Day-031-"hiding in the shed"

I want to change direction professionally and to do that I have to find a new way and expand on my existing area of expertise. I know about marketing, advertising, branding, photography and I have always 'loved' everything that involved bikes. More specifically mountain bikes. So if someone would ask me what I would love to do most proffesionally? It would be working in or around the bike industry. To me the bicycle is the best mechanical invention ever. Riding a bike even in its most simple form gives one a direct physical experience of every mechanical law in nature. In it's raw form it has no more parts than it needs to function. Using the same force as it would take one to simply walk, a bike  moves you 4 times faster. 

I was pondering on these perspectives as I was looking back on my career and I noticed that I had a few opportunities a long the way that could have been life changers but I did not use one. Not one! I kind of blocked those memories. Due to my present situation these images came up and forced me to take a self honest look at why I did not use those opportunities at the time and why I find it so extremely hard to get myself moving towards self change within these point.

Primarily it was fear. I remember the first time an advertising agency contacted me as I was just moving from on job to the other. Everything was already sort of arranged and more importantly I had a new relationship going with a girl in that new town I was moving to. Nevertheless I talked to the guys from the agency and looking back I see myself behaving cocky and arrogant. I was in a safe position to behave like that so like most overconfident 25 year olds I did. Hormones and a complete lack of humility probably.

They made me a great offer and I refused. Why?  Maybe because I already had a new job and most importantly a relationship. Relationships are the best way to distract one from reality. Furthermore their job would mean taking full responsibility for 2 brands. Two clients where I would have full creative responsibility for end results. So beneath al the bravura I was actually scared shitless, suppressed that fear and took on that cocky arrogant character. I moved away from Arnhem and landed in an office where I would eventually experience a burn out. The offer I got in Arnhem would have landed me with one of the biggest bike brands in Holland at the time. It would have given me the opportunity to meet people in the bike industry, build a network and move from there. WTF was I thinking....

This was not the first time I saw myself do this. My whole life is filled with moments where a seemingly simple decision means a different direction that completely alters ones coarse in life. Small moments big effects. A moment, that would require a little risk and pushing myself to learn a few new skills or fail within it. That's all I had to do. But I didn't and I choose to remain in my comfort zone. A zone where less opportunity presents itself. In retrospect I can say that less opportunities will start to present themselves and the route will become more dusty and less profitable as one gets older.

The past week I noted somewhere I was 'mindless' within not taking the risk of failure at the same time creating a change to grow and learn something new.

So the prime point here was taking risks... 

Interesting, in my upbringing taking risks especially those with financial consequence where considered 'mindless'. And since the first startup I was part off was not a success I sort of surrendered to that believe. But what I saw was that the way I generally use the word 'mindless' actually means the opposite? In general we tend to use the word 'mindless' when our behavior or that of someone else is not thought out. In other words someone is doing things without planning or a pre determined strategy. 

Look at how often we speak to our children like that. "Stop that mindless bullshit and so forth". However... Observing myself and my behavior as my mind and what I have accepted and allowed and decided to become as such gives a whole new meaning to the word 'mindless'.

Never in my thinking existence have I ever been mindless. In fact all my actions derive from myself as my mind even in my sleep in my dreams is it me as the mind that occupies my being. So from that perspective it's rather pathetic to judge myself or other peoples behavior as mindless because it simply never is, not even when we sleep.

I did not write for quite some time. I just didn't. Yuk! Fed up with being confronted with the vastness of these points at the moment. Normally I would say I'm depressed but what's a depression more than giving myself another reason to do nothing about it. 

I fear change and I fear changing myself. There it is. At the same time I must. The illusions of backdoors are gone there are no more exits. Like the banking system the facts are here for me to face. I'm also having these strange lower back problems. So something is happening at my base so to speak. I find it very hard to keep my back straight at the moment.

I can stabilize myself a little by doing sports so I started doing sports again and that involves a bike. My old bike was in pieces so I looked what was lying around and enjoyed building a bike from the materials I had and getting everything dialed inn. Being in my shed working with my hands calms me down. It helps me to stabilize and remain in the moment with what I'm physically doing. I also started training again on a regular basis to support my back. I have some indicators to why my back behaves like it does. Besides the psychosomatic causes there is the simple physical fact I have been sitting behind a desk my whole working life. So that's another thing I want to change. As little desk as possible.

Anyway looking back I was judging myself and my behavior in the past as reckless and mindless. Reckless-mindless. Where did that judgement come from? In sports I took risks (reckless). In my career I didn't (mindless). But isn't it strange that I use these thought constructs and eventually end up and decide to follow the path to self diminishment. So perhaps instead of mindless it's the opposite. It's within my participation as the mind I determine my actions. It's all mined from my mind.

So from that perspective there is no action in this world that can be mindless. Then it would be mindless thus without self interest. A long time ago as I sat in yoga class doing my best to become 'mindless' and enlightened it was in fact the realms of my mind I was exploring. There is no way out!

In that sense yes, being lost in and as the mind is an out of body experience but more as total denial of the body/this physical reality. If not for the fact that the same mind mines the body for energy thus holding the body enslaved thus cannot allow itself to leave. I suppose it would be possible to go nuts on purpose and become a famous mummy. Or set yourself on fire or something. History has plenty of examples of minds that do crazy shit in order to get attention.

Interesting the behavior I address as mindlessness is in fact always a point of self interest. Doing what I want to do whatever the consequence. Ego-nomics of some sort. Getting it according to my will and not take anything or anyone in consideration. How genius to call people 'mindless'. It completely camouflages my own responsibility of seeing a mind at work and instead of doing something about it I judge it. By doing so I'm in fact judging myself. Wether I'm a binge drinker, a heroine addict or an adrenaline crazy sports fanatic or soldier in Afghanistan. Calling myself or others mindless is acknowledgement of seeing the mind in action and not taking responsibility for it. 

Looking at myself I can say for sure that the most crappy shit I pull in life requires total denial of the physical reality meaning to lie to myself with absolute involvement of my mind especially in close collaboration with other minds because that makes my lies and behavior more acceptable and less conspicuous.

Eventually I find myself integrated with this bullshit to a point I start to identify with it as myself thus becoming the bullshit. And that's how I felt the last weeks. Slowly sinking back and very ashamed as part of all the bullshit and making it worse by allowing myself to sink further instead of giving myself some clarity about what I was doing. Writing it down in whatever way. I failed big time.

And it's within these small observations of using a word like 'mindless' I find a small peace of the nasty reality that I co create as the mind. True mindlessness would imply common sense and taking full responsibility for my physical reality in self honesty. I can say that that is something I proofed to myself once again how difficult this process can be at times. Ok I'm writing again but that does not change the fact that there is a lot on my list that makes me rather green around the nose. I created all of my reality based on assumptions coming from my mind. This can't be trusted meaning I have to take responsibility for it. Looting evolves from my mind that's why my evolution is nothing more than a story about robbing and steeling. I am an evil looter and I can see it because mindlessness does not exist until this reality become one as a reality that is not of mind.

The resistance to physical action towards writing myself out is really intense at the moment. It's kind of painful to see how much bullshit I'm is able to create in a few weeks. It's overwhelming at times to see that I really think and behave solely as mind not able to stop myself, completely controlled by the patterns and habits because I stopped writing. These few words kind of feel like an attempt to come out of my shed.

Day-018-Let's skip school and smoke pot!

Woke up this morning and before I had my eyes open there was this unrest within. My body felt heavy and not relaxed. My back was hurting and I had to start working on a project. It felt like being back in my schooldays with a party hangover.

I'm experiencing some of the aftereffects of sharing time with a friend intensively for over a week. I have to kind of set myself up again for work. Yesterday I got a surprise visit from another friend. I was a bit shocked by his appearance. He looked hammered. I constantly had this backchat that this could have been me. I was seeing a lot of anger within him and asking about it confirmed the point.

I don't see or meet many people socially but I have some friends and we kind of keep an eye out for each other. As we catch up on things in our lives the principle of oneness and equality and the blogs where discussed and I notice time after time again that the biggest point with people seems to be integrating the principle message practically within this reality as daily life. I can write my blogs and have an opinion but like anyone else in this fucked up existence have to get the food on the table meaning remain part of the crumbling economic reality. Survival comes first and that's exactly the universal point that keeps us enslaved.

So I see a friend that looks hammered and I catch myself worrying. I know it's stupidity to worry about people. It doesn't serve them or existence whatsoever. However one point I saw very clearly because I saw it within myself and that is the point of addiction and especially the addiction to conflict. Seeing everything that's wrong with yourself and the world and accepting and allowing yourself to believe there is nothing you can do to change this creates a huge amount of friction within, allowing the mind to build these huge constructions of self sabotage. And within that I allow myself to become very angry, short fused, irritated, depressed, sad, hopeless. The list is endless and the effects are devastating on the body. I became a zombie that was eating itself literally. I'm 1.90m and at one point my weight was around 76 kilo's and dropping.

One of the things I have always done in order to 'cope' with myself was smoking pot and by doing that I suppressed myself completely. I couldn't face the world this reality as what I had become within it. I accepted and allowed myself to believe there was no place for me in the system at the same time I saw it was impossible to escape it. I realized the system doesn't give a fuck. That's why pot smoking and alcohol are so effective in suppressing or releasing specific energies. It serves the hunters who are moving with the system hunting for profit. Less competition more kill. Stopping my weed consumption  was an eye opener. In fact it showed me that my total behavior is addiction based.

It's not complicated, this is the world we create to 'live' in. I stopped hunting. I became enslaved in my own head by moral constructs and projections about the world and the way things work instead of really investigating the nitty gritty of it within and as myself.

It's very hard to get to a self honest point if life is treating one well. I don't give a shit about the world when I'm stoned or high. I don't care about my neighbor or humanity when I'm ego tripping on my success in life. See there is no difference. Both equate the same outcome=ignorance.

My ego trip got me here in the first place and now you want me to believe it's all a lie? Well not to me it is. My success is fucking real you better believe it. I lost myself because I thought I knew how the world works instead of investigating if that was really the case. Doing so made me realize that reality is horrific and that explains why only a few dare to confront themselves with the rawness of this creation.

I realize that being in relationships to survive and being exposed to and forced within the system feeds the parasite that's the mind that eats the body alive and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear waking up to my reality of having to go to work solely because of the money I need to survive in the system

I realize that the principle message of equality is very hard to grasp when one is submerged in daily life within the system where every symbol and all we do relates back to the time is money equation and that this becomes who we are and express within our lives and accept as reality literally eating ourselves alive and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the co creator and participant within and as the system that is ruled by the 'time is money' equation and within that I forgive myself for not realizing that by participating instead of standing up for life for real I was eating myself alive

I realize that seeing reality as the overwhelming amount of information it is as distraction from the experience of self within creates huge conflict and within that only few can stand the pressure and friction generated culminating in ever more outbursts of extreme behavior in the world where people start eating each others faces in public showing who we are within and as mind possessed zombies and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a cannibal myself because I did not realize that by feeding of others I am eventually feeding of myself and within that I commit myself to stand up and give to others what I can as I would like to receive

I realize that fear is the ultimate system of enslavement and that reacting to and following my fears will eventually lead me to apathy and suppression where self movement comes to a stand still and the only option left is eating myself allowing others within the system to profit by taking my place. Within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not face my fears and instead give in to the self abuse of addiction to energy as conflict and substance instead of standing up to deprogram myself in order to become equal with life to create a world that is best for all

I realize that by thinking about the world does not solve any problem. Problems are solved through physical action which implies I have to become physical action and only through physical experience as walking the corrections necessary to bring self change will I be able to change my reality. Within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sit back and reflect allowing myself to start the inner dialoque distracting me from the work that simply has to be done. I commit myself to not postpone my physical actions, to stop and breath and bring myself here in order to walk a point I see in real time in order to change my reality.

I realize that getting to a point where I can face myself in self honesty is not I single perspective, it's a process walked step by step, point for point and only by having the whole point and nothing but the whole point by the balls will I be able to make the correct decisions in order to change myself to what is best for all and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the tendency to overcomplicate things thus I commit myself to keep EVERYTHING simple and walk from there learning to apply common sense to daily life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the effects of reality as a projection in the face of another being.

http://desteni.org/
http://desteniiprocess.com/
http://eqafe.com/
http://destonians.com/

Day-017-Is there something in it for me?

For the last few months I have been working freelance out of town a few kilometers instead of from home. This makes it a bit problematic for my dog who has to stay home alone. I could take her to work but it's far from Ideal because she would have to be outside on a leash all day. So my parents stepped in and said they where okay with having the dog over at their place during the day. Our family had dogs as long as I can remember so my parents are more than comfortable around dogs. My mother has a slight problem with her hips so my father is the one who takes the dog for a little stroll around lunch.

The dog loves to stay at my parents I can tell because she communicates it as soon as she knows we are heading for my parents house. One could say the dog and my parents 'love' each other.

Now I'm having a friend over from Amsterdam and we decided it might be a good Idea to take a road trip up to amsterdam to look at this friends new house that was just finished. So I need someone to take care of the dog. My brother is on holiday so I see myself calling my parents to ask if it's possible to take care of my dog for a night. My dad picks up the phone and tells me it's not a problem.

When I arrive to drop of my dog I start small talking with my dad who's finishing up a paint job. Then my mother comes into the room. Her face frowned, and she looks irritated. So there must be something on her mind. And yes within a few sentences she more or less shares that she is not ok with the dog staying. I say "ok" only problem is that I already got the 'go' ahead from dad and I'm about ten minutes from leaving for Amsterdam. So I ask about the problem/friction between her and my dad.

So she starts making her point(s) and within this starts ranting as I have heard her rant a thousand times before. That stuff in my life is not her responsibility and that she's ok with the dog staying during the week but not in the weekends, only in emergency's and so forth. Her frustration and anger starts seeping trough and the stream of information becomes ever more emotional/energized. I can feel the surge within myself as well so I realize I have to stop my participation within this and take corrective action.

First of I need to clarify, so I ask If the deal is of and if I should I make other arrangements? I'm not getting a straight answer, instead I get more ranting. I listen a bit more take a breath and ask again; "Should I make other arrangements?" Apparently it irritates her that I'm not participating within the argument and words spoken and that I'm not as reactive as I would normally be. Instead I stick to the binary equation of dog stay–dog go. So again I state that I want to take action and make other arrangements if she's not ok with the situation. Still no answer. I notice that she's getting even more frustrated by me not participating within the argument. Eventually she says; "OK but it's only for one night".

 -?-

A question I should have asked myself a long time ago. Why the fuzz? Why the energy? Why now? Why here? Why me? Why participate? Why this person? Why this point? Why this specific point? Why make it worse?

Walking home I ponder on what just happened. And looking back the 'only for one night' statement stands out. The question is about one night so why is the word 'only' used.

– 'Only'–

Or 'only' because it's you? Or 'only' this once? Onelie. Interesting. Looking at myself when I use this 'only' as in a one lie construction is stating that I'm making an exception. It's a hidden I ow you you ow me. It's a manipulation pattern that binds people within relationships within the point of mutual fuckness. It's a worm on a hook. A hidden agenda.  There is a pattern behind the way the word is used and it has something to do with 'gaining'. So what's the pattern and what is there to 'gain'?

I see that it's all about relationships and emotions being released. I'm not some guy on the street, I'm the son of the mother that has raised me and my brother and is married to my father for over forty years. A lot of shit happens in forty years believe me. So the dog is merely the trigger. It could have been anything.

Obviously something is suppressed. It's what people do especially in relationships and particular within family. You take it in, you bare the load. You stick to it through thick and thin. You take shit you wouldn't take from a stranger and sacrifice what you have untill… Yes untill what? Untill you realize you have been fucking working your ass of your whole life. Went through the pain of carrying two babies watched as they tried to find their way in a world you don't understand yourself and neither do they. You see your parents and family get old and sick and die. You see the world change into something that departs from everything you as a child believed in. You take on the role of being there for everyone. To be the stability point becoming ever more unstable yourself because all this energy is eating away at you literally. Then your husband get's his first stroke and you realize some day in the not to distant future me and my children will be all that's left. And one of them is this fucker with a dog and an opinion and it's my son. What the fuck?

Placing myself in my mothers shoes seeing myself having children that grow up in world that changed from a postwar fairytale into a consumer megapolis with internet and facebook friends. Is far from coronation street and the sturdy family structures my parents come from. Present reality with Television-feeds coming straight from the tips of precision bombs dropped from drones guided by youngster that don't know the difference between their playstation and workstation. It's hard for me to get my head around this shit let alone the generation my parents belong to.

The future as in now is not at all playing out like the cosy family weekends we had gathering berries in my grandmothers garden. I grew up in a family structure that dictated who, what, where and when very clearly. What I see in people including myself is a point where one gives up and says; "leave me alone, I had enough". Problem is, then what? I cannot simply stop what I'm doing. I created this whole outflow of events including my children. What the fuck! Yes what the fuck! Family and friends and the extend of brainwashing that takes place when we interact and subtly exchange and upload these morality programs as we develop our relationships. Eventually I will realize that I fucked it all up because that is exactly what I was supposed to do and now I'm to ashamed to admit it. In fact everybody is!

It's quite a fuckup and seeing myself participating and reacting within this throughout my life does not paint the picture any prettier. It's time to get to the raw experience of myself and what it means to be part of society within a family and the effects I have on the world around me within every breath. Every gesture, tonality, word I used to create the world around me and the effect I have on other beings as I constantly project and manipulate myself from the starting point of self interest.

You can stay up late ('only') if you help me do the dishes tonight.

See, where can we go from there? Let's start removing the blindfold from what is called the cornerstone of society and see the devastation it has brought upon humanity. No place keeps us hidden from the raw experience of ourselves better than a well oiled family structure and teachers coming from the same place. I will myself to embrace my mother and father as they where born from the ones that went before. I realize that the children that come will only have a chance If I create that chance for them by changing myself.

To be continued.

2012 are you chosen?

12 21 12, 2012, 21 december 12, dec 12 2012, december 12 2011, december 12 doomsday, december 21 2012.

What's The Frequency Kenneth?
What do others say about 2012? What does the bible say about 2012? What can I say about 2012? As far as I’m concerned 2012 is one year. A point in space and time. A fraction of space-time. Funny, the Germans call the universe ‘Weltall’. The world and all. The dutch say ‘Heelal’-Heal all-Hell-all-All hell. English is interesting too, ‘Universe’. Uni-verse! Lot’s of universal verses. Interesting. I ‘prefer’ the German definition ‘Welt-all’. Kind of includes everything.

Losing My Religion
There are a few among us that believe the world is coming to an end. That’s a bit out of the ‘ordinary’. I calm myself knowing that my world will end every night when I close my eyes and go to sleep. Where am I when I sleep? And where am I when I wake up? As long as I can remember my world ended every night and was there again the next morning. How is that for strange?

Shiny happy people
I’m in the process of stopping my mind for little more than a year. Someone asked me if it made me happy? Is it 'working'? Does it 'help' me? Does it 'make' me a 'better' person? In other words what do I get in return for my efforts or investments. Yes, the shit runs deep. Happiness, the second largest religion in the world.

A lot of things changed for me in 2012. A lot of things stayed firmly in place. This process is absolutely not what I expected it to be and it's not a cheery, joyful experience so far. It's a nightmare to wake up too oneself within this world. It’s an experience however and that means there are things I can share that could benefit others who are having trouble with the current outflow of events as we enter 2012. Yeah, that biblical event where time is supposed to end and the chosen ones go to heaven to drink champaign. Duh, I thought we where all born in sinn. So everybody stays here. No jumping in front of the train now, we are all going to be in this shit together. We are all future neighbours. What did Jezus say again?

Wall Of Death 
I’m 43 and kids start to call me an old man. Being an old man comes with a few issues. So when I started this process of stopping my mind those 'old man' issues became quite prominent. What the fuck did I do all those years. Where the fuck was I? What the fuck was I thinking? What the fuck? This whole process started with one simple question someone asked me. "Where are you?" Investigating myself started with that simple point of being-here. W-here is the being? I couldn’t answer that question and from that moment on my life has changed dramatically. Changing myself is much harder than my mind makes me think because my mind doesn’t want me to change. My DNA likes to have things running according to plan. That's the 'hard-bit'.

One point I begin to see in more detail is the personality I have developed over time. And it’s interesting because this morning I remembered that a teacher teased me by calling me a donkey in school so the kids started to call me that as well. ‘Donkey’ because I probably fucked up a lot in primary school (apparently donkeys do that). Being called a donkey as a child was not a nice experience and it was one of those experiences where I became aware of myself as different from the point of inferiority.

It’s all quite funny because from the current perspective as what I have become as a personality the comparison to a donkey makes total sense. I accepted and allowed myself to become a stubborn, noisy and sedentary persona. Try to get me from my place against my will and all hell brakes loose and just like an old donkey, I’m good at carrying a load and look pitiful doing so.

Automatic For The People
One of the first things I became aware of after I started this blog where my habits. My whole being and I mean everything of me consisting of these patterns merging into my behavior as me as this personality or persona as you will. Having a specific preference for every little thing I do, think or feel. From the way I drink my coffee up to the way I wipe my ass. I started to see that the oldest habits I have are also the most fossilized. There is no real me. It’s all constructed in real time like a wireframe pixar movie. Reading the Desteni material made me realize that I was only defining myself through words, emotions and feelings that come straight from my surroundings. I'm not those fucking words am I? Here! I am starting to observe myself as my own prisoner within what I think feel or say. I'm fucking screwed by creation. WTF! Yes this kind of shit is shocking and I got really fucking angry. At first I was only aware of my so called ‘bad habits’. A complete morality fuckup. Bad habits are also habits so let's start from scratch here.

The One I Love 
Smoking followed by smoking weed are my oldest habits. So if I wanted to really push and test myself those where the key areas to start breaking my habits. I stopped smoking weed almost a year ago. I smoked weed for more than 20 years. I quit smoking about 7 weeks ago. I started smoking when I was about sixteen so that makes smoking a 27 year old daily habit. The strange thing with stopping is that it’s not hard at all. You just stop and that’s it. The hard part is the hard-bit, the habit. It’s simple and at the same time unexplainable up to the point I just freak out, lock up or start to fuck with myself (which happens frequently). It’s like stopping programs that keep rebooting themselves again and again. A very annoying process but I cant blame or be angry with the programs. I wrote them myself meaning I'm responsible. That’s how I see it. Dissolving the after effects of stopping is a different chapter that has to do with taking self-responsibility and guilt. More on that as I go along and overcome points of shame and embarrassment while sharing my life here.


Everybody Hurts 
Now stopping addictions sounds simple. What makes it hard? The moment I stop one habit (robot-program-system-mechanism) the whole carefully built production-line starts to protest and make noise. So that one habit is always connected to another habit or point. Habits have really big families! It’s fascinating and painful at the same time. For me stopping those habits felt like relationships that ended. In fact that's exactly what it is. How I relate to things are relationships. I had a relationship with weed. I was in love with it. She eased my pain. She was always there. Never complained. Made me laugh. Satisfied my needs. Told me not to worry and that I was okay. She made me feel so good and also sick sometimes. And yes I broke up with her for good and that hurt like hell. Everything started to shift and tilt. That whole point with me attached to it has to be repositioned. Just like all those other relationships. It’s mental as well as physical up to this day.

The saying “you need backbone to stand to a decision” That’s the physical point I’m most aware of. My spine. It has not stopped moving since I started this process. At the moment it’s very painful. The whole thing is pulling me in all directions and I'm very tired because of it.

Turn You Inside-Out
Stopping weed and smoking shows me another perspective that’s fascinating. I’m not judging my smoking or weed consumption anymore. The substance is not the point. ‘What’s in it for me?’ that’s the starting point. It’s that. If I want to know why I smoke I just look at the effect smoking has on me and why. My habits are handlebars, hiding places, escape hatches, social credit cards, ice breakers, common ground, stability points to survive as this persona I have become. A persona that has become almost to demented and automated too change. I’m within a world system that functions exactly the same. Braking my habits makes me feel 'the rupture' in the fabric that connects me to the system. That's my end of the world. What can I say, It’s as painful as it is fascinating to see what I made of myself. It’s also pretty scary at times. The only realization that calms me down is the realization that no matter how bad the nightmare, reality will be worse.

Stand
Applying the Desteni material  is not a walk in the park. Desteni is not a gathering of people padding each other on the back for being ‘good citizens’. Exposing the true nature of oneself and each-other is a confronting and sometimes painful process. There is a lot of resistance within me because of that. Sometimes it seems impossible to move, that's where 2012 comes in. The more people move the easier it gets. Humanity doesn’t like Destonians because they are everything the world is not at the moment. Why is it so hard for me to stand with and as a principle of oneness and equality. To do whatever it takes to bring life back to this earth?

Because it requires changing myself as the physical. With physical proof showing you that even old men can stop shit and that change is possible. We don’t need hope, we change through changing and that takes fucking time and effort. Move with us and support an equal money system.

Desteni is the only group of people in the world I see that take life seriously enough to take everything into consideration. The only way we can change this world is by changing ourselves one by one until all = one. Equal money is the tool to get this done. Time is ticking. Will I break the habit that is me? Will I be here eventually?

The deadliest bullet ever made

12 21 12, 2012, 21 december 12, dec 12 2012, deceber 12 2011, december 12 doomsday, december 21 2012.

I came across this picture and it stopped me in my tracks. What a fascinating picture it is. Who is that rich man? Does he have a name? How did he get rich? Why is he fighting a war? What are his mission objectives? Who is he paying? What party’s are involved and do they have rules of engagement? Is it a dirty war? A clean war? What’s in it for him? Does it fucking matter?

If I where a rich man?
Men that experienced the horrors of war realising that they where killing for money. A demonstration and a claim that says “we won't fight a another rich man’s war”. Which means they already did. So there you go. It’s already done. You killed in order not to be killed for money. Why not refuse before you go and kill for money? Be it in the name of God, country, turf or home. What makes people kill other people for money? Money apparently! So is it the rich man or his money?

There have been demonstrations fore/or against every thinkable subject. Did something change? And if something changed was it best for all? After the war, did some group get special benefits at the cost of other groups giving them a reason to go demonstrate? It’s like a never ending chain of events that creates reasons to demonstrate and go to war. It’s painfully pathetic and it’s us!

Serving the God of war
We are created in the image and likeness of God. We are the creators. Why didn’t we create peace I ask? What’s going on here? Or is God perhaps that rich man? If we are created in the image and likeness of him than he sure loves making money and killing a few innocent in the process. If there is one demonstration that shows us who we are it’s the demonstration of war. It’s seems to be the only thing we really know how to do well. Fighting wars seems to be the only thing we all love to do. Cowboys and indians. Bang-Bang.. You're dead.

Do you know what powers rule this world? Do you know what really fuels the acts of war? Have you ever asked yourself those questions before you wrote a claim and walked up to the White House and occupied the boardwalk. Making claims in front of the media. It's exactly what they want. Ha, the media... They love a 'good' war don’t they...

Brothers in arms
This is an interesting photo in more ways than one. It shows me the absolute state of stupidity in which we as the human race exist at the moment. How much do I have to pay you to stand up for a world where we are all equal? If I’m not in it to win it than fuck it. Really want to know what fuels the wars in this world? Do you really? It’s about Private wars. It’s about you and me. It’s love thy neighbour as thy self. Do we? War exists because we allow it to exist. All of us. It’s the concept of winning. To profit at the cost of others. It’s me being more than you. My people instead of all people. It’s Ego.

Private war
It’s my Ego and his private war that fuel the global ones. Me and you both fighting for survival instead of standing up as one and equal. No, we rather meet somewhere in the world as competitors on the battlefield. See how stupid it is. Occupy my street, wall street, whatever street. Absolute nonsense. As long as money isn’t equal, you and me are not equal and there will be war. Lot’s of wars, big ones, small ones until we realise who we have become. Is that the way I wanna go? Shot by a bullet for profit or standing as what’s best for all?

The solution
So It’s you and me that decide what is going to happen. It’s us that have to stand up and stick to a principle in order to become living examples that show there is another way. I change in order to be change. A real demonstration is a demonstration of personal change as who I am standing up as change within a world that has to change. I dare you to ask questions. I dare you to look at Equal Money. It will make you pee your pans.

Do we go to war and rape each-other or are we going to give in order to receive?

http://equalmoney.org/

The momentum of addictions

The end of the year is approaching and this year has been one hell of a ride. One of the most ‘important’ points for me this year was stopping my Weed addiction completely. I stopped using weed on the 13th of January. There was a previous attempt and during a sailing weekend a bit of hash was the trigger for starting again. So I fell and had to do a time loop. Stopping for the second time made me realize that stopping an addiction becomes much harder if one has to do it more than ones. In other words the second time I stopped was much more difficult. This also made me realize that it’s very important to be self honest about the moment you want to stop and the physical support you need in order to be successful in stopping an addiction. Be it Homeopathy, kinesiology, sports, a dog, a buddy. Whatever works for you. You have to look at these points in self honesty. You need to create support. A platform of stability to make stopping as comfortable as possible. Be gentle with yourself.

Am I addicted?
Looking at the reasons for my weed consumption and especially the point all drug users have in common is why? Why this addiction? Why this specific substance? I wrote one post about weed before and I noticed that it was very emotional and energetic. Well that’s exactly the point. We use substance because we are unable to cope with emotions or feelings from within as who we are and defined ourselves as personality. It doesn’t matter what drugs you are on. It’s always about suppression. And we all know that if something in this physical world is suppressed there will be a point where that build up of ‘tension’ has to be released. Be it an earthquake, dam bursting, volcanic eruption, murder, rape, lightning strike, explosion. They all have one thing in common and that point is (kinetics) energy. A release of ‘some sort’.

It’s the first thing you will notice the moment you stop a habit/addiction. There is momentum. Something want’s to move you forward as you just stopped. So you notice this push coming from the back that pushes you towards that point of addiction. That automated pattern you accepted as that habit. Something that belongs to you. And you literally feel you have to resist something. You have to push otherwise you are moved from where you are standing. Sounds familiar? Something is pushing you and that is the momentum of addiction. It’s not just drugs. It’s everything in this world. O that’s is nice, that’s cool, my kind of girl, my kind of car, my kind of food, my kind of art, music, candy, friends, sex, the way I pork my nose, education etc. etc. etc. All those reactions are habitual and can be considered addiction. Stuff/substance you are used to. That you use, that abuses you.

I preferred weed
Addiction for me equals identification as in preferences. Yes we can blame our parents because they where the ones starting to speak to us like that when we where baby’s. Isn’t that a nice brown teddybear? Euh, don’t know mom if you say so. So let's not blame. Anyway, eventually we get into groups that we prefer and start to do preferable things. We find a preferable wife, get preferable children and try to the give them preferable education that makes them preferred employees that become preferred bankers in the system with a preferable cocaine addiction. Why? Because in the end the whole world is addicted to money. Historians call that history. Darwinists call it evolution. Economists call it Economics and religious people call it God’s creation. Interesting. God’s creation is actually us, a bunch of junkies hooked on energy.

The way we live our lives is based on preferences. This law of attraction which in the end is addiction. This momentum. This system of energy that needs us to produce energy to exist. How do we do that? Through addiction. It’s sheer genius. Because we all have different preferences (addictions) there is alway energy generated. Scientists call it polarity. Now what would happen if we all stop? Just stop.

Impossible isn’t it? The momentum is simply to big. The whole system would implode immediately. That’s why the concept of equality is so hard to grasp for a lot of people because one of the biggest addictions is that to our own ego’s. I’m addicted to me and all my self definitions which ind the end are all preferences. I believe I’m full circle now. Am I drifting of here? Ok back to my 'former' addiction.

So let’s bring it back to myself. My addict-i-on. I on weed. Me smoking that shit for more than 20 years on a regular bases. What happened to me? Why was weed the substance I preferred?

Doctor, do you have something to ease the pain?
I already spoke about suppression. All drugs suppress. The drug I prefer is the one that does that job for me in a way I ‘like’ it most or feel most ‘comfortable’ with. Because I’m very aware of the experience I have with it. It does the suppressing in my most preferable way=to supress that what I actually experience within myself and (for a moment) want to suppress or ‘forget’. This also implies that there is NO DRUG that can make me ‘another person’ or forget always. That’s why I have to do it time after time again. To for a moment not feel/experience what’s actually going on within me. Within my state of mind (my mind).

 So, it’s not the weed nor is it the addiction towards it. It’s me fearing to be me here. To face myself here in every moment. Because I’m afraid of myself within and I want and need my weed to help me just for this moment to forget my own experience within. How I exist. Within existence. So I fear existing within existence. That’s it. Simple brutal common sense that applies to all addictions.

SO the more and longer I use the more I compound that experience of myself. The more I do this the more shit compounds and the more weed I’m going to consume. You see there’s only one outcome to this equation? Me wanting to smoke is me not wanting to face me. This is the critical point because here is where I had to become self honest in the moments that followed. I had to face myself. I had to stop running away from myself because it’s impossible? You will face yourself every day to come because it’s alway going to be you. It’s not someone else taking the substance is it? Substance or substitute. What is it that you need a substitute for? What is ‘missing’ in your ‘life’? It’s you standing up in that specific point. That’s what is missing. What am I holding onto within myself? Forgive yourself for that point and stand up within that point. It’s the only way! Yes I hear the question. How the fuck am I going to do this?

I dared to look
I am going to share some points I’m walking and still facing every day. I am facing the self-loser. I'm facing my self-deception. The harm I did to others. Me collapsing in the system completely. Me refusing to participate and share myself. Doing the things required according to my education as being a ‘good man’. What a fuckup. That whole morality implant I have. Accepting the system and the world the way it is and accepting the position I am in. Talking myself into delusion. Believing 'things’ instead of really investigating life as a physical experience. Thinking something outside myself is going to rescue me. Jezus, God, angels, yoga, enlightenment. Creating even more delusion, by projecting my believes onto others as ‘the truth’ as if it was real! (even my own children). Only moving myself if there is something in it for me. Making myself bigger better at the cost of others. Separating myself from ‘life’. I could go on for hours. And it's this kind of shit whe don't want to face within ourselves. This shit scares the crap out of us and makes us want to crawl away within addiction. Because we fear ourselves. I fear me.

Where does this stop? Where do I reach that point that is a real stop? It’s actually not a point. I simply realized that there where things not ok in my reality. But I still kept on reasoning with myself and that’s a killer because I was doing this with my mind. Yes, the same point where the addiction lived. This is where it get’s tough because I went nuts within justification and morality. It’s me I don't want to change lose my Identity because there is not enough self trust or value to just be who I am. The reason for taking my drugs in the first place. So stop that fear.

Create something new
So I had to get to that rock bottom point of absolute fear, where there was finally some humbleness within me. Where I started to realize that there was a problem and that I had to correct myself. I was very lucky to have someone in my life that was pointing these things out to me. As I am pointing them out for you now. I had support. But it was me who had to walk the correction. You can only do this in Self-Honesty. Because it requires walking backwards in your life to reassess the way you exist and correct yourself.

That’s the point where I am. I’m correcting myself. I corrected the weed point. ‘But’ it is a small point within lot's of points. It’s the tip of the iceberg that is me. You need to build self trust and that is a different story and not a walk in the park. However it can be done. Check out the tools that are available on the Desteni website and if you have any question or need support? Make yourself heard.

Former weed addict

Me the 'Mercanery'...

Workers and warriors
The Equal Money System needs two facets. Workers and warriors. Warriors to do battle for change in this world and workers too fund the warriors. Now I have to decide where I fit in? I had a strong reaction to this video that I want to look at and share.

Fear
Already while watching this video the word warrior came up as a ‘logical’ choice for me. The question being. Where do I fit in? This immediately triggered a feeling of inferiority as fear I felt in my stomach. So I asked myself where my preference for the word ‘warrior’ came from? The answer came fast because as a money maker in this world I’m not amongst the Trump’s and Branson’s.

Mercenary
So I reflected back on the ‘warrior’ and immediately the word ‘mercenary’ came up. - ? - So within the word ‘warrior’ there was probably judgement towards myself. A warrior fights for a cause. A mercenary is in it solely for his own benefit at the cost of everything else. Am I in this solely for myself or because I’m willing to give my life for an Equal Money System? When the call is made, do I come from the trenches and charge the enemy shouting: “today we die”!

mercenary |ˈmərsəˌnerē|
adjective derogatory
(of a person or their behavior) primarily concerned with making money at the expense of ethics : she's nothing but a mercenary little gold digger. Making money at the expense of ethics?

Ethics do not exist in this world because it’s all about money so ‘ethics’ has to be replaced by ‘what’s best for all’.

Gold digger
I find the term ‘gold digger’ interesting as well. As long as the current money system is in place we are all gold diggers at the expense of others. Within the current system there is no way around this. We will remain mercenary’s fighting our private wars up to the point where people are fighting wars merely for survival. The end is predictable and like all wars, not a ‘pretty picture’. A battlefield shows us the actual state of this world without the censorship on behalf of money.

Breaking this chain is my struggle at the moment because I have too make money. I have to find gold. I finished a project and new work has to come otherwise I’m in trouble. So I the mercenary must either find a steady job or start visiting the warlords of trade in order to rent myself out again. In both cases I’m a mercenary fighting a private war for survival = money. It’s inevitable. In order to be able to move myself I have to make money. Me behind this computer inside this house in this village in holland has to make money to sustain the content of this sentence.

Solution
Humanity needs answers and practical solutions because there is no more room to expand. We are facing the biggest task ever in human history. How to save humanity? How do we turn ourselves from individual gold diggers into ‘equal’ participants within an Equal Money System? Without any reasonable doubt, the only system that’s best for all.

The war to end all wars
If we look at this task from our personal perspectives as dueling-‘individuus‘ (individuals / the divided), it seems impossible. At the same time we realize that we are all participating in a scheme called ‘world economics’. We are all individually responsible for reaching this point of no return. We don’t fight for a cause anymore we are fighting for money and within that realization I cannot trust myself or anybody in the world around me that thinks science, politics, religion or spirituality will figure it out.

We will have to figure it out for ourselves and the moment you start using common sense you realise that the only way is the Equal Money way. It has to come bottom up from you and me forming groups that will stand as living examples of support giving to others what we would like to receive. Can I do this?

Warrior
For now my weapon is ‘my pen’, my strategy self honesty. I will be a warrior for the Equal Money System. The Desteni I Process will be my tool to bring forth the change within me. For now I live two lives until I stand.

The Equal Money system will be a first step in the political agenda of the Equal Life Party worldwide once we start participating in democratic elections. Join the Desteni Forum for discussions.

Mommy's making mommy's

The pair ends

In the previous post I ran onto (fore lack of a better description) ‘my mommy point’. That point when one as a child starts investigating the world. Where you take a step outside the comfort zone knowing mommy is there to run back too when things go 'bad'. Exploring the world from a safe haven whereby one slowly learns how to cope with what the world throws at us. A way of building confidence by ‘failing’ so to speak. As we said in BMX: “learning how too fall is more important than falling”. You will fall so you better get good at it!

We all come from the one person that’s responsible for us all being here. A mother. We all had one and from there we created that what is here reading these lines. That what we accepted and allowed ourselves to become. Where is that line between where parenting ends and we become self aware, independent individuals? Individuals?

The word individual is interesting. It comes from the latin word Individuus, from in- ‘not’ + dividuus ‘divisible’ (from dividere ‘to divide’ ). Divided as “separated into parts”. Isn’t that what we call 'sorting'. Where do I fit in? In what category am I 'sorted'. How are my characteristics defined and when do 'I' divide into the individual?

A pair of them

As I grew older I started noticing everyone having particular parents. As a child this was strange to me. All I could refer too where my own mom and dad so that was the only concept of 'parents' I had. Later in life I started too talk about parents with other people. I was kind of shocked that there where people that where not so happy with their parents. I mean some would recall them as the best thing in their life and some would despise them. Then there where people that didn’t even know their parents. Parents, a 'strange' relationship. You relate too the parents you have and that's it. There is no choice.

I became aware that I was spoiled by my parents through people that where not spoiled by there parents. If you are abused by your parents you will know this trough people that where nurtured by them. We thus always see ourselves and others through the parenting that was done. It also means we are always looking into the past when we are interacting with other people. Seeing myself is no different. When I’m looking at myself I’m looking into the past. The place where ‘I’ originate from beginning with the womb of my mother. That moment where my mother and father where divided from individuals to parents. Where the pair ended and brought forth and divided.

What about cloning? Well cloning can only be done if there is genetic material that derived from a mom and a dad. So without parents no cloning and no human race. Parents are the essential ingredient to what we call humanity. As human beings we are always connected to our parents, their parents, parenting and thus too humanity as a whole. Strangely enough nobody seems to live this reality and I think that’s because we are 'individuals', we are divided. 

Very upsetting especially to a child the moment it become aware of this, which is mostly during puberty. The way kids get trough puberty and adapt to reality determines almost everything that’s going to happen later in life. So what does this tell me about the phase before puberty? Isn’t that phase the most important one in a child's life and what role do the parents play during that phase? Do they think about stuff like this before a child is born? Are we as parents and teachers fully aware of what a child is going through ones it’s stuck in this reality of adults? Do we as adults ‘listen’ to children?

My words are dead

As a kid I had a LOT of trouble adapting to reality. In fact I’m still in the process of figuring out what ‘reality’ actually means. At least I’m sure that reality is in our heads because that’s where we ‘think’ we are. So reality can be whatever we think it to be. It’s what we think of it.

We create reality through thinking and parenting and it’s all done from our collective past. Reality is looking into the past and seeing what we ‘the creators’ created. If I don’t change my present the future will look awfully similar to the past (maybe a little more futuristic). Apparently all the thinking, effort, prayers, wishes and best intentions of the parents before us couldn’t prevent the big fuck up reality is right now. We are doing a horrible job parenting this world and that’s reality as I see it.

For me it all boils down to the fact that ‘I do not live my words in this reality’! And that’s what I must have done in the past otherwise I would not be where I am today. I live in a self created dream I call ‘my reality’. An extension of my childhood where at one point I disappeared into my head and never came back. Where the boy became a man like all men that fuck(ed) this world into oblivion. How did I end up living this illusion?

Moms safety

When I was about 12-13 years old I became aware that I soon had too leave the ‘save’ little world of, my neighbourhood, friends and Lego. The daily routine of coming home to my mother after primary school. I remember doing tests in school and that teachers began talking with a different voice, all serious all of a sudden. As if the fun was now over. Fear the future children for now it gets serious. Yes it did. I had to answer these grown ups what I wanted to do with my life. What secondary school I wanted to attend. I didn’t had a clue.

My parents took me to open houses. We visited several schools and for the first time it hit me that I was living in a different dimension than they did. All I can remember before this moment was being a happy playful kid with a lot of ‘energy’, a rich imagination and no fears about the future. I never got bored and I always felt save. This sudden realisation scared the crap out of me.

The kid that was me had a head full of images that ran wild. Being a boy those images mostly had to do with men stuff. I remember being fascinated by technology. I wasn’t good at math but I could give a speech about Leonardo da Vinchi without preparing for it. So to me school was just another place to play around with my interests. I was fascinated by everything technical. Especially spaceflight and stuff related to flying in general. My childhood was about fighter planes, flying aces and big battles (exactly like my father). My parents allowed me too watch a lot of television. I think it was kind of ‘normal’ in those days. People didn’t have a clue about the impact of television / media. To tell a vision or Tell a vise. Interesting. At least we can see what television brought us. I saw a lot of things that where not ‘meant’ for children’s eyes. That's for sure.

Reading

As soon as I was able to read and owned a library pass there was a fresh stack of books next too my bed every week. At first it was all about the great wonders of the world. The pyramids, the romans, vikings, etc. But the thing that stands out from the beginning is my fascination with war. I was fascinated by weapons systems from the old. From catapults used by the romans up too bouncing bombs used in the second world war to the gunships used in vietnam. If there was a war movie on television I would wine and beg till my parents allowed me too stay up late too watch it.

I think my father ‘loved’ it. He was born in 1940 and had vivid memories of dogfights between German Messerschmitt’s and English Hurricanes and Spitfires in the sky’s above our village. He was also walking the streets as a four year old when the english mistakenly bombed our town and a bomb nearly killed him. I heard that story at least a hundred times. The sealing of my bedroom was completely filled with model airplanes. I could tell the story on all of them. I was that Steven Spielberg kid that would fly too the moon someday. If a plain would fly by I could tell you the type just from the engine noise. In school this often led to irritated teachers because when a plane flew by I would do exactly that. I was obsessed with aeroplanes and flying.

My father loved to talk. So any questions from me regarding history, aeroplanes, the war or whatever where always answered with elaborate and colourful stories. And I have heard his life’s stories a million times. At least I know I come from a rather 'eccentric' family. My father kind of was my internet. I got all the information on everything I wanted to know from him. If I asked a question he would talk every time all the time. He also loved to colour his stories. Making things more intense and impressive than they actually where. I sucked it all inn and eventually became exactly like him. My mother tried to equalize this stream of information but was no match to the oral tsunami my father produced. My mother had 3 dominant males in the house. It must have been a nightmare for her.

Mysteries

My father and ‘I’ both had a fascination with mystery shit like spontaneous combustion, the bermuda triangle etc. I read bookshelves on that stuff. One of the stories that triggered my imagination immensely was that of Flight 19 that disappeared over the Bermuda triangle. I read all this stuff between 8 and 12 years of age and I was able to dish it all up into minute detail.

I was also completely addicted too television. I remember seeing a lot of stuff that was definitively not rated ‘all ages’. Ratings didn’t even exist back then. I saw horrific stuff about the holocaust, napalm bombing in vietnam etc. The stories that made the biggest impression where those that had too do with fighter pilots and special forces. Especially stuff behind enemy lines. I remember watching Colditz a British television series that screened between 1972 and 1974. The series deals with Allied prisoners of war imprisoned at the Colditz Castle. I must have been around 6-7 years old at the time and I remember being very emotional and tears flowing as I watched a scene where a B17 and crew go down behind enemy lines. I think my parents didn’t have a clue about the impact television had on me.

Puberty

Was my full frontal collision with reality. My universe sort of collided with another. Everything changed the moment I had to go to High school. I felt completely alienated from my surroundings and literally everything hardened. It felt like concrete was poured into me. I had to grow into something but didn’t have a clue what ‘that’ was. I didn’t want to grow up. I filled my head with violence and fear. I wanted to fit in but couldn’t figure it out. I began too think that there was something wrong with me. I became an outcast in high school and was bullied extensively for more than 3 years.

It drove my parents crazy. Especially my mother. She became desperate. My parents must have felt guilty because they tried a lot of things to make my life ‘fun’. Through my own experience I now realise that what a child like that needs is living examples of how things work in this world and especially why.

In my last year of high school there was a bullying incident where I snapped and nearly killed someone. That moment was an eye opener because it had an immediate effect on the ones that where harassing me. They stopped! So from that moment on I started projecting physical confidence. It was the only way too create my own space. I could do this because of my sport which was BMX. BMX saved me from going nuts. The only thing in life that gave me confidence at that moment was BMX. So it was me and my bike everyday all day.

The Mother

Inside I was extremely insecure and my self image was one of complete failure and incompetence. To the outside I was a daredevil, a rebel and a troublemaker. Always pushing the limits. I was an extremely annoying boy to say the least. Always talking, always having the last word and stubborn to the bone. I pretended that I didn’t give a fuck and I camped in my head most of the time. A child like this today would immediately be diagnosed with ADHD, PDD NOS or whatever and probably end up in a corner medicated and drooling. 

Mother

mom |mäm|, noun informal, one's mother. Abbreviation of momma.

Imitative of a child's first syllables ma, ma.

Origin

Old English mōdor, of Germanic origin; related to Dutch moeder and German Mutter, from an Indo-European root shared by Latin mater and Greek mētēr.

verb [ trans. ]

1 [often as n. ] ( mothering) bring up (a child) with care and affection : the art of mothering.

• look after kindly and protectively, sometimes excessively so : she felt mothered by her older sister.

2 dated give birth to.

Looking back and seeing my mother I wander. Is there a mothering school where a woman can go before getting a child? No. So where do mothers get educated when it comes to raising their children? What does a mother want to teach her children and with what purpose? How many parents ask themselves these tricky questions in self honesty before sending their kids to schools full of old information? And if these questions are brought to the table, how many parents get solid answers? I think I stumbled upon a bit of a problem here and more than 150.000.000 children worldwide don’t even get educated.

Mother nature

In nature the program is simpler and able to sustain some kind of equilibrium that humans are unable to grasp. Probably because it’s too simple. A lion baby will be raised by lions within a group of lions. If the pup would start to behave like a hamster the outcome is predictable. When growing up, a lion kitten will learn to hunt and catch his own meat or it will die.

I think it would be the same with children if it wasn’t for the fact that they have human parents. Beings with complex and highly egotistical forms of ‘artificial intelligence programs’. So what can one expect from humans? Believe systems are programmed into babies by us the parents? Everything of the parents is projected onto the child. And in this world it means that the newborn is always loaded with old and incomplete information. The moment a child starts to think for him or herself he or she starts operating from the past exactly like the parents did. It's using their, morality, coping mechanisms, personality. This means we experience the same fucking bullshit our parents experienced again and again?

So that’s what happened too me, to all of us. There is no concept of 'equality' in our source code. It’s why humanity is not evolving but exploding. It’s why we are now experiencing a world on the brink of collapse. We are all running software that’s not 'best for all'. As parents and children we are all as individuals responsible for updating our operating systems. I mean we can all see with our own eyes what the old programs are producing just to clear the point. How can anything change if we keep copy pasting ourselves?

Stop recycling

Let’s all become software developers for the new world. At Desteni we focus on educating ourselves the ‘adults’ in this world that will eventually be having kids or not. Educating already existing parents to teach to their descendants how it is that we as human beings require an actual Education in consideration of each other as Equals. With actual practical application which implies an entire reform to the Educational system. A system which Is flawed and money-driven. As a consequence you experience the world as it is today.

Let’s make parents the actual teachers of this world to breed a world that’s best for all. Visit the Desteni I Process website to Educate yourself and Invest on Life Skills that can be practically applied no matter where in the world you are. Let’s make children the actual Future of the world: a World of Life in Equality for All.

Investigate the Equal Money System to see how Education will no longer be directed by money-making skills but Life Skills to LIVE and not merely survive.

Body language...

17 03 2011

What is happening...
What a week it has been so far, and am I judging this week as different than last week? As in more impressive or having more in store than usual? Yes I do. Let me say this. The weekend was physical and confronting. This has to do with sharing me with another person. That makes a difference. The most important realisation I’m having at the moment is the one of ‘physicality’. It’s somewhat difficult for me to express or explain exactly what I mean. I’m starting to rediscover my physical body again. But it’s not in the way I used to explore or be aware of it.

Observing my daughter in the water
The weekend started physical because I go and swim with my daughter whenever we get the change. Last week she took her toy diving goggle and a snorkel with her for the first time. In the water I took the time teaching her how she had to breath, keep the class from fogging up, her posture in the water etc. I noticed a very interesting thing. Her whole physical expression as a body submerged in water changed the moment she stuck her head in the water and started looking around through her goggle. Normally her expression while swimming is rather hectic. It’s the point I remark on the most when she swims. Slow down, relax, you don’t need all that movement to keep floating. Now when she looked down through those goggles and into the swimming pool, her body completely gave itself over to the water. The two kind of merged and she was floating comfortably on the surface looking into the swimming pool while breathing through her snorkel. She got it within the minute. I was a bit amazed.

The conversation of water with water
So I decided there and then I would buy her a decent Diving goggle and snorkel. So this week we where in the water again and she was hooked from the first minute. We where in the water for nearly two hours straight. My daughter is six years old and I’m 42. I’m always amazed of her physical stamina. I mean I’m probably still thinking that my physical condition is OK but it’s really not to be honest. I would probably kill myself if I tried to keep up with my six year old daughter on a physical level (lol). Anyway the element of water is kind of a rediscovery because the swimming agreement with my daughter forces me to swim on a regular base. I often noticed that I would be totally tired after being in the pool with her. A real physical tiredness. Every muscle in my body would feel drained of it’s power. In the ‘back of my head’ I know it’s not just the physical strain. My body releases stress when I’m in the water and It’s moving muscle groups that are parked in neutral during the rest of the week. Tension that is locked up inside those muscles releases and the body has to disperse the ‘acid-toxins’ that go with that. This is actually hard work so you get tired. Common sense I suppose.


It’s a physical thing
Walking back to the car after being in the pool for two hours immediately confronted me with this fact and it brings the point of ‘self-intimacy’ back. My daughter still has a strong connection with her physical body. And she is dispersing all these things naturally. If I don’t give these points attention my body will start to manifest problems. It is doing that all ready lol. So was I tired? Yes I was. But I’m always ‘that tired’, I’m just not aware of it. It gets stored inside my muscle tissue like carbage inside a landfill an there it rots away until the whole landfill get’s ‘moved’. That’s when ‘the gas’ is released and you smell ‘the smell’. Fascinating. 

Stop and look
The rest of the weekend was physical and fascinating too because I had a buddy visiting me. This meant little sleep, lot’s of talking and again physical work-out because I give her massages. Monday was fascinating because I was completely done. I was really and I mean really tired. No emotions just tired. I went with it. Slowed myself down and slept it out for two days. Luckily appointments got ‘magically’ cancelled and I was able to just be there in this rather strange state of mind. I felt like being in more than one place at the same time. No focus, no drive. Was it laziness? Stop judging Mike. 


'My' body the one and only
I’m fucking freaking tired and my body is telling me what happened over the last 10 years. It’s shocking what I have accepted and allowed to be stored inside my body. It’s a huge point and it makes all the difference in the world. Do I address or do I ignore? Ignoring the fact that all the shit get’s stored means destroying the only thing that is real in my reality. It’s my body and I’m not even aware of it. How fucked up is that.

‘Being’ inside my body
Yesterday I had my 3rd appointment with my Kinesiologist. I got my ‘Kraneo’ head massage. I could wright a book just about that hour being massaged and ‘touched’. I want to keep it short though so I’ll  stick to the points. I’m becoming aware of the fact that I’m floating on an ocean of pain. Every cell in my body is screaming but my ears are stuffed. I relax and I relax even more. The more I relax the more I’m aware of this overwhelming presence of ‘pain’ that is stored in my body. I could rant about systems and shit but I’m no authority so in my own words. It’s pain. Painful, personal. Information stored in every cell as me as what I have defined myself of over the coarse of my life. And it is huge!

A universe of pain
During the massage I really went into it and the horror cannot be described. It’s so vast I can’t bring it into words. But I was ‘OK’. Observing the whole thing and letting my body do the ‘talking’. The massage was aimed at equalizing the right and left hemispheres of the brain. I noticed myself inside and as the absolute outline of my physical body (being a balloon). Inside was nothing and outside was nothing. It was just me. Everything else was pain! The balloon was kept in place by pain it was defined by pain. I was watching one of the most exiting movies ever and it was al me...

The ghost image
L left me on the table wen she was finished. I waited till my eyes opened up and got up and off the table. L looked me in the eyes and was apparently satisfied with the results. “I don’t want to see you again, call whenever you think it’s necessary”. Laughter and that was it. I was very thank full for this experience. Getting support like this cannot be described in words. It has to be experienced. Is it fun? No. Is it cool? Yes. Getting to know the horror that is stored inside my body... Well it’s something else. Walking back to the car I wasn’t even completely in my body. It was like being in a time-lapse behind it. Like a silk scarf in the wind that follows the movement of that what pulls it.

Off the brakes
I haven’t really got anything done this week (matrix wise) and it’s Thursday as we speak. There is so much going on inside me but I can’t pinpoint what it is or what 'they' are. To be honest, I don’t want to. I’m here. I’m breathing. I’m slowing down. I’m slowing down for real. Not because my mind or the 'to-do' list tells me too but because It’s how it is. It's me slowing down and I'm freaking thankfull for that. This process is actually pain-full (full of pain, intresting). And I have an overwhelming urge to stop everything I’m doing. Just to stop myself completely. At least I allowed myself to take it easy and sleep it off. Did a lot of sleeping. It’s fascinating and it’s me that's doing it.

One breath at the time.

Killing my own darlings

25 01 2011

Where my money comes from?
I wasn’t consistent in my daily writings the past few weeks. Been working hard in the matrix because the money point needed attention big time. Lot's of fears and I was drifting all over the place. April 2010 I started working on a rather big project. For a company that does 24 million euros in revenues a year. I mainly work on corporate identity projects. These projects take time which means I don’t have to be in involved in cold acquisition every month. I wouldn’t survive the horror of having to do that. Anyway It’s a lot of work meaning a lot of hours. Doing one big project a year brings in about 10-15.000,- on top off the small stuff. This is just enough for me to survive and pay the morgage.

Moving inside the wolfpack
Make no mistake, this is the corporate world. I love my work but 'that world' is a different story. The corporate world is 'fuckup' beyond believe. I’m independent since 2006 but earning money in this system is no fairy-tale. I mostly deal with people on general management level. This means I as an outsider always step into a group in which the rules are already laid out. So before I can do my thing I have to know the rules of the pack I’m getting myself into.

The pack from the inside out 
Imagine people closely working together for more than eleven years. They have there own codes, lingo and group behaviour. I’m never sure if what I see is what I get. There are so many unwritten rules and secrets. So much psychology I’m not aware of and at the same time I’m responsible for fairly intensive periods of change within an organisation. In theory you could say it’s their own wish, they want to change and they need the expert advice. Getting this done is another story though. I’m dealing with people and confront them with change that wil affect their daily lives. These are the hard facts about working inside a pack. The pack is always more important then the individual. This relates back to the 'corporate identity', meaning that I will be confronted with different opinions, ego’s and resistance sooner or later.

The misconception of 'value'
A lot of corporate identity issues have to do with ‘perceived value or intrinsic value’. This means that a lot of what is communicated has nothing to do with measurable facts or 'real' value. Being in this process of confronting myself in self-honesty is the opposite of my daily work. It’s schizophrenic beyond words. Corporate communication is the business of professional liars and spin-doctors. All those companies claim human values and the whole spectrum of clichés that go with it. I’m on the inside observing from the war rooms of deception. The company I was working for employs 75 people that they hire out to large institutions in the Netherlands. Hospitals, schools, government and large companies. Big IT projects that need management. I soon found out that the management team knew exactly what they where inn for. In contrast to the CEO who was still completely in the dark

Being part of the illusion
After my first presentation about the strategy and proposed identity they where very impressed and they liked the strategy, visionary aspects and points off change I presented. I got my first uncensored feedback from people below the general management and the CEO. People that where in the field. The breathing living workforce that makes an organisation what it is. The physical reality of this brand. They addressed the pressure points spot on. That’s when I started to feel really uncomfortable. They asked exactly the same questions I asked the CEO 3 months earlier. He told me he was going to create an internal team of people that would take on the task of internalising the new strategies within the organisation. So to be confronted with the fact that this didn’t happen in the middle of a presentation in front of all employees had to be rather embarrassing for mister CEO. But what I observed blew my mind. He stepped forward and without hesitation and full of confidence started ranting about the future, sharing, personal targets etc. etc. He was completely in his own world as I watched in horror how 75 people slowly but steadily lost complete interest or got hypnotized by words without any substance.

Stuck in nothingness
I felt ashamed to be there. I felt like the people in the audience. Being fucked with a straight face. And there I am. Me, my, a company consultant next to this person who completely believes his own story. I can’t even blame him. I mean I’m just as mindfucked as he is, it’s just in a different place. But in that moment I somehow knew this was not going to work. It was not real and my strategy was built on real values that had to be in place otherwise this strategy would not work. Afterwards People on the board (asskissers to the CEO) spoke to me. I got compliments, taps on the back you know the drill. So I’m driving home in this snowblast not being able to really drive and my mind is everywhere. It’s not going to work. He does not understand or sees it. Doesn’t take himself serious enough and he’s leading the company not me. What can I do?

To do or not to do?
Nothing. There is absolutely nothing I can do. Making a stand would mean confronting this man. The outcome of telling men with ego’s the size of aircraft carriers the painful truth is shockingly simple. You get eliminated as a threat. Removed from their matrix and replaced by someone who doesn’t ask questions. I’m inside a part of the moneysystem generator. It’s so clear, shockingly clear. In these moments I really lose it. Horrible fear! Sickening vibes in my stomach. Not a clou of how I would be able to apply myself in this line of work in the future.

Not being directive enough
Third big project as an independent consultant and I more or less knew this one was not going to have an happy ending. I decided to just stick to it. I needed the money. So in that moment I kind of decided I would be prostituting myself. And If I was to be making money I would have to keep doing it. This would get to a point where money would meet my ethics and self-honesty and I would brake and loose it. To cut a long story short. Because of his complete lack of knowledge on the subject a lot of hours had to be added in what could have been a fairly straightforward process. So eventually I add up the hours over a two month period and this ads up to 227 billable hours. The CEO promised me he would straighten out the financial aspects with me before he went on a four week holiday with his family.

Consequences
I mailed him several times and a day before he would fly I got him on the telephone. He promised to have a proposal on my desk before he flew. He flew without the promised proposal. That’s where it cracked. So I wrote my first honest mail. In which I confronted him as a person that not stood to his own word. In other words I called him a liar. This is not done in business. I received a reply full off apologies and the next promise that he would have everything in order the moment he returned from his holiday. I was on him the same day he returned. Nothing. Fried air and bullshit-bingo excuses. In that moment I played out the only card I had wich was the very expensive corporate brochure that was going into production. Half of it was paid in advance so his MONEY was in there. I told him that legally I owned the creative and intellectual contents of that brochure (which is actually true but very hard and EXPENSIVE! to defend in court). So this worked. I also told him I wanted all the money he owed me at once. No more spread out payments or tax constructs. Pay the fucking money. I wrote a mail that was angry, personal and had all the raw facts of his behaviour in it. The money was transferred and I committed commercial suicide. That was yesterday. That’s the moneyfuck.

Tomorrow I will be Walking the streets again looking for another customer to screw. It sickens me. Tomorrow I’m going to apply for a job. Again!