Day-020-Fear of success

This is a follow up to:
Day-018-Save me and then leave me alone

Yesterday I wrote amongst other things about an observation regarding self sabotage and that i'm actually addicted to sabotaging myself. What does that addiction look like and how does it manifest? What I see is that I feel safe as the victim that is dependent on others. This is creating a winning character as competitiveness where I present myself to others as the positive polarity of the 'winner-looser construct' because I don't want to be seen as a victim by others.

Within this i'm becoming aware of this construct where I refuse to see and accept that I'm of mind and as the the mind I am programmed to run the program. A program that does NOT want to change. Manifesting myself as more special than others and thus able to change as the mind.

I see and realize that this in impossible because the mind is who I am at any given moment. Within this construct I can only keep falling and have looped repeatedly always coming to the exact same point where I have to simply start applying myself. Meaning get to know myself and how I ended up in these versions of myself. Not transcending this point means 'progress' will grind to a halt.

I see that when the moment comes to apply myself it get's tricky. It's like I cannot help myself. What I see is that this is the point where I as the mind meet the physical. It's at this point where I meet all I have created. This is where I become unstable and allow myself to fall instead of stand. In al cases it's the same point. When I have to sit with myself and write I will accept my own excuses and do something else instead. Within that I fuck with myself extensively by doing things that are 'non recreational'. I then find myself cleaning something or repairing something. The excuse being that this has to be done first. It's willingly fucking myself by bending my priorities instead of getting them straight.

Mostly I find myself doing physical stuff in order to escape the 'painful' confrontation with who I am and have become in that given moment of self sabotage. The resistance is huge because I allow myself to fear the shear extend of my own fuckup and thus allow myself as the 'giving up character' to take over. I see where it comes from and that it has to do with family structures and that I never learned to stand on my own two feet in this point. Within this construct I was always 'taken care of'. Growing up I never had to worry about taking responsibility and eventually that's what I accepted and allowed to become = 'irresponsible'.

Walking part of my process with someone who offered support and did not have this background allowed me to see and experience other perspectives and ways of looking at myself. However the painful process of exposing myself and sharing myself as that point with another person meant walking into relationship points as well. It did not make it easier but it did speed up the process of getting to the raw experience of myself within these points of sabotaging myself.

It also allowed me to see that although suppressed I was and still am hugely intimidated by successful people. Meaning people with the capability to transcend the point of what I would call or more appropriate judge as defeat. I see and observe within me that overtime everything has become a contest. Which in itself is not strange because I had to adapt to this reality which is in all ways 'a contest'. I have seen that point very early but instead of becoming a good player familiar with the game I allowed myself to swim against the current. I started to judge success and react towards the system instead of working with it as a tool. Within this I'm a product of my education I see that and that that is not the point. The point is taking self responsibility within seeing what is necessary to change myself and then not doing so which is 'self-sabotage' and (not) acting out of fear.

Here is fear of change. Fear of a future unknown. Remaining on that small ledge of knowledge and information instead of climbing and see where that will take me. I can see what I do, it's the not doing where I fuck up. I must credit myself for at least picking myself up and start moving again two years ago. Now the point is reached where there is nothing left but to walk process as what is required to do. I see that. I have no excuses left. I have heard them all. I tried it all. And still I allow myself to sabotage myself.

I identify this pattern as self sabotage. I see it throughout my life I have adapted this pattern of never wanting to take full responsibility or go all the way professionally thus never be in full control of a given situation and within that the risk of 'loosing it all'. Thus (voluntarily) always am and expect myself to be 'second best'. I place myself as the looser before trying to find out what it is like to win.

It's that point where I never allowed myself to walk 'real' success all the way thus ending up in the polarity point which is failure. Put simply, I created the construct of 'too scared to even try so fuck up and pretend the failure is not my fault'. On top of that let somebody else clean up the mess for me'. The 'most painful point being that I'm aware of myself doing it. That's the 'shame' point. That shame is BIG.

I'm the giver of this word sabotage and within this I accept and allow myself to create 'failure' because I don't allow myself to create success by taking responsibility for all of me thus I allow myself to exist within the polarity of irresponsibility out of fear of the future thus creating frustration, shame, guilt.

Those are the primary emotions I experience within this construct. I feel save as the main characters, the irresponsible clown, punk, underdog, anarchist, rebel because that is still me. Everything else is unknown territory, the unknown. Don't wanna go there. Rather find excuses why I never did instead of failing while trying. I'm a looser baby hahaha-boehoo-hooo.


http://desteni.org/
http://desteniiprocess.com/
http://eqafe.com/
http://destonians.com/

The burning Daredevil

As a child, being one of the ‘dreamers’ in the classroom made me part of the small group of ‘different ones’. You know, the children that are mostly last in line when the soccer players are selected. Not that I liked playing soccer in the first place but you know what I mean.

As years past by I adapted this ‘being different’ as my personality. I mean it’s what was reflected back to me all the time so that’s kind of how I shaped my personality. My parents ‘lovingly’ reassured me that that I was ok and that there was ‘not much’ wrong with me. Which was great to hear but it didn’t change the course of events that followed and became ‘my life’.

I got into increasingly more trouble with my surroundings and started to move away from what was ‘socially’ accepted. I mean remove yourself from any given structure you are part of and you are on your own. That’s looking at it from my current perspective but at the time I was developing a personality which makes it a bit more complicated. So what became of that little boy I called me at the time?

Well there was a lot of frustration and anger because I didn’t feel accepted and there was my developing body that got stronger. I was a very ‘physical’ child, aware of what I could do with my body and I loved to experiment with it. So without being really aware of it I was always playing around with my ‘physical’ abilities and just looking how far I could push myself. At times this was pretty far compared to other children and sometimes I noticed that other kids would kind of be hypnotized by what I was doing. Grown ups started calling me a ‘daredevil’. I kind of thought it was a compliment although I didn’t understand the meaning of the word.

What’s a daredevil?

daredevil |ˈde(ə)rˌdevəl|
a reckless person who enjoys doing dangerous things.
adjective [ attrib. ] reckless and daring.

reckless |ˈrekləs|
Adjective (of a person or their actions) without thinking or caring about the consequences of an action
ORIGIN Old English reccelēas, from the Germanic base (meaning [care] ) of reck .

daring |ˈde(ə)ri ng |
(of a person or action) adventurous or audaciously bold : a daring crime.
• boldly unconventional: : a pretty girl in daring clothes.
adventurous courage : the zeal and daring of climbers.

ORIGIN Old English durran, of Germanic origin; related to Gothic gadaursan, from an Indo-European root shared by Greek tharsein and Sanskrit dhṛṣ- ‘be bold.’

Anger
By definition I was a reckless child and around that time I had a little bike I would drive around the neighborhood making engine noises as I drove a long with my tongue hanging out. This could be considered normal because that's what most boys do at that age. But whenever I was frustrated or angry I would find myself on my little bike driving around like a lunatic. Al my anger and frustration was pumped into my pedals and pulling the handlebars. Sometimes I would visualize pulling the whole bike into pieces. I was often that angry (energetically charged). A side effect of me doing this shit regularly every time I had to ‘release’ was that I got really fast on my little bike. Then BMX hit the scene back in the eighties and I was ‘hooked’. In school though, I was still this insecure inverted inside out kid with poor social skills that didn’t understand group dynamics and was looked upon as ‘the daredevil’.

Thus ‘I’ became Daredevil? my alter ego, my other self. And as time went by I completely accepted that persona in word and deed. Al my insecurity was replaced by bravura. Interesting that within the definition of a daredevil there is: ‘without thinking or caring about the consequences of an action’. My personality became a blown balloon full of lunacy, anti authority, non conformism, theater, drama etc. An insecure mister knowitall hiding behind larger than life stories. The outcome from my present perspective was predictable.

So my skill set was far from what’s preferable in a rigid corporate system you are supposed to embrace as you grow up or into. On top of that, coming from a social left wing family background money was a dirty word in the first place. Yes you always end up walking the path of your predecessors until that first self-honest question is answered. Who the fuck am ‘I’ really?

I despised (financial) successful people and money out of inferiority. Why? Because those people had all the characteristics of the kids that did good in school. Kids that where able to adapt into the system with great ease. Learning the tricks of the trade and do the trading. Now it makes a whole lot of sense to me that what I despise will not come to me. This is exactly what happened in my life. Complaining about the lack of ‘resources’ and at the same time spiting them. That’s not a recipe for success is it. You can be a daredevil in this system but make sure you are head of a bank or a corporation first.

Being that daredevil upside down in a tree is looking at myself through a veil of perceptions. Replacing that veil with a mirror would have reflected the inner demon of my self accepted ego that fucked me time after time. It trapped me into that perceived persona of the daredevil. As a result I have lived limitation al my life only because I accepted and allowed myself to be what was reflected instead of looking what was really there. Such stupidity. Now standing up from this and walking back the manifested consequences is the story unfolding. It’s the toughest most painful thing I ever did and at the same time the most rewarding and soothing because I’m bringing myself back to me.

Daredevilism is a set of skills applied to a certain set of physical challenges that have no real application other than entertainment and satisfaction of the ego of the daredevil in question. The Daredevil can only transform by altering the starting point and definitions regarding ‘him-self’ as the Daredevil. This can only be done with the support and reflection of people doing the same thing otherwise he would walk blinded into the next self created stunt or disaster.

There is a Daredevil in all of us. Investigate and you’l be amazed by what we create in this reality we call ourselves. My journey with Desteni so far made everything I did as a daredevil look pathetic. Seeing myself in self honesty took more courage then anything I ever did in my life. It's like being Evil Knievel stuck in his own burning tunnel burning to death.

My Daredevil ego goes wild when it get's no attention. Often I look away for a second which is enough to let it fuck me up completely. That’s where the real challenge of self-honesty begins for me. No rewards for my ego. Time after time again. Every day, every second and every breath until it’s done.