Day-030-"Cheer the fuck up"

Within doing the DIP Lite I was looking at how I have lived the word 'cheerful' and what I observed was amongst others a close relationship between the word 'cheerful' and the word 'holiday'. As long as I can remember the biggest resistance in my life growing up was going to school. The thing I loved to do most was not going to school. Live without that 'responsibility'.

So from my perspective 'cheerfulness' seems to be related to getting something, to be rewarded with something. Like a release, a burden lifted from my shoulders. I got the job. I did well on my exam. I can finally walk. It's not as bad as I thought it would be. I won the lottery. To me it's a release of positivity. As a kid nothing would make me more cheerful than the summer holidays. That moment when I walked out of the schoolyard on a hot summers day knowing that my private projects would not be disturbed by the imprisonment of school for a long time (that's how I experienced myself within it). 

Being relieved from the nightmare of school always made me cheerful. Everything would become easier. I would feel light on my feet. From my present perspective I can see that that was halve the story. Me being this energetic and hysterical was simply the expansion of positive energy after the compression of negative energy sitting in the classroom grinding my teeth the whole day for weeks in a row. Why I hated school so much is something I absolutely have to investigate. 

This mechanism where I went from the negative to the positive in relation to school is exactly the same mechanism I accepted within my 'working career'. I realise there is a reason we call it a school. It's merging with the herd becoming part of a troop and getting lectured permanently. Would a child do this voluntarily?

I found myself applying for my firts job at 21 and I got a well payed first job. As I got older I started to experience the jobs as stressful mental experiences at advertising agencies. In fact no different than the basic experience of myself in school. I have seen that it was all about the money and being in advertising/marketing made it schizophrenic to say the least. I have seen what paying bills was like for my parents and that stress about money is the Nr.1 cause of death. I feared these insights. I have suppressed my fears and the experience of myself within it completely.  

So in my working career (in times where the economy still had room to blow) the energetics would sort of be 'under control' meaning ignored. I was not rich nor poor. I got by, slowly allowing myself to drown in my daily routine consumed by work as I tried to stay on the game. This is how grumpy old men are born. I allowed myself to become this compressed spring of negativity. I was an adrenaline junkie so I would of coarse try to release the tension and compensate this negativity with thrills or by suppressing it with cannabis or both in short succession.

So cheerfulness for me is simply the flip side of depression and vice versa. I can bring it all back to my summer holidays. The high of expansion when the holidays started. The way down as compression as the holidays came to an end. Within this it's interesting to observe the post holiday play outs within our relationships. We all sort of travels a long this up and down scale of stress and relaxation and within this energetic game of ping pong we sometimes experience ourselves as this physical relaxation. We become aware of the stress on a physical level and start to notice how fucking tensed up we are. This can be a shocking realization. Like I had when I had my first yoga lesson after my first burn out. I'm not surprised people often get heart attacks within the first few days of their vacations. I think those are simply shocking realizations of meeting the physical during a brake from the mind program. The pressure drops and the whole thing pops.

I did not die during holidays. I jumped of bridges. I ride my bike as fast as I could. I went climbing and did stupid things in general. All to create that buzz of adrenaline to prep myself because somewhere inside the pressure cooker was the reality of having to get back out there that self created framework of the daily routine. Work! Making money! The CONversations I had about my holidays speak for themselves. The post holiday depression is a sign of pure decadence and self diminishment. I'm looking at myself as a happiness machine.

Ones the word 'cheerful' was an expression of sheer self enjoyment. Getting my hands full of mud for the first time or my first whistle. Or the first time I rode a bike. As a toddler I connected no 'values' to these experiences. They where enjoyable physical experiences. Over time merging with these patterns I have allowed myself to become stress that needs a release. In fact it's like walking. It looks like something but one is actually falling from one step to the other. In that sense life is permanently unstable and I accepted that as the daily reality of me. Without the Desteni material I would not have been able to see these point. How would I have been able to see if all I do is make projections? All because I was educated to value positivity more than negativity.

I have payed enough attention in school to know that 1+1=2 and I see and realize that the second one has to come from somewhere. So if I focus on using my resources to generate more positive energy I'm actually creating negative energy by depleting my resources. SO the more I focus on this so called happiness or cheerful state of mind the bigger my depression or loopback is going to be. It's strange how I never saw behind the veil of such a simple equation. From this perspective it makes sense that if one is not participating in cheerfulness this will often trigger a negative response. "What's wrong?", "Why don't you join the party?", "Are you depressed?". I see it as simple science. If I'm more charged and expanded than my surroundings my surroundings will have to adapt in order to balance out my presence. I read somewhere that a lot of stand up comedians are primarily depressed and if this is so it makes total sense to me. 

So friday comes and I see myself having that stiff drink. Ad a little alcohol to the mix and it becomes painfully clear how fucked we are within this permanent polarity play. It becomes clear that I'm nothing more than an induction engine producing positive energy thus mining the negative creating holes of negative space that will have to collapse sooner or later. If that happens then they are the earthquakes that rippled through my life. Engines create friction so eventually they wear out. That's exactly what I am doing. I run until I run no more.

To me this makes clear that striving for this cheerfulness or positive energy is exactly the same as drilling for oil. It has to come from somewhere and it will leave an empty space at the same time it will cost some to get it. So striving for positivity will create more negativity because it needs 'investment'. To lend money will cost money it's that simple. So when I meet someone who is depressed I can only conclude that I'm looking at the manifested consequence of my own cheerful incentives and when I allow myself to feel depressed I'm simply experiencing a cold turkey moment of being without my positivity dope. Missing the most elemental point that is me here breathing.

Within this I see realize and understand that it's of utmost importance to become stable and to remain stable. To observe myself and not allow myself to fool myself in thinking that doing my job or taking a brake is to be judged like I judge everything all the time as a positive or negative. That stability means to be here within every breath able to observe myself within these energy play outs between the positive and negative within my reality in the first place. How can I act if I do not see? 

Within this I see and realize that every time I make an investment the money has to come from somewhere. Every cheerful moment will create it's opposite as debt and as long as debt is there I will have to pay my interest. That's how this system works. So positivity like lending money is something I consume and it will consume me doing so. It's the law.

Within this perspective I experience myself a bit lost because I'm part of that system that is going haywire as we speak because more people want to feel positive so the production of negativity is going through the roof. This happens with devastating consequences that are already starting to manifest explicitly. Reality as such is collapsing and the holes are too big to be filled. We all see this and are so scared of these black holes of negativity that we look the other way. Like all others I'm faced with these points and the way I have participated within this. I'm part of the problem and I can see that I'm responsible for my part of the fuckup. Taking responsibility that's another story though.

So here I am this spiritual positivity junkie that's looking for the positive experience together with other junkies and the drugs are running out. What happens when drugs run out and everyone present is a junkie?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop a resistance towards school.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop a resistance towards education.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop a resistance towards institutes of education and knowledge

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop a resistance towards teachers and figures of authority in general

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop a resistance towards ambition and ambitious people judging them as collaborators with the powers that enslave not seeing realizing that within doing so I'm enslaving myself by giving all my power and self direction away to the mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop a resistance towards repetition and discipline not seeing realizing that I am actually a robot that is repeating himself disciplined in every possible way lol

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect cheerfulness with succeeding thus with money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize that to connect cheerfulness to success to money is to connect depression with debt

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to program myself and become automated within my reactions as happiness where I automatically experience happiness when I receive reward in whatever form be it a compliment or an physical achievement and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing that this hysterical expression of happiness is a positive feeling I am able to transcend to satisfaction as the expression of getting the job done and give to myself as I would like to receive without connecting getting a job done to reward or value within the construct of happiness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect happiness to reward or forms of payment or compensation for time and or money invested seeing realizing that making happiness part of the money system is creating debt thus sadness as well

I commit myself to when and as I see myself go to the feeling state of happiness breath and bring myself here to investigate the energetic nature of this happiness within and as the addiction to positivity and within that remind myself that there is nothing 'wrong' with self enjoyment as long as this is not at the cost of others io words giving it to myself as I would like to receive.

Day-018-Let's skip school and smoke pot!

Woke up this morning and before I had my eyes open there was this unrest within. My body felt heavy and not relaxed. My back was hurting and I had to start working on a project. It felt like being back in my schooldays with a party hangover.

I'm experiencing some of the aftereffects of sharing time with a friend intensively for over a week. I have to kind of set myself up again for work. Yesterday I got a surprise visit from another friend. I was a bit shocked by his appearance. He looked hammered. I constantly had this backchat that this could have been me. I was seeing a lot of anger within him and asking about it confirmed the point.

I don't see or meet many people socially but I have some friends and we kind of keep an eye out for each other. As we catch up on things in our lives the principle of oneness and equality and the blogs where discussed and I notice time after time again that the biggest point with people seems to be integrating the principle message practically within this reality as daily life. I can write my blogs and have an opinion but like anyone else in this fucked up existence have to get the food on the table meaning remain part of the crumbling economic reality. Survival comes first and that's exactly the universal point that keeps us enslaved.

So I see a friend that looks hammered and I catch myself worrying. I know it's stupidity to worry about people. It doesn't serve them or existence whatsoever. However one point I saw very clearly because I saw it within myself and that is the point of addiction and especially the addiction to conflict. Seeing everything that's wrong with yourself and the world and accepting and allowing yourself to believe there is nothing you can do to change this creates a huge amount of friction within, allowing the mind to build these huge constructions of self sabotage. And within that I allow myself to become very angry, short fused, irritated, depressed, sad, hopeless. The list is endless and the effects are devastating on the body. I became a zombie that was eating itself literally. I'm 1.90m and at one point my weight was around 76 kilo's and dropping.

One of the things I have always done in order to 'cope' with myself was smoking pot and by doing that I suppressed myself completely. I couldn't face the world this reality as what I had become within it. I accepted and allowed myself to believe there was no place for me in the system at the same time I saw it was impossible to escape it. I realized the system doesn't give a fuck. That's why pot smoking and alcohol are so effective in suppressing or releasing specific energies. It serves the hunters who are moving with the system hunting for profit. Less competition more kill. Stopping my weed consumption  was an eye opener. In fact it showed me that my total behavior is addiction based.

It's not complicated, this is the world we create to 'live' in. I stopped hunting. I became enslaved in my own head by moral constructs and projections about the world and the way things work instead of really investigating the nitty gritty of it within and as myself.

It's very hard to get to a self honest point if life is treating one well. I don't give a shit about the world when I'm stoned or high. I don't care about my neighbor or humanity when I'm ego tripping on my success in life. See there is no difference. Both equate the same outcome=ignorance.

My ego trip got me here in the first place and now you want me to believe it's all a lie? Well not to me it is. My success is fucking real you better believe it. I lost myself because I thought I knew how the world works instead of investigating if that was really the case. Doing so made me realize that reality is horrific and that explains why only a few dare to confront themselves with the rawness of this creation.

I realize that being in relationships to survive and being exposed to and forced within the system feeds the parasite that's the mind that eats the body alive and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear waking up to my reality of having to go to work solely because of the money I need to survive in the system

I realize that the principle message of equality is very hard to grasp when one is submerged in daily life within the system where every symbol and all we do relates back to the time is money equation and that this becomes who we are and express within our lives and accept as reality literally eating ourselves alive and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the co creator and participant within and as the system that is ruled by the 'time is money' equation and within that I forgive myself for not realizing that by participating instead of standing up for life for real I was eating myself alive

I realize that seeing reality as the overwhelming amount of information it is as distraction from the experience of self within creates huge conflict and within that only few can stand the pressure and friction generated culminating in ever more outbursts of extreme behavior in the world where people start eating each others faces in public showing who we are within and as mind possessed zombies and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a cannibal myself because I did not realize that by feeding of others I am eventually feeding of myself and within that I commit myself to stand up and give to others what I can as I would like to receive

I realize that fear is the ultimate system of enslavement and that reacting to and following my fears will eventually lead me to apathy and suppression where self movement comes to a stand still and the only option left is eating myself allowing others within the system to profit by taking my place. Within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not face my fears and instead give in to the self abuse of addiction to energy as conflict and substance instead of standing up to deprogram myself in order to become equal with life to create a world that is best for all

I realize that by thinking about the world does not solve any problem. Problems are solved through physical action which implies I have to become physical action and only through physical experience as walking the corrections necessary to bring self change will I be able to change my reality. Within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sit back and reflect allowing myself to start the inner dialoque distracting me from the work that simply has to be done. I commit myself to not postpone my physical actions, to stop and breath and bring myself here in order to walk a point I see in real time in order to change my reality.

I realize that getting to a point where I can face myself in self honesty is not I single perspective, it's a process walked step by step, point for point and only by having the whole point and nothing but the whole point by the balls will I be able to make the correct decisions in order to change myself to what is best for all and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the tendency to overcomplicate things thus I commit myself to keep EVERYTHING simple and walk from there learning to apply common sense to daily life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the effects of reality as a projection in the face of another being.

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Day 002-Irritated

The point that really stood out today was irritation. I accepted and allowed myself to become irritated. Irritation creates a lot of friction so I really sabotaged myself today. I'm not working at home at the moment. I'm on location and so is my equipment. Today felt like everything was amplified. Noise was louder, light was brighter and time seemed to move faster. I'm now well into the fourth week of being fully emerged in quite stressful work with permanent deadlines and impulses around me.

It's interesting to observe the impact this bowl of energy around me is having on me. It's permeating my skin. Sometimes I can even feel temperature changes in my skin. I cannot run from it or shield myself against it. The combination of work and keeping stable as breath is something I have yet to master. Its like swimming where I have moments on the surface and then it's back down and being submerged in work to get shit done. In the process this pattern is becoming visible. It's an old pattern. It's the nine to nine pattern I had for a long time where I in the morning kind of merge with my work and the computer programs and come out of this trip at around nine o clock at night within this energetic buzz.

I'm working and my head will start spinning, my body is tensed up, my breathing is higher and last but not least there is this luring feeling of irritation. Its like being hooked with a thousand hooks and hanged from the ceiling. Locked into my place behind the computer calibrated to spin with the system and produce output. Feeling that whole energetic buzz creeping in and slowly eating me up. Today around 16.00 hours I couldn't keep my eyes open. I wanted to get out, go home get air but I couldn't because I have an agreement with myself to not give into resistance. And this was resistance for sure. It came to a point where I felt so tired I wanted to lay myself down on the floor. I knew it had to be resistance. My mind was looking for back doors to get me out and presenting me with this tiredness was one of them. It worked great because I really felt like I was done. At that moment my brother (who's also there) said "stop, let's play"

If you wonder why a lot of advertising agencies have soccer tables. It's because of this point. It's a means to an end. You go to the table and you simply create a shortcut to silence the mind through playing a fierce physical game of table soccer. So that's what I did and it helped me create that little space from where I was able to become stable and get my shit done. It's always the obvious shit that I miss indeed. So here is a great tip. In case of mental sabotage presenting itself as resistance were one becomes tired. Stop and do something physical. Jump, trow a ball, walk or ride a bike. It works!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself by giving into resistance presented by my mind as tiredness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drink more coffee than I had agreed upon with myself making it harder to remain stable within breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give my body the sleep it needed last night resulting in a less stable thus not preferable situation where I support myself by doing my work efficiently thus saving time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become irritated and expressing that irritation orally thereby making others part of my problem which is unacceptable as I should be an example as movement. Whereby I'm moving myself trough those particular points of resistance without any drama or emotion thus not giving the ego of the mind what it wants which is self limitation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry with myself as judging myself as incompetent or not capable of changing my behavior that presented itself as tiredness at the same time realising this tiredness was resistance

The momentum of addictions

The end of the year is approaching and this year has been one hell of a ride. One of the most ‘important’ points for me this year was stopping my Weed addiction completely. I stopped using weed on the 13th of January. There was a previous attempt and during a sailing weekend a bit of hash was the trigger for starting again. So I fell and had to do a time loop. Stopping for the second time made me realize that stopping an addiction becomes much harder if one has to do it more than ones. In other words the second time I stopped was much more difficult. This also made me realize that it’s very important to be self honest about the moment you want to stop and the physical support you need in order to be successful in stopping an addiction. Be it Homeopathy, kinesiology, sports, a dog, a buddy. Whatever works for you. You have to look at these points in self honesty. You need to create support. A platform of stability to make stopping as comfortable as possible. Be gentle with yourself.

Am I addicted?
Looking at the reasons for my weed consumption and especially the point all drug users have in common is why? Why this addiction? Why this specific substance? I wrote one post about weed before and I noticed that it was very emotional and energetic. Well that’s exactly the point. We use substance because we are unable to cope with emotions or feelings from within as who we are and defined ourselves as personality. It doesn’t matter what drugs you are on. It’s always about suppression. And we all know that if something in this physical world is suppressed there will be a point where that build up of ‘tension’ has to be released. Be it an earthquake, dam bursting, volcanic eruption, murder, rape, lightning strike, explosion. They all have one thing in common and that point is (kinetics) energy. A release of ‘some sort’.

It’s the first thing you will notice the moment you stop a habit/addiction. There is momentum. Something want’s to move you forward as you just stopped. So you notice this push coming from the back that pushes you towards that point of addiction. That automated pattern you accepted as that habit. Something that belongs to you. And you literally feel you have to resist something. You have to push otherwise you are moved from where you are standing. Sounds familiar? Something is pushing you and that is the momentum of addiction. It’s not just drugs. It’s everything in this world. O that’s is nice, that’s cool, my kind of girl, my kind of car, my kind of food, my kind of art, music, candy, friends, sex, the way I pork my nose, education etc. etc. etc. All those reactions are habitual and can be considered addiction. Stuff/substance you are used to. That you use, that abuses you.

I preferred weed
Addiction for me equals identification as in preferences. Yes we can blame our parents because they where the ones starting to speak to us like that when we where baby’s. Isn’t that a nice brown teddybear? Euh, don’t know mom if you say so. So let's not blame. Anyway, eventually we get into groups that we prefer and start to do preferable things. We find a preferable wife, get preferable children and try to the give them preferable education that makes them preferred employees that become preferred bankers in the system with a preferable cocaine addiction. Why? Because in the end the whole world is addicted to money. Historians call that history. Darwinists call it evolution. Economists call it Economics and religious people call it God’s creation. Interesting. God’s creation is actually us, a bunch of junkies hooked on energy.

The way we live our lives is based on preferences. This law of attraction which in the end is addiction. This momentum. This system of energy that needs us to produce energy to exist. How do we do that? Through addiction. It’s sheer genius. Because we all have different preferences (addictions) there is alway energy generated. Scientists call it polarity. Now what would happen if we all stop? Just stop.

Impossible isn’t it? The momentum is simply to big. The whole system would implode immediately. That’s why the concept of equality is so hard to grasp for a lot of people because one of the biggest addictions is that to our own ego’s. I’m addicted to me and all my self definitions which ind the end are all preferences. I believe I’m full circle now. Am I drifting of here? Ok back to my 'former' addiction.

So let’s bring it back to myself. My addict-i-on. I on weed. Me smoking that shit for more than 20 years on a regular bases. What happened to me? Why was weed the substance I preferred?

Doctor, do you have something to ease the pain?
I already spoke about suppression. All drugs suppress. The drug I prefer is the one that does that job for me in a way I ‘like’ it most or feel most ‘comfortable’ with. Because I’m very aware of the experience I have with it. It does the suppressing in my most preferable way=to supress that what I actually experience within myself and (for a moment) want to suppress or ‘forget’. This also implies that there is NO DRUG that can make me ‘another person’ or forget always. That’s why I have to do it time after time again. To for a moment not feel/experience what’s actually going on within me. Within my state of mind (my mind).

 So, it’s not the weed nor is it the addiction towards it. It’s me fearing to be me here. To face myself here in every moment. Because I’m afraid of myself within and I want and need my weed to help me just for this moment to forget my own experience within. How I exist. Within existence. So I fear existing within existence. That’s it. Simple brutal common sense that applies to all addictions.

SO the more and longer I use the more I compound that experience of myself. The more I do this the more shit compounds and the more weed I’m going to consume. You see there’s only one outcome to this equation? Me wanting to smoke is me not wanting to face me. This is the critical point because here is where I had to become self honest in the moments that followed. I had to face myself. I had to stop running away from myself because it’s impossible? You will face yourself every day to come because it’s alway going to be you. It’s not someone else taking the substance is it? Substance or substitute. What is it that you need a substitute for? What is ‘missing’ in your ‘life’? It’s you standing up in that specific point. That’s what is missing. What am I holding onto within myself? Forgive yourself for that point and stand up within that point. It’s the only way! Yes I hear the question. How the fuck am I going to do this?

I dared to look
I am going to share some points I’m walking and still facing every day. I am facing the self-loser. I'm facing my self-deception. The harm I did to others. Me collapsing in the system completely. Me refusing to participate and share myself. Doing the things required according to my education as being a ‘good man’. What a fuckup. That whole morality implant I have. Accepting the system and the world the way it is and accepting the position I am in. Talking myself into delusion. Believing 'things’ instead of really investigating life as a physical experience. Thinking something outside myself is going to rescue me. Jezus, God, angels, yoga, enlightenment. Creating even more delusion, by projecting my believes onto others as ‘the truth’ as if it was real! (even my own children). Only moving myself if there is something in it for me. Making myself bigger better at the cost of others. Separating myself from ‘life’. I could go on for hours. And it's this kind of shit whe don't want to face within ourselves. This shit scares the crap out of us and makes us want to crawl away within addiction. Because we fear ourselves. I fear me.

Where does this stop? Where do I reach that point that is a real stop? It’s actually not a point. I simply realized that there where things not ok in my reality. But I still kept on reasoning with myself and that’s a killer because I was doing this with my mind. Yes, the same point where the addiction lived. This is where it get’s tough because I went nuts within justification and morality. It’s me I don't want to change lose my Identity because there is not enough self trust or value to just be who I am. The reason for taking my drugs in the first place. So stop that fear.

Create something new
So I had to get to that rock bottom point of absolute fear, where there was finally some humbleness within me. Where I started to realize that there was a problem and that I had to correct myself. I was very lucky to have someone in my life that was pointing these things out to me. As I am pointing them out for you now. I had support. But it was me who had to walk the correction. You can only do this in Self-Honesty. Because it requires walking backwards in your life to reassess the way you exist and correct yourself.

That’s the point where I am. I’m correcting myself. I corrected the weed point. ‘But’ it is a small point within lot's of points. It’s the tip of the iceberg that is me. You need to build self trust and that is a different story and not a walk in the park. However it can be done. Check out the tools that are available on the Desteni website and if you have any question or need support? Make yourself heard.

Former weed addict

The ‘Being’ and the baby...

Trigger

Yesterday it became official that my ex girlfriend and my daughter are going to move to a different city in Germany. The past six and a half years my daughter grew up to be a well-spoken little girl that I saw nearly every week. The physical distance between us was a little half hour by car. This will now increase too about 2 hours (if there are no traffic jams in the ‘ruhr area’ in germany). It doesn’t take a scientist to see the implications this will have on my relationship with my daughter. Everything is going to change from seeing each other on a regular basis to the holidays and long weekends. That’s off coarse on paper because depending on how my work (financial) situation will develop there is no telling if I can make myself available during all the school holidays they have in Germany. So to keep it short, a big point fell through in my life. I can finally start dealing with that point as what I manifested in this reality as fatherhood. The developing situation confronts me with the question of fatherhood in the broader perspective of not being physically on call. I’m removed to the background of the parental/family structure and through that experience points are opening up. These points where hidden so I will try to expand on that.

Consequences

My ex and I never planned for children so that rabbit hole became rather deep for us to navigate. The pregnancy came about due to the simple fact that neither one of us took the responsibilty for ‘birth control’. So we both accepted and allowed ourself to create the reality we face at the moment. It’s the ‘painful’ truth about what I allowed to manifested in this reality. I’m now becoming a symbol I used to despite. My backchat comes up with things like: A father in the distance. A father in the background, never there when I needed you, he lives in Holland and I seldom see him. It’s one of my worst nightmares and it’s manifesting in reality as we speak. Never ever would I see myself here the way it turned out. I look at my thoughts and emotions and the whole spectrum is opening up. Guild, defeat, loss, responsibilty, self judgement. The list is endless. But the situation is irreversible and was always in the back of my mind. A side effect thereof was that I somehow never dared to completely attach myself emotionally to my daughter out of fear of becoming completely lamed the moment this situation would present itself.

I will have to expand on this in a dedicated post because our actions dictate this reality. I'm facing my actions. The consequences are here and they are as real as it gets.

No ego no friction

Looking at the way my daughter and I interact I wonder what the outcome would be if she would experience me having an ‘emotional’ breakdown right now. If I wouldn’t be in ‘process’, facing myself from a different perspective my reaction to this situation would definitively be more emotional. Would that serve my daughter? I don’t think so. So from a starting point of ‘what’s best for all’ the decision to move is fully acceptable. My ex needs a steady job with a ‘future’. Her family will be close by so she will have a platform of support. These factors are not here at the moment so from that perspective I think things are simply moving where they have to move within the system. Financial stability and building a career. Stability it’s as simple as that. Who am I to disrupt this flow of events. It would be an utterly egocentric manifestation to go into this ‘separated father’ construct and create an emotional mess for myself. This is a typical make or brake situation where one either looses it or walks the path of change. It’s very well possible that this experience will open up more points. I will face them and share them in this blog. For now I have to breath, forgive myself and walk a lot of corrections. Which brings me to the next point.

Applying myself

This means taking everybody in this process in to consideration and walk in the best interest of all. Sounds simple but I find it rather difficult. I don’t find it simple although the equation might be. Taking everything in consideration means being aware of what to take in to consideration. ‘All’ is quite extensive to take into consideration. A vast perspective. A thick jungle of thoughts I get lost inn. This is where I ran into a brick wall yesterday and it triggered a lot of back chat. There was this voice that said “you’re fired”... At that moment looking at that point all emotional hell broke loose. I experienced all those moments in my life where I was in front of another person telling me I could start cleaning up my desk. Saying good by to friends and colleagues. Going trough the phase of loss, humiliation, self-defeat, shame, anger, spitefulness, ignorance, depression, money etc. For anyone who’s ever worked in one place for a prolonged period of time and was sagged, you now the drill.

Was es ist...

In the end it’s all ego of the mind. Self definitions. What I accepted and allowed in my life is what is manifested as me. This is just another outflow of that equation. Why did this point come up. What is there to take from what I see here? What’s the pattern? It’s me accepting and allowing myself to create consequence, have opinions and rebel against the system. But the moment that system gives me resistance I don’t push myself trough. It’s me going into denial and self pity instead of standing up, face the consequences and walk a correction. I start to see why I have great difficulties when it comes to getting in gear. Because I don’t. It’s the superego telling me I’m not to blame. It’s a construct of superiority towards people and situations. I’m special. Somehow the rules of the group don’t apply to me. Strangely enough I experience these moments as fear and inferiority. ‘What’s the use’. ‘It won’t work anyway’. I allow myself to become sad and depressed because ‘I just got fired’. It’s the ego given justification to open up my emotional box of pandora and the whole program can start from scratch.

See what condition my condition is in

If I wouldn’t have been in the Desteni ‘I’ Process being where I am and looking at it from the perspective of oneness and equality, well what can I say. It would have been another energetic experience fuelling the intense bitterness that has been accumulating inside me over time. The projection of that bitterness towards this reality and especially myself has been the cause of countless fuckups that prevented me from simply being ‘successful’. It’s all the things I didn’t want to face in my life? The words I didn’t want to hear or speak. The projects that where cancelled. The jobs I lost. The challenges I didn’t take. The ‘relationships’ that fell. All because I became instable because of this bitterness. So it’s up to me to look at what I try to avoid in this world? What is it that I don’t want to acknowledge within me, my self definitions? How come I never appreciated myself as the things I expressed or achieved as a child the way my daughter is doing right now? So in walking this process all that walk have to be taken in to consideration. It means pushing myself in every second every breath. Can I do it? Hell, I don’t know but I’m trying like never before.

So far so...

Writing about experiences
It has been about a year since I found myself reading the first lines on the Desteni website. After about six months I started writing about myself in what was at that moment a ‘closed’ blog. It was a test to see what would happen if I started writing about my daily life from the perspective of an observer. Exposing my secret mind. Listening to those silent voices that never seem to shut up and are always there to influence everything I do. An observer that would remain neutral and without judgement.

The 'power' of thought
I was in for a lot of surprises. First of all was the shock of thoughts. Typing words is one thing but writing about my own experience and actually not knowing what they represent created sort of a vortex that made writing increasingly difficult. The thing is that I had to describe how I felt as myself going trough the process of stopping my mind. The same mind that produces the words that I’m typing. The more I wrote the more questions about myself arose. I was confronted with shocks, fears and huge depressions. I mean let’s be self honest here. Finally seeing the fact that this world is not created equal because I’m the one creating it is something different. Speak to your family or your friends and they all agree. Yes, it’s a fuck up. The world is not fair. But we all forget to remember who we are in this equation and ‘fair’ simply doesn’t exist. It’s a concept a word. It’s not lived so it’s never real. If we remain of thoughts if that’s who we are than we are thinking it up. It’s a dream, it’s in our heads. Reality should be ‘out there’ so I have to be ‘out there’.

Taking it in
We are the ‘it’, god, ‘we’ are the creators of this world. This means including me! Now who want’s to admit anything of this size to him or herself let alone take responsibility for it? No one does including me. The world seems too big to fit in my head and every time I tried to push myself through the huge resistance I just went into denial. This morality thing totally fucked me up. OK, admitting it is one thing but convincing my own ego to take a step back and shut the fuck up is something else. Nearly everything that happens to me in daily life is accompanied by justification, judgement, guild and especially morality.

Becoming aware
The moment I realized that it was me and only me who is responsible for what happens in my life and therefore in the world was the worst experience in my life. I created an ego that defined me in this world. Everything I did and all the consequences that followed. It was all me. Every time I pondered about my mind I had to keep re-minding myself that the thing that was pondering was the same mind I had to stop. I had sleepless night’s where I would be in bed just staring at the sealing watching this ongoing stream of thoughts, images and emotions that came with them. The only word I had for it was ‘lunacy’.

The Desteni ‘I’ Process
Over the last year I became aware of a lot of things but the most important one was that ‘this process’ cannot be walked alone. It only works when it is shared. You need a platform and people that operate from the same starting point. This starting point is principle based. One and equal. No room for argument or abuse that is ego based. Now this principle was quite clear to me. It was also a wake up call for my ego that had to spring into action like never before trying to convince me I was about to commit social suicide. This was when I decided too share my writings by going public with this blog. Next thing was my Facebook page. The moment I started posting Desteni stuff I noticed that responses dropped significantly. Somehow my facebookfriends didn’t seem interested or didn’t want to be associated with the messages that where posted. In order to get myself going I decided to start the Desteni Inroduction Course now called the Desteni ‘I’ Process. I was very reluctant because of my difficulties with the English and Desteni language. I had and still have difficulties getting trough the words. I had a lot of trouble getting trough the assignments up till now. Partly because I didn’t asked for support. I felt almost guilty to do so. When I finally did it was OK though.


Changes
I was shocked several times by the forces that where present inside my body. Forces I never imagined. After a year in this process things are slowly but surely starting to change. There was and still is a lot of resistance. The mind doesn’t want to give up. It’s programmed not to do so. The moment I started to stop and look at my thoughts my mind went bananas. Stopping and breathing had an immediate and very unpleasant effect on my body. It often feels like my body is being torn into pieces. I addressed this with homeopathy and Kinesiology and I’m starting to feel the effects. I’m more stable and there is less anxiety. This also has to do with the fact that I have a little time on my hands at the moment. But that will change soon because of the fact that one cannot live without money. Money means time and that is something I would like too have more of. It takes a lot of time. Yes, the only thing I can do is to stop and just breath. I’m absolutely in awe about my experiences with breathing. I’m starting to see the simplicity of the process. Just grind it. Stick to the principle. Stop-hold tight, hold still-breath as long as it takes. It fucking works. OK it’s not without a ‘bit’ of physical discomfort but what’s there to loose? Interesting question. If you are reading this and If you have ever asked yourself what the purpose of you being here is... Well the only humble word of advice I would give you is to start writing like I did. Because you are not what you ‘think’ you are.

Body language...

17 03 2011

What is happening...
What a week it has been so far, and am I judging this week as different than last week? As in more impressive or having more in store than usual? Yes I do. Let me say this. The weekend was physical and confronting. This has to do with sharing me with another person. That makes a difference. The most important realisation I’m having at the moment is the one of ‘physicality’. It’s somewhat difficult for me to express or explain exactly what I mean. I’m starting to rediscover my physical body again. But it’s not in the way I used to explore or be aware of it.

Observing my daughter in the water
The weekend started physical because I go and swim with my daughter whenever we get the change. Last week she took her toy diving goggle and a snorkel with her for the first time. In the water I took the time teaching her how she had to breath, keep the class from fogging up, her posture in the water etc. I noticed a very interesting thing. Her whole physical expression as a body submerged in water changed the moment she stuck her head in the water and started looking around through her goggle. Normally her expression while swimming is rather hectic. It’s the point I remark on the most when she swims. Slow down, relax, you don’t need all that movement to keep floating. Now when she looked down through those goggles and into the swimming pool, her body completely gave itself over to the water. The two kind of merged and she was floating comfortably on the surface looking into the swimming pool while breathing through her snorkel. She got it within the minute. I was a bit amazed.

The conversation of water with water
So I decided there and then I would buy her a decent Diving goggle and snorkel. So this week we where in the water again and she was hooked from the first minute. We where in the water for nearly two hours straight. My daughter is six years old and I’m 42. I’m always amazed of her physical stamina. I mean I’m probably still thinking that my physical condition is OK but it’s really not to be honest. I would probably kill myself if I tried to keep up with my six year old daughter on a physical level (lol). Anyway the element of water is kind of a rediscovery because the swimming agreement with my daughter forces me to swim on a regular base. I often noticed that I would be totally tired after being in the pool with her. A real physical tiredness. Every muscle in my body would feel drained of it’s power. In the ‘back of my head’ I know it’s not just the physical strain. My body releases stress when I’m in the water and It’s moving muscle groups that are parked in neutral during the rest of the week. Tension that is locked up inside those muscles releases and the body has to disperse the ‘acid-toxins’ that go with that. This is actually hard work so you get tired. Common sense I suppose.


It’s a physical thing
Walking back to the car after being in the pool for two hours immediately confronted me with this fact and it brings the point of ‘self-intimacy’ back. My daughter still has a strong connection with her physical body. And she is dispersing all these things naturally. If I don’t give these points attention my body will start to manifest problems. It is doing that all ready lol. So was I tired? Yes I was. But I’m always ‘that tired’, I’m just not aware of it. It gets stored inside my muscle tissue like carbage inside a landfill an there it rots away until the whole landfill get’s ‘moved’. That’s when ‘the gas’ is released and you smell ‘the smell’. Fascinating. 

Stop and look
The rest of the weekend was physical and fascinating too because I had a buddy visiting me. This meant little sleep, lot’s of talking and again physical work-out because I give her massages. Monday was fascinating because I was completely done. I was really and I mean really tired. No emotions just tired. I went with it. Slowed myself down and slept it out for two days. Luckily appointments got ‘magically’ cancelled and I was able to just be there in this rather strange state of mind. I felt like being in more than one place at the same time. No focus, no drive. Was it laziness? Stop judging Mike. 


'My' body the one and only
I’m fucking freaking tired and my body is telling me what happened over the last 10 years. It’s shocking what I have accepted and allowed to be stored inside my body. It’s a huge point and it makes all the difference in the world. Do I address or do I ignore? Ignoring the fact that all the shit get’s stored means destroying the only thing that is real in my reality. It’s my body and I’m not even aware of it. How fucked up is that.

‘Being’ inside my body
Yesterday I had my 3rd appointment with my Kinesiologist. I got my ‘Kraneo’ head massage. I could wright a book just about that hour being massaged and ‘touched’. I want to keep it short though so I’ll  stick to the points. I’m becoming aware of the fact that I’m floating on an ocean of pain. Every cell in my body is screaming but my ears are stuffed. I relax and I relax even more. The more I relax the more I’m aware of this overwhelming presence of ‘pain’ that is stored in my body. I could rant about systems and shit but I’m no authority so in my own words. It’s pain. Painful, personal. Information stored in every cell as me as what I have defined myself of over the coarse of my life. And it is huge!

A universe of pain
During the massage I really went into it and the horror cannot be described. It’s so vast I can’t bring it into words. But I was ‘OK’. Observing the whole thing and letting my body do the ‘talking’. The massage was aimed at equalizing the right and left hemispheres of the brain. I noticed myself inside and as the absolute outline of my physical body (being a balloon). Inside was nothing and outside was nothing. It was just me. Everything else was pain! The balloon was kept in place by pain it was defined by pain. I was watching one of the most exiting movies ever and it was al me...

The ghost image
L left me on the table wen she was finished. I waited till my eyes opened up and got up and off the table. L looked me in the eyes and was apparently satisfied with the results. “I don’t want to see you again, call whenever you think it’s necessary”. Laughter and that was it. I was very thank full for this experience. Getting support like this cannot be described in words. It has to be experienced. Is it fun? No. Is it cool? Yes. Getting to know the horror that is stored inside my body... Well it’s something else. Walking back to the car I wasn’t even completely in my body. It was like being in a time-lapse behind it. Like a silk scarf in the wind that follows the movement of that what pulls it.

Off the brakes
I haven’t really got anything done this week (matrix wise) and it’s Thursday as we speak. There is so much going on inside me but I can’t pinpoint what it is or what 'they' are. To be honest, I don’t want to. I’m here. I’m breathing. I’m slowing down. I’m slowing down for real. Not because my mind or the 'to-do' list tells me too but because It’s how it is. It's me slowing down and I'm freaking thankfull for that. This process is actually pain-full (full of pain, intresting). And I have an overwhelming urge to stop everything I’m doing. Just to stop myself completely. At least I allowed myself to take it easy and sleep it off. Did a lot of sleeping. It’s fascinating and it’s me that's doing it.

One breath at the time.

It's not my fault...

07 03 2011

Resistance

Over the last week I noticed a build up of resistance. The changes I’m going trough and the insights I’m getting are not ‘happy and joyful’ ones. So like a little spoiled child I go into resistance. I crawl under a blanket avoiding the ‘bad and ugly monsters’. The difference being that there is no parent that corrects or confronts me and that the monsters are created by myself. There is only me ‘as the parent’. So I create a lot of friction because I’m in a permanent state of polarity. Judging away at myself and at the same time realising that this is not the way to go. I lock up instead of applying myself immediately in those moments. To stop and breath. One particular point is important though. Taking a brake is not a ‘bad’ thing It’s taking an effective brake that’s the point here (I think).

A freaked out squirrel

There is this design job I’m working on. I started a weekend ago and I presented the first Ideas to the client on Tuesday last week. I was convinced it was good and I would get the ‘go ahead’ for working out the ideas. This was not the case. And although I realized nothing bad happened, my fears and ego got in the way big time. Also finishing the last DIP assignment was laying on the table downstairs. I locked into this pattern of being nerved and anxious. I have to perform, be disciplined, keep working. Go, go, go. It’s not a pattern actually. I think it’s part of the personality I created over the years. Hyped up. Never here. The expression would be a stressed out nut gathering squirrel on a branch looking for another tree that’s just too far away. He jumps, hits a few branches and lands on the Forrest floor (loosing his nuts in the process). He’s now on the same Forrest floor he should have used in the first place to get to the other tree. Now he climbs into the same tree again and repeats himself. I don’t want to judge myself to hard here but this is one stupid squirrel.

Hello personality

Wanting to be good and professional. Trying way too hard to be good and when the first obstacle presents itself the drama-queen stands up. A nervous, hyped up and insecure little kid that doesn’t now what to do or go about the simple things in front of him. I hysterical give into all the points my mind presents. And all that is presented are points of resistance and distraction that don’t support me whatsoever. Running away as far as I can from the confrontation.

Sidetracks

It’s the real shit here. What does it really mean to stop? To stop and take responsibilty for me and do what’s best for me, what’s best for all. Flight patterns that’s what they are. Instead of taking a real brake and just stop, go outside and walk for an hour (to the next tree). I find myself on the internet looking at horrific war imagery from Iraq and Afghanistan. Downloading a movie so I have something to watch in bed under the cover of ‘taking a brake’. Next thing I notice, it’s way too late and I’ve allowed myself to be sidetracked for a ridiculous amount of time. At the same time I’m permanently aware of myself doing this. There was this little voice saying ‘Mike come on, stop’. Mike you know what you are doing, stop’. I didn’t. Like a junkie I just kept on avoiding the things I had to address. The longer this lasted the bigger became the friction. The bigger the friction the more energy was generated. I locked inn, got possessed and eventually I was not productive at all.

Looping

What does this tell me. First of all. I must be more aware of the highs and lows. The way I charge myself with energy. It’s a fucker and it fucks me every time. It’s part of the personality I created and it has to come down. This has to be dissolved. So I must again remind myself and bring into action the ‘stopping’. What does stopping and slowing down practically mean to me? This I have to bring into the physical. Practically apply myself here. If not, I will be writing the same shit down again next week.

Keep it simple stupid

It’s too simple to believe actually. Maybe that’s why I cant do it. It’s a believe system I simply have to drop. Nothing is simple, can’t be. So now stress out Mike because it’s ‘hopeless’, I’m hopeless, I’m to stupid to understand. Run Forrest, run. So I run. I run onto the internet, I run into pictures, thoughts and emotions that have nothing to do with me or the thing standing in front of me. It’s a lie I believe in. Believes based on inferiority and fear of losing. It’s my superego versus that scary kid that isn’t allowed to speak about his fears and getting the support he needs. I’m starting to look at what I accepted and have allowed myself to become as the mind. A few months ago I would have been on the couch smoking my weed and go adios bad world. So these things slapping me in the face shouldn’t be a surprise actually.

Stand and deliver

I charged myself way to much last week and forgot to just stop, take a step back and look at myself from a different perspective. Instead I got consumed by taking on one thing after the other thinking that’s the productive way to go. A false sense of pushing. Look I’m pushing. I’m ok. I’m not lazy. In the mean time I was not productive at all And when the weekend came I was completely nervous and hyped up. Let’s see how this week goes.

It's in my DNA

25 02 2011

New client evokes 'energy'
So, let’s do this. Ok. Had a productive and enjoyable day (business wise). Which brings me to my daily words-thoughts and feelings. This morning I was invited to a strategic brainstorm regarding the biggest city in the east of holland called Enschede. Every big city makes claims and we had to come up with one for Enschede. For example Vegas used to claim “what happens in Vegas stays in vegas”. Easy to remember with a drip of humor so it sticks in ones mind. In advertising this trick is called “brain positioning” and there are a lot of strategies/ways to do this (great job in psychological warfare I have). But I have a few principles otherwise the schizophrenia in relation to my process would be unbearable. In this particular case it was rather fun and enjoyable.

Where I come from
In the early 20th century Enschede belonged to the biggest textile producing city’s in the world. And strange as it may sound it was also the biggest advertising capital in holland sharing this position wit Amsterdam. Amsterdam was about money and goods, Enschede was about Textile. It’s still called Textown by a lot of people. The whole region where I live was dependant on textile. Whole villages lived from the local textile factory that was present. In the village where I live (haaksbergen) you can still see this. The big houses that belonged to the daily factory management where closest to where the factory would be. The further from the factory, the smaller the houses. These houses are still called ‘labour houses’. They where build by the textile baron (dictator) same as the theater, the museum, the park. All textile money. Then you had the have not’s who didn’t belong to this structure. They where on there own and left to there own devices. Very poor mostly living of the land in huts you can hardly call homes. I talked to my grandmother about this wen she was still alive so it’s close to me. It’s really the world reduced to a village and a textile factory. Sounds familiar? America was build on exactly the same principle with railways connecting the city’s together. A bit like what the internet is doing right now. America is a European concept imported with the Europeans as was Apartheid in South Africa.

My birthplace and herritage
Everybody knew everybody in town so there was ‘social control’ as well. There would always be ears and eyes. George Orwell stuff really. So my father, just like his father was preprogrammed to end up behind a machine in a textile factory. Which off coarse happened. He was 14 years old wen he started working in a noisy, dusty plant. There where simply no other options. This is where the Desteni material comes inn. If you where born into a ‘management’ family you would live out your life according to the boundaries set for that group. If you where born in a ‘workers’ family etc. Now here is the strange thing. My grandfather was born as a ‘Lammers’ but the family couldn’t find any traces that went further back than that? That’s at least strange in a village where everybody knows everybody. I mean if you would fart in church your name would be known, halleluja.

The privilige of guild
A few years back wen my grandmother died we discovered that my great grandfather was a 'Jordaan' and not a 'Lammers'. He was a member of the big textile family that ruled over the little village. This man had a very illusive reputation and a female housekeeper that got pregnant. She was forced to marry a factory worker also called Derk (Lammers). This 'created' family got their own little door in the wall surrounding the factory. Completely bizarre. No other factory worker ever was given this privilege I mean this is really creepy. My father was never told by his own parents. They had to die first before the secret came out. The moment I got this news I wondered what this meant in relation to my family tree and DNA. I mean, how big can the contrast be. My bloodline runs back into two completely different families. One of them being the bourgeois the other poor factory workers. I also wonder if the above has anything to do with my father being able to eventually work his way up to become a print designer for The Jorzelino brand. This normally would have been impossible for the 'normal' folk.

Inventing Enschede
Eventually in the 60s asia became the centre for textile production in the world and the whole region where we lived went into a deep recession. Imagine how this must have been. The hole structure was build on textile and it collapsed completely. So it took everything and everybody with it. The whole region was forced to reinvent its self. So wen the session kicked of this morning, it was said that Enschede really needed transformation. This was worked into one of the first remarks I gave during this brainstorm. I said that this was a process that all ready started back in the sixties nothing shocking. So if there was one starting point for positioning this town it would be ‘Transformation’.

Information inside my body
All this family stuff was with me as we started to brainstorm at the communication agency this morning. I noticed that I was one of the few people that really new the region and it’s particulars. Most people present where not as well informed as I was on this subject so I was able to put a lot into the group and we really kicked ass this morning. I felt at ease with myself also because I limited my sleeping hours this week to a minimum. I stopped weed last week and having little sleep helps me to stay more or less relaxed during the day. I don’t get hyped up so much because I’m simply to tired. I was more focussed than I normally am. I was also more able to listen what was coming over the table from the other participants. It felt rather good and I was really trying hard to be professional and not let my ego or pride fuck things up. I loose my self very easily wen I get enthusiastic. Which is an emotion anyway thus not real. Anyway I made some very good contacts and made my money in the process. I did OK today and I was professional and productive which feels refreshingly good (which is an emotion thus not real). It was quite cool to be able to observe myself and at the same time be really productive and part of a group making money at the same time. I couldn’t help thinking about this strange outflow regarding my family though. I felt authority on the subject running trough my vanes (which is ego thus not real). But it helped me to stand in the matrix equal to the money I want as the Professional they hired to do a job.

A bit intimidated
There where a few moments I got carried away because of the dynamics of the group. I mean MT was there who is kind of the godfather of advertising in the east of holland and founder of the famous M agency. He and I had a very nice creative vibe going. It was the first cool professional day I had in years. But I was very aware of my emotions as I drove back home. Kept breathing and kept myself stable and calm reasonably well. I heart J’s voice next to my on a couple of occasions. Reminding me to shut up and listen unconditionally. Today was a learning experience in the physical and it was cool. Another point that keeps coming up is my yearning for a dog. I always had dogs and I wonder if it would be good for me to go find a pup. This house has only me in it. I think it needs more life. I really do.