Day-008-Advanced negotiating skills and the road to succes

(talking to much part II) 

So I'm looking at this possession where I start to talk and talk and talk. A simple question like; "is it raining outside?" will become a speech about low pressure zones and humidity. Talking for the sake of talking. Where I miss a point and allow myself to start making this horrible noise and drift off into this strange dimension spewing out knowledge and information causing the weather to change.

All this chaos  instead of saying; "yes it's raining outside".

I know someone who's infected with the same virus and what I observe with him is that this mechanism of talking to much kicks in the moment he's not getting attention or cannot participate within the conversation because the subject is unknown. He sees this is happening but he cannot help himself. He will interrupt, change the subject and start blabbering exactly like I do. I'm accepting and allowing myself to be overruled by emotions of inferiority and self doubt which triggers this pattern where my mind will find a source of knowledge and information related to the subject and start spewing out words. These are batlle raps coming from the ego where I claim all the space not allowing the other person to just be. In fact ignoring the person the moment I start to rant. Not taking the person into consideration what so ever. My gift to humanity becomes this blabbering personality. WTF part II.

In a nutshell this is what I observe within myself. A mechanism to focus attention on myself with no reason other than getting attention and this process is so automated that I become the talk I talk. It's an energy addiction manifesting itself as verbal diarrhea It happens regardless of the consequences and it fuck's up important moments in my life because I cannot be effective within communicating myself. It limits me within everything because it's fucking up my communication completely; a point that really counts in a world of money and information. I see that being able to have a conversation that stays on track and to the point and that not wastes time thus money is key in this world we live in at the moment. From whatever perspective I'm looking at it it's stupid and it has to stop. I commit myself to slow this process down and stop myself participating within this construct of talking to much.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to talk to much

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste other peoples time spewing out verbal diarrhea as knowledge and information

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop myself as I start to talk to much and spew out useless knowledge and information

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to present a enhanced picture of myself in order to be perceived as something I am not, realizing that I do this out of inferiority where I allow shyness to become verbal diarrhea.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to what to give a perfect presentation of myself realizing seeing and understanding that I have no definition of perfection and whatever I do It would be a projection thus not real

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see realize and understand that perfection is a physical process and not something the mind can produce

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a screw up because I failed to present the perfect picture

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe something like a perfect picture could exist.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel embarrassed seeing myself within this repeating pattern of talking to much

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a bad performer seeing realizing and understanding that it's the very act of acting and playing out re-acting to my own energy that is the cause for ending up in this painful situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value myself as inferior for having self doubt

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the surge of energy that came up as enthusiasm while talking to another person

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to switch into or accept another personality to possess me completely within and as the point of talking to much

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the mistake of going into the old pattern of talking to much because I fear the unknown within as a new expression of silence within me

Day 003-All and Nothing

Met up with a friend yesterday. He's called 'All'. All and I have a strange relationship. Sometimes he's very supportive where he's assisting me to get things done quick and effectively. All helped me in a lot of cases where I needed to get things done. Where I had to move stuff in my life. He helped me get my work done, make decisions, build stuff, tell jokes, come on to women, defend myself, brainstorm, produce ideas and solutions, sports, school, relationships. All helped me to define myself in this life. All had a profound influence on my personality as 'good' friends do.

All seldom bails out of a challenge unless it's in his own best interest. In those cases friends sometimes loose touch as they say. In those cases All shows me his last name 'Nothing'. Exceptions aside All was and is always there to the point of being 'übercool'. 'But' I 'know' that nothing can be über if there isn't an under! So as with all good friends, the better you know them the more you see them and their bullshit. And you take the bullshit. What else can you do? You are friends remember.

So like all friends All has that other side. That side I call 'Nothing'. That's where our friendship is tested to the limit. That's where I have to assist him because in those moments All will not move, communicate, react, respond. All becomes the expression of a mineshaft. Nothing I say, think, or do will change that Nothingness of All. The more I try the more All will burry himself and me with him. All will be dead weight. That's when I become very emotional within my reactions to All. This shows me that when All is Nothing I get confused. I panic because I don't know what to do. I'm out of control because I lost control. I have no tools, nothing to fall back on to change the situation. I'm there helpless and stuck with Nothing.

Those moments where All becomes Nothing are highly unstable experiences for me. Nothing to hold on to or to fall back on. Helplessness becomes panic. Self movement grinds to a halt and the only thing I want to do is run. Disappear and dissolve. In those moments I'm loosing my mind as it is my mind that freaks out, looses control. At this stage I'm fucked within reality because I exist within a state of fear without any stability. I'm exposed as fear and totally vulnerable. Normally All would be there to bail me out but he's not here and I am stuck with Nothing on top of that.

When my mindstorms finally settle and I dare to take a self honest look in the mirror to face myself within those points of fear as panic and instability where I judge myself as the coward that ran. I see that there is no point in maintaining a relationship with All (or Nothing for that matter). That this relationship is based on abuse from the beginning. That neither All nor Nothing can be trusted unless my starting point is equal and one with both of them. Only then will I establish a relationship with us as a group that is based on a principle that is best for all of us.


-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become unstable within performing my planned tasks at hand

- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within wanting to perform within a time limit instead of gently and thoroughly go trough the process of working towards the desired result creating a deadline and chaos instead of substance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put pressure on myself knowing that that same pressure is what is going to fuck with me within the tasks at hand thus sabotaging myself before I even begin working on the tasks at hand

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not check myself sufficiently during my process of completing a task thus allowing myself to drift of into the mind as distraction into other dimensions instead of remaining here as breath completing the task at hand

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear opinion and judgement of others and within that judging myself and my output in comparison and or separation to/from others instead of looking at my judgement within the points I have in common with others and walk from there to see and learn.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others within their expression as language as the placement of words

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not slow myself down and take a step back before I accepted and allowed myself to become completely possessed/engulfed in energy thus loosing myself within and as instability and inefficiency resulting in chaos

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge and compare my writings and expression in connection to performance within the point of winners and losers because I see that this is bullshit where I accept and allow my mind to present my self honest efforts as a game of some sort making it acceptable to bend the rules because that is the essence of gameplay.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not allow myself to step back and correct myself within taking a break during work because taking a break has nothing to do with not performing and can in fact increase my performance if it's done in self honesty because taking a step back and pause can create a broader perspective within the point of seeing the bigger picture.