The momentum of addictions

The end of the year is approaching and this year has been one hell of a ride. One of the most ‘important’ points for me this year was stopping my Weed addiction completely. I stopped using weed on the 13th of January. There was a previous attempt and during a sailing weekend a bit of hash was the trigger for starting again. So I fell and had to do a time loop. Stopping for the second time made me realize that stopping an addiction becomes much harder if one has to do it more than ones. In other words the second time I stopped was much more difficult. This also made me realize that it’s very important to be self honest about the moment you want to stop and the physical support you need in order to be successful in stopping an addiction. Be it Homeopathy, kinesiology, sports, a dog, a buddy. Whatever works for you. You have to look at these points in self honesty. You need to create support. A platform of stability to make stopping as comfortable as possible. Be gentle with yourself.

Am I addicted?
Looking at the reasons for my weed consumption and especially the point all drug users have in common is why? Why this addiction? Why this specific substance? I wrote one post about weed before and I noticed that it was very emotional and energetic. Well that’s exactly the point. We use substance because we are unable to cope with emotions or feelings from within as who we are and defined ourselves as personality. It doesn’t matter what drugs you are on. It’s always about suppression. And we all know that if something in this physical world is suppressed there will be a point where that build up of ‘tension’ has to be released. Be it an earthquake, dam bursting, volcanic eruption, murder, rape, lightning strike, explosion. They all have one thing in common and that point is (kinetics) energy. A release of ‘some sort’.

It’s the first thing you will notice the moment you stop a habit/addiction. There is momentum. Something want’s to move you forward as you just stopped. So you notice this push coming from the back that pushes you towards that point of addiction. That automated pattern you accepted as that habit. Something that belongs to you. And you literally feel you have to resist something. You have to push otherwise you are moved from where you are standing. Sounds familiar? Something is pushing you and that is the momentum of addiction. It’s not just drugs. It’s everything in this world. O that’s is nice, that’s cool, my kind of girl, my kind of car, my kind of food, my kind of art, music, candy, friends, sex, the way I pork my nose, education etc. etc. etc. All those reactions are habitual and can be considered addiction. Stuff/substance you are used to. That you use, that abuses you.

I preferred weed
Addiction for me equals identification as in preferences. Yes we can blame our parents because they where the ones starting to speak to us like that when we where baby’s. Isn’t that a nice brown teddybear? Euh, don’t know mom if you say so. So let's not blame. Anyway, eventually we get into groups that we prefer and start to do preferable things. We find a preferable wife, get preferable children and try to the give them preferable education that makes them preferred employees that become preferred bankers in the system with a preferable cocaine addiction. Why? Because in the end the whole world is addicted to money. Historians call that history. Darwinists call it evolution. Economists call it Economics and religious people call it God’s creation. Interesting. God’s creation is actually us, a bunch of junkies hooked on energy.

The way we live our lives is based on preferences. This law of attraction which in the end is addiction. This momentum. This system of energy that needs us to produce energy to exist. How do we do that? Through addiction. It’s sheer genius. Because we all have different preferences (addictions) there is alway energy generated. Scientists call it polarity. Now what would happen if we all stop? Just stop.

Impossible isn’t it? The momentum is simply to big. The whole system would implode immediately. That’s why the concept of equality is so hard to grasp for a lot of people because one of the biggest addictions is that to our own ego’s. I’m addicted to me and all my self definitions which ind the end are all preferences. I believe I’m full circle now. Am I drifting of here? Ok back to my 'former' addiction.

So let’s bring it back to myself. My addict-i-on. I on weed. Me smoking that shit for more than 20 years on a regular bases. What happened to me? Why was weed the substance I preferred?

Doctor, do you have something to ease the pain?
I already spoke about suppression. All drugs suppress. The drug I prefer is the one that does that job for me in a way I ‘like’ it most or feel most ‘comfortable’ with. Because I’m very aware of the experience I have with it. It does the suppressing in my most preferable way=to supress that what I actually experience within myself and (for a moment) want to suppress or ‘forget’. This also implies that there is NO DRUG that can make me ‘another person’ or forget always. That’s why I have to do it time after time again. To for a moment not feel/experience what’s actually going on within me. Within my state of mind (my mind).

 So, it’s not the weed nor is it the addiction towards it. It’s me fearing to be me here. To face myself here in every moment. Because I’m afraid of myself within and I want and need my weed to help me just for this moment to forget my own experience within. How I exist. Within existence. So I fear existing within existence. That’s it. Simple brutal common sense that applies to all addictions.

SO the more and longer I use the more I compound that experience of myself. The more I do this the more shit compounds and the more weed I’m going to consume. You see there’s only one outcome to this equation? Me wanting to smoke is me not wanting to face me. This is the critical point because here is where I had to become self honest in the moments that followed. I had to face myself. I had to stop running away from myself because it’s impossible? You will face yourself every day to come because it’s alway going to be you. It’s not someone else taking the substance is it? Substance or substitute. What is it that you need a substitute for? What is ‘missing’ in your ‘life’? It’s you standing up in that specific point. That’s what is missing. What am I holding onto within myself? Forgive yourself for that point and stand up within that point. It’s the only way! Yes I hear the question. How the fuck am I going to do this?

I dared to look
I am going to share some points I’m walking and still facing every day. I am facing the self-loser. I'm facing my self-deception. The harm I did to others. Me collapsing in the system completely. Me refusing to participate and share myself. Doing the things required according to my education as being a ‘good man’. What a fuckup. That whole morality implant I have. Accepting the system and the world the way it is and accepting the position I am in. Talking myself into delusion. Believing 'things’ instead of really investigating life as a physical experience. Thinking something outside myself is going to rescue me. Jezus, God, angels, yoga, enlightenment. Creating even more delusion, by projecting my believes onto others as ‘the truth’ as if it was real! (even my own children). Only moving myself if there is something in it for me. Making myself bigger better at the cost of others. Separating myself from ‘life’. I could go on for hours. And it's this kind of shit whe don't want to face within ourselves. This shit scares the crap out of us and makes us want to crawl away within addiction. Because we fear ourselves. I fear me.

Where does this stop? Where do I reach that point that is a real stop? It’s actually not a point. I simply realized that there where things not ok in my reality. But I still kept on reasoning with myself and that’s a killer because I was doing this with my mind. Yes, the same point where the addiction lived. This is where it get’s tough because I went nuts within justification and morality. It’s me I don't want to change lose my Identity because there is not enough self trust or value to just be who I am. The reason for taking my drugs in the first place. So stop that fear.

Create something new
So I had to get to that rock bottom point of absolute fear, where there was finally some humbleness within me. Where I started to realize that there was a problem and that I had to correct myself. I was very lucky to have someone in my life that was pointing these things out to me. As I am pointing them out for you now. I had support. But it was me who had to walk the correction. You can only do this in Self-Honesty. Because it requires walking backwards in your life to reassess the way you exist and correct yourself.

That’s the point where I am. I’m correcting myself. I corrected the weed point. ‘But’ it is a small point within lot's of points. It’s the tip of the iceberg that is me. You need to build self trust and that is a different story and not a walk in the park. However it can be done. Check out the tools that are available on the Desteni website and if you have any question or need support? Make yourself heard.

Former weed addict