24 11 2010
“It’s like someone is camping in your head”
J was right. “I will fall”. And I fell. There was no escaping it. Had to face it all. And it all had to come back. Point after point. I see an image of a woman, turns into s*x. Then my mind starts to amplify things even adding more images to the orgy. Same with weed. It’s like looking at my myself as the dumbest f*ck I’ve ever seen. And this is where I judge myself very heavily. Everything gets judged and I lock myself up. So there it is. Women, relationships, s*x, fetish, masturbation and addiction. A single picture is enough to reset the whole thing. Back to zero. I can say I was able to surpress my addictions for a certain amount of time, Hura. Being selfhonest about and transforming them is a different story. I came nowhere near confronting myself as self in this matter. Didn’t write so it was all in the head, big mindfuck. Got sick and scared of myself. This urge to be with someone. To escape into this nightmare of love and cosiness.
It feels like I’m being watched. And that would be me watching at the same time. Mister knowitall judging away at himself. Completely lost, empty and scared. Looking at what I have become. A dreamy human being especially in my actions. And this brings so much shame and guild. I know I have a choice but I also know that this choice has to be made over and over again. Into infinity untill I stand. The thoughts I have about this continuous confrontation with myself often triggers a flight-attack and that is where my addiction points and myself meet. That is where mister knowitall has to become mister doitall. J is right I’m slow very slow. I’m really scared because of what is happening to me right now. Never felt so alone and lost at the same time. No structure, no motivation and a lot of self judgement. I must accept that I’m not this hyper talking boy, I’m just as scared as the rest of us. When it comes to selfhonesty? I wouldn’t know where to start. I’m a human robot with an extremely fucked up operating system. At least I'm sure of that.
Illusion
So I must forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get addicted to pictures in this world
that I have accepted and allowed myself to Identify and program myself according to these pictures
that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my own pictures in the physical.
that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the pictures more important than reality.
that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my-self-abuse
that I have accepted and allowed myself to blaim myself for being a coward in facing myself as self
that I have accepted and allowed myself to have lack of discipline.
that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop being really intimate with myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop being honest
that I have accepted and allowed myself to make up story’s to present a better ‘picture’ of myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie out of shame
that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel fear for the shame-system-demon-whatever.
that I have accepted and allowed myself to remove my s*xuality from the physical to the mental.
that I have accepted and allowed myself to become something I want to shake of as soon as possible.
that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep judging and to have judgement all the time.
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath although that would have been the best thing to do
that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the urge of sharing these dark thoughts because of fear of being judged.
that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into this request of the ego to present ‘the perfect picture’.
that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep abusing myself and stopping the process of helping myself.
that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to drinking alcohol with a friend because that’s the routine.
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not act in the moment of being confronted with ‘stopping’ (points).
that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a situation where I have to start all-over again.
All for now.
#iduaal #ideal #idoall
No comments:
Post a Comment