The big illusion of love.

24 11 2010
“It’s like someone is camping in your head”

J was right. “I will fall”. And I fell. There was no escaping it. Had to face it all. And it all had to come back. Point after point. I see an image of a woman, turns into s*x. Then my mind starts to amplify things even adding more images to the orgy. Same with weed. It’s like looking at my myself as the dumbest f*ck I’ve ever seen. And this is where I judge myself very heavily. Everything gets judged and I lock myself up. So there it is. Women, relationships, s*x, fetish, masturbation and addiction. A single picture is enough to reset the whole thing. Back to zero. I can say I was able to surpress my addictions for a certain amount of time, Hura. Being selfhonest about and transforming them is a different story. I came nowhere near confronting myself as self in this matter. Didn’t write so it was all in the head, big mindfuck. Got sick and scared of myself. This urge to be with someone. To escape into this nightmare of love and cosiness.

It feels like I’m being watched. And that would be me watching at the same time. Mister knowitall judging away at himself. Completely lost, empty and scared. Looking at what I have become. A dreamy human being especially in my actions. And this brings so much shame and guild. I know I have a choice but I also know that this choice has to be made over and over again. Into infinity untill I stand. The thoughts I have about this continuous confrontation with myself often triggers a flight-attack and that is where my addiction points and myself meet. That is where mister knowitall has to become mister doitall. J is right I’m slow very slow. I’m really scared because of what is happening to me right now. Never felt so alone and lost at the same time. No structure, no motivation and a lot of self judgement. I must accept that I’m not this hyper talking boy, I’m just as scared as the rest of us. When it comes to selfhonesty? I wouldn’t know where to start. I’m a human robot with an extremely fucked up operating system. At least I'm sure of that.

Illusion

So I must forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get addicted to pictures in this world
that I have accepted and allowed myself to Identify and program myself according to these pictures
that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my own pictures in the physical.
that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the pictures more important than reality.
that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my-self-abuse
that I have accepted and allowed myself to blaim myself for being a coward in facing myself as self
that I have accepted and allowed myself to have lack of discipline.
that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop being really intimate with myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop being honest
that I have accepted and allowed myself to make up story’s to present a better ‘picture’ of myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie out of shame
that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel fear for the shame-system-demon-whatever.
that I have accepted and allowed myself to remove my s*xuality from the physical to the mental.
that I have accepted and allowed myself to become something I want to shake of as soon as possible.
that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep judging and to have judgement all the time.
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath although that would have been the best thing to do
that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the urge of sharing these dark thoughts because of fear of being judged.
that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into this request of the ego to present ‘the perfect picture’.
that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep abusing myself and stopping the process of helping myself.
that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to drinking alcohol with a friend because that’s the routine.
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not act in the moment of being confronted with ‘stopping’ (points).
that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a situation where I have to start all-over again.


 All for now.

#iduaal #ideal #idoall

15 11 2010
Falling hard

I’m depressed. Lying in bed with a shitload of work to do. My body gave up on me yesterday. Everything hurts and I,m barely able to get out of bed. No fever just pain and a terrible headache. The last month I had a lot off work to do and in came some money. I thought I had my priorities straight and I was reasonably disciplined in my actions. I stopped writing because I thought I was too busy with my business responsibilities. Reading the material and at the same time working in the corporate world was an utterly schizophrenic situation. I got kind of lost, no anchors. Being in a car for an hour driving up to a client. Trying to breath trough it all. Not being able to stabilize myself and taking this state with me in my work was frightening. I got very insecure about my overall ability to deal with myself.

I find balancing the destini material and my ‘daily life’ hard as hell. Reality doesn’t change but it sure hit’s hard sometimes. I’m not standing equal, I’m not applying self forgiveness, didn’t write wen it was necessary. This accumulated into the present state I’m in I think. A lot of information got stored which I did not act upon. I’ve been smoking weed on a daily bases for more than twenty years. After reading the Desteni article about weed addiction. I quit three months ago. Fantastic. Hardly no problems or graving. But I still had four weedplants in the garden. I decided not to remove them because of the money they would bring in (money is a big issue for me). In holland it’s allowed to grow up to five plants for personal use. How wrong is this? Very wrong and definitively not best for all. So the moment came to harvest this shit and there I was cutting away in a blaze of THC gas. After I finished the first batch I cleaned my scissor of the accumulated oil and there I was holding this tiny ball of first grade exclusive hashoil. I didn’t even think about it. It was rolled into a paper and I smoked it.

The moment I have to stop is the moment I decide to go against the decision I made with myself. But I didn’t so I’m back to square one. Not only the weed came back full force. All addictions points started ranting again.

Former ‘relationships’, sex, women, friendships, children, work, working, being self supportive, self trust, motivation etc. A mindsoup and a massive depression in which I was doing everything the way I always did. At the same time I was extremely disappointed with myself. So ashamed I couldn’t honestly share what was happening and what I was doing. Human-being-no control. It’s just fucking hard for me at the moment. I’m not sad. I don’t feel like crying. I’m not mad or angry. I can’t describe the state I’m in. It hurts that’s for shure. It actually feels like torture. Self torture off coarse.

I’ve been looking for deeper meaning to this earthly existence for a very long time. Investigated yoga systems, read the books. I think it was the Secret doctrine by Helena Blavatsky that scared the crap out of me. It made kind of sense. But it didn’t convcince. It stayed in the abstract. I kind of gave up. Some mysteries simply remain. Desteni hit me like a hammer. After all I did, all I read, it simply made sense. It filled all the caps I had. But it wasn’t what I expected.

I’m struggling like I’ve never struggled before. I know how simple it is. Either I’ll make it or I won’t. And immediately my ego starts to intervene. Yo cannot give up. Got to win this. Get you re act together etc. It’s fear. It’s always fear.

I’m scared of not making it.