Day-031-"hiding in the shed"

I want to change direction professionally and to do that I have to find a new way and expand on my existing area of expertise. I know about marketing, advertising, branding, photography and I have always 'loved' everything that involved bikes. More specifically mountain bikes. So if someone would ask me what I would love to do most proffesionally? It would be working in or around the bike industry. To me the bicycle is the best mechanical invention ever. Riding a bike even in its most simple form gives one a direct physical experience of every mechanical law in nature. In it's raw form it has no more parts than it needs to function. Using the same force as it would take one to simply walk, a bike  moves you 4 times faster. 

I was pondering on these perspectives as I was looking back on my career and I noticed that I had a few opportunities a long the way that could have been life changers but I did not use one. Not one! I kind of blocked those memories. Due to my present situation these images came up and forced me to take a self honest look at why I did not use those opportunities at the time and why I find it so extremely hard to get myself moving towards self change within these point.

Primarily it was fear. I remember the first time an advertising agency contacted me as I was just moving from on job to the other. Everything was already sort of arranged and more importantly I had a new relationship going with a girl in that new town I was moving to. Nevertheless I talked to the guys from the agency and looking back I see myself behaving cocky and arrogant. I was in a safe position to behave like that so like most overconfident 25 year olds I did. Hormones and a complete lack of humility probably.

They made me a great offer and I refused. Why?  Maybe because I already had a new job and most importantly a relationship. Relationships are the best way to distract one from reality. Furthermore their job would mean taking full responsibility for 2 brands. Two clients where I would have full creative responsibility for end results. So beneath al the bravura I was actually scared shitless, suppressed that fear and took on that cocky arrogant character. I moved away from Arnhem and landed in an office where I would eventually experience a burn out. The offer I got in Arnhem would have landed me with one of the biggest bike brands in Holland at the time. It would have given me the opportunity to meet people in the bike industry, build a network and move from there. WTF was I thinking....

This was not the first time I saw myself do this. My whole life is filled with moments where a seemingly simple decision means a different direction that completely alters ones coarse in life. Small moments big effects. A moment, that would require a little risk and pushing myself to learn a few new skills or fail within it. That's all I had to do. But I didn't and I choose to remain in my comfort zone. A zone where less opportunity presents itself. In retrospect I can say that less opportunities will start to present themselves and the route will become more dusty and less profitable as one gets older.

The past week I noted somewhere I was 'mindless' within not taking the risk of failure at the same time creating a change to grow and learn something new.

So the prime point here was taking risks... 

Interesting, in my upbringing taking risks especially those with financial consequence where considered 'mindless'. And since the first startup I was part off was not a success I sort of surrendered to that believe. But what I saw was that the way I generally use the word 'mindless' actually means the opposite? In general we tend to use the word 'mindless' when our behavior or that of someone else is not thought out. In other words someone is doing things without planning or a pre determined strategy. 

Look at how often we speak to our children like that. "Stop that mindless bullshit and so forth". However... Observing myself and my behavior as my mind and what I have accepted and allowed and decided to become as such gives a whole new meaning to the word 'mindless'.

Never in my thinking existence have I ever been mindless. In fact all my actions derive from myself as my mind even in my sleep in my dreams is it me as the mind that occupies my being. So from that perspective it's rather pathetic to judge myself or other peoples behavior as mindless because it simply never is, not even when we sleep.

I did not write for quite some time. I just didn't. Yuk! Fed up with being confronted with the vastness of these points at the moment. Normally I would say I'm depressed but what's a depression more than giving myself another reason to do nothing about it. 

I fear change and I fear changing myself. There it is. At the same time I must. The illusions of backdoors are gone there are no more exits. Like the banking system the facts are here for me to face. I'm also having these strange lower back problems. So something is happening at my base so to speak. I find it very hard to keep my back straight at the moment.

I can stabilize myself a little by doing sports so I started doing sports again and that involves a bike. My old bike was in pieces so I looked what was lying around and enjoyed building a bike from the materials I had and getting everything dialed inn. Being in my shed working with my hands calms me down. It helps me to stabilize and remain in the moment with what I'm physically doing. I also started training again on a regular basis to support my back. I have some indicators to why my back behaves like it does. Besides the psychosomatic causes there is the simple physical fact I have been sitting behind a desk my whole working life. So that's another thing I want to change. As little desk as possible.

Anyway looking back I was judging myself and my behavior in the past as reckless and mindless. Reckless-mindless. Where did that judgement come from? In sports I took risks (reckless). In my career I didn't (mindless). But isn't it strange that I use these thought constructs and eventually end up and decide to follow the path to self diminishment. So perhaps instead of mindless it's the opposite. It's within my participation as the mind I determine my actions. It's all mined from my mind.

So from that perspective there is no action in this world that can be mindless. Then it would be mindless thus without self interest. A long time ago as I sat in yoga class doing my best to become 'mindless' and enlightened it was in fact the realms of my mind I was exploring. There is no way out!

In that sense yes, being lost in and as the mind is an out of body experience but more as total denial of the body/this physical reality. If not for the fact that the same mind mines the body for energy thus holding the body enslaved thus cannot allow itself to leave. I suppose it would be possible to go nuts on purpose and become a famous mummy. Or set yourself on fire or something. History has plenty of examples of minds that do crazy shit in order to get attention.

Interesting the behavior I address as mindlessness is in fact always a point of self interest. Doing what I want to do whatever the consequence. Ego-nomics of some sort. Getting it according to my will and not take anything or anyone in consideration. How genius to call people 'mindless'. It completely camouflages my own responsibility of seeing a mind at work and instead of doing something about it I judge it. By doing so I'm in fact judging myself. Wether I'm a binge drinker, a heroine addict or an adrenaline crazy sports fanatic or soldier in Afghanistan. Calling myself or others mindless is acknowledgement of seeing the mind in action and not taking responsibility for it. 

Looking at myself I can say for sure that the most crappy shit I pull in life requires total denial of the physical reality meaning to lie to myself with absolute involvement of my mind especially in close collaboration with other minds because that makes my lies and behavior more acceptable and less conspicuous.

Eventually I find myself integrated with this bullshit to a point I start to identify with it as myself thus becoming the bullshit. And that's how I felt the last weeks. Slowly sinking back and very ashamed as part of all the bullshit and making it worse by allowing myself to sink further instead of giving myself some clarity about what I was doing. Writing it down in whatever way. I failed big time.

And it's within these small observations of using a word like 'mindless' I find a small peace of the nasty reality that I co create as the mind. True mindlessness would imply common sense and taking full responsibility for my physical reality in self honesty. I can say that that is something I proofed to myself once again how difficult this process can be at times. Ok I'm writing again but that does not change the fact that there is a lot on my list that makes me rather green around the nose. I created all of my reality based on assumptions coming from my mind. This can't be trusted meaning I have to take responsibility for it. Looting evolves from my mind that's why my evolution is nothing more than a story about robbing and steeling. I am an evil looter and I can see it because mindlessness does not exist until this reality become one as a reality that is not of mind.

The resistance to physical action towards writing myself out is really intense at the moment. It's kind of painful to see how much bullshit I'm is able to create in a few weeks. It's overwhelming at times to see that I really think and behave solely as mind not able to stop myself, completely controlled by the patterns and habits because I stopped writing. These few words kind of feel like an attempt to come out of my shed.

Day-019-Save me and then leave me alone

Another month has expired. A period where I had to face myself as resistance. Being with myself and experiencing myself as a little child that does not wan't to move what-so-ever. I needed a kick in the ass. Or maybe a freight train. Anyway I want to thank a certain someone for the booty.

What is the main point here? What is it i'm looking at? First off I do not sit with myself and take the time to really look at what is going on in my life from the perspective of cause and effect. How do I experience myself after a days work? Who am I within the nitty gritty of my behavior at the end of a day? What where those mood swings about today? Why is it so hard to come to that point where I sit with myself and look at the reactions, emotions, feelings I had during a day?

Let's face it who voluntarily does shit like that after a hard days work? Only those freaks at Desteni. Am I one of them? I just want to crash like I always did. The way I programmed myself during the last twenty or so years working 09.00-19.00. After that It's my fucking time now leave me the fuck alone (yes i'm talking to myself here). All I want to do if I have done as little as possible is go home and relax. Take my mind of the daily which is this fucked up reality. SO here I look at my basic program I developed over the past twenty or so years. Ending up on the couch smoking pot.

Stopping cigarettes and weed gave me perspective on what it means to become a habit instead of looking at one. I'm looking at habits that are part of personalities that I have designed over time within and as the mind. All accepted and allowed by me the director to be part of who I am.

It's quite a 'little' fuckup i'm looking at and it is up to me to take responsibility for cleaning out my closet. I see that no one will do it for me. I have been depressed enough to see that that is a mechanism within me. I have used it as a child to manipulate and get things my way. It is part of my persona. I have used it within my relationships and I'm still using it. Fuck it up as the easy way so I don't have to do it the hard way and go through that point of resistance to succeed.

At one given time we have all pretended to be sick in order to stay in bed that extra day in order to stay out of school. It's interesting to look at being self employed from that perspective because when I don't move myself everything stops because the money will stop. I'm completely self responsible for what I do in that area. It's all my creation and there's no one to blame but me (I hate that lol).

Within this I see myself and often a break or a pause will immediately trigger guilt. As If I have to be doing something al the time. Subsequently I see myself struggle with pushing myself within these moments where I have to take time to sit with myself and write myself out to get perspective and clarity.

I can see the bullshit because in the end I'm looking for distractions away from facing myself within who I am within this moment within reality because that is me within my physical actions (and that is not a pretty picture). I see myself come home doing all sorts of things (that also have to be done) but sitting with myself and writing out my day is always last on my list which makes it a low priority.

I experience a huge resistance toward taking myself seriously. To look at who I really am within my own experience as I walk myself through daily life. Observing myself and my actions and putting that shit down in front of me. It has the same feel as dragging myself to school as a kid. OK the resistance is huge let me leave it there.

I will myself to take this point by the balls. If I want to change this than that can only come from doing so. Moving important things to the bottom of my list means I make them unimportant and so I find myself doing them late in the evening and that simply does not work. The whole mechanism is one of 'self sabotage'. OK. There it is.

So if the resistance is huge than I must have a lot to hide from myself. Another reason for me to avoid the investigation. The point that came up this week and I saw it very clearly is that I'm utterly and completely addicted to sabotaging myself. I'm refusing to accept that I'm of mind and the mind is a program that does NOT want to change. I can only influence this process through deprogramming which is physical action as writing so here I am trying to restart my process.

Interesting word  'Influence' (influenza) = insert a virus = genetically alter myself lol

Within my process = daily life I take myself way to serious and I take everything personal as the mind and that will trigger personalities that have relationships with others and it will influence the way others perceive 'me' and my interactions. Most of the time I cannot see this while I'm participating within those relationships because my reactions are so automated. I will myself to breath and observe myself. It's when I have to process a lot of information simultaneously that I often find myself in the middle of a possession unable to stop participating as a certain character. And that's why I have to write this shit out. Writing that shit out means becoming intimate with myself which brings me full circle. It can only be that point. I fear self intimacy. I fear that point. I avoid that point.

More to come