Focus on the primaries
Last week my Aging Powerbook G4 finally said goodbye as I was watching a DVD with my daughter. No drama, it was like a short last breath and after 6 faithful years the little white light dimmed not to shine again. Rather good for a laptop I must say. This confronted me with a bit of a problem because I’m behind on my assignments, watching videos, reading blogs. I also got an invitation to join the PF which confronted me with the fact that I'm not as 'digital' as I thought I was. I get kind a lost in all the protocols and information. I'm managing much 'better' than before though and I think it has a lot to do with stopping weed completely.
The road ahead
Looking at the things I needed to do it kind of overwhelmed me. The cost-raise for the DIP coarse confronted me with some anxiety as well. This point pushes me to either get a ‘good’ steady job or sponsorship. After sleeping over this thing for about two nights I decided to get a new laptop. It wil shorten the time I have to get things done from 4 to 3 months and I need a laptop anyway. Regarding the Desteni material, it will allow me to watch and read a lot of stuff in bed so I don’t have to be on this chair the whole day (and sometimes night).
Practise, practise...
Time management is not second nature to me so in this point I’m now becoming aware that it’s not a question of speeding up and become scattered all over the place but to slow down, share myself and be here in every single breath. There is simply so much I can do. So for the moment The list is as follows:
- Getting my assignments in on time
- Getting steady and consistent with my daily writing
- Getting steady and consistent with blogging
- Getting steady and consistent with Self-forgiveness
- Getting familiar with vlogging
- Posting everything in the required places
- Getting familiar with the online spaces I have to be in
- Getting familiar with new software and a new way of working
- Identifying and Removing all the time-consuming ‘bullshit’ from daily live
- Catch up on the latest videos I missed from Bernard
- Do more blog readings
- Do the daily shit and get the fucking ‘moneypoint’ in place.
Substantial results come with substantial action
The Desteni train is moving and I am moving to, which is awesome. But one way ore another I have to slow down and be patient without falling of the train. Its called a process and as J said: “only the mind knows of quick fixes” and I will NOT allow this to fuck with me because in this reality to establish change will take TIME. So I’m getting organized, I will breath and I will walk until it stands.
Showing posts with label insights. Show all posts
Showing posts with label insights. Show all posts
4/30/2011
3/10/2011
Naming my games
10 03 2011
Bodytalk
Today I had my second appointment with my Kinesiologist. The first time I was there, two specific points came trough. One was Earth the other was Water. They where both related to the elements/points of wood and fire. These two came trough as a ‘consequence’. Earth and water kind of in and as the polarity cancelling each other out. Leaving me stuck in the polarity middle or a loop sort of. Being stuck and unable to push/move. Fascinating stuff really.
So after this first consult I kind of stuck to a few simple goals for myself. I wanted to have a few simple routines that I could keep close to me daily and in every moment in an uncomplicated way. Just simple handy tools so I could be applying myself physically in every moment as much as possible. Mainly because I realize that I’m over complicating things most of the time. I had to be in the moment and breath as much as possible. Be in the moment and observe. Observing thoughts as they came up and don’t interact. Second point, keep moving in whatever I’m doing. Keep walking. Get it done, don’t hesitate. Take action again and again. And let go of what just happened as soon as possible.
So just by doing this I immediately got confronted with the waterfall of thoughts and the ridiculous little amount of time I spend in ‘the now’. It was a daily ‘mind-boggling’ experience watching these rivers of thoughts connect to feelings and emotions. So the next thing I tried to do was to apply self-forgiveness. This proved to be too much. This is where I kind of completely lost it.
Thoughts on the horizon
Now this I find very interesting. I noticed the following. Sometimes a thought came up but I wasn’t aware of the fact that I was actually just looking at it. No emotions, no feelings. I just watched them pas by like ships on the horizon. For example when driving my car I would see them as ‘things’ passing by. In the mean time I would breath and stay focussed on driving the car as me driving the car. Quite ‘ok’ actually. The strange thing being that I wasn’t aware of the fact that I was doing this. Then the next thing that would happen is my mind would kick in. “Shouldn’t you apply self forgiveness on that image that you just saw?”. “Come on you have to do this for yourself”. So I would go back to the image or thought, bring it back again and try to apply self forgiveness on it. I think what I should have done was adress 'the act' of me bringing these image or thoughts back. I 'saw' this as I was 'on the table' this afternoon.
Body support
I just didn’t see it staring me in the face. Got completely lost for words. And there it is. In the words. Naming the game. Keeping it simple. Not seeing the thing in front of me because I’m looking too far ahead. At the same time trying to apply self-forgiveness on the fact that I’m not able to see the real shit that’s right in front of me. What a mindfuck (LOL). This came to me as I was lying on the table talking to my Kinesiologist while she was working on me. It was really cool to have my own body giving me feedback like this. Thank you big time ‘buddy/body’.
Stop suppressing myself
When she asked me about specific points that I would like to address I brought this stuff up. I found it hard to be specific towards her because she speaks kind of a different language. The 'language' of Kinesiologists. I was able to communicate my point by explaining. That I had a ‘problem’ stopping my mind when thoughts and images would come. That I would judge myself when this happened and that these judgements would lead to suppression and ‘depression’. Causing friction thus energy and that this energy would manifest as the ‘hyper anxious me’. I told her I was kind of done with this ‘anxious me’. That this point needed 'change'. It has to be dissolved. I also explained the difficulties I experienced in voicing myself in and as simplicity. I experience my mind as this hysterical child that’s with me all day an it’s just tiring. Plain and specifically ‘simple’ voicing that’s what I would be able to do.
For example:
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about not realizing that I have to just go to the toilet when I feel the urge to pee because this is not a healthy habit.
Instead off:
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not go to the toilet when I feel the need to pee.
I’m over complicating things all the time and I realize that it’s a big part of the way I programmed myself over the years. Taking way to much variables into my daily equations and situations. It’s no surprise that people see me as ‘distracted’ because I am. I realize that I find it very hard to be specific and give straight answers to seemingly straight forward questions.
Getting to ‘thee-point’ of self-intimacy
So she stopped me in my words and said “got it”. We both laughed and we started testing. At one point she asked me to massage (she knows I can do this) a specific point on the left side of my pubic bone. The moment I did this I noticed how sensitive and painful this was compared to the right side. So I asked her about this point and where it stood for.
It was related to my liver. "Having something on your liver" is a common phrase used in holland. So What’s on my liver? Interesting point. I did the massage and in the mean time she treated my back in the liver area. It took like one minute. Pain was gone and the little headache I had disappeared as well. This is really cool stuff. It’s immediate! It’s my body. No lies and instant truth about what’s here to be addressed. It also brought up the point of ‘self-intimacy’ very clearly. What does that mean to me? Well the proof of the pudding was in the eating. That’s what it was right there. Touch! just start touching. Just fucking do it instead of noticing shit in the mind. It’s again too simple to be true. So the whole point of self-intimacy bursted open for me right there. Cool as hell again. My new definition of Sex isn’t actually new. It’s that. It’s touch and giving yourself ‘real’ and specific ‘physical attention’. Checking myself by the millimetre. Point for point and start fucking talking to my body. I live inn it!
I forgive msyelf that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not talk to my body
Willing and walking
So the next thing was the point of ‘willing myself’. This is related to points on the side of my hands under my pink (finger) “Learning from 'mis-takes' and ‘knowing’ what’s good for ‘one’-self”. These point are related to the small intestine. The part that takes care of getting the specific and necessary nutrients out of all the stuff we put in our body’s daily. Again, very cool because for me this is so clearly related to this point of ‘being specific’, in voicing myself. Getting the ‘specific information’ out. Exercising my ability as the small intestine to know what I’m looking for and get what I need to support myself. Not wasting time in the process. In relation to this point she suggested a ‘Kraneo’ head massage. So the next appointment is next Wednesday. Going to get my head examined finally.
Give yourself a present and visit a ‘good’ Kinesiologist. It’s cool beyond ‘words’.
Bodytalk
Today I had my second appointment with my Kinesiologist. The first time I was there, two specific points came trough. One was Earth the other was Water. They where both related to the elements/points of wood and fire. These two came trough as a ‘consequence’. Earth and water kind of in and as the polarity cancelling each other out. Leaving me stuck in the polarity middle or a loop sort of. Being stuck and unable to push/move. Fascinating stuff really.
So after this first consult I kind of stuck to a few simple goals for myself. I wanted to have a few simple routines that I could keep close to me daily and in every moment in an uncomplicated way. Just simple handy tools so I could be applying myself physically in every moment as much as possible. Mainly because I realize that I’m over complicating things most of the time. I had to be in the moment and breath as much as possible. Be in the moment and observe. Observing thoughts as they came up and don’t interact. Second point, keep moving in whatever I’m doing. Keep walking. Get it done, don’t hesitate. Take action again and again. And let go of what just happened as soon as possible.
So just by doing this I immediately got confronted with the waterfall of thoughts and the ridiculous little amount of time I spend in ‘the now’. It was a daily ‘mind-boggling’ experience watching these rivers of thoughts connect to feelings and emotions. So the next thing I tried to do was to apply self-forgiveness. This proved to be too much. This is where I kind of completely lost it.
Thoughts on the horizon
Now this I find very interesting. I noticed the following. Sometimes a thought came up but I wasn’t aware of the fact that I was actually just looking at it. No emotions, no feelings. I just watched them pas by like ships on the horizon. For example when driving my car I would see them as ‘things’ passing by. In the mean time I would breath and stay focussed on driving the car as me driving the car. Quite ‘ok’ actually. The strange thing being that I wasn’t aware of the fact that I was doing this. Then the next thing that would happen is my mind would kick in. “Shouldn’t you apply self forgiveness on that image that you just saw?”. “Come on you have to do this for yourself”. So I would go back to the image or thought, bring it back again and try to apply self forgiveness on it. I think what I should have done was adress 'the act' of me bringing these image or thoughts back. I 'saw' this as I was 'on the table' this afternoon.
Body support
I just didn’t see it staring me in the face. Got completely lost for words. And there it is. In the words. Naming the game. Keeping it simple. Not seeing the thing in front of me because I’m looking too far ahead. At the same time trying to apply self-forgiveness on the fact that I’m not able to see the real shit that’s right in front of me. What a mindfuck (LOL). This came to me as I was lying on the table talking to my Kinesiologist while she was working on me. It was really cool to have my own body giving me feedback like this. Thank you big time ‘buddy/body’.
Stop suppressing myself
When she asked me about specific points that I would like to address I brought this stuff up. I found it hard to be specific towards her because she speaks kind of a different language. The 'language' of Kinesiologists. I was able to communicate my point by explaining. That I had a ‘problem’ stopping my mind when thoughts and images would come. That I would judge myself when this happened and that these judgements would lead to suppression and ‘depression’. Causing friction thus energy and that this energy would manifest as the ‘hyper anxious me’. I told her I was kind of done with this ‘anxious me’. That this point needed 'change'. It has to be dissolved. I also explained the difficulties I experienced in voicing myself in and as simplicity. I experience my mind as this hysterical child that’s with me all day an it’s just tiring. Plain and specifically ‘simple’ voicing that’s what I would be able to do.
For example:
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about not realizing that I have to just go to the toilet when I feel the urge to pee because this is not a healthy habit.
Instead off:
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not go to the toilet when I feel the need to pee.
I’m over complicating things all the time and I realize that it’s a big part of the way I programmed myself over the years. Taking way to much variables into my daily equations and situations. It’s no surprise that people see me as ‘distracted’ because I am. I realize that I find it very hard to be specific and give straight answers to seemingly straight forward questions.
Getting to ‘thee-point’ of self-intimacy
So she stopped me in my words and said “got it”. We both laughed and we started testing. At one point she asked me to massage (she knows I can do this) a specific point on the left side of my pubic bone. The moment I did this I noticed how sensitive and painful this was compared to the right side. So I asked her about this point and where it stood for.
It was related to my liver. "Having something on your liver" is a common phrase used in holland. So What’s on my liver? Interesting point. I did the massage and in the mean time she treated my back in the liver area. It took like one minute. Pain was gone and the little headache I had disappeared as well. This is really cool stuff. It’s immediate! It’s my body. No lies and instant truth about what’s here to be addressed. It also brought up the point of ‘self-intimacy’ very clearly. What does that mean to me? Well the proof of the pudding was in the eating. That’s what it was right there. Touch! just start touching. Just fucking do it instead of noticing shit in the mind. It’s again too simple to be true. So the whole point of self-intimacy bursted open for me right there. Cool as hell again. My new definition of Sex isn’t actually new. It’s that. It’s touch and giving yourself ‘real’ and specific ‘physical attention’. Checking myself by the millimetre. Point for point and start fucking talking to my body. I live inn it!
I forgive msyelf that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not talk to my body
Willing and walking
So the next thing was the point of ‘willing myself’. This is related to points on the side of my hands under my pink (finger) “Learning from 'mis-takes' and ‘knowing’ what’s good for ‘one’-self”. These point are related to the small intestine. The part that takes care of getting the specific and necessary nutrients out of all the stuff we put in our body’s daily. Again, very cool because for me this is so clearly related to this point of ‘being specific’, in voicing myself. Getting the ‘specific information’ out. Exercising my ability as the small intestine to know what I’m looking for and get what I need to support myself. Not wasting time in the process. In relation to this point she suggested a ‘Kraneo’ head massage. So the next appointment is next Wednesday. Going to get my head examined finally.
Give yourself a present and visit a ‘good’ Kinesiologist. It’s cool beyond ‘words’.
1/25/2011
It's in my DNA
25 02 2011
New client evokes 'energy'
So, let’s do this. Ok. Had a productive and enjoyable day (business wise). Which brings me to my daily words-thoughts and feelings. This morning I was invited to a strategic brainstorm regarding the biggest city in the east of holland called Enschede. Every big city makes claims and we had to come up with one for Enschede. For example Vegas used to claim “what happens in Vegas stays in vegas”. Easy to remember with a drip of humor so it sticks in ones mind. In advertising this trick is called “brain positioning” and there are a lot of strategies/ways to do this (great job in psychological warfare I have). But I have a few principles otherwise the schizophrenia in relation to my process would be unbearable. In this particular case it was rather fun and enjoyable.
Where I come from
In the early 20th century Enschede belonged to the biggest textile producing city’s in the world. And strange as it may sound it was also the biggest advertising capital in holland sharing this position wit Amsterdam. Amsterdam was about money and goods, Enschede was about Textile. It’s still called Textown by a lot of people. The whole region where I live was dependant on textile. Whole villages lived from the local textile factory that was present. In the village where I live (haaksbergen) you can still see this. The big houses that belonged to the daily factory management where closest to where the factory would be. The further from the factory, the smaller the houses. These houses are still called ‘labour houses’. They where build by the textile baron (dictator) same as the theater, the museum, the park. All textile money. Then you had the have not’s who didn’t belong to this structure. They where on there own and left to there own devices. Very poor mostly living of the land in huts you can hardly call homes. I talked to my grandmother about this wen she was still alive so it’s close to me. It’s really the world reduced to a village and a textile factory. Sounds familiar? America was build on exactly the same principle with railways connecting the city’s together. A bit like what the internet is doing right now. America is a European concept imported with the Europeans as was Apartheid in South Africa.
My birthplace and herritage
Everybody knew everybody in town so there was ‘social control’ as well. There would always be ears and eyes. George Orwell stuff really. So my father, just like his father was preprogrammed to end up behind a machine in a textile factory. Which off coarse happened. He was 14 years old wen he started working in a noisy, dusty plant. There where simply no other options. This is where the Desteni material comes inn. If you where born into a ‘management’ family you would live out your life according to the boundaries set for that group. If you where born in a ‘workers’ family etc. Now here is the strange thing. My grandfather was born as a ‘Lammers’ but the family couldn’t find any traces that went further back than that? That’s at least strange in a village where everybody knows everybody. I mean if you would fart in church your name would be known, halleluja.
The privilige of guild
A few years back wen my grandmother died we discovered that my great grandfather was a 'Jordaan' and not a 'Lammers'. He was a member of the big textile family that ruled over the little village. This man had a very illusive reputation and a female housekeeper that got pregnant. She was forced to marry a factory worker also called Derk (Lammers). This 'created' family got their own little door in the wall surrounding the factory. Completely bizarre. No other factory worker ever was given this privilege I mean this is really creepy. My father was never told by his own parents. They had to die first before the secret came out. The moment I got this news I wondered what this meant in relation to my family tree and DNA. I mean, how big can the contrast be. My bloodline runs back into two completely different families. One of them being the bourgeois the other poor factory workers. I also wonder if the above has anything to do with my father being able to eventually work his way up to become a print designer for The Jorzelino brand. This normally would have been impossible for the 'normal' folk.
Inventing Enschede
Eventually in the 60s asia became the centre for textile production in the world and the whole region where we lived went into a deep recession. Imagine how this must have been. The hole structure was build on textile and it collapsed completely. So it took everything and everybody with it. The whole region was forced to reinvent its self. So wen the session kicked of this morning, it was said that Enschede really needed transformation. This was worked into one of the first remarks I gave during this brainstorm. I said that this was a process that all ready started back in the sixties nothing shocking. So if there was one starting point for positioning this town it would be ‘Transformation’.
Information inside my body
All this family stuff was with me as we started to brainstorm at the communication agency this morning. I noticed that I was one of the few people that really new the region and it’s particulars. Most people present where not as well informed as I was on this subject so I was able to put a lot into the group and we really kicked ass this morning. I felt at ease with myself also because I limited my sleeping hours this week to a minimum. I stopped weed last week and having little sleep helps me to stay more or less relaxed during the day. I don’t get hyped up so much because I’m simply to tired. I was more focussed than I normally am. I was also more able to listen what was coming over the table from the other participants. It felt rather good and I was really trying hard to be professional and not let my ego or pride fuck things up. I loose my self very easily wen I get enthusiastic. Which is an emotion anyway thus not real. Anyway I made some very good contacts and made my money in the process. I did OK today and I was professional and productive which feels refreshingly good (which is an emotion thus not real). It was quite cool to be able to observe myself and at the same time be really productive and part of a group making money at the same time. I couldn’t help thinking about this strange outflow regarding my family though. I felt authority on the subject running trough my vanes (which is ego thus not real). But it helped me to stand in the matrix equal to the money I want as the Professional they hired to do a job.
A bit intimidated
There where a few moments I got carried away because of the dynamics of the group. I mean MT was there who is kind of the godfather of advertising in the east of holland and founder of the famous M agency. He and I had a very nice creative vibe going. It was the first cool professional day I had in years. But I was very aware of my emotions as I drove back home. Kept breathing and kept myself stable and calm reasonably well. I heart J’s voice next to my on a couple of occasions. Reminding me to shut up and listen unconditionally. Today was a learning experience in the physical and it was cool. Another point that keeps coming up is my yearning for a dog. I always had dogs and I wonder if it would be good for me to go find a pup. This house has only me in it. I think it needs more life. I really do.
New client evokes 'energy'
So, let’s do this. Ok. Had a productive and enjoyable day (business wise). Which brings me to my daily words-thoughts and feelings. This morning I was invited to a strategic brainstorm regarding the biggest city in the east of holland called Enschede. Every big city makes claims and we had to come up with one for Enschede. For example Vegas used to claim “what happens in Vegas stays in vegas”. Easy to remember with a drip of humor so it sticks in ones mind. In advertising this trick is called “brain positioning” and there are a lot of strategies/ways to do this (great job in psychological warfare I have). But I have a few principles otherwise the schizophrenia in relation to my process would be unbearable. In this particular case it was rather fun and enjoyable.
Where I come from
In the early 20th century Enschede belonged to the biggest textile producing city’s in the world. And strange as it may sound it was also the biggest advertising capital in holland sharing this position wit Amsterdam. Amsterdam was about money and goods, Enschede was about Textile. It’s still called Textown by a lot of people. The whole region where I live was dependant on textile. Whole villages lived from the local textile factory that was present. In the village where I live (haaksbergen) you can still see this. The big houses that belonged to the daily factory management where closest to where the factory would be. The further from the factory, the smaller the houses. These houses are still called ‘labour houses’. They where build by the textile baron (dictator) same as the theater, the museum, the park. All textile money. Then you had the have not’s who didn’t belong to this structure. They where on there own and left to there own devices. Very poor mostly living of the land in huts you can hardly call homes. I talked to my grandmother about this wen she was still alive so it’s close to me. It’s really the world reduced to a village and a textile factory. Sounds familiar? America was build on exactly the same principle with railways connecting the city’s together. A bit like what the internet is doing right now. America is a European concept imported with the Europeans as was Apartheid in South Africa.
My birthplace and herritage
Everybody knew everybody in town so there was ‘social control’ as well. There would always be ears and eyes. George Orwell stuff really. So my father, just like his father was preprogrammed to end up behind a machine in a textile factory. Which off coarse happened. He was 14 years old wen he started working in a noisy, dusty plant. There where simply no other options. This is where the Desteni material comes inn. If you where born into a ‘management’ family you would live out your life according to the boundaries set for that group. If you where born in a ‘workers’ family etc. Now here is the strange thing. My grandfather was born as a ‘Lammers’ but the family couldn’t find any traces that went further back than that? That’s at least strange in a village where everybody knows everybody. I mean if you would fart in church your name would be known, halleluja.
The privilige of guild
A few years back wen my grandmother died we discovered that my great grandfather was a 'Jordaan' and not a 'Lammers'. He was a member of the big textile family that ruled over the little village. This man had a very illusive reputation and a female housekeeper that got pregnant. She was forced to marry a factory worker also called Derk (Lammers). This 'created' family got their own little door in the wall surrounding the factory. Completely bizarre. No other factory worker ever was given this privilege I mean this is really creepy. My father was never told by his own parents. They had to die first before the secret came out. The moment I got this news I wondered what this meant in relation to my family tree and DNA. I mean, how big can the contrast be. My bloodline runs back into two completely different families. One of them being the bourgeois the other poor factory workers. I also wonder if the above has anything to do with my father being able to eventually work his way up to become a print designer for The Jorzelino brand. This normally would have been impossible for the 'normal' folk.
Inventing Enschede
Eventually in the 60s asia became the centre for textile production in the world and the whole region where we lived went into a deep recession. Imagine how this must have been. The hole structure was build on textile and it collapsed completely. So it took everything and everybody with it. The whole region was forced to reinvent its self. So wen the session kicked of this morning, it was said that Enschede really needed transformation. This was worked into one of the first remarks I gave during this brainstorm. I said that this was a process that all ready started back in the sixties nothing shocking. So if there was one starting point for positioning this town it would be ‘Transformation’.
Information inside my body
All this family stuff was with me as we started to brainstorm at the communication agency this morning. I noticed that I was one of the few people that really new the region and it’s particulars. Most people present where not as well informed as I was on this subject so I was able to put a lot into the group and we really kicked ass this morning. I felt at ease with myself also because I limited my sleeping hours this week to a minimum. I stopped weed last week and having little sleep helps me to stay more or less relaxed during the day. I don’t get hyped up so much because I’m simply to tired. I was more focussed than I normally am. I was also more able to listen what was coming over the table from the other participants. It felt rather good and I was really trying hard to be professional and not let my ego or pride fuck things up. I loose my self very easily wen I get enthusiastic. Which is an emotion anyway thus not real. Anyway I made some very good contacts and made my money in the process. I did OK today and I was professional and productive which feels refreshingly good (which is an emotion thus not real). It was quite cool to be able to observe myself and at the same time be really productive and part of a group making money at the same time. I couldn’t help thinking about this strange outflow regarding my family though. I felt authority on the subject running trough my vanes (which is ego thus not real). But it helped me to stand in the matrix equal to the money I want as the Professional they hired to do a job.
A bit intimidated
There where a few moments I got carried away because of the dynamics of the group. I mean MT was there who is kind of the godfather of advertising in the east of holland and founder of the famous M agency. He and I had a very nice creative vibe going. It was the first cool professional day I had in years. But I was very aware of my emotions as I drove back home. Kept breathing and kept myself stable and calm reasonably well. I heart J’s voice next to my on a couple of occasions. Reminding me to shut up and listen unconditionally. Today was a learning experience in the physical and it was cool. Another point that keeps coming up is my yearning for a dog. I always had dogs and I wonder if it would be good for me to go find a pup. This house has only me in it. I think it needs more life. I really do.
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