17 03 2011
What is happening...
What a week it has been so far, and am I judging this week as different than last week? As in more impressive or having more in store than usual? Yes I do. Let me say this. The weekend was physical and confronting. This has to do with sharing me with another person. That makes a difference. The most important realisation I’m having at the moment is the one of ‘physicality’. It’s somewhat difficult for me to express or explain exactly what I mean. I’m starting to rediscover my physical body again. But it’s not in the way I used to explore or be aware of it.
Observing my daughter in the water
The weekend started physical because I go and swim with my daughter whenever we get the change. Last week she took her toy diving goggle and a snorkel with her for the first time. In the water I took the time teaching her how she had to breath, keep the class from fogging up, her posture in the water etc. I noticed a very interesting thing. Her whole physical expression as a body submerged in water changed the moment she stuck her head in the water and started looking around through her goggle. Normally her expression while swimming is rather hectic. It’s the point I remark on the most when she swims. Slow down, relax, you don’t need all that movement to keep floating. Now when she looked down through those goggles and into the swimming pool, her body completely gave itself over to the water. The two kind of merged and she was floating comfortably on the surface looking into the swimming pool while breathing through her snorkel. She got it within the minute. I was a bit amazed.
The conversation of water with water
So I decided there and then I would buy her a decent Diving goggle and snorkel. So this week we where in the water again and she was hooked from the first minute. We where in the water for nearly two hours straight. My daughter is six years old and I’m 42. I’m always amazed of her physical stamina. I mean I’m probably still thinking that my physical condition is OK but it’s really not to be honest. I would probably kill myself if I tried to keep up with my six year old daughter on a physical level (lol). Anyway the element of water is kind of a rediscovery because the swimming agreement with my daughter forces me to swim on a regular base. I often noticed that I would be totally tired after being in the pool with her. A real physical tiredness. Every muscle in my body would feel drained of it’s power. In the ‘back of my head’ I know it’s not just the physical strain. My body releases stress when I’m in the water and It’s moving muscle groups that are parked in neutral during the rest of the week. Tension that is locked up inside those muscles releases and the body has to disperse the ‘acid-toxins’ that go with that. This is actually hard work so you get tired. Common sense I suppose.
It’s a physical thing
Walking back to the car after being in the pool for two hours immediately confronted me with this fact and it brings the point of ‘self-intimacy’ back. My daughter still has a strong connection with her physical body. And she is dispersing all these things naturally. If I don’t give these points attention my body will start to manifest problems. It is doing that all ready lol. So was I tired? Yes I was. But I’m always ‘that tired’, I’m just not aware of it. It gets stored inside my muscle tissue like carbage inside a landfill an there it rots away until the whole landfill get’s ‘moved’. That’s when ‘the gas’ is released and you smell ‘the smell’. Fascinating.
Stop and look
The rest of the weekend was physical and fascinating too because I had a buddy visiting me. This meant little sleep, lot’s of talking and again physical work-out because I give her massages. Monday was fascinating because I was completely done. I was really and I mean really tired. No emotions just tired. I went with it. Slowed myself down and slept it out for two days. Luckily appointments got ‘magically’ cancelled and I was able to just be there in this rather strange state of mind. I felt like being in more than one place at the same time. No focus, no drive. Was it laziness? Stop judging Mike.
'My' body the one and only
I’m fucking freaking tired and my body is telling me what happened over the last 10 years. It’s shocking what I have accepted and allowed to be stored inside my body. It’s a huge point and it makes all the difference in the world. Do I address or do I ignore? Ignoring the fact that all the shit get’s stored means destroying the only thing that is real in my reality. It’s my body and I’m not even aware of it. How fucked up is that.
‘Being’ inside my body
Yesterday I had my 3rd appointment with my Kinesiologist. I got my ‘Kraneo’ head massage. I could wright a book just about that hour being massaged and ‘touched’. I want to keep it short though so I’ll stick to the points. I’m becoming aware of the fact that I’m floating on an ocean of pain. Every cell in my body is screaming but my ears are stuffed. I relax and I relax even more. The more I relax the more I’m aware of this overwhelming presence of ‘pain’ that is stored in my body. I could rant about systems and shit but I’m no authority so in my own words. It’s pain. Painful, personal. Information stored in every cell as me as what I have defined myself of over the coarse of my life. And it is huge!
A universe of pain
During the massage I really went into it and the horror cannot be described. It’s so vast I can’t bring it into words. But I was ‘OK’. Observing the whole thing and letting my body do the ‘talking’. The massage was aimed at equalizing the right and left hemispheres of the brain. I noticed myself inside and as the absolute outline of my physical body (being a balloon). Inside was nothing and outside was nothing. It was just me. Everything else was pain! The balloon was kept in place by pain it was defined by pain. I was watching one of the most exiting movies ever and it was al me...
The ghost image
L left me on the table wen she was finished. I waited till my eyes opened up and got up and off the table. L looked me in the eyes and was apparently satisfied with the results. “I don’t want to see you again, call whenever you think it’s necessary”. Laughter and that was it. I was very thank full for this experience. Getting support like this cannot be described in words. It has to be experienced. Is it fun? No. Is it cool? Yes. Getting to know the horror that is stored inside my body... Well it’s something else. Walking back to the car I wasn’t even completely in my body. It was like being in a time-lapse behind it. Like a silk scarf in the wind that follows the movement of that what pulls it.
Off the brakes
I haven’t really got anything done this week (matrix wise) and it’s Thursday as we speak. There is so much going on inside me but I can’t pinpoint what it is or what 'they' are. To be honest, I don’t want to. I’m here. I’m breathing. I’m slowing down. I’m slowing down for real. Not because my mind or the 'to-do' list tells me too but because It’s how it is. It's me slowing down and I'm freaking thankfull for that. This process is actually pain-full (full of pain, intresting). And I have an overwhelming urge to stop everything I’m doing. Just to stop myself completely. At least I allowed myself to take it easy and sleep it off. Did a lot of sleeping. It’s fascinating and it’s me that's doing it.
One breath at the time.
Showing posts with label Kinesiology. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Kinesiology. Show all posts
3/17/2011
3/10/2011
Naming my games
10 03 2011
Bodytalk
Today I had my second appointment with my Kinesiologist. The first time I was there, two specific points came trough. One was Earth the other was Water. They where both related to the elements/points of wood and fire. These two came trough as a ‘consequence’. Earth and water kind of in and as the polarity cancelling each other out. Leaving me stuck in the polarity middle or a loop sort of. Being stuck and unable to push/move. Fascinating stuff really.
So after this first consult I kind of stuck to a few simple goals for myself. I wanted to have a few simple routines that I could keep close to me daily and in every moment in an uncomplicated way. Just simple handy tools so I could be applying myself physically in every moment as much as possible. Mainly because I realize that I’m over complicating things most of the time. I had to be in the moment and breath as much as possible. Be in the moment and observe. Observing thoughts as they came up and don’t interact. Second point, keep moving in whatever I’m doing. Keep walking. Get it done, don’t hesitate. Take action again and again. And let go of what just happened as soon as possible.
So just by doing this I immediately got confronted with the waterfall of thoughts and the ridiculous little amount of time I spend in ‘the now’. It was a daily ‘mind-boggling’ experience watching these rivers of thoughts connect to feelings and emotions. So the next thing I tried to do was to apply self-forgiveness. This proved to be too much. This is where I kind of completely lost it.
Thoughts on the horizon
Now this I find very interesting. I noticed the following. Sometimes a thought came up but I wasn’t aware of the fact that I was actually just looking at it. No emotions, no feelings. I just watched them pas by like ships on the horizon. For example when driving my car I would see them as ‘things’ passing by. In the mean time I would breath and stay focussed on driving the car as me driving the car. Quite ‘ok’ actually. The strange thing being that I wasn’t aware of the fact that I was doing this. Then the next thing that would happen is my mind would kick in. “Shouldn’t you apply self forgiveness on that image that you just saw?”. “Come on you have to do this for yourself”. So I would go back to the image or thought, bring it back again and try to apply self forgiveness on it. I think what I should have done was adress 'the act' of me bringing these image or thoughts back. I 'saw' this as I was 'on the table' this afternoon.
Body support
I just didn’t see it staring me in the face. Got completely lost for words. And there it is. In the words. Naming the game. Keeping it simple. Not seeing the thing in front of me because I’m looking too far ahead. At the same time trying to apply self-forgiveness on the fact that I’m not able to see the real shit that’s right in front of me. What a mindfuck (LOL). This came to me as I was lying on the table talking to my Kinesiologist while she was working on me. It was really cool to have my own body giving me feedback like this. Thank you big time ‘buddy/body’.
Stop suppressing myself
When she asked me about specific points that I would like to address I brought this stuff up. I found it hard to be specific towards her because she speaks kind of a different language. The 'language' of Kinesiologists. I was able to communicate my point by explaining. That I had a ‘problem’ stopping my mind when thoughts and images would come. That I would judge myself when this happened and that these judgements would lead to suppression and ‘depression’. Causing friction thus energy and that this energy would manifest as the ‘hyper anxious me’. I told her I was kind of done with this ‘anxious me’. That this point needed 'change'. It has to be dissolved. I also explained the difficulties I experienced in voicing myself in and as simplicity. I experience my mind as this hysterical child that’s with me all day an it’s just tiring. Plain and specifically ‘simple’ voicing that’s what I would be able to do.
For example:
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about not realizing that I have to just go to the toilet when I feel the urge to pee because this is not a healthy habit.
Instead off:
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not go to the toilet when I feel the need to pee.
I’m over complicating things all the time and I realize that it’s a big part of the way I programmed myself over the years. Taking way to much variables into my daily equations and situations. It’s no surprise that people see me as ‘distracted’ because I am. I realize that I find it very hard to be specific and give straight answers to seemingly straight forward questions.
Getting to ‘thee-point’ of self-intimacy
So she stopped me in my words and said “got it”. We both laughed and we started testing. At one point she asked me to massage (she knows I can do this) a specific point on the left side of my pubic bone. The moment I did this I noticed how sensitive and painful this was compared to the right side. So I asked her about this point and where it stood for.
It was related to my liver. "Having something on your liver" is a common phrase used in holland. So What’s on my liver? Interesting point. I did the massage and in the mean time she treated my back in the liver area. It took like one minute. Pain was gone and the little headache I had disappeared as well. This is really cool stuff. It’s immediate! It’s my body. No lies and instant truth about what’s here to be addressed. It also brought up the point of ‘self-intimacy’ very clearly. What does that mean to me? Well the proof of the pudding was in the eating. That’s what it was right there. Touch! just start touching. Just fucking do it instead of noticing shit in the mind. It’s again too simple to be true. So the whole point of self-intimacy bursted open for me right there. Cool as hell again. My new definition of Sex isn’t actually new. It’s that. It’s touch and giving yourself ‘real’ and specific ‘physical attention’. Checking myself by the millimetre. Point for point and start fucking talking to my body. I live inn it!
I forgive msyelf that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not talk to my body
Willing and walking
So the next thing was the point of ‘willing myself’. This is related to points on the side of my hands under my pink (finger) “Learning from 'mis-takes' and ‘knowing’ what’s good for ‘one’-self”. These point are related to the small intestine. The part that takes care of getting the specific and necessary nutrients out of all the stuff we put in our body’s daily. Again, very cool because for me this is so clearly related to this point of ‘being specific’, in voicing myself. Getting the ‘specific information’ out. Exercising my ability as the small intestine to know what I’m looking for and get what I need to support myself. Not wasting time in the process. In relation to this point she suggested a ‘Kraneo’ head massage. So the next appointment is next Wednesday. Going to get my head examined finally.
Give yourself a present and visit a ‘good’ Kinesiologist. It’s cool beyond ‘words’.
Bodytalk
Today I had my second appointment with my Kinesiologist. The first time I was there, two specific points came trough. One was Earth the other was Water. They where both related to the elements/points of wood and fire. These two came trough as a ‘consequence’. Earth and water kind of in and as the polarity cancelling each other out. Leaving me stuck in the polarity middle or a loop sort of. Being stuck and unable to push/move. Fascinating stuff really.
So after this first consult I kind of stuck to a few simple goals for myself. I wanted to have a few simple routines that I could keep close to me daily and in every moment in an uncomplicated way. Just simple handy tools so I could be applying myself physically in every moment as much as possible. Mainly because I realize that I’m over complicating things most of the time. I had to be in the moment and breath as much as possible. Be in the moment and observe. Observing thoughts as they came up and don’t interact. Second point, keep moving in whatever I’m doing. Keep walking. Get it done, don’t hesitate. Take action again and again. And let go of what just happened as soon as possible.
So just by doing this I immediately got confronted with the waterfall of thoughts and the ridiculous little amount of time I spend in ‘the now’. It was a daily ‘mind-boggling’ experience watching these rivers of thoughts connect to feelings and emotions. So the next thing I tried to do was to apply self-forgiveness. This proved to be too much. This is where I kind of completely lost it.
Thoughts on the horizon
Now this I find very interesting. I noticed the following. Sometimes a thought came up but I wasn’t aware of the fact that I was actually just looking at it. No emotions, no feelings. I just watched them pas by like ships on the horizon. For example when driving my car I would see them as ‘things’ passing by. In the mean time I would breath and stay focussed on driving the car as me driving the car. Quite ‘ok’ actually. The strange thing being that I wasn’t aware of the fact that I was doing this. Then the next thing that would happen is my mind would kick in. “Shouldn’t you apply self forgiveness on that image that you just saw?”. “Come on you have to do this for yourself”. So I would go back to the image or thought, bring it back again and try to apply self forgiveness on it. I think what I should have done was adress 'the act' of me bringing these image or thoughts back. I 'saw' this as I was 'on the table' this afternoon.
Body support
I just didn’t see it staring me in the face. Got completely lost for words. And there it is. In the words. Naming the game. Keeping it simple. Not seeing the thing in front of me because I’m looking too far ahead. At the same time trying to apply self-forgiveness on the fact that I’m not able to see the real shit that’s right in front of me. What a mindfuck (LOL). This came to me as I was lying on the table talking to my Kinesiologist while she was working on me. It was really cool to have my own body giving me feedback like this. Thank you big time ‘buddy/body’.
Stop suppressing myself
When she asked me about specific points that I would like to address I brought this stuff up. I found it hard to be specific towards her because she speaks kind of a different language. The 'language' of Kinesiologists. I was able to communicate my point by explaining. That I had a ‘problem’ stopping my mind when thoughts and images would come. That I would judge myself when this happened and that these judgements would lead to suppression and ‘depression’. Causing friction thus energy and that this energy would manifest as the ‘hyper anxious me’. I told her I was kind of done with this ‘anxious me’. That this point needed 'change'. It has to be dissolved. I also explained the difficulties I experienced in voicing myself in and as simplicity. I experience my mind as this hysterical child that’s with me all day an it’s just tiring. Plain and specifically ‘simple’ voicing that’s what I would be able to do.
For example:
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about not realizing that I have to just go to the toilet when I feel the urge to pee because this is not a healthy habit.
Instead off:
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not go to the toilet when I feel the need to pee.
I’m over complicating things all the time and I realize that it’s a big part of the way I programmed myself over the years. Taking way to much variables into my daily equations and situations. It’s no surprise that people see me as ‘distracted’ because I am. I realize that I find it very hard to be specific and give straight answers to seemingly straight forward questions.
Getting to ‘thee-point’ of self-intimacy
So she stopped me in my words and said “got it”. We both laughed and we started testing. At one point she asked me to massage (she knows I can do this) a specific point on the left side of my pubic bone. The moment I did this I noticed how sensitive and painful this was compared to the right side. So I asked her about this point and where it stood for.
It was related to my liver. "Having something on your liver" is a common phrase used in holland. So What’s on my liver? Interesting point. I did the massage and in the mean time she treated my back in the liver area. It took like one minute. Pain was gone and the little headache I had disappeared as well. This is really cool stuff. It’s immediate! It’s my body. No lies and instant truth about what’s here to be addressed. It also brought up the point of ‘self-intimacy’ very clearly. What does that mean to me? Well the proof of the pudding was in the eating. That’s what it was right there. Touch! just start touching. Just fucking do it instead of noticing shit in the mind. It’s again too simple to be true. So the whole point of self-intimacy bursted open for me right there. Cool as hell again. My new definition of Sex isn’t actually new. It’s that. It’s touch and giving yourself ‘real’ and specific ‘physical attention’. Checking myself by the millimetre. Point for point and start fucking talking to my body. I live inn it!
I forgive msyelf that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not talk to my body
Willing and walking
So the next thing was the point of ‘willing myself’. This is related to points on the side of my hands under my pink (finger) “Learning from 'mis-takes' and ‘knowing’ what’s good for ‘one’-self”. These point are related to the small intestine. The part that takes care of getting the specific and necessary nutrients out of all the stuff we put in our body’s daily. Again, very cool because for me this is so clearly related to this point of ‘being specific’, in voicing myself. Getting the ‘specific information’ out. Exercising my ability as the small intestine to know what I’m looking for and get what I need to support myself. Not wasting time in the process. In relation to this point she suggested a ‘Kraneo’ head massage. So the next appointment is next Wednesday. Going to get my head examined finally.
Give yourself a present and visit a ‘good’ Kinesiologist. It’s cool beyond ‘words’.
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