Little earthquakes

Focus on the primaries 
Last week my Aging Powerbook G4 finally said goodbye as I was watching a DVD with my daughter. No drama, it was like a short last breath and after 6 faithful years the little white light dimmed not to shine again. Rather good for a laptop I must say. This confronted me with a bit of a problem because I’m behind on my assignments, watching videos, reading blogs. I also got an invitation to join the PF which confronted me with the fact that I'm not as 'digital' as I thought I was. I get kind a lost in all the protocols and information. I'm managing much 'better' than before though and I think it has a lot to do with stopping weed completely.

The road ahead
Looking at the things I needed to do it kind of overwhelmed me. The cost-raise for the DIP coarse confronted me with some anxiety as well. This point pushes me to either get a ‘good’ steady job or sponsorship. After sleeping over this thing for about two nights I decided to get a new laptop. It wil shorten the time I have to get things done from 4 to 3 months and I need a laptop anyway. Regarding the Desteni material, it will allow me to watch and read a lot of stuff in bed so I don’t have to be on this chair the whole day (and sometimes night).

Practise, practise...
Time management is not second nature to me so in this point I’m now becoming aware that it’s not a question of speeding up and become scattered all over the place but to slow down, share myself and be here in every single breath. There is simply so much I can do. So for the moment The list is as follows:

- Getting my assignments in on time
- Getting steady and consistent with my daily writing
- Getting steady and consistent with blogging
- Getting steady and consistent with Self-forgiveness
- Getting familiar with vlogging
- Posting everything in the required places
- Getting familiar with the online spaces I have to be in
- Getting familiar with new software and a new way of working
- Identifying and Removing all the time-consuming ‘bullshit’ from daily live
- Catch up on the latest videos I missed from Bernard
- Do more blog readings
- Do the daily shit and get the fucking ‘moneypoint’ in place.

Substantial results come with substantial action
The Desteni train is moving and I am moving to, which is awesome. But one way ore another I have to slow down and be patient without falling of the train. Its called a process and as J said: “only the mind knows of quick fixes” and I will NOT allow this to fuck with me because in this reality to establish change will take TIME. So I’m getting organized, I will breath and I will walk until it stands.

Words, nothing but words...

keep it going no matter what.  
Breath in breath out... OK. I was of the grid for quite some time. Stared at this screen for a number of times with an empty page in front of me. Write, just write it down. How do you feel today? What’s happening? How is the process going? Just tell ‘m. Share yourself, it’s all you have to do... Nothing happened accept for this whispering voice in the back of my head that was so soft I totally overheard it. “If you are speechless than don’t speech... There is time, it’s not a bad thing to slow down. Give yourself a break” etc. Ladies and gentlemen welcome to my backchat. The art of screwing not only myself but everyone who’s behind a screen wrestling with the same shit as I am. It’s called resistance. I thought the mirror I was looking into revealed nothing. Well... I wasn’t looking at the total ‘picture’ so I missed a few key details.

I don't exist, I bring into existence

I knew this ‘thing’ was not going to be easy. I knew It would take commitment and I know myself well enough to state that what I have presented to the outside world up till now has in fact nothing to do with myself. It is ‘memory based’. My memory, not ‘me’. So what’s that to you? Yes you, there, reading this. You could be someone I know personally. Maybe you think you know me ‘personally’. Well... You don’t. And if you think you do ask yourself the following questions. What did you think of me before I started writing this blog and has that opinion changed? I’m writing and I’m looking at what I can remember as me. I’m looking from a new perspective. If yours is still the same we obviously have a different view don’t we. Let’s not make this to complicated and say “we both don’t know who I am”.


Where does 'all' begin?

Why in the name do I write about my fears, insecurities, emotions, feelings. Am I mad? Yes I am. For the first time in my life I’m mad enough to stop. I stopped and saw what the fuck I helped to create and it was ‘this world’. I participated in every nasty thought and deed that was out there. I condemned, judged got depressed and highly emotional. I talked, cracked my skull, got older and nothing changed it only got worse. The world got rich and the world got worse. Now what to do when you are 42 and you see that the whole fuckup is about the way money is controlled in this world. You talk to your friends about the fact that you are most disturbed by this insight and that you want to do something. What happens? Nothing happens because ‘we are the world’ (if you are over 35 you know the song). It’s all of us including me, that’s why it’s so hard to chew. So here I am again. Writing, voicing myself because it’s the only thing I can do. We are all in this so everything will remain as all - ‘all the same’ - That’s not change is it? I kind of see that even though I’m a full retard. Here I am voicing myself and starting to forgive myself for my part of ‘the deal’ because nobody can do it for me.

Thanks for reading and please join the discussion on equal money.

Stopped

Stop enough!
I decided to stop. Actually it wasn’t a decision I just couldn’t get myself through the resistance of daily writing and doing the introduction course. So much resistance. It came to a point where I felt drugged. I couldn’t think straight, lost for words. I got blurry, frustrated, angry. Why? Am I doubting myself in this process? Can I do it? Where am I going? Where am I in the first place? I’m in fear of not making it. It feels like information overload. Choices that seem simple become the tips of icebergs. I’m also starting to see myself and the fact that I’m speaking words but they make no sense. I decided to ban my computer, facebook, blogs, information and to get physical.

Moving the dirt
The ‘garden’ that hadn’t been touched for six years was removed. I moved more that 4 tons of dirt several times to get rid of the excess sand that was piled up. I did all this by hand. Got white sand and stones in and made a terrace. It took me nearly a week to get everything done and although my body was close to collapsing and the muscle pains where of the charts I felt really satisfied with the results. More important, I was not in my head so much. Move the sand, move the stones. Breath. Simple tasks, simple thoughts. It was quit a relieve to get out of my head. It felt somewhat like a holiday and after six years I finally got started with my garden. The progress is vissible. It can be touched. Maybe that's why I did it. Because I cannot say that about my other processes.

Looking into my empty head
I’m back here behind my computer because I made an agreement with myself to really pick up on my writing after the ‘work’ was done. So here I am. Still very much lost for words. It’s hard for me to describe my state and at the same time I know I have to voice myself. There is a lot of feedback coming to me from another person and most of the times I’m just lost for words. The mirror that is held in front of me reveals nothing to me and at the same time everything is moving. I cannot make sense of what is happening because It’s completely new to me. This whole experience of myself can only be described as loosing it. I’m loosing it. Self definitions go up in smoke everyday at the same time I experience a calmness I never had. It’s really strange and it’s really hard at times. As I’m writing this I’m really looking for words. There is so much to wright about... there is also a shitload of work to do. Painting, gardening, maintenance etc. To be honest... I would love to just keep going. because I'm probably afraid of my own head. But that would be escapism wouldn’t it. I have to share myself. Speak about my process that feels kind of stuck right now. Don’t know where I am, don’t know where to go and lost for words to describe the specifics.

I’m floating, I’m nowhere and I am here at the same time.

I'll speak again tomorrow