Day-030-"Cheer the fuck up"

Within doing the DIP Lite I was looking at how I have lived the word 'cheerful' and what I observed was amongst others a close relationship between the word 'cheerful' and the word 'holiday'. As long as I can remember the biggest resistance in my life growing up was going to school. The thing I loved to do most was not going to school. Live without that 'responsibility'.

So from my perspective 'cheerfulness' seems to be related to getting something, to be rewarded with something. Like a release, a burden lifted from my shoulders. I got the job. I did well on my exam. I can finally walk. It's not as bad as I thought it would be. I won the lottery. To me it's a release of positivity. As a kid nothing would make me more cheerful than the summer holidays. That moment when I walked out of the schoolyard on a hot summers day knowing that my private projects would not be disturbed by the imprisonment of school for a long time (that's how I experienced myself within it). 

Being relieved from the nightmare of school always made me cheerful. Everything would become easier. I would feel light on my feet. From my present perspective I can see that that was halve the story. Me being this energetic and hysterical was simply the expansion of positive energy after the compression of negative energy sitting in the classroom grinding my teeth the whole day for weeks in a row. Why I hated school so much is something I absolutely have to investigate. 

This mechanism where I went from the negative to the positive in relation to school is exactly the same mechanism I accepted within my 'working career'. I realise there is a reason we call it a school. It's merging with the herd becoming part of a troop and getting lectured permanently. Would a child do this voluntarily?

I found myself applying for my firts job at 21 and I got a well payed first job. As I got older I started to experience the jobs as stressful mental experiences at advertising agencies. In fact no different than the basic experience of myself in school. I have seen that it was all about the money and being in advertising/marketing made it schizophrenic to say the least. I have seen what paying bills was like for my parents and that stress about money is the Nr.1 cause of death. I feared these insights. I have suppressed my fears and the experience of myself within it completely.  

So in my working career (in times where the economy still had room to blow) the energetics would sort of be 'under control' meaning ignored. I was not rich nor poor. I got by, slowly allowing myself to drown in my daily routine consumed by work as I tried to stay on the game. This is how grumpy old men are born. I allowed myself to become this compressed spring of negativity. I was an adrenaline junkie so I would of coarse try to release the tension and compensate this negativity with thrills or by suppressing it with cannabis or both in short succession.

So cheerfulness for me is simply the flip side of depression and vice versa. I can bring it all back to my summer holidays. The high of expansion when the holidays started. The way down as compression as the holidays came to an end. Within this it's interesting to observe the post holiday play outs within our relationships. We all sort of travels a long this up and down scale of stress and relaxation and within this energetic game of ping pong we sometimes experience ourselves as this physical relaxation. We become aware of the stress on a physical level and start to notice how fucking tensed up we are. This can be a shocking realization. Like I had when I had my first yoga lesson after my first burn out. I'm not surprised people often get heart attacks within the first few days of their vacations. I think those are simply shocking realizations of meeting the physical during a brake from the mind program. The pressure drops and the whole thing pops.

I did not die during holidays. I jumped of bridges. I ride my bike as fast as I could. I went climbing and did stupid things in general. All to create that buzz of adrenaline to prep myself because somewhere inside the pressure cooker was the reality of having to get back out there that self created framework of the daily routine. Work! Making money! The CONversations I had about my holidays speak for themselves. The post holiday depression is a sign of pure decadence and self diminishment. I'm looking at myself as a happiness machine.

Ones the word 'cheerful' was an expression of sheer self enjoyment. Getting my hands full of mud for the first time or my first whistle. Or the first time I rode a bike. As a toddler I connected no 'values' to these experiences. They where enjoyable physical experiences. Over time merging with these patterns I have allowed myself to become stress that needs a release. In fact it's like walking. It looks like something but one is actually falling from one step to the other. In that sense life is permanently unstable and I accepted that as the daily reality of me. Without the Desteni material I would not have been able to see these point. How would I have been able to see if all I do is make projections? All because I was educated to value positivity more than negativity.

I have payed enough attention in school to know that 1+1=2 and I see and realize that the second one has to come from somewhere. So if I focus on using my resources to generate more positive energy I'm actually creating negative energy by depleting my resources. SO the more I focus on this so called happiness or cheerful state of mind the bigger my depression or loopback is going to be. It's strange how I never saw behind the veil of such a simple equation. From this perspective it makes sense that if one is not participating in cheerfulness this will often trigger a negative response. "What's wrong?", "Why don't you join the party?", "Are you depressed?". I see it as simple science. If I'm more charged and expanded than my surroundings my surroundings will have to adapt in order to balance out my presence. I read somewhere that a lot of stand up comedians are primarily depressed and if this is so it makes total sense to me. 

So friday comes and I see myself having that stiff drink. Ad a little alcohol to the mix and it becomes painfully clear how fucked we are within this permanent polarity play. It becomes clear that I'm nothing more than an induction engine producing positive energy thus mining the negative creating holes of negative space that will have to collapse sooner or later. If that happens then they are the earthquakes that rippled through my life. Engines create friction so eventually they wear out. That's exactly what I am doing. I run until I run no more.

To me this makes clear that striving for this cheerfulness or positive energy is exactly the same as drilling for oil. It has to come from somewhere and it will leave an empty space at the same time it will cost some to get it. So striving for positivity will create more negativity because it needs 'investment'. To lend money will cost money it's that simple. So when I meet someone who is depressed I can only conclude that I'm looking at the manifested consequence of my own cheerful incentives and when I allow myself to feel depressed I'm simply experiencing a cold turkey moment of being without my positivity dope. Missing the most elemental point that is me here breathing.

Within this I see realize and understand that it's of utmost importance to become stable and to remain stable. To observe myself and not allow myself to fool myself in thinking that doing my job or taking a brake is to be judged like I judge everything all the time as a positive or negative. That stability means to be here within every breath able to observe myself within these energy play outs between the positive and negative within my reality in the first place. How can I act if I do not see? 

Within this I see and realize that every time I make an investment the money has to come from somewhere. Every cheerful moment will create it's opposite as debt and as long as debt is there I will have to pay my interest. That's how this system works. So positivity like lending money is something I consume and it will consume me doing so. It's the law.

Within this perspective I experience myself a bit lost because I'm part of that system that is going haywire as we speak because more people want to feel positive so the production of negativity is going through the roof. This happens with devastating consequences that are already starting to manifest explicitly. Reality as such is collapsing and the holes are too big to be filled. We all see this and are so scared of these black holes of negativity that we look the other way. Like all others I'm faced with these points and the way I have participated within this. I'm part of the problem and I can see that I'm responsible for my part of the fuckup. Taking responsibility that's another story though.

So here I am this spiritual positivity junkie that's looking for the positive experience together with other junkies and the drugs are running out. What happens when drugs run out and everyone present is a junkie?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop a resistance towards school.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop a resistance towards education.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop a resistance towards institutes of education and knowledge

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop a resistance towards teachers and figures of authority in general

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop a resistance towards ambition and ambitious people judging them as collaborators with the powers that enslave not seeing realizing that within doing so I'm enslaving myself by giving all my power and self direction away to the mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop a resistance towards repetition and discipline not seeing realizing that I am actually a robot that is repeating himself disciplined in every possible way lol

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect cheerfulness with succeeding thus with money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize that to connect cheerfulness to success to money is to connect depression with debt

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to program myself and become automated within my reactions as happiness where I automatically experience happiness when I receive reward in whatever form be it a compliment or an physical achievement and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing that this hysterical expression of happiness is a positive feeling I am able to transcend to satisfaction as the expression of getting the job done and give to myself as I would like to receive without connecting getting a job done to reward or value within the construct of happiness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect happiness to reward or forms of payment or compensation for time and or money invested seeing realizing that making happiness part of the money system is creating debt thus sadness as well

I commit myself to when and as I see myself go to the feeling state of happiness breath and bring myself here to investigate the energetic nature of this happiness within and as the addiction to positivity and within that remind myself that there is nothing 'wrong' with self enjoyment as long as this is not at the cost of others io words giving it to myself as I would like to receive.

Day-029-Another day stated

Frustration as the consequence of stress is when I allow stress and that leads to me being ineffective in whatever it is I am doing because it's not me that is in control. Instead my self sabotage is doing so within and as the stress I allow to become. It's my reactions to the backchat of self diminishment and failure. 
Like in the moment where I have simply way too much on my plate and I didn't step on the brakes. I also wasn't as effective in my self management as I could have been. I lost 'valuable' time. Time is money. My parents have planned this midweek trip to Berlin for the whole family. Under 'normal' circumstances I would be really cool with this but now I find myself here within the situation where I made a mistake and my planning went down the drain and bam there is the friction of stress as frustration. Suddenly I see where I failed to plan sufficiently and realistically. The person who would watch my dog says he's not available for the full 100% so that cost me half a day to reorganize. On top of that it will cost me 50 euro's to get my dog in a 'good' place for the days to come. That lead to an extra vaccination for the dog thus a trip to the vet which was another 3 hours. So almost a day of unplanned activity had to be squeezed into a timeframe of 3 days I had to finish a job. Even writing this blofg fills me with stress because I have to get the shit done. Thus I have been working late and becoming very tired. Tiredness with me often leads to instability where I allow myself to be even more overwhelmed and ruled by my own energetics and getting out of bed like an energized zombie where the stress hit's me as the backchat the moment I open my eyes.Because of that outflow I again find myself within the experience of stress and frustration. I'm now rushing to get things done. My breathing is higher, I'm not relaxed and I allow this tension to lock up my body making the whole experience one of mental and physical torture for myself.Stress caused me to freeze caused me to not take on what was there caused chaos caused more to manage and within seeing myself like this is the projection of failure towards myself as lack of professionalism. I'm judging myself as not directing myself effectively and within the suppression of emotions that I connect to failure as self pity is the energy produced by the friction of stress as the outflow or my allowance of frustration because I'm not succeeding or producing results in a reality that is build on that construct completely. I'm rubbing against the system and within that It's okay to be frustrated. Everyone has it once in a while. Be positive, drink a few drinks, have a good time and get on with it. Not realizing I'm simply time looping into the next trap of stress and frustration because I'm not changing methods within the way I approach my reality effectively It feels like it's not working that my my efforts are 'in vain' while in fact it's simply me allowing myself to accept failure as an option. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am who I am within the way I handle myself within and as the energetics of stress and the outflow of stress within my reality as frustration and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing that it's within allowing myself to accept frustration as part of my reality I allow self sabotage to exist thus ineffectiveness to exist.

Day-028-The stress of dying slowly

Today within DIP lite I had to work with the word stress and the fact is that I am stressed. My experience within my reality is one of stress where I find myself in a dog eat dog world ruled by lies and fear and fight for profit being one of the lucky fuckers with a roof over my head and a toilet to shit in.

I'm working in the field of advertising and marketing and at no point is it more clear what it is we are doing to ourselves within the point of stress. Through creating bullshit out of nothing and relate back to that bullshit as if it where real and than become really fucking scared when we are confronted with our self created imagery. Within this I have alway realized that I am one of all that walk the streets naked under my clothing. I see and realize that I am packaged and labeled.

I'm too thick, thin, negative, positive, stupid, smart, bad, good. All based on referencing myself to messages that are referencing themselves to me which is the market-thing the ultimate bullshit. Within that I have become over impulsed by my own subliminal stroboscope. 

Within this I see and realize that I'm actually stressed all the time. I become aware of it more and more. The way I exist as energetics and how the I interact with my reality as these energetic responses coming from me as my stored software. My systems of 'intelligence' that forms my personality within how I act and interact within my relationships. This information is who I am so never fucking trust me ok?

If the question is how I live stress than that's primarily like everyone else. As the strain of life instead of life support. The stress of eating myself and die slowly.

I don't have a clou about my reality so underneath it all must 'lie' primal fear, existential fear, fear of death. Within this I accept myself as fearful which implies that I'm full of fear. I have done some crazy stuff in my life so I have experienced some fearful moments and I have seen the whole emotional play out my mind will attach to it. The whole thing is a virtual play out in my head. It's not real. But it has consequences that are real because I will create a relationship and evaluate these events with an emotional charge. Through time these string of events I created created me. The guy you have children with, or call daddy or whatever. A being full of emotions full of himself and it all relates back to fear.

A situation I walk into is a senso-motoric moment where I ask my computer to access my database of dealership. All I'm aware of (and not aware off) is than related back in time to these memory banks full of comparable situations to give me a context in which to place the situation I find myself in. Every 'bit' of input that is not in my relational database will trigger a warning/fear. 

However slight it might be, It's always related to the unknown or lack of 'intelligence' knocking around as fear in my head hahaha. 

So that's my experience of stress as fear from hardly noticeable via a sick feeling in the stomach too complete and utter possession where the fear makes me shift within my own body. Where I physically freeze up. Where everything sort of stops. Also called a panic attack. Where I become the  fear. And what happens when the fear takes over? Fascinating shit.

So what is that I'm observing as these shifts within my body when I'm experiencing myself as stress. Could it be that I'm finally starting to see how I exist in this reality within a moment when I'm not my thoughts and emotions?

What happens when I zap a computer? It will freeze up. What happens when I disturb the flow of software running too the processor? My computer will glitch. It's in between these freeze ups where I see a reality I have never seen before. Within this I see and realize I have never been aware of the fact that the stress is not me but energy produced by the mind I accept and allow to be me. 

And what is interesting is that although I'm aware of myself as it takes place I never seem to be able to stop the fear. It's a 'feeling' of hopelessness which clearly indicates I'm giving up to some construct of hope and hope does not play ball. At this point I see myself in awareness of the fact that I'm ruled by thoughts, emotions and feelings and there is not yet another platform to operate from. It's this instability and nothing to hold on too in my head that is the biggest fear of all which is the end of me which is death.

I have allowed myself to program my whole being as who I am in word and deed within this structure and it's this structure that manifests my reality. That's how I live stress. It's the permanent background noise of fear. It's observing myself as every little refraction towards reality instead of being physically here in my reality. It's this never-ending stream of information pouring from my mind I so desperately want to believe is me. I knowing that that it is not the case but as a friend sad to me a lot of times "knowing is not enough".

That's the biggest point of stress I deal with on a daily bases. 

Seeing realizing that I'm a lie. That the words I speak are seldom a living statement and that observing myself in self honesty shows me that we all do this.

That's why I experience this reality as overwhelming sometimes. I had that since I was a kid. I literally lost my mind somewhere. These kind of realizations used to scare the shit out of me and that's a 'good' thing because. Within that I see realize and understand that the only way to get rid of stress is to stand with it as I am as the one accepting and allowing it to be me and to forgive myself for ending up in this version of myself. 

I could go on and on bout the different sorts of stress but the fact of the matter is that all I am in this world is a mind ruling a body that's participating within relationships that are based one positive and negative energy and in between the two is the induction called stress. The ultimate destruction. The degree too which I am aware of myself within this point is very much related to willing myself to remain here and face the fear. I became a fucker so I lived stress as a fucker. My former colleagues will agree.

Day-027-A Stew is born

"A determination not to change my attitude or position on something in spite of good arguments or reasons to do so"

Arguments mean that there is a polarity between different points of view. ANd on top of that it must be determined if the arguments are 'good'. Who is going to do that? The ones producing the arguments? It cannot be denied that before anything else this is about good and bad, conviction and arguments. This is above all a match. There has to be a winner and a looser so there will be friction. Friction means that somewhere something has to create this friction. This is where I usually call my good friend Stubborn.

To change my attitude would imply that I must be willing to investigate the world around me with the purpose to understand why things are the way they are so I can investigate why I am what I am who I am. If I would do this I would soon find myself investigating and looking at the way things work and how I ended up in this particular version of myself within reality. Would I call myself stubborn at this point? Maybe within the point of not wanting to give up my quest or truth finding mission despite the advice of people around me that think looking for answers is a luxury commodity. I agree on that one.

Stubbornness as I live it always starts with self interest towards a point and then that point has to be defended for whatever narcissistic reason. A psychologist would say EGO. Of coarse and what is ego more than defending that what it thinks it is. Let me have a look.

I was not a stubborn baby so where did this whole thing come from? At some point I must have decided to use the word 'no' merely for the sake of saying 'no'. Maybe because my mother spoke it to me and I simply imitated her. 

I have a daughter and observed this phase where she discovered the word 'no' and it was within the same period she started to connect objects to people. We live in our house, they live in theirs. That's my bed and that's your bed. Its at this point she started to realize that the world around her is constructed out of  relationships. Every object connected to another object and the closest ones where those in her direct vicinity and that included me and her mother. The ones that used the word 'no' very often. 

How do I experience myself within my environment if I'm told 'no' a lot of times wile I'm curious about my surroundings and busy exploring this reality I find myself in?

At this point simply mimicking my parents behavior would already be considered stubbornness. From my point of view this 'yes/no' play out between parents and children lays the foundation for a pattern that becomes very much part of the person thus persona. Stubbornness thus is part of the identity that determines and differentiates peoples characters. My stubbornness is specific because it will be related to what I consider 'my reality'. Anyone questioning that is indirectly questioning me so I will respond to that like being attacked. I will fortify myself with stubbornness.

I am questioned and that means I would have to give answers. Take self responsibility for my stand points and thus question my self definitions and painfully enough those self definitions have become me. I stopped questioning them and that's why it's confronting if someone else does. It now has become a battle of ego. The unwillingness to change who I am as my accepted and allowed self definitions. 

Especially within the situation where someone else is showing me how I exist within this point. Where the stubbornness itself is directly addressed instead of being part of the play out between two stubborn people the stubbornness can then become a complete possession. I have heard myself talking crap not able to stop myself. Its like watching a psycho horror thriller and not being allowed to look away. It's a horrible experience but to give up my self definitions and face the unknown is even more scary. Thank god I learned how to be stubborn.

So how do I live stubbornness? Its part of my personality. My personality is al I 'think' I have as who I am. This is me as all my strings attached to the outside world. And somewhere I have decided that this is it. No more strings. This is me and this is my religions. This is where I am god and these strings belong to me and I am the one that pulls them. You can pull my strings but I will not accept the removal or questioning of them. My stubbornness as the fear of loosing these strings of information is defending the shape and size of who I am. This is how you see me. Part of all decisions made. My stuborness does not stand alone it's a premium member of my committee of self interest.

All decisions I made. Positive negative it made no difference. Stubbornness is part of me as my fear of reality. My fear of death as me the unknown, fear of change. Stubbornness is giving more value to my thoughts than this physical reality. Stubbornness is part of the ego trip and that's 'me' you see.

Day-026-my need for greed

From my present perspective I have started to live the word greed since the first time I wanted the bigger piece of a cookie when my mother would brake it in half. That first moment I heard myself say "but his part is bigger than mine". That's greed to me. Mine! Mining for satisfaction of self interest. Always and only at the cost of others. The opposite can be greed as well. Where I pity myself and manipulate people into helping me. Where my behavior turns parasitic instead of predatorily. Where I lean on the crutches of others so to speak.The word 'greedy' has an old English / Germanic origin. In Dutch we say 'gretig' which means 'eager' which can easily be mistaken with enthusiasm. And that's how I primarily lived and projected greed into the world. My enthusiasm, 'my into me I am'. If I wanted something I became eager to get it and as a child I already learned how to manipulate by copying the principles from my parents and I saw greed in everyone. The word greed was simply a description of behavior like so many others. It never raised any real questions. It was simply something that everybody did and it was how the world I accepted functioned.I was introduced and started to see more perspective within the whole construct of greed as I went to school which was a catholic school and I heard all the bible stories. So as I got home and my mother told me I shouldn't eat so fast/greedy it made no sense to me. To me being hungry and having an apatite had nothing to do with Cain and Able.Within that context the concept of 'sharing things with others' is part of every parents vocabulary and morality construct within raising their children. It's an exact copy of what my parents said. But no parent lives his or her own words within it. So what can we expect of a child? I heard it often until it became part of my background noise. I had my own priorities for I was greedy. Share your toys, the playground, play together, share the fun, be nice. Fuck! Share the so called peace. Yeah whatever you fucking hypocrites. And there you have the arrogance of puberty. The freaked out pubic anger attack. Where every parent get's his or her last chance to look in the mirror before it cracks and shatters the fairytale of parenting children in a world where all parents live greedy ever after. My child before your child whatever happens. Go and reproduce ye little ones.As far as I can see that whole concept of greed existed within me as the polarity between selfishness  and generosity. Where greed became my primal motivation to become top dog and generosity the way to manipulate others to remain in position. Not understanding both mechanisms so essentially I was clueless and fucked myself oblivious. That's another story though.Giving is an investment and receiving the pay out. One can pretend to give unconditionally but it doesn't take a scientist to see how we live this principle as we create our reality as the human species trough it. And primarily that's how I see myself reflected back into this reality where I live out my greed as self interest within all my actions. That's like becoming my own corporation.Within that I see and realize that the concept of giving as I would like to receive made no sense because it was never explained to me into specificity what this equation entails. My parents and teachers like the ones before had no other option then to follow their preprogrammed path of destruction.Within that I see and realize that I have never done anything without wanting something for it in return. If I found a sick animal and brought it to the vet I thought I did it out of compassion. But I also wanted to get rid of a potential feeling of guild without remorse. I programmed myself to think that it was my moral obligation to act. Where did that come from? O yes education and religion. Good and bad and so on. I was educated and already part of a living reality based on winning and loosing, power versus weakness, hard versus soft, strategic intelligence versus lack of information, men versus animal. I see that not bringing the wounded animal to the vet might have caused me to feel guilty. In order to invest in feeling good in the future I reduced my 'feelings' of guild in the now. That's like protecting investments through intelligence. Then I brought the animal to the vet instead of helping him out of his misery because I had this whole morality thing about killing. The vet probably killed the little squirrel in the backyard as soon as I left the building. A perfect example of acting out greed and how I as the mind build the corporate structure that is me. Passing on karma without even knowing what it was at the time. Lol!I could go on and on about my participation within it. As an example as I got my first job I was one of the few people in holland working with Apple computers at the time. So I had an advantage and I knew if I kept studying the software and stayed ahead I would remain the power user I was at the time and the reason I got the job in the first place. So I was very eager to keep my skill set up to date and within this I got increasingly more scared of the future because I slowly started to understand that what happened in the bible was also happening to me. That there was competition rising and that I had become part of the equation. It started my quest for answers and it also fucked me up career wise because the rat race is not a race you step in or out of. You participate or leave the stadium. If I'm not part of the race I'm not competing on the world stage and without greed someone else will do the killing for me. In that regard nature is less cruel than I am. Nature is what it is I want to be more than 'I' am.Excessiveness is a disease, like the luxury to live a depression. A few years back I was able to do so because I had some financial reserves so I could lay on the couch for a few months smoking pot while feeling sorry for myself. Like I had more rights to be depressed than someone else and with that comes the guild. The catholic dogma coming full circle. Greed and guild is what made the dutch one of the wealthiest nations on earth. Like a lot of dutch I'm aware that we are guilty thus have committed a crime. But we tolerate crime and thus we became one of the richest and most liberal countries in the world because we breed the greed to do so. Welcome to my roots of greed.More to Come. Must Watch Documentaries if you are interested in understanding reality:The Century of the Self: Part 1- Happiness MachinesThe Power PrincipleThe TrapPsywarHuman Resources: Social Engineering in the 20th Century

Day-025-10.4 the 'copy cat' loop

This  is a (coincidental) follow up to
Day-024-Getting rid of headaches

Reacting too generalizations
Sometimes I catch myself within a reaction saying something a long the line of: "that's cool we should all do that" or "we should all learn from that". And I noticed that I'm not the only one doing this. Everybody I know has this particular line of code in their vocabulary. So if this phrase or reaction to our environment is common it must be part of our basic structure and operating system and by now I know that when I observe programs like these they are flag points. It's observing myself in the mirror as software looping within and as the mind instead of being here seeing myself looking in the mirror. Here I stop and breath and take a moment to reflect.

One but not the same (how is that possible?)
Within seeing myself reacting I immediately realized what I was doing. I was reacting preprogrammed like a dog barking with the pack not questioning why it is barking. Letting everybody within the pack know I was there with my particular sent and voice tonality. Arf, arf, bark, bark. Here I am the white dog with the blue eyes. 

This is me participating within the most basic form of communication and it makes me wonder about the word 'communication'.

Communication The imparting or exchanging of information or news. The successful conveying or sharing of ideas and feelings. Social contact. She gave him some hope of her return, or at least of their future communication.
ORIGIN late Middle English: from Old French comunicacion, from Latin communicatio(n-), from the verb communicare ‘to share’

See the new dictionary defenition says it's about greater understanding (software integration). The origin of the word communication dates back to the greek and theirs definition describes exactly that what it is is 'to share'. It's in fact nothing more than that. Even the word hope exists within this construct. 'Hope' and 'should'. Fruit from the same tree. So eventually it's simply sharing whatever it is that's there even a pile of bullshit. As long as it is shared and we do it together we feel accepted and safe within our 'sharing group'.

Projecting my religious assumptions
I see myself sharing and confirming my moral/religious statements as projections into the future 'we should...'. It holds no substance or relevance other than sharing a portion of my morality like a dork barking with the pack not making sense other than noise pollution as verbal diarrhea. Haleluyipikaye.

Adapting a religion as behavior within the hive
Why do I do this? What am I doing? As an example, an event takes place in my presence or I witness something while I am with other people and there is this common reaction one can have as a group. Here I witness myself as part of a pack as I silently agree too 'group protocol' and adapt group behavior, a religion with the sole purpose to gain access too another network or group solely for self interest. The hilarious part being that I'm too brainwashed to be aware of it. The leader of the pack mostly is not but that's another story.

"Yes this Bobcat and deer living together is a great example, we should learn from them"

or 

"Yes I prefer spirituality over religion as well, we should all be more spiritual"

or 

" I agree italian cars seem to have more character, the japanese should learn how to bring more character into their designs"

And so on...

Pasword, routines and program execution
So If I'm with a group of philosophers the focus will be on philosophy. Different perspectives, philosophers etc. Enough stuff to talk about and to have different opinions about and enough common demeanors to experience myself as part of a group and feel safe. With designers the pith of the matter will be focussed around design. All individuals have their set of preferences regarding design and esthetics they all more or less share the same background/education/programming. 

Within these networks I communicate about the same stuff from the past in the same dialect so to speak. Like preachers do every sunday. Preaching for and within my own church. And so I can sit with musicians and the whole evening will be filled with information about cords, amplifiers, drumheads, cymbals and the longest guitar solo ever. Photographers will talk about optical abriviation, color correction lens flare, until your head pops. It's all dead words because I'm  only sharing. I'm not producing any substance other than words. Dead words. Here I see myself producing lines of code from the past coming from the pool of information regarding design coming from the design community as the religion of design. And it's all about keeping the relationships as energy going within groups in relation too others too others etc. Indeed programs within programs with an occasional software upgrade or downgrade lol. Being with the program isn't that a much used phrase in spy thrillers? Am I in or out!

The should loop 
We should all follow Jezus. We should all love or neighbor... Should is is a shot in thin air. 'Should' is a first class fucker. I should remind myself of that lol. I could go on and on about the small details and constructs That i'm parroting from my own history books, the teachers I had and my social surroundings as the influenza of reality. The viral code I have accepted and allowed to compose a set of definitions that became my preferences on esthetics and design in general which became part of my personality as my projections towards reality as a whole. I should make this better, that faster and satisfy you more.

Focussing on the flaws (existing as a permanent critic) 
So when and as I make picture presentations of 'design' that conforms to the general religion as propagated by the authority of the elite as the group of designers as 'good design' I will immediately have judgement towards that object and within that e-value it. In my case literally energize it as enthusiasm or 'love' or hate. But it's at it's root all based on criticizing everything instead of practical enjoyment of something that's form follows function and simply functions and thus assists and supports me in doing whatever it is I have to do with it. Within that perspective I can have a look at myself as a design which I am. 

within this I see realize and understand that I apply this construct and it's mechanism unto my reality in all I do. I am permanently 'judging', evaluating and calibrating myself within my world and reality in relation to my preprogrammed religions because I fear the unknown. That which is not understood which is me. I'am literally living and projecting my past all the time! Consequently nothing 'new' will step forward nor will I be able to change who I am or what I am.

How to stop living in the past if I'm all ready dead
A phrase I heard often. "Stop living in the past". Hilariously good advice to give each other. We 'should' do that all the time agree? Mean while I refuse to change and continue to spread my historic bullshit and even worse, I'm sharing it with with my child as well culminating into this reality that is world war 3 in full blast and we are not even aware it's going on. It's everywhere and these religious projections about a reality we do not understand ourselves lying to our children and child abuse of epic proportion. Living the past in the present. Is it really that simple? If this is form follows function then the purpose our basic design must be total destruction. Because the fuckness I find myself in as this world is nothing more then a reflection of who I am in the past.

How lost I am within and as the mind. It's cool to see how I am able trough writing this shit out show myself how I operate within these parts.

Ten four out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to generalizations

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge people, objects, concepts as cool, not so cool, awful and awesome

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop myself and instead participate within judging people, objects, concepts as cool, not so cool, awful and awesome

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a dog barking with the pack

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not question myself when I go into a reaction towards reality where I judge people, objects, concepts as cool, not so cool, awful and awesome

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself because I want to be part of a group making noise and manifesting myself solely for sake of manifesting myself in order to be seen like a product on a shelf fighting for attention on the scene within the scenery

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make claims to what should be done or what I should be doing and not doing them making my words dead fish in the water not even causing a ripple in the ocean called reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge people, objects, concepts as cool, not so cool, awful and awesome in relation to laws and rules made by myself as part of the elite that define what is good and bad and wrong and right seeing realizing that I'm simply part of the polarity play out yin yanging myself trough space and time  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that the fundamental design of reality is me as polarity all the time in order to generate energy within and as these play outs judging everything within every frame I capture with my minds eye

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to Identifying myself with the outside reality instead of realizing that I'm doing this out of fear of what I might find investigating my reality within

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the phrase "Stop living in the past". Seeing realizing I myself am not able to stand as an example of that point as a whole thus becoming part of the pool of bullshit that is turning this world into the whole of pity it is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my historic bullshit as my own propaganda within and unto my relationships as these religious projections seeing realizing I'm thus becoming part of the problem instead of a solution that's best for all

http://desteni.org/
http://desteniiprocess.com/
http://eqafe.com/
http://destonians.com/

Day-024-Getting rid of headaches

The spark of life faces death
The way I see myself behave in relation to feeling positive or negative and the way others perceive me within doing so. This is what popped up as I was reading a blog today. Also an image of a heavily mutulated man after an accident I saw on FB kept popping. I felt quite 'heavy' this week.

So i'm looking at myself and my behavior captured within a moment of time where someone else is experiencing me in a certain way according to my voice tonality and my general expression. How do I experience myself within this observation.

I see myself getting up in the morning day after day with a serious case of morning sickness although pretending/acting out that I am emotionally 'stable' and seemingly unaffected by what is going on in my life and the world in general at the moment. Suppressing the hell out of what I really feel.

Waking up from the unconscious into the conscious and into reality can be a nightmare. So within my life within all I have accepted and allowed to happen and all I did to create my reality I also created this believe that I am who I am when I wake up. But who the fuck is that person waking up? Is it me simply here? Apparently not because I see myself wake up and for all I know I could be on drugs. And I keep reminding myself that hormones are drugs so me waking up is like a drug cartel waking up.

So what are mood swings? What is morning sickness? What is a depression? When I wake up I notice aches and pains, tiredness, anxiety, resistance. That whole spectrum of emotions and feelings as I become aware and see the picture carousel that starts too spin. I hear myself sigh as I sit up straight and stretch myself. I moan as I get up and feel my knees that need bearing replacement. Before I have my first coffee I already did this whole play of emotional responses and the only one sharing these scenes is my dog who does not seem to have these reactions towards reality.

How long have I been taking this character experience of myself for granted as who I am in the morning waking up. I'm starting to look at what is here as me within those moments. It's rather funny too observe. Especially when waking up with someone else beside me.

And this I find fascinating because as the mind I will always walk into that shitload of thoughts, emotions and feelings that are by definition there to distract me from the now as I wake up in the morning. Reality and all that has to be done to stay on top of the game is the perfect distraction from the experience of myself within. Giving myself perfect 'reasons' to give in to the ever present seduction of stepping back within myself. Hide myself within whatever construct of depression, seclusion and self pity I can come up with. And within reality it's one of the most accepted ways of getting of the hook.

I'm sorry I'm not feeling it...

Feeling things seems to become the new religion in this world. Either you feel it or you don't. Sorry won't be there, not feeling it? You make me feel sad? Why? Don't know but you make me feel sad and so forth.

Ronald Reagan ones said that recession is when something bad happens to your neighbor. Depression is when it happens to you. Within my daily reality I'm constantly exposed too and participating within these patterns and play outs. Although I see realize and understand that I'm not my depressions I'm still the creator of them within my participation and reactions towards my daily reality in the same way I create the 'look at it from the bright site motherfucker' and everything in between.

It's a strange and sometimes bitter experience to walk with myself within this world that is a reflection of me. How can I not be affected by the sheer fuckup I find myself in? So from one perspective there is nothing to be positive about and from the other perspective there is nothing to be negative about. Whatever way one look at it, what remains is me here observing myself within and as these expressions and morning sickness being one of the most interesting ones.

The moment I start interacting with other people it becomes clear. I'm balancing my scales. Within the participation with other people the subtle differences on the '+-' scale between us start to show. They show me how others perceive me and expect me to behave as a fellow human being. Within that I have heard remarks like: You look tired are you OK? You sound sad is something wrong? Where is that spark of life within you? Cheer up? These points seem to relate to some sort of invisible scale of reference.

Tired versus energetic
Sad versus happy
Spark of life versus the dark hole of death
Cheer up versus talked down

What I find fascinating is that invisible scale we created. A scale of reference that's part of the propaganda system of the power principle that bombards us with imagery of sex, love, happiness and success within this world. Where I permanently measure my state of happiness in relation to the scale.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge everything I do to an invisible scale

More to come

Day-023-E-value ate the money

I was looking at some of my experiences over the past week. A week that was filled with ridiculous deadlines, stress, irritation, tiredness, confusion, suppression and lunacy. All because the money has to flow to a specific point more than to another. Its kind of mathematical and I'm not talking about the whole planet although exactly the same thing is happening on a macroeconomic scale and because I am a participant I'm confronted with the 'value for money discussion' on a minute to minute bases.

I make money so I'm a cost point. One of many that causes stress. That's what money does and it's measured in space and time. I'm confronted with this principle within almost every decision I make during my day, in fact all people are. Even the ones that have no money are part of the 'deal'.

So like the ones before me I accept the shite as part of the package and although it has always bugged the fucking hell out of me I was somehow able to suppress the anger and frustration with lot's of distraction in the form of so called free time and entertainment. That pattern however is kind of changing as my Facebook page illustrates.

The past always visits me as I find myself in doubt during my projects. This week I got a vivid perspective of myself within and as the patterns I exist as 'personally and professionally'. I had a few volcanic moments and at one point. I snapped and allowed myself to become completely possessed by anger and frustration. It was not a pleasant experience. It disgusts me to find myself in that total possession and looking back I can see that trying to avoid the experience is one of the reasons I have lost or quit jobs in the past.

This week like so many before felt like being submerged in energy and I couldn't earth myself to remove the static. It's like I see myself go I know what will follow but I'm unable to change direction. It's almost like an addiction. No, it is an addiction it's a pattern *flag point. It's knowing only one way and being to scared to even think of another that's it. Today as I finally take this moment for myself to put one and two in perspective where I'm cleaning up my house, doing the laundry, walking the dog and I become aware of my body as this collection of tension is when I realize I'm actually the sum of my the parts that make up the equation.

This is my fucking value for money!

It would be extremely funny if it wasn't killing us. All this tension because we have bills to pay. Slowly cannibalizing myself as the days pas by. And it hit me today that it makes sense. What Value? From every purchase or every sum of money spent. Value for money is based not only on the minimum purchase price but also on the maximum efficiency and effectiveness of the purchase. The interesting question however should be, what is our 'valuepoint' of reference regarding value that is permanently changing according to our own preprogrammed behavior? In other words my unstoppable appetite to have more than others. I am part of the fucking feedback loop. I'm feeding the monster by my own participation. Ah it's genius we all faced the same question. Stand or deliver? We all deliver and fall collectively for the highest bidder which is our own mind.

There is no value and that's why it is what it is. Even if my life would be that of luxury and splendor there would be no value because value is created in the mind and that can't be done without creating debt. From my perceptive it explains the way I experience myself within my work. I do not dare to say professional career because what is a professional standard? It is part of the same value system that is part of the money system and if you have the whole of humanity including myself trying to buy more for less this is what you get. Over time no value was created we only created debt so I have no value only debt and it's so huge I can only pretend it does not exist and deny its existence because facing my responsibility within it is just to big and to shameful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become possessed by energy because I did not give myself clarity within the chaos surrounding my professional activities over the past week.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to panic instead of getting a clear perspective on the impossibilities of the work that had to be done within the given amount of time and take self responsibility within communicating these points clearly and effectively with all people involved.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not place myself within strict boundaries regarding my priorities and to be realistic about what can be done and not be done and communicate that, taking into consideration that the reaction I get might not be a pleasant one seeing realizing that placing boundaries will always cause someone somewhere to hit the fence within that I see realize and understand that I'm not responsible for the way people deal with their emotions and that it's not my responsibility to have all the answers

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not seeing realizing and understanding that one of my tasks is to alway be clear within my communication because without clear communication on my part there can only be assumptions that become projections regarding me and the status of my work

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within my work loose my professional stance



http://desteni.org/
http://desteniiprocess.com/
http://eqafe.com/
http://destonians.com/

Day-022-About the money

This is a follow up on:
Day-021-I don't need your opinion I need you to get my shit done!!!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to relate everything in my reality to money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become unstable because I fear loosing money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let money determine my behavior, persona and base all my actions on money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect money to fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect money to my jobs

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect money to my company

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my assumptions about money on my reality thus creating my financial reality not knowing for a fact if what I see is what is in fact

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect myself to money and identify myself with money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within the money point always think about myself first

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear loosing my position, my stand out of fear of loosing money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect money to pressure and stress

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I have to get used to this reality, accept it, merge with it, surrender to it, don't ask questions about it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that within getting used to money I did not see money for what it is and created a pattern and addiction to money and thus did not allow myself to become comfortable with money as 'normal' part of my reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become bitter and judgmental towards money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the responsibilities that come with making my own money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not allow myself to see or accept the point that within every given situation it's me who makes the decision to participate within reality or not and within that I forgive myself for not moving myself out of fear of loosing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that the mind will never surrender thus if I want to change I can not allow myself to stop until it's done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear loosing all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear success as in creating a financial platform of stability from which I'm able to gather information and asses my options regarding my commercial activities as work and thus money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not slow down when the professional situation asked for it and within that sabotage myself within not creating a clear picture for myself as tasks of what to do and when to do them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not educate and train myself within the point of being realistic and allow myself to say 'no' in order to create clear starting points for myself and be professional within the way I communicate and go about my work

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to gather more information when I see I'm not having enough information in order to get my jobs done professionally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not clearly and specifically communicate with other persons in relation to the information I need to do a professional Job

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take out the guesswork by preparing my projects in such a way that it creates clarity about what steps to take and within this create the opportunity of choosing to abort or go ahead and in either case reduce friction between me and my clients

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to educate myself within the point of dealing with friction within relationships realizing that it starts with me and that I have a choice to be part of the problem or part of the solution and that I have not allowed myself to become effective within this point within turbulent situations thus creating friction and sabotaging myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think friction is a fact of life not seeing realizing that it's me who is responsible for creating friction by my own participation within and as my projections, judgment, thoughts, emotions and feelings and within that I realize I have never learned to identify these patterns and give myself a window of opportunity instead kept bouncing back within this point within my relationships

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict seeing and realizing that by fearing conflict I'm in fact creating it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict seeing and realizing that what I fear will materialize because that's what fear does

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resonate that I'm not good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear friction

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to identify my fears by making my daily writing a daily application realizing I can only give myself clarity by taking the time to sit with myself and write myself out instead of thinking about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become scattered within my professional communication because I don't allow myself to gather enough information because I allow myself to rush things and thus risk creating failure out of fear of failing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become easily distracted within and as the mind when other people share information in my presence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to loose myself within the polarity of work instead of creating clarity by identifying the working components as the specific building blocks of a particular project seeing realizing that this is how every project is to be completed doing things step by step in the necessary order

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize I can only create form if I'm clear about function so in order to let form follow function I have to create clarity and perspective on functionality first

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not slow myself down enough before I start participating and or interacting within relationships and within that not realizing i'm creating my own stress and anxiety by not making myself responsible for it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create friction within the point of creating to many loose ends within my projects thus loosing oversight and are thus responsible for creating my own chaos.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that professionally means to always take the human (system) component in consideration meaning that refusing a project because of unrealistic deadlines is also part of my profession.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to give myself total control over my own involvement within my work.


http://desteni.org/
http://desteniiprocess.com/
http://eqafe.com/
http://destonians.com/

Day-021-I don't need your opinion I need you to get my shit done!!!

This is a follow up to:
Day-020-Fear of success

Opening up the point of self sabotage further. I want too have a look at a situation at work involving the way I work. How I experienced myself within the outflow and the work itself. To start of I realize that my work is the 'money point' and everything in my reality is related to that point.

I only have to look at myself and the people around me to see what happens if this point becomes unstable. Everything as in my whole persona', my whole being becomes unstable because I fear to have no money. I don’t hear people about it but I see it all around. My money determines my life my world, my universe because my world evolves around me. It's my job, my company, my family, my responsibility, it's my projections unto my reality and it is my reality. My money or lack of it creates my reality.

I can pretend that it’s not the case but when the shit hit's the fan I think about myself and the money before something else first. It’s like a reflex and sometimes it’s not even concious. Within my reality I'm always arguing for my limitations because I fear loosing my position, my stand. And from where I am standing the point becomes most prominent within work and my working environment. There is always the pressure of doing things as efficient as possible because time = money and somewhere there is this primal fear that there is someone who can do it faster than me. It's called the rat race and yes I'm a rat too.

Within the current money system there will be friction surrounding this point. Money itself lubricates, the getting it creates friction and this is where I find myself within my daily reality where I have to get used to IT. Used to this reality? Accept it? Merge with it? Surrender to it? Don't ask questions about it? All this time all my life not realizing that within getting used to it I was creating friction within my relationship with money instead of the other way around.

Money lubricates the system thus it lubricates everything. No money no movement. Looking at it from the slot I have created for myself over time makes this point my 'bitter pil'. Reality is hard to swallow because it's unacceptable and I ‘know’ it. I educated and developed myself within the money point as bitter and judgmental and from these observations come the insights of what is required and I fear the responsibilities that come with getting myself here.

If I where a bit more ‘stupid’ or blind I would not have seen it and probably take the whole thing for granted and get used to it no questions asked. Yes the same old: "That's what it is children, better get used to it". I never wanted to see or accept the new perspective that within every given situation it's me who makes the decision to participate or not. That it’s all about my acceptance and allowances. I so much want to blame someone or something fore the fuckup seeing and realizing that blame is just another part of the puzzle and that I’m a part as well.

I'm shit scared to take full responsibility for that point. My judgment and assumptions make sure the 'I am not good enough' character is kept in the play never giving myself the experience of going all the way and succeeding by doing what is nessecary. What I'm starting to see is that the mind will never surrender so I have no other option than to never give up. So eventually It boils down to seeing myself as the mind that refuses to give up. Slow down-stop-give it up-loose it all.

LOOSE! WTF! NO!

Haha. So back-to-the-chat to work where I found myself again in a situation where I had to say 'no' and I didn't. I was asked if a certain job could be done in a certain amount of time. In itself a simple question. I was lacking information and I allowed myself (as so often) to not follow the elementary procedure. I thought I could avoid friction not seeing realizing that I was only postponing a point thus creating it. I can safely say I'm identifying and mapping a prominent construct within me here. In order to get things done I need all the information. From that point I can  investigate and make calculations which take out the guesswork and allows me to make a todo list and get clarity on the steps to take. It reduces the risk of having to abort a mission which is always more costly than not starting one.

SO within this I see myself having to answer the question of starting a mission or skipping it and answering the ‘bloody’ question 'why?'. Also not seeing realizing the point that giving myself the answer will not, is not to avoid friction but will reduce it. There will always be resistance. The question is how I am going to deal with it as in DEAL! with it. I see the point I created within myself over time.

As so many I fear conflict. I avoid it and I realize that by doing so I create it. I fear friction as conflict as having to stand my ground and within that allowing myself to think I'm not 'good' enough. And so I find myself struggling to stand my ground. Here I enter the point of self sabotage fucking up before I even start simply because I do not give myself clarity and allow myself to identify and step over my fears. And then I find myself juggling with the polarity of two components.


1. If I start the mission I create friction within the point of too many loose ends and I will create chaos.
2. Aborting the mission will create friction within the point of not solving a clients 'problem' thus create friction with a client.


(Fear component being that in both cases I will loose).

Within the whole construct is the component of me having to make a decision and loose or not giving myself control over my own involvement within the process. Meaning = to stop thinking and take action step by step.

I realize and see that I cannot avoid conflict when I'm the one creating it and thus become the participant and thus allow conflict to exist in this world instead of stopping it through taking self responsibility within this point within each breath. I realize I can do my part by redefining my approach to work and look at my definition of professionalism and not connect work to fear and as a consequence allow myself too loose grip on myself and my actions thus becoming unprofessional.

Why do I always start to justify myself for the ‘quality’ of my work within my work environment and why is it so automated? The reactions I sometimes get from so called bosses says it all. "I don't need your opinion I need you to get my shit done…." Eventually It's looking into the mirror of me, me, me.

Interesting within my work I need to think and reflect and come up with concepts that create polarities and opinions and perspectives and the moment they have to be transformed into money it must go through the process of friction. There seems to be no way around it. So Looking at it from that perspective it kind of comes down to my situational awareness. Am I aware of the situation. Can I identify all relevant aspects within and take them and myself into consideration within my decision making process.

apparently  the professional is not allowing himself to be one...

More to come