Day 002-Irritated

The point that really stood out today was irritation. I accepted and allowed myself to become irritated. Irritation creates a lot of friction so I really sabotaged myself today. I'm not working at home at the moment. I'm on location and so is my equipment. Today felt like everything was amplified. Noise was louder, light was brighter and time seemed to move faster. I'm now well into the fourth week of being fully emerged in quite stressful work with permanent deadlines and impulses around me.

It's interesting to observe the impact this bowl of energy around me is having on me. It's permeating my skin. Sometimes I can even feel temperature changes in my skin. I cannot run from it or shield myself against it. The combination of work and keeping stable as breath is something I have yet to master. Its like swimming where I have moments on the surface and then it's back down and being submerged in work to get shit done. In the process this pattern is becoming visible. It's an old pattern. It's the nine to nine pattern I had for a long time where I in the morning kind of merge with my work and the computer programs and come out of this trip at around nine o clock at night within this energetic buzz.

I'm working and my head will start spinning, my body is tensed up, my breathing is higher and last but not least there is this luring feeling of irritation. Its like being hooked with a thousand hooks and hanged from the ceiling. Locked into my place behind the computer calibrated to spin with the system and produce output. Feeling that whole energetic buzz creeping in and slowly eating me up. Today around 16.00 hours I couldn't keep my eyes open. I wanted to get out, go home get air but I couldn't because I have an agreement with myself to not give into resistance. And this was resistance for sure. It came to a point where I felt so tired I wanted to lay myself down on the floor. I knew it had to be resistance. My mind was looking for back doors to get me out and presenting me with this tiredness was one of them. It worked great because I really felt like I was done. At that moment my brother (who's also there) said "stop, let's play"

If you wonder why a lot of advertising agencies have soccer tables. It's because of this point. It's a means to an end. You go to the table and you simply create a shortcut to silence the mind through playing a fierce physical game of table soccer. So that's what I did and it helped me create that little space from where I was able to become stable and get my shit done. It's always the obvious shit that I miss indeed. So here is a great tip. In case of mental sabotage presenting itself as resistance were one becomes tired. Stop and do something physical. Jump, trow a ball, walk or ride a bike. It works!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself by giving into resistance presented by my mind as tiredness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drink more coffee than I had agreed upon with myself making it harder to remain stable within breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give my body the sleep it needed last night resulting in a less stable thus not preferable situation where I support myself by doing my work efficiently thus saving time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become irritated and expressing that irritation orally thereby making others part of my problem which is unacceptable as I should be an example as movement. Whereby I'm moving myself trough those particular points of resistance without any drama or emotion thus not giving the ego of the mind what it wants which is self limitation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry with myself as judging myself as incompetent or not capable of changing my behavior that presented itself as tiredness at the same time realising this tiredness was resistance

2012 are you chosen?

12 21 12, 2012, 21 december 12, dec 12 2012, december 12 2011, december 12 doomsday, december 21 2012.

What's The Frequency Kenneth?
What do others say about 2012? What does the bible say about 2012? What can I say about 2012? As far as I’m concerned 2012 is one year. A point in space and time. A fraction of space-time. Funny, the Germans call the universe ‘Weltall’. The world and all. The dutch say ‘Heelal’-Heal all-Hell-all-All hell. English is interesting too, ‘Universe’. Uni-verse! Lot’s of universal verses. Interesting. I ‘prefer’ the German definition ‘Welt-all’. Kind of includes everything.

Losing My Religion
There are a few among us that believe the world is coming to an end. That’s a bit out of the ‘ordinary’. I calm myself knowing that my world will end every night when I close my eyes and go to sleep. Where am I when I sleep? And where am I when I wake up? As long as I can remember my world ended every night and was there again the next morning. How is that for strange?

Shiny happy people
I’m in the process of stopping my mind for little more than a year. Someone asked me if it made me happy? Is it 'working'? Does it 'help' me? Does it 'make' me a 'better' person? In other words what do I get in return for my efforts or investments. Yes, the shit runs deep. Happiness, the second largest religion in the world.

A lot of things changed for me in 2012. A lot of things stayed firmly in place. This process is absolutely not what I expected it to be and it's not a cheery, joyful experience so far. It's a nightmare to wake up too oneself within this world. It’s an experience however and that means there are things I can share that could benefit others who are having trouble with the current outflow of events as we enter 2012. Yeah, that biblical event where time is supposed to end and the chosen ones go to heaven to drink champaign. Duh, I thought we where all born in sinn. So everybody stays here. No jumping in front of the train now, we are all going to be in this shit together. We are all future neighbours. What did Jezus say again?

Wall Of Death 
I’m 43 and kids start to call me an old man. Being an old man comes with a few issues. So when I started this process of stopping my mind those 'old man' issues became quite prominent. What the fuck did I do all those years. Where the fuck was I? What the fuck was I thinking? What the fuck? This whole process started with one simple question someone asked me. "Where are you?" Investigating myself started with that simple point of being-here. W-here is the being? I couldn’t answer that question and from that moment on my life has changed dramatically. Changing myself is much harder than my mind makes me think because my mind doesn’t want me to change. My DNA likes to have things running according to plan. That's the 'hard-bit'.

One point I begin to see in more detail is the personality I have developed over time. And it’s interesting because this morning I remembered that a teacher teased me by calling me a donkey in school so the kids started to call me that as well. ‘Donkey’ because I probably fucked up a lot in primary school (apparently donkeys do that). Being called a donkey as a child was not a nice experience and it was one of those experiences where I became aware of myself as different from the point of inferiority.

It’s all quite funny because from the current perspective as what I have become as a personality the comparison to a donkey makes total sense. I accepted and allowed myself to become a stubborn, noisy and sedentary persona. Try to get me from my place against my will and all hell brakes loose and just like an old donkey, I’m good at carrying a load and look pitiful doing so.

Automatic For The People
One of the first things I became aware of after I started this blog where my habits. My whole being and I mean everything of me consisting of these patterns merging into my behavior as me as this personality or persona as you will. Having a specific preference for every little thing I do, think or feel. From the way I drink my coffee up to the way I wipe my ass. I started to see that the oldest habits I have are also the most fossilized. There is no real me. It’s all constructed in real time like a wireframe pixar movie. Reading the Desteni material made me realize that I was only defining myself through words, emotions and feelings that come straight from my surroundings. I'm not those fucking words am I? Here! I am starting to observe myself as my own prisoner within what I think feel or say. I'm fucking screwed by creation. WTF! Yes this kind of shit is shocking and I got really fucking angry. At first I was only aware of my so called ‘bad habits’. A complete morality fuckup. Bad habits are also habits so let's start from scratch here.

The One I Love 
Smoking followed by smoking weed are my oldest habits. So if I wanted to really push and test myself those where the key areas to start breaking my habits. I stopped smoking weed almost a year ago. I smoked weed for more than 20 years. I quit smoking about 7 weeks ago. I started smoking when I was about sixteen so that makes smoking a 27 year old daily habit. The strange thing with stopping is that it’s not hard at all. You just stop and that’s it. The hard part is the hard-bit, the habit. It’s simple and at the same time unexplainable up to the point I just freak out, lock up or start to fuck with myself (which happens frequently). It’s like stopping programs that keep rebooting themselves again and again. A very annoying process but I cant blame or be angry with the programs. I wrote them myself meaning I'm responsible. That’s how I see it. Dissolving the after effects of stopping is a different chapter that has to do with taking self-responsibility and guilt. More on that as I go along and overcome points of shame and embarrassment while sharing my life here.


Everybody Hurts 
Now stopping addictions sounds simple. What makes it hard? The moment I stop one habit (robot-program-system-mechanism) the whole carefully built production-line starts to protest and make noise. So that one habit is always connected to another habit or point. Habits have really big families! It’s fascinating and painful at the same time. For me stopping those habits felt like relationships that ended. In fact that's exactly what it is. How I relate to things are relationships. I had a relationship with weed. I was in love with it. She eased my pain. She was always there. Never complained. Made me laugh. Satisfied my needs. Told me not to worry and that I was okay. She made me feel so good and also sick sometimes. And yes I broke up with her for good and that hurt like hell. Everything started to shift and tilt. That whole point with me attached to it has to be repositioned. Just like all those other relationships. It’s mental as well as physical up to this day.

The saying “you need backbone to stand to a decision” That’s the physical point I’m most aware of. My spine. It has not stopped moving since I started this process. At the moment it’s very painful. The whole thing is pulling me in all directions and I'm very tired because of it.

Turn You Inside-Out
Stopping weed and smoking shows me another perspective that’s fascinating. I’m not judging my smoking or weed consumption anymore. The substance is not the point. ‘What’s in it for me?’ that’s the starting point. It’s that. If I want to know why I smoke I just look at the effect smoking has on me and why. My habits are handlebars, hiding places, escape hatches, social credit cards, ice breakers, common ground, stability points to survive as this persona I have become. A persona that has become almost to demented and automated too change. I’m within a world system that functions exactly the same. Braking my habits makes me feel 'the rupture' in the fabric that connects me to the system. That's my end of the world. What can I say, It’s as painful as it is fascinating to see what I made of myself. It’s also pretty scary at times. The only realization that calms me down is the realization that no matter how bad the nightmare, reality will be worse.

Stand
Applying the Desteni material  is not a walk in the park. Desteni is not a gathering of people padding each other on the back for being ‘good citizens’. Exposing the true nature of oneself and each-other is a confronting and sometimes painful process. There is a lot of resistance within me because of that. Sometimes it seems impossible to move, that's where 2012 comes in. The more people move the easier it gets. Humanity doesn’t like Destonians because they are everything the world is not at the moment. Why is it so hard for me to stand with and as a principle of oneness and equality. To do whatever it takes to bring life back to this earth?

Because it requires changing myself as the physical. With physical proof showing you that even old men can stop shit and that change is possible. We don’t need hope, we change through changing and that takes fucking time and effort. Move with us and support an equal money system.

Desteni is the only group of people in the world I see that take life seriously enough to take everything into consideration. The only way we can change this world is by changing ourselves one by one until all = one. Equal money is the tool to get this done. Time is ticking. Will I break the habit that is me? Will I be here eventually?

Me the 'Mercanery'...

Workers and warriors
The Equal Money System needs two facets. Workers and warriors. Warriors to do battle for change in this world and workers too fund the warriors. Now I have to decide where I fit in? I had a strong reaction to this video that I want to look at and share.

Fear
Already while watching this video the word warrior came up as a ‘logical’ choice for me. The question being. Where do I fit in? This immediately triggered a feeling of inferiority as fear I felt in my stomach. So I asked myself where my preference for the word ‘warrior’ came from? The answer came fast because as a money maker in this world I’m not amongst the Trump’s and Branson’s.

Mercenary
So I reflected back on the ‘warrior’ and immediately the word ‘mercenary’ came up. - ? - So within the word ‘warrior’ there was probably judgement towards myself. A warrior fights for a cause. A mercenary is in it solely for his own benefit at the cost of everything else. Am I in this solely for myself or because I’m willing to give my life for an Equal Money System? When the call is made, do I come from the trenches and charge the enemy shouting: “today we die”!

mercenary |ˈmərsəˌnerē|
adjective derogatory
(of a person or their behavior) primarily concerned with making money at the expense of ethics : she's nothing but a mercenary little gold digger. Making money at the expense of ethics?

Ethics do not exist in this world because it’s all about money so ‘ethics’ has to be replaced by ‘what’s best for all’.

Gold digger
I find the term ‘gold digger’ interesting as well. As long as the current money system is in place we are all gold diggers at the expense of others. Within the current system there is no way around this. We will remain mercenary’s fighting our private wars up to the point where people are fighting wars merely for survival. The end is predictable and like all wars, not a ‘pretty picture’. A battlefield shows us the actual state of this world without the censorship on behalf of money.

Breaking this chain is my struggle at the moment because I have too make money. I have to find gold. I finished a project and new work has to come otherwise I’m in trouble. So I the mercenary must either find a steady job or start visiting the warlords of trade in order to rent myself out again. In both cases I’m a mercenary fighting a private war for survival = money. It’s inevitable. In order to be able to move myself I have to make money. Me behind this computer inside this house in this village in holland has to make money to sustain the content of this sentence.

Solution
Humanity needs answers and practical solutions because there is no more room to expand. We are facing the biggest task ever in human history. How to save humanity? How do we turn ourselves from individual gold diggers into ‘equal’ participants within an Equal Money System? Without any reasonable doubt, the only system that’s best for all.

The war to end all wars
If we look at this task from our personal perspectives as dueling-‘individuus‘ (individuals / the divided), it seems impossible. At the same time we realize that we are all participating in a scheme called ‘world economics’. We are all individually responsible for reaching this point of no return. We don’t fight for a cause anymore we are fighting for money and within that realization I cannot trust myself or anybody in the world around me that thinks science, politics, religion or spirituality will figure it out.

We will have to figure it out for ourselves and the moment you start using common sense you realise that the only way is the Equal Money way. It has to come bottom up from you and me forming groups that will stand as living examples of support giving to others what we would like to receive. Can I do this?

Warrior
For now my weapon is ‘my pen’, my strategy self honesty. I will be a warrior for the Equal Money System. The Desteni I Process will be my tool to bring forth the change within me. For now I live two lives until I stand.

The Equal Money system will be a first step in the political agenda of the Equal Life Party worldwide once we start participating in democratic elections. Join the Desteni Forum for discussions.