Day-025-10.4 the 'copy cat' loop

This  is a (coincidental) follow up to
Day-024-Getting rid of headaches

Reacting too generalizations
Sometimes I catch myself within a reaction saying something a long the line of: "that's cool we should all do that" or "we should all learn from that". And I noticed that I'm not the only one doing this. Everybody I know has this particular line of code in their vocabulary. So if this phrase or reaction to our environment is common it must be part of our basic structure and operating system and by now I know that when I observe programs like these they are flag points. It's observing myself in the mirror as software looping within and as the mind instead of being here seeing myself looking in the mirror. Here I stop and breath and take a moment to reflect.

One but not the same (how is that possible?)
Within seeing myself reacting I immediately realized what I was doing. I was reacting preprogrammed like a dog barking with the pack not questioning why it is barking. Letting everybody within the pack know I was there with my particular sent and voice tonality. Arf, arf, bark, bark. Here I am the white dog with the blue eyes. 

This is me participating within the most basic form of communication and it makes me wonder about the word 'communication'.

Communication The imparting or exchanging of information or news. The successful conveying or sharing of ideas and feelings. Social contact. She gave him some hope of her return, or at least of their future communication.
ORIGIN late Middle English: from Old French comunicacion, from Latin communicatio(n-), from the verb communicare ‘to share’

See the new dictionary defenition says it's about greater understanding (software integration). The origin of the word communication dates back to the greek and theirs definition describes exactly that what it is is 'to share'. It's in fact nothing more than that. Even the word hope exists within this construct. 'Hope' and 'should'. Fruit from the same tree. So eventually it's simply sharing whatever it is that's there even a pile of bullshit. As long as it is shared and we do it together we feel accepted and safe within our 'sharing group'.

Projecting my religious assumptions
I see myself sharing and confirming my moral/religious statements as projections into the future 'we should...'. It holds no substance or relevance other than sharing a portion of my morality like a dork barking with the pack not making sense other than noise pollution as verbal diarrhea. Haleluyipikaye.

Adapting a religion as behavior within the hive
Why do I do this? What am I doing? As an example, an event takes place in my presence or I witness something while I am with other people and there is this common reaction one can have as a group. Here I witness myself as part of a pack as I silently agree too 'group protocol' and adapt group behavior, a religion with the sole purpose to gain access too another network or group solely for self interest. The hilarious part being that I'm too brainwashed to be aware of it. The leader of the pack mostly is not but that's another story.

"Yes this Bobcat and deer living together is a great example, we should learn from them"

or 

"Yes I prefer spirituality over religion as well, we should all be more spiritual"

or 

" I agree italian cars seem to have more character, the japanese should learn how to bring more character into their designs"

And so on...

Pasword, routines and program execution
So If I'm with a group of philosophers the focus will be on philosophy. Different perspectives, philosophers etc. Enough stuff to talk about and to have different opinions about and enough common demeanors to experience myself as part of a group and feel safe. With designers the pith of the matter will be focussed around design. All individuals have their set of preferences regarding design and esthetics they all more or less share the same background/education/programming. 

Within these networks I communicate about the same stuff from the past in the same dialect so to speak. Like preachers do every sunday. Preaching for and within my own church. And so I can sit with musicians and the whole evening will be filled with information about cords, amplifiers, drumheads, cymbals and the longest guitar solo ever. Photographers will talk about optical abriviation, color correction lens flare, until your head pops. It's all dead words because I'm  only sharing. I'm not producing any substance other than words. Dead words. Here I see myself producing lines of code from the past coming from the pool of information regarding design coming from the design community as the religion of design. And it's all about keeping the relationships as energy going within groups in relation too others too others etc. Indeed programs within programs with an occasional software upgrade or downgrade lol. Being with the program isn't that a much used phrase in spy thrillers? Am I in or out!

The should loop 
We should all follow Jezus. We should all love or neighbor... Should is is a shot in thin air. 'Should' is a first class fucker. I should remind myself of that lol. I could go on and on about the small details and constructs That i'm parroting from my own history books, the teachers I had and my social surroundings as the influenza of reality. The viral code I have accepted and allowed to compose a set of definitions that became my preferences on esthetics and design in general which became part of my personality as my projections towards reality as a whole. I should make this better, that faster and satisfy you more.

Focussing on the flaws (existing as a permanent critic) 
So when and as I make picture presentations of 'design' that conforms to the general religion as propagated by the authority of the elite as the group of designers as 'good design' I will immediately have judgement towards that object and within that e-value it. In my case literally energize it as enthusiasm or 'love' or hate. But it's at it's root all based on criticizing everything instead of practical enjoyment of something that's form follows function and simply functions and thus assists and supports me in doing whatever it is I have to do with it. Within that perspective I can have a look at myself as a design which I am. 

within this I see realize and understand that I apply this construct and it's mechanism unto my reality in all I do. I am permanently 'judging', evaluating and calibrating myself within my world and reality in relation to my preprogrammed religions because I fear the unknown. That which is not understood which is me. I'am literally living and projecting my past all the time! Consequently nothing 'new' will step forward nor will I be able to change who I am or what I am.

How to stop living in the past if I'm all ready dead
A phrase I heard often. "Stop living in the past". Hilariously good advice to give each other. We 'should' do that all the time agree? Mean while I refuse to change and continue to spread my historic bullshit and even worse, I'm sharing it with with my child as well culminating into this reality that is world war 3 in full blast and we are not even aware it's going on. It's everywhere and these religious projections about a reality we do not understand ourselves lying to our children and child abuse of epic proportion. Living the past in the present. Is it really that simple? If this is form follows function then the purpose our basic design must be total destruction. Because the fuckness I find myself in as this world is nothing more then a reflection of who I am in the past.

How lost I am within and as the mind. It's cool to see how I am able trough writing this shit out show myself how I operate within these parts.

Ten four out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to generalizations

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge people, objects, concepts as cool, not so cool, awful and awesome

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop myself and instead participate within judging people, objects, concepts as cool, not so cool, awful and awesome

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a dog barking with the pack

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not question myself when I go into a reaction towards reality where I judge people, objects, concepts as cool, not so cool, awful and awesome

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself because I want to be part of a group making noise and manifesting myself solely for sake of manifesting myself in order to be seen like a product on a shelf fighting for attention on the scene within the scenery

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make claims to what should be done or what I should be doing and not doing them making my words dead fish in the water not even causing a ripple in the ocean called reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge people, objects, concepts as cool, not so cool, awful and awesome in relation to laws and rules made by myself as part of the elite that define what is good and bad and wrong and right seeing realizing that I'm simply part of the polarity play out yin yanging myself trough space and time  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that the fundamental design of reality is me as polarity all the time in order to generate energy within and as these play outs judging everything within every frame I capture with my minds eye

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to Identifying myself with the outside reality instead of realizing that I'm doing this out of fear of what I might find investigating my reality within

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the phrase "Stop living in the past". Seeing realizing I myself am not able to stand as an example of that point as a whole thus becoming part of the pool of bullshit that is turning this world into the whole of pity it is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my historic bullshit as my own propaganda within and unto my relationships as these religious projections seeing realizing I'm thus becoming part of the problem instead of a solution that's best for all

http://desteni.org/
http://desteniiprocess.com/
http://eqafe.com/
http://destonians.com/

Day-019-Save me and then leave me alone

Another month has expired. A period where I had to face myself as resistance. Being with myself and experiencing myself as a little child that does not wan't to move what-so-ever. I needed a kick in the ass. Or maybe a freight train. Anyway I want to thank a certain someone for the booty.

What is the main point here? What is it i'm looking at? First off I do not sit with myself and take the time to really look at what is going on in my life from the perspective of cause and effect. How do I experience myself after a days work? Who am I within the nitty gritty of my behavior at the end of a day? What where those mood swings about today? Why is it so hard to come to that point where I sit with myself and look at the reactions, emotions, feelings I had during a day?

Let's face it who voluntarily does shit like that after a hard days work? Only those freaks at Desteni. Am I one of them? I just want to crash like I always did. The way I programmed myself during the last twenty or so years working 09.00-19.00. After that It's my fucking time now leave me the fuck alone (yes i'm talking to myself here). All I want to do if I have done as little as possible is go home and relax. Take my mind of the daily which is this fucked up reality. SO here I look at my basic program I developed over the past twenty or so years. Ending up on the couch smoking pot.

Stopping cigarettes and weed gave me perspective on what it means to become a habit instead of looking at one. I'm looking at habits that are part of personalities that I have designed over time within and as the mind. All accepted and allowed by me the director to be part of who I am.

It's quite a 'little' fuckup i'm looking at and it is up to me to take responsibility for cleaning out my closet. I see that no one will do it for me. I have been depressed enough to see that that is a mechanism within me. I have used it as a child to manipulate and get things my way. It is part of my persona. I have used it within my relationships and I'm still using it. Fuck it up as the easy way so I don't have to do it the hard way and go through that point of resistance to succeed.

At one given time we have all pretended to be sick in order to stay in bed that extra day in order to stay out of school. It's interesting to look at being self employed from that perspective because when I don't move myself everything stops because the money will stop. I'm completely self responsible for what I do in that area. It's all my creation and there's no one to blame but me (I hate that lol).

Within this I see myself and often a break or a pause will immediately trigger guilt. As If I have to be doing something al the time. Subsequently I see myself struggle with pushing myself within these moments where I have to take time to sit with myself and write myself out to get perspective and clarity.

I can see the bullshit because in the end I'm looking for distractions away from facing myself within who I am within this moment within reality because that is me within my physical actions (and that is not a pretty picture). I see myself come home doing all sorts of things (that also have to be done) but sitting with myself and writing out my day is always last on my list which makes it a low priority.

I experience a huge resistance toward taking myself seriously. To look at who I really am within my own experience as I walk myself through daily life. Observing myself and my actions and putting that shit down in front of me. It has the same feel as dragging myself to school as a kid. OK the resistance is huge let me leave it there.

I will myself to take this point by the balls. If I want to change this than that can only come from doing so. Moving important things to the bottom of my list means I make them unimportant and so I find myself doing them late in the evening and that simply does not work. The whole mechanism is one of 'self sabotage'. OK. There it is.

So if the resistance is huge than I must have a lot to hide from myself. Another reason for me to avoid the investigation. The point that came up this week and I saw it very clearly is that I'm utterly and completely addicted to sabotaging myself. I'm refusing to accept that I'm of mind and the mind is a program that does NOT want to change. I can only influence this process through deprogramming which is physical action as writing so here I am trying to restart my process.

Interesting word  'Influence' (influenza) = insert a virus = genetically alter myself lol

Within my process = daily life I take myself way to serious and I take everything personal as the mind and that will trigger personalities that have relationships with others and it will influence the way others perceive 'me' and my interactions. Most of the time I cannot see this while I'm participating within those relationships because my reactions are so automated. I will myself to breath and observe myself. It's when I have to process a lot of information simultaneously that I often find myself in the middle of a possession unable to stop participating as a certain character. And that's why I have to write this shit out. Writing that shit out means becoming intimate with myself which brings me full circle. It can only be that point. I fear self intimacy. I fear that point. I avoid that point.

More to come