Body language...

17 03 2011

What is happening...
What a week it has been so far, and am I judging this week as different than last week? As in more impressive or having more in store than usual? Yes I do. Let me say this. The weekend was physical and confronting. This has to do with sharing me with another person. That makes a difference. The most important realisation I’m having at the moment is the one of ‘physicality’. It’s somewhat difficult for me to express or explain exactly what I mean. I’m starting to rediscover my physical body again. But it’s not in the way I used to explore or be aware of it.

Observing my daughter in the water
The weekend started physical because I go and swim with my daughter whenever we get the change. Last week she took her toy diving goggle and a snorkel with her for the first time. In the water I took the time teaching her how she had to breath, keep the class from fogging up, her posture in the water etc. I noticed a very interesting thing. Her whole physical expression as a body submerged in water changed the moment she stuck her head in the water and started looking around through her goggle. Normally her expression while swimming is rather hectic. It’s the point I remark on the most when she swims. Slow down, relax, you don’t need all that movement to keep floating. Now when she looked down through those goggles and into the swimming pool, her body completely gave itself over to the water. The two kind of merged and she was floating comfortably on the surface looking into the swimming pool while breathing through her snorkel. She got it within the minute. I was a bit amazed.

The conversation of water with water
So I decided there and then I would buy her a decent Diving goggle and snorkel. So this week we where in the water again and she was hooked from the first minute. We where in the water for nearly two hours straight. My daughter is six years old and I’m 42. I’m always amazed of her physical stamina. I mean I’m probably still thinking that my physical condition is OK but it’s really not to be honest. I would probably kill myself if I tried to keep up with my six year old daughter on a physical level (lol). Anyway the element of water is kind of a rediscovery because the swimming agreement with my daughter forces me to swim on a regular base. I often noticed that I would be totally tired after being in the pool with her. A real physical tiredness. Every muscle in my body would feel drained of it’s power. In the ‘back of my head’ I know it’s not just the physical strain. My body releases stress when I’m in the water and It’s moving muscle groups that are parked in neutral during the rest of the week. Tension that is locked up inside those muscles releases and the body has to disperse the ‘acid-toxins’ that go with that. This is actually hard work so you get tired. Common sense I suppose.


It’s a physical thing
Walking back to the car after being in the pool for two hours immediately confronted me with this fact and it brings the point of ‘self-intimacy’ back. My daughter still has a strong connection with her physical body. And she is dispersing all these things naturally. If I don’t give these points attention my body will start to manifest problems. It is doing that all ready lol. So was I tired? Yes I was. But I’m always ‘that tired’, I’m just not aware of it. It gets stored inside my muscle tissue like carbage inside a landfill an there it rots away until the whole landfill get’s ‘moved’. That’s when ‘the gas’ is released and you smell ‘the smell’. Fascinating. 

Stop and look
The rest of the weekend was physical and fascinating too because I had a buddy visiting me. This meant little sleep, lot’s of talking and again physical work-out because I give her massages. Monday was fascinating because I was completely done. I was really and I mean really tired. No emotions just tired. I went with it. Slowed myself down and slept it out for two days. Luckily appointments got ‘magically’ cancelled and I was able to just be there in this rather strange state of mind. I felt like being in more than one place at the same time. No focus, no drive. Was it laziness? Stop judging Mike. 


'My' body the one and only
I’m fucking freaking tired and my body is telling me what happened over the last 10 years. It’s shocking what I have accepted and allowed to be stored inside my body. It’s a huge point and it makes all the difference in the world. Do I address or do I ignore? Ignoring the fact that all the shit get’s stored means destroying the only thing that is real in my reality. It’s my body and I’m not even aware of it. How fucked up is that.

‘Being’ inside my body
Yesterday I had my 3rd appointment with my Kinesiologist. I got my ‘Kraneo’ head massage. I could wright a book just about that hour being massaged and ‘touched’. I want to keep it short though so I’ll  stick to the points. I’m becoming aware of the fact that I’m floating on an ocean of pain. Every cell in my body is screaming but my ears are stuffed. I relax and I relax even more. The more I relax the more I’m aware of this overwhelming presence of ‘pain’ that is stored in my body. I could rant about systems and shit but I’m no authority so in my own words. It’s pain. Painful, personal. Information stored in every cell as me as what I have defined myself of over the coarse of my life. And it is huge!

A universe of pain
During the massage I really went into it and the horror cannot be described. It’s so vast I can’t bring it into words. But I was ‘OK’. Observing the whole thing and letting my body do the ‘talking’. The massage was aimed at equalizing the right and left hemispheres of the brain. I noticed myself inside and as the absolute outline of my physical body (being a balloon). Inside was nothing and outside was nothing. It was just me. Everything else was pain! The balloon was kept in place by pain it was defined by pain. I was watching one of the most exiting movies ever and it was al me...

The ghost image
L left me on the table wen she was finished. I waited till my eyes opened up and got up and off the table. L looked me in the eyes and was apparently satisfied with the results. “I don’t want to see you again, call whenever you think it’s necessary”. Laughter and that was it. I was very thank full for this experience. Getting support like this cannot be described in words. It has to be experienced. Is it fun? No. Is it cool? Yes. Getting to know the horror that is stored inside my body... Well it’s something else. Walking back to the car I wasn’t even completely in my body. It was like being in a time-lapse behind it. Like a silk scarf in the wind that follows the movement of that what pulls it.

Off the brakes
I haven’t really got anything done this week (matrix wise) and it’s Thursday as we speak. There is so much going on inside me but I can’t pinpoint what it is or what 'they' are. To be honest, I don’t want to. I’m here. I’m breathing. I’m slowing down. I’m slowing down for real. Not because my mind or the 'to-do' list tells me too but because It’s how it is. It's me slowing down and I'm freaking thankfull for that. This process is actually pain-full (full of pain, intresting). And I have an overwhelming urge to stop everything I’m doing. Just to stop myself completely. At least I allowed myself to take it easy and sleep it off. Did a lot of sleeping. It’s fascinating and it’s me that's doing it.

One breath at the time.