The momentum of addictions

The end of the year is approaching and this year has been one hell of a ride. One of the most ‘important’ points for me this year was stopping my Weed addiction completely. I stopped using weed on the 13th of January. There was a previous attempt and during a sailing weekend a bit of hash was the trigger for starting again. So I fell and had to do a time loop. Stopping for the second time made me realize that stopping an addiction becomes much harder if one has to do it more than ones. In other words the second time I stopped was much more difficult. This also made me realize that it’s very important to be self honest about the moment you want to stop and the physical support you need in order to be successful in stopping an addiction. Be it Homeopathy, kinesiology, sports, a dog, a buddy. Whatever works for you. You have to look at these points in self honesty. You need to create support. A platform of stability to make stopping as comfortable as possible. Be gentle with yourself.

Am I addicted?
Looking at the reasons for my weed consumption and especially the point all drug users have in common is why? Why this addiction? Why this specific substance? I wrote one post about weed before and I noticed that it was very emotional and energetic. Well that’s exactly the point. We use substance because we are unable to cope with emotions or feelings from within as who we are and defined ourselves as personality. It doesn’t matter what drugs you are on. It’s always about suppression. And we all know that if something in this physical world is suppressed there will be a point where that build up of ‘tension’ has to be released. Be it an earthquake, dam bursting, volcanic eruption, murder, rape, lightning strike, explosion. They all have one thing in common and that point is (kinetics) energy. A release of ‘some sort’.

It’s the first thing you will notice the moment you stop a habit/addiction. There is momentum. Something want’s to move you forward as you just stopped. So you notice this push coming from the back that pushes you towards that point of addiction. That automated pattern you accepted as that habit. Something that belongs to you. And you literally feel you have to resist something. You have to push otherwise you are moved from where you are standing. Sounds familiar? Something is pushing you and that is the momentum of addiction. It’s not just drugs. It’s everything in this world. O that’s is nice, that’s cool, my kind of girl, my kind of car, my kind of food, my kind of art, music, candy, friends, sex, the way I pork my nose, education etc. etc. etc. All those reactions are habitual and can be considered addiction. Stuff/substance you are used to. That you use, that abuses you.

I preferred weed
Addiction for me equals identification as in preferences. Yes we can blame our parents because they where the ones starting to speak to us like that when we where baby’s. Isn’t that a nice brown teddybear? Euh, don’t know mom if you say so. So let's not blame. Anyway, eventually we get into groups that we prefer and start to do preferable things. We find a preferable wife, get preferable children and try to the give them preferable education that makes them preferred employees that become preferred bankers in the system with a preferable cocaine addiction. Why? Because in the end the whole world is addicted to money. Historians call that history. Darwinists call it evolution. Economists call it Economics and religious people call it God’s creation. Interesting. God’s creation is actually us, a bunch of junkies hooked on energy.

The way we live our lives is based on preferences. This law of attraction which in the end is addiction. This momentum. This system of energy that needs us to produce energy to exist. How do we do that? Through addiction. It’s sheer genius. Because we all have different preferences (addictions) there is alway energy generated. Scientists call it polarity. Now what would happen if we all stop? Just stop.

Impossible isn’t it? The momentum is simply to big. The whole system would implode immediately. That’s why the concept of equality is so hard to grasp for a lot of people because one of the biggest addictions is that to our own ego’s. I’m addicted to me and all my self definitions which ind the end are all preferences. I believe I’m full circle now. Am I drifting of here? Ok back to my 'former' addiction.

So let’s bring it back to myself. My addict-i-on. I on weed. Me smoking that shit for more than 20 years on a regular bases. What happened to me? Why was weed the substance I preferred?

Doctor, do you have something to ease the pain?
I already spoke about suppression. All drugs suppress. The drug I prefer is the one that does that job for me in a way I ‘like’ it most or feel most ‘comfortable’ with. Because I’m very aware of the experience I have with it. It does the suppressing in my most preferable way=to supress that what I actually experience within myself and (for a moment) want to suppress or ‘forget’. This also implies that there is NO DRUG that can make me ‘another person’ or forget always. That’s why I have to do it time after time again. To for a moment not feel/experience what’s actually going on within me. Within my state of mind (my mind).

 So, it’s not the weed nor is it the addiction towards it. It’s me fearing to be me here. To face myself here in every moment. Because I’m afraid of myself within and I want and need my weed to help me just for this moment to forget my own experience within. How I exist. Within existence. So I fear existing within existence. That’s it. Simple brutal common sense that applies to all addictions.

SO the more and longer I use the more I compound that experience of myself. The more I do this the more shit compounds and the more weed I’m going to consume. You see there’s only one outcome to this equation? Me wanting to smoke is me not wanting to face me. This is the critical point because here is where I had to become self honest in the moments that followed. I had to face myself. I had to stop running away from myself because it’s impossible? You will face yourself every day to come because it’s alway going to be you. It’s not someone else taking the substance is it? Substance or substitute. What is it that you need a substitute for? What is ‘missing’ in your ‘life’? It’s you standing up in that specific point. That’s what is missing. What am I holding onto within myself? Forgive yourself for that point and stand up within that point. It’s the only way! Yes I hear the question. How the fuck am I going to do this?

I dared to look
I am going to share some points I’m walking and still facing every day. I am facing the self-loser. I'm facing my self-deception. The harm I did to others. Me collapsing in the system completely. Me refusing to participate and share myself. Doing the things required according to my education as being a ‘good man’. What a fuckup. That whole morality implant I have. Accepting the system and the world the way it is and accepting the position I am in. Talking myself into delusion. Believing 'things’ instead of really investigating life as a physical experience. Thinking something outside myself is going to rescue me. Jezus, God, angels, yoga, enlightenment. Creating even more delusion, by projecting my believes onto others as ‘the truth’ as if it was real! (even my own children). Only moving myself if there is something in it for me. Making myself bigger better at the cost of others. Separating myself from ‘life’. I could go on for hours. And it's this kind of shit whe don't want to face within ourselves. This shit scares the crap out of us and makes us want to crawl away within addiction. Because we fear ourselves. I fear me.

Where does this stop? Where do I reach that point that is a real stop? It’s actually not a point. I simply realized that there where things not ok in my reality. But I still kept on reasoning with myself and that’s a killer because I was doing this with my mind. Yes, the same point where the addiction lived. This is where it get’s tough because I went nuts within justification and morality. It’s me I don't want to change lose my Identity because there is not enough self trust or value to just be who I am. The reason for taking my drugs in the first place. So stop that fear.

Create something new
So I had to get to that rock bottom point of absolute fear, where there was finally some humbleness within me. Where I started to realize that there was a problem and that I had to correct myself. I was very lucky to have someone in my life that was pointing these things out to me. As I am pointing them out for you now. I had support. But it was me who had to walk the correction. You can only do this in Self-Honesty. Because it requires walking backwards in your life to reassess the way you exist and correct yourself.

That’s the point where I am. I’m correcting myself. I corrected the weed point. ‘But’ it is a small point within lot's of points. It’s the tip of the iceberg that is me. You need to build self trust and that is a different story and not a walk in the park. However it can be done. Check out the tools that are available on the Desteni website and if you have any question or need support? Make yourself heard.

Former weed addict

The ‘Being’ and the baby...

Trigger

Yesterday it became official that my ex girlfriend and my daughter are going to move to a different city in Germany. The past six and a half years my daughter grew up to be a well-spoken little girl that I saw nearly every week. The physical distance between us was a little half hour by car. This will now increase too about 2 hours (if there are no traffic jams in the ‘ruhr area’ in germany). It doesn’t take a scientist to see the implications this will have on my relationship with my daughter. Everything is going to change from seeing each other on a regular basis to the holidays and long weekends. That’s off coarse on paper because depending on how my work (financial) situation will develop there is no telling if I can make myself available during all the school holidays they have in Germany. So to keep it short, a big point fell through in my life. I can finally start dealing with that point as what I manifested in this reality as fatherhood. The developing situation confronts me with the question of fatherhood in the broader perspective of not being physically on call. I’m removed to the background of the parental/family structure and through that experience points are opening up. These points where hidden so I will try to expand on that.

Consequences

My ex and I never planned for children so that rabbit hole became rather deep for us to navigate. The pregnancy came about due to the simple fact that neither one of us took the responsibilty for ‘birth control’. So we both accepted and allowed ourself to create the reality we face at the moment. It’s the ‘painful’ truth about what I allowed to manifested in this reality. I’m now becoming a symbol I used to despite. My backchat comes up with things like: A father in the distance. A father in the background, never there when I needed you, he lives in Holland and I seldom see him. It’s one of my worst nightmares and it’s manifesting in reality as we speak. Never ever would I see myself here the way it turned out. I look at my thoughts and emotions and the whole spectrum is opening up. Guild, defeat, loss, responsibilty, self judgement. The list is endless. But the situation is irreversible and was always in the back of my mind. A side effect thereof was that I somehow never dared to completely attach myself emotionally to my daughter out of fear of becoming completely lamed the moment this situation would present itself.

I will have to expand on this in a dedicated post because our actions dictate this reality. I'm facing my actions. The consequences are here and they are as real as it gets.

No ego no friction

Looking at the way my daughter and I interact I wonder what the outcome would be if she would experience me having an ‘emotional’ breakdown right now. If I wouldn’t be in ‘process’, facing myself from a different perspective my reaction to this situation would definitively be more emotional. Would that serve my daughter? I don’t think so. So from a starting point of ‘what’s best for all’ the decision to move is fully acceptable. My ex needs a steady job with a ‘future’. Her family will be close by so she will have a platform of support. These factors are not here at the moment so from that perspective I think things are simply moving where they have to move within the system. Financial stability and building a career. Stability it’s as simple as that. Who am I to disrupt this flow of events. It would be an utterly egocentric manifestation to go into this ‘separated father’ construct and create an emotional mess for myself. This is a typical make or brake situation where one either looses it or walks the path of change. It’s very well possible that this experience will open up more points. I will face them and share them in this blog. For now I have to breath, forgive myself and walk a lot of corrections. Which brings me to the next point.

Applying myself

This means taking everybody in this process in to consideration and walk in the best interest of all. Sounds simple but I find it rather difficult. I don’t find it simple although the equation might be. Taking everything in consideration means being aware of what to take in to consideration. ‘All’ is quite extensive to take into consideration. A vast perspective. A thick jungle of thoughts I get lost inn. This is where I ran into a brick wall yesterday and it triggered a lot of back chat. There was this voice that said “you’re fired”... At that moment looking at that point all emotional hell broke loose. I experienced all those moments in my life where I was in front of another person telling me I could start cleaning up my desk. Saying good by to friends and colleagues. Going trough the phase of loss, humiliation, self-defeat, shame, anger, spitefulness, ignorance, depression, money etc. For anyone who’s ever worked in one place for a prolonged period of time and was sagged, you now the drill.

Was es ist...

In the end it’s all ego of the mind. Self definitions. What I accepted and allowed in my life is what is manifested as me. This is just another outflow of that equation. Why did this point come up. What is there to take from what I see here? What’s the pattern? It’s me accepting and allowing myself to create consequence, have opinions and rebel against the system. But the moment that system gives me resistance I don’t push myself trough. It’s me going into denial and self pity instead of standing up, face the consequences and walk a correction. I start to see why I have great difficulties when it comes to getting in gear. Because I don’t. It’s the superego telling me I’m not to blame. It’s a construct of superiority towards people and situations. I’m special. Somehow the rules of the group don’t apply to me. Strangely enough I experience these moments as fear and inferiority. ‘What’s the use’. ‘It won’t work anyway’. I allow myself to become sad and depressed because ‘I just got fired’. It’s the ego given justification to open up my emotional box of pandora and the whole program can start from scratch.

See what condition my condition is in

If I wouldn’t have been in the Desteni ‘I’ Process being where I am and looking at it from the perspective of oneness and equality, well what can I say. It would have been another energetic experience fuelling the intense bitterness that has been accumulating inside me over time. The projection of that bitterness towards this reality and especially myself has been the cause of countless fuckups that prevented me from simply being ‘successful’. It’s all the things I didn’t want to face in my life? The words I didn’t want to hear or speak. The projects that where cancelled. The jobs I lost. The challenges I didn’t take. The ‘relationships’ that fell. All because I became instable because of this bitterness. So it’s up to me to look at what I try to avoid in this world? What is it that I don’t want to acknowledge within me, my self definitions? How come I never appreciated myself as the things I expressed or achieved as a child the way my daughter is doing right now? So in walking this process all that walk have to be taken in to consideration. It means pushing myself in every second every breath. Can I do it? Hell, I don’t know but I’m trying like never before.

Little earthquakes

Focus on the primaries 
Last week my Aging Powerbook G4 finally said goodbye as I was watching a DVD with my daughter. No drama, it was like a short last breath and after 6 faithful years the little white light dimmed not to shine again. Rather good for a laptop I must say. This confronted me with a bit of a problem because I’m behind on my assignments, watching videos, reading blogs. I also got an invitation to join the PF which confronted me with the fact that I'm not as 'digital' as I thought I was. I get kind a lost in all the protocols and information. I'm managing much 'better' than before though and I think it has a lot to do with stopping weed completely.

The road ahead
Looking at the things I needed to do it kind of overwhelmed me. The cost-raise for the DIP coarse confronted me with some anxiety as well. This point pushes me to either get a ‘good’ steady job or sponsorship. After sleeping over this thing for about two nights I decided to get a new laptop. It wil shorten the time I have to get things done from 4 to 3 months and I need a laptop anyway. Regarding the Desteni material, it will allow me to watch and read a lot of stuff in bed so I don’t have to be on this chair the whole day (and sometimes night).

Practise, practise...
Time management is not second nature to me so in this point I’m now becoming aware that it’s not a question of speeding up and become scattered all over the place but to slow down, share myself and be here in every single breath. There is simply so much I can do. So for the moment The list is as follows:

- Getting my assignments in on time
- Getting steady and consistent with my daily writing
- Getting steady and consistent with blogging
- Getting steady and consistent with Self-forgiveness
- Getting familiar with vlogging
- Posting everything in the required places
- Getting familiar with the online spaces I have to be in
- Getting familiar with new software and a new way of working
- Identifying and Removing all the time-consuming ‘bullshit’ from daily live
- Catch up on the latest videos I missed from Bernard
- Do more blog readings
- Do the daily shit and get the fucking ‘moneypoint’ in place.

Substantial results come with substantial action
The Desteni train is moving and I am moving to, which is awesome. But one way ore another I have to slow down and be patient without falling of the train. Its called a process and as J said: “only the mind knows of quick fixes” and I will NOT allow this to fuck with me because in this reality to establish change will take TIME. So I’m getting organized, I will breath and I will walk until it stands.

Words, nothing but words...

keep it going no matter what.  
Breath in breath out... OK. I was of the grid for quite some time. Stared at this screen for a number of times with an empty page in front of me. Write, just write it down. How do you feel today? What’s happening? How is the process going? Just tell ‘m. Share yourself, it’s all you have to do... Nothing happened accept for this whispering voice in the back of my head that was so soft I totally overheard it. “If you are speechless than don’t speech... There is time, it’s not a bad thing to slow down. Give yourself a break” etc. Ladies and gentlemen welcome to my backchat. The art of screwing not only myself but everyone who’s behind a screen wrestling with the same shit as I am. It’s called resistance. I thought the mirror I was looking into revealed nothing. Well... I wasn’t looking at the total ‘picture’ so I missed a few key details.

I don't exist, I bring into existence

I knew this ‘thing’ was not going to be easy. I knew It would take commitment and I know myself well enough to state that what I have presented to the outside world up till now has in fact nothing to do with myself. It is ‘memory based’. My memory, not ‘me’. So what’s that to you? Yes you, there, reading this. You could be someone I know personally. Maybe you think you know me ‘personally’. Well... You don’t. And if you think you do ask yourself the following questions. What did you think of me before I started writing this blog and has that opinion changed? I’m writing and I’m looking at what I can remember as me. I’m looking from a new perspective. If yours is still the same we obviously have a different view don’t we. Let’s not make this to complicated and say “we both don’t know who I am”.


Where does 'all' begin?

Why in the name do I write about my fears, insecurities, emotions, feelings. Am I mad? Yes I am. For the first time in my life I’m mad enough to stop. I stopped and saw what the fuck I helped to create and it was ‘this world’. I participated in every nasty thought and deed that was out there. I condemned, judged got depressed and highly emotional. I talked, cracked my skull, got older and nothing changed it only got worse. The world got rich and the world got worse. Now what to do when you are 42 and you see that the whole fuckup is about the way money is controlled in this world. You talk to your friends about the fact that you are most disturbed by this insight and that you want to do something. What happens? Nothing happens because ‘we are the world’ (if you are over 35 you know the song). It’s all of us including me, that’s why it’s so hard to chew. So here I am again. Writing, voicing myself because it’s the only thing I can do. We are all in this so everything will remain as all - ‘all the same’ - That’s not change is it? I kind of see that even though I’m a full retard. Here I am voicing myself and starting to forgive myself for my part of ‘the deal’ because nobody can do it for me.

Thanks for reading and please join the discussion on equal money.

Body language...

17 03 2011

What is happening...
What a week it has been so far, and am I judging this week as different than last week? As in more impressive or having more in store than usual? Yes I do. Let me say this. The weekend was physical and confronting. This has to do with sharing me with another person. That makes a difference. The most important realisation I’m having at the moment is the one of ‘physicality’. It’s somewhat difficult for me to express or explain exactly what I mean. I’m starting to rediscover my physical body again. But it’s not in the way I used to explore or be aware of it.

Observing my daughter in the water
The weekend started physical because I go and swim with my daughter whenever we get the change. Last week she took her toy diving goggle and a snorkel with her for the first time. In the water I took the time teaching her how she had to breath, keep the class from fogging up, her posture in the water etc. I noticed a very interesting thing. Her whole physical expression as a body submerged in water changed the moment she stuck her head in the water and started looking around through her goggle. Normally her expression while swimming is rather hectic. It’s the point I remark on the most when she swims. Slow down, relax, you don’t need all that movement to keep floating. Now when she looked down through those goggles and into the swimming pool, her body completely gave itself over to the water. The two kind of merged and she was floating comfortably on the surface looking into the swimming pool while breathing through her snorkel. She got it within the minute. I was a bit amazed.

The conversation of water with water
So I decided there and then I would buy her a decent Diving goggle and snorkel. So this week we where in the water again and she was hooked from the first minute. We where in the water for nearly two hours straight. My daughter is six years old and I’m 42. I’m always amazed of her physical stamina. I mean I’m probably still thinking that my physical condition is OK but it’s really not to be honest. I would probably kill myself if I tried to keep up with my six year old daughter on a physical level (lol). Anyway the element of water is kind of a rediscovery because the swimming agreement with my daughter forces me to swim on a regular base. I often noticed that I would be totally tired after being in the pool with her. A real physical tiredness. Every muscle in my body would feel drained of it’s power. In the ‘back of my head’ I know it’s not just the physical strain. My body releases stress when I’m in the water and It’s moving muscle groups that are parked in neutral during the rest of the week. Tension that is locked up inside those muscles releases and the body has to disperse the ‘acid-toxins’ that go with that. This is actually hard work so you get tired. Common sense I suppose.


It’s a physical thing
Walking back to the car after being in the pool for two hours immediately confronted me with this fact and it brings the point of ‘self-intimacy’ back. My daughter still has a strong connection with her physical body. And she is dispersing all these things naturally. If I don’t give these points attention my body will start to manifest problems. It is doing that all ready lol. So was I tired? Yes I was. But I’m always ‘that tired’, I’m just not aware of it. It gets stored inside my muscle tissue like carbage inside a landfill an there it rots away until the whole landfill get’s ‘moved’. That’s when ‘the gas’ is released and you smell ‘the smell’. Fascinating. 

Stop and look
The rest of the weekend was physical and fascinating too because I had a buddy visiting me. This meant little sleep, lot’s of talking and again physical work-out because I give her massages. Monday was fascinating because I was completely done. I was really and I mean really tired. No emotions just tired. I went with it. Slowed myself down and slept it out for two days. Luckily appointments got ‘magically’ cancelled and I was able to just be there in this rather strange state of mind. I felt like being in more than one place at the same time. No focus, no drive. Was it laziness? Stop judging Mike. 


'My' body the one and only
I’m fucking freaking tired and my body is telling me what happened over the last 10 years. It’s shocking what I have accepted and allowed to be stored inside my body. It’s a huge point and it makes all the difference in the world. Do I address or do I ignore? Ignoring the fact that all the shit get’s stored means destroying the only thing that is real in my reality. It’s my body and I’m not even aware of it. How fucked up is that.

‘Being’ inside my body
Yesterday I had my 3rd appointment with my Kinesiologist. I got my ‘Kraneo’ head massage. I could wright a book just about that hour being massaged and ‘touched’. I want to keep it short though so I’ll  stick to the points. I’m becoming aware of the fact that I’m floating on an ocean of pain. Every cell in my body is screaming but my ears are stuffed. I relax and I relax even more. The more I relax the more I’m aware of this overwhelming presence of ‘pain’ that is stored in my body. I could rant about systems and shit but I’m no authority so in my own words. It’s pain. Painful, personal. Information stored in every cell as me as what I have defined myself of over the coarse of my life. And it is huge!

A universe of pain
During the massage I really went into it and the horror cannot be described. It’s so vast I can’t bring it into words. But I was ‘OK’. Observing the whole thing and letting my body do the ‘talking’. The massage was aimed at equalizing the right and left hemispheres of the brain. I noticed myself inside and as the absolute outline of my physical body (being a balloon). Inside was nothing and outside was nothing. It was just me. Everything else was pain! The balloon was kept in place by pain it was defined by pain. I was watching one of the most exiting movies ever and it was al me...

The ghost image
L left me on the table wen she was finished. I waited till my eyes opened up and got up and off the table. L looked me in the eyes and was apparently satisfied with the results. “I don’t want to see you again, call whenever you think it’s necessary”. Laughter and that was it. I was very thank full for this experience. Getting support like this cannot be described in words. It has to be experienced. Is it fun? No. Is it cool? Yes. Getting to know the horror that is stored inside my body... Well it’s something else. Walking back to the car I wasn’t even completely in my body. It was like being in a time-lapse behind it. Like a silk scarf in the wind that follows the movement of that what pulls it.

Off the brakes
I haven’t really got anything done this week (matrix wise) and it’s Thursday as we speak. There is so much going on inside me but I can’t pinpoint what it is or what 'they' are. To be honest, I don’t want to. I’m here. I’m breathing. I’m slowing down. I’m slowing down for real. Not because my mind or the 'to-do' list tells me too but because It’s how it is. It's me slowing down and I'm freaking thankfull for that. This process is actually pain-full (full of pain, intresting). And I have an overwhelming urge to stop everything I’m doing. Just to stop myself completely. At least I allowed myself to take it easy and sleep it off. Did a lot of sleeping. It’s fascinating and it’s me that's doing it.

One breath at the time.

It's not my fault...

07 03 2011

Resistance

Over the last week I noticed a build up of resistance. The changes I’m going trough and the insights I’m getting are not ‘happy and joyful’ ones. So like a little spoiled child I go into resistance. I crawl under a blanket avoiding the ‘bad and ugly monsters’. The difference being that there is no parent that corrects or confronts me and that the monsters are created by myself. There is only me ‘as the parent’. So I create a lot of friction because I’m in a permanent state of polarity. Judging away at myself and at the same time realising that this is not the way to go. I lock up instead of applying myself immediately in those moments. To stop and breath. One particular point is important though. Taking a brake is not a ‘bad’ thing It’s taking an effective brake that’s the point here (I think).

A freaked out squirrel

There is this design job I’m working on. I started a weekend ago and I presented the first Ideas to the client on Tuesday last week. I was convinced it was good and I would get the ‘go ahead’ for working out the ideas. This was not the case. And although I realized nothing bad happened, my fears and ego got in the way big time. Also finishing the last DIP assignment was laying on the table downstairs. I locked into this pattern of being nerved and anxious. I have to perform, be disciplined, keep working. Go, go, go. It’s not a pattern actually. I think it’s part of the personality I created over the years. Hyped up. Never here. The expression would be a stressed out nut gathering squirrel on a branch looking for another tree that’s just too far away. He jumps, hits a few branches and lands on the Forrest floor (loosing his nuts in the process). He’s now on the same Forrest floor he should have used in the first place to get to the other tree. Now he climbs into the same tree again and repeats himself. I don’t want to judge myself to hard here but this is one stupid squirrel.

Hello personality

Wanting to be good and professional. Trying way too hard to be good and when the first obstacle presents itself the drama-queen stands up. A nervous, hyped up and insecure little kid that doesn’t now what to do or go about the simple things in front of him. I hysterical give into all the points my mind presents. And all that is presented are points of resistance and distraction that don’t support me whatsoever. Running away as far as I can from the confrontation.

Sidetracks

It’s the real shit here. What does it really mean to stop? To stop and take responsibilty for me and do what’s best for me, what’s best for all. Flight patterns that’s what they are. Instead of taking a real brake and just stop, go outside and walk for an hour (to the next tree). I find myself on the internet looking at horrific war imagery from Iraq and Afghanistan. Downloading a movie so I have something to watch in bed under the cover of ‘taking a brake’. Next thing I notice, it’s way too late and I’ve allowed myself to be sidetracked for a ridiculous amount of time. At the same time I’m permanently aware of myself doing this. There was this little voice saying ‘Mike come on, stop’. Mike you know what you are doing, stop’. I didn’t. Like a junkie I just kept on avoiding the things I had to address. The longer this lasted the bigger became the friction. The bigger the friction the more energy was generated. I locked inn, got possessed and eventually I was not productive at all.

Looping

What does this tell me. First of all. I must be more aware of the highs and lows. The way I charge myself with energy. It’s a fucker and it fucks me every time. It’s part of the personality I created and it has to come down. This has to be dissolved. So I must again remind myself and bring into action the ‘stopping’. What does stopping and slowing down practically mean to me? This I have to bring into the physical. Practically apply myself here. If not, I will be writing the same shit down again next week.

Keep it simple stupid

It’s too simple to believe actually. Maybe that’s why I cant do it. It’s a believe system I simply have to drop. Nothing is simple, can’t be. So now stress out Mike because it’s ‘hopeless’, I’m hopeless, I’m to stupid to understand. Run Forrest, run. So I run. I run onto the internet, I run into pictures, thoughts and emotions that have nothing to do with me or the thing standing in front of me. It’s a lie I believe in. Believes based on inferiority and fear of losing. It’s my superego versus that scary kid that isn’t allowed to speak about his fears and getting the support he needs. I’m starting to look at what I accepted and have allowed myself to become as the mind. A few months ago I would have been on the couch smoking my weed and go adios bad world. So these things slapping me in the face shouldn’t be a surprise actually.

Stand and deliver

I charged myself way to much last week and forgot to just stop, take a step back and look at myself from a different perspective. Instead I got consumed by taking on one thing after the other thinking that’s the productive way to go. A false sense of pushing. Look I’m pushing. I’m ok. I’m not lazy. In the mean time I was not productive at all And when the weekend came I was completely nervous and hyped up. Let’s see how this week goes.