Day-011-The phonetic mantra of bohemian rhapsody's

Who am I within the word fanatic?
Someone made a 'joke' regarding me reciting mantra's phonetically because I was to lazy to learn them. Calling them cellphone calls for quick ascension lol. Indeed my quick ascension never took place. So I probably prevented myself from some sort of (brain)damage by not reciting myself into eternal bliss which is quite a joke in itself.

I have been on a few 'spiritual' endeavors where I found myself completely lost within the Vedic spiritual tradition. Within that I was introduced to the concept of mantra quite early. The Vedic tradition and the east in general has a strong emphasis on mantra and there is a 'good' reason for that. Its a powerful recipe for brainwashing. It's like a neurolinguistic turbo charger and within that application It's used multi purposely for anything. From Nazi propaganda to learning thousands of religious verses to learning math to memorizing extremely long musical patterns etc. etc. You could say that everything you rehearse/repeat within a certain frequency/rhythm is a mantra.

So I ended up legs crossed, fasting, hungry with a teacher that says "Repeat after me":

'nadanada-didanada-nana-dadigidigidumdumdumdum-dagadagadedude-dudedede-dudedede-adedodamdo-dam-etc…

Practical stuff when you are a percussionist who plays with two hands + ten fingers in various settings with no paper to write on. A mind fuck if you recited yourself into an office cubicle/cave with your ass freezing off or your head on the keyboard only to realize that the cave or cubicle is still there after your return from nirvana in the head.

We learn learn shit by repeating (repetition). It's not exceptional to have musical pieces in india that have a 36 up to a 128 bar rhythmic basis. Compare that to a four bar basic disco beat and an alleluia and you get the picture. To state that 'Bohemian rhapsody' is a complex song would make a lot of young musicians in india scratch their heads (although they have a hard time grasping Freddy Mercury when he sings 'to open your eyes and to see that there is no escape from reality' so let's learn from each other here).

The fan in the attic
The spiritual product I bought into belonged to one of the oldest musical traditions in India, rooted in sound and mantra while I come from a tradition of little discipline and do what the fuck you like when you like it. Trying to merge the two cultures proofed to be a challenge. I listened, I tried and tried again and couldn't get the shit down. There I sat looking around humming along with other light seeking beings from the West trying to sound enlightened.

So within that I realize that I actually prevented myself from brainwashing myself to a certain extend by not knowing what the fuck I was chanting about and being to fucking lazy to find out, humming phonetically something that sounded like mantra's. Looking back on it I can only smile seeing how utterly lost I was. As I lay in bed pondering on these points the word phonetic opened up like this:

 i-Phone-Tic-Fan-Attic-Phonetic-Fanatic-The Fan in the attic.

Combining aspects of these words from the dictionary gives me a few interesting perspectives.

- speech sounds
- detailed phonetic information
- symbols and sounds
- phonetic training
- speaking communicating
- excessive and single-minded
- extreme religious or political
- obsessive interest in and enthusiasm for something
- inspired by a god
- possession by a god or demon
- an apparatus with rotating blades that creates a current of air for cooling or ventilation
- a person who has a strong interest in or admiration for a particular sport, art form, or famous person
- space or room just below the roof of a building

So within how I defined this word there is me as the one making a call, praying and searching for information, being a fanatical fan becoming possessed as I spiral out of control where I single-mindedly loose myself within and as religious adoration for things I define as bigger then me. My believes become all I have and form the God-Demon people, friends, lovers, relations I call my personality that I live out to a point of becoming the fanatic constantly as me franticly communicating chaotically while expressing myself creatively, egocentrically and artistically.

Ask anybody who knows me and they will confirm and describe a few of the points mentioned because the points stick out as the spikiness that's me. I'm that bee in the hive and this my behavior. This is the core actor you meet. It's my character the caricature of me as this world It's what I have accepted to become within as the world without.

The picture that came up was also fascinating. I saw a classical fan hanging in the attic at the highest point in the house spraying a thick spiritual fog through the house that made it impossible for me to see where I lived within this physical reality that is my body. That highest point in the house as within chakra psychology representing the seventh chakra on top of the skull and the lowest point being the basement as the tailbone thus my entire body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a fanatical personality and within that become automated, a machine that has to be fanatical within and as everything I do

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realise and understand what it means to slow down and embrace myself as the limitations I create by being fanatical and not allowing myself the experience of being at ease with myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be in relationships in which I would find common ground within the same religious obsessions and fanatical behavior in order to feel accepted and not take responsibility for my own words and deeds

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within being fanatical not give myself the gift of patience and making mistakes in order to experience that failing can be without self judgement and is about falling and standing up to walk the correction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to harm other beings in my world by ignoring my own observations within being and becoming possessed at the cost of others as the fanatic that did not stop until al was destroyed

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realise and understand that by being fanatical I'm always and only operating as ego and within that I will take nothing into consideration and only serve my best interest at the cost of others  always

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the fanatical consumer seeing myself always wanting to have more and within that I always want to have the best things, seeing realizing understanding that within the consumer model there is no 'best thing' because the 'best thing' would be what is best for all instead of what I want.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become fanatic within sports where I tried to compensate my inferiority by amplifying my urge to win realizing and understanding that by participating within the point of winning I was only creating more separation as the winner opposed to the looser.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let fear and paranoia of making mistakes as the male ego become the main motivators for me to move myself in this world thus creating a starting point of stress and anxiety as me as the fanatic striving for perfection and fanatically trying to live up to those self created images seeing realizing and understanding that it is impossible to live up to picture projections and within that I forgive myself for hiding out of fear of making mistakes and to be seen as imperfect

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe perfection exists within me as the mind when only the physical as the flesh can claim any authority within that point for I as the mind can never be more perfect than the physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a fanatical perfectionist within and as the mind as a projection of perfectionism seeing realizing and understanding that perfection as a concept/projection/perception implies I also accept imperfection to exist and within that I see that perfection can only exist as physical action within the best interest of all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that I as the fanatic limited myself by not allowing myself to slow myself down seeing and understanding that my fanatical behavior is often me as the mind trying to understand with the mind what can not be understood by the mind creating friction as energy as mind possessions where I allow myself to become completely fanatic

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react energetically to authority to advertisements and observations, parents, friends, teachers, the educational system, doctors, psychologists, the industry, society, fellow consumers that saw/see me as a fanatic and dysfunctional/sick child having an 'illness' like: adhd, asperger, pdd, authism or whatever label beings have put on me without seeing realizing and understanding that the origin of my behavior existing within and as me as the mind is always an outflow/projection of the world I accepted to exist outside.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fanatically defend my limitations and then switch to bravado to hide behind using my male ego

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a fanatical lover and wanting to be perfect within that point as the lover

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the fanatical partner, hiding within my relationships projecting my own shit on my partners creating more turmoil instead of taking self responsibility and giving to my partners as I would have like to receive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fanatically defend my own believes and become intolerant to other peoples viewpoints or perspectives always skeptical, cynical, questioning, discussing and projecting/defending my own standpoints and if necessary manipulate people within debate in order to come out on top as the winner or at least get the energetic rush of feeling like one.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to loose the ability to listen and respond with common sense limiting myself, excommunicating myself within and as the turbulence as the fan in the attic

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel disgusted with myself within seeing myself existing within and as the horror I create as the fan in the attic, as the fanatic creating turbulence instead of remaining here as breath within every moment

2012 are you chosen?

12 21 12, 2012, 21 december 12, dec 12 2012, december 12 2011, december 12 doomsday, december 21 2012.

What's The Frequency Kenneth?
What do others say about 2012? What does the bible say about 2012? What can I say about 2012? As far as I’m concerned 2012 is one year. A point in space and time. A fraction of space-time. Funny, the Germans call the universe ‘Weltall’. The world and all. The dutch say ‘Heelal’-Heal all-Hell-all-All hell. English is interesting too, ‘Universe’. Uni-verse! Lot’s of universal verses. Interesting. I ‘prefer’ the German definition ‘Welt-all’. Kind of includes everything.

Losing My Religion
There are a few among us that believe the world is coming to an end. That’s a bit out of the ‘ordinary’. I calm myself knowing that my world will end every night when I close my eyes and go to sleep. Where am I when I sleep? And where am I when I wake up? As long as I can remember my world ended every night and was there again the next morning. How is that for strange?

Shiny happy people
I’m in the process of stopping my mind for little more than a year. Someone asked me if it made me happy? Is it 'working'? Does it 'help' me? Does it 'make' me a 'better' person? In other words what do I get in return for my efforts or investments. Yes, the shit runs deep. Happiness, the second largest religion in the world.

A lot of things changed for me in 2012. A lot of things stayed firmly in place. This process is absolutely not what I expected it to be and it's not a cheery, joyful experience so far. It's a nightmare to wake up too oneself within this world. It’s an experience however and that means there are things I can share that could benefit others who are having trouble with the current outflow of events as we enter 2012. Yeah, that biblical event where time is supposed to end and the chosen ones go to heaven to drink champaign. Duh, I thought we where all born in sinn. So everybody stays here. No jumping in front of the train now, we are all going to be in this shit together. We are all future neighbours. What did Jezus say again?

Wall Of Death 
I’m 43 and kids start to call me an old man. Being an old man comes with a few issues. So when I started this process of stopping my mind those 'old man' issues became quite prominent. What the fuck did I do all those years. Where the fuck was I? What the fuck was I thinking? What the fuck? This whole process started with one simple question someone asked me. "Where are you?" Investigating myself started with that simple point of being-here. W-here is the being? I couldn’t answer that question and from that moment on my life has changed dramatically. Changing myself is much harder than my mind makes me think because my mind doesn’t want me to change. My DNA likes to have things running according to plan. That's the 'hard-bit'.

One point I begin to see in more detail is the personality I have developed over time. And it’s interesting because this morning I remembered that a teacher teased me by calling me a donkey in school so the kids started to call me that as well. ‘Donkey’ because I probably fucked up a lot in primary school (apparently donkeys do that). Being called a donkey as a child was not a nice experience and it was one of those experiences where I became aware of myself as different from the point of inferiority.

It’s all quite funny because from the current perspective as what I have become as a personality the comparison to a donkey makes total sense. I accepted and allowed myself to become a stubborn, noisy and sedentary persona. Try to get me from my place against my will and all hell brakes loose and just like an old donkey, I’m good at carrying a load and look pitiful doing so.

Automatic For The People
One of the first things I became aware of after I started this blog where my habits. My whole being and I mean everything of me consisting of these patterns merging into my behavior as me as this personality or persona as you will. Having a specific preference for every little thing I do, think or feel. From the way I drink my coffee up to the way I wipe my ass. I started to see that the oldest habits I have are also the most fossilized. There is no real me. It’s all constructed in real time like a wireframe pixar movie. Reading the Desteni material made me realize that I was only defining myself through words, emotions and feelings that come straight from my surroundings. I'm not those fucking words am I? Here! I am starting to observe myself as my own prisoner within what I think feel or say. I'm fucking screwed by creation. WTF! Yes this kind of shit is shocking and I got really fucking angry. At first I was only aware of my so called ‘bad habits’. A complete morality fuckup. Bad habits are also habits so let's start from scratch here.

The One I Love 
Smoking followed by smoking weed are my oldest habits. So if I wanted to really push and test myself those where the key areas to start breaking my habits. I stopped smoking weed almost a year ago. I smoked weed for more than 20 years. I quit smoking about 7 weeks ago. I started smoking when I was about sixteen so that makes smoking a 27 year old daily habit. The strange thing with stopping is that it’s not hard at all. You just stop and that’s it. The hard part is the hard-bit, the habit. It’s simple and at the same time unexplainable up to the point I just freak out, lock up or start to fuck with myself (which happens frequently). It’s like stopping programs that keep rebooting themselves again and again. A very annoying process but I cant blame or be angry with the programs. I wrote them myself meaning I'm responsible. That’s how I see it. Dissolving the after effects of stopping is a different chapter that has to do with taking self-responsibility and guilt. More on that as I go along and overcome points of shame and embarrassment while sharing my life here.


Everybody Hurts 
Now stopping addictions sounds simple. What makes it hard? The moment I stop one habit (robot-program-system-mechanism) the whole carefully built production-line starts to protest and make noise. So that one habit is always connected to another habit or point. Habits have really big families! It’s fascinating and painful at the same time. For me stopping those habits felt like relationships that ended. In fact that's exactly what it is. How I relate to things are relationships. I had a relationship with weed. I was in love with it. She eased my pain. She was always there. Never complained. Made me laugh. Satisfied my needs. Told me not to worry and that I was okay. She made me feel so good and also sick sometimes. And yes I broke up with her for good and that hurt like hell. Everything started to shift and tilt. That whole point with me attached to it has to be repositioned. Just like all those other relationships. It’s mental as well as physical up to this day.

The saying “you need backbone to stand to a decision” That’s the physical point I’m most aware of. My spine. It has not stopped moving since I started this process. At the moment it’s very painful. The whole thing is pulling me in all directions and I'm very tired because of it.

Turn You Inside-Out
Stopping weed and smoking shows me another perspective that’s fascinating. I’m not judging my smoking or weed consumption anymore. The substance is not the point. ‘What’s in it for me?’ that’s the starting point. It’s that. If I want to know why I smoke I just look at the effect smoking has on me and why. My habits are handlebars, hiding places, escape hatches, social credit cards, ice breakers, common ground, stability points to survive as this persona I have become. A persona that has become almost to demented and automated too change. I’m within a world system that functions exactly the same. Braking my habits makes me feel 'the rupture' in the fabric that connects me to the system. That's my end of the world. What can I say, It’s as painful as it is fascinating to see what I made of myself. It’s also pretty scary at times. The only realization that calms me down is the realization that no matter how bad the nightmare, reality will be worse.

Stand
Applying the Desteni material  is not a walk in the park. Desteni is not a gathering of people padding each other on the back for being ‘good citizens’. Exposing the true nature of oneself and each-other is a confronting and sometimes painful process. There is a lot of resistance within me because of that. Sometimes it seems impossible to move, that's where 2012 comes in. The more people move the easier it gets. Humanity doesn’t like Destonians because they are everything the world is not at the moment. Why is it so hard for me to stand with and as a principle of oneness and equality. To do whatever it takes to bring life back to this earth?

Because it requires changing myself as the physical. With physical proof showing you that even old men can stop shit and that change is possible. We don’t need hope, we change through changing and that takes fucking time and effort. Move with us and support an equal money system.

Desteni is the only group of people in the world I see that take life seriously enough to take everything into consideration. The only way we can change this world is by changing ourselves one by one until all = one. Equal money is the tool to get this done. Time is ticking. Will I break the habit that is me? Will I be here eventually?

The deadliest bullet ever made

12 21 12, 2012, 21 december 12, dec 12 2012, deceber 12 2011, december 12 doomsday, december 21 2012.

I came across this picture and it stopped me in my tracks. What a fascinating picture it is. Who is that rich man? Does he have a name? How did he get rich? Why is he fighting a war? What are his mission objectives? Who is he paying? What party’s are involved and do they have rules of engagement? Is it a dirty war? A clean war? What’s in it for him? Does it fucking matter?

If I where a rich man?
Men that experienced the horrors of war realising that they where killing for money. A demonstration and a claim that says “we won't fight a another rich man’s war”. Which means they already did. So there you go. It’s already done. You killed in order not to be killed for money. Why not refuse before you go and kill for money? Be it in the name of God, country, turf or home. What makes people kill other people for money? Money apparently! So is it the rich man or his money?

There have been demonstrations fore/or against every thinkable subject. Did something change? And if something changed was it best for all? After the war, did some group get special benefits at the cost of other groups giving them a reason to go demonstrate? It’s like a never ending chain of events that creates reasons to demonstrate and go to war. It’s painfully pathetic and it’s us!

Serving the God of war
We are created in the image and likeness of God. We are the creators. Why didn’t we create peace I ask? What’s going on here? Or is God perhaps that rich man? If we are created in the image and likeness of him than he sure loves making money and killing a few innocent in the process. If there is one demonstration that shows us who we are it’s the demonstration of war. It’s seems to be the only thing we really know how to do well. Fighting wars seems to be the only thing we all love to do. Cowboys and indians. Bang-Bang.. You're dead.

Do you know what powers rule this world? Do you know what really fuels the acts of war? Have you ever asked yourself those questions before you wrote a claim and walked up to the White House and occupied the boardwalk. Making claims in front of the media. It's exactly what they want. Ha, the media... They love a 'good' war don’t they...

Brothers in arms
This is an interesting photo in more ways than one. It shows me the absolute state of stupidity in which we as the human race exist at the moment. How much do I have to pay you to stand up for a world where we are all equal? If I’m not in it to win it than fuck it. Really want to know what fuels the wars in this world? Do you really? It’s about Private wars. It’s about you and me. It’s love thy neighbour as thy self. Do we? War exists because we allow it to exist. All of us. It’s the concept of winning. To profit at the cost of others. It’s me being more than you. My people instead of all people. It’s Ego.

Private war
It’s my Ego and his private war that fuel the global ones. Me and you both fighting for survival instead of standing up as one and equal. No, we rather meet somewhere in the world as competitors on the battlefield. See how stupid it is. Occupy my street, wall street, whatever street. Absolute nonsense. As long as money isn’t equal, you and me are not equal and there will be war. Lot’s of wars, big ones, small ones until we realise who we have become. Is that the way I wanna go? Shot by a bullet for profit or standing as what’s best for all?

The solution
So It’s you and me that decide what is going to happen. It’s us that have to stand up and stick to a principle in order to become living examples that show there is another way. I change in order to be change. A real demonstration is a demonstration of personal change as who I am standing up as change within a world that has to change. I dare you to ask questions. I dare you to look at Equal Money. It will make you pee your pans.

Do we go to war and rape each-other or are we going to give in order to receive?

http://equalmoney.org/

The burning Daredevil

As a child, being one of the ‘dreamers’ in the classroom made me part of the small group of ‘different ones’. You know, the children that are mostly last in line when the soccer players are selected. Not that I liked playing soccer in the first place but you know what I mean.

As years past by I adapted this ‘being different’ as my personality. I mean it’s what was reflected back to me all the time so that’s kind of how I shaped my personality. My parents ‘lovingly’ reassured me that that I was ok and that there was ‘not much’ wrong with me. Which was great to hear but it didn’t change the course of events that followed and became ‘my life’.

I got into increasingly more trouble with my surroundings and started to move away from what was ‘socially’ accepted. I mean remove yourself from any given structure you are part of and you are on your own. That’s looking at it from my current perspective but at the time I was developing a personality which makes it a bit more complicated. So what became of that little boy I called me at the time?

Well there was a lot of frustration and anger because I didn’t feel accepted and there was my developing body that got stronger. I was a very ‘physical’ child, aware of what I could do with my body and I loved to experiment with it. So without being really aware of it I was always playing around with my ‘physical’ abilities and just looking how far I could push myself. At times this was pretty far compared to other children and sometimes I noticed that other kids would kind of be hypnotized by what I was doing. Grown ups started calling me a ‘daredevil’. I kind of thought it was a compliment although I didn’t understand the meaning of the word.

What’s a daredevil?

daredevil |ˈde(ə)rˌdevəl|
a reckless person who enjoys doing dangerous things.
adjective [ attrib. ] reckless and daring.

reckless |ˈrekləs|
Adjective (of a person or their actions) without thinking or caring about the consequences of an action
ORIGIN Old English reccelēas, from the Germanic base (meaning [care] ) of reck .

daring |ˈde(ə)ri ng |
(of a person or action) adventurous or audaciously bold : a daring crime.
• boldly unconventional: : a pretty girl in daring clothes.
adventurous courage : the zeal and daring of climbers.

ORIGIN Old English durran, of Germanic origin; related to Gothic gadaursan, from an Indo-European root shared by Greek tharsein and Sanskrit dhṛṣ- ‘be bold.’

Anger
By definition I was a reckless child and around that time I had a little bike I would drive around the neighborhood making engine noises as I drove a long with my tongue hanging out. This could be considered normal because that's what most boys do at that age. But whenever I was frustrated or angry I would find myself on my little bike driving around like a lunatic. Al my anger and frustration was pumped into my pedals and pulling the handlebars. Sometimes I would visualize pulling the whole bike into pieces. I was often that angry (energetically charged). A side effect of me doing this shit regularly every time I had to ‘release’ was that I got really fast on my little bike. Then BMX hit the scene back in the eighties and I was ‘hooked’. In school though, I was still this insecure inverted inside out kid with poor social skills that didn’t understand group dynamics and was looked upon as ‘the daredevil’.

Thus ‘I’ became Daredevil? my alter ego, my other self. And as time went by I completely accepted that persona in word and deed. Al my insecurity was replaced by bravura. Interesting that within the definition of a daredevil there is: ‘without thinking or caring about the consequences of an action’. My personality became a blown balloon full of lunacy, anti authority, non conformism, theater, drama etc. An insecure mister knowitall hiding behind larger than life stories. The outcome from my present perspective was predictable.

So my skill set was far from what’s preferable in a rigid corporate system you are supposed to embrace as you grow up or into. On top of that, coming from a social left wing family background money was a dirty word in the first place. Yes you always end up walking the path of your predecessors until that first self-honest question is answered. Who the fuck am ‘I’ really?

I despised (financial) successful people and money out of inferiority. Why? Because those people had all the characteristics of the kids that did good in school. Kids that where able to adapt into the system with great ease. Learning the tricks of the trade and do the trading. Now it makes a whole lot of sense to me that what I despise will not come to me. This is exactly what happened in my life. Complaining about the lack of ‘resources’ and at the same time spiting them. That’s not a recipe for success is it. You can be a daredevil in this system but make sure you are head of a bank or a corporation first.

Being that daredevil upside down in a tree is looking at myself through a veil of perceptions. Replacing that veil with a mirror would have reflected the inner demon of my self accepted ego that fucked me time after time. It trapped me into that perceived persona of the daredevil. As a result I have lived limitation al my life only because I accepted and allowed myself to be what was reflected instead of looking what was really there. Such stupidity. Now standing up from this and walking back the manifested consequences is the story unfolding. It’s the toughest most painful thing I ever did and at the same time the most rewarding and soothing because I’m bringing myself back to me.

Daredevilism is a set of skills applied to a certain set of physical challenges that have no real application other than entertainment and satisfaction of the ego of the daredevil in question. The Daredevil can only transform by altering the starting point and definitions regarding ‘him-self’ as the Daredevil. This can only be done with the support and reflection of people doing the same thing otherwise he would walk blinded into the next self created stunt or disaster.

There is a Daredevil in all of us. Investigate and you’l be amazed by what we create in this reality we call ourselves. My journey with Desteni so far made everything I did as a daredevil look pathetic. Seeing myself in self honesty took more courage then anything I ever did in my life. It's like being Evil Knievel stuck in his own burning tunnel burning to death.

My Daredevil ego goes wild when it get's no attention. Often I look away for a second which is enough to let it fuck me up completely. That’s where the real challenge of self-honesty begins for me. No rewards for my ego. Time after time again. Every day, every second and every breath until it’s done.