Day-026-my need for greed

From my present perspective I have started to live the word greed since the first time I wanted the bigger piece of a cookie when my mother would brake it in half. That first moment I heard myself say "but his part is bigger than mine". That's greed to me. Mine! Mining for satisfaction of self interest. Always and only at the cost of others. The opposite can be greed as well. Where I pity myself and manipulate people into helping me. Where my behavior turns parasitic instead of predatorily. Where I lean on the crutches of others so to speak.The word 'greedy' has an old English / Germanic origin. In Dutch we say 'gretig' which means 'eager' which can easily be mistaken with enthusiasm. And that's how I primarily lived and projected greed into the world. My enthusiasm, 'my into me I am'. If I wanted something I became eager to get it and as a child I already learned how to manipulate by copying the principles from my parents and I saw greed in everyone. The word greed was simply a description of behavior like so many others. It never raised any real questions. It was simply something that everybody did and it was how the world I accepted functioned.I was introduced and started to see more perspective within the whole construct of greed as I went to school which was a catholic school and I heard all the bible stories. So as I got home and my mother told me I shouldn't eat so fast/greedy it made no sense to me. To me being hungry and having an apatite had nothing to do with Cain and Able.Within that context the concept of 'sharing things with others' is part of every parents vocabulary and morality construct within raising their children. It's an exact copy of what my parents said. But no parent lives his or her own words within it. So what can we expect of a child? I heard it often until it became part of my background noise. I had my own priorities for I was greedy. Share your toys, the playground, play together, share the fun, be nice. Fuck! Share the so called peace. Yeah whatever you fucking hypocrites. And there you have the arrogance of puberty. The freaked out pubic anger attack. Where every parent get's his or her last chance to look in the mirror before it cracks and shatters the fairytale of parenting children in a world where all parents live greedy ever after. My child before your child whatever happens. Go and reproduce ye little ones.As far as I can see that whole concept of greed existed within me as the polarity between selfishness  and generosity. Where greed became my primal motivation to become top dog and generosity the way to manipulate others to remain in position. Not understanding both mechanisms so essentially I was clueless and fucked myself oblivious. That's another story though.Giving is an investment and receiving the pay out. One can pretend to give unconditionally but it doesn't take a scientist to see how we live this principle as we create our reality as the human species trough it. And primarily that's how I see myself reflected back into this reality where I live out my greed as self interest within all my actions. That's like becoming my own corporation.Within that I see and realize that the concept of giving as I would like to receive made no sense because it was never explained to me into specificity what this equation entails. My parents and teachers like the ones before had no other option then to follow their preprogrammed path of destruction.Within that I see and realize that I have never done anything without wanting something for it in return. If I found a sick animal and brought it to the vet I thought I did it out of compassion. But I also wanted to get rid of a potential feeling of guild without remorse. I programmed myself to think that it was my moral obligation to act. Where did that come from? O yes education and religion. Good and bad and so on. I was educated and already part of a living reality based on winning and loosing, power versus weakness, hard versus soft, strategic intelligence versus lack of information, men versus animal. I see that not bringing the wounded animal to the vet might have caused me to feel guilty. In order to invest in feeling good in the future I reduced my 'feelings' of guild in the now. That's like protecting investments through intelligence. Then I brought the animal to the vet instead of helping him out of his misery because I had this whole morality thing about killing. The vet probably killed the little squirrel in the backyard as soon as I left the building. A perfect example of acting out greed and how I as the mind build the corporate structure that is me. Passing on karma without even knowing what it was at the time. Lol!I could go on and on about my participation within it. As an example as I got my first job I was one of the few people in holland working with Apple computers at the time. So I had an advantage and I knew if I kept studying the software and stayed ahead I would remain the power user I was at the time and the reason I got the job in the first place. So I was very eager to keep my skill set up to date and within this I got increasingly more scared of the future because I slowly started to understand that what happened in the bible was also happening to me. That there was competition rising and that I had become part of the equation. It started my quest for answers and it also fucked me up career wise because the rat race is not a race you step in or out of. You participate or leave the stadium. If I'm not part of the race I'm not competing on the world stage and without greed someone else will do the killing for me. In that regard nature is less cruel than I am. Nature is what it is I want to be more than 'I' am.Excessiveness is a disease, like the luxury to live a depression. A few years back I was able to do so because I had some financial reserves so I could lay on the couch for a few months smoking pot while feeling sorry for myself. Like I had more rights to be depressed than someone else and with that comes the guild. The catholic dogma coming full circle. Greed and guild is what made the dutch one of the wealthiest nations on earth. Like a lot of dutch I'm aware that we are guilty thus have committed a crime. But we tolerate crime and thus we became one of the richest and most liberal countries in the world because we breed the greed to do so. Welcome to my roots of greed.More to Come. Must Watch Documentaries if you are interested in understanding reality:The Century of the Self: Part 1- Happiness MachinesThe Power PrincipleThe TrapPsywarHuman Resources: Social Engineering in the 20th Century

The momentum of addictions

The end of the year is approaching and this year has been one hell of a ride. One of the most ‘important’ points for me this year was stopping my Weed addiction completely. I stopped using weed on the 13th of January. There was a previous attempt and during a sailing weekend a bit of hash was the trigger for starting again. So I fell and had to do a time loop. Stopping for the second time made me realize that stopping an addiction becomes much harder if one has to do it more than ones. In other words the second time I stopped was much more difficult. This also made me realize that it’s very important to be self honest about the moment you want to stop and the physical support you need in order to be successful in stopping an addiction. Be it Homeopathy, kinesiology, sports, a dog, a buddy. Whatever works for you. You have to look at these points in self honesty. You need to create support. A platform of stability to make stopping as comfortable as possible. Be gentle with yourself.

Am I addicted?
Looking at the reasons for my weed consumption and especially the point all drug users have in common is why? Why this addiction? Why this specific substance? I wrote one post about weed before and I noticed that it was very emotional and energetic. Well that’s exactly the point. We use substance because we are unable to cope with emotions or feelings from within as who we are and defined ourselves as personality. It doesn’t matter what drugs you are on. It’s always about suppression. And we all know that if something in this physical world is suppressed there will be a point where that build up of ‘tension’ has to be released. Be it an earthquake, dam bursting, volcanic eruption, murder, rape, lightning strike, explosion. They all have one thing in common and that point is (kinetics) energy. A release of ‘some sort’.

It’s the first thing you will notice the moment you stop a habit/addiction. There is momentum. Something want’s to move you forward as you just stopped. So you notice this push coming from the back that pushes you towards that point of addiction. That automated pattern you accepted as that habit. Something that belongs to you. And you literally feel you have to resist something. You have to push otherwise you are moved from where you are standing. Sounds familiar? Something is pushing you and that is the momentum of addiction. It’s not just drugs. It’s everything in this world. O that’s is nice, that’s cool, my kind of girl, my kind of car, my kind of food, my kind of art, music, candy, friends, sex, the way I pork my nose, education etc. etc. etc. All those reactions are habitual and can be considered addiction. Stuff/substance you are used to. That you use, that abuses you.

I preferred weed
Addiction for me equals identification as in preferences. Yes we can blame our parents because they where the ones starting to speak to us like that when we where baby’s. Isn’t that a nice brown teddybear? Euh, don’t know mom if you say so. So let's not blame. Anyway, eventually we get into groups that we prefer and start to do preferable things. We find a preferable wife, get preferable children and try to the give them preferable education that makes them preferred employees that become preferred bankers in the system with a preferable cocaine addiction. Why? Because in the end the whole world is addicted to money. Historians call that history. Darwinists call it evolution. Economists call it Economics and religious people call it God’s creation. Interesting. God’s creation is actually us, a bunch of junkies hooked on energy.

The way we live our lives is based on preferences. This law of attraction which in the end is addiction. This momentum. This system of energy that needs us to produce energy to exist. How do we do that? Through addiction. It’s sheer genius. Because we all have different preferences (addictions) there is alway energy generated. Scientists call it polarity. Now what would happen if we all stop? Just stop.

Impossible isn’t it? The momentum is simply to big. The whole system would implode immediately. That’s why the concept of equality is so hard to grasp for a lot of people because one of the biggest addictions is that to our own ego’s. I’m addicted to me and all my self definitions which ind the end are all preferences. I believe I’m full circle now. Am I drifting of here? Ok back to my 'former' addiction.

So let’s bring it back to myself. My addict-i-on. I on weed. Me smoking that shit for more than 20 years on a regular bases. What happened to me? Why was weed the substance I preferred?

Doctor, do you have something to ease the pain?
I already spoke about suppression. All drugs suppress. The drug I prefer is the one that does that job for me in a way I ‘like’ it most or feel most ‘comfortable’ with. Because I’m very aware of the experience I have with it. It does the suppressing in my most preferable way=to supress that what I actually experience within myself and (for a moment) want to suppress or ‘forget’. This also implies that there is NO DRUG that can make me ‘another person’ or forget always. That’s why I have to do it time after time again. To for a moment not feel/experience what’s actually going on within me. Within my state of mind (my mind).

 So, it’s not the weed nor is it the addiction towards it. It’s me fearing to be me here. To face myself here in every moment. Because I’m afraid of myself within and I want and need my weed to help me just for this moment to forget my own experience within. How I exist. Within existence. So I fear existing within existence. That’s it. Simple brutal common sense that applies to all addictions.

SO the more and longer I use the more I compound that experience of myself. The more I do this the more shit compounds and the more weed I’m going to consume. You see there’s only one outcome to this equation? Me wanting to smoke is me not wanting to face me. This is the critical point because here is where I had to become self honest in the moments that followed. I had to face myself. I had to stop running away from myself because it’s impossible? You will face yourself every day to come because it’s alway going to be you. It’s not someone else taking the substance is it? Substance or substitute. What is it that you need a substitute for? What is ‘missing’ in your ‘life’? It’s you standing up in that specific point. That’s what is missing. What am I holding onto within myself? Forgive yourself for that point and stand up within that point. It’s the only way! Yes I hear the question. How the fuck am I going to do this?

I dared to look
I am going to share some points I’m walking and still facing every day. I am facing the self-loser. I'm facing my self-deception. The harm I did to others. Me collapsing in the system completely. Me refusing to participate and share myself. Doing the things required according to my education as being a ‘good man’. What a fuckup. That whole morality implant I have. Accepting the system and the world the way it is and accepting the position I am in. Talking myself into delusion. Believing 'things’ instead of really investigating life as a physical experience. Thinking something outside myself is going to rescue me. Jezus, God, angels, yoga, enlightenment. Creating even more delusion, by projecting my believes onto others as ‘the truth’ as if it was real! (even my own children). Only moving myself if there is something in it for me. Making myself bigger better at the cost of others. Separating myself from ‘life’. I could go on for hours. And it's this kind of shit whe don't want to face within ourselves. This shit scares the crap out of us and makes us want to crawl away within addiction. Because we fear ourselves. I fear me.

Where does this stop? Where do I reach that point that is a real stop? It’s actually not a point. I simply realized that there where things not ok in my reality. But I still kept on reasoning with myself and that’s a killer because I was doing this with my mind. Yes, the same point where the addiction lived. This is where it get’s tough because I went nuts within justification and morality. It’s me I don't want to change lose my Identity because there is not enough self trust or value to just be who I am. The reason for taking my drugs in the first place. So stop that fear.

Create something new
So I had to get to that rock bottom point of absolute fear, where there was finally some humbleness within me. Where I started to realize that there was a problem and that I had to correct myself. I was very lucky to have someone in my life that was pointing these things out to me. As I am pointing them out for you now. I had support. But it was me who had to walk the correction. You can only do this in Self-Honesty. Because it requires walking backwards in your life to reassess the way you exist and correct yourself.

That’s the point where I am. I’m correcting myself. I corrected the weed point. ‘But’ it is a small point within lot's of points. It’s the tip of the iceberg that is me. You need to build self trust and that is a different story and not a walk in the park. However it can be done. Check out the tools that are available on the Desteni website and if you have any question or need support? Make yourself heard.

Former weed addict

Looking for God? Here he is...

It used to be simple. The alarm started up my personal operating system and I got into my modus operandi. Accessing, shitting, washing, eating, work, study, falling in love, hate, anger and other social subroutines of the main program. Occasionally I got some updates to keep the programs up with the growing demand for cash. The only problem I ever had in my life was the fact I became aware of this shit going on. I saw the program kind of ran itself and how hard it was to change even the simple lines of code. Yes the problem with artificial intelligence. It’s self aware to a certain point. I could see my own programs running and kind of found that annoying. It got in the way. It itched. Stupid. Why cant I be a perfect robot. A terminator. What the fuck with this sentimental distracting shit going on.

So there must have been a programmer that want’s me to be ‘self aware’ ey? Come out where ever you are motherfucker. I often wondered about this programmer. Was it God and if so who programmed him into being? And if this programmer can program this whole existence into being why ‘on earth’ did it invent artificial intelligent semi self aware human beings? I mean if there was one question bugging me it was that one. I just had to look in the mirror and see my own limitations to know that a human being actually makes no sense at all. On top of that I have this extensive package of thoughts, emotions and feelings that only make it harder for me to live in this ridiculous and absurd existence. I mean why give humans emotions if it only fucks ‘m up? I would feel much better as a battle tank right know.

Unless... the programmer did this on purpose. It had to be otherwise it wouldn't be. I mean ‘God’ is perfect and has a purpose for everything in existence so there must be a reason for his fuzzy logic'. Why, pain, suffering, hate, greed, love, loss, pleasure, anger, etc? All straightforward simple programs. I fall-it hurts. I kill-you die. I torture you suffer. I love you're fucked. But why? It’s simple. -way to simple-.

It makes no sense unless it all has a purpose doesn't it. The programmer must have wanted it to be like this otherwise it wouldn’t be like this. Or the programmer is a sadist fucker that likes to play around with existence and us in it. Or both. Could be. I mean I’m created in the image and likeness of God. I’m one of his children roaming this earth and as a child I often was a sadist fucker poking my stick around an ants nest to stir society up a little. Thanks for teaching me dad. How to bring some disaster down from the heavens to keep the anties occupied? Just call me! O how they gave there best to restore order in the chaos I so lovingly created. They disposed the dead bodies. Restored structures. Sheltered the babies and got the food to a safe place. Not aware of the fact that it was me that only had to move the tip of my finger to create the same disaster all over again. Yes I was that powerful. Whole families where destroyed just by moving my fingertip. Not one of them ever walked away. They all stuck together and kept doing the same shit over and over again. What a bunch of stupid insects. Free choice and they all choose to suffer together instead of changing what they are. This useless rebuilding of the same concept because there is no other concept. All ants lost in this energetic buss that has everyone occupied. Yes it’s maybe one for all and all for one. But don’t forget there is still me. Haha. The man from the sky with the stick that pokes around. What a great example of togetherness they are. Who’s your daddy?

The strange thing is though. I grew up to become an ant. An ant in the nest. I am an ant in the nest. After the alarm I occupy the space that’s reserved for me in the nest. Working, fighting doing what needs to be done to feed the clan even if it means I have to fight wars with other ant nests. I found this quite disturbing I must say. About a year ago I decided to take a walk outside the nest and for the first time in my life I looked up and saw myself sitting there with a stick in my hand and a grin on my face. The nest never felt the same again. I never felt the same again. The other ants looked different talked different. I’m an ant that knows there is a boy with a stick and that boy is me. I’ve got to forgive that boy with the stick and get him out of my life as soon as possible. Than I have to show the other ants what happened to me so they can see. The ants must change into... Whatever we change into as long as we do it all ants equal and one. If you are an ant out there know that there is more of you. You are not alone. I'm here for starters and I know some more ants that have a few stories to tell for themselves.