Where am ‘I’

21 03 2011

Resistance

To start of this post. I’m kind of nervous right now. In front of me is the assignment nr. 3 of the introduction course. The first “real” assignment and I failed. To no surprise because I didn’t understand what I was doing. Today I want to finally get it done. The moment I placed the papers in front of me I got really nervous. So let’s get into that nervousness.

Failing

Is it connected to failing? Yes it’s connected to failing and wanting to be perfect. Wanting to be good at something. I don’t want to share me being a failure. I’m insecure as well. The moment I got out the papers a huge resistance came up. The same resistance I felt in school when I was a kid. Everybody’s good at math. I suck at math and everybody is going to see me screw things up. I don’t want that. I want to ‘feel’ accepted, be part of the group. Last week J Assisted me and we went through the assignment together. Although I got the best support I could think off, the same resistance was there. I tried to breath trough it, remain in the moment, focus on the words spoken and tried to listen. Huge resistance and eventually I got possessed to the point where my mind would go into complete lock. I had to speak it out. “Stop”. I faced myself in a horrible way. Totally lost control. I couldn’t direct myself into something that shouldn't be a hard thing to do but I couldn’t do it. Judgement, inferiority, backchat. It was a horrible experience and I know I will be facing countless ones to come.

What now?

So where the fuck am I standing now. A lot of things are changing in my life right now. They are closely related to relationships and an agreement. I cannot wright about these things specifically because of privacy reasons but the impact it has on me and my process is huge. The way I programmed myself over the coarse of my life is becoming more visible and it’s really not a pretty picture. The extend of my automation, my self-judgement, judgement towards other people, situations. It’s unbelievable and I have to be really aware of my breathing. The way I shut myself down last week was really horrifying. Being aware of having a mind possession and what it does still gives me the creeps. The fact that I’ve had probably thousands if not millions in my life and not even be aware of them is a shocking realisation and that’s an understatement.

Dizzying

Apparently simple daily events that everybody around me takes for granted are beginning to show themselves for what they are. The world around me seems to change dramatically while in fact it’s me that is observing the change within myself. I see that I’m only scratching the surface of self honesty here. Still, if this is only the tip of the iceberg what the hell do I have in store for myself. Yes I’m intimidated as we speak. I feel the urge to flee. I’m watching myself type these words and at the same time I’m close to panicking. It’s utterly schizophrenic to say the least. I’m so grateful for the support I’m getting but I know all of this has to be walked alone. It’s only me that is capable of changing me by walking this shit step by step, breath by breath. Whole books of subjects that have to be addressed are starting to open up on me. I know it’s only me who is able to direct what I take on as the next thing. I see the point in taking one subject and delayer it perfectly. Better to have clarity on one single subject and understand it from the inside out instead of being scattered in information that doesn’t make sense. Kind of what is happening to me as we speak.

Opening up the route

It makes no sense of having all this information available and not be able to take advantage of it because it’s impossible to take on the mountain as a whole. It all starts by scouting a route up there. From there on it’s climbing perfect baby steps. Falling isn’t an option. It consumes to much time to recover from falling and before I know it’s going to be dark on the mountain and the route will be invisible. So how am I gong to direct myself? What steps are the ones to take first? Where am I going to put my feet down? It’s a first ascent on a route I’ve never climbed before. I know what’s involved in climbing. I know there is going to be pain and fear. I know there will be unexpected event’s. Rock slides, falling debris, weather changes. Are they going to stop me from climbing? I know it has to do with willing myself, pushing it beyond the limit to know where the limit is. 

Supreme court

If there is one thing that’s becoming crystal clear it would be my ‘back chat’. Not judging my own ‘back chat’ is becoming increasingly more difficult. Accepting it as it is. This letting go of feelings related to being special, unique, superior. I see it standing in front of me as self created illusion and at the same time I’m still completely controlled by it in daily life. It’s time to apply myself and that’s the hardest part. Bringing it out in the open, bringing it out in the first place. Getting it out for what it is and not judging myself ‘thinking’ I’m not able to see it. Judging myself as stupid or slow. Judgement, shame, vanity oh yes. Having a rather good week you know. Slowing down be reasonable comfortable with myself and then I forget to keep pushing it. 

Comfortably numb

I’m flagging the point of comfort right know. It’s a fucker because I’m starting to see what comfort stands for. For me It’s sort of a mindlock as long as it isn’t shared with another person who is able to see where I really am in that moment and point it out. I experience comfort. It becomes an emotion, a play out. This false sense of security that isn’t supporting my process at all. Me being comfortable is me disappearing into the void of consciousness and backchat most of the time. I cannot express my gratitude and respect for the persons supporting me at the moment. Without them I couldn’t do it. I’m sure about that but it’s me that has to stand sooner or later. Nobody can change me. That’s completely up to me. Experiencing the effects of true support is very humbling. That’s where I run into my back chat. It’s nasty shit I’m observing. The speed in which I tend to fall back into my preprogramming, automated patterns the moment I give in to the ‘feeling’ of comfort of being ‘supported’. The ease of me accepting old patterns of behaviour without even noticing me doing it. I used to think I had a rather clear image about myself. Well that might be correct because that’s exactly what it is. It’s an image and that’s all there is. Me is I, thinking it all up into existence. I’m a picture based robot with an identity disorder (that’s an observation by the way).

Running the coarse

Ok back to my homework. Have to really push myself into finishing my assignment now. The resistance I’m feeling is out of this world. Why? I mean It’s just an assignment. Get the fucking stuff done. What’s the big deal. I’m starting to see how hard it is to be self honest because self is something that becomes like the definition of abstract for me at the moment. And that’s in everything I’m doing. It’s in almost every moment of my daily life. Who the fuck am I?