Me the 'Mercanery'...

Workers and warriors
The Equal Money System needs two facets. Workers and warriors. Warriors to do battle for change in this world and workers too fund the warriors. Now I have to decide where I fit in? I had a strong reaction to this video that I want to look at and share.

Fear
Already while watching this video the word warrior came up as a ‘logical’ choice for me. The question being. Where do I fit in? This immediately triggered a feeling of inferiority as fear I felt in my stomach. So I asked myself where my preference for the word ‘warrior’ came from? The answer came fast because as a money maker in this world I’m not amongst the Trump’s and Branson’s.

Mercenary
So I reflected back on the ‘warrior’ and immediately the word ‘mercenary’ came up. - ? - So within the word ‘warrior’ there was probably judgement towards myself. A warrior fights for a cause. A mercenary is in it solely for his own benefit at the cost of everything else. Am I in this solely for myself or because I’m willing to give my life for an Equal Money System? When the call is made, do I come from the trenches and charge the enemy shouting: “today we die”!

mercenary |ˈmərsəˌnerē|
adjective derogatory
(of a person or their behavior) primarily concerned with making money at the expense of ethics : she's nothing but a mercenary little gold digger. Making money at the expense of ethics?

Ethics do not exist in this world because it’s all about money so ‘ethics’ has to be replaced by ‘what’s best for all’.

Gold digger
I find the term ‘gold digger’ interesting as well. As long as the current money system is in place we are all gold diggers at the expense of others. Within the current system there is no way around this. We will remain mercenary’s fighting our private wars up to the point where people are fighting wars merely for survival. The end is predictable and like all wars, not a ‘pretty picture’. A battlefield shows us the actual state of this world without the censorship on behalf of money.

Breaking this chain is my struggle at the moment because I have too make money. I have to find gold. I finished a project and new work has to come otherwise I’m in trouble. So I the mercenary must either find a steady job or start visiting the warlords of trade in order to rent myself out again. In both cases I’m a mercenary fighting a private war for survival = money. It’s inevitable. In order to be able to move myself I have to make money. Me behind this computer inside this house in this village in holland has to make money to sustain the content of this sentence.

Solution
Humanity needs answers and practical solutions because there is no more room to expand. We are facing the biggest task ever in human history. How to save humanity? How do we turn ourselves from individual gold diggers into ‘equal’ participants within an Equal Money System? Without any reasonable doubt, the only system that’s best for all.

The war to end all wars
If we look at this task from our personal perspectives as dueling-‘individuus‘ (individuals / the divided), it seems impossible. At the same time we realize that we are all participating in a scheme called ‘world economics’. We are all individually responsible for reaching this point of no return. We don’t fight for a cause anymore we are fighting for money and within that realization I cannot trust myself or anybody in the world around me that thinks science, politics, religion or spirituality will figure it out.

We will have to figure it out for ourselves and the moment you start using common sense you realise that the only way is the Equal Money way. It has to come bottom up from you and me forming groups that will stand as living examples of support giving to others what we would like to receive. Can I do this?

Warrior
For now my weapon is ‘my pen’, my strategy self honesty. I will be a warrior for the Equal Money System. The Desteni I Process will be my tool to bring forth the change within me. For now I live two lives until I stand.

The Equal Money system will be a first step in the political agenda of the Equal Life Party worldwide once we start participating in democratic elections. Join the Desteni Forum for discussions.

Mommy's making mommy's

The pair ends

In the previous post I ran onto (fore lack of a better description) ‘my mommy point’. That point when one as a child starts investigating the world. Where you take a step outside the comfort zone knowing mommy is there to run back too when things go 'bad'. Exploring the world from a safe haven whereby one slowly learns how to cope with what the world throws at us. A way of building confidence by ‘failing’ so to speak. As we said in BMX: “learning how too fall is more important than falling”. You will fall so you better get good at it!

We all come from the one person that’s responsible for us all being here. A mother. We all had one and from there we created that what is here reading these lines. That what we accepted and allowed ourselves to become. Where is that line between where parenting ends and we become self aware, independent individuals? Individuals?

The word individual is interesting. It comes from the latin word Individuus, from in- ‘not’ + dividuus ‘divisible’ (from dividere ‘to divide’ ). Divided as “separated into parts”. Isn’t that what we call 'sorting'. Where do I fit in? In what category am I 'sorted'. How are my characteristics defined and when do 'I' divide into the individual?

A pair of them

As I grew older I started noticing everyone having particular parents. As a child this was strange to me. All I could refer too where my own mom and dad so that was the only concept of 'parents' I had. Later in life I started too talk about parents with other people. I was kind of shocked that there where people that where not so happy with their parents. I mean some would recall them as the best thing in their life and some would despise them. Then there where people that didn’t even know their parents. Parents, a 'strange' relationship. You relate too the parents you have and that's it. There is no choice.

I became aware that I was spoiled by my parents through people that where not spoiled by there parents. If you are abused by your parents you will know this trough people that where nurtured by them. We thus always see ourselves and others through the parenting that was done. It also means we are always looking into the past when we are interacting with other people. Seeing myself is no different. When I’m looking at myself I’m looking into the past. The place where ‘I’ originate from beginning with the womb of my mother. That moment where my mother and father where divided from individuals to parents. Where the pair ended and brought forth and divided.

What about cloning? Well cloning can only be done if there is genetic material that derived from a mom and a dad. So without parents no cloning and no human race. Parents are the essential ingredient to what we call humanity. As human beings we are always connected to our parents, their parents, parenting and thus too humanity as a whole. Strangely enough nobody seems to live this reality and I think that’s because we are 'individuals', we are divided. 

Very upsetting especially to a child the moment it become aware of this, which is mostly during puberty. The way kids get trough puberty and adapt to reality determines almost everything that’s going to happen later in life. So what does this tell me about the phase before puberty? Isn’t that phase the most important one in a child's life and what role do the parents play during that phase? Do they think about stuff like this before a child is born? Are we as parents and teachers fully aware of what a child is going through ones it’s stuck in this reality of adults? Do we as adults ‘listen’ to children?

My words are dead

As a kid I had a LOT of trouble adapting to reality. In fact I’m still in the process of figuring out what ‘reality’ actually means. At least I’m sure that reality is in our heads because that’s where we ‘think’ we are. So reality can be whatever we think it to be. It’s what we think of it.

We create reality through thinking and parenting and it’s all done from our collective past. Reality is looking into the past and seeing what we ‘the creators’ created. If I don’t change my present the future will look awfully similar to the past (maybe a little more futuristic). Apparently all the thinking, effort, prayers, wishes and best intentions of the parents before us couldn’t prevent the big fuck up reality is right now. We are doing a horrible job parenting this world and that’s reality as I see it.

For me it all boils down to the fact that ‘I do not live my words in this reality’! And that’s what I must have done in the past otherwise I would not be where I am today. I live in a self created dream I call ‘my reality’. An extension of my childhood where at one point I disappeared into my head and never came back. Where the boy became a man like all men that fuck(ed) this world into oblivion. How did I end up living this illusion?

Moms safety

When I was about 12-13 years old I became aware that I soon had too leave the ‘save’ little world of, my neighbourhood, friends and Lego. The daily routine of coming home to my mother after primary school. I remember doing tests in school and that teachers began talking with a different voice, all serious all of a sudden. As if the fun was now over. Fear the future children for now it gets serious. Yes it did. I had to answer these grown ups what I wanted to do with my life. What secondary school I wanted to attend. I didn’t had a clue.

My parents took me to open houses. We visited several schools and for the first time it hit me that I was living in a different dimension than they did. All I can remember before this moment was being a happy playful kid with a lot of ‘energy’, a rich imagination and no fears about the future. I never got bored and I always felt save. This sudden realisation scared the crap out of me.

The kid that was me had a head full of images that ran wild. Being a boy those images mostly had to do with men stuff. I remember being fascinated by technology. I wasn’t good at math but I could give a speech about Leonardo da Vinchi without preparing for it. So to me school was just another place to play around with my interests. I was fascinated by everything technical. Especially spaceflight and stuff related to flying in general. My childhood was about fighter planes, flying aces and big battles (exactly like my father). My parents allowed me too watch a lot of television. I think it was kind of ‘normal’ in those days. People didn’t have a clue about the impact of television / media. To tell a vision or Tell a vise. Interesting. At least we can see what television brought us. I saw a lot of things that where not ‘meant’ for children’s eyes. That's for sure.

Reading

As soon as I was able to read and owned a library pass there was a fresh stack of books next too my bed every week. At first it was all about the great wonders of the world. The pyramids, the romans, vikings, etc. But the thing that stands out from the beginning is my fascination with war. I was fascinated by weapons systems from the old. From catapults used by the romans up too bouncing bombs used in the second world war to the gunships used in vietnam. If there was a war movie on television I would wine and beg till my parents allowed me too stay up late too watch it.

I think my father ‘loved’ it. He was born in 1940 and had vivid memories of dogfights between German Messerschmitt’s and English Hurricanes and Spitfires in the sky’s above our village. He was also walking the streets as a four year old when the english mistakenly bombed our town and a bomb nearly killed him. I heard that story at least a hundred times. The sealing of my bedroom was completely filled with model airplanes. I could tell the story on all of them. I was that Steven Spielberg kid that would fly too the moon someday. If a plain would fly by I could tell you the type just from the engine noise. In school this often led to irritated teachers because when a plane flew by I would do exactly that. I was obsessed with aeroplanes and flying.

My father loved to talk. So any questions from me regarding history, aeroplanes, the war or whatever where always answered with elaborate and colourful stories. And I have heard his life’s stories a million times. At least I know I come from a rather 'eccentric' family. My father kind of was my internet. I got all the information on everything I wanted to know from him. If I asked a question he would talk every time all the time. He also loved to colour his stories. Making things more intense and impressive than they actually where. I sucked it all inn and eventually became exactly like him. My mother tried to equalize this stream of information but was no match to the oral tsunami my father produced. My mother had 3 dominant males in the house. It must have been a nightmare for her.

Mysteries

My father and ‘I’ both had a fascination with mystery shit like spontaneous combustion, the bermuda triangle etc. I read bookshelves on that stuff. One of the stories that triggered my imagination immensely was that of Flight 19 that disappeared over the Bermuda triangle. I read all this stuff between 8 and 12 years of age and I was able to dish it all up into minute detail.

I was also completely addicted too television. I remember seeing a lot of stuff that was definitively not rated ‘all ages’. Ratings didn’t even exist back then. I saw horrific stuff about the holocaust, napalm bombing in vietnam etc. The stories that made the biggest impression where those that had too do with fighter pilots and special forces. Especially stuff behind enemy lines. I remember watching Colditz a British television series that screened between 1972 and 1974. The series deals with Allied prisoners of war imprisoned at the Colditz Castle. I must have been around 6-7 years old at the time and I remember being very emotional and tears flowing as I watched a scene where a B17 and crew go down behind enemy lines. I think my parents didn’t have a clue about the impact television had on me.

Puberty

Was my full frontal collision with reality. My universe sort of collided with another. Everything changed the moment I had to go to High school. I felt completely alienated from my surroundings and literally everything hardened. It felt like concrete was poured into me. I had to grow into something but didn’t have a clue what ‘that’ was. I didn’t want to grow up. I filled my head with violence and fear. I wanted to fit in but couldn’t figure it out. I began too think that there was something wrong with me. I became an outcast in high school and was bullied extensively for more than 3 years.

It drove my parents crazy. Especially my mother. She became desperate. My parents must have felt guilty because they tried a lot of things to make my life ‘fun’. Through my own experience I now realise that what a child like that needs is living examples of how things work in this world and especially why.

In my last year of high school there was a bullying incident where I snapped and nearly killed someone. That moment was an eye opener because it had an immediate effect on the ones that where harassing me. They stopped! So from that moment on I started projecting physical confidence. It was the only way too create my own space. I could do this because of my sport which was BMX. BMX saved me from going nuts. The only thing in life that gave me confidence at that moment was BMX. So it was me and my bike everyday all day.

The Mother

Inside I was extremely insecure and my self image was one of complete failure and incompetence. To the outside I was a daredevil, a rebel and a troublemaker. Always pushing the limits. I was an extremely annoying boy to say the least. Always talking, always having the last word and stubborn to the bone. I pretended that I didn’t give a fuck and I camped in my head most of the time. A child like this today would immediately be diagnosed with ADHD, PDD NOS or whatever and probably end up in a corner medicated and drooling. 

Mother

mom |mäm|, noun informal, one's mother. Abbreviation of momma.

Imitative of a child's first syllables ma, ma.

Origin

Old English mōdor, of Germanic origin; related to Dutch moeder and German Mutter, from an Indo-European root shared by Latin mater and Greek mētēr.

verb [ trans. ]

1 [often as n. ] ( mothering) bring up (a child) with care and affection : the art of mothering.

• look after kindly and protectively, sometimes excessively so : she felt mothered by her older sister.

2 dated give birth to.

Looking back and seeing my mother I wander. Is there a mothering school where a woman can go before getting a child? No. So where do mothers get educated when it comes to raising their children? What does a mother want to teach her children and with what purpose? How many parents ask themselves these tricky questions in self honesty before sending their kids to schools full of old information? And if these questions are brought to the table, how many parents get solid answers? I think I stumbled upon a bit of a problem here and more than 150.000.000 children worldwide don’t even get educated.

Mother nature

In nature the program is simpler and able to sustain some kind of equilibrium that humans are unable to grasp. Probably because it’s too simple. A lion baby will be raised by lions within a group of lions. If the pup would start to behave like a hamster the outcome is predictable. When growing up, a lion kitten will learn to hunt and catch his own meat or it will die.

I think it would be the same with children if it wasn’t for the fact that they have human parents. Beings with complex and highly egotistical forms of ‘artificial intelligence programs’. So what can one expect from humans? Believe systems are programmed into babies by us the parents? Everything of the parents is projected onto the child. And in this world it means that the newborn is always loaded with old and incomplete information. The moment a child starts to think for him or herself he or she starts operating from the past exactly like the parents did. It's using their, morality, coping mechanisms, personality. This means we experience the same fucking bullshit our parents experienced again and again?

So that’s what happened too me, to all of us. There is no concept of 'equality' in our source code. It’s why humanity is not evolving but exploding. It’s why we are now experiencing a world on the brink of collapse. We are all running software that’s not 'best for all'. As parents and children we are all as individuals responsible for updating our operating systems. I mean we can all see with our own eyes what the old programs are producing just to clear the point. How can anything change if we keep copy pasting ourselves?

Stop recycling

Let’s all become software developers for the new world. At Desteni we focus on educating ourselves the ‘adults’ in this world that will eventually be having kids or not. Educating already existing parents to teach to their descendants how it is that we as human beings require an actual Education in consideration of each other as Equals. With actual practical application which implies an entire reform to the Educational system. A system which Is flawed and money-driven. As a consequence you experience the world as it is today.

Let’s make parents the actual teachers of this world to breed a world that’s best for all. Visit the Desteni I Process website to Educate yourself and Invest on Life Skills that can be practically applied no matter where in the world you are. Let’s make children the actual Future of the world: a World of Life in Equality for All.

Investigate the Equal Money System to see how Education will no longer be directed by money-making skills but Life Skills to LIVE and not merely survive.

Relationships as hiding places

Being alone in a relationship

The past few weeks I noticed a particular build up of anxiety, a restlessness. It all has to do with the fact that my daughter and ex girlfriend are going to move away. The new situation that will arise puts my whole life in a new perspective. In the near future I will be able to move again. I’m less bound to the triangle of family as it is located within the present boundaries.


The realisation

In other words, I’m not bound to were I am living anymore. In the future I don’t have to be the standby father anymore. At least not like it is today. Apart from feeling guilty, sad and sentimental after the news reached me I also became very restless. Why did this happen? Maybe it’s because nothing is holding me back from moving myself anymore. Am I afraid of moving myself? Is change that frightening to me? Come on I’m the daredevil, the danger seeker. What is going on here? Am I stuck in a construct that I don’t see? Where is this fear coming from?

To adress
If nothing is holding me back then it must be me that's holding me back. So that was a tough point because I apparently fuck up when it comes to self movement. As an example a big point I am starting to see is the way I locked myself up within relationships. Within relationships I stopped moving completely. Relationships became a lame excuse for the circumstances I was in. A lot of this was on a unconscious level but that's no excuse for not addressing what’s presenting itself here in the present.

Why we all want families
Within the system construct of a relationship the load is shared so to speak. Look around you and you will see that society as a whole is completely designed to facilitate and encourage relationships. Preferable ones that make money and produce children. Relationships as a place where one is not solely responsible. One goes to work or both 'partners' work and the 'load' is divided. We go to work, make  money and start consuming as we get consumed by daily live. We do our part in consuming like a ‘good’ family is supposed too adding to the immense cash flow generated by family. The average middle class family spends more than 2000 euro's a month! Do a little math on that and you will see why family is called "the cornerstone of society" In other words, family as the ultimate cash cow .

'Social' structures
When everything runs according to plan the ‘thing’ becomes a well oiled routine and everyone loves that because we fit in nicely with the rest. It’s fully understandable for everyone because we all know that it keeps everything in place. Running a family is one of the most time consuming things one can do, there you go.

So as families we all have the same subjects to chit chat about. Avoiding a big part of ourselves in the process. With colleagues, friends and family we share the same problems and we eat the same pancakes. Yeah ‘life’s a bitch’ and the weather sure is nice today. Sooner or later we all want to escape but no one can and we all accept this as reality. Eventually one is either in or out. Remember that when you are 'out', life becomes ridiculously complicated. Nothing seems to be 'designed' for the 'single' human being. The so called loner and his or her relationship too the rest. Why is it called "a social structure" when in fact not everyone is included?

A being in love
Looking at myself and my behaviour within relationships I began to see a pattern. Off coarse the starting point has always been a ‘physical’ one. A sex mate (Can we mate? Can we be mates?). This part normally went reasonably well until the initial energy of ‘sex’ and 'being in love' had to be transformed into a workable relationship. This is mostly the period where one starts touching subjects like, ‘living together’, ‘careers’, ‘work’ and ‘money’. Eventually it always boiled down to money and last but not least ‘children’. I always began to feel uncomfortable and restless when these subjects were addressed.

I wrote about this before but what is interesting and the question I asked myself was: Why did I get into relationships in the first place? I’m starting to see that I did this solely from the point of not having to be fully responsible for what would happen in my life. I would always be able too say ‘“we did” instead of “I did”. So this point had to do with taking self responsibility within all aspects of life. So apparently I didn’t see myself do this. That’s inferiority isn't it? Yes it is. I’m starting to realise that I used relationships and sex as the ultimate escape and hiding place for self responsibility.

As an example it explains why I like to be around children but never wanted them for myself. I always used financial security as an excuse. This is why I always wait for reality to become unbearable before I start to move. Only moving because it’s a necessity not because one want’s to move. It’s not moving but being moved. Exactly that. Being moved, being emotional. Being able to say, “the circumstances forced me to make this or that move”. It’s denying myself to step forward and make mistakes. I have to be perfect or hide my imperfections. Compensating inferiority with bravado and perfectionism. All out of fear. Fear of being judged by friends and family. Fear of failing within the system falling out of the system. Fear of simply being here as I am as me. No matter what...

Kinesiology
To test these points I went to my kinesiologist today and in order to give her some points to work with I called it “testing my mommy construct" because that’s what it is too me. It’s that point where one as a child takes a step outside the comfort zone knowing mommy is there to run back too when things go bad and having a father that's gently pushing this process. Showing you how to deal with reality and solve problems in a rational and effective way. Within this construct I'm starting too see where my behaviour originates from. The comfort of my childhood was probably a bit to comfy and looking back I always relied (too) heavily on my parents for support.

[marking this point for my next blog entry]

The muscle tests
After being testes for about an hour the following points opened up:

The air element: 
Self respect, shyness, confusion, awkwardness, puzzlement, distrust, success. Coming from a highly unstructured background and finding it extremely hard to cope with reality, seeing / understanding reality as a child and being overwhelmed by it.

Succes
Associating success with money, power and evil. Spiting it thus sabotaging success in this point for myself.

Polarity
Being indecisive wen confronted with polarity: Independence, independency. Being self-supportive, self-help. Also independence manifesting as an independent attitude activating abilities within seclusion. Standing independently. I climb this tree because no one can do it for me.

Self-restraint (the earth element)
Coping with morality issues within social groups. Insecurity becomes self-assertion. Overcompensating inferiority with perfectionism for example in sports or work. Being a daredevil. All from being up in the turbulent air of polarity instead of grounded in earth. No base to operate from. No me just projections.

Empathy
The spleen point (milt) - mildness, gentleness and self trust. It’s only possible to be gentle to others or express gentleness if one knows gentleness as an expression of self. Have I been gentle with myself? Did I give myself enough ‘credit’ for achievements I made in life? Also self intimacy (I see in to me). Being decisive and take action even when unsure about the predictability of the outcome (just move).

And so on
So again a lot of stuff to investigate and another small step in birthing myself as life from the physical. All is stored within the body. It’s there to support us in becoming who we really are as self. The older we get the more information is stored making it harder to change ourselves as time goes by. That's why Kinesiology is such a great tool. Instead of assuming stuff you are able to test things out in real time. It’s magnificent if one dares to go there. Being in process is the hardest thing I ever did. It’s also the only way of becoming who 'I' am by exposing what 'I' am not. The Desteni I process is the only tool in the world that's flawless when one decides to go 'there'. It's no easy road and it's the most confronting thing you will ever do. But if I can do this, you can.

So please investigate who you are and join us: http://desteniiprocess.com/