Day-034-My time with the special forces

As a child I enjoyed playing war-games. Why this is so is another story. This is about how I ended up with the special forces and the things we did as 'force multipliers'. The term special forces is a description for people who when combined become from a strategic perspective capable of performing very complex mostly covert missions behind enemy lines. 

We confuse the enemy, disrupt communications and are often capable of altering the scene on the battlefield. The strength is not firepower per definition. Its firepower combined with stamina, consistency, originality, surprise, speed, intelligence, psychology, know how and strategic overview. Manipulators capable of disturbing the so called 'normal' flow of things. 

Units are a combined gathering of talents and although composed out of specialists everybody in the unit is more or less capable of performing al tasks creating a bit of redundancy and resistance to failure. There is an aura of specialness but in reality it's simply a clever combination and form of people management. The rest is made in Hollywood by Mad Men, as we all know.

So a relatively small group like this can become very influential on the battlefield. Maybe that's why I enjoyed playing war games as a child. The hide and seek, improvisation, creativity and physical challenges. 

There is however a big difference between this playfulness and the hars reality of a real special forces unit. The mission objectives are always dictated by global politics and that means I will eventually be bound by rules of engagement. These rules can drastically reduce my options within my unit's missions on the battlefield. That's why we are trained to not ask questions but to execute. That's what we do. We execute and we will try to do that as efficient as possible and to the best of our abilities as a team. Time is money in the business. 

The whole honor thing is absolute hollywood bullshit. We get medals but are not allowed to wear them in public. We do not die for king and country. We die for our brothers on the team because we are are trained like that. If you spend more time with your buddies than with your wife and kids the bonds get very intimate and strong and you don't let your buddies down. The mission always comes first. Business before boobs.

The rush of executing highly complex missions under great pressure and being able to get this done as a team is addictive. The specific demands create a lot of adrenaline and that makes it very addictive. To get to a certain level requires a lot of training where one will make long days a lot of days. Hard to chew at times but getting the business done under the nose of the enemy under extreme stress is an overwhelming experience. Outsmarting the enemy is eventually what it's all about.

Being in a special forces unit has it's privileges. We operate in the system but always behind the scenes. So like our uniforms we are not bound by the regular rules and scrutiny of the company's doctrine. Our outfit is mostly mission specific and so is the equipment we use. Anything as long as we get the fucking job done fast and effectively. And although we are relatively expensive to operate the choice to use a good spec ops team mostly has a high return on investment.

The downside of being an operative in the business is that we don't have long careers. Most operatives do business between 21-40 years of age. After that it becomes very hard. So either you have some incentives going or you land yourself an intelligence or consultancy job. So like a professional soccer player you have to plan your career carefully otherwise you end up with a lot of specific experience that will be kind of worthless in normal life. 

It's really hard to adjust to 'normal' life if you are used to being in the company. It's an addiction and a lot of guys become very depressed and have a really hard time integrating back into normal life. Apart from living with the permanent imagery of the worst shit this world has to offer also few outside the company understand what is going on in the shadows of this world. And almost nobody gives a shit. That's why we don't care about politics or queen or country. In the end it doesn't matter because a bullet is a bullet wherever it lands. 

Every innocent person that dies because we have more firepower is our responsibility as a society but no one seems to realize that our presence in the world is a representation of us as a society that means everybody! The strange thing is that people are often very curious about the work we do and how we do it but they never seem to be interested in the nitty gritty. The why we are here in the first place and who deploys us.

Only the haters, the conspiracy theorists, and activists seem to have something to say but most of them bark up the wrong tree collectively. I cannot say all I want to say here because most of it is classified and boring to be honest but if there is one thing I have learned in al those years it's that we are all responsible for what happens in the world by our daily acceptance and allowances. 

It's all economics that decide where and if we operate. The global future of our deployment is decided by consumers today because the world has become geo political. Buying my daughter a teddybear means I have blood on my hands these days.

We have so much money to our disposal and battlefield strategies are not rocket science. We have become so methodical that there are often multiple scenario's unfolding simultaneously which makes it even harder for the enemy to counter what we do. But routine also leads to more collateral damage because routine leads to mistakes. Decision makers start operating on their emotions and are often manipulated by higher forces. Democracy as such does not exist. Killing people is eventually self interest period.

Most of my colleagues work for private companies that make shit loads of money operating on the edge of and often above the law. The mission objective is always the same. Create chaos and confusion. In that way we create an alibi for intervention. That intervention means running the show so someone else can profit from it. By profit I mean money. 

If intelligence does it's work, if strategy does it's work, if counter intelligence does it's work, if aggression does it's work, if all work together, executing missions, launching campaigns, guerrilla tactics, acceptable loss, ammunition, e-warfare. We talk about targets, strategic plans, central command, our mission objectives, return on investment and winning wars. Sound familiar?

To take it back to playing war games as a kid. I wanted to win and I wanted to 'feel' special. I ended up in marketing and advertising operations because that made me sort of special. One of the creatives. The ones that are special. 

The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. Not fond of rules. No respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They invent. They imagine. They heal. They explore. They create. They inspire. They push the human race forward. Maybe they have to be crazy. While some see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.

You see, before you know I'm quoting an Apple commercial. I probably felt so desperately inferior that I had to prove something to myself so I ended up working in advertising and marketing. Mainly advertising though and being responsible for creating imagery. The suits that are worn by the corporate story. I'm one of those guys that say  Zero sugar but keeps his mouth shut about the aspartame. That's the deal. It's up to you to prove me wrong but you won't. 

The fact I choose to burry myself in the corporate clusterfuck put me in some rather special ops teams and often gave me an insiders view on how easy it is to manipulate the masses by sending one of the teams to execute some creative strategy. It's amazing to see how creative people get If you paid them to do so. Investigate and you will find that a warroom is exactly the same as the boardroom. No difference whatsoever. Generals become CEO's, CEO's become politicians, Politicians become CEO's and we are al shareholders by allowing this bullshit to run reality as it unfolds.

Next time you watch the news and you hear whatever spokesperson talking about whatever, just pay attention to the words they choose. They will speak the battlefield language because marketing is war and we all commit to our duty on the battlefield. Over and out.

Day-029-Another day stated

Frustration as the consequence of stress is when I allow stress and that leads to me being ineffective in whatever it is I am doing because it's not me that is in control. Instead my self sabotage is doing so within and as the stress I allow to become. It's my reactions to the backchat of self diminishment and failure. 
Like in the moment where I have simply way too much on my plate and I didn't step on the brakes. I also wasn't as effective in my self management as I could have been. I lost 'valuable' time. Time is money. My parents have planned this midweek trip to Berlin for the whole family. Under 'normal' circumstances I would be really cool with this but now I find myself here within the situation where I made a mistake and my planning went down the drain and bam there is the friction of stress as frustration. Suddenly I see where I failed to plan sufficiently and realistically. The person who would watch my dog says he's not available for the full 100% so that cost me half a day to reorganize. On top of that it will cost me 50 euro's to get my dog in a 'good' place for the days to come. That lead to an extra vaccination for the dog thus a trip to the vet which was another 3 hours. So almost a day of unplanned activity had to be squeezed into a timeframe of 3 days I had to finish a job. Even writing this blofg fills me with stress because I have to get the shit done. Thus I have been working late and becoming very tired. Tiredness with me often leads to instability where I allow myself to be even more overwhelmed and ruled by my own energetics and getting out of bed like an energized zombie where the stress hit's me as the backchat the moment I open my eyes.Because of that outflow I again find myself within the experience of stress and frustration. I'm now rushing to get things done. My breathing is higher, I'm not relaxed and I allow this tension to lock up my body making the whole experience one of mental and physical torture for myself.Stress caused me to freeze caused me to not take on what was there caused chaos caused more to manage and within seeing myself like this is the projection of failure towards myself as lack of professionalism. I'm judging myself as not directing myself effectively and within the suppression of emotions that I connect to failure as self pity is the energy produced by the friction of stress as the outflow or my allowance of frustration because I'm not succeeding or producing results in a reality that is build on that construct completely. I'm rubbing against the system and within that It's okay to be frustrated. Everyone has it once in a while. Be positive, drink a few drinks, have a good time and get on with it. Not realizing I'm simply time looping into the next trap of stress and frustration because I'm not changing methods within the way I approach my reality effectively It feels like it's not working that my my efforts are 'in vain' while in fact it's simply me allowing myself to accept failure as an option. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am who I am within the way I handle myself within and as the energetics of stress and the outflow of stress within my reality as frustration and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing that it's within allowing myself to accept frustration as part of my reality I allow self sabotage to exist thus ineffectiveness to exist.

Day-027-A Stew is born

"A determination not to change my attitude or position on something in spite of good arguments or reasons to do so"

Arguments mean that there is a polarity between different points of view. ANd on top of that it must be determined if the arguments are 'good'. Who is going to do that? The ones producing the arguments? It cannot be denied that before anything else this is about good and bad, conviction and arguments. This is above all a match. There has to be a winner and a looser so there will be friction. Friction means that somewhere something has to create this friction. This is where I usually call my good friend Stubborn.

To change my attitude would imply that I must be willing to investigate the world around me with the purpose to understand why things are the way they are so I can investigate why I am what I am who I am. If I would do this I would soon find myself investigating and looking at the way things work and how I ended up in this particular version of myself within reality. Would I call myself stubborn at this point? Maybe within the point of not wanting to give up my quest or truth finding mission despite the advice of people around me that think looking for answers is a luxury commodity. I agree on that one.

Stubbornness as I live it always starts with self interest towards a point and then that point has to be defended for whatever narcissistic reason. A psychologist would say EGO. Of coarse and what is ego more than defending that what it thinks it is. Let me have a look.

I was not a stubborn baby so where did this whole thing come from? At some point I must have decided to use the word 'no' merely for the sake of saying 'no'. Maybe because my mother spoke it to me and I simply imitated her. 

I have a daughter and observed this phase where she discovered the word 'no' and it was within the same period she started to connect objects to people. We live in our house, they live in theirs. That's my bed and that's your bed. Its at this point she started to realize that the world around her is constructed out of  relationships. Every object connected to another object and the closest ones where those in her direct vicinity and that included me and her mother. The ones that used the word 'no' very often. 

How do I experience myself within my environment if I'm told 'no' a lot of times wile I'm curious about my surroundings and busy exploring this reality I find myself in?

At this point simply mimicking my parents behavior would already be considered stubbornness. From my point of view this 'yes/no' play out between parents and children lays the foundation for a pattern that becomes very much part of the person thus persona. Stubbornness thus is part of the identity that determines and differentiates peoples characters. My stubbornness is specific because it will be related to what I consider 'my reality'. Anyone questioning that is indirectly questioning me so I will respond to that like being attacked. I will fortify myself with stubbornness.

I am questioned and that means I would have to give answers. Take self responsibility for my stand points and thus question my self definitions and painfully enough those self definitions have become me. I stopped questioning them and that's why it's confronting if someone else does. It now has become a battle of ego. The unwillingness to change who I am as my accepted and allowed self definitions. 

Especially within the situation where someone else is showing me how I exist within this point. Where the stubbornness itself is directly addressed instead of being part of the play out between two stubborn people the stubbornness can then become a complete possession. I have heard myself talking crap not able to stop myself. Its like watching a psycho horror thriller and not being allowed to look away. It's a horrible experience but to give up my self definitions and face the unknown is even more scary. Thank god I learned how to be stubborn.

So how do I live stubbornness? Its part of my personality. My personality is al I 'think' I have as who I am. This is me as all my strings attached to the outside world. And somewhere I have decided that this is it. No more strings. This is me and this is my religions. This is where I am god and these strings belong to me and I am the one that pulls them. You can pull my strings but I will not accept the removal or questioning of them. My stubbornness as the fear of loosing these strings of information is defending the shape and size of who I am. This is how you see me. Part of all decisions made. My stuborness does not stand alone it's a premium member of my committee of self interest.

All decisions I made. Positive negative it made no difference. Stubbornness is part of me as my fear of reality. My fear of death as me the unknown, fear of change. Stubbornness is giving more value to my thoughts than this physical reality. Stubbornness is part of the ego trip and that's 'me' you see.

Day-024-Getting rid of headaches

The spark of life faces death
The way I see myself behave in relation to feeling positive or negative and the way others perceive me within doing so. This is what popped up as I was reading a blog today. Also an image of a heavily mutulated man after an accident I saw on FB kept popping. I felt quite 'heavy' this week.

So i'm looking at myself and my behavior captured within a moment of time where someone else is experiencing me in a certain way according to my voice tonality and my general expression. How do I experience myself within this observation.

I see myself getting up in the morning day after day with a serious case of morning sickness although pretending/acting out that I am emotionally 'stable' and seemingly unaffected by what is going on in my life and the world in general at the moment. Suppressing the hell out of what I really feel.

Waking up from the unconscious into the conscious and into reality can be a nightmare. So within my life within all I have accepted and allowed to happen and all I did to create my reality I also created this believe that I am who I am when I wake up. But who the fuck is that person waking up? Is it me simply here? Apparently not because I see myself wake up and for all I know I could be on drugs. And I keep reminding myself that hormones are drugs so me waking up is like a drug cartel waking up.

So what are mood swings? What is morning sickness? What is a depression? When I wake up I notice aches and pains, tiredness, anxiety, resistance. That whole spectrum of emotions and feelings as I become aware and see the picture carousel that starts too spin. I hear myself sigh as I sit up straight and stretch myself. I moan as I get up and feel my knees that need bearing replacement. Before I have my first coffee I already did this whole play of emotional responses and the only one sharing these scenes is my dog who does not seem to have these reactions towards reality.

How long have I been taking this character experience of myself for granted as who I am in the morning waking up. I'm starting to look at what is here as me within those moments. It's rather funny too observe. Especially when waking up with someone else beside me.

And this I find fascinating because as the mind I will always walk into that shitload of thoughts, emotions and feelings that are by definition there to distract me from the now as I wake up in the morning. Reality and all that has to be done to stay on top of the game is the perfect distraction from the experience of myself within. Giving myself perfect 'reasons' to give in to the ever present seduction of stepping back within myself. Hide myself within whatever construct of depression, seclusion and self pity I can come up with. And within reality it's one of the most accepted ways of getting of the hook.

I'm sorry I'm not feeling it...

Feeling things seems to become the new religion in this world. Either you feel it or you don't. Sorry won't be there, not feeling it? You make me feel sad? Why? Don't know but you make me feel sad and so forth.

Ronald Reagan ones said that recession is when something bad happens to your neighbor. Depression is when it happens to you. Within my daily reality I'm constantly exposed too and participating within these patterns and play outs. Although I see realize and understand that I'm not my depressions I'm still the creator of them within my participation and reactions towards my daily reality in the same way I create the 'look at it from the bright site motherfucker' and everything in between.

It's a strange and sometimes bitter experience to walk with myself within this world that is a reflection of me. How can I not be affected by the sheer fuckup I find myself in? So from one perspective there is nothing to be positive about and from the other perspective there is nothing to be negative about. Whatever way one look at it, what remains is me here observing myself within and as these expressions and morning sickness being one of the most interesting ones.

The moment I start interacting with other people it becomes clear. I'm balancing my scales. Within the participation with other people the subtle differences on the '+-' scale between us start to show. They show me how others perceive me and expect me to behave as a fellow human being. Within that I have heard remarks like: You look tired are you OK? You sound sad is something wrong? Where is that spark of life within you? Cheer up? These points seem to relate to some sort of invisible scale of reference.

Tired versus energetic
Sad versus happy
Spark of life versus the dark hole of death
Cheer up versus talked down

What I find fascinating is that invisible scale we created. A scale of reference that's part of the propaganda system of the power principle that bombards us with imagery of sex, love, happiness and success within this world. Where I permanently measure my state of happiness in relation to the scale.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge everything I do to an invisible scale

More to come

Day-023-E-value ate the money

I was looking at some of my experiences over the past week. A week that was filled with ridiculous deadlines, stress, irritation, tiredness, confusion, suppression and lunacy. All because the money has to flow to a specific point more than to another. Its kind of mathematical and I'm not talking about the whole planet although exactly the same thing is happening on a macroeconomic scale and because I am a participant I'm confronted with the 'value for money discussion' on a minute to minute bases.

I make money so I'm a cost point. One of many that causes stress. That's what money does and it's measured in space and time. I'm confronted with this principle within almost every decision I make during my day, in fact all people are. Even the ones that have no money are part of the 'deal'.

So like the ones before me I accept the shite as part of the package and although it has always bugged the fucking hell out of me I was somehow able to suppress the anger and frustration with lot's of distraction in the form of so called free time and entertainment. That pattern however is kind of changing as my Facebook page illustrates.

The past always visits me as I find myself in doubt during my projects. This week I got a vivid perspective of myself within and as the patterns I exist as 'personally and professionally'. I had a few volcanic moments and at one point. I snapped and allowed myself to become completely possessed by anger and frustration. It was not a pleasant experience. It disgusts me to find myself in that total possession and looking back I can see that trying to avoid the experience is one of the reasons I have lost or quit jobs in the past.

This week like so many before felt like being submerged in energy and I couldn't earth myself to remove the static. It's like I see myself go I know what will follow but I'm unable to change direction. It's almost like an addiction. No, it is an addiction it's a pattern *flag point. It's knowing only one way and being to scared to even think of another that's it. Today as I finally take this moment for myself to put one and two in perspective where I'm cleaning up my house, doing the laundry, walking the dog and I become aware of my body as this collection of tension is when I realize I'm actually the sum of my the parts that make up the equation.

This is my fucking value for money!

It would be extremely funny if it wasn't killing us. All this tension because we have bills to pay. Slowly cannibalizing myself as the days pas by. And it hit me today that it makes sense. What Value? From every purchase or every sum of money spent. Value for money is based not only on the minimum purchase price but also on the maximum efficiency and effectiveness of the purchase. The interesting question however should be, what is our 'valuepoint' of reference regarding value that is permanently changing according to our own preprogrammed behavior? In other words my unstoppable appetite to have more than others. I am part of the fucking feedback loop. I'm feeding the monster by my own participation. Ah it's genius we all faced the same question. Stand or deliver? We all deliver and fall collectively for the highest bidder which is our own mind.

There is no value and that's why it is what it is. Even if my life would be that of luxury and splendor there would be no value because value is created in the mind and that can't be done without creating debt. From my perceptive it explains the way I experience myself within my work. I do not dare to say professional career because what is a professional standard? It is part of the same value system that is part of the money system and if you have the whole of humanity including myself trying to buy more for less this is what you get. Over time no value was created we only created debt so I have no value only debt and it's so huge I can only pretend it does not exist and deny its existence because facing my responsibility within it is just to big and to shameful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become possessed by energy because I did not give myself clarity within the chaos surrounding my professional activities over the past week.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to panic instead of getting a clear perspective on the impossibilities of the work that had to be done within the given amount of time and take self responsibility within communicating these points clearly and effectively with all people involved.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not place myself within strict boundaries regarding my priorities and to be realistic about what can be done and not be done and communicate that, taking into consideration that the reaction I get might not be a pleasant one seeing realizing that placing boundaries will always cause someone somewhere to hit the fence within that I see realize and understand that I'm not responsible for the way people deal with their emotions and that it's not my responsibility to have all the answers

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not seeing realizing and understanding that one of my tasks is to alway be clear within my communication because without clear communication on my part there can only be assumptions that become projections regarding me and the status of my work

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within my work loose my professional stance



http://desteni.org/
http://desteniiprocess.com/
http://eqafe.com/
http://destonians.com/

Day-015-Branding a Jack in the box

This is a follow up to:
Day-014-Mad Mike as 'the adrenaline Junkie'
Day-013-My Adrenaline Junkie character

There is a scene in a movie called 'Tropic Thunder' where actor Robert Downey Jr. plays an actor playing an actor with a blown ego that says "I don't read the script, the script reads me". That says it all. Eventually my ego becomes so big it will become the script. I become the script without being aware of it. Looking back it's that point I see. It's my experience of myself in 'life'. What the fuck am I doing? Why am I doing this? Why am I thinking this? Why did I say that? Why did I do that? Not realizing that every question was a character I created. Perfect inception as deception within a near perfect maze.

When I become insecure or make a mistake I use my family of characters to express that state. My pack in uniform. A macho fight club called 'la resistance. Within that I'm mostly expressing some sort of physical confidence, a stance. This explains for example why within a group my fears of not being understood or not being acknowledged, lead to me becoming this ranting lunatic that cant sit still.

I'm starting to see this pattern and I see it exists all around me were we engage with people and start by asking what it is they do? Meaning, what kind of work or activity they do. The safest opening sentence apart from remarking on the weather. So this is where I Make my debut, my first impression, going on stage now. Damn they better remember me. So, OK, let's get in character and kick ass.

Someone told me as she was sitting on a terrace, when asked the question 'what it was she did,' she answered; "I'm sitting here". Which was exactly what she was doing – A straight answer. The guy asking the question was not entertained. Is that because we expect people to come a long? Be on our side and entertained? Within these few words spoken it's obvious that there is seldom common ground. There is also the hidden 'fuck off.'

Most people don't expect the unexpected. Although it can be hilariously funny (as seen above). Confrontations like that forced me to take a look at myself within and as the words that I speak. Where do I come from? What are my intentions? Why am I here? Within there 'lies' the confrontation thus friction with reality. Is it a point we all are trained to unsuccessfully avoid by finding those matching characters when we go 'public'? It's a point I have struggled with all my life and it brings me back to the point of 'success', of being a successful 'operator'.

I don't experience myself successful socially and within relationships. It came as a big shock when I realized how important psychology, social behavior, good manners and vocabulary are within the system. How closely they are linked with money, success and power. Within that was the shock of realizing that it's much harder to get to that level of discipline required to be successful than it is to be noisy and reactive — because nearly everyone is that and only a few are successful.

I had that choice and I choose to go 'full retard'. I took onboard the giving up character and it had an easy job coaching the adrenaline junkie. The adrenaline Junkie character is my disguise to hide the family tree of characters that make him up. I did not allow myself to see realize and understand that success and failure are the same thing. It's not that things do not go wrong. It's the way successful beings deal with it. It's in their blood to be patient and not become emotional. You take the blow, pick up the pieces and try again. I made it my specialty to create pieces and then sit back and look at them weeping in self pity. So let me look at how I made success the stone around my neck.

The closer my scripts are to the scriptures of success in this world the more effective I will be in claiming a piece of the pie. Adaptability as an actor that became the script that now reads the actor. Thus taking total controls of the p/act. Charisma is turned into brand value that buys more exposure and thus a higher ranking inside the pact of (successful) actors. Within this I see/realize that as I create characters, the more I participate the more inception the more I get lost in my own crowd of characters.

I can see why I scare people away. I'm mainly a Jack in the box character, a noisy daredevil. Daredevils do not project stability and thus will not attract stability. Daredevils are interesting eye candy. Fire works to look at from a distance. They are not a potential partner/friend to have close (unless you are a daredevil, outcast, porn-star yourself). Within the matrix Girls are always very curious about daredevils, the so called 'wrong men'. The ones that will hurt you eventually. Boys are also fascinated by daredevils until they realize that being 'close' to one means they are expected to jump of the cliff as well. Daredevils are entertaining but eventually it's done and the daredevil leaves the stage like a worn out gladiator (the pathetic character).

I have entertained a few audiences. There was me as the one without a clue versus the overconfident. These two sets of characters would permanently switch places like a superhero syndrome. People who 'know' me say I'm full of contradictions. I say yes, who is not? And as I'm walking this process I start to see that I'm full of shit as far as....

So, if I had something to say I would say it. I had that blind spot all my life where I just express myself and blabber uncontrollably and within that there is no consideration for other beings. That's the Jack in the box experience for most people. I have lived with this experience of being in the wrong place at the wrong time almost all the time until I discovered Desteni.

Success is an interesting formula. I see it requires extensive training from the moment one is born. I realize what extensive training is. I do not underestimate it. With that kind of training one have to look at who are the people that get that training? If, since birth, all my actions would have been aligned with profit I would have been a symbol of success. Within profit is no 'morality' so it doesn't matter if my name is Hitler, Lady Gaga, Nelson Mandela or Gandi. Within our Adams family it's still God who runs the show within and as 'the money rules'. Who's the most successful? Success is fully embracing myself as god as the ruler of my world in the name of profit. I decide who lives and who dies. Lucifer is just showing me the light!

Separating myself from becoming successful was morality. Somewhere down the line I became aware of the ruthlessness needed to become successful and because I am full of morality and drama I do not allow myself to completely embrace that role of me as god in word and deed. I cannot go into that character because I allow morality and judgement to fuck with it. I compromise. Success is perfection. Within that I see realize and understand that becoming (financially) successful can only happen at the cost of others.

That raises a question I have to answer for myself. Can one ever enjoy success at the cost of others and do I want to exist within and as that definition of enjoyment? NO. So I commit myself to redefine the word success to what is best for all?

More to come