Day-024-Getting rid of headaches

The spark of life faces death
The way I see myself behave in relation to feeling positive or negative and the way others perceive me within doing so. This is what popped up as I was reading a blog today. Also an image of a heavily mutulated man after an accident I saw on FB kept popping. I felt quite 'heavy' this week.

So i'm looking at myself and my behavior captured within a moment of time where someone else is experiencing me in a certain way according to my voice tonality and my general expression. How do I experience myself within this observation.

I see myself getting up in the morning day after day with a serious case of morning sickness although pretending/acting out that I am emotionally 'stable' and seemingly unaffected by what is going on in my life and the world in general at the moment. Suppressing the hell out of what I really feel.

Waking up from the unconscious into the conscious and into reality can be a nightmare. So within my life within all I have accepted and allowed to happen and all I did to create my reality I also created this believe that I am who I am when I wake up. But who the fuck is that person waking up? Is it me simply here? Apparently not because I see myself wake up and for all I know I could be on drugs. And I keep reminding myself that hormones are drugs so me waking up is like a drug cartel waking up.

So what are mood swings? What is morning sickness? What is a depression? When I wake up I notice aches and pains, tiredness, anxiety, resistance. That whole spectrum of emotions and feelings as I become aware and see the picture carousel that starts too spin. I hear myself sigh as I sit up straight and stretch myself. I moan as I get up and feel my knees that need bearing replacement. Before I have my first coffee I already did this whole play of emotional responses and the only one sharing these scenes is my dog who does not seem to have these reactions towards reality.

How long have I been taking this character experience of myself for granted as who I am in the morning waking up. I'm starting to look at what is here as me within those moments. It's rather funny too observe. Especially when waking up with someone else beside me.

And this I find fascinating because as the mind I will always walk into that shitload of thoughts, emotions and feelings that are by definition there to distract me from the now as I wake up in the morning. Reality and all that has to be done to stay on top of the game is the perfect distraction from the experience of myself within. Giving myself perfect 'reasons' to give in to the ever present seduction of stepping back within myself. Hide myself within whatever construct of depression, seclusion and self pity I can come up with. And within reality it's one of the most accepted ways of getting of the hook.

I'm sorry I'm not feeling it...

Feeling things seems to become the new religion in this world. Either you feel it or you don't. Sorry won't be there, not feeling it? You make me feel sad? Why? Don't know but you make me feel sad and so forth.

Ronald Reagan ones said that recession is when something bad happens to your neighbor. Depression is when it happens to you. Within my daily reality I'm constantly exposed too and participating within these patterns and play outs. Although I see realize and understand that I'm not my depressions I'm still the creator of them within my participation and reactions towards my daily reality in the same way I create the 'look at it from the bright site motherfucker' and everything in between.

It's a strange and sometimes bitter experience to walk with myself within this world that is a reflection of me. How can I not be affected by the sheer fuckup I find myself in? So from one perspective there is nothing to be positive about and from the other perspective there is nothing to be negative about. Whatever way one look at it, what remains is me here observing myself within and as these expressions and morning sickness being one of the most interesting ones.

The moment I start interacting with other people it becomes clear. I'm balancing my scales. Within the participation with other people the subtle differences on the '+-' scale between us start to show. They show me how others perceive me and expect me to behave as a fellow human being. Within that I have heard remarks like: You look tired are you OK? You sound sad is something wrong? Where is that spark of life within you? Cheer up? These points seem to relate to some sort of invisible scale of reference.

Tired versus energetic
Sad versus happy
Spark of life versus the dark hole of death
Cheer up versus talked down

What I find fascinating is that invisible scale we created. A scale of reference that's part of the propaganda system of the power principle that bombards us with imagery of sex, love, happiness and success within this world. Where I permanently measure my state of happiness in relation to the scale.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge everything I do to an invisible scale

More to come

Day-009-Can I have some privacy?

At home realizing that although I'm alone I'm also part of a group and within that I see myself in my kitchen alone 'wanting/claiming/having my privacy'. I'm walking trough the house naked wondering what I would do if I would not be alone right now?

Would I behave differently? Would I take on a different personality. From that perspective what is 'privacy' more than claiming a space for myself away/separated from 'the rest'? An exclusive form of separation by creating the luxury article of privacy for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act like a junkie thinking I can escape the horrors of reality by having a moment for myself, a moment of privacy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that there is no escape from reality within and as privacy, seeing realizing and understanding that there is no privacy within birth, illness and death thus my privacy is my participation within and projection of me unto this world as the creator of privacy as separation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that by living privacy I separate myself from the rest as a private not sharing myself my emotions, feelings, insights and realizations thus excluding/separating myself from the rest by wanting more than others as privacy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize see and understand that when I claim/occupy a (private) space I take space instead of give space.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my feelings of shame, frustration, anger and guilt for not living the realization that keeping something for myself as privacy is steeling from the rest and within that context I see I have never given as I would have liked to receive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for myself when others got something and I did not, realizing and understanding that I have never given the way I would have liked to receive because I always wanted my own private part within and as victory, to 'take' the win no matter what by manipulating everything and everyone within and as my kingdom of privacy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take on private personalities within and as privacy realizing seeing and understanding that by doing so I allow myself to create multiple separated personalities as different levels of privacy I project unto or believe to exist within this world and by doing so create points of separation between myself and reality as these private personalities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing privacy to exist within and as me, becoming the dictator of my own privacy as the creator of separation within this world as the gap between those that can build walls to separate themselves from those unable to escape the horrors of daily reality within this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have the right to privacy as the right to not be disturbed, not seeing realizing and understanding that it is me as my mind that is wanting the exclusive right to manipulate me within the seclusion of my privacy, seeing and understanding that within this point 'my' privacy becomes my own bribery.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that within the point of privacy I have the right to do what I want when I want it, seeing realizing and understanding that what I allow to happen is a full on ego-trip at the cost of others where I choose to replace reality with 'my privacy'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that the concept of privacy is an addiction to self interest where I choose to distract myself and avoid the rawness of me within and as the creator of privacy as separation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that no matter how high I build the walls of privacy around me, the certainty of reality will always be on the other side showing me how I separated myself within and as privacy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to escape reality and seclude myself within and as privacy where I claim the right for me to see only as I want at the cost of all others. Lost within an ego-trip where I can see and do all things my way.

I commit myself to correct myself within these moments of self defeat and stop whining about my right to privacy seeing, realizing and understanding that it's me wanting to close my eyes and not take responsibility for what I have created in this world through participating within privacy.

I commit myself to investigate, identify, expose within and as myself the constructs of privacy where I accept and allow myself to go private, seeing realizing and understanding that through exposing my points of privacy I expose within me the points of not taking self responsibility for the fact I am part of a group.

Day 003-All and Nothing

Met up with a friend yesterday. He's called 'All'. All and I have a strange relationship. Sometimes he's very supportive where he's assisting me to get things done quick and effectively. All helped me in a lot of cases where I needed to get things done. Where I had to move stuff in my life. He helped me get my work done, make decisions, build stuff, tell jokes, come on to women, defend myself, brainstorm, produce ideas and solutions, sports, school, relationships. All helped me to define myself in this life. All had a profound influence on my personality as 'good' friends do.

All seldom bails out of a challenge unless it's in his own best interest. In those cases friends sometimes loose touch as they say. In those cases All shows me his last name 'Nothing'. Exceptions aside All was and is always there to the point of being 'übercool'. 'But' I 'know' that nothing can be über if there isn't an under! So as with all good friends, the better you know them the more you see them and their bullshit. And you take the bullshit. What else can you do? You are friends remember.

So like all friends All has that other side. That side I call 'Nothing'. That's where our friendship is tested to the limit. That's where I have to assist him because in those moments All will not move, communicate, react, respond. All becomes the expression of a mineshaft. Nothing I say, think, or do will change that Nothingness of All. The more I try the more All will burry himself and me with him. All will be dead weight. That's when I become very emotional within my reactions to All. This shows me that when All is Nothing I get confused. I panic because I don't know what to do. I'm out of control because I lost control. I have no tools, nothing to fall back on to change the situation. I'm there helpless and stuck with Nothing.

Those moments where All becomes Nothing are highly unstable experiences for me. Nothing to hold on to or to fall back on. Helplessness becomes panic. Self movement grinds to a halt and the only thing I want to do is run. Disappear and dissolve. In those moments I'm loosing my mind as it is my mind that freaks out, looses control. At this stage I'm fucked within reality because I exist within a state of fear without any stability. I'm exposed as fear and totally vulnerable. Normally All would be there to bail me out but he's not here and I am stuck with Nothing on top of that.

When my mindstorms finally settle and I dare to take a self honest look in the mirror to face myself within those points of fear as panic and instability where I judge myself as the coward that ran. I see that there is no point in maintaining a relationship with All (or Nothing for that matter). That this relationship is based on abuse from the beginning. That neither All nor Nothing can be trusted unless my starting point is equal and one with both of them. Only then will I establish a relationship with us as a group that is based on a principle that is best for all of us.


-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become unstable within performing my planned tasks at hand

- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within wanting to perform within a time limit instead of gently and thoroughly go trough the process of working towards the desired result creating a deadline and chaos instead of substance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put pressure on myself knowing that that same pressure is what is going to fuck with me within the tasks at hand thus sabotaging myself before I even begin working on the tasks at hand

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not check myself sufficiently during my process of completing a task thus allowing myself to drift of into the mind as distraction into other dimensions instead of remaining here as breath completing the task at hand

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear opinion and judgement of others and within that judging myself and my output in comparison and or separation to/from others instead of looking at my judgement within the points I have in common with others and walk from there to see and learn.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others within their expression as language as the placement of words

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not slow myself down and take a step back before I accepted and allowed myself to become completely possessed/engulfed in energy thus loosing myself within and as instability and inefficiency resulting in chaos

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge and compare my writings and expression in connection to performance within the point of winners and losers because I see that this is bullshit where I accept and allow my mind to present my self honest efforts as a game of some sort making it acceptable to bend the rules because that is the essence of gameplay.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not allow myself to step back and correct myself within taking a break during work because taking a break has nothing to do with not performing and can in fact increase my performance if it's done in self honesty because taking a step back and pause can create a broader perspective within the point of seeing the bigger picture.