Little earthquakes

Focus on the primaries 
Last week my Aging Powerbook G4 finally said goodbye as I was watching a DVD with my daughter. No drama, it was like a short last breath and after 6 faithful years the little white light dimmed not to shine again. Rather good for a laptop I must say. This confronted me with a bit of a problem because I’m behind on my assignments, watching videos, reading blogs. I also got an invitation to join the PF which confronted me with the fact that I'm not as 'digital' as I thought I was. I get kind a lost in all the protocols and information. I'm managing much 'better' than before though and I think it has a lot to do with stopping weed completely.

The road ahead
Looking at the things I needed to do it kind of overwhelmed me. The cost-raise for the DIP coarse confronted me with some anxiety as well. This point pushes me to either get a ‘good’ steady job or sponsorship. After sleeping over this thing for about two nights I decided to get a new laptop. It wil shorten the time I have to get things done from 4 to 3 months and I need a laptop anyway. Regarding the Desteni material, it will allow me to watch and read a lot of stuff in bed so I don’t have to be on this chair the whole day (and sometimes night).

Practise, practise...
Time management is not second nature to me so in this point I’m now becoming aware that it’s not a question of speeding up and become scattered all over the place but to slow down, share myself and be here in every single breath. There is simply so much I can do. So for the moment The list is as follows:

- Getting my assignments in on time
- Getting steady and consistent with my daily writing
- Getting steady and consistent with blogging
- Getting steady and consistent with Self-forgiveness
- Getting familiar with vlogging
- Posting everything in the required places
- Getting familiar with the online spaces I have to be in
- Getting familiar with new software and a new way of working
- Identifying and Removing all the time-consuming ‘bullshit’ from daily live
- Catch up on the latest videos I missed from Bernard
- Do more blog readings
- Do the daily shit and get the fucking ‘moneypoint’ in place.

Substantial results come with substantial action
The Desteni train is moving and I am moving to, which is awesome. But one way ore another I have to slow down and be patient without falling of the train. Its called a process and as J said: “only the mind knows of quick fixes” and I will NOT allow this to fuck with me because in this reality to establish change will take TIME. So I’m getting organized, I will breath and I will walk until it stands.

Time / resistance

03 03 2011

Stuff

I find moving myself through resistance very hard to do. Two weeks ago I applied for a job at an advertising agency about 18 km from where I live. I’m looking for a steady job for quite a while now. Running my own business and everything that comes with it simply consumes to much time. And because my income isn’t steady there is always the fear of money. I’m alone so everything that needs to be done has to be done by me. Paperwork, the house, the car, shopping, cleaning, laundry, acquisition, networking, website, etc etc. 

Running Behind

I recently updated the software I work with. These are my tools. The better I understand how they work the more effective I am in producing my work efficiently. I used to invest rather a lot of time keeping up with the developments. The more I can do myself means less external costs. I’m lacking behind big time. It’s actually starting to slow me down. I have to look for stuff in manuals and menu's while I’m working.  At the same time the clock is ticking and I have to get shit done.

Parenting and planning

On top of that I deal with being a parent mostly every weekend. Picking up my daughter on Friday between 12:00-14:00 and returning her to school the next Monday around 08:00 in Germany. I can hardly get any work done during the weekend. I might watch some videos in the evening or read through the material but I can’t push myself to get out of bed and wright an assignment for example. A lot of resistance. This whole time versus money issue is so fucked up. It’s like there is no freedom at all. Every minute has to be planned and time managed or the whole thing falls apart. That’s the main reason I applied for a steady job. 

WTF

At the moment I find it undo able to get everything done to the minimum standards and investing a responsible amount of time into my Introduction course at the same time. Around 21.00 I’m mostly done. Cant really concentrate. After a day like today where I was really submerged in working out design issues for a client I notice this huge barrier when I switch over to the Desteni material. I start reading and I notice that I can’t get it into my head. And I know it has to become me. Not second nature but first nature. I don’t see myself doing this if my life stays organized like this and at the same time I don’t have a clue on how to organize it otherwise.

Today I got the phone call from the owner of the agency. And he told me he was very sorry but he just couldn’t fit me into a 4 day work schedule. He really needed someone that would be there at least 40 hours. In advertising this means at leat 50 to 55 hours a week. Not including drive time. It’s just impossible. The thing I keep running into is always the same. No option to work part-time. It’s either a shitty job that doesn’t bring enough money or working my ass off and come home wrecked. That’s when the other list has to be done. I know that there are people who do this. How?

When and how

It’s so abstract to me. it’s like that right now. I’m simply tired and want to lay down. Maybe watch a few videos in the videos section on the Desteni site but that’s it. Diving into the DIP, analysing sentences, interpreting words in english and than writing it out. No thanks. My head refuses completely. This is not working. I assumed that an hour a day as was indicated would be enough to stay on track. But I can’t get it done. It all takes way more time than I expected.

Really have to breath and relax now. Been behind this computer from 08.15 this morning with hardly no breaks. I want to lie down now and I’m going to lie down now. Today is done.