Day-030-"Cheer the fuck up"

Within doing the DIP Lite I was looking at how I have lived the word 'cheerful' and what I observed was amongst others a close relationship between the word 'cheerful' and the word 'holiday'. As long as I can remember the biggest resistance in my life growing up was going to school. The thing I loved to do most was not going to school. Live without that 'responsibility'.

So from my perspective 'cheerfulness' seems to be related to getting something, to be rewarded with something. Like a release, a burden lifted from my shoulders. I got the job. I did well on my exam. I can finally walk. It's not as bad as I thought it would be. I won the lottery. To me it's a release of positivity. As a kid nothing would make me more cheerful than the summer holidays. That moment when I walked out of the schoolyard on a hot summers day knowing that my private projects would not be disturbed by the imprisonment of school for a long time (that's how I experienced myself within it). 

Being relieved from the nightmare of school always made me cheerful. Everything would become easier. I would feel light on my feet. From my present perspective I can see that that was halve the story. Me being this energetic and hysterical was simply the expansion of positive energy after the compression of negative energy sitting in the classroom grinding my teeth the whole day for weeks in a row. Why I hated school so much is something I absolutely have to investigate. 

This mechanism where I went from the negative to the positive in relation to school is exactly the same mechanism I accepted within my 'working career'. I realise there is a reason we call it a school. It's merging with the herd becoming part of a troop and getting lectured permanently. Would a child do this voluntarily?

I found myself applying for my firts job at 21 and I got a well payed first job. As I got older I started to experience the jobs as stressful mental experiences at advertising agencies. In fact no different than the basic experience of myself in school. I have seen that it was all about the money and being in advertising/marketing made it schizophrenic to say the least. I have seen what paying bills was like for my parents and that stress about money is the Nr.1 cause of death. I feared these insights. I have suppressed my fears and the experience of myself within it completely.  

So in my working career (in times where the economy still had room to blow) the energetics would sort of be 'under control' meaning ignored. I was not rich nor poor. I got by, slowly allowing myself to drown in my daily routine consumed by work as I tried to stay on the game. This is how grumpy old men are born. I allowed myself to become this compressed spring of negativity. I was an adrenaline junkie so I would of coarse try to release the tension and compensate this negativity with thrills or by suppressing it with cannabis or both in short succession.

So cheerfulness for me is simply the flip side of depression and vice versa. I can bring it all back to my summer holidays. The high of expansion when the holidays started. The way down as compression as the holidays came to an end. Within this it's interesting to observe the post holiday play outs within our relationships. We all sort of travels a long this up and down scale of stress and relaxation and within this energetic game of ping pong we sometimes experience ourselves as this physical relaxation. We become aware of the stress on a physical level and start to notice how fucking tensed up we are. This can be a shocking realization. Like I had when I had my first yoga lesson after my first burn out. I'm not surprised people often get heart attacks within the first few days of their vacations. I think those are simply shocking realizations of meeting the physical during a brake from the mind program. The pressure drops and the whole thing pops.

I did not die during holidays. I jumped of bridges. I ride my bike as fast as I could. I went climbing and did stupid things in general. All to create that buzz of adrenaline to prep myself because somewhere inside the pressure cooker was the reality of having to get back out there that self created framework of the daily routine. Work! Making money! The CONversations I had about my holidays speak for themselves. The post holiday depression is a sign of pure decadence and self diminishment. I'm looking at myself as a happiness machine.

Ones the word 'cheerful' was an expression of sheer self enjoyment. Getting my hands full of mud for the first time or my first whistle. Or the first time I rode a bike. As a toddler I connected no 'values' to these experiences. They where enjoyable physical experiences. Over time merging with these patterns I have allowed myself to become stress that needs a release. In fact it's like walking. It looks like something but one is actually falling from one step to the other. In that sense life is permanently unstable and I accepted that as the daily reality of me. Without the Desteni material I would not have been able to see these point. How would I have been able to see if all I do is make projections? All because I was educated to value positivity more than negativity.

I have payed enough attention in school to know that 1+1=2 and I see and realize that the second one has to come from somewhere. So if I focus on using my resources to generate more positive energy I'm actually creating negative energy by depleting my resources. SO the more I focus on this so called happiness or cheerful state of mind the bigger my depression or loopback is going to be. It's strange how I never saw behind the veil of such a simple equation. From this perspective it makes sense that if one is not participating in cheerfulness this will often trigger a negative response. "What's wrong?", "Why don't you join the party?", "Are you depressed?". I see it as simple science. If I'm more charged and expanded than my surroundings my surroundings will have to adapt in order to balance out my presence. I read somewhere that a lot of stand up comedians are primarily depressed and if this is so it makes total sense to me. 

So friday comes and I see myself having that stiff drink. Ad a little alcohol to the mix and it becomes painfully clear how fucked we are within this permanent polarity play. It becomes clear that I'm nothing more than an induction engine producing positive energy thus mining the negative creating holes of negative space that will have to collapse sooner or later. If that happens then they are the earthquakes that rippled through my life. Engines create friction so eventually they wear out. That's exactly what I am doing. I run until I run no more.

To me this makes clear that striving for this cheerfulness or positive energy is exactly the same as drilling for oil. It has to come from somewhere and it will leave an empty space at the same time it will cost some to get it. So striving for positivity will create more negativity because it needs 'investment'. To lend money will cost money it's that simple. So when I meet someone who is depressed I can only conclude that I'm looking at the manifested consequence of my own cheerful incentives and when I allow myself to feel depressed I'm simply experiencing a cold turkey moment of being without my positivity dope. Missing the most elemental point that is me here breathing.

Within this I see realize and understand that it's of utmost importance to become stable and to remain stable. To observe myself and not allow myself to fool myself in thinking that doing my job or taking a brake is to be judged like I judge everything all the time as a positive or negative. That stability means to be here within every breath able to observe myself within these energy play outs between the positive and negative within my reality in the first place. How can I act if I do not see? 

Within this I see and realize that every time I make an investment the money has to come from somewhere. Every cheerful moment will create it's opposite as debt and as long as debt is there I will have to pay my interest. That's how this system works. So positivity like lending money is something I consume and it will consume me doing so. It's the law.

Within this perspective I experience myself a bit lost because I'm part of that system that is going haywire as we speak because more people want to feel positive so the production of negativity is going through the roof. This happens with devastating consequences that are already starting to manifest explicitly. Reality as such is collapsing and the holes are too big to be filled. We all see this and are so scared of these black holes of negativity that we look the other way. Like all others I'm faced with these points and the way I have participated within this. I'm part of the problem and I can see that I'm responsible for my part of the fuckup. Taking responsibility that's another story though.

So here I am this spiritual positivity junkie that's looking for the positive experience together with other junkies and the drugs are running out. What happens when drugs run out and everyone present is a junkie?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop a resistance towards school.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop a resistance towards education.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop a resistance towards institutes of education and knowledge

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop a resistance towards teachers and figures of authority in general

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop a resistance towards ambition and ambitious people judging them as collaborators with the powers that enslave not seeing realizing that within doing so I'm enslaving myself by giving all my power and self direction away to the mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop a resistance towards repetition and discipline not seeing realizing that I am actually a robot that is repeating himself disciplined in every possible way lol

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect cheerfulness with succeeding thus with money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize that to connect cheerfulness to success to money is to connect depression with debt

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to program myself and become automated within my reactions as happiness where I automatically experience happiness when I receive reward in whatever form be it a compliment or an physical achievement and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing that this hysterical expression of happiness is a positive feeling I am able to transcend to satisfaction as the expression of getting the job done and give to myself as I would like to receive without connecting getting a job done to reward or value within the construct of happiness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect happiness to reward or forms of payment or compensation for time and or money invested seeing realizing that making happiness part of the money system is creating debt thus sadness as well

I commit myself to when and as I see myself go to the feeling state of happiness breath and bring myself here to investigate the energetic nature of this happiness within and as the addiction to positivity and within that remind myself that there is nothing 'wrong' with self enjoyment as long as this is not at the cost of others io words giving it to myself as I would like to receive.

Day-027-A Stew is born

"A determination not to change my attitude or position on something in spite of good arguments or reasons to do so"

Arguments mean that there is a polarity between different points of view. ANd on top of that it must be determined if the arguments are 'good'. Who is going to do that? The ones producing the arguments? It cannot be denied that before anything else this is about good and bad, conviction and arguments. This is above all a match. There has to be a winner and a looser so there will be friction. Friction means that somewhere something has to create this friction. This is where I usually call my good friend Stubborn.

To change my attitude would imply that I must be willing to investigate the world around me with the purpose to understand why things are the way they are so I can investigate why I am what I am who I am. If I would do this I would soon find myself investigating and looking at the way things work and how I ended up in this particular version of myself within reality. Would I call myself stubborn at this point? Maybe within the point of not wanting to give up my quest or truth finding mission despite the advice of people around me that think looking for answers is a luxury commodity. I agree on that one.

Stubbornness as I live it always starts with self interest towards a point and then that point has to be defended for whatever narcissistic reason. A psychologist would say EGO. Of coarse and what is ego more than defending that what it thinks it is. Let me have a look.

I was not a stubborn baby so where did this whole thing come from? At some point I must have decided to use the word 'no' merely for the sake of saying 'no'. Maybe because my mother spoke it to me and I simply imitated her. 

I have a daughter and observed this phase where she discovered the word 'no' and it was within the same period she started to connect objects to people. We live in our house, they live in theirs. That's my bed and that's your bed. Its at this point she started to realize that the world around her is constructed out of  relationships. Every object connected to another object and the closest ones where those in her direct vicinity and that included me and her mother. The ones that used the word 'no' very often. 

How do I experience myself within my environment if I'm told 'no' a lot of times wile I'm curious about my surroundings and busy exploring this reality I find myself in?

At this point simply mimicking my parents behavior would already be considered stubbornness. From my point of view this 'yes/no' play out between parents and children lays the foundation for a pattern that becomes very much part of the person thus persona. Stubbornness thus is part of the identity that determines and differentiates peoples characters. My stubbornness is specific because it will be related to what I consider 'my reality'. Anyone questioning that is indirectly questioning me so I will respond to that like being attacked. I will fortify myself with stubbornness.

I am questioned and that means I would have to give answers. Take self responsibility for my stand points and thus question my self definitions and painfully enough those self definitions have become me. I stopped questioning them and that's why it's confronting if someone else does. It now has become a battle of ego. The unwillingness to change who I am as my accepted and allowed self definitions. 

Especially within the situation where someone else is showing me how I exist within this point. Where the stubbornness itself is directly addressed instead of being part of the play out between two stubborn people the stubbornness can then become a complete possession. I have heard myself talking crap not able to stop myself. Its like watching a psycho horror thriller and not being allowed to look away. It's a horrible experience but to give up my self definitions and face the unknown is even more scary. Thank god I learned how to be stubborn.

So how do I live stubbornness? Its part of my personality. My personality is al I 'think' I have as who I am. This is me as all my strings attached to the outside world. And somewhere I have decided that this is it. No more strings. This is me and this is my religions. This is where I am god and these strings belong to me and I am the one that pulls them. You can pull my strings but I will not accept the removal or questioning of them. My stubbornness as the fear of loosing these strings of information is defending the shape and size of who I am. This is how you see me. Part of all decisions made. My stuborness does not stand alone it's a premium member of my committee of self interest.

All decisions I made. Positive negative it made no difference. Stubbornness is part of me as my fear of reality. My fear of death as me the unknown, fear of change. Stubbornness is giving more value to my thoughts than this physical reality. Stubbornness is part of the ego trip and that's 'me' you see.

Day-026-my need for greed

From my present perspective I have started to live the word greed since the first time I wanted the bigger piece of a cookie when my mother would brake it in half. That first moment I heard myself say "but his part is bigger than mine". That's greed to me. Mine! Mining for satisfaction of self interest. Always and only at the cost of others. The opposite can be greed as well. Where I pity myself and manipulate people into helping me. Where my behavior turns parasitic instead of predatorily. Where I lean on the crutches of others so to speak.The word 'greedy' has an old English / Germanic origin. In Dutch we say 'gretig' which means 'eager' which can easily be mistaken with enthusiasm. And that's how I primarily lived and projected greed into the world. My enthusiasm, 'my into me I am'. If I wanted something I became eager to get it and as a child I already learned how to manipulate by copying the principles from my parents and I saw greed in everyone. The word greed was simply a description of behavior like so many others. It never raised any real questions. It was simply something that everybody did and it was how the world I accepted functioned.I was introduced and started to see more perspective within the whole construct of greed as I went to school which was a catholic school and I heard all the bible stories. So as I got home and my mother told me I shouldn't eat so fast/greedy it made no sense to me. To me being hungry and having an apatite had nothing to do with Cain and Able.Within that context the concept of 'sharing things with others' is part of every parents vocabulary and morality construct within raising their children. It's an exact copy of what my parents said. But no parent lives his or her own words within it. So what can we expect of a child? I heard it often until it became part of my background noise. I had my own priorities for I was greedy. Share your toys, the playground, play together, share the fun, be nice. Fuck! Share the so called peace. Yeah whatever you fucking hypocrites. And there you have the arrogance of puberty. The freaked out pubic anger attack. Where every parent get's his or her last chance to look in the mirror before it cracks and shatters the fairytale of parenting children in a world where all parents live greedy ever after. My child before your child whatever happens. Go and reproduce ye little ones.As far as I can see that whole concept of greed existed within me as the polarity between selfishness  and generosity. Where greed became my primal motivation to become top dog and generosity the way to manipulate others to remain in position. Not understanding both mechanisms so essentially I was clueless and fucked myself oblivious. That's another story though.Giving is an investment and receiving the pay out. One can pretend to give unconditionally but it doesn't take a scientist to see how we live this principle as we create our reality as the human species trough it. And primarily that's how I see myself reflected back into this reality where I live out my greed as self interest within all my actions. That's like becoming my own corporation.Within that I see and realize that the concept of giving as I would like to receive made no sense because it was never explained to me into specificity what this equation entails. My parents and teachers like the ones before had no other option then to follow their preprogrammed path of destruction.Within that I see and realize that I have never done anything without wanting something for it in return. If I found a sick animal and brought it to the vet I thought I did it out of compassion. But I also wanted to get rid of a potential feeling of guild without remorse. I programmed myself to think that it was my moral obligation to act. Where did that come from? O yes education and religion. Good and bad and so on. I was educated and already part of a living reality based on winning and loosing, power versus weakness, hard versus soft, strategic intelligence versus lack of information, men versus animal. I see that not bringing the wounded animal to the vet might have caused me to feel guilty. In order to invest in feeling good in the future I reduced my 'feelings' of guild in the now. That's like protecting investments through intelligence. Then I brought the animal to the vet instead of helping him out of his misery because I had this whole morality thing about killing. The vet probably killed the little squirrel in the backyard as soon as I left the building. A perfect example of acting out greed and how I as the mind build the corporate structure that is me. Passing on karma without even knowing what it was at the time. Lol!I could go on and on about my participation within it. As an example as I got my first job I was one of the few people in holland working with Apple computers at the time. So I had an advantage and I knew if I kept studying the software and stayed ahead I would remain the power user I was at the time and the reason I got the job in the first place. So I was very eager to keep my skill set up to date and within this I got increasingly more scared of the future because I slowly started to understand that what happened in the bible was also happening to me. That there was competition rising and that I had become part of the equation. It started my quest for answers and it also fucked me up career wise because the rat race is not a race you step in or out of. You participate or leave the stadium. If I'm not part of the race I'm not competing on the world stage and without greed someone else will do the killing for me. In that regard nature is less cruel than I am. Nature is what it is I want to be more than 'I' am.Excessiveness is a disease, like the luxury to live a depression. A few years back I was able to do so because I had some financial reserves so I could lay on the couch for a few months smoking pot while feeling sorry for myself. Like I had more rights to be depressed than someone else and with that comes the guild. The catholic dogma coming full circle. Greed and guild is what made the dutch one of the wealthiest nations on earth. Like a lot of dutch I'm aware that we are guilty thus have committed a crime. But we tolerate crime and thus we became one of the richest and most liberal countries in the world because we breed the greed to do so. Welcome to my roots of greed.More to Come. Must Watch Documentaries if you are interested in understanding reality:The Century of the Self: Part 1- Happiness MachinesThe Power PrincipleThe TrapPsywarHuman Resources: Social Engineering in the 20th Century

Day-022-About the money

This is a follow up on:
Day-021-I don't need your opinion I need you to get my shit done!!!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to relate everything in my reality to money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become unstable because I fear loosing money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let money determine my behavior, persona and base all my actions on money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect money to fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect money to my jobs

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect money to my company

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my assumptions about money on my reality thus creating my financial reality not knowing for a fact if what I see is what is in fact

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect myself to money and identify myself with money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within the money point always think about myself first

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear loosing my position, my stand out of fear of loosing money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect money to pressure and stress

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I have to get used to this reality, accept it, merge with it, surrender to it, don't ask questions about it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that within getting used to money I did not see money for what it is and created a pattern and addiction to money and thus did not allow myself to become comfortable with money as 'normal' part of my reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become bitter and judgmental towards money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the responsibilities that come with making my own money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not allow myself to see or accept the point that within every given situation it's me who makes the decision to participate within reality or not and within that I forgive myself for not moving myself out of fear of loosing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that the mind will never surrender thus if I want to change I can not allow myself to stop until it's done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear loosing all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear success as in creating a financial platform of stability from which I'm able to gather information and asses my options regarding my commercial activities as work and thus money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not slow down when the professional situation asked for it and within that sabotage myself within not creating a clear picture for myself as tasks of what to do and when to do them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not educate and train myself within the point of being realistic and allow myself to say 'no' in order to create clear starting points for myself and be professional within the way I communicate and go about my work

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to gather more information when I see I'm not having enough information in order to get my jobs done professionally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not clearly and specifically communicate with other persons in relation to the information I need to do a professional Job

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take out the guesswork by preparing my projects in such a way that it creates clarity about what steps to take and within this create the opportunity of choosing to abort or go ahead and in either case reduce friction between me and my clients

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to educate myself within the point of dealing with friction within relationships realizing that it starts with me and that I have a choice to be part of the problem or part of the solution and that I have not allowed myself to become effective within this point within turbulent situations thus creating friction and sabotaging myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think friction is a fact of life not seeing realizing that it's me who is responsible for creating friction by my own participation within and as my projections, judgment, thoughts, emotions and feelings and within that I realize I have never learned to identify these patterns and give myself a window of opportunity instead kept bouncing back within this point within my relationships

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict seeing and realizing that by fearing conflict I'm in fact creating it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict seeing and realizing that what I fear will materialize because that's what fear does

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resonate that I'm not good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear friction

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to identify my fears by making my daily writing a daily application realizing I can only give myself clarity by taking the time to sit with myself and write myself out instead of thinking about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become scattered within my professional communication because I don't allow myself to gather enough information because I allow myself to rush things and thus risk creating failure out of fear of failing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become easily distracted within and as the mind when other people share information in my presence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to loose myself within the polarity of work instead of creating clarity by identifying the working components as the specific building blocks of a particular project seeing realizing that this is how every project is to be completed doing things step by step in the necessary order

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize I can only create form if I'm clear about function so in order to let form follow function I have to create clarity and perspective on functionality first

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not slow myself down enough before I start participating and or interacting within relationships and within that not realizing i'm creating my own stress and anxiety by not making myself responsible for it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create friction within the point of creating to many loose ends within my projects thus loosing oversight and are thus responsible for creating my own chaos.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that professionally means to always take the human (system) component in consideration meaning that refusing a project because of unrealistic deadlines is also part of my profession.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to give myself total control over my own involvement within my work.


http://desteni.org/
http://desteniiprocess.com/
http://eqafe.com/
http://destonians.com/

Day-021-I don't need your opinion I need you to get my shit done!!!

This is a follow up to:
Day-020-Fear of success

Opening up the point of self sabotage further. I want too have a look at a situation at work involving the way I work. How I experienced myself within the outflow and the work itself. To start of I realize that my work is the 'money point' and everything in my reality is related to that point.

I only have to look at myself and the people around me to see what happens if this point becomes unstable. Everything as in my whole persona', my whole being becomes unstable because I fear to have no money. I don’t hear people about it but I see it all around. My money determines my life my world, my universe because my world evolves around me. It's my job, my company, my family, my responsibility, it's my projections unto my reality and it is my reality. My money or lack of it creates my reality.

I can pretend that it’s not the case but when the shit hit's the fan I think about myself and the money before something else first. It’s like a reflex and sometimes it’s not even concious. Within my reality I'm always arguing for my limitations because I fear loosing my position, my stand. And from where I am standing the point becomes most prominent within work and my working environment. There is always the pressure of doing things as efficient as possible because time = money and somewhere there is this primal fear that there is someone who can do it faster than me. It's called the rat race and yes I'm a rat too.

Within the current money system there will be friction surrounding this point. Money itself lubricates, the getting it creates friction and this is where I find myself within my daily reality where I have to get used to IT. Used to this reality? Accept it? Merge with it? Surrender to it? Don't ask questions about it? All this time all my life not realizing that within getting used to it I was creating friction within my relationship with money instead of the other way around.

Money lubricates the system thus it lubricates everything. No money no movement. Looking at it from the slot I have created for myself over time makes this point my 'bitter pil'. Reality is hard to swallow because it's unacceptable and I ‘know’ it. I educated and developed myself within the money point as bitter and judgmental and from these observations come the insights of what is required and I fear the responsibilities that come with getting myself here.

If I where a bit more ‘stupid’ or blind I would not have seen it and probably take the whole thing for granted and get used to it no questions asked. Yes the same old: "That's what it is children, better get used to it". I never wanted to see or accept the new perspective that within every given situation it's me who makes the decision to participate or not. That it’s all about my acceptance and allowances. I so much want to blame someone or something fore the fuckup seeing and realizing that blame is just another part of the puzzle and that I’m a part as well.

I'm shit scared to take full responsibility for that point. My judgment and assumptions make sure the 'I am not good enough' character is kept in the play never giving myself the experience of going all the way and succeeding by doing what is nessecary. What I'm starting to see is that the mind will never surrender so I have no other option than to never give up. So eventually It boils down to seeing myself as the mind that refuses to give up. Slow down-stop-give it up-loose it all.

LOOSE! WTF! NO!

Haha. So back-to-the-chat to work where I found myself again in a situation where I had to say 'no' and I didn't. I was asked if a certain job could be done in a certain amount of time. In itself a simple question. I was lacking information and I allowed myself (as so often) to not follow the elementary procedure. I thought I could avoid friction not seeing realizing that I was only postponing a point thus creating it. I can safely say I'm identifying and mapping a prominent construct within me here. In order to get things done I need all the information. From that point I can  investigate and make calculations which take out the guesswork and allows me to make a todo list and get clarity on the steps to take. It reduces the risk of having to abort a mission which is always more costly than not starting one.

SO within this I see myself having to answer the question of starting a mission or skipping it and answering the ‘bloody’ question 'why?'. Also not seeing realizing the point that giving myself the answer will not, is not to avoid friction but will reduce it. There will always be resistance. The question is how I am going to deal with it as in DEAL! with it. I see the point I created within myself over time.

As so many I fear conflict. I avoid it and I realize that by doing so I create it. I fear friction as conflict as having to stand my ground and within that allowing myself to think I'm not 'good' enough. And so I find myself struggling to stand my ground. Here I enter the point of self sabotage fucking up before I even start simply because I do not give myself clarity and allow myself to identify and step over my fears. And then I find myself juggling with the polarity of two components.


1. If I start the mission I create friction within the point of too many loose ends and I will create chaos.
2. Aborting the mission will create friction within the point of not solving a clients 'problem' thus create friction with a client.


(Fear component being that in both cases I will loose).

Within the whole construct is the component of me having to make a decision and loose or not giving myself control over my own involvement within the process. Meaning = to stop thinking and take action step by step.

I realize and see that I cannot avoid conflict when I'm the one creating it and thus become the participant and thus allow conflict to exist in this world instead of stopping it through taking self responsibility within this point within each breath. I realize I can do my part by redefining my approach to work and look at my definition of professionalism and not connect work to fear and as a consequence allow myself too loose grip on myself and my actions thus becoming unprofessional.

Why do I always start to justify myself for the ‘quality’ of my work within my work environment and why is it so automated? The reactions I sometimes get from so called bosses says it all. "I don't need your opinion I need you to get my shit done…." Eventually It's looking into the mirror of me, me, me.

Interesting within my work I need to think and reflect and come up with concepts that create polarities and opinions and perspectives and the moment they have to be transformed into money it must go through the process of friction. There seems to be no way around it. So Looking at it from that perspective it kind of comes down to my situational awareness. Am I aware of the situation. Can I identify all relevant aspects within and take them and myself into consideration within my decision making process.

apparently  the professional is not allowing himself to be one...

More to come

Day-018-Let's skip school and smoke pot!

Woke up this morning and before I had my eyes open there was this unrest within. My body felt heavy and not relaxed. My back was hurting and I had to start working on a project. It felt like being back in my schooldays with a party hangover.

I'm experiencing some of the aftereffects of sharing time with a friend intensively for over a week. I have to kind of set myself up again for work. Yesterday I got a surprise visit from another friend. I was a bit shocked by his appearance. He looked hammered. I constantly had this backchat that this could have been me. I was seeing a lot of anger within him and asking about it confirmed the point.

I don't see or meet many people socially but I have some friends and we kind of keep an eye out for each other. As we catch up on things in our lives the principle of oneness and equality and the blogs where discussed and I notice time after time again that the biggest point with people seems to be integrating the principle message practically within this reality as daily life. I can write my blogs and have an opinion but like anyone else in this fucked up existence have to get the food on the table meaning remain part of the crumbling economic reality. Survival comes first and that's exactly the universal point that keeps us enslaved.

So I see a friend that looks hammered and I catch myself worrying. I know it's stupidity to worry about people. It doesn't serve them or existence whatsoever. However one point I saw very clearly because I saw it within myself and that is the point of addiction and especially the addiction to conflict. Seeing everything that's wrong with yourself and the world and accepting and allowing yourself to believe there is nothing you can do to change this creates a huge amount of friction within, allowing the mind to build these huge constructions of self sabotage. And within that I allow myself to become very angry, short fused, irritated, depressed, sad, hopeless. The list is endless and the effects are devastating on the body. I became a zombie that was eating itself literally. I'm 1.90m and at one point my weight was around 76 kilo's and dropping.

One of the things I have always done in order to 'cope' with myself was smoking pot and by doing that I suppressed myself completely. I couldn't face the world this reality as what I had become within it. I accepted and allowed myself to believe there was no place for me in the system at the same time I saw it was impossible to escape it. I realized the system doesn't give a fuck. That's why pot smoking and alcohol are so effective in suppressing or releasing specific energies. It serves the hunters who are moving with the system hunting for profit. Less competition more kill. Stopping my weed consumption  was an eye opener. In fact it showed me that my total behavior is addiction based.

It's not complicated, this is the world we create to 'live' in. I stopped hunting. I became enslaved in my own head by moral constructs and projections about the world and the way things work instead of really investigating the nitty gritty of it within and as myself.

It's very hard to get to a self honest point if life is treating one well. I don't give a shit about the world when I'm stoned or high. I don't care about my neighbor or humanity when I'm ego tripping on my success in life. See there is no difference. Both equate the same outcome=ignorance.

My ego trip got me here in the first place and now you want me to believe it's all a lie? Well not to me it is. My success is fucking real you better believe it. I lost myself because I thought I knew how the world works instead of investigating if that was really the case. Doing so made me realize that reality is horrific and that explains why only a few dare to confront themselves with the rawness of this creation.

I realize that being in relationships to survive and being exposed to and forced within the system feeds the parasite that's the mind that eats the body alive and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear waking up to my reality of having to go to work solely because of the money I need to survive in the system

I realize that the principle message of equality is very hard to grasp when one is submerged in daily life within the system where every symbol and all we do relates back to the time is money equation and that this becomes who we are and express within our lives and accept as reality literally eating ourselves alive and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the co creator and participant within and as the system that is ruled by the 'time is money' equation and within that I forgive myself for not realizing that by participating instead of standing up for life for real I was eating myself alive

I realize that seeing reality as the overwhelming amount of information it is as distraction from the experience of self within creates huge conflict and within that only few can stand the pressure and friction generated culminating in ever more outbursts of extreme behavior in the world where people start eating each others faces in public showing who we are within and as mind possessed zombies and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a cannibal myself because I did not realize that by feeding of others I am eventually feeding of myself and within that I commit myself to stand up and give to others what I can as I would like to receive

I realize that fear is the ultimate system of enslavement and that reacting to and following my fears will eventually lead me to apathy and suppression where self movement comes to a stand still and the only option left is eating myself allowing others within the system to profit by taking my place. Within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not face my fears and instead give in to the self abuse of addiction to energy as conflict and substance instead of standing up to deprogram myself in order to become equal with life to create a world that is best for all

I realize that by thinking about the world does not solve any problem. Problems are solved through physical action which implies I have to become physical action and only through physical experience as walking the corrections necessary to bring self change will I be able to change my reality. Within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sit back and reflect allowing myself to start the inner dialoque distracting me from the work that simply has to be done. I commit myself to not postpone my physical actions, to stop and breath and bring myself here in order to walk a point I see in real time in order to change my reality.

I realize that getting to a point where I can face myself in self honesty is not I single perspective, it's a process walked step by step, point for point and only by having the whole point and nothing but the whole point by the balls will I be able to make the correct decisions in order to change myself to what is best for all and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the tendency to overcomplicate things thus I commit myself to keep EVERYTHING simple and walk from there learning to apply common sense to daily life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the effects of reality as a projection in the face of another being.

http://desteni.org/
http://desteniiprocess.com/
http://eqafe.com/
http://destonians.com/

Day-017-Is there something in it for me?

For the last few months I have been working freelance out of town a few kilometers instead of from home. This makes it a bit problematic for my dog who has to stay home alone. I could take her to work but it's far from Ideal because she would have to be outside on a leash all day. So my parents stepped in and said they where okay with having the dog over at their place during the day. Our family had dogs as long as I can remember so my parents are more than comfortable around dogs. My mother has a slight problem with her hips so my father is the one who takes the dog for a little stroll around lunch.

The dog loves to stay at my parents I can tell because she communicates it as soon as she knows we are heading for my parents house. One could say the dog and my parents 'love' each other.

Now I'm having a friend over from Amsterdam and we decided it might be a good Idea to take a road trip up to amsterdam to look at this friends new house that was just finished. So I need someone to take care of the dog. My brother is on holiday so I see myself calling my parents to ask if it's possible to take care of my dog for a night. My dad picks up the phone and tells me it's not a problem.

When I arrive to drop of my dog I start small talking with my dad who's finishing up a paint job. Then my mother comes into the room. Her face frowned, and she looks irritated. So there must be something on her mind. And yes within a few sentences she more or less shares that she is not ok with the dog staying. I say "ok" only problem is that I already got the 'go' ahead from dad and I'm about ten minutes from leaving for Amsterdam. So I ask about the problem/friction between her and my dad.

So she starts making her point(s) and within this starts ranting as I have heard her rant a thousand times before. That stuff in my life is not her responsibility and that she's ok with the dog staying during the week but not in the weekends, only in emergency's and so forth. Her frustration and anger starts seeping trough and the stream of information becomes ever more emotional/energized. I can feel the surge within myself as well so I realize I have to stop my participation within this and take corrective action.

First of I need to clarify, so I ask If the deal is of and if I should I make other arrangements? I'm not getting a straight answer, instead I get more ranting. I listen a bit more take a breath and ask again; "Should I make other arrangements?" Apparently it irritates her that I'm not participating within the argument and words spoken and that I'm not as reactive as I would normally be. Instead I stick to the binary equation of dog stay–dog go. So again I state that I want to take action and make other arrangements if she's not ok with the situation. Still no answer. I notice that she's getting even more frustrated by me not participating within the argument. Eventually she says; "OK but it's only for one night".

 -?-

A question I should have asked myself a long time ago. Why the fuzz? Why the energy? Why now? Why here? Why me? Why participate? Why this person? Why this point? Why this specific point? Why make it worse?

Walking home I ponder on what just happened. And looking back the 'only for one night' statement stands out. The question is about one night so why is the word 'only' used.

– 'Only'–

Or 'only' because it's you? Or 'only' this once? Onelie. Interesting. Looking at myself when I use this 'only' as in a one lie construction is stating that I'm making an exception. It's a hidden I ow you you ow me. It's a manipulation pattern that binds people within relationships within the point of mutual fuckness. It's a worm on a hook. A hidden agenda.  There is a pattern behind the way the word is used and it has something to do with 'gaining'. So what's the pattern and what is there to 'gain'?

I see that it's all about relationships and emotions being released. I'm not some guy on the street, I'm the son of the mother that has raised me and my brother and is married to my father for over forty years. A lot of shit happens in forty years believe me. So the dog is merely the trigger. It could have been anything.

Obviously something is suppressed. It's what people do especially in relationships and particular within family. You take it in, you bare the load. You stick to it through thick and thin. You take shit you wouldn't take from a stranger and sacrifice what you have untill… Yes untill what? Untill you realize you have been fucking working your ass of your whole life. Went through the pain of carrying two babies watched as they tried to find their way in a world you don't understand yourself and neither do they. You see your parents and family get old and sick and die. You see the world change into something that departs from everything you as a child believed in. You take on the role of being there for everyone. To be the stability point becoming ever more unstable yourself because all this energy is eating away at you literally. Then your husband get's his first stroke and you realize some day in the not to distant future me and my children will be all that's left. And one of them is this fucker with a dog and an opinion and it's my son. What the fuck?

Placing myself in my mothers shoes seeing myself having children that grow up in world that changed from a postwar fairytale into a consumer megapolis with internet and facebook friends. Is far from coronation street and the sturdy family structures my parents come from. Present reality with Television-feeds coming straight from the tips of precision bombs dropped from drones guided by youngster that don't know the difference between their playstation and workstation. It's hard for me to get my head around this shit let alone the generation my parents belong to.

The future as in now is not at all playing out like the cosy family weekends we had gathering berries in my grandmothers garden. I grew up in a family structure that dictated who, what, where and when very clearly. What I see in people including myself is a point where one gives up and says; "leave me alone, I had enough". Problem is, then what? I cannot simply stop what I'm doing. I created this whole outflow of events including my children. What the fuck! Yes what the fuck! Family and friends and the extend of brainwashing that takes place when we interact and subtly exchange and upload these morality programs as we develop our relationships. Eventually I will realize that I fucked it all up because that is exactly what I was supposed to do and now I'm to ashamed to admit it. In fact everybody is!

It's quite a fuckup and seeing myself participating and reacting within this throughout my life does not paint the picture any prettier. It's time to get to the raw experience of myself and what it means to be part of society within a family and the effects I have on the world around me within every breath. Every gesture, tonality, word I used to create the world around me and the effect I have on other beings as I constantly project and manipulate myself from the starting point of self interest.

You can stay up late ('only') if you help me do the dishes tonight.

See, where can we go from there? Let's start removing the blindfold from what is called the cornerstone of society and see the devastation it has brought upon humanity. No place keeps us hidden from the raw experience of ourselves better than a well oiled family structure and teachers coming from the same place. I will myself to embrace my mother and father as they where born from the ones that went before. I realize that the children that come will only have a chance If I create that chance for them by changing myself.

To be continued.

2012 the fifty thousand 'special ones'

Special education
Yesterday more than 50 000 Dutch teachers went on strike and filled the Amsterdam Arena. It was the biggest strike in dutch national history within the educational system. The Dutch government says it has to cut costs and although they (abstractly speaking) spared education, education now has to cut costs as well. 300 million euro's within the area of 'special education'. Meaning children with so called 'special needs'.

Teachers emphasized on the fact it was not about their income our jobs. It was about the quality and care fore those children. They where taking a stand as teachers guarding the responsibility they have as teachers within the educational system. A 'good' government should 'praise' this group of people because they go on strike on behalf of their accepted responsibility within society instead of their self interest. The teachers where even prepared to drop a raise in salary for part of the group that performed above average. This is quite unique in Dutch history. Back to those so called 'special needs'. What 'special needs'? There is this group of children and they are special and secondly they have needs. Am I missing something? This could apply to every individual or group in society. If you define parameters to groups you are automatically able to define such groups as special. Marketing does it all the time. We do it all the time. It's us that build the social structure. It's hard to see because it's within us and the way we all behave within the hive.

Soft versus hardware
Special education is simply a designed or designated target group like all others. Meaning that through the media I'm looking at part of the structure that is the structured systems. Because the system is based on profit this group is identifiable as 'not profitable'. It doesn't return enough on investment and has lost function within the system. Apparently the teachers 'see' something the majority is not yet aware of. The painful point within this and all the other discussions about money is the available solutions. The whole discussion is polarized through political motives advertised through the media to distract us from what these teachers 'see'. Cut costs here, cut costs there, discussions on television… All that jabber through the media advertises us away from the truth and the fact that there is only one cause and one simple solution to the problem.

This is not about Education. It's about profit! Within this scenario those 'special' children would not get educated, fall out of the system and start to roam the streets like they do in India, Brazil, Africa, etc. Then it's no longer a problem of education it will be a problem of criminality (it's how you manipulate a political agenda). What's cheaper? Education or homeland security? Politicians have known the answer for thousands of years. Educated societies are stable societies. So why? Where does this need for instability come from? Why is no journalist asking this simple question? It proves the connection between education and the media as part of the commercial machine within a profit based information system. A system that's not capable of taking care of this planet.

All work and no software updates
Instability eventually turns into chaos and chaos is where few make most. Without proper education humans become highly manipulable zombies. Where does that leave you in a world based on knowledge and information ruled by feelings and emotions of political polarity. Dare to ask yourself why we never had peace on this earth despite all the knowledge and information available to us? There is a great difference between a contract and an agreement. Humanity has locked itself up in courtrooms fighting over individual contracts that define specialness instead of coming to agreement on what's best for all. We have to acknowledge 'special needs' as all as one. Equality makes 'specialness' obsolete. No need for 'special needs', institutes, people, politicians, cars, stars and stripes. Conflict is always a fight over self declared specialness.

Understand that this 'specialness' is programmed into us as our ego as software and used to create polarity deceiving you into conflict that will eventually kill for profit. Do we bleed special blood or do we bleed just like those 'special children' with 'special needs'? More and more people wake up to these points as reality becomes more explicit. Take some time to investigate the options we have with Equal Money because it's such an elegant and simple solution. Maybe a bit hard to understand because we where educated to believe we live in a complex world. Eventually it will be 'equality' or death that ends 'specialness'.

What would happen if all teachers stop instead of 50 000 special ones?


12 21 12, 2012, 21 december 12, dec 12 2012, december 12 2011, december 12 doomsday, december 21 2012.

2012 are your children relevant?

12 21 12, 2012, 21 december 12, dec 12 2012, dD12 21 12, 2012, 21 december 12, dec 12 2012, december 12 2011, december 12 doomsday, december 21 2012.

Irrelevant 
Not so long ago someone confronted me with the word 'relevance' within a context I would never have placed it myself. In this case the word was used within the point of 'a relationship'. I wouldn't be able to crasp the concept of relevance within a relationship in the first place if I wasn't in this process of exposing myself, taking my actions back to me. To keep pushing the point of taking self responsibility for things happening in this world, in my life. 

I have never looked at relationships from the point of 'relevance'. Because one have to define relevance before one can use the word within the context of a relationship and I never did that within relationships. Relevance? Tell me honey is there any relevance within us being together in the first place besides good sex and being able to share the load of life together? Is love relevant? Is sex relevant? This is not how I communicated with partners generally. Though there is always relevance from 'one' point of view within relationships and that one point is always self interest. That raises the question about  self interest being relevant? Which can never be or exist within a relationship from a point of equality.

This was quite a brain-cracker for me. It also created a serious mind fuck for a few weeks where I was mainly dissolving points of anger/frustration like a child that cannot grasp what is happening. It felt like standing on skates for the first time. Can I have one relevant please? Is there any relevance within our human behavior in the first place? What is relevant? You tell me? 

Superpowers
To be able to stop participating within a 'relationship' from the point of 'relevance' as I see it, would require one to have a complete and total overview of ones actions and behavior within a relationship. Seeing cause and effect within ones own participation in past-present and the effects on the future. Utter self awareness within every breath. I couldn't grasp this from a practical perspective within sharing oneself with another person. That's ego off coarse because the only thing I have to do is place myself as that other persons point of relevance and look at it from that persons perspective. Time after time again until no longer relevant...

Relevance can only mean relevant in relation to… It must be because relevance always relates. It's 'created'. Relevance is not there in the first place. Relevance relates or evolves from and towards points, equations, formulas and principles. The more I pondered on the meaning of relevance the more frustrated I got. Relevance fucked with me for quite some time.

Unity
What's the relevance of you and me? Aren't most relationships a permanent polarity play between points of interest! Your turn, my turn and eventually our turn as a happy family. A relationship will be relevant as well as irrelevant from countless starting points. All creating cause and effect. Relevance needs to be connected 'to the points' = relevant. So one could say that no relationship is ever relevant if the parties involved are not permanently on the same page regarding their relevant points or what's the point? Is it just sex then the only relevant point is sex. Until sex is no longer relevant? Etc. etc.

Looking at my own relationships and the ones around me this point of relevance becomes quite interesting. Why do people relate? Why do people invest huge amounts of time and money into relationships? What fuels my relationships from the point of relevance? It's like looking at it upside down. Have I ever told someone within a relationship his or her 'presence' was no longer relevant? Not in those words I did. It implies I would have had self responsibility and would have been able to see all relevant points. Most of my relationships ended in spiteful, messy, shameful experiences I tried to forget which is impossible because the mind does not forget.

One could say that without the starting point of equality there is no relevance within any relationship other than self interest. Without equality all my relationships would become irrelevant sooner or later and that's not what I want them to be. What can I do?

What's relevant?
At present the whole world is fucked within this point of competition. Hair and make up. The next top model or golden voiced superstar. It's all we are told and we accept and allow our children to brainwash each other according to those examples and images we impose on them. Even if we present them the concept of equality and talk to them about relevance, what is there to expect without us as living examples of 'the principle'? We show our children that if we have it we are afraid to loose it and if we loose it we want to get it back. The perspective of our children playing this game the way we are doing I find horrifying.

It's interesting to walk trough a day looking at myself participating in the world from this point of relevance. It requires constant awareness within the fuckups I create trough irrelevant actions from moment to moment. Looking at relevance shows me that what is relevant to life = equality and I don't see any solution but an equal money system to get to that point. For me that's what makes the Desteni message relevant beyond any point of self interest or entertainment.

relevant |ˈreləvənt|

adjective

closely connected or appropriate to the matter at hand : the candidate's experience is relevant to the job.

relevance noun

relevancy |-vənsē| noun

relevantly adverb

ORIGIN early 16th cent. (as a Scots legal term meaning [legally pertinent] ): from medieval Latin relevant- ‘raising up,’ from Latin relevare.

relevant

adjective

the relevant page numbers: pertinent, applicable, apposite, material, apropos, to the point, germane; connected, related, linked.

2012 Is your ascension Guru on iTunes?

12 21 12, 2012, 21 december 12, dec 12 2012, december 12 2011, december 12 doomsday, december 21 2012.

My former Guru
There was a time in my life were I followed a guru. A spiritual guide as you will. A father figure for the holes I couldn't fill. Meeting figures like that in my life was very specific I can see that now and it's fascinating to observe myself within this point. I met this man via my Yoga teacher who was very 'into him' at the time. Being one of the last svara yogis I already gave him this aura of exclusivity before I even met him. My Guru was born and raised in India. At age 12 he met his spiritual teacher in the Himalayas and spent several years under his guidance. The Guru initiated him into the Saivite tradition of Tantra, imparting a rare oral tradition of sacred sounds (naada yoga), breath (svara yoga), and spiritual 'wisdom'.

The spiritual practices he imparted (sadhana) gave him a rare ability for chanting sounds and mantra. For millennia this tradition was passed down from generation to generation through an oral tradition which preserved its so called 'purity'. In the scene It is seen as a rare opportunity to learn the science of sound from a true master. Yes it's a very elite club of people. One can compare it to Aikido, KungFu or whatever club is elite in nature.

Coming to America
My former guru studied with 'renowned' vocalist, Pran Nath, and his disciple Jagdish Mohan. Pran Nath held fast to the premise that the expression of music was a sacred art, a spiritual offering and a deep direct pathway to the Divine. He also learned how to play the tambura (an ancient drone instrument). In college he studied philosophy, comparative religion and history. At age 24 he migrated to the States and eventually became a citizen. Initially he lived in California. In the 1970s, he frequently taught at Esalen and was a guest lecturer at Berkley California. During this time he played tambura with Ravi Shankar on tour in several concerts, including Lincoln center and Carnegie Hall. He relocated to New York city where he worked extensively with youth who were struggling to find their 'spiritual identity'. He became known as the 'holy man' of Greenwich Village due to his 'unending compassion, effective therapy and esoteric wisdom'. He was quite the man. He also taught classes at the New School for Social Research in Manhattan.

In 1966, he undertook an intensive pilgrimage in the Himalayas. It was at this time that he had a so called vision of his own chakras. This vision was the beginning of a path which led to the discovery of the components of his chakras. That year, he co-founded ‘Satyam Shivam Sundaram’ (goodness, truth, beauty) together with his friend and a Pundit. This organization was founded with the intention of synthesizing the knowledge of East and West in order to aid those seeking to conduct the principles into their every day lives. In early 1967, he had an 'intuition' where he revealed that each of the seven major chakras contained 21 microchakras and described the precise details of theire functioning. This revelation formed his basis fore the Microchakra Psychology system. This system (his system) he trademarked!

Building the brand
My Guru began presenting his work internationally in major growth centers and Universities, including New York University, Bombay University, Asia Society, De Kosmos (Amsterdam) and many others. He introduced a unique method of education for young children. His first open air mantra meditation concert was at the Museum of Modern Art (NYC). In 1968 he was invited to the neuro-psychiatric institute of Princeton, to experiment with the effects of sound. Around this time he commenced his international teachings in Europe. In 1970 he established his Center as a non-profit organization for the promotion of the integration of ancient Indian wisdom and artistic expression with modern science and psychology. This Center has hosted 'rare spiritual teachers'. It has also sponsored some of the greatest Indian artists to perform in the U.S. such as Pran Nath, Karunamayee, Kundan Lal Sharma and Salamet Ali.

In 1975, he was invited to the Royal Tropical Museum in Amsterdam to present his model of Microchakra Psychology. A department of Chakra Studies was created at the University of Lugano, awarding him an honorary professorship. In 1991 het met Dandi Swami Atmanandendra the foremost disciple of Satchidanandendra Saraswati, the internationally 'acclaimed authority' on Shankar Advaita Vedanta. He met SwamJi while walking in the high Himalayas (you always meet your gurus). His life and work have been profoundly affected by SwamJi and his teachings. Currently he has a world wide network of students which he teaches at various locations. He is also on the faculty of the Open Center, New York’s center of holistic learning.

The Guru and his teachings
One of the lazy students was me. I met my Guru because I was at a point in my life where I was completely stuck. I worked my first job. I started my own company together with my best friend which became a, let's say, 3 year learning experience with a twist. I wanted to give up but was too young according to the system. I had to be re infused. That's the point where one meets his guru's. In that state I started doing yoga. It saved me in a way sports have stabalized me trough the years. Yoga confronted me with my body and it allowed me to become gentle with myself again. It also showed me that when I used ego in order to get things done things would always be damaged. I saw a glimpse of what it meant to have patience with oneself. Anyway it was time to review things I had done in my life up to that point and I became very depressed. It was my wake up call to life and this reality, especially to the money point. I realized that my actions and approach to life had been that of a spoiled child. I realized I didn't understand the world I was living in and that I needed help. A lot of these insights I suppressed immediately because they were just too much.

That's when I visited my former Guru for the first time. From his perspective I must have been an open book. He has skills there is no doubt about that. He examined me thoroughly and as he reached a certain spot in my lower back he stopped and put his thumb there. I started crying before I realized I was crying. I never cried like that let alone in front of someone else so I was rather impressed by what happened. I felt this energy within and as an embrace and I was overwhelmed by this intense feeling of respect.

As I sat up and faced him he asked me if my father had been absent in my early youth? What he saw was the fact that my father had tried to raise me with as much freedom as possible. Which meant I was gone like a wild dog the moment my father let me out only to return if my stomach started roaring. My guru told me that everything I did in life was recorded as sound vibration and the more I did the more it would manifest as the reality and personality I was creating myself. It made total sense to me. It also solved my question of storage of information as karma because I saw sound as infinite. I mean where do frequencies stop? So I 'totally' thought I understood what he was saying. I found my master. I found the one to take the role of my father. The one that gave me the answers with that authority my father never claimed. I was deeply touched by this experience. I felt special! I was home and not alone anymore.

The ancient Indian metaphysics of sound, from which my guru derived his teachings, teach that the universe is created from sound. It conveys to us that earth, sun, moon, stars and planets are all born of sound transformed into light. The universe is a luminous whole with degrees of luminosity. In essence light is sound of a particular frequency. The primordial sound is sound without vibration. It is the static matrix from which dynamic movement of expansion and contraction takes place. It is the cause rather than the effect of vibration. This was exactly what I wanted to hear because it was right up my alley. It really gave me a buzz because I was really into quantum mechanics and I had just read Autobiography of a yogi by Paramahansa Yogananda. I really thought I had a connection with ancient india from past lives and that my time of revelations had finally come. I was 'energized' again. I really believed I had found a key. That my depressions would soon be gone. I had a guru now and was one of the lucky ones. I felt privileged and special.

Krsna-Christos-Christ-Christus.
Every Guru has his teachings like a bird sings his songs. Me being one of the chicks meant I had to learn new songs. So what was my Guru about. First of all he didn't want to be called 'A Guru' he always said "I'm a common man" (speak with indian accent). Excellent public relations we get to this later. Secondly, he never wanted to talk about religion. He rather spoke about 'spirituality'…

Let's take a look at the word 'Guru'. My Guru came from India so his tradition, his roots where from india. In India the importance of finding a guru who can impart transcendental knowledge is considered honorable. In Indian culture, a person without a guru or a teacher (acharya) was once looked down on as an orphan or unfortunate one.

Because I read a lot from the Bhagavat Gita (My Bible) I could relate to a lot of concepts very easily. In India the most famous Guru is/was Krsna, a horse/battle carriage driver who reveals himself as 'god' to Arjuna (his famous general) who finds himself in moral conflict during a huge battle/conflict. One of the main texts in the Bhagavad Gita, is a dialogue between Krishna and his friend Arjuna. In this conversation Krsna repeatedly tells Arjuna how important it is to find a guru and acquire transcendental knowledge from a Self-realized master.

What's striking is that this story is very appealing to the classical male loyalty and bonding expressions. At one moment Arjuna voluntarily accepts Krsna as his Guru. Also interesting is that you submit to your Guru and he accepts you as his student. The principle of equality is not present at all.

"By humble reverence, by sincere inquiry, and by service. The wise ones who have realized the Truth will impart the Knowledge to you"


Krsna to Arjuna 


The science of the Guru
I was convinced I had found my master. He lived in America, was modern and he had a great sense of humor. It was just perfect. It was not cheap I must say. He didn't live in an ashram so he had to travel around the world to meet us. That was expensive. He had a wife and a former wife with children (expensive). He ran an institute/company which means he had to make a profit. He was very open about this stuff and because he wasn't a guru he had no moral issues with making money. My spiritual master and I had a business deal. Like I said he was very modern. The basis of his teachings have to do with Prana and Apana. His observation was this: Between the cells of our physical body there is considerable space. This space is pervaded by two invisible bodies just as radio waves pervade the “solid” walls of a room. Ancient Indian teachings call the first invisible body, the subtle body. It is the seat of our feelings. The second invisible body pervades both the physical body and the subtle body. It is called the causal body and is the origin of our thoughts. The subtle body has seven major spinning wheels of energy (chakras) which obtain most of their energy from the five basic elements of Earth, Water, Fire, Air and Akash.

Elements and combinations of elements play an essential role in determining how we feel. For example, when Earth is in abundance, we feel solid and grounded. We feel confident. When Air is plentiful, we may feel roomy and more loving. Under conditions of stress and toxicity, the elements lose some of their purity and potency. They may then have a 'negative' effect on our feelings. A dispersed Earth element may make us feel weak and sluggish. Polluted Air can cause us to feel uncaring etc.


My Guru had over four decades of experience in helping people to purify the elements and integrate the three bodies. As a consequence, thousands of people have had the personal experience of 'strengthening' they're so called 'positive feelings' and 'thoughts'. Fasting was fundamental to his purification process. I did purifications where we didn't eat solid food for a five-day period. During this time we where provided with high quality herbs and husks, teas, vitamin C and special tonics. This process cleansed the internal organs (liver, kidney, bladder, spleen) as well as the blood and intestines. I was very much into this part because I could feel the results in my body very clearly. Those where awesome experiences. Other practices included synchronization of the brain hemispheres with the breath at dawn followed by dawn meditation. Prior to dawn meditation, a class of 'innertuning' movements and rhythmic breathing would be held. This prepared the body for the stillness of 'meditation'. There where yoga practices, visualizations and deep tone chanting.

Sometimes, emotional bodies would emerge. This was part of the purification process. Since all members where there for the same purpose, they would provide a supportive environment for each other. Purification of the causal body would purify our intentions. Interest in abstract thinking was enhanced. The desire to turn the senses inward was amplified. If everything went well, on the fourth day, purified energy from the physical and subtle body would be refined enough to penetrate the causal body.

The process of thinking itself would begin to feel clearer. Special sounds which produce surya (golden) akash were chanted. This highly refined akash pushes more dense and toxic akash out of the causal body. Consequently the breathing rate drops and participants feel free to meditate. I remember drinking a cup of coffee after a purification. It felt like a shot of chili peppers up my spine lol. My experience with my guru felt like coming home. I really thought there would be a day that I would become a yogi in some form or another. I'm laughing out loud because from my present perspective I couldn't be more of a monk. A Destonian Monk.

Guru CONclusions
Guru's had a very specific function from a 'spiritual' perspective. I'm grateful for my experience within this point. Going trough the motions of love and light and this relationship with the so called Guru. Having the luxury of a spiritual master and belonging to the spiritual elite that place themselves next too or above God. The whole concept of religion, believes and spirituality in general. It would have been much more difficult for me to grasp the Desteni message without these experiences. It also made me realize that spirituality fucks one up more than religion does. I realize that this whole Samadhi thing is a fuckup within and as the ultimate ego-trip. So from that perspective we are al Guru's blinded by the light.

Coming from the earth I would say our ascension would be to emerge from the mud to find solid ground with a solid principle of being here as self as who we are as humanity relying on equality instead of religion. That's ascension in the true sense of the word.

Study the Desteni Material and wake up the inner guru if you dare. For those who still believe we are going on a ride in a space ship. Here's my top ten ascension playlist for your mp3 player, in case you don't have a guru. A farewell to all Gurus that claim to guide you to the light. Thanks.

Two Lips/Rags & Bones Live and Cuddly 1990 (Nomeansno)

Big eyed beans from venus (Captain Beefheart)

No One Knows (Queens Of The Stone Age)

What if GOD was one of us  (Joan Osborn)

Thriller (Michael Jackson)

What have you done for me lately? (Janet Jackson)

I wear my sunglasses at night (Corey Hart)

What's another year (Johnny Logan)

Blinded by the Light (Manfred Mann)

Why Me Lord (Ray Charles Ft. Johnny Cash)