounts of bravado, testosterone and a good skill set.

My thingie
I always had a fascination for extreme sports. Every opportunity I got to do something extreme I took no questions asked. As an adolescent they could have strapped me to a rocket unable to wipe the smile of my face. Looking back also within my family it makes sense. I identified myself utterly with characters of bravado, courage, fearlessness and speed. That whole thing they call extreme sports including the after party characters that belong to the scene.

Whatever we call ourselves within the activity or sports we practice in the end It's all competition and no one wants to be last. The place I compete is where I give my ego the 'all you can eat experience'. It's being with the monkeys screaming in the trees.

Sport could be so much more within and as a physical release and that's why I try to write some words down because I think that sport should be about physical expression without any form of competition or ratings and within that we will inevitably com across the money point.

I had to drive around and train on a piece of junk for years before I sold all my lego and got my first 15 kilo BMX bike that took a lot of leg to get moving. My adrenaline Junkie character spited (rich) kids and at the same time drooled over the bikes they had. Bikes that where 7-8 times more expensive than the little monster I drove around. The only status I could press out of my character was in the driving I did. I could only make sure I was fast and fearless. When I meet people I haven't seen for a while they mostly remember me as that character. Biking has always been my stability point and thus Achilles heel. No biking meant becoming unstable.

Recap
So within me is the character as the biker as confidence. Within doing extreme sports the adrenaline junkie character gave me the experience of success that I was not able to give myself in school, relationships, etc. Eventually this extreme sports character took the main stage on my world stage. Where I always had to push things over the limit. Where I always had the last say in things and provoked people in order to hide my own insecurity. It's why I pulled towards people that where a bit of center. Crazy ones, eccentrics, outcasts and underdogs. That's why I never was a successful athlete. I trained like one but lacked the ambition and discipline to compete every weekend and I feared the so called real athletes because I couldnt quite grasp where they where coming from. Apparently it was not my starting point to compete as an athlete and at the same time I enjoyed racing other guys in competition. I have been in competition with myself until I discovered within self honesty that I will eventually always be my own competitor like a dog chasing it's tail. Eventually the Mount everest will have an elevator and climbers will realize that you might as well cross the Sahara backwards. Eventually it's a biggest dick contest like all competition.

I created a character and with that came an addiction and as with all addictions I needed more drugs killing myself in the process. I wanted to beat myself which is impossible. I can only deprogram myself and that starts by killing my characters. It's funny to see that sports is actually more fun if there is no competitive character involved because it will become expression of self movement and within that I have to become intimate with myself. A point I have not yet fully embraced so an opportunity to observe myself as I slowly detox and deprogram the extreme sports character and allow self intimacy to step forth.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become completely possessed within and as the adrenaline Junkie

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for creating a competitive and fanatical character within and as the adrenaline junkie?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that I really enjoyed myself climbing as a child physically expressing myself within the experience of gravity and being suspended moving forward, back, left, right an also up and down without competitiveness and within that I forgive myself that I didn't see realize understand that this is my physical expression without the self-destructive competitive component, within that I see that I have created competition as the winner looser within thus allowing it to exist without.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and live the character of the dreamer allowing myself to isolate myself from others and within this I forgive myself for allowing myself to create the voices in my head as excuses to always have more 'important' things to do within and as the isolated character of the dreamer hypnotizing/identifying myself with the fireworks as my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I had no words to describe what was going on with me as a child where I generated so much energy and within that making it impossible to sit still and within that creating the external physical manifestation of restlessness not seeing realizing and understanding that my lack of vocabulary did not allow me to effectively communicate what was going on inside me within that I see and realize that I was creating a lot of tension creating a spring, always ready to spring into action thus creating a character of tension

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify and copy iconic and heroic characters not seeing realizing and understanding that by copying characters I am only creating more characters eventually loosing all sense of self and within that I forgive myself for abusing my physical body for competition like a race horse for sake of playing competitive characters

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that playing the BMX character on a bike allowing myself to be in 'the zone' and feel in control of myself was simply a distraction like all distractions where I would use the zone as a distraction/drug to experience myself for a short moment without the fireworks in my head and within that not realizing that this short meditation would not take away the point I was trying to escape within that I see I was already creating the basic construct for all addictions that followed later

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see falling of my bike abusing my physical body in the process as a character builder and within that I forgive myself for creating the character of the tough guy allowing myself to connect being on a bike to confidence thus creating on the bike=in character/of the bike=out of character and within that creating the basic impulse of using characters to deal with my internal turmoil instead of trusting the physical as breath as me here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to feel good endorphins created by exposing myself to physical and mental stress and within that abusing my physical body in the process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become depressed because I couldn't compete because of injuries inflected on myself by pushing myself over the limit and within that I forgive myself for not taking self responsibility for my own actions as the extreme sports character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel superior to others within the point of fearlessness within and as the extreme sports character being able to control my fears and project fearlessness as a distraction to hide my insecurities

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and others as lonely insecure guys overcompensating with huge amounts of bravado, testosterone and good skills within and as adrenaline junkies

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to I identify myself with the image and mentality of all-round sportsmanship, courage, fearlessness, speed that is called extreme sports including the after party characters that belong to the scene within and as image, looks, clothing, music, brands, and use of words

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compete in sports in order to give my ego the 'all you can eat experience' trough participating in competition with the soul purpose of winning at the cost of others

Day-012-I do perceive here a divided duty. Othello. ACT I Scene 3

The moment I finish my coffee I see the character that is my private self take a deep breath and leave the house to enter the world stage. Often that deep breath is my private character (the one I'm most comfortable with) realizing it has a few hours ahead to play as another character. And so my days are filled with acting out scripts that my mind as the director presents me with. I realize there is no self direction what so ever. Every scene I play is coming from the main character I call me. Where I hear myself say sorry that's typically me or I'm sorry that's how I am. Moments of total integration with the main character. A being in character.

In acting school they have a name for it called method acting. Becoming the character. What does that make me before I go into character, before another character? Where does it end? Is there a me or is it simply my mind presenting me with countless scripts and storyboards to choose from on a stage where I interact with billions of other actors?

From where or what do I go into character? If I'm not in character then what am I and where am I? It's a very cool point to look at because looking out into my world I see only projections of the characters I'm creating as reactions. My days are like a chain of improvisational sketches with the occasional passages I did memorize as I play 'the professional'. Within this I realize that growing up is ACTually going to acting school and working was the first serious role I played. I play the role of the father, lover, devil, demon, looser, etc. Played them all. My whole life is one big role playing game without ever realizing I was doing it. Totally forgot/suppressed what it is like to experience being here as breath without a script. What it is like to not re-act but to take action. The simplicity of walking by placing one foot after the other.

Isn't it completely absurd to look around and see that I'm only fucking acting out without ever realizing that this is not life. That I'm busy playing out predetermined scripts. I created so many characters I lost count a long the way and now I'm lost in wonderland talking to a rabbit.

I find myself lying on the couch as this lost character talking to a another character that plays the shrink. It's about time I start asking myself if all this acting I do is actually bringing forth something that is best for all? Can I ask myself? because that's like asking the director to give me another role to play.

Where do I start? How do I get to that point where I stop writing characters from the same alphabet to create scripts that have already been played by my other act-ore's a billion times? When do I act accordingly? Do I realize that nothing I do is act-u-all original in anyway? This realization for example is coming from me the character playing the observer. There is no realness here, I'm pixelated, recorded, projected and lost in the script presented by the internet at this very moment.


"I have to stop my thoughts" - character - it's a character because "I HAVE to stop MY thoughts" - then there's an I and a My and a "have to" - in this character, does one then ever really stop thoughts? The difference between character and Here, is a doing/living action in the moment, so whenever there is a statement instead of immediate application: you're creating a character" -


Sunette Spies


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge all and everything as real not seeing realizing and understanding that all I see is characters forming words that make up the scripts that define the actors that live up and play to generate the pixels of reality where I'am lost within the play as the characters I play with.

I commit myself to observe myself as the characters I play in order to identify my ACTions to stop acting and become real as breath to remain here as breath and forgive myself for the creation of characters that cause physical harm as my projections of and as reality.

Links:
Breaking Character by Jozien Fokkert
Here

Personality suits by Heath Ledger
Part 1
Part 2

My life as a character by Maya Harel
Here

Stepping out of Character by Bernard Poolman
Here

Day-011-The phonetic mantra of bohemian rhapsody's

Who am I within the word fanatic?
Someone made a 'joke' regarding me reciting mantra's phonetically because I was to lazy to learn them. Calling them cellphone calls for quick ascension lol. Indeed my quick ascension never took place. So I probably prevented myself from some sort of (brain)damage by not reciting myself into eternal bliss which is quite a joke in itself.

I have been on a few 'spiritual' endeavors where I found myself completely lost within the Vedic spiritual tradition. Within that I was introduced to the concept of mantra quite early. The Vedic tradition and the east in general has a strong emphasis on mantra and there is a 'good' reason for that. Its a powerful recipe for brainwashing. It's like a neurolinguistic turbo charger and within that application It's used multi purposely for anything. From Nazi propaganda to learning thousands of religious verses to learning math to memorizing extremely long musical patterns etc. etc. You could say that everything you rehearse/repeat within a certain frequency/rhythm is a mantra.

So I ended up legs crossed, fasting, hungry with a teacher that says "Repeat after me":

'nadanada-didanada-nana-dadigidigidumdumdumdum-dagadagadedude-dudedede-dudedede-adedodamdo-dam-etc…

Practical stuff when you are a percussionist who plays with two hands + ten fingers in various settings with no paper to write on. A mind fuck if you recited yourself into an office cubicle/cave with your ass freezing off or your head on the keyboard only to realize that the cave or cubicle is still there after your return from nirvana in the head.

We learn learn shit by repeating (repetition). It's not exceptional to have musical pieces in india that have a 36 up to a 128 bar rhythmic basis. Compare that to a four bar basic disco beat and an alleluia and you get the picture. To state that 'Bohemian rhapsody' is a complex song would make a lot of young musicians in india scratch their heads (although they have a hard time grasping Freddy Mercury when he sings 'to open your eyes and to see that there is no escape from reality' so let's learn from each other here).

The fan in the attic
The spiritual product I bought into belonged to one of the oldest musical traditions in India, rooted in sound and mantra while I come from a tradition of little discipline and do what the fuck you like when you like it. Trying to merge the two cultures proofed to be a challenge. I listened, I tried and tried again and couldn't get the shit down. There I sat looking around humming along with other light seeking beings from the West trying to sound enlightened.

So within that I realize that I actually prevented myself from brainwashing myself to a certain extend by not knowing what the fuck I was chanting about and being to fucking lazy to find out, humming phonetically something that sounded like mantra's. Looking back on it I can only smile seeing how utterly lost I was. As I lay in bed pondering on these points the word phonetic opened up like this:

 i-Phone-Tic-Fan-Attic-Phonetic-Fanatic-The Fan in the attic.

Combining aspects of these words from the dictionary gives me a few interesting perspectives.

- speech sounds
- detailed phonetic information
- symbols and sounds
- phonetic training
- speaking communicating
- excessive and single-minded
- extreme religious or political
- obsessive interest in and enthusiasm for something
- inspired by a god
- possession by a god or demon
- an apparatus with rotating blades that creates a current of air for cooling or ventilation
- a person who has a strong interest in or admiration for a particular sport, art form, or famous person
- space or room just below the roof of a building

So within how I defined this word there is me as the one making a call, praying and searching for information, being a fanatical fan becoming possessed as I spiral out of control where I single-mindedly loose myself within and as religious adoration for things I define as bigger then me. My believes become all I have and form the God-Demon people, friends, lovers, relations I call my personality that I live out to a point of becoming the fanatic constantly as me franticly communicating chaotically while expressing myself creatively, egocentrically and artistically.

Ask anybody who knows me and they will confirm and describe a few of the points mentioned because the points stick out as the spikiness that's me. I'm that bee in the hive and this my behavior. This is the core actor you meet. It's my character the caricature of me as this world It's what I have accepted to become within as the world without.

The picture that came up was also fascinating. I saw a classical fan hanging in the attic at the highest point in the house spraying a thick spiritual fog through the house that made it impossible for me to see where I lived within this physical reality that is my body. That highest point in the house as within chakra psychology representing the seventh chakra on top of the skull and the lowest point being the basement as the tailbone thus my entire body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a fanatical personality and within that become automated, a machine that has to be fanatical within and as everything I do

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realise and understand what it means to slow down and embrace myself as the limitations I create by being fanatical and not allowing myself the experience of being at ease with myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be in relationships in which I would find common ground within the same religious obsessions and fanatical behavior in order to feel accepted and not take responsibility for my own words and deeds

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within being fanatical not give myself the gift of patience and making mistakes in order to experience that failing can be without self judgement and is about falling and standing up to walk the correction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to harm other beings in my world by ignoring my own observations within being and becoming possessed at the cost of others as the fanatic that did not stop until al was destroyed

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realise and understand that by being fanatical I'm always and only operating as ego and within that I will take nothing into consideration and only serve my best interest at the cost of others  always

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the fanatical consumer seeing myself always wanting to have more and within that I always want to have the best things, seeing realizing understanding that within the consumer model there is no 'best thing' because the 'best thing' would be what is best for all instead of what I want.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become fanatic within sports where I tried to compensate my inferiority by amplifying my urge to win realizing and understanding that by participating within the point of winning I was only creating more separation as the winner opposed to the looser.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let fear and paranoia of making mistakes as the male ego become the main motivators for me to move myself in this world thus creating a starting point of stress and anxiety as me as the fanatic striving for perfection and fanatically trying to live up to those self created images seeing realizing and understanding that it is impossible to live up to picture projections and within that I forgive myself for hiding out of fear of making mistakes and to be seen as imperfect

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe perfection exists within me as the mind when only the physical as the flesh can claim any authority within that point for I as the mind can never be more perfect than the physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a fanatical perfectionist within and as the mind as a projection of perfectionism seeing realizing and understanding that perfection as a concept/projection/perception implies I also accept imperfection to exist and within that I see that perfection can only exist as physical action within the best interest of all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that I as the fanatic limited myself by not allowing myself to slow myself down seeing and understanding that my fanatical behavior is often me as the mind trying to understand with the mind what can not be understood by the mind creating friction as energy as mind possessions where I allow myself to become completely fanatic

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react energetically to authority to advertisements and observations, parents, friends, teachers, the educational system, doctors, psychologists, the industry, society, fellow consumers that saw/see me as a fanatic and dysfunctional/sick child having an 'illness' like: adhd, asperger, pdd, authism or whatever label beings have put on me without seeing realizing and understanding that the origin of my behavior existing within and as me as the mind is always an outflow/projection of the world I accepted to exist outside.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fanatically defend my limitations and then switch to bravado to hide behind using my male ego

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a fanatical lover and wanting to be perfect within that point as the lover

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the fanatical partner, hiding within my relationships projecting my own shit on my partners creating more turmoil instead of taking self responsibility and giving to my partners as I would have like to receive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fanatically defend my own believes and become intolerant to other peoples viewpoints or perspectives always skeptical, cynical, questioning, discussing and projecting/defending my own standpoints and if necessary manipulate people within debate in order to come out on top as the winner or at least get the energetic rush of feeling like one.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to loose the ability to listen and respond with common sense limiting myself, excommunicating myself within and as the turbulence as the fan in the attic

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel disgusted with myself within seeing myself existing within and as the horror I create as the fan in the attic, as the fanatic creating turbulence instead of remaining here as breath within every moment

Day-010-Who am I within the word 'intelligent'

What is intelligent? Does intelligence make me better, more valuable, more interesting? Does intelligence bring me down do earth? Does intelligence influence my behavior? Is intelligence a religion. Does it bring me closer to the truth? When am I dumb or intelligent? When I accumulate lots of 'bits' of knowledge and information does that make me intelligent? Can I hide behind the pretence this world is to complex for me to understand so I can remain separated and let separation exist?

intelligent |inˈtelijənt|
adjective
having or showing intelligence, esp. of a high level: Annabelle is intelligent and hardworking 
| an intelligent guess.


• (of a device, machine, or building) able to vary its state or action in response to varying situations, varying requirements, and past experience.


• (esp. of a computer terminal) incorporating a microprocessor and having its own processing capability. Often contrasted with dumb.


DERIVATIVES
intelligently adverb


ORIGIN 
early 16th cent.: from Latin intelligent- ‘understanding,’ from the verb intelligere, variant of intellegere ‘understand,’ from inter ‘between’ + legere ‘choose.’

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to ask the question, who am I within the word intelligence?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word intelligent as positive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word dumb as negative

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my (artificial) intelligence as the automaton as the mind to calculate solely to manipulate the world around me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I can use my intellect as the ability to write myself out in order to reflect upon my words as the expression of who I am within the word intelligent and allow myself to see common sense points within my reality where I misguide and manipulate myself through knowledge and information as intelligence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become impressed, humbled, jealous and possessed hearing people speak with 'intelligence' and intelligent 'vocabulary' assuming that because people speak with authority they have authority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the word intelligent as good

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the word dumb as bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spite the word intelligent within and as the aspect of being successful in this world, not seeing, realizing and understanding that projecting the word intelligence as spitefulness towards success meant separating myself from success

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect making money and becoming rich and independent to intelligence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see intelligence within others as a threat and within that allowed myself to react energetically within and as fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as dumb because I accepted and allowed myself to believe intelligence has something to do with being smart or having 'special' abilities, seeing realizing and understanding that within the system passing tests is about giving the right answers and showing desirable behavior not about understanding and doing what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to loose myself within the energetic charge of playing mind games with so called intelligent beings within the elitist point of feeling superior within a group, seeing realizing and understanding that this very act is separating myself from all as an elitist as knowledge and information as intelligence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within intelligence as strategic information used in order to win personal wars instead of using common sense within and as intelligence to see, realize and understand what I have to do and when to do it to get things done within the best interest of all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to from a standpoint of superiority classify myself as an intelligent and complex person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word intelligent to complexity allowing myself to develop a pattern of always making things unnecessary complex and blurry thus wasting time and not giving myself the opportunity/chance to see and thus act within and as common sense.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to classify myself as a complex person because others classified me as complex thus allowing myself to exist within and as the complex person thus allowing myself to judge others as simple.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe complexity exists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live intelligence as gathering information creating a self defined user manual within my mind to deal with existence not seeing, realizing and understanding that existence as a whole is a pre programmed system based on the same knowledge and information available as lived by the ones before me and within that I realize that knowledge and information is the veil of reality as the mind that I have used in order to not have to face the reality of me as the very creator of such knowledge and information as 'intellect' to make myself be 'more' than the reality that is here, as myself, as the physical. Thus I commit myself to write out who I am as knowledge and information so that I ensure that I go self-forgiving the relationships formed with knowledge and information as 'who I am' and establish myself as the directive principle in every moment, instead of acting out of past patterns of knowledge and information that do not represent who I am here as the moment of breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that I'm limited in awareness as knowledge and information and thus have to question everything that comes up in my mind as intelligence and test this within the equation of equality in order to make sure my thoughts become aligned with what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that intelligence like any other 'program' has no value in itself other than computational power and that it is up to me the user of the computer to determine how to use that 'power'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have valued knowledge and information more than my physical health thus accepting and allowing myself to drain my flesh of the life there is as me as flesh

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within communication use intelligence as knowledge and information to manipulate other beings into a state of confusion by getting under their skin

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within intellectual masturbation/entertainment producing strings of knowledge and information not realizing that what I'm doing is without any substance or practical application within this physical reality thus a complete waste of time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that intelligent means 'to understand' and that within the context of understanding I never understood who 'I' was within 'who I am' as knowledge and information and within that I see realize and understand that there is nothing original within my expression as knowledge and information.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be/become more like other people as knowledge and information not seeing realizing and understanding that 'intelligence' at this points becomes competition as 'manipulation' instead of 'understanding' because if I understand I will see that intelligence means to understand and act within the best interest of all.

I commit myself to use my intellect to expose myself as what I have accepted and allowed to become as intelligence as the mind as my personality and behavior

Day-009-Can I have some privacy?

At home realizing that although I'm alone I'm also part of a group and within that I see myself in my kitchen alone 'wanting/claiming/having my privacy'. I'm walking trough the house naked wondering what I would do if I would not be alone right now?

Would I behave differently? Would I take on a different personality. From that perspective what is 'privacy' more than claiming a space for myself away/separated from 'the rest'? An exclusive form of separation by creating the luxury article of privacy for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act like a junkie thinking I can escape the horrors of reality by having a moment for myself, a moment of privacy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that there is no escape from reality within and as privacy, seeing realizing and understanding that there is no privacy within birth, illness and death thus my privacy is my participation within and projection of me unto this world as the creator of privacy as separation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that by living privacy I separate myself from the rest as a private not sharing myself my emotions, feelings, insights and realizations thus excluding/separating myself from the rest by wanting more than others as privacy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize see and understand that when I claim/occupy a (private) space I take space instead of give space.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my feelings of shame, frustration, anger and guilt for not living the realization that keeping something for myself as privacy is steeling from the rest and within that context I see I have never given as I would have liked to receive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for myself when others got something and I did not, realizing and understanding that I have never given the way I would have liked to receive because I always wanted my own private part within and as victory, to 'take' the win no matter what by manipulating everything and everyone within and as my kingdom of privacy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take on private personalities within and as privacy realizing seeing and understanding that by doing so I allow myself to create multiple separated personalities as different levels of privacy I project unto or believe to exist within this world and by doing so create points of separation between myself and reality as these private personalities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing privacy to exist within and as me, becoming the dictator of my own privacy as the creator of separation within this world as the gap between those that can build walls to separate themselves from those unable to escape the horrors of daily reality within this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have the right to privacy as the right to not be disturbed, not seeing realizing and understanding that it is me as my mind that is wanting the exclusive right to manipulate me within the seclusion of my privacy, seeing and understanding that within this point 'my' privacy becomes my own bribery.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that within the point of privacy I have the right to do what I want when I want it, seeing realizing and understanding that what I allow to happen is a full on ego-trip at the cost of others where I choose to replace reality with 'my privacy'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that the concept of privacy is an addiction to self interest where I choose to distract myself and avoid the rawness of me within and as the creator of privacy as separation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that no matter how high I build the walls of privacy around me, the certainty of reality will always be on the other side showing me how I separated myself within and as privacy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to escape reality and seclude myself within and as privacy where I claim the right for me to see only as I want at the cost of all others. Lost within an ego-trip where I can see and do all things my way.

I commit myself to correct myself within these moments of self defeat and stop whining about my right to privacy seeing, realizing and understanding that it's me wanting to close my eyes and not take responsibility for what I have created in this world through participating within privacy.

I commit myself to investigate, identify, expose within and as myself the constructs of privacy where I accept and allow myself to go private, seeing realizing and understanding that through exposing my points of privacy I expose within me the points of not taking self responsibility for the fact I am part of a group.

Day-008-Advanced negotiating skills and the road to succes

(talking to much part II) 

So I'm looking at this possession where I start to talk and talk and talk. A simple question like; "is it raining outside?" will become a speech about low pressure zones and humidity. Talking for the sake of talking. Where I miss a point and allow myself to start making this horrible noise and drift off into this strange dimension spewing out knowledge and information causing the weather to change.

All this chaos  instead of saying; "yes it's raining outside".

I know someone who's infected with the same virus and what I observe with him is that this mechanism of talking to much kicks in the moment he's not getting attention or cannot participate within the conversation because the subject is unknown. He sees this is happening but he cannot help himself. He will interrupt, change the subject and start blabbering exactly like I do. I'm accepting and allowing myself to be overruled by emotions of inferiority and self doubt which triggers this pattern where my mind will find a source of knowledge and information related to the subject and start spewing out words. These are batlle raps coming from the ego where I claim all the space not allowing the other person to just be. In fact ignoring the person the moment I start to rant. Not taking the person into consideration what so ever. My gift to humanity becomes this blabbering personality. WTF part II.

In a nutshell this is what I observe within myself. A mechanism to focus attention on myself with no reason other than getting attention and this process is so automated that I become the talk I talk. It's an energy addiction manifesting itself as verbal diarrhea It happens regardless of the consequences and it fuck's up important moments in my life because I cannot be effective within communicating myself. It limits me within everything because it's fucking up my communication completely; a point that really counts in a world of money and information. I see that being able to have a conversation that stays on track and to the point and that not wastes time thus money is key in this world we live in at the moment. From whatever perspective I'm looking at it it's stupid and it has to stop. I commit myself to slow this process down and stop myself participating within this construct of talking to much.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to talk to much

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste other peoples time spewing out verbal diarrhea as knowledge and information

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop myself as I start to talk to much and spew out useless knowledge and information

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to present a enhanced picture of myself in order to be perceived as something I am not, realizing that I do this out of inferiority where I allow shyness to become verbal diarrhea.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to what to give a perfect presentation of myself realizing seeing and understanding that I have no definition of perfection and whatever I do It would be a projection thus not real

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see realize and understand that perfection is a physical process and not something the mind can produce

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a screw up because I failed to present the perfect picture

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe something like a perfect picture could exist.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel embarrassed seeing myself within this repeating pattern of talking to much

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a bad performer seeing realizing and understanding that it's the very act of acting and playing out re-acting to my own energy that is the cause for ending up in this painful situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value myself as inferior for having self doubt

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the surge of energy that came up as enthusiasm while talking to another person

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to switch into or accept another personality to possess me completely within and as the point of talking to much

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the mistake of going into the old pattern of talking to much because I fear the unknown within as a new expression of silence within me

30 05 2012-I talk to much

I have been in this situation so often it's becoming ridiculous. I have to take this point by the balls because it's starting to really bug the hell out of me.  Ok, first of all it's painful to admit that I talk 'too much'! Yes I'm that person that starts talking and then you wonder what the fuck is this guy going on about? I'm the fucker that usually spoils the 'party'. Taxi we are leaving? I start and don't stop. I'm capable of having a conversation and then start monologging like a villain to a superhero. I'm aware I'm doing this. However I keep talking. WTF! Why is it that I know I talk too much? And why is my ego interfering at the moment. Because I didn't gave a perfect presentation of myself. I was not the man I wanted to present. I wanted to be something I'm not (yet). I didn't want to be that guy that talked to much. I don't even know if the person enjoyed my company. Could be or not be. Whatever the case I talked too much and I don't feel good about it and that is an emotional response so let me investigate that shit.

I know some people tend to find me interesting enough to start a conversation. I'm not rich, so they are not after my money. The looks? Don't think so. I don't have to hide myself but Tom Ford has nothing on me. All I know is that I have a mode where I talk to fucking much. Why? See me. Here I am. I have a voice. I do exist. I have an opinion. I'm capable of understanding fairly complex concepts so I'm not stupid. I like your companionship now let me entertain you so you be entertained. Don't leave your seat and please stay for the second act. Don't leave me in this empty theater called my restless mind where I don't know what to do with myself. I might have an overwhelming urge to present myself but I have a big enough inferiority complex to use as an excuse. Sorry that's how I am, can't help myself now let me be and swarm in self doubt, sorry, self reflection. That sounds much more grown up doesn't it you innocent ego you are.

I had a very pleasant encounter with another dog owner. We let the dogs play around and as we where sitting by the water listening to our dog stories we talked about dogs and we where enjoying the expression of the dogs playing around. It soon became clear that we had a openness we shared towards one another because It was very easy to talk. I didn't experience the reservedness I mostly encounter when I meet people in public. Often people are closed up and don't want to share themselves and it's a robotic hello, nice weather and goodbye. So as we talked it soon became clear we had some things in common. I was invited for coffee so we walked to her house where the conversation continued. We both are from the same village and it became clear we are related as family. Which explained the resonance I felt with this person. However as more and more facts where shared I somehow ignored the energy surge within me that came up as enthusiasm. I accepted and allowed myself to switch into that personality of myself as the orator telling stories because I want to tell the stories. I became A blabbering waterfall of verbal entertainment diarrhea. This person might have had a different experience I am absolutely sure I allowed myself to get possessed. I gave myself a finger and I had to take the whole hand.

So I cant help myself. Mmmmm. Well I can actually. Fuck! I have al the tools at my disposal. I can count to ten, breath, listen and observe myself. Why de fuck did that go down the drain tonight? I made a mistake (again) how to take the next take?

To be continued

Day-007-I'm a cannibal

"The fear that is stress that become poison"

I woke up before my alarm clock. It was 05.10 this morning and the first thought that ran trough my mind was, 'that's less than 5 hours of sleep'. I realized that this was my first thought of the day and it was about value lol. So I breath brought myself back where I was. In bed relaxed. Birds where whistling outside. I became aware of my body. The state of relaxation my body was in and the tension in certain muscles because I played with the dog yesterday. As I opened my eyes listening to hundreds of birds twittering away outside I smiled because of the bizarre loudness they produced.

Then my mind switched on like a machine gun. I was not awake for longer then 30 seconds and thoughts about work ahead of me today started firing. As soon as this happened I noticed I was no longer here listening to the birds. Electricity as tension came up from my stomach and from there it spread into and over my entire body. My body went from fluidly relaxed to static magnetic within seconds as I focussed on the pictures in my mind related to the work that lay ahead of me today.

I thought about where I left my work last week and where I would have to pick it up today and how to get things done without getting completely drained and be able to work on another assignment I have at home. I allowed myself to go from awareness here in my bed listening to the birds to a projection in my mind projecting myself behind my computer a few hours from now drowned in my daily activities. I went from relaxed to complete tension within seconds and I noticed what this did to my body. It was quite a horrible experience and I realize I must do this almost every day when I wake up and switch on as the mind.

The moment I start thinking, me here becomes me there in the mind as thoughts connecting to images generating emotions as energy. In this case negative energy as stress I could feel manifesting in my body very clearly. All thoughts related to my responsibilities in daily life that relate to survival. It's where I experience fear as self judgement. Fear of not getting things done in time. Fear of underperforming. Fear of being judged. Fear I might loose what I have. Fear to loose as not to win. Not being 'good enough', efficient enough. Al this within the first sixty second after waking up into a body that was relaxed and I'm allowing it to go into complete tension becoming overpowered by the bombardment of energy generated by the mind as my fears.

This 3 dimensional tension, hardly noticeable but it's there and it's within every muscle of my body. So this is what happens to me as I go from the physical to the mind. I slowly kill myself as this subtle tension I allow to creep into my body. Me as the mind poisoning my physical body. Is this is how I kill my body slowly but surely as stress? Is this the slow suicide I accept and allow to become my daily reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value my amount of sleep as to much or to little

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not allow myself to become aware of my physical body within the physical when I wake up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the gift of a relaxed body the moment I wake up and start my day

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not allow myself to wake up into reality, instead wandering of into the mind the moment I wake up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project thoughts, ideas and emotions onto my day within my mind instead of becoming aware of my physical body when I wake up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let stress enter my body when I wake up which decreases my flexibility thus making me less flexible

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let fear as projections within my mind manifest as stress hormones within my body knowing they will eventually make me sick and kill me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my responsibilities become projections of fear related to failure before I am aware of my physical body when I wake up

I commit myself to check my physical body the moment I wake up. To breath and bring myself here as the first action after waking up because I see realize and understand that it is my mind that is addicted to energy that's consuming my physical body.

Day-006-Who am I within the word stability?

I'm having great difficulty picking myself up and then move myself towards self honest self reflection. It wasn't always like that. So is it because I start to see the true nature of who I am as ego within self reflection. Is it because I see that self reflection is not some spiritual trip but factual physical labour without any soothing or comforting elements. That self reflection in the true sense of the word means taking self responsibility for everything I have created which is an overwhelming realisation to begin with. There is no ego satisfaction within self honesty thus everything as self support now meets resistance as ego. It's the unknown for me as real physical resistance. I don't feel stable anymore because I see that stability as being able to believe I am is not real. Stability in my world is about money.

Does stability exist or is it a concept? How have I defined stability? Who am I within the word stability? The same goes for what is happening in my life. Have I defined stability as being in control? Where can stability be found? How do I create stability? 'Stability' I cannot find a better definition than 'money'. In my life in this world 'stability' equals money and because some have more than others there will never be stability thus I will never know real stability unless all are stable within the point of money. Do I want all to be stable? Yes. That's why I commit myself to an equal money system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the future within and as financial instability

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the future within the point of being self responsible for making my own money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the future within the realization I have to walk alone within the point of money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking self responsibility for my financial future

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not voice my fears about money in self honesty instead ridiculing them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not look at my fears in specificity and the places they originate from.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate my fears instead suppressing and/or ridiculing them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be self honest about my fears

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear getting sick as a consequence of suppressing fear within and as stress

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being unable to work because of being sick

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/act as more than the physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the unknown that will emerge after I let go of what I have defined myself as that is of ego

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear death as the deconstruction of my personality as my accepted believes, emotions and feelings

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the change taking place within standing up and moving myself as physical action to change my own creation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear reactions towards me as I change myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my relationships will change as I change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear looking within myself and this reality from a self honest perspective as my own creation as reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the point of taking self responsibility for what
I see as my own creation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as cold and without humbleness realizing seeing and understanding that this humbleness has to be reconstructed after I deconstruct the coping mechanism I experience as apathy within myself and this world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that wanting to be more than the physical as the mind can only happen within the mind and thus can never be real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in the concept of mind over matter seeing realizing and understanding that matter only change through words lived as physical action

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take physical action when seeing points I can change instantly by simply doing them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see and approach writing myself out as an obligation instead of a gift to self

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that seeing points to face within daily life have something to do with intellect or being smart

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that being able to apply common sense is some sort of special talent

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as stupid, not smart, dumb, and thus do not deserve to be part of the group seeing, realizing that this is self sabotage because it's within physical action where I define myself as someone who is walking with the pack or not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give to me the gift of writing myself out as a daily physical action where I confront myself with resistance in order to push trough the resistance

I see realize and understand that this is a process of action followed by action and the less 'mind' is involved the faster I will be able to walk my steps towards birthing myself as life

I commit myself to stay focussed on pushing myself towards more physical action within the point of not waisting time and being efficient

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge points within reality as small or insignificant seeing realizing and understanding that nothing is too small or insignificant if I include all and thus what is best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore physical signs of stress as pain within my body

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself or my actions as stupid or insignificant

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into distractions of the mind and within that not giving myself the one and only solution which is physical action as not accepting and allowing myself to give into distraction and fucking write myself out whatever mambo jambo it will be

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear looking at all of reality which includes my fears and uncertainties

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking responsibility for every aspect of my daily reality and to think I'm incapable of directing my life and overcoming my fears

Day 005-Fearing the Being sick

Over the last few days I felt illness manifesting inside my body. I felt increasingly weaker, couldn't concentrate well. I got a sore throat and nose. A tooth pain developed that crawled up behind my nose and right eye which became a permanent headache. It was weekend so I didn't make a great deal out of it thinking it could be anything. The pollen in the air, a stress release. However as the days past I allowed myself to become more and more unstable and somewhere down the line I felt fear.

I see myself lying in bed on painkillers with this pain in the background waiting till the drugs wear of. I see myself wondering if the pain will be gone by the time I have to get back to work because I will not be able to do my work in this condition. At this point I see myself lying in bed sick making projections about the future out of fear related to work thus money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make projections about the future while being in bed feeling sick.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear pain connected to being ill
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear feeling physically uncomfortable
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being unstable and unfocused caused by physical illness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect weakness to illness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the ability to concentrate to being healthy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make projections about the future out of fear because of being ill instead of standing one and equal with my physical discomfort breathing and allowing the pain to tell it's story.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge being ill as a mind trick to procrastinated jobs at hand

Day 004-All astray

All ash trays - ashes to ashes - dust to dust - Am I?
I was a serious believer in a 'god almighty' and within that I loved to debate about god and his creation with people. On Facebook I keep running into believers and sometimes I find myself in a conversation with a religious person although I urge myself to avoid those. Religious people tend to monolog and advertise religion instead of debating and reasoning about what they actually state as the truth so help them god. What's fascinating and stands out for me when speaking with most religious people is how they answer straight questions. Or should I say 'do not'. Yesterday I responded to a few religious one-liners someone placed online and this whole thing opened up. I reacted because the words 'lost souls' where used which are demons from a christian perspective as they where from my perspective. This is what was placed:

If you can save even one lost soul
Your name is on his attendance roll
If you can truly learn to be his guide
His mercy will flow from his wounded side
If you maintain to be a peace maker
He will forever be your caretaker
If you remain in his love of all things above
His spirit will surely come and rest upon you like a dove

My response was:
How do I dentify a soul and within that a lost one? How can I save that which is all ready lost? How can I make peace if peace cannot exist because we exist in separation? Why do people avoid the tough questions that would require oneself to rethink and change believes?

[S]
You are toughly prejudiced...have to change to be convinced...you need an identification...of God's justification...then you will never exist in separation...I cannot change my belief...which turns my distress into relief...it is purely a matter of choice...things will change when you get to hear his voice ...for the lord forces himself on none...his loving kindness draws towards him his people one by one...!!!

[me]
If you cannot change a believe you are stuck in your mind and highly manipulatable. That's the whole construct that is used within elitism within the world system where a few profit from the many as Jezus explained as he was not a religion! We believe he is and made him into one. This brought us evil because from that moment we where locked within the mind [as religion]. The only way to set yourself free is to do as Jezus did and become the living word instead of a follower of believes!
See for yourself where you place yourself within your own words as a believer that refuses to question his own believes. Do I teach that construct to my children than what will happen? What do you say to a child raised by the wolves? Is that child guilty or innocent? What does not speak your language do you separate that from who you think you are?

Only I am able within self honesty to see how I exist within my own words and deeds and constructed believes and lies. Within that I will never be able to see my own constructs if I am living as them. Remember we where born within a program without believes so where do believes come from? Who is it that accept and allows what we believe? These are real questions one needs to take responsibility for towards oneself before believing what so ever! Questions that trigger resistance are always fear and fear is the sole reason why people believe! Jezus showed us what happens if you brake that chain. None of us within whatever believe system is braking that chain hence the state of hope we are in. Hope lives in the mind!

[S]
There seems to be a self contradiction...there seems to a fear in a change of your situation...if you say fear is the sole reason to believe...I can truly conceive to perceive...because the fear of the lord is the beginning of wisdom...without his righteousness no one can see his kingdom...I think myself to be a child of God... chosen and adopted by his own accord...we have a hope of a life even after death...because Jesus is alive and living today we need to breathe in his breath...!!!

[me]
What is fear of the lord more than fear of some-thing you believe? As you believe you are a child of god and hope of a life after death because Jezus is alive. Let's stay with the facts here. Jezus is dead our believes of him are alive. Your believes keep you alive, are they life? To be a child of 'god' makes you a child of this world (OUR CREATION) A world of separation. Hoping the past will come in the future within the mind as hope is completely denying what is here as our reality which is separation through believes. What a-fortunate-lie, is reality.

I commit myself to breath here within reality to remain here in this moment and not lose myself within the mind where I become victim of my own projections that become accepted and allowed believes I will manifest as personality instead of living action.

[S]
I beg to differ here...my conceptions are very clear...If Jesus were dead as you want to say...life would be chaotic people running wild in their own wickedness falling astray...we have learned to trust and obey...Oh lord may thy will be done not mine as you have your way...!!!
Faith is important for man to be going...without faith and hope I find no reason to be living...!!!
I live my life by saying "it could have surely been worse"...and that rids me of every strand of curse...!!!

[Me] (at this point starting to feel reactions within myself as irritation)
You refuse to look at reality as it is [S]. We have learned to trust and obey all right. The question is what happened after that? Is creation what you describe it to be? Is life balanced and equal? Is creation an expression of enjoyment where all have equal means to express themselves without friction and conflict? To turn your words into a mirror. Life is chaotic, people are possessed and wickedness RULES the world as competition and within that we are all astray!

- [wasn't that what Jesus demonstrated so dramatically?] -

To believe you are an exception is an absolute elitist acceptance which makes sense because you have a solid and boxed believe which you place outside the realm of reality where only you as personality as perception exist. It's not complicated. Believe is not real. Reality is real. Or If reality is real our believes can not be. We tend to overcomplicate the obvious because we fear.

[S]
Even the Bible gives a true revelation...Satan is ruling the world who denies this conviction...he is crouching at the door ...with his craftiness for people to devour...if people were all made to be equal standing on the same footage...with similar faces of one heritage...wouldn't there be more of chaos and utter confusion...without any recognition or identification...I would dare to challenge for all look alike to make a striking position...jealousy will eat them like a vicious snake...then life can never have a replay neither a retake...!!!

[me]
Now read what you just wrote. Projecting statements from the past onto the future totally avoiding the present. More chaos less chaos. One Adam two Adams! Eve would have children! So according to you, suffering is acceptable because your believes make it quantifiable? I bit more for him and less for her because the bible tells you too. The all forgiven god seems to keep a shadow account. A newborn dying of aids can only be justified within cultist or brainwashed believes. Common sense would rule out any justification. In reality it make no sense. If an all forgiven god would exist this example proofs the god is not all forgiven and I'm brainwashed to the point I will abuse others in the name of faith. To know water is to know ice as god and satan are the two sides of a single believe. To accept one you have to accept the other for they would not exist within equality!

STOP

etc. etc. If I didn't stop myself here, this religious ping pong could last for years. So I'm going to look at my reactions and see where I reacted because reaction equals the things I fear myself. First of all there is the general irritation I feel because straight questions do not get straight answers. I know christians who dare to say "I don't know". Which is a brave statement coming from a any fundamentalist believer. So it irritates me when I ask a question and that question is totally ignored. In other words no joint effort is made to find reason within the claims that are made. It almost always ends with: Yes but I believe…. Those words kills all reason and stand for total denial of what is here they take only the one who speaks them into consideration confronting me with the total possession of that person within and as his religious believes.

I always assumed that religion was to search for god. To search for meaning. To have questions answered. Because that's what religions do. They answer questions. Specific questions. I used to respect men of faith and their so called dedication. Dedication to what? I completely overlooked the fact that all religions dedicate themselves to and within a confined space. They set points of value. Points of interest. All within a simple mathematical equation that if you have lots of assets you have greater chance of making profit. By now we all know why the top of a pyramid has only one stone and that stone is covered in gold with only the heavens above. The rest is of no importance! The more power you collect the more momentum you gain the more you collect. A snowball never rolls uphill.

We are part of and inside a religious community or value system or box or culture or cult. We all reach planes of religious boxes in our life. In those moments you have little options. Remember the first time you realized there would come a time you would be old and grey and sick and where going to die of old age looking like a raisin? Same point. Within a system one move from one conception to deception to another. As with all believe systems one either leave the box which will allow one to look at the box, or one stay in the box and one doesn't. It's up too our god given 'free will' to decide. How is that for 'free' and 'will'? Within the box it's warm and things are orderly. The box is comfortable and you don't feel hungry. What we don't seem to realize is that all believes are one big box. The torture never stops. We are boxed in and as we live our lives in this chicken run that suffers beyond imagination we slowly pick away at the other chicks watched by the farmer without questioning our believes in regards to this hand that seems to feed us. It's the boiling frog equation.

The beautiful lie always wins from the honest truth because we all want food, a chicken run and a quick painless death. Hopefully we will live happily ever after, joined by angels or 666 virgins or heaps of Ganja or whatever picture presentation reward is waiting for me in 'THE FUTURE'. I realized I have to be aware of anything or any one that makes a promise or proposition towards the future starting with my own mind. Where is my future without me?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in a 'better' future

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect a better future to god

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe god is responsible for my future

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that for me to have it better someone else will be worse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that god and satan can only exist because I accepted and allowed myself to believe in one of them creating the other in the process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create all kinds of projections regarding god and the heavens without ever realizing I was doing this all in my mind while earth was here to ground me all the time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my ideas and concepts of god on to other people even my child without realizing I never knew if anything I claimed had anything to do with reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am responsible for teaching my child there cannot be anything bigger than you if you cannot factually see it and experience it within this physical reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my hopes and prayers would be answered by some thing I never proved to be real for myself within common sense in this reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my parents for not teaching me about reality not realizing that they where brainwashed by their parents as we are all brainwashed by our parents

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that school thought me about reality while in fact they only showed me the way to behave within the system not revealing the true nature of who I am as humanity which is a manipulative self centered species that will lie and deceive to get what it want's no matter what

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to train myself in the art of manipulation becoming the epiphany of manipulation towards the world around me in order to get things my way not realizing I was becoming my own prisoner within my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value myself as and become the most important thing in this world making it almost impossible for myself to place myself one and equal with others no matter what they did or are doing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not test my believes trough physical action in reality in order to experience their validity and transform them into practical knowledge instead of believes