Day-011-The phonetic mantra of bohemian rhapsody's

Who am I within the word fanatic?
Someone made a 'joke' regarding me reciting mantra's phonetically because I was to lazy to learn them. Calling them cellphone calls for quick ascension lol. Indeed my quick ascension never took place. So I probably prevented myself from some sort of (brain)damage by not reciting myself into eternal bliss which is quite a joke in itself.

I have been on a few 'spiritual' endeavors where I found myself completely lost within the Vedic spiritual tradition. Within that I was introduced to the concept of mantra quite early. The Vedic tradition and the east in general has a strong emphasis on mantra and there is a 'good' reason for that. Its a powerful recipe for brainwashing. It's like a neurolinguistic turbo charger and within that application It's used multi purposely for anything. From Nazi propaganda to learning thousands of religious verses to learning math to memorizing extremely long musical patterns etc. etc. You could say that everything you rehearse/repeat within a certain frequency/rhythm is a mantra.

So I ended up legs crossed, fasting, hungry with a teacher that says "Repeat after me":

'nadanada-didanada-nana-dadigidigidumdumdumdum-dagadagadedude-dudedede-dudedede-adedodamdo-dam-etc…

Practical stuff when you are a percussionist who plays with two hands + ten fingers in various settings with no paper to write on. A mind fuck if you recited yourself into an office cubicle/cave with your ass freezing off or your head on the keyboard only to realize that the cave or cubicle is still there after your return from nirvana in the head.

We learn learn shit by repeating (repetition). It's not exceptional to have musical pieces in india that have a 36 up to a 128 bar rhythmic basis. Compare that to a four bar basic disco beat and an alleluia and you get the picture. To state that 'Bohemian rhapsody' is a complex song would make a lot of young musicians in india scratch their heads (although they have a hard time grasping Freddy Mercury when he sings 'to open your eyes and to see that there is no escape from reality' so let's learn from each other here).

The fan in the attic
The spiritual product I bought into belonged to one of the oldest musical traditions in India, rooted in sound and mantra while I come from a tradition of little discipline and do what the fuck you like when you like it. Trying to merge the two cultures proofed to be a challenge. I listened, I tried and tried again and couldn't get the shit down. There I sat looking around humming along with other light seeking beings from the West trying to sound enlightened.

So within that I realize that I actually prevented myself from brainwashing myself to a certain extend by not knowing what the fuck I was chanting about and being to fucking lazy to find out, humming phonetically something that sounded like mantra's. Looking back on it I can only smile seeing how utterly lost I was. As I lay in bed pondering on these points the word phonetic opened up like this:

 i-Phone-Tic-Fan-Attic-Phonetic-Fanatic-The Fan in the attic.

Combining aspects of these words from the dictionary gives me a few interesting perspectives.

- speech sounds
- detailed phonetic information
- symbols and sounds
- phonetic training
- speaking communicating
- excessive and single-minded
- extreme religious or political
- obsessive interest in and enthusiasm for something
- inspired by a god
- possession by a god or demon
- an apparatus with rotating blades that creates a current of air for cooling or ventilation
- a person who has a strong interest in or admiration for a particular sport, art form, or famous person
- space or room just below the roof of a building

So within how I defined this word there is me as the one making a call, praying and searching for information, being a fanatical fan becoming possessed as I spiral out of control where I single-mindedly loose myself within and as religious adoration for things I define as bigger then me. My believes become all I have and form the God-Demon people, friends, lovers, relations I call my personality that I live out to a point of becoming the fanatic constantly as me franticly communicating chaotically while expressing myself creatively, egocentrically and artistically.

Ask anybody who knows me and they will confirm and describe a few of the points mentioned because the points stick out as the spikiness that's me. I'm that bee in the hive and this my behavior. This is the core actor you meet. It's my character the caricature of me as this world It's what I have accepted to become within as the world without.

The picture that came up was also fascinating. I saw a classical fan hanging in the attic at the highest point in the house spraying a thick spiritual fog through the house that made it impossible for me to see where I lived within this physical reality that is my body. That highest point in the house as within chakra psychology representing the seventh chakra on top of the skull and the lowest point being the basement as the tailbone thus my entire body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a fanatical personality and within that become automated, a machine that has to be fanatical within and as everything I do

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realise and understand what it means to slow down and embrace myself as the limitations I create by being fanatical and not allowing myself the experience of being at ease with myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be in relationships in which I would find common ground within the same religious obsessions and fanatical behavior in order to feel accepted and not take responsibility for my own words and deeds

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within being fanatical not give myself the gift of patience and making mistakes in order to experience that failing can be without self judgement and is about falling and standing up to walk the correction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to harm other beings in my world by ignoring my own observations within being and becoming possessed at the cost of others as the fanatic that did not stop until al was destroyed

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realise and understand that by being fanatical I'm always and only operating as ego and within that I will take nothing into consideration and only serve my best interest at the cost of others  always

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the fanatical consumer seeing myself always wanting to have more and within that I always want to have the best things, seeing realizing understanding that within the consumer model there is no 'best thing' because the 'best thing' would be what is best for all instead of what I want.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become fanatic within sports where I tried to compensate my inferiority by amplifying my urge to win realizing and understanding that by participating within the point of winning I was only creating more separation as the winner opposed to the looser.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let fear and paranoia of making mistakes as the male ego become the main motivators for me to move myself in this world thus creating a starting point of stress and anxiety as me as the fanatic striving for perfection and fanatically trying to live up to those self created images seeing realizing and understanding that it is impossible to live up to picture projections and within that I forgive myself for hiding out of fear of making mistakes and to be seen as imperfect

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe perfection exists within me as the mind when only the physical as the flesh can claim any authority within that point for I as the mind can never be more perfect than the physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a fanatical perfectionist within and as the mind as a projection of perfectionism seeing realizing and understanding that perfection as a concept/projection/perception implies I also accept imperfection to exist and within that I see that perfection can only exist as physical action within the best interest of all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that I as the fanatic limited myself by not allowing myself to slow myself down seeing and understanding that my fanatical behavior is often me as the mind trying to understand with the mind what can not be understood by the mind creating friction as energy as mind possessions where I allow myself to become completely fanatic

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react energetically to authority to advertisements and observations, parents, friends, teachers, the educational system, doctors, psychologists, the industry, society, fellow consumers that saw/see me as a fanatic and dysfunctional/sick child having an 'illness' like: adhd, asperger, pdd, authism or whatever label beings have put on me without seeing realizing and understanding that the origin of my behavior existing within and as me as the mind is always an outflow/projection of the world I accepted to exist outside.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fanatically defend my limitations and then switch to bravado to hide behind using my male ego

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a fanatical lover and wanting to be perfect within that point as the lover

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the fanatical partner, hiding within my relationships projecting my own shit on my partners creating more turmoil instead of taking self responsibility and giving to my partners as I would have like to receive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fanatically defend my own believes and become intolerant to other peoples viewpoints or perspectives always skeptical, cynical, questioning, discussing and projecting/defending my own standpoints and if necessary manipulate people within debate in order to come out on top as the winner or at least get the energetic rush of feeling like one.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to loose the ability to listen and respond with common sense limiting myself, excommunicating myself within and as the turbulence as the fan in the attic

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel disgusted with myself within seeing myself existing within and as the horror I create as the fan in the attic, as the fanatic creating turbulence instead of remaining here as breath within every moment

Day-010-Who am I within the word 'intelligent'

What is intelligent? Does intelligence make me better, more valuable, more interesting? Does intelligence bring me down do earth? Does intelligence influence my behavior? Is intelligence a religion. Does it bring me closer to the truth? When am I dumb or intelligent? When I accumulate lots of 'bits' of knowledge and information does that make me intelligent? Can I hide behind the pretence this world is to complex for me to understand so I can remain separated and let separation exist?

intelligent |inˈtelijənt|
adjective
having or showing intelligence, esp. of a high level: Annabelle is intelligent and hardworking 
| an intelligent guess.


• (of a device, machine, or building) able to vary its state or action in response to varying situations, varying requirements, and past experience.


• (esp. of a computer terminal) incorporating a microprocessor and having its own processing capability. Often contrasted with dumb.


DERIVATIVES
intelligently adverb


ORIGIN 
early 16th cent.: from Latin intelligent- ‘understanding,’ from the verb intelligere, variant of intellegere ‘understand,’ from inter ‘between’ + legere ‘choose.’

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to ask the question, who am I within the word intelligence?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word intelligent as positive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word dumb as negative

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my (artificial) intelligence as the automaton as the mind to calculate solely to manipulate the world around me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I can use my intellect as the ability to write myself out in order to reflect upon my words as the expression of who I am within the word intelligent and allow myself to see common sense points within my reality where I misguide and manipulate myself through knowledge and information as intelligence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become impressed, humbled, jealous and possessed hearing people speak with 'intelligence' and intelligent 'vocabulary' assuming that because people speak with authority they have authority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the word intelligent as good

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the word dumb as bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spite the word intelligent within and as the aspect of being successful in this world, not seeing, realizing and understanding that projecting the word intelligence as spitefulness towards success meant separating myself from success

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect making money and becoming rich and independent to intelligence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see intelligence within others as a threat and within that allowed myself to react energetically within and as fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as dumb because I accepted and allowed myself to believe intelligence has something to do with being smart or having 'special' abilities, seeing realizing and understanding that within the system passing tests is about giving the right answers and showing desirable behavior not about understanding and doing what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to loose myself within the energetic charge of playing mind games with so called intelligent beings within the elitist point of feeling superior within a group, seeing realizing and understanding that this very act is separating myself from all as an elitist as knowledge and information as intelligence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within intelligence as strategic information used in order to win personal wars instead of using common sense within and as intelligence to see, realize and understand what I have to do and when to do it to get things done within the best interest of all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to from a standpoint of superiority classify myself as an intelligent and complex person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word intelligent to complexity allowing myself to develop a pattern of always making things unnecessary complex and blurry thus wasting time and not giving myself the opportunity/chance to see and thus act within and as common sense.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to classify myself as a complex person because others classified me as complex thus allowing myself to exist within and as the complex person thus allowing myself to judge others as simple.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe complexity exists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live intelligence as gathering information creating a self defined user manual within my mind to deal with existence not seeing, realizing and understanding that existence as a whole is a pre programmed system based on the same knowledge and information available as lived by the ones before me and within that I realize that knowledge and information is the veil of reality as the mind that I have used in order to not have to face the reality of me as the very creator of such knowledge and information as 'intellect' to make myself be 'more' than the reality that is here, as myself, as the physical. Thus I commit myself to write out who I am as knowledge and information so that I ensure that I go self-forgiving the relationships formed with knowledge and information as 'who I am' and establish myself as the directive principle in every moment, instead of acting out of past patterns of knowledge and information that do not represent who I am here as the moment of breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that I'm limited in awareness as knowledge and information and thus have to question everything that comes up in my mind as intelligence and test this within the equation of equality in order to make sure my thoughts become aligned with what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that intelligence like any other 'program' has no value in itself other than computational power and that it is up to me the user of the computer to determine how to use that 'power'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have valued knowledge and information more than my physical health thus accepting and allowing myself to drain my flesh of the life there is as me as flesh

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within communication use intelligence as knowledge and information to manipulate other beings into a state of confusion by getting under their skin

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within intellectual masturbation/entertainment producing strings of knowledge and information not realizing that what I'm doing is without any substance or practical application within this physical reality thus a complete waste of time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that intelligent means 'to understand' and that within the context of understanding I never understood who 'I' was within 'who I am' as knowledge and information and within that I see realize and understand that there is nothing original within my expression as knowledge and information.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be/become more like other people as knowledge and information not seeing realizing and understanding that 'intelligence' at this points becomes competition as 'manipulation' instead of 'understanding' because if I understand I will see that intelligence means to understand and act within the best interest of all.

I commit myself to use my intellect to expose myself as what I have accepted and allowed to become as intelligence as the mind as my personality and behavior

Day-009-Can I have some privacy?

At home realizing that although I'm alone I'm also part of a group and within that I see myself in my kitchen alone 'wanting/claiming/having my privacy'. I'm walking trough the house naked wondering what I would do if I would not be alone right now?

Would I behave differently? Would I take on a different personality. From that perspective what is 'privacy' more than claiming a space for myself away/separated from 'the rest'? An exclusive form of separation by creating the luxury article of privacy for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act like a junkie thinking I can escape the horrors of reality by having a moment for myself, a moment of privacy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that there is no escape from reality within and as privacy, seeing realizing and understanding that there is no privacy within birth, illness and death thus my privacy is my participation within and projection of me unto this world as the creator of privacy as separation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that by living privacy I separate myself from the rest as a private not sharing myself my emotions, feelings, insights and realizations thus excluding/separating myself from the rest by wanting more than others as privacy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize see and understand that when I claim/occupy a (private) space I take space instead of give space.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my feelings of shame, frustration, anger and guilt for not living the realization that keeping something for myself as privacy is steeling from the rest and within that context I see I have never given as I would have liked to receive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for myself when others got something and I did not, realizing and understanding that I have never given the way I would have liked to receive because I always wanted my own private part within and as victory, to 'take' the win no matter what by manipulating everything and everyone within and as my kingdom of privacy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take on private personalities within and as privacy realizing seeing and understanding that by doing so I allow myself to create multiple separated personalities as different levels of privacy I project unto or believe to exist within this world and by doing so create points of separation between myself and reality as these private personalities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing privacy to exist within and as me, becoming the dictator of my own privacy as the creator of separation within this world as the gap between those that can build walls to separate themselves from those unable to escape the horrors of daily reality within this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have the right to privacy as the right to not be disturbed, not seeing realizing and understanding that it is me as my mind that is wanting the exclusive right to manipulate me within the seclusion of my privacy, seeing and understanding that within this point 'my' privacy becomes my own bribery.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that within the point of privacy I have the right to do what I want when I want it, seeing realizing and understanding that what I allow to happen is a full on ego-trip at the cost of others where I choose to replace reality with 'my privacy'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that the concept of privacy is an addiction to self interest where I choose to distract myself and avoid the rawness of me within and as the creator of privacy as separation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that no matter how high I build the walls of privacy around me, the certainty of reality will always be on the other side showing me how I separated myself within and as privacy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to escape reality and seclude myself within and as privacy where I claim the right for me to see only as I want at the cost of all others. Lost within an ego-trip where I can see and do all things my way.

I commit myself to correct myself within these moments of self defeat and stop whining about my right to privacy seeing, realizing and understanding that it's me wanting to close my eyes and not take responsibility for what I have created in this world through participating within privacy.

I commit myself to investigate, identify, expose within and as myself the constructs of privacy where I accept and allow myself to go private, seeing realizing and understanding that through exposing my points of privacy I expose within me the points of not taking self responsibility for the fact I am part of a group.