Day-023-E-value ate the money

I was looking at some of my experiences over the past week. A week that was filled with ridiculous deadlines, stress, irritation, tiredness, confusion, suppression and lunacy. All because the money has to flow to a specific point more than to another. Its kind of mathematical and I'm not talking about the whole planet although exactly the same thing is happening on a macroeconomic scale and because I am a participant I'm confronted with the 'value for money discussion' on a minute to minute bases.

I make money so I'm a cost point. One of many that causes stress. That's what money does and it's measured in space and time. I'm confronted with this principle within almost every decision I make during my day, in fact all people are. Even the ones that have no money are part of the 'deal'.

So like the ones before me I accept the shite as part of the package and although it has always bugged the fucking hell out of me I was somehow able to suppress the anger and frustration with lot's of distraction in the form of so called free time and entertainment. That pattern however is kind of changing as my Facebook page illustrates.

The past always visits me as I find myself in doubt during my projects. This week I got a vivid perspective of myself within and as the patterns I exist as 'personally and professionally'. I had a few volcanic moments and at one point. I snapped and allowed myself to become completely possessed by anger and frustration. It was not a pleasant experience. It disgusts me to find myself in that total possession and looking back I can see that trying to avoid the experience is one of the reasons I have lost or quit jobs in the past.

This week like so many before felt like being submerged in energy and I couldn't earth myself to remove the static. It's like I see myself go I know what will follow but I'm unable to change direction. It's almost like an addiction. No, it is an addiction it's a pattern *flag point. It's knowing only one way and being to scared to even think of another that's it. Today as I finally take this moment for myself to put one and two in perspective where I'm cleaning up my house, doing the laundry, walking the dog and I become aware of my body as this collection of tension is when I realize I'm actually the sum of my the parts that make up the equation.

This is my fucking value for money!

It would be extremely funny if it wasn't killing us. All this tension because we have bills to pay. Slowly cannibalizing myself as the days pas by. And it hit me today that it makes sense. What Value? From every purchase or every sum of money spent. Value for money is based not only on the minimum purchase price but also on the maximum efficiency and effectiveness of the purchase. The interesting question however should be, what is our 'valuepoint' of reference regarding value that is permanently changing according to our own preprogrammed behavior? In other words my unstoppable appetite to have more than others. I am part of the fucking feedback loop. I'm feeding the monster by my own participation. Ah it's genius we all faced the same question. Stand or deliver? We all deliver and fall collectively for the highest bidder which is our own mind.

There is no value and that's why it is what it is. Even if my life would be that of luxury and splendor there would be no value because value is created in the mind and that can't be done without creating debt. From my perceptive it explains the way I experience myself within my work. I do not dare to say professional career because what is a professional standard? It is part of the same value system that is part of the money system and if you have the whole of humanity including myself trying to buy more for less this is what you get. Over time no value was created we only created debt so I have no value only debt and it's so huge I can only pretend it does not exist and deny its existence because facing my responsibility within it is just to big and to shameful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become possessed by energy because I did not give myself clarity within the chaos surrounding my professional activities over the past week.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to panic instead of getting a clear perspective on the impossibilities of the work that had to be done within the given amount of time and take self responsibility within communicating these points clearly and effectively with all people involved.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not place myself within strict boundaries regarding my priorities and to be realistic about what can be done and not be done and communicate that, taking into consideration that the reaction I get might not be a pleasant one seeing realizing that placing boundaries will always cause someone somewhere to hit the fence within that I see realize and understand that I'm not responsible for the way people deal with their emotions and that it's not my responsibility to have all the answers

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not seeing realizing and understanding that one of my tasks is to alway be clear within my communication because without clear communication on my part there can only be assumptions that become projections regarding me and the status of my work

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within my work loose my professional stance



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2012 are you chosen?

12 21 12, 2012, 21 december 12, dec 12 2012, december 12 2011, december 12 doomsday, december 21 2012.

What's The Frequency Kenneth?
What do others say about 2012? What does the bible say about 2012? What can I say about 2012? As far as I’m concerned 2012 is one year. A point in space and time. A fraction of space-time. Funny, the Germans call the universe ‘Weltall’. The world and all. The dutch say ‘Heelal’-Heal all-Hell-all-All hell. English is interesting too, ‘Universe’. Uni-verse! Lot’s of universal verses. Interesting. I ‘prefer’ the German definition ‘Welt-all’. Kind of includes everything.

Losing My Religion
There are a few among us that believe the world is coming to an end. That’s a bit out of the ‘ordinary’. I calm myself knowing that my world will end every night when I close my eyes and go to sleep. Where am I when I sleep? And where am I when I wake up? As long as I can remember my world ended every night and was there again the next morning. How is that for strange?

Shiny happy people
I’m in the process of stopping my mind for little more than a year. Someone asked me if it made me happy? Is it 'working'? Does it 'help' me? Does it 'make' me a 'better' person? In other words what do I get in return for my efforts or investments. Yes, the shit runs deep. Happiness, the second largest religion in the world.

A lot of things changed for me in 2012. A lot of things stayed firmly in place. This process is absolutely not what I expected it to be and it's not a cheery, joyful experience so far. It's a nightmare to wake up too oneself within this world. It’s an experience however and that means there are things I can share that could benefit others who are having trouble with the current outflow of events as we enter 2012. Yeah, that biblical event where time is supposed to end and the chosen ones go to heaven to drink champaign. Duh, I thought we where all born in sinn. So everybody stays here. No jumping in front of the train now, we are all going to be in this shit together. We are all future neighbours. What did Jezus say again?

Wall Of Death 
I’m 43 and kids start to call me an old man. Being an old man comes with a few issues. So when I started this process of stopping my mind those 'old man' issues became quite prominent. What the fuck did I do all those years. Where the fuck was I? What the fuck was I thinking? What the fuck? This whole process started with one simple question someone asked me. "Where are you?" Investigating myself started with that simple point of being-here. W-here is the being? I couldn’t answer that question and from that moment on my life has changed dramatically. Changing myself is much harder than my mind makes me think because my mind doesn’t want me to change. My DNA likes to have things running according to plan. That's the 'hard-bit'.

One point I begin to see in more detail is the personality I have developed over time. And it’s interesting because this morning I remembered that a teacher teased me by calling me a donkey in school so the kids started to call me that as well. ‘Donkey’ because I probably fucked up a lot in primary school (apparently donkeys do that). Being called a donkey as a child was not a nice experience and it was one of those experiences where I became aware of myself as different from the point of inferiority.

It’s all quite funny because from the current perspective as what I have become as a personality the comparison to a donkey makes total sense. I accepted and allowed myself to become a stubborn, noisy and sedentary persona. Try to get me from my place against my will and all hell brakes loose and just like an old donkey, I’m good at carrying a load and look pitiful doing so.

Automatic For The People
One of the first things I became aware of after I started this blog where my habits. My whole being and I mean everything of me consisting of these patterns merging into my behavior as me as this personality or persona as you will. Having a specific preference for every little thing I do, think or feel. From the way I drink my coffee up to the way I wipe my ass. I started to see that the oldest habits I have are also the most fossilized. There is no real me. It’s all constructed in real time like a wireframe pixar movie. Reading the Desteni material made me realize that I was only defining myself through words, emotions and feelings that come straight from my surroundings. I'm not those fucking words am I? Here! I am starting to observe myself as my own prisoner within what I think feel or say. I'm fucking screwed by creation. WTF! Yes this kind of shit is shocking and I got really fucking angry. At first I was only aware of my so called ‘bad habits’. A complete morality fuckup. Bad habits are also habits so let's start from scratch here.

The One I Love 
Smoking followed by smoking weed are my oldest habits. So if I wanted to really push and test myself those where the key areas to start breaking my habits. I stopped smoking weed almost a year ago. I smoked weed for more than 20 years. I quit smoking about 7 weeks ago. I started smoking when I was about sixteen so that makes smoking a 27 year old daily habit. The strange thing with stopping is that it’s not hard at all. You just stop and that’s it. The hard part is the hard-bit, the habit. It’s simple and at the same time unexplainable up to the point I just freak out, lock up or start to fuck with myself (which happens frequently). It’s like stopping programs that keep rebooting themselves again and again. A very annoying process but I cant blame or be angry with the programs. I wrote them myself meaning I'm responsible. That’s how I see it. Dissolving the after effects of stopping is a different chapter that has to do with taking self-responsibility and guilt. More on that as I go along and overcome points of shame and embarrassment while sharing my life here.


Everybody Hurts 
Now stopping addictions sounds simple. What makes it hard? The moment I stop one habit (robot-program-system-mechanism) the whole carefully built production-line starts to protest and make noise. So that one habit is always connected to another habit or point. Habits have really big families! It’s fascinating and painful at the same time. For me stopping those habits felt like relationships that ended. In fact that's exactly what it is. How I relate to things are relationships. I had a relationship with weed. I was in love with it. She eased my pain. She was always there. Never complained. Made me laugh. Satisfied my needs. Told me not to worry and that I was okay. She made me feel so good and also sick sometimes. And yes I broke up with her for good and that hurt like hell. Everything started to shift and tilt. That whole point with me attached to it has to be repositioned. Just like all those other relationships. It’s mental as well as physical up to this day.

The saying “you need backbone to stand to a decision” That’s the physical point I’m most aware of. My spine. It has not stopped moving since I started this process. At the moment it’s very painful. The whole thing is pulling me in all directions and I'm very tired because of it.

Turn You Inside-Out
Stopping weed and smoking shows me another perspective that’s fascinating. I’m not judging my smoking or weed consumption anymore. The substance is not the point. ‘What’s in it for me?’ that’s the starting point. It’s that. If I want to know why I smoke I just look at the effect smoking has on me and why. My habits are handlebars, hiding places, escape hatches, social credit cards, ice breakers, common ground, stability points to survive as this persona I have become. A persona that has become almost to demented and automated too change. I’m within a world system that functions exactly the same. Braking my habits makes me feel 'the rupture' in the fabric that connects me to the system. That's my end of the world. What can I say, It’s as painful as it is fascinating to see what I made of myself. It’s also pretty scary at times. The only realization that calms me down is the realization that no matter how bad the nightmare, reality will be worse.

Stand
Applying the Desteni material  is not a walk in the park. Desteni is not a gathering of people padding each other on the back for being ‘good citizens’. Exposing the true nature of oneself and each-other is a confronting and sometimes painful process. There is a lot of resistance within me because of that. Sometimes it seems impossible to move, that's where 2012 comes in. The more people move the easier it gets. Humanity doesn’t like Destonians because they are everything the world is not at the moment. Why is it so hard for me to stand with and as a principle of oneness and equality. To do whatever it takes to bring life back to this earth?

Because it requires changing myself as the physical. With physical proof showing you that even old men can stop shit and that change is possible. We don’t need hope, we change through changing and that takes fucking time and effort. Move with us and support an equal money system.

Desteni is the only group of people in the world I see that take life seriously enough to take everything into consideration. The only way we can change this world is by changing ourselves one by one until all = one. Equal money is the tool to get this done. Time is ticking. Will I break the habit that is me? Will I be here eventually?