Day-026-my need for greed

From my present perspective I have started to live the word greed since the first time I wanted the bigger piece of a cookie when my mother would brake it in half. That first moment I heard myself say "but his part is bigger than mine". That's greed to me. Mine! Mining for satisfaction of self interest. Always and only at the cost of others. The opposite can be greed as well. Where I pity myself and manipulate people into helping me. Where my behavior turns parasitic instead of predatorily. Where I lean on the crutches of others so to speak.The word 'greedy' has an old English / Germanic origin. In Dutch we say 'gretig' which means 'eager' which can easily be mistaken with enthusiasm. And that's how I primarily lived and projected greed into the world. My enthusiasm, 'my into me I am'. If I wanted something I became eager to get it and as a child I already learned how to manipulate by copying the principles from my parents and I saw greed in everyone. The word greed was simply a description of behavior like so many others. It never raised any real questions. It was simply something that everybody did and it was how the world I accepted functioned.I was introduced and started to see more perspective within the whole construct of greed as I went to school which was a catholic school and I heard all the bible stories. So as I got home and my mother told me I shouldn't eat so fast/greedy it made no sense to me. To me being hungry and having an apatite had nothing to do with Cain and Able.Within that context the concept of 'sharing things with others' is part of every parents vocabulary and morality construct within raising their children. It's an exact copy of what my parents said. But no parent lives his or her own words within it. So what can we expect of a child? I heard it often until it became part of my background noise. I had my own priorities for I was greedy. Share your toys, the playground, play together, share the fun, be nice. Fuck! Share the so called peace. Yeah whatever you fucking hypocrites. And there you have the arrogance of puberty. The freaked out pubic anger attack. Where every parent get's his or her last chance to look in the mirror before it cracks and shatters the fairytale of parenting children in a world where all parents live greedy ever after. My child before your child whatever happens. Go and reproduce ye little ones.As far as I can see that whole concept of greed existed within me as the polarity between selfishness  and generosity. Where greed became my primal motivation to become top dog and generosity the way to manipulate others to remain in position. Not understanding both mechanisms so essentially I was clueless and fucked myself oblivious. That's another story though.Giving is an investment and receiving the pay out. One can pretend to give unconditionally but it doesn't take a scientist to see how we live this principle as we create our reality as the human species trough it. And primarily that's how I see myself reflected back into this reality where I live out my greed as self interest within all my actions. That's like becoming my own corporation.Within that I see and realize that the concept of giving as I would like to receive made no sense because it was never explained to me into specificity what this equation entails. My parents and teachers like the ones before had no other option then to follow their preprogrammed path of destruction.Within that I see and realize that I have never done anything without wanting something for it in return. If I found a sick animal and brought it to the vet I thought I did it out of compassion. But I also wanted to get rid of a potential feeling of guild without remorse. I programmed myself to think that it was my moral obligation to act. Where did that come from? O yes education and religion. Good and bad and so on. I was educated and already part of a living reality based on winning and loosing, power versus weakness, hard versus soft, strategic intelligence versus lack of information, men versus animal. I see that not bringing the wounded animal to the vet might have caused me to feel guilty. In order to invest in feeling good in the future I reduced my 'feelings' of guild in the now. That's like protecting investments through intelligence. Then I brought the animal to the vet instead of helping him out of his misery because I had this whole morality thing about killing. The vet probably killed the little squirrel in the backyard as soon as I left the building. A perfect example of acting out greed and how I as the mind build the corporate structure that is me. Passing on karma without even knowing what it was at the time. Lol!I could go on and on about my participation within it. As an example as I got my first job I was one of the few people in holland working with Apple computers at the time. So I had an advantage and I knew if I kept studying the software and stayed ahead I would remain the power user I was at the time and the reason I got the job in the first place. So I was very eager to keep my skill set up to date and within this I got increasingly more scared of the future because I slowly started to understand that what happened in the bible was also happening to me. That there was competition rising and that I had become part of the equation. It started my quest for answers and it also fucked me up career wise because the rat race is not a race you step in or out of. You participate or leave the stadium. If I'm not part of the race I'm not competing on the world stage and without greed someone else will do the killing for me. In that regard nature is less cruel than I am. Nature is what it is I want to be more than 'I' am.Excessiveness is a disease, like the luxury to live a depression. A few years back I was able to do so because I had some financial reserves so I could lay on the couch for a few months smoking pot while feeling sorry for myself. Like I had more rights to be depressed than someone else and with that comes the guild. The catholic dogma coming full circle. Greed and guild is what made the dutch one of the wealthiest nations on earth. Like a lot of dutch I'm aware that we are guilty thus have committed a crime. But we tolerate crime and thus we became one of the richest and most liberal countries in the world because we breed the greed to do so. Welcome to my roots of greed.More to Come. Must Watch Documentaries if you are interested in understanding reality:The Century of the Self: Part 1- Happiness MachinesThe Power PrincipleThe TrapPsywarHuman Resources: Social Engineering in the 20th Century

Day-008-Advanced negotiating skills and the road to succes

(talking to much part II) 

So I'm looking at this possession where I start to talk and talk and talk. A simple question like; "is it raining outside?" will become a speech about low pressure zones and humidity. Talking for the sake of talking. Where I miss a point and allow myself to start making this horrible noise and drift off into this strange dimension spewing out knowledge and information causing the weather to change.

All this chaos  instead of saying; "yes it's raining outside".

I know someone who's infected with the same virus and what I observe with him is that this mechanism of talking to much kicks in the moment he's not getting attention or cannot participate within the conversation because the subject is unknown. He sees this is happening but he cannot help himself. He will interrupt, change the subject and start blabbering exactly like I do. I'm accepting and allowing myself to be overruled by emotions of inferiority and self doubt which triggers this pattern where my mind will find a source of knowledge and information related to the subject and start spewing out words. These are batlle raps coming from the ego where I claim all the space not allowing the other person to just be. In fact ignoring the person the moment I start to rant. Not taking the person into consideration what so ever. My gift to humanity becomes this blabbering personality. WTF part II.

In a nutshell this is what I observe within myself. A mechanism to focus attention on myself with no reason other than getting attention and this process is so automated that I become the talk I talk. It's an energy addiction manifesting itself as verbal diarrhea It happens regardless of the consequences and it fuck's up important moments in my life because I cannot be effective within communicating myself. It limits me within everything because it's fucking up my communication completely; a point that really counts in a world of money and information. I see that being able to have a conversation that stays on track and to the point and that not wastes time thus money is key in this world we live in at the moment. From whatever perspective I'm looking at it it's stupid and it has to stop. I commit myself to slow this process down and stop myself participating within this construct of talking to much.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to talk to much

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste other peoples time spewing out verbal diarrhea as knowledge and information

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop myself as I start to talk to much and spew out useless knowledge and information

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to present a enhanced picture of myself in order to be perceived as something I am not, realizing that I do this out of inferiority where I allow shyness to become verbal diarrhea.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to what to give a perfect presentation of myself realizing seeing and understanding that I have no definition of perfection and whatever I do It would be a projection thus not real

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see realize and understand that perfection is a physical process and not something the mind can produce

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a screw up because I failed to present the perfect picture

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe something like a perfect picture could exist.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel embarrassed seeing myself within this repeating pattern of talking to much

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a bad performer seeing realizing and understanding that it's the very act of acting and playing out re-acting to my own energy that is the cause for ending up in this painful situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value myself as inferior for having self doubt

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the surge of energy that came up as enthusiasm while talking to another person

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to switch into or accept another personality to possess me completely within and as the point of talking to much

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the mistake of going into the old pattern of talking to much because I fear the unknown within as a new expression of silence within me

30 05 2012-I talk to much

I have been in this situation so often it's becoming ridiculous. I have to take this point by the balls because it's starting to really bug the hell out of me.  Ok, first of all it's painful to admit that I talk 'too much'! Yes I'm that person that starts talking and then you wonder what the fuck is this guy going on about? I'm the fucker that usually spoils the 'party'. Taxi we are leaving? I start and don't stop. I'm capable of having a conversation and then start monologging like a villain to a superhero. I'm aware I'm doing this. However I keep talking. WTF! Why is it that I know I talk too much? And why is my ego interfering at the moment. Because I didn't gave a perfect presentation of myself. I was not the man I wanted to present. I wanted to be something I'm not (yet). I didn't want to be that guy that talked to much. I don't even know if the person enjoyed my company. Could be or not be. Whatever the case I talked too much and I don't feel good about it and that is an emotional response so let me investigate that shit.

I know some people tend to find me interesting enough to start a conversation. I'm not rich, so they are not after my money. The looks? Don't think so. I don't have to hide myself but Tom Ford has nothing on me. All I know is that I have a mode where I talk to fucking much. Why? See me. Here I am. I have a voice. I do exist. I have an opinion. I'm capable of understanding fairly complex concepts so I'm not stupid. I like your companionship now let me entertain you so you be entertained. Don't leave your seat and please stay for the second act. Don't leave me in this empty theater called my restless mind where I don't know what to do with myself. I might have an overwhelming urge to present myself but I have a big enough inferiority complex to use as an excuse. Sorry that's how I am, can't help myself now let me be and swarm in self doubt, sorry, self reflection. That sounds much more grown up doesn't it you innocent ego you are.

I had a very pleasant encounter with another dog owner. We let the dogs play around and as we where sitting by the water listening to our dog stories we talked about dogs and we where enjoying the expression of the dogs playing around. It soon became clear that we had a openness we shared towards one another because It was very easy to talk. I didn't experience the reservedness I mostly encounter when I meet people in public. Often people are closed up and don't want to share themselves and it's a robotic hello, nice weather and goodbye. So as we talked it soon became clear we had some things in common. I was invited for coffee so we walked to her house where the conversation continued. We both are from the same village and it became clear we are related as family. Which explained the resonance I felt with this person. However as more and more facts where shared I somehow ignored the energy surge within me that came up as enthusiasm. I accepted and allowed myself to switch into that personality of myself as the orator telling stories because I want to tell the stories. I became A blabbering waterfall of verbal entertainment diarrhea. This person might have had a different experience I am absolutely sure I allowed myself to get possessed. I gave myself a finger and I had to take the whole hand.

So I cant help myself. Mmmmm. Well I can actually. Fuck! I have al the tools at my disposal. I can count to ten, breath, listen and observe myself. Why de fuck did that go down the drain tonight? I made a mistake (again) how to take the next take?

To be continued

Day 002-Irritated

The point that really stood out today was irritation. I accepted and allowed myself to become irritated. Irritation creates a lot of friction so I really sabotaged myself today. I'm not working at home at the moment. I'm on location and so is my equipment. Today felt like everything was amplified. Noise was louder, light was brighter and time seemed to move faster. I'm now well into the fourth week of being fully emerged in quite stressful work with permanent deadlines and impulses around me.

It's interesting to observe the impact this bowl of energy around me is having on me. It's permeating my skin. Sometimes I can even feel temperature changes in my skin. I cannot run from it or shield myself against it. The combination of work and keeping stable as breath is something I have yet to master. Its like swimming where I have moments on the surface and then it's back down and being submerged in work to get shit done. In the process this pattern is becoming visible. It's an old pattern. It's the nine to nine pattern I had for a long time where I in the morning kind of merge with my work and the computer programs and come out of this trip at around nine o clock at night within this energetic buzz.

I'm working and my head will start spinning, my body is tensed up, my breathing is higher and last but not least there is this luring feeling of irritation. Its like being hooked with a thousand hooks and hanged from the ceiling. Locked into my place behind the computer calibrated to spin with the system and produce output. Feeling that whole energetic buzz creeping in and slowly eating me up. Today around 16.00 hours I couldn't keep my eyes open. I wanted to get out, go home get air but I couldn't because I have an agreement with myself to not give into resistance. And this was resistance for sure. It came to a point where I felt so tired I wanted to lay myself down on the floor. I knew it had to be resistance. My mind was looking for back doors to get me out and presenting me with this tiredness was one of them. It worked great because I really felt like I was done. At that moment my brother (who's also there) said "stop, let's play"

If you wonder why a lot of advertising agencies have soccer tables. It's because of this point. It's a means to an end. You go to the table and you simply create a shortcut to silence the mind through playing a fierce physical game of table soccer. So that's what I did and it helped me create that little space from where I was able to become stable and get my shit done. It's always the obvious shit that I miss indeed. So here is a great tip. In case of mental sabotage presenting itself as resistance were one becomes tired. Stop and do something physical. Jump, trow a ball, walk or ride a bike. It works!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself by giving into resistance presented by my mind as tiredness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drink more coffee than I had agreed upon with myself making it harder to remain stable within breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give my body the sleep it needed last night resulting in a less stable thus not preferable situation where I support myself by doing my work efficiently thus saving time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become irritated and expressing that irritation orally thereby making others part of my problem which is unacceptable as I should be an example as movement. Whereby I'm moving myself trough those particular points of resistance without any drama or emotion thus not giving the ego of the mind what it wants which is self limitation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry with myself as judging myself as incompetent or not capable of changing my behavior that presented itself as tiredness at the same time realising this tiredness was resistance

Relationships as hiding places

Being alone in a relationship

The past few weeks I noticed a particular build up of anxiety, a restlessness. It all has to do with the fact that my daughter and ex girlfriend are going to move away. The new situation that will arise puts my whole life in a new perspective. In the near future I will be able to move again. I’m less bound to the triangle of family as it is located within the present boundaries.


The realisation

In other words, I’m not bound to were I am living anymore. In the future I don’t have to be the standby father anymore. At least not like it is today. Apart from feeling guilty, sad and sentimental after the news reached me I also became very restless. Why did this happen? Maybe it’s because nothing is holding me back from moving myself anymore. Am I afraid of moving myself? Is change that frightening to me? Come on I’m the daredevil, the danger seeker. What is going on here? Am I stuck in a construct that I don’t see? Where is this fear coming from?

To adress
If nothing is holding me back then it must be me that's holding me back. So that was a tough point because I apparently fuck up when it comes to self movement. As an example a big point I am starting to see is the way I locked myself up within relationships. Within relationships I stopped moving completely. Relationships became a lame excuse for the circumstances I was in. A lot of this was on a unconscious level but that's no excuse for not addressing what’s presenting itself here in the present.

Why we all want families
Within the system construct of a relationship the load is shared so to speak. Look around you and you will see that society as a whole is completely designed to facilitate and encourage relationships. Preferable ones that make money and produce children. Relationships as a place where one is not solely responsible. One goes to work or both 'partners' work and the 'load' is divided. We go to work, make  money and start consuming as we get consumed by daily live. We do our part in consuming like a ‘good’ family is supposed too adding to the immense cash flow generated by family. The average middle class family spends more than 2000 euro's a month! Do a little math on that and you will see why family is called "the cornerstone of society" In other words, family as the ultimate cash cow .

'Social' structures
When everything runs according to plan the ‘thing’ becomes a well oiled routine and everyone loves that because we fit in nicely with the rest. It’s fully understandable for everyone because we all know that it keeps everything in place. Running a family is one of the most time consuming things one can do, there you go.

So as families we all have the same subjects to chit chat about. Avoiding a big part of ourselves in the process. With colleagues, friends and family we share the same problems and we eat the same pancakes. Yeah ‘life’s a bitch’ and the weather sure is nice today. Sooner or later we all want to escape but no one can and we all accept this as reality. Eventually one is either in or out. Remember that when you are 'out', life becomes ridiculously complicated. Nothing seems to be 'designed' for the 'single' human being. The so called loner and his or her relationship too the rest. Why is it called "a social structure" when in fact not everyone is included?

A being in love
Looking at myself and my behaviour within relationships I began to see a pattern. Off coarse the starting point has always been a ‘physical’ one. A sex mate (Can we mate? Can we be mates?). This part normally went reasonably well until the initial energy of ‘sex’ and 'being in love' had to be transformed into a workable relationship. This is mostly the period where one starts touching subjects like, ‘living together’, ‘careers’, ‘work’ and ‘money’. Eventually it always boiled down to money and last but not least ‘children’. I always began to feel uncomfortable and restless when these subjects were addressed.

I wrote about this before but what is interesting and the question I asked myself was: Why did I get into relationships in the first place? I’m starting to see that I did this solely from the point of not having to be fully responsible for what would happen in my life. I would always be able too say ‘“we did” instead of “I did”. So this point had to do with taking self responsibility within all aspects of life. So apparently I didn’t see myself do this. That’s inferiority isn't it? Yes it is. I’m starting to realise that I used relationships and sex as the ultimate escape and hiding place for self responsibility.

As an example it explains why I like to be around children but never wanted them for myself. I always used financial security as an excuse. This is why I always wait for reality to become unbearable before I start to move. Only moving because it’s a necessity not because one want’s to move. It’s not moving but being moved. Exactly that. Being moved, being emotional. Being able to say, “the circumstances forced me to make this or that move”. It’s denying myself to step forward and make mistakes. I have to be perfect or hide my imperfections. Compensating inferiority with bravado and perfectionism. All out of fear. Fear of being judged by friends and family. Fear of failing within the system falling out of the system. Fear of simply being here as I am as me. No matter what...

Kinesiology
To test these points I went to my kinesiologist today and in order to give her some points to work with I called it “testing my mommy construct" because that’s what it is too me. It’s that point where one as a child takes a step outside the comfort zone knowing mommy is there to run back too when things go bad and having a father that's gently pushing this process. Showing you how to deal with reality and solve problems in a rational and effective way. Within this construct I'm starting too see where my behaviour originates from. The comfort of my childhood was probably a bit to comfy and looking back I always relied (too) heavily on my parents for support.

[marking this point for my next blog entry]

The muscle tests
After being testes for about an hour the following points opened up:

The air element: 
Self respect, shyness, confusion, awkwardness, puzzlement, distrust, success. Coming from a highly unstructured background and finding it extremely hard to cope with reality, seeing / understanding reality as a child and being overwhelmed by it.

Succes
Associating success with money, power and evil. Spiting it thus sabotaging success in this point for myself.

Polarity
Being indecisive wen confronted with polarity: Independence, independency. Being self-supportive, self-help. Also independence manifesting as an independent attitude activating abilities within seclusion. Standing independently. I climb this tree because no one can do it for me.

Self-restraint (the earth element)
Coping with morality issues within social groups. Insecurity becomes self-assertion. Overcompensating inferiority with perfectionism for example in sports or work. Being a daredevil. All from being up in the turbulent air of polarity instead of grounded in earth. No base to operate from. No me just projections.

Empathy
The spleen point (milt) - mildness, gentleness and self trust. It’s only possible to be gentle to others or express gentleness if one knows gentleness as an expression of self. Have I been gentle with myself? Did I give myself enough ‘credit’ for achievements I made in life? Also self intimacy (I see in to me). Being decisive and take action even when unsure about the predictability of the outcome (just move).

And so on
So again a lot of stuff to investigate and another small step in birthing myself as life from the physical. All is stored within the body. It’s there to support us in becoming who we really are as self. The older we get the more information is stored making it harder to change ourselves as time goes by. That's why Kinesiology is such a great tool. Instead of assuming stuff you are able to test things out in real time. It’s magnificent if one dares to go there. Being in process is the hardest thing I ever did. It’s also the only way of becoming who 'I' am by exposing what 'I' am not. The Desteni I process is the only tool in the world that's flawless when one decides to go 'there'. It's no easy road and it's the most confronting thing you will ever do. But if I can do this, you can.

So please investigate who you are and join us: http://desteniiprocess.com/