Day-017-Is there something in it for me?

For the last few months I have been working freelance out of town a few kilometers instead of from home. This makes it a bit problematic for my dog who has to stay home alone. I could take her to work but it's far from Ideal because she would have to be outside on a leash all day. So my parents stepped in and said they where okay with having the dog over at their place during the day. Our family had dogs as long as I can remember so my parents are more than comfortable around dogs. My mother has a slight problem with her hips so my father is the one who takes the dog for a little stroll around lunch.

The dog loves to stay at my parents I can tell because she communicates it as soon as she knows we are heading for my parents house. One could say the dog and my parents 'love' each other.

Now I'm having a friend over from Amsterdam and we decided it might be a good Idea to take a road trip up to amsterdam to look at this friends new house that was just finished. So I need someone to take care of the dog. My brother is on holiday so I see myself calling my parents to ask if it's possible to take care of my dog for a night. My dad picks up the phone and tells me it's not a problem.

When I arrive to drop of my dog I start small talking with my dad who's finishing up a paint job. Then my mother comes into the room. Her face frowned, and she looks irritated. So there must be something on her mind. And yes within a few sentences she more or less shares that she is not ok with the dog staying. I say "ok" only problem is that I already got the 'go' ahead from dad and I'm about ten minutes from leaving for Amsterdam. So I ask about the problem/friction between her and my dad.

So she starts making her point(s) and within this starts ranting as I have heard her rant a thousand times before. That stuff in my life is not her responsibility and that she's ok with the dog staying during the week but not in the weekends, only in emergency's and so forth. Her frustration and anger starts seeping trough and the stream of information becomes ever more emotional/energized. I can feel the surge within myself as well so I realize I have to stop my participation within this and take corrective action.

First of I need to clarify, so I ask If the deal is of and if I should I make other arrangements? I'm not getting a straight answer, instead I get more ranting. I listen a bit more take a breath and ask again; "Should I make other arrangements?" Apparently it irritates her that I'm not participating within the argument and words spoken and that I'm not as reactive as I would normally be. Instead I stick to the binary equation of dog stay–dog go. So again I state that I want to take action and make other arrangements if she's not ok with the situation. Still no answer. I notice that she's getting even more frustrated by me not participating within the argument. Eventually she says; "OK but it's only for one night".

 -?-

A question I should have asked myself a long time ago. Why the fuzz? Why the energy? Why now? Why here? Why me? Why participate? Why this person? Why this point? Why this specific point? Why make it worse?

Walking home I ponder on what just happened. And looking back the 'only for one night' statement stands out. The question is about one night so why is the word 'only' used.

– 'Only'–

Or 'only' because it's you? Or 'only' this once? Onelie. Interesting. Looking at myself when I use this 'only' as in a one lie construction is stating that I'm making an exception. It's a hidden I ow you you ow me. It's a manipulation pattern that binds people within relationships within the point of mutual fuckness. It's a worm on a hook. A hidden agenda.  There is a pattern behind the way the word is used and it has something to do with 'gaining'. So what's the pattern and what is there to 'gain'?

I see that it's all about relationships and emotions being released. I'm not some guy on the street, I'm the son of the mother that has raised me and my brother and is married to my father for over forty years. A lot of shit happens in forty years believe me. So the dog is merely the trigger. It could have been anything.

Obviously something is suppressed. It's what people do especially in relationships and particular within family. You take it in, you bare the load. You stick to it through thick and thin. You take shit you wouldn't take from a stranger and sacrifice what you have untill… Yes untill what? Untill you realize you have been fucking working your ass of your whole life. Went through the pain of carrying two babies watched as they tried to find their way in a world you don't understand yourself and neither do they. You see your parents and family get old and sick and die. You see the world change into something that departs from everything you as a child believed in. You take on the role of being there for everyone. To be the stability point becoming ever more unstable yourself because all this energy is eating away at you literally. Then your husband get's his first stroke and you realize some day in the not to distant future me and my children will be all that's left. And one of them is this fucker with a dog and an opinion and it's my son. What the fuck?

Placing myself in my mothers shoes seeing myself having children that grow up in world that changed from a postwar fairytale into a consumer megapolis with internet and facebook friends. Is far from coronation street and the sturdy family structures my parents come from. Present reality with Television-feeds coming straight from the tips of precision bombs dropped from drones guided by youngster that don't know the difference between their playstation and workstation. It's hard for me to get my head around this shit let alone the generation my parents belong to.

The future as in now is not at all playing out like the cosy family weekends we had gathering berries in my grandmothers garden. I grew up in a family structure that dictated who, what, where and when very clearly. What I see in people including myself is a point where one gives up and says; "leave me alone, I had enough". Problem is, then what? I cannot simply stop what I'm doing. I created this whole outflow of events including my children. What the fuck! Yes what the fuck! Family and friends and the extend of brainwashing that takes place when we interact and subtly exchange and upload these morality programs as we develop our relationships. Eventually I will realize that I fucked it all up because that is exactly what I was supposed to do and now I'm to ashamed to admit it. In fact everybody is!

It's quite a fuckup and seeing myself participating and reacting within this throughout my life does not paint the picture any prettier. It's time to get to the raw experience of myself and what it means to be part of society within a family and the effects I have on the world around me within every breath. Every gesture, tonality, word I used to create the world around me and the effect I have on other beings as I constantly project and manipulate myself from the starting point of self interest.

You can stay up late ('only') if you help me do the dishes tonight.

See, where can we go from there? Let's start removing the blindfold from what is called the cornerstone of society and see the devastation it has brought upon humanity. No place keeps us hidden from the raw experience of ourselves better than a well oiled family structure and teachers coming from the same place. I will myself to embrace my mother and father as they where born from the ones that went before. I realize that the children that come will only have a chance If I create that chance for them by changing myself.

To be continued.

Mommy's making mommy's

The pair ends

In the previous post I ran onto (fore lack of a better description) ‘my mommy point’. That point when one as a child starts investigating the world. Where you take a step outside the comfort zone knowing mommy is there to run back too when things go 'bad'. Exploring the world from a safe haven whereby one slowly learns how to cope with what the world throws at us. A way of building confidence by ‘failing’ so to speak. As we said in BMX: “learning how too fall is more important than falling”. You will fall so you better get good at it!

We all come from the one person that’s responsible for us all being here. A mother. We all had one and from there we created that what is here reading these lines. That what we accepted and allowed ourselves to become. Where is that line between where parenting ends and we become self aware, independent individuals? Individuals?

The word individual is interesting. It comes from the latin word Individuus, from in- ‘not’ + dividuus ‘divisible’ (from dividere ‘to divide’ ). Divided as “separated into parts”. Isn’t that what we call 'sorting'. Where do I fit in? In what category am I 'sorted'. How are my characteristics defined and when do 'I' divide into the individual?

A pair of them

As I grew older I started noticing everyone having particular parents. As a child this was strange to me. All I could refer too where my own mom and dad so that was the only concept of 'parents' I had. Later in life I started too talk about parents with other people. I was kind of shocked that there where people that where not so happy with their parents. I mean some would recall them as the best thing in their life and some would despise them. Then there where people that didn’t even know their parents. Parents, a 'strange' relationship. You relate too the parents you have and that's it. There is no choice.

I became aware that I was spoiled by my parents through people that where not spoiled by there parents. If you are abused by your parents you will know this trough people that where nurtured by them. We thus always see ourselves and others through the parenting that was done. It also means we are always looking into the past when we are interacting with other people. Seeing myself is no different. When I’m looking at myself I’m looking into the past. The place where ‘I’ originate from beginning with the womb of my mother. That moment where my mother and father where divided from individuals to parents. Where the pair ended and brought forth and divided.

What about cloning? Well cloning can only be done if there is genetic material that derived from a mom and a dad. So without parents no cloning and no human race. Parents are the essential ingredient to what we call humanity. As human beings we are always connected to our parents, their parents, parenting and thus too humanity as a whole. Strangely enough nobody seems to live this reality and I think that’s because we are 'individuals', we are divided. 

Very upsetting especially to a child the moment it become aware of this, which is mostly during puberty. The way kids get trough puberty and adapt to reality determines almost everything that’s going to happen later in life. So what does this tell me about the phase before puberty? Isn’t that phase the most important one in a child's life and what role do the parents play during that phase? Do they think about stuff like this before a child is born? Are we as parents and teachers fully aware of what a child is going through ones it’s stuck in this reality of adults? Do we as adults ‘listen’ to children?

My words are dead

As a kid I had a LOT of trouble adapting to reality. In fact I’m still in the process of figuring out what ‘reality’ actually means. At least I’m sure that reality is in our heads because that’s where we ‘think’ we are. So reality can be whatever we think it to be. It’s what we think of it.

We create reality through thinking and parenting and it’s all done from our collective past. Reality is looking into the past and seeing what we ‘the creators’ created. If I don’t change my present the future will look awfully similar to the past (maybe a little more futuristic). Apparently all the thinking, effort, prayers, wishes and best intentions of the parents before us couldn’t prevent the big fuck up reality is right now. We are doing a horrible job parenting this world and that’s reality as I see it.

For me it all boils down to the fact that ‘I do not live my words in this reality’! And that’s what I must have done in the past otherwise I would not be where I am today. I live in a self created dream I call ‘my reality’. An extension of my childhood where at one point I disappeared into my head and never came back. Where the boy became a man like all men that fuck(ed) this world into oblivion. How did I end up living this illusion?

Moms safety

When I was about 12-13 years old I became aware that I soon had too leave the ‘save’ little world of, my neighbourhood, friends and Lego. The daily routine of coming home to my mother after primary school. I remember doing tests in school and that teachers began talking with a different voice, all serious all of a sudden. As if the fun was now over. Fear the future children for now it gets serious. Yes it did. I had to answer these grown ups what I wanted to do with my life. What secondary school I wanted to attend. I didn’t had a clue.

My parents took me to open houses. We visited several schools and for the first time it hit me that I was living in a different dimension than they did. All I can remember before this moment was being a happy playful kid with a lot of ‘energy’, a rich imagination and no fears about the future. I never got bored and I always felt save. This sudden realisation scared the crap out of me.

The kid that was me had a head full of images that ran wild. Being a boy those images mostly had to do with men stuff. I remember being fascinated by technology. I wasn’t good at math but I could give a speech about Leonardo da Vinchi without preparing for it. So to me school was just another place to play around with my interests. I was fascinated by everything technical. Especially spaceflight and stuff related to flying in general. My childhood was about fighter planes, flying aces and big battles (exactly like my father). My parents allowed me too watch a lot of television. I think it was kind of ‘normal’ in those days. People didn’t have a clue about the impact of television / media. To tell a vision or Tell a vise. Interesting. At least we can see what television brought us. I saw a lot of things that where not ‘meant’ for children’s eyes. That's for sure.

Reading

As soon as I was able to read and owned a library pass there was a fresh stack of books next too my bed every week. At first it was all about the great wonders of the world. The pyramids, the romans, vikings, etc. But the thing that stands out from the beginning is my fascination with war. I was fascinated by weapons systems from the old. From catapults used by the romans up too bouncing bombs used in the second world war to the gunships used in vietnam. If there was a war movie on television I would wine and beg till my parents allowed me too stay up late too watch it.

I think my father ‘loved’ it. He was born in 1940 and had vivid memories of dogfights between German Messerschmitt’s and English Hurricanes and Spitfires in the sky’s above our village. He was also walking the streets as a four year old when the english mistakenly bombed our town and a bomb nearly killed him. I heard that story at least a hundred times. The sealing of my bedroom was completely filled with model airplanes. I could tell the story on all of them. I was that Steven Spielberg kid that would fly too the moon someday. If a plain would fly by I could tell you the type just from the engine noise. In school this often led to irritated teachers because when a plane flew by I would do exactly that. I was obsessed with aeroplanes and flying.

My father loved to talk. So any questions from me regarding history, aeroplanes, the war or whatever where always answered with elaborate and colourful stories. And I have heard his life’s stories a million times. At least I know I come from a rather 'eccentric' family. My father kind of was my internet. I got all the information on everything I wanted to know from him. If I asked a question he would talk every time all the time. He also loved to colour his stories. Making things more intense and impressive than they actually where. I sucked it all inn and eventually became exactly like him. My mother tried to equalize this stream of information but was no match to the oral tsunami my father produced. My mother had 3 dominant males in the house. It must have been a nightmare for her.

Mysteries

My father and ‘I’ both had a fascination with mystery shit like spontaneous combustion, the bermuda triangle etc. I read bookshelves on that stuff. One of the stories that triggered my imagination immensely was that of Flight 19 that disappeared over the Bermuda triangle. I read all this stuff between 8 and 12 years of age and I was able to dish it all up into minute detail.

I was also completely addicted too television. I remember seeing a lot of stuff that was definitively not rated ‘all ages’. Ratings didn’t even exist back then. I saw horrific stuff about the holocaust, napalm bombing in vietnam etc. The stories that made the biggest impression where those that had too do with fighter pilots and special forces. Especially stuff behind enemy lines. I remember watching Colditz a British television series that screened between 1972 and 1974. The series deals with Allied prisoners of war imprisoned at the Colditz Castle. I must have been around 6-7 years old at the time and I remember being very emotional and tears flowing as I watched a scene where a B17 and crew go down behind enemy lines. I think my parents didn’t have a clue about the impact television had on me.

Puberty

Was my full frontal collision with reality. My universe sort of collided with another. Everything changed the moment I had to go to High school. I felt completely alienated from my surroundings and literally everything hardened. It felt like concrete was poured into me. I had to grow into something but didn’t have a clue what ‘that’ was. I didn’t want to grow up. I filled my head with violence and fear. I wanted to fit in but couldn’t figure it out. I began too think that there was something wrong with me. I became an outcast in high school and was bullied extensively for more than 3 years.

It drove my parents crazy. Especially my mother. She became desperate. My parents must have felt guilty because they tried a lot of things to make my life ‘fun’. Through my own experience I now realise that what a child like that needs is living examples of how things work in this world and especially why.

In my last year of high school there was a bullying incident where I snapped and nearly killed someone. That moment was an eye opener because it had an immediate effect on the ones that where harassing me. They stopped! So from that moment on I started projecting physical confidence. It was the only way too create my own space. I could do this because of my sport which was BMX. BMX saved me from going nuts. The only thing in life that gave me confidence at that moment was BMX. So it was me and my bike everyday all day.

The Mother

Inside I was extremely insecure and my self image was one of complete failure and incompetence. To the outside I was a daredevil, a rebel and a troublemaker. Always pushing the limits. I was an extremely annoying boy to say the least. Always talking, always having the last word and stubborn to the bone. I pretended that I didn’t give a fuck and I camped in my head most of the time. A child like this today would immediately be diagnosed with ADHD, PDD NOS or whatever and probably end up in a corner medicated and drooling. 

Mother

mom |mäm|, noun informal, one's mother. Abbreviation of momma.

Imitative of a child's first syllables ma, ma.

Origin

Old English mōdor, of Germanic origin; related to Dutch moeder and German Mutter, from an Indo-European root shared by Latin mater and Greek mētēr.

verb [ trans. ]

1 [often as n. ] ( mothering) bring up (a child) with care and affection : the art of mothering.

• look after kindly and protectively, sometimes excessively so : she felt mothered by her older sister.

2 dated give birth to.

Looking back and seeing my mother I wander. Is there a mothering school where a woman can go before getting a child? No. So where do mothers get educated when it comes to raising their children? What does a mother want to teach her children and with what purpose? How many parents ask themselves these tricky questions in self honesty before sending their kids to schools full of old information? And if these questions are brought to the table, how many parents get solid answers? I think I stumbled upon a bit of a problem here and more than 150.000.000 children worldwide don’t even get educated.

Mother nature

In nature the program is simpler and able to sustain some kind of equilibrium that humans are unable to grasp. Probably because it’s too simple. A lion baby will be raised by lions within a group of lions. If the pup would start to behave like a hamster the outcome is predictable. When growing up, a lion kitten will learn to hunt and catch his own meat or it will die.

I think it would be the same with children if it wasn’t for the fact that they have human parents. Beings with complex and highly egotistical forms of ‘artificial intelligence programs’. So what can one expect from humans? Believe systems are programmed into babies by us the parents? Everything of the parents is projected onto the child. And in this world it means that the newborn is always loaded with old and incomplete information. The moment a child starts to think for him or herself he or she starts operating from the past exactly like the parents did. It's using their, morality, coping mechanisms, personality. This means we experience the same fucking bullshit our parents experienced again and again?

So that’s what happened too me, to all of us. There is no concept of 'equality' in our source code. It’s why humanity is not evolving but exploding. It’s why we are now experiencing a world on the brink of collapse. We are all running software that’s not 'best for all'. As parents and children we are all as individuals responsible for updating our operating systems. I mean we can all see with our own eyes what the old programs are producing just to clear the point. How can anything change if we keep copy pasting ourselves?

Stop recycling

Let’s all become software developers for the new world. At Desteni we focus on educating ourselves the ‘adults’ in this world that will eventually be having kids or not. Educating already existing parents to teach to their descendants how it is that we as human beings require an actual Education in consideration of each other as Equals. With actual practical application which implies an entire reform to the Educational system. A system which Is flawed and money-driven. As a consequence you experience the world as it is today.

Let’s make parents the actual teachers of this world to breed a world that’s best for all. Visit the Desteni I Process website to Educate yourself and Invest on Life Skills that can be practically applied no matter where in the world you are. Let’s make children the actual Future of the world: a World of Life in Equality for All.

Investigate the Equal Money System to see how Education will no longer be directed by money-making skills but Life Skills to LIVE and not merely survive.

The ‘Being’ and the baby...

Trigger

Yesterday it became official that my ex girlfriend and my daughter are going to move to a different city in Germany. The past six and a half years my daughter grew up to be a well-spoken little girl that I saw nearly every week. The physical distance between us was a little half hour by car. This will now increase too about 2 hours (if there are no traffic jams in the ‘ruhr area’ in germany). It doesn’t take a scientist to see the implications this will have on my relationship with my daughter. Everything is going to change from seeing each other on a regular basis to the holidays and long weekends. That’s off coarse on paper because depending on how my work (financial) situation will develop there is no telling if I can make myself available during all the school holidays they have in Germany. So to keep it short, a big point fell through in my life. I can finally start dealing with that point as what I manifested in this reality as fatherhood. The developing situation confronts me with the question of fatherhood in the broader perspective of not being physically on call. I’m removed to the background of the parental/family structure and through that experience points are opening up. These points where hidden so I will try to expand on that.

Consequences

My ex and I never planned for children so that rabbit hole became rather deep for us to navigate. The pregnancy came about due to the simple fact that neither one of us took the responsibilty for ‘birth control’. So we both accepted and allowed ourself to create the reality we face at the moment. It’s the ‘painful’ truth about what I allowed to manifested in this reality. I’m now becoming a symbol I used to despite. My backchat comes up with things like: A father in the distance. A father in the background, never there when I needed you, he lives in Holland and I seldom see him. It’s one of my worst nightmares and it’s manifesting in reality as we speak. Never ever would I see myself here the way it turned out. I look at my thoughts and emotions and the whole spectrum is opening up. Guild, defeat, loss, responsibilty, self judgement. The list is endless. But the situation is irreversible and was always in the back of my mind. A side effect thereof was that I somehow never dared to completely attach myself emotionally to my daughter out of fear of becoming completely lamed the moment this situation would present itself.

I will have to expand on this in a dedicated post because our actions dictate this reality. I'm facing my actions. The consequences are here and they are as real as it gets.

No ego no friction

Looking at the way my daughter and I interact I wonder what the outcome would be if she would experience me having an ‘emotional’ breakdown right now. If I wouldn’t be in ‘process’, facing myself from a different perspective my reaction to this situation would definitively be more emotional. Would that serve my daughter? I don’t think so. So from a starting point of ‘what’s best for all’ the decision to move is fully acceptable. My ex needs a steady job with a ‘future’. Her family will be close by so she will have a platform of support. These factors are not here at the moment so from that perspective I think things are simply moving where they have to move within the system. Financial stability and building a career. Stability it’s as simple as that. Who am I to disrupt this flow of events. It would be an utterly egocentric manifestation to go into this ‘separated father’ construct and create an emotional mess for myself. This is a typical make or brake situation where one either looses it or walks the path of change. It’s very well possible that this experience will open up more points. I will face them and share them in this blog. For now I have to breath, forgive myself and walk a lot of corrections. Which brings me to the next point.

Applying myself

This means taking everybody in this process in to consideration and walk in the best interest of all. Sounds simple but I find it rather difficult. I don’t find it simple although the equation might be. Taking everything in consideration means being aware of what to take in to consideration. ‘All’ is quite extensive to take into consideration. A vast perspective. A thick jungle of thoughts I get lost inn. This is where I ran into a brick wall yesterday and it triggered a lot of back chat. There was this voice that said “you’re fired”... At that moment looking at that point all emotional hell broke loose. I experienced all those moments in my life where I was in front of another person telling me I could start cleaning up my desk. Saying good by to friends and colleagues. Going trough the phase of loss, humiliation, self-defeat, shame, anger, spitefulness, ignorance, depression, money etc. For anyone who’s ever worked in one place for a prolonged period of time and was sagged, you now the drill.

Was es ist...

In the end it’s all ego of the mind. Self definitions. What I accepted and allowed in my life is what is manifested as me. This is just another outflow of that equation. Why did this point come up. What is there to take from what I see here? What’s the pattern? It’s me accepting and allowing myself to create consequence, have opinions and rebel against the system. But the moment that system gives me resistance I don’t push myself trough. It’s me going into denial and self pity instead of standing up, face the consequences and walk a correction. I start to see why I have great difficulties when it comes to getting in gear. Because I don’t. It’s the superego telling me I’m not to blame. It’s a construct of superiority towards people and situations. I’m special. Somehow the rules of the group don’t apply to me. Strangely enough I experience these moments as fear and inferiority. ‘What’s the use’. ‘It won’t work anyway’. I allow myself to become sad and depressed because ‘I just got fired’. It’s the ego given justification to open up my emotional box of pandora and the whole program can start from scratch.

See what condition my condition is in

If I wouldn’t have been in the Desteni ‘I’ Process being where I am and looking at it from the perspective of oneness and equality, well what can I say. It would have been another energetic experience fuelling the intense bitterness that has been accumulating inside me over time. The projection of that bitterness towards this reality and especially myself has been the cause of countless fuckups that prevented me from simply being ‘successful’. It’s all the things I didn’t want to face in my life? The words I didn’t want to hear or speak. The projects that where cancelled. The jobs I lost. The challenges I didn’t take. The ‘relationships’ that fell. All because I became instable because of this bitterness. So it’s up to me to look at what I try to avoid in this world? What is it that I don’t want to acknowledge within me, my self definitions? How come I never appreciated myself as the things I expressed or achieved as a child the way my daughter is doing right now? So in walking this process all that walk have to be taken in to consideration. It means pushing myself in every second every breath. Can I do it? Hell, I don’t know but I’m trying like never before.

Body language...

17 03 2011

What is happening...
What a week it has been so far, and am I judging this week as different than last week? As in more impressive or having more in store than usual? Yes I do. Let me say this. The weekend was physical and confronting. This has to do with sharing me with another person. That makes a difference. The most important realisation I’m having at the moment is the one of ‘physicality’. It’s somewhat difficult for me to express or explain exactly what I mean. I’m starting to rediscover my physical body again. But it’s not in the way I used to explore or be aware of it.

Observing my daughter in the water
The weekend started physical because I go and swim with my daughter whenever we get the change. Last week she took her toy diving goggle and a snorkel with her for the first time. In the water I took the time teaching her how she had to breath, keep the class from fogging up, her posture in the water etc. I noticed a very interesting thing. Her whole physical expression as a body submerged in water changed the moment she stuck her head in the water and started looking around through her goggle. Normally her expression while swimming is rather hectic. It’s the point I remark on the most when she swims. Slow down, relax, you don’t need all that movement to keep floating. Now when she looked down through those goggles and into the swimming pool, her body completely gave itself over to the water. The two kind of merged and she was floating comfortably on the surface looking into the swimming pool while breathing through her snorkel. She got it within the minute. I was a bit amazed.

The conversation of water with water
So I decided there and then I would buy her a decent Diving goggle and snorkel. So this week we where in the water again and she was hooked from the first minute. We where in the water for nearly two hours straight. My daughter is six years old and I’m 42. I’m always amazed of her physical stamina. I mean I’m probably still thinking that my physical condition is OK but it’s really not to be honest. I would probably kill myself if I tried to keep up with my six year old daughter on a physical level (lol). Anyway the element of water is kind of a rediscovery because the swimming agreement with my daughter forces me to swim on a regular base. I often noticed that I would be totally tired after being in the pool with her. A real physical tiredness. Every muscle in my body would feel drained of it’s power. In the ‘back of my head’ I know it’s not just the physical strain. My body releases stress when I’m in the water and It’s moving muscle groups that are parked in neutral during the rest of the week. Tension that is locked up inside those muscles releases and the body has to disperse the ‘acid-toxins’ that go with that. This is actually hard work so you get tired. Common sense I suppose.


It’s a physical thing
Walking back to the car after being in the pool for two hours immediately confronted me with this fact and it brings the point of ‘self-intimacy’ back. My daughter still has a strong connection with her physical body. And she is dispersing all these things naturally. If I don’t give these points attention my body will start to manifest problems. It is doing that all ready lol. So was I tired? Yes I was. But I’m always ‘that tired’, I’m just not aware of it. It gets stored inside my muscle tissue like carbage inside a landfill an there it rots away until the whole landfill get’s ‘moved’. That’s when ‘the gas’ is released and you smell ‘the smell’. Fascinating. 

Stop and look
The rest of the weekend was physical and fascinating too because I had a buddy visiting me. This meant little sleep, lot’s of talking and again physical work-out because I give her massages. Monday was fascinating because I was completely done. I was really and I mean really tired. No emotions just tired. I went with it. Slowed myself down and slept it out for two days. Luckily appointments got ‘magically’ cancelled and I was able to just be there in this rather strange state of mind. I felt like being in more than one place at the same time. No focus, no drive. Was it laziness? Stop judging Mike. 


'My' body the one and only
I’m fucking freaking tired and my body is telling me what happened over the last 10 years. It’s shocking what I have accepted and allowed to be stored inside my body. It’s a huge point and it makes all the difference in the world. Do I address or do I ignore? Ignoring the fact that all the shit get’s stored means destroying the only thing that is real in my reality. It’s my body and I’m not even aware of it. How fucked up is that.

‘Being’ inside my body
Yesterday I had my 3rd appointment with my Kinesiologist. I got my ‘Kraneo’ head massage. I could wright a book just about that hour being massaged and ‘touched’. I want to keep it short though so I’ll  stick to the points. I’m becoming aware of the fact that I’m floating on an ocean of pain. Every cell in my body is screaming but my ears are stuffed. I relax and I relax even more. The more I relax the more I’m aware of this overwhelming presence of ‘pain’ that is stored in my body. I could rant about systems and shit but I’m no authority so in my own words. It’s pain. Painful, personal. Information stored in every cell as me as what I have defined myself of over the coarse of my life. And it is huge!

A universe of pain
During the massage I really went into it and the horror cannot be described. It’s so vast I can’t bring it into words. But I was ‘OK’. Observing the whole thing and letting my body do the ‘talking’. The massage was aimed at equalizing the right and left hemispheres of the brain. I noticed myself inside and as the absolute outline of my physical body (being a balloon). Inside was nothing and outside was nothing. It was just me. Everything else was pain! The balloon was kept in place by pain it was defined by pain. I was watching one of the most exiting movies ever and it was al me...

The ghost image
L left me on the table wen she was finished. I waited till my eyes opened up and got up and off the table. L looked me in the eyes and was apparently satisfied with the results. “I don’t want to see you again, call whenever you think it’s necessary”. Laughter and that was it. I was very thank full for this experience. Getting support like this cannot be described in words. It has to be experienced. Is it fun? No. Is it cool? Yes. Getting to know the horror that is stored inside my body... Well it’s something else. Walking back to the car I wasn’t even completely in my body. It was like being in a time-lapse behind it. Like a silk scarf in the wind that follows the movement of that what pulls it.

Off the brakes
I haven’t really got anything done this week (matrix wise) and it’s Thursday as we speak. There is so much going on inside me but I can’t pinpoint what it is or what 'they' are. To be honest, I don’t want to. I’m here. I’m breathing. I’m slowing down. I’m slowing down for real. Not because my mind or the 'to-do' list tells me too but because It’s how it is. It's me slowing down and I'm freaking thankfull for that. This process is actually pain-full (full of pain, intresting). And I have an overwhelming urge to stop everything I’m doing. Just to stop myself completely. At least I allowed myself to take it easy and sleep it off. Did a lot of sleeping. It’s fascinating and it’s me that's doing it.

One breath at the time.

Time / resistance

03 03 2011

Stuff

I find moving myself through resistance very hard to do. Two weeks ago I applied for a job at an advertising agency about 18 km from where I live. I’m looking for a steady job for quite a while now. Running my own business and everything that comes with it simply consumes to much time. And because my income isn’t steady there is always the fear of money. I’m alone so everything that needs to be done has to be done by me. Paperwork, the house, the car, shopping, cleaning, laundry, acquisition, networking, website, etc etc. 

Running Behind

I recently updated the software I work with. These are my tools. The better I understand how they work the more effective I am in producing my work efficiently. I used to invest rather a lot of time keeping up with the developments. The more I can do myself means less external costs. I’m lacking behind big time. It’s actually starting to slow me down. I have to look for stuff in manuals and menu's while I’m working.  At the same time the clock is ticking and I have to get shit done.

Parenting and planning

On top of that I deal with being a parent mostly every weekend. Picking up my daughter on Friday between 12:00-14:00 and returning her to school the next Monday around 08:00 in Germany. I can hardly get any work done during the weekend. I might watch some videos in the evening or read through the material but I can’t push myself to get out of bed and wright an assignment for example. A lot of resistance. This whole time versus money issue is so fucked up. It’s like there is no freedom at all. Every minute has to be planned and time managed or the whole thing falls apart. That’s the main reason I applied for a steady job. 

WTF

At the moment I find it undo able to get everything done to the minimum standards and investing a responsible amount of time into my Introduction course at the same time. Around 21.00 I’m mostly done. Cant really concentrate. After a day like today where I was really submerged in working out design issues for a client I notice this huge barrier when I switch over to the Desteni material. I start reading and I notice that I can’t get it into my head. And I know it has to become me. Not second nature but first nature. I don’t see myself doing this if my life stays organized like this and at the same time I don’t have a clue on how to organize it otherwise.

Today I got the phone call from the owner of the agency. And he told me he was very sorry but he just couldn’t fit me into a 4 day work schedule. He really needed someone that would be there at least 40 hours. In advertising this means at leat 50 to 55 hours a week. Not including drive time. It’s just impossible. The thing I keep running into is always the same. No option to work part-time. It’s either a shitty job that doesn’t bring enough money or working my ass off and come home wrecked. That’s when the other list has to be done. I know that there are people who do this. How?

When and how

It’s so abstract to me. it’s like that right now. I’m simply tired and want to lay down. Maybe watch a few videos in the videos section on the Desteni site but that’s it. Diving into the DIP, analysing sentences, interpreting words in english and than writing it out. No thanks. My head refuses completely. This is not working. I assumed that an hour a day as was indicated would be enough to stay on track. But I can’t get it done. It all takes way more time than I expected.

Really have to breath and relax now. Been behind this computer from 08.15 this morning with hardly no breaks. I want to lie down now and I’m going to lie down now. Today is done.