Day-023-E-value ate the money

I was looking at some of my experiences over the past week. A week that was filled with ridiculous deadlines, stress, irritation, tiredness, confusion, suppression and lunacy. All because the money has to flow to a specific point more than to another. Its kind of mathematical and I'm not talking about the whole planet although exactly the same thing is happening on a macroeconomic scale and because I am a participant I'm confronted with the 'value for money discussion' on a minute to minute bases.

I make money so I'm a cost point. One of many that causes stress. That's what money does and it's measured in space and time. I'm confronted with this principle within almost every decision I make during my day, in fact all people are. Even the ones that have no money are part of the 'deal'.

So like the ones before me I accept the shite as part of the package and although it has always bugged the fucking hell out of me I was somehow able to suppress the anger and frustration with lot's of distraction in the form of so called free time and entertainment. That pattern however is kind of changing as my Facebook page illustrates.

The past always visits me as I find myself in doubt during my projects. This week I got a vivid perspective of myself within and as the patterns I exist as 'personally and professionally'. I had a few volcanic moments and at one point. I snapped and allowed myself to become completely possessed by anger and frustration. It was not a pleasant experience. It disgusts me to find myself in that total possession and looking back I can see that trying to avoid the experience is one of the reasons I have lost or quit jobs in the past.

This week like so many before felt like being submerged in energy and I couldn't earth myself to remove the static. It's like I see myself go I know what will follow but I'm unable to change direction. It's almost like an addiction. No, it is an addiction it's a pattern *flag point. It's knowing only one way and being to scared to even think of another that's it. Today as I finally take this moment for myself to put one and two in perspective where I'm cleaning up my house, doing the laundry, walking the dog and I become aware of my body as this collection of tension is when I realize I'm actually the sum of my the parts that make up the equation.

This is my fucking value for money!

It would be extremely funny if it wasn't killing us. All this tension because we have bills to pay. Slowly cannibalizing myself as the days pas by. And it hit me today that it makes sense. What Value? From every purchase or every sum of money spent. Value for money is based not only on the minimum purchase price but also on the maximum efficiency and effectiveness of the purchase. The interesting question however should be, what is our 'valuepoint' of reference regarding value that is permanently changing according to our own preprogrammed behavior? In other words my unstoppable appetite to have more than others. I am part of the fucking feedback loop. I'm feeding the monster by my own participation. Ah it's genius we all faced the same question. Stand or deliver? We all deliver and fall collectively for the highest bidder which is our own mind.

There is no value and that's why it is what it is. Even if my life would be that of luxury and splendor there would be no value because value is created in the mind and that can't be done without creating debt. From my perceptive it explains the way I experience myself within my work. I do not dare to say professional career because what is a professional standard? It is part of the same value system that is part of the money system and if you have the whole of humanity including myself trying to buy more for less this is what you get. Over time no value was created we only created debt so I have no value only debt and it's so huge I can only pretend it does not exist and deny its existence because facing my responsibility within it is just to big and to shameful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become possessed by energy because I did not give myself clarity within the chaos surrounding my professional activities over the past week.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to panic instead of getting a clear perspective on the impossibilities of the work that had to be done within the given amount of time and take self responsibility within communicating these points clearly and effectively with all people involved.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not place myself within strict boundaries regarding my priorities and to be realistic about what can be done and not be done and communicate that, taking into consideration that the reaction I get might not be a pleasant one seeing realizing that placing boundaries will always cause someone somewhere to hit the fence within that I see realize and understand that I'm not responsible for the way people deal with their emotions and that it's not my responsibility to have all the answers

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not seeing realizing and understanding that one of my tasks is to alway be clear within my communication because without clear communication on my part there can only be assumptions that become projections regarding me and the status of my work

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within my work loose my professional stance



http://desteni.org/
http://desteniiprocess.com/
http://eqafe.com/
http://destonians.com/

Day-018-Let's skip school and smoke pot!

Woke up this morning and before I had my eyes open there was this unrest within. My body felt heavy and not relaxed. My back was hurting and I had to start working on a project. It felt like being back in my schooldays with a party hangover.

I'm experiencing some of the aftereffects of sharing time with a friend intensively for over a week. I have to kind of set myself up again for work. Yesterday I got a surprise visit from another friend. I was a bit shocked by his appearance. He looked hammered. I constantly had this backchat that this could have been me. I was seeing a lot of anger within him and asking about it confirmed the point.

I don't see or meet many people socially but I have some friends and we kind of keep an eye out for each other. As we catch up on things in our lives the principle of oneness and equality and the blogs where discussed and I notice time after time again that the biggest point with people seems to be integrating the principle message practically within this reality as daily life. I can write my blogs and have an opinion but like anyone else in this fucked up existence have to get the food on the table meaning remain part of the crumbling economic reality. Survival comes first and that's exactly the universal point that keeps us enslaved.

So I see a friend that looks hammered and I catch myself worrying. I know it's stupidity to worry about people. It doesn't serve them or existence whatsoever. However one point I saw very clearly because I saw it within myself and that is the point of addiction and especially the addiction to conflict. Seeing everything that's wrong with yourself and the world and accepting and allowing yourself to believe there is nothing you can do to change this creates a huge amount of friction within, allowing the mind to build these huge constructions of self sabotage. And within that I allow myself to become very angry, short fused, irritated, depressed, sad, hopeless. The list is endless and the effects are devastating on the body. I became a zombie that was eating itself literally. I'm 1.90m and at one point my weight was around 76 kilo's and dropping.

One of the things I have always done in order to 'cope' with myself was smoking pot and by doing that I suppressed myself completely. I couldn't face the world this reality as what I had become within it. I accepted and allowed myself to believe there was no place for me in the system at the same time I saw it was impossible to escape it. I realized the system doesn't give a fuck. That's why pot smoking and alcohol are so effective in suppressing or releasing specific energies. It serves the hunters who are moving with the system hunting for profit. Less competition more kill. Stopping my weed consumption  was an eye opener. In fact it showed me that my total behavior is addiction based.

It's not complicated, this is the world we create to 'live' in. I stopped hunting. I became enslaved in my own head by moral constructs and projections about the world and the way things work instead of really investigating the nitty gritty of it within and as myself.

It's very hard to get to a self honest point if life is treating one well. I don't give a shit about the world when I'm stoned or high. I don't care about my neighbor or humanity when I'm ego tripping on my success in life. See there is no difference. Both equate the same outcome=ignorance.

My ego trip got me here in the first place and now you want me to believe it's all a lie? Well not to me it is. My success is fucking real you better believe it. I lost myself because I thought I knew how the world works instead of investigating if that was really the case. Doing so made me realize that reality is horrific and that explains why only a few dare to confront themselves with the rawness of this creation.

I realize that being in relationships to survive and being exposed to and forced within the system feeds the parasite that's the mind that eats the body alive and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear waking up to my reality of having to go to work solely because of the money I need to survive in the system

I realize that the principle message of equality is very hard to grasp when one is submerged in daily life within the system where every symbol and all we do relates back to the time is money equation and that this becomes who we are and express within our lives and accept as reality literally eating ourselves alive and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the co creator and participant within and as the system that is ruled by the 'time is money' equation and within that I forgive myself for not realizing that by participating instead of standing up for life for real I was eating myself alive

I realize that seeing reality as the overwhelming amount of information it is as distraction from the experience of self within creates huge conflict and within that only few can stand the pressure and friction generated culminating in ever more outbursts of extreme behavior in the world where people start eating each others faces in public showing who we are within and as mind possessed zombies and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a cannibal myself because I did not realize that by feeding of others I am eventually feeding of myself and within that I commit myself to stand up and give to others what I can as I would like to receive

I realize that fear is the ultimate system of enslavement and that reacting to and following my fears will eventually lead me to apathy and suppression where self movement comes to a stand still and the only option left is eating myself allowing others within the system to profit by taking my place. Within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not face my fears and instead give in to the self abuse of addiction to energy as conflict and substance instead of standing up to deprogram myself in order to become equal with life to create a world that is best for all

I realize that by thinking about the world does not solve any problem. Problems are solved through physical action which implies I have to become physical action and only through physical experience as walking the corrections necessary to bring self change will I be able to change my reality. Within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sit back and reflect allowing myself to start the inner dialoque distracting me from the work that simply has to be done. I commit myself to not postpone my physical actions, to stop and breath and bring myself here in order to walk a point I see in real time in order to change my reality.

I realize that getting to a point where I can face myself in self honesty is not I single perspective, it's a process walked step by step, point for point and only by having the whole point and nothing but the whole point by the balls will I be able to make the correct decisions in order to change myself to what is best for all and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the tendency to overcomplicate things thus I commit myself to keep EVERYTHING simple and walk from there learning to apply common sense to daily life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the effects of reality as a projection in the face of another being.

http://desteni.org/
http://desteniiprocess.com/
http://eqafe.com/
http://destonians.com/

Day-013-My Adrenaline Junkie character

I was having a conversation with someone and he said he observed periods in my life where I would only talk about biking. Whatever the conversation was about I would somehow bend it and bring it back to biking. Within this I see that I have always allowed myself to become completely possessed within hobbies or sports. Who am I as this competitive and fanatical character? How did I build that character and why?

As a child I spend a lot of time outside. Specifically in or around trees. I loved climbing as long as I can remember. Looking back and seeing myself as a child climbing trees I see that I really enjoyed climbing. I see myself enjoying the way it involved all my senses, moving forward, back, left, right an also up and down which added another dimension. Then there was the experience of gravity and being suspended.


Speed
I also loved speed. And looking at my family I can see why. My father and his brothers are al post war children that grew up in a period that was all about 'the war'. Fighter pilots, spitfires, speed and espionage! I grew up with these stories about the second world war and all the technology involved. Most books I was reading as a little boy where about these subjects and I lived a lively fantasy with all these pictures. War and everything involved had (and still has) a big influence on the characters I create and live out.

Within this I created the character of the dreamer, not so interested in social activities and more distant from other kids. The voices in my head always told me why and how I had other, more 'important' things to do. Within my mind was this permanent fireworks display, this uninterrupted stream of fantasies and projections of big adventures I had to undertake.

Bringing the point here shows me how I existed within that experience of myself as that never ending stream of information that poured from my subconscious into my head. I realize I had no words to describe what was going on with me. I generated so much energy within me and that might explain why I couldn't sit still. Within this I see and realize that I was a compressed spring, always ready to spring into action. I felt stable and relaxed when I was moving. In other words doing something physical and within that would not be in my head so much. I would (as an adrenaline junkie) always  be looking for something that required total physical attention and involved all my senses as much as possible.

Pedalling
The moment I got my first bicycle was an experience I can only compare with the energetics of falling in love. I had butterflies in my stomach. My character on a bike was like this little energetic turbine spinning as I learned to bike and pedal my way around. Within this and on my bike I created a lot of characters. I was a pilot, racer, cop, fireman, astronaut etc. My bike allowed me to become every character that had fast as an expression.

I enjoyed speed and G–forces and the first roller coaster ride in a theme park was a life changing experience. Back home I would try to recreate that experience of being on the roller–coaster on my bike. With time biking became effortless. I was flying around and covering distances that would take me hours to do on foot. Biking around the neighborhood on my bike made my world smaller.

I was on my bike more than on my feet and biking to me felt more 'natural' then walking. Then BMX hit the scene and as I saw the first image of a real BMX bike I was stunned. It took me about two hours to completely strip my bicycle from all the unnecessary parts down to it's bare essentials and I created the BMX character. From that moment on I started digging trails with the other boys in the neighborhood who also stripped their bikes and adopted a BMX character. We had our private little BMX track next to our house. The stage was set and we enjoyed the play of flowing through berms picking up speed doing switchbacks and jumping around. I realize that playing the BMX character on a bike allowed me to be in 'the zone' and feel in control of myself instead of being ruled by the fireworks in my head.

Biking was my stability point, and because it involved a lot of falling it was also a 'character builder'. A way to express myself and within that is the point of feeling more confident on the bike than of the bike=in character out of character=on drugs of drugs. Whatever I takes to cope with the world.
That soothing tiredness after the adrenaline rush. Endorphins as the morphine to hide myself from the confrontation with myself. When I started doing less sport I started smoking more pot. I never looked at it like this but it makes total sense to me now.

Within all extreme sports people talk about 'the zone'. It's a place where 'normal' people would step on the brakes. Were you think you loose control. Fear steps in and a shot of adrenaline comes to warn you you are 'officially' outside your comfort zone and about to die. This is where most people start screaming inside a roller coaster because their 'instinct/fear' tells them to get out of the situation.

Fear as a personal coach
I always enjoyed that moment where I saw the fear inside myself come up and was able to greet it with a smile. The edge of fear became like a familiar character and if one is with a familiar character one tends to be more relaxed. When I found myself doing something extreme (stupid) I was always aware of the warning lights and alarm bells going of. I always felt fear but I was able to keep it in the background like my personal coach thus creating the character of the personal coach within and as my fears.

Within the zone all those little voices in my head where silenced. Rare moments where my mind would shut up for a few moments like standing inside the eye of a hurricane. There are a lot of kids who would be on medicines right now if it wasn't for their skateboard, BMX bike or whatever adrenaline pump they have.

Gaining Confidence within the zone allowed me to go beyond what I thought where my fears and faster than 'the competition'. That created the character of a winner and over time within that I created the adrenaline Junkie and extreme sports character. When I see interviews with guys from the xtreme sports community (they are mostly guys), I cant help but see the same characteristics coming from the same kind of script. Huge amounts of bravado, testosterone and a good skill set.

My thingie
I always had a fascination for extreme sports. Every opportunity I got to do something extreme I took no questions asked. As an adolescent they could have strapped me to a rocket unable to wipe the smile of my face. Looking back also within my family it makes sense. I identified myself utterly with characters of bravado, courage, fearlessness and speed. That whole thing they call extreme sports including the after party characters that belong to the scene.

Whatever we call ourselves within the activity or sports we practice in the end It's all competition and no one wants to be last. The place I compete is where I give my ego the 'all you can eat experience'. It's being with the monkeys screaming in the trees.

Sport could be so much more within and as a physical release and that's why I try to write some words down because I think that sport should be about physical expression without any form of competition or ratings and within that we will inevitably com across the money point.

I had to drive around and train on a piece of junk for years before I sold all my lego and got my first 15 kilo BMX bike that took a lot of leg to get moving. My adrenaline Junkie character spited (rich) kids and at the same time drooled over the bikes they had. Bikes that where 7-8 times more expensive than the little monster I drove around. The only status I could press out of my character was in the driving I did. I could only make sure I was fast and fearless. When I meet people I haven't seen for a while they mostly remember me as that character. Biking has always been my stability point and thus Achilles heel. No biking meant becoming unstable.

Recap
So within me is the character as the biker as confidence. Within doing extreme sports the adrenaline junkie character gave me the experience of success that I was not able to give myself in school, relationships, etc. Eventually this extreme sports character took the main stage on my world stage. Where I always had to push things over the limit. Where I always had the last say in things and provoked people in order to hide my own insecurity. It's why I pulled towards people that where a bit of center. Crazy ones, eccentrics, outcasts and underdogs. That's why I never was a successful athlete. I trained like one but lacked the ambition and discipline to compete every weekend and I feared the so called real athletes because I couldnt quite grasp where they where coming from. Apparently it was not my starting point to compete as an athlete and at the same time I enjoyed racing other guys in competition. I have been in competition with myself until I discovered within self honesty that I will eventually always be my own competitor like a dog chasing it's tail. Eventually the Mount everest will have an elevator and climbers will realize that you might as well cross the Sahara backwards. Eventually it's a biggest dick contest like all competition.

I created a character and with that came an addiction and as with all addictions I needed more drugs killing myself in the process. I wanted to beat myself which is impossible. I can only deprogram myself and that starts by killing my characters. It's funny to see that sports is actually more fun if there is no competitive character involved because it will become expression of self movement and within that I have to become intimate with myself. A point I have not yet fully embraced so an opportunity to observe myself as I slowly detox and deprogram the extreme sports character and allow self intimacy to step forth.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become completely possessed within and as the adrenaline Junkie

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for creating a competitive and fanatical character within and as the adrenaline junkie?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that I really enjoyed myself climbing as a child physically expressing myself within the experience of gravity and being suspended moving forward, back, left, right an also up and down without competitiveness and within that I forgive myself that I didn't see realize understand that this is my physical expression without the self-destructive competitive component, within that I see that I have created competition as the winner looser within thus allowing it to exist without.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and live the character of the dreamer allowing myself to isolate myself from others and within this I forgive myself for allowing myself to create the voices in my head as excuses to always have more 'important' things to do within and as the isolated character of the dreamer hypnotizing/identifying myself with the fireworks as my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I had no words to describe what was going on with me as a child where I generated so much energy and within that making it impossible to sit still and within that creating the external physical manifestation of restlessness not seeing realizing and understanding that my lack of vocabulary did not allow me to effectively communicate what was going on inside me within that I see and realize that I was creating a lot of tension creating a spring, always ready to spring into action thus creating a character of tension

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify and copy iconic and heroic characters not seeing realizing and understanding that by copying characters I am only creating more characters eventually loosing all sense of self and within that I forgive myself for abusing my physical body for competition like a race horse for sake of playing competitive characters

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that playing the BMX character on a bike allowing myself to be in 'the zone' and feel in control of myself was simply a distraction like all distractions where I would use the zone as a distraction/drug to experience myself for a short moment without the fireworks in my head and within that not realizing that this short meditation would not take away the point I was trying to escape within that I see I was already creating the basic construct for all addictions that followed later

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see falling of my bike abusing my physical body in the process as a character builder and within that I forgive myself for creating the character of the tough guy allowing myself to connect being on a bike to confidence thus creating on the bike=in character/of the bike=out of character and within that creating the basic impulse of using characters to deal with my internal turmoil instead of trusting the physical as breath as me here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to feel good endorphins created by exposing myself to physical and mental stress and within that abusing my physical body in the process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become depressed because I couldn't compete because of injuries inflected on myself by pushing myself over the limit and within that I forgive myself for not taking self responsibility for my own actions as the extreme sports character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel superior to others within the point of fearlessness within and as the extreme sports character being able to control my fears and project fearlessness as a distraction to hide my insecurities

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and others as lonely insecure guys overcompensating with huge amounts of bravado, testosterone and good skills within and as adrenaline junkies

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to I identify myself with the image and mentality of all-round sportsmanship, courage, fearlessness, speed that is called extreme sports including the after party characters that belong to the scene within and as image, looks, clothing, music, brands, and use of words

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compete in sports in order to give my ego the 'all you can eat experience' trough participating in competition with the soul purpose of winning at the cost of others

Day 004-All astray

All ash trays - ashes to ashes - dust to dust - Am I?
I was a serious believer in a 'god almighty' and within that I loved to debate about god and his creation with people. On Facebook I keep running into believers and sometimes I find myself in a conversation with a religious person although I urge myself to avoid those. Religious people tend to monolog and advertise religion instead of debating and reasoning about what they actually state as the truth so help them god. What's fascinating and stands out for me when speaking with most religious people is how they answer straight questions. Or should I say 'do not'. Yesterday I responded to a few religious one-liners someone placed online and this whole thing opened up. I reacted because the words 'lost souls' where used which are demons from a christian perspective as they where from my perspective. This is what was placed:

If you can save even one lost soul
Your name is on his attendance roll
If you can truly learn to be his guide
His mercy will flow from his wounded side
If you maintain to be a peace maker
He will forever be your caretaker
If you remain in his love of all things above
His spirit will surely come and rest upon you like a dove

My response was:
How do I dentify a soul and within that a lost one? How can I save that which is all ready lost? How can I make peace if peace cannot exist because we exist in separation? Why do people avoid the tough questions that would require oneself to rethink and change believes?

[S]
You are toughly prejudiced...have to change to be convinced...you need an identification...of God's justification...then you will never exist in separation...I cannot change my belief...which turns my distress into relief...it is purely a matter of choice...things will change when you get to hear his voice ...for the lord forces himself on none...his loving kindness draws towards him his people one by one...!!!

[me]
If you cannot change a believe you are stuck in your mind and highly manipulatable. That's the whole construct that is used within elitism within the world system where a few profit from the many as Jezus explained as he was not a religion! We believe he is and made him into one. This brought us evil because from that moment we where locked within the mind [as religion]. The only way to set yourself free is to do as Jezus did and become the living word instead of a follower of believes!
See for yourself where you place yourself within your own words as a believer that refuses to question his own believes. Do I teach that construct to my children than what will happen? What do you say to a child raised by the wolves? Is that child guilty or innocent? What does not speak your language do you separate that from who you think you are?

Only I am able within self honesty to see how I exist within my own words and deeds and constructed believes and lies. Within that I will never be able to see my own constructs if I am living as them. Remember we where born within a program without believes so where do believes come from? Who is it that accept and allows what we believe? These are real questions one needs to take responsibility for towards oneself before believing what so ever! Questions that trigger resistance are always fear and fear is the sole reason why people believe! Jezus showed us what happens if you brake that chain. None of us within whatever believe system is braking that chain hence the state of hope we are in. Hope lives in the mind!

[S]
There seems to be a self contradiction...there seems to a fear in a change of your situation...if you say fear is the sole reason to believe...I can truly conceive to perceive...because the fear of the lord is the beginning of wisdom...without his righteousness no one can see his kingdom...I think myself to be a child of God... chosen and adopted by his own accord...we have a hope of a life even after death...because Jesus is alive and living today we need to breathe in his breath...!!!

[me]
What is fear of the lord more than fear of some-thing you believe? As you believe you are a child of god and hope of a life after death because Jezus is alive. Let's stay with the facts here. Jezus is dead our believes of him are alive. Your believes keep you alive, are they life? To be a child of 'god' makes you a child of this world (OUR CREATION) A world of separation. Hoping the past will come in the future within the mind as hope is completely denying what is here as our reality which is separation through believes. What a-fortunate-lie, is reality.

I commit myself to breath here within reality to remain here in this moment and not lose myself within the mind where I become victim of my own projections that become accepted and allowed believes I will manifest as personality instead of living action.

[S]
I beg to differ here...my conceptions are very clear...If Jesus were dead as you want to say...life would be chaotic people running wild in their own wickedness falling astray...we have learned to trust and obey...Oh lord may thy will be done not mine as you have your way...!!!
Faith is important for man to be going...without faith and hope I find no reason to be living...!!!
I live my life by saying "it could have surely been worse"...and that rids me of every strand of curse...!!!

[Me] (at this point starting to feel reactions within myself as irritation)
You refuse to look at reality as it is [S]. We have learned to trust and obey all right. The question is what happened after that? Is creation what you describe it to be? Is life balanced and equal? Is creation an expression of enjoyment where all have equal means to express themselves without friction and conflict? To turn your words into a mirror. Life is chaotic, people are possessed and wickedness RULES the world as competition and within that we are all astray!

- [wasn't that what Jesus demonstrated so dramatically?] -

To believe you are an exception is an absolute elitist acceptance which makes sense because you have a solid and boxed believe which you place outside the realm of reality where only you as personality as perception exist. It's not complicated. Believe is not real. Reality is real. Or If reality is real our believes can not be. We tend to overcomplicate the obvious because we fear.

[S]
Even the Bible gives a true revelation...Satan is ruling the world who denies this conviction...he is crouching at the door ...with his craftiness for people to devour...if people were all made to be equal standing on the same footage...with similar faces of one heritage...wouldn't there be more of chaos and utter confusion...without any recognition or identification...I would dare to challenge for all look alike to make a striking position...jealousy will eat them like a vicious snake...then life can never have a replay neither a retake...!!!

[me]
Now read what you just wrote. Projecting statements from the past onto the future totally avoiding the present. More chaos less chaos. One Adam two Adams! Eve would have children! So according to you, suffering is acceptable because your believes make it quantifiable? I bit more for him and less for her because the bible tells you too. The all forgiven god seems to keep a shadow account. A newborn dying of aids can only be justified within cultist or brainwashed believes. Common sense would rule out any justification. In reality it make no sense. If an all forgiven god would exist this example proofs the god is not all forgiven and I'm brainwashed to the point I will abuse others in the name of faith. To know water is to know ice as god and satan are the two sides of a single believe. To accept one you have to accept the other for they would not exist within equality!

STOP

etc. etc. If I didn't stop myself here, this religious ping pong could last for years. So I'm going to look at my reactions and see where I reacted because reaction equals the things I fear myself. First of all there is the general irritation I feel because straight questions do not get straight answers. I know christians who dare to say "I don't know". Which is a brave statement coming from a any fundamentalist believer. So it irritates me when I ask a question and that question is totally ignored. In other words no joint effort is made to find reason within the claims that are made. It almost always ends with: Yes but I believe…. Those words kills all reason and stand for total denial of what is here they take only the one who speaks them into consideration confronting me with the total possession of that person within and as his religious believes.

I always assumed that religion was to search for god. To search for meaning. To have questions answered. Because that's what religions do. They answer questions. Specific questions. I used to respect men of faith and their so called dedication. Dedication to what? I completely overlooked the fact that all religions dedicate themselves to and within a confined space. They set points of value. Points of interest. All within a simple mathematical equation that if you have lots of assets you have greater chance of making profit. By now we all know why the top of a pyramid has only one stone and that stone is covered in gold with only the heavens above. The rest is of no importance! The more power you collect the more momentum you gain the more you collect. A snowball never rolls uphill.

We are part of and inside a religious community or value system or box or culture or cult. We all reach planes of religious boxes in our life. In those moments you have little options. Remember the first time you realized there would come a time you would be old and grey and sick and where going to die of old age looking like a raisin? Same point. Within a system one move from one conception to deception to another. As with all believe systems one either leave the box which will allow one to look at the box, or one stay in the box and one doesn't. It's up too our god given 'free will' to decide. How is that for 'free' and 'will'? Within the box it's warm and things are orderly. The box is comfortable and you don't feel hungry. What we don't seem to realize is that all believes are one big box. The torture never stops. We are boxed in and as we live our lives in this chicken run that suffers beyond imagination we slowly pick away at the other chicks watched by the farmer without questioning our believes in regards to this hand that seems to feed us. It's the boiling frog equation.

The beautiful lie always wins from the honest truth because we all want food, a chicken run and a quick painless death. Hopefully we will live happily ever after, joined by angels or 666 virgins or heaps of Ganja or whatever picture presentation reward is waiting for me in 'THE FUTURE'. I realized I have to be aware of anything or any one that makes a promise or proposition towards the future starting with my own mind. Where is my future without me?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in a 'better' future

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect a better future to god

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe god is responsible for my future

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that for me to have it better someone else will be worse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that god and satan can only exist because I accepted and allowed myself to believe in one of them creating the other in the process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create all kinds of projections regarding god and the heavens without ever realizing I was doing this all in my mind while earth was here to ground me all the time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my ideas and concepts of god on to other people even my child without realizing I never knew if anything I claimed had anything to do with reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am responsible for teaching my child there cannot be anything bigger than you if you cannot factually see it and experience it within this physical reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my hopes and prayers would be answered by some thing I never proved to be real for myself within common sense in this reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my parents for not teaching me about reality not realizing that they where brainwashed by their parents as we are all brainwashed by our parents

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that school thought me about reality while in fact they only showed me the way to behave within the system not revealing the true nature of who I am as humanity which is a manipulative self centered species that will lie and deceive to get what it want's no matter what

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to train myself in the art of manipulation becoming the epiphany of manipulation towards the world around me in order to get things my way not realizing I was becoming my own prisoner within my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value myself as and become the most important thing in this world making it almost impossible for myself to place myself one and equal with others no matter what they did or are doing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not test my believes trough physical action in reality in order to experience their validity and transform them into practical knowledge instead of believes

2012 Medipulation of the spotted mind

Job Interview
I'm having a job interview tomorrow and I'm thinking about it. Meditating on it some would say. The work, the distance, the money, my dog, time management, priorities, freedoms etc. tetc. Again I'm confronted with countless ways to disappear within my mind as thoughts I'm apparently free to think. The surge of secret thoughts that flow by and the emotions they trigger as fears.


This mindfuck that's called meditation or 'thinking about 'some-thing'. Whatever name I give this mechanism, It's never about what I am meditating on it's about what I do as meditation. Mental discipline? WTF why? It makes no sense for it will not bring forth anything more than structured thoughts. Concepts that could be applied in a structured world. My meditating is like calibrating my program to function optimal with the other programs. Meditation-callibration will get me to the point after interruption called reality until my code is 'clean' until fully functional for the system to benefit. Until that moment I will be rebooting myself time after time again like I did a billion years before. It makes no fucking sense at all.


 - 'thoughts'-  - ought's - out to be - electric buzzing bees.


Involvement
I used to smoke weed. That's where you puff and disappear within this sea of endless possabilities as thoughts. Floating on this ocean of electrical impulses coming from within. Like stepping of the train in amsterdam on a saturday in june. It's that surge of energy that can completely overwhelm the hereness as me breathing at the stand. 


My thoughts can only move me if my body cooperates. Thoughts are valued as well. Thoughts have labels and barcodes. They are chit-chat, bullshit, a waste of time, entertainment, strategies, business concepts and moneymakers par definition. That's the way I have been meditating through life. Not looking at my thoughts but becoming them. Identifying with them. Valuing them and reacting to them. Allowing myself to become depressed by them. Fearing them. Projecting them, abusing them to abuse others. 


Writing out my thoughts
Often I see myself as this warlord and my thoughts as innocent children I turn into soldiers simply because I'm allowing it to happen. As within so without. I'm permanently fucking with myself using knowledge and information to manipulate the world around me. From the moment I started to think, started to meditate I was on it. Crying like a baby became arguing for my limitations, which turned into my personality that manipulated me through 'life'. Thoughts that pray have nothing on hands that do the work to survive. The result of what I think this existence to be is completely unacceptable. Does that justify my thought that 'the way' we think is completely flawed? 


I'm having a job interview tomorrow and there will be mutual interest and understanding followed by making it work.


Or not. 
mikel-k restart

2012 are you chosen?

12 21 12, 2012, 21 december 12, dec 12 2012, december 12 2011, december 12 doomsday, december 21 2012.

What's The Frequency Kenneth?
What do others say about 2012? What does the bible say about 2012? What can I say about 2012? As far as I’m concerned 2012 is one year. A point in space and time. A fraction of space-time. Funny, the Germans call the universe ‘Weltall’. The world and all. The dutch say ‘Heelal’-Heal all-Hell-all-All hell. English is interesting too, ‘Universe’. Uni-verse! Lot’s of universal verses. Interesting. I ‘prefer’ the German definition ‘Welt-all’. Kind of includes everything.

Losing My Religion
There are a few among us that believe the world is coming to an end. That’s a bit out of the ‘ordinary’. I calm myself knowing that my world will end every night when I close my eyes and go to sleep. Where am I when I sleep? And where am I when I wake up? As long as I can remember my world ended every night and was there again the next morning. How is that for strange?

Shiny happy people
I’m in the process of stopping my mind for little more than a year. Someone asked me if it made me happy? Is it 'working'? Does it 'help' me? Does it 'make' me a 'better' person? In other words what do I get in return for my efforts or investments. Yes, the shit runs deep. Happiness, the second largest religion in the world.

A lot of things changed for me in 2012. A lot of things stayed firmly in place. This process is absolutely not what I expected it to be and it's not a cheery, joyful experience so far. It's a nightmare to wake up too oneself within this world. It’s an experience however and that means there are things I can share that could benefit others who are having trouble with the current outflow of events as we enter 2012. Yeah, that biblical event where time is supposed to end and the chosen ones go to heaven to drink champaign. Duh, I thought we where all born in sinn. So everybody stays here. No jumping in front of the train now, we are all going to be in this shit together. We are all future neighbours. What did Jezus say again?

Wall Of Death 
I’m 43 and kids start to call me an old man. Being an old man comes with a few issues. So when I started this process of stopping my mind those 'old man' issues became quite prominent. What the fuck did I do all those years. Where the fuck was I? What the fuck was I thinking? What the fuck? This whole process started with one simple question someone asked me. "Where are you?" Investigating myself started with that simple point of being-here. W-here is the being? I couldn’t answer that question and from that moment on my life has changed dramatically. Changing myself is much harder than my mind makes me think because my mind doesn’t want me to change. My DNA likes to have things running according to plan. That's the 'hard-bit'.

One point I begin to see in more detail is the personality I have developed over time. And it’s interesting because this morning I remembered that a teacher teased me by calling me a donkey in school so the kids started to call me that as well. ‘Donkey’ because I probably fucked up a lot in primary school (apparently donkeys do that). Being called a donkey as a child was not a nice experience and it was one of those experiences where I became aware of myself as different from the point of inferiority.

It’s all quite funny because from the current perspective as what I have become as a personality the comparison to a donkey makes total sense. I accepted and allowed myself to become a stubborn, noisy and sedentary persona. Try to get me from my place against my will and all hell brakes loose and just like an old donkey, I’m good at carrying a load and look pitiful doing so.

Automatic For The People
One of the first things I became aware of after I started this blog where my habits. My whole being and I mean everything of me consisting of these patterns merging into my behavior as me as this personality or persona as you will. Having a specific preference for every little thing I do, think or feel. From the way I drink my coffee up to the way I wipe my ass. I started to see that the oldest habits I have are also the most fossilized. There is no real me. It’s all constructed in real time like a wireframe pixar movie. Reading the Desteni material made me realize that I was only defining myself through words, emotions and feelings that come straight from my surroundings. I'm not those fucking words am I? Here! I am starting to observe myself as my own prisoner within what I think feel or say. I'm fucking screwed by creation. WTF! Yes this kind of shit is shocking and I got really fucking angry. At first I was only aware of my so called ‘bad habits’. A complete morality fuckup. Bad habits are also habits so let's start from scratch here.

The One I Love 
Smoking followed by smoking weed are my oldest habits. So if I wanted to really push and test myself those where the key areas to start breaking my habits. I stopped smoking weed almost a year ago. I smoked weed for more than 20 years. I quit smoking about 7 weeks ago. I started smoking when I was about sixteen so that makes smoking a 27 year old daily habit. The strange thing with stopping is that it’s not hard at all. You just stop and that’s it. The hard part is the hard-bit, the habit. It’s simple and at the same time unexplainable up to the point I just freak out, lock up or start to fuck with myself (which happens frequently). It’s like stopping programs that keep rebooting themselves again and again. A very annoying process but I cant blame or be angry with the programs. I wrote them myself meaning I'm responsible. That’s how I see it. Dissolving the after effects of stopping is a different chapter that has to do with taking self-responsibility and guilt. More on that as I go along and overcome points of shame and embarrassment while sharing my life here.


Everybody Hurts 
Now stopping addictions sounds simple. What makes it hard? The moment I stop one habit (robot-program-system-mechanism) the whole carefully built production-line starts to protest and make noise. So that one habit is always connected to another habit or point. Habits have really big families! It’s fascinating and painful at the same time. For me stopping those habits felt like relationships that ended. In fact that's exactly what it is. How I relate to things are relationships. I had a relationship with weed. I was in love with it. She eased my pain. She was always there. Never complained. Made me laugh. Satisfied my needs. Told me not to worry and that I was okay. She made me feel so good and also sick sometimes. And yes I broke up with her for good and that hurt like hell. Everything started to shift and tilt. That whole point with me attached to it has to be repositioned. Just like all those other relationships. It’s mental as well as physical up to this day.

The saying “you need backbone to stand to a decision” That’s the physical point I’m most aware of. My spine. It has not stopped moving since I started this process. At the moment it’s very painful. The whole thing is pulling me in all directions and I'm very tired because of it.

Turn You Inside-Out
Stopping weed and smoking shows me another perspective that’s fascinating. I’m not judging my smoking or weed consumption anymore. The substance is not the point. ‘What’s in it for me?’ that’s the starting point. It’s that. If I want to know why I smoke I just look at the effect smoking has on me and why. My habits are handlebars, hiding places, escape hatches, social credit cards, ice breakers, common ground, stability points to survive as this persona I have become. A persona that has become almost to demented and automated too change. I’m within a world system that functions exactly the same. Braking my habits makes me feel 'the rupture' in the fabric that connects me to the system. That's my end of the world. What can I say, It’s as painful as it is fascinating to see what I made of myself. It’s also pretty scary at times. The only realization that calms me down is the realization that no matter how bad the nightmare, reality will be worse.

Stand
Applying the Desteni material  is not a walk in the park. Desteni is not a gathering of people padding each other on the back for being ‘good citizens’. Exposing the true nature of oneself and each-other is a confronting and sometimes painful process. There is a lot of resistance within me because of that. Sometimes it seems impossible to move, that's where 2012 comes in. The more people move the easier it gets. Humanity doesn’t like Destonians because they are everything the world is not at the moment. Why is it so hard for me to stand with and as a principle of oneness and equality. To do whatever it takes to bring life back to this earth?

Because it requires changing myself as the physical. With physical proof showing you that even old men can stop shit and that change is possible. We don’t need hope, we change through changing and that takes fucking time and effort. Move with us and support an equal money system.

Desteni is the only group of people in the world I see that take life seriously enough to take everything into consideration. The only way we can change this world is by changing ourselves one by one until all = one. Equal money is the tool to get this done. Time is ticking. Will I break the habit that is me? Will I be here eventually?

The burning Daredevil

As a child, being one of the ‘dreamers’ in the classroom made me part of the small group of ‘different ones’. You know, the children that are mostly last in line when the soccer players are selected. Not that I liked playing soccer in the first place but you know what I mean.

As years past by I adapted this ‘being different’ as my personality. I mean it’s what was reflected back to me all the time so that’s kind of how I shaped my personality. My parents ‘lovingly’ reassured me that that I was ok and that there was ‘not much’ wrong with me. Which was great to hear but it didn’t change the course of events that followed and became ‘my life’.

I got into increasingly more trouble with my surroundings and started to move away from what was ‘socially’ accepted. I mean remove yourself from any given structure you are part of and you are on your own. That’s looking at it from my current perspective but at the time I was developing a personality which makes it a bit more complicated. So what became of that little boy I called me at the time?

Well there was a lot of frustration and anger because I didn’t feel accepted and there was my developing body that got stronger. I was a very ‘physical’ child, aware of what I could do with my body and I loved to experiment with it. So without being really aware of it I was always playing around with my ‘physical’ abilities and just looking how far I could push myself. At times this was pretty far compared to other children and sometimes I noticed that other kids would kind of be hypnotized by what I was doing. Grown ups started calling me a ‘daredevil’. I kind of thought it was a compliment although I didn’t understand the meaning of the word.

What’s a daredevil?

daredevil |ˈde(ə)rˌdevəl|
a reckless person who enjoys doing dangerous things.
adjective [ attrib. ] reckless and daring.

reckless |ˈrekləs|
Adjective (of a person or their actions) without thinking or caring about the consequences of an action
ORIGIN Old English reccelēas, from the Germanic base (meaning [care] ) of reck .

daring |ˈde(ə)ri ng |
(of a person or action) adventurous or audaciously bold : a daring crime.
• boldly unconventional: : a pretty girl in daring clothes.
adventurous courage : the zeal and daring of climbers.

ORIGIN Old English durran, of Germanic origin; related to Gothic gadaursan, from an Indo-European root shared by Greek tharsein and Sanskrit dhṛṣ- ‘be bold.’

Anger
By definition I was a reckless child and around that time I had a little bike I would drive around the neighborhood making engine noises as I drove a long with my tongue hanging out. This could be considered normal because that's what most boys do at that age. But whenever I was frustrated or angry I would find myself on my little bike driving around like a lunatic. Al my anger and frustration was pumped into my pedals and pulling the handlebars. Sometimes I would visualize pulling the whole bike into pieces. I was often that angry (energetically charged). A side effect of me doing this shit regularly every time I had to ‘release’ was that I got really fast on my little bike. Then BMX hit the scene back in the eighties and I was ‘hooked’. In school though, I was still this insecure inverted inside out kid with poor social skills that didn’t understand group dynamics and was looked upon as ‘the daredevil’.

Thus ‘I’ became Daredevil? my alter ego, my other self. And as time went by I completely accepted that persona in word and deed. Al my insecurity was replaced by bravura. Interesting that within the definition of a daredevil there is: ‘without thinking or caring about the consequences of an action’. My personality became a blown balloon full of lunacy, anti authority, non conformism, theater, drama etc. An insecure mister knowitall hiding behind larger than life stories. The outcome from my present perspective was predictable.

So my skill set was far from what’s preferable in a rigid corporate system you are supposed to embrace as you grow up or into. On top of that, coming from a social left wing family background money was a dirty word in the first place. Yes you always end up walking the path of your predecessors until that first self-honest question is answered. Who the fuck am ‘I’ really?

I despised (financial) successful people and money out of inferiority. Why? Because those people had all the characteristics of the kids that did good in school. Kids that where able to adapt into the system with great ease. Learning the tricks of the trade and do the trading. Now it makes a whole lot of sense to me that what I despise will not come to me. This is exactly what happened in my life. Complaining about the lack of ‘resources’ and at the same time spiting them. That’s not a recipe for success is it. You can be a daredevil in this system but make sure you are head of a bank or a corporation first.

Being that daredevil upside down in a tree is looking at myself through a veil of perceptions. Replacing that veil with a mirror would have reflected the inner demon of my self accepted ego that fucked me time after time. It trapped me into that perceived persona of the daredevil. As a result I have lived limitation al my life only because I accepted and allowed myself to be what was reflected instead of looking what was really there. Such stupidity. Now standing up from this and walking back the manifested consequences is the story unfolding. It’s the toughest most painful thing I ever did and at the same time the most rewarding and soothing because I’m bringing myself back to me.

Daredevilism is a set of skills applied to a certain set of physical challenges that have no real application other than entertainment and satisfaction of the ego of the daredevil in question. The Daredevil can only transform by altering the starting point and definitions regarding ‘him-self’ as the Daredevil. This can only be done with the support and reflection of people doing the same thing otherwise he would walk blinded into the next self created stunt or disaster.

There is a Daredevil in all of us. Investigate and you’l be amazed by what we create in this reality we call ourselves. My journey with Desteni so far made everything I did as a daredevil look pathetic. Seeing myself in self honesty took more courage then anything I ever did in my life. It's like being Evil Knievel stuck in his own burning tunnel burning to death.

My Daredevil ego goes wild when it get's no attention. Often I look away for a second which is enough to let it fuck me up completely. That’s where the real challenge of self-honesty begins for me. No rewards for my ego. Time after time again. Every day, every second and every breath until it’s done.

Mommy's making mommy's

The pair ends

In the previous post I ran onto (fore lack of a better description) ‘my mommy point’. That point when one as a child starts investigating the world. Where you take a step outside the comfort zone knowing mommy is there to run back too when things go 'bad'. Exploring the world from a safe haven whereby one slowly learns how to cope with what the world throws at us. A way of building confidence by ‘failing’ so to speak. As we said in BMX: “learning how too fall is more important than falling”. You will fall so you better get good at it!

We all come from the one person that’s responsible for us all being here. A mother. We all had one and from there we created that what is here reading these lines. That what we accepted and allowed ourselves to become. Where is that line between where parenting ends and we become self aware, independent individuals? Individuals?

The word individual is interesting. It comes from the latin word Individuus, from in- ‘not’ + dividuus ‘divisible’ (from dividere ‘to divide’ ). Divided as “separated into parts”. Isn’t that what we call 'sorting'. Where do I fit in? In what category am I 'sorted'. How are my characteristics defined and when do 'I' divide into the individual?

A pair of them

As I grew older I started noticing everyone having particular parents. As a child this was strange to me. All I could refer too where my own mom and dad so that was the only concept of 'parents' I had. Later in life I started too talk about parents with other people. I was kind of shocked that there where people that where not so happy with their parents. I mean some would recall them as the best thing in their life and some would despise them. Then there where people that didn’t even know their parents. Parents, a 'strange' relationship. You relate too the parents you have and that's it. There is no choice.

I became aware that I was spoiled by my parents through people that where not spoiled by there parents. If you are abused by your parents you will know this trough people that where nurtured by them. We thus always see ourselves and others through the parenting that was done. It also means we are always looking into the past when we are interacting with other people. Seeing myself is no different. When I’m looking at myself I’m looking into the past. The place where ‘I’ originate from beginning with the womb of my mother. That moment where my mother and father where divided from individuals to parents. Where the pair ended and brought forth and divided.

What about cloning? Well cloning can only be done if there is genetic material that derived from a mom and a dad. So without parents no cloning and no human race. Parents are the essential ingredient to what we call humanity. As human beings we are always connected to our parents, their parents, parenting and thus too humanity as a whole. Strangely enough nobody seems to live this reality and I think that’s because we are 'individuals', we are divided. 

Very upsetting especially to a child the moment it become aware of this, which is mostly during puberty. The way kids get trough puberty and adapt to reality determines almost everything that’s going to happen later in life. So what does this tell me about the phase before puberty? Isn’t that phase the most important one in a child's life and what role do the parents play during that phase? Do they think about stuff like this before a child is born? Are we as parents and teachers fully aware of what a child is going through ones it’s stuck in this reality of adults? Do we as adults ‘listen’ to children?

My words are dead

As a kid I had a LOT of trouble adapting to reality. In fact I’m still in the process of figuring out what ‘reality’ actually means. At least I’m sure that reality is in our heads because that’s where we ‘think’ we are. So reality can be whatever we think it to be. It’s what we think of it.

We create reality through thinking and parenting and it’s all done from our collective past. Reality is looking into the past and seeing what we ‘the creators’ created. If I don’t change my present the future will look awfully similar to the past (maybe a little more futuristic). Apparently all the thinking, effort, prayers, wishes and best intentions of the parents before us couldn’t prevent the big fuck up reality is right now. We are doing a horrible job parenting this world and that’s reality as I see it.

For me it all boils down to the fact that ‘I do not live my words in this reality’! And that’s what I must have done in the past otherwise I would not be where I am today. I live in a self created dream I call ‘my reality’. An extension of my childhood where at one point I disappeared into my head and never came back. Where the boy became a man like all men that fuck(ed) this world into oblivion. How did I end up living this illusion?

Moms safety

When I was about 12-13 years old I became aware that I soon had too leave the ‘save’ little world of, my neighbourhood, friends and Lego. The daily routine of coming home to my mother after primary school. I remember doing tests in school and that teachers began talking with a different voice, all serious all of a sudden. As if the fun was now over. Fear the future children for now it gets serious. Yes it did. I had to answer these grown ups what I wanted to do with my life. What secondary school I wanted to attend. I didn’t had a clue.

My parents took me to open houses. We visited several schools and for the first time it hit me that I was living in a different dimension than they did. All I can remember before this moment was being a happy playful kid with a lot of ‘energy’, a rich imagination and no fears about the future. I never got bored and I always felt save. This sudden realisation scared the crap out of me.

The kid that was me had a head full of images that ran wild. Being a boy those images mostly had to do with men stuff. I remember being fascinated by technology. I wasn’t good at math but I could give a speech about Leonardo da Vinchi without preparing for it. So to me school was just another place to play around with my interests. I was fascinated by everything technical. Especially spaceflight and stuff related to flying in general. My childhood was about fighter planes, flying aces and big battles (exactly like my father). My parents allowed me too watch a lot of television. I think it was kind of ‘normal’ in those days. People didn’t have a clue about the impact of television / media. To tell a vision or Tell a vise. Interesting. At least we can see what television brought us. I saw a lot of things that where not ‘meant’ for children’s eyes. That's for sure.

Reading

As soon as I was able to read and owned a library pass there was a fresh stack of books next too my bed every week. At first it was all about the great wonders of the world. The pyramids, the romans, vikings, etc. But the thing that stands out from the beginning is my fascination with war. I was fascinated by weapons systems from the old. From catapults used by the romans up too bouncing bombs used in the second world war to the gunships used in vietnam. If there was a war movie on television I would wine and beg till my parents allowed me too stay up late too watch it.

I think my father ‘loved’ it. He was born in 1940 and had vivid memories of dogfights between German Messerschmitt’s and English Hurricanes and Spitfires in the sky’s above our village. He was also walking the streets as a four year old when the english mistakenly bombed our town and a bomb nearly killed him. I heard that story at least a hundred times. The sealing of my bedroom was completely filled with model airplanes. I could tell the story on all of them. I was that Steven Spielberg kid that would fly too the moon someday. If a plain would fly by I could tell you the type just from the engine noise. In school this often led to irritated teachers because when a plane flew by I would do exactly that. I was obsessed with aeroplanes and flying.

My father loved to talk. So any questions from me regarding history, aeroplanes, the war or whatever where always answered with elaborate and colourful stories. And I have heard his life’s stories a million times. At least I know I come from a rather 'eccentric' family. My father kind of was my internet. I got all the information on everything I wanted to know from him. If I asked a question he would talk every time all the time. He also loved to colour his stories. Making things more intense and impressive than they actually where. I sucked it all inn and eventually became exactly like him. My mother tried to equalize this stream of information but was no match to the oral tsunami my father produced. My mother had 3 dominant males in the house. It must have been a nightmare for her.

Mysteries

My father and ‘I’ both had a fascination with mystery shit like spontaneous combustion, the bermuda triangle etc. I read bookshelves on that stuff. One of the stories that triggered my imagination immensely was that of Flight 19 that disappeared over the Bermuda triangle. I read all this stuff between 8 and 12 years of age and I was able to dish it all up into minute detail.

I was also completely addicted too television. I remember seeing a lot of stuff that was definitively not rated ‘all ages’. Ratings didn’t even exist back then. I saw horrific stuff about the holocaust, napalm bombing in vietnam etc. The stories that made the biggest impression where those that had too do with fighter pilots and special forces. Especially stuff behind enemy lines. I remember watching Colditz a British television series that screened between 1972 and 1974. The series deals with Allied prisoners of war imprisoned at the Colditz Castle. I must have been around 6-7 years old at the time and I remember being very emotional and tears flowing as I watched a scene where a B17 and crew go down behind enemy lines. I think my parents didn’t have a clue about the impact television had on me.

Puberty

Was my full frontal collision with reality. My universe sort of collided with another. Everything changed the moment I had to go to High school. I felt completely alienated from my surroundings and literally everything hardened. It felt like concrete was poured into me. I had to grow into something but didn’t have a clue what ‘that’ was. I didn’t want to grow up. I filled my head with violence and fear. I wanted to fit in but couldn’t figure it out. I began too think that there was something wrong with me. I became an outcast in high school and was bullied extensively for more than 3 years.

It drove my parents crazy. Especially my mother. She became desperate. My parents must have felt guilty because they tried a lot of things to make my life ‘fun’. Through my own experience I now realise that what a child like that needs is living examples of how things work in this world and especially why.

In my last year of high school there was a bullying incident where I snapped and nearly killed someone. That moment was an eye opener because it had an immediate effect on the ones that where harassing me. They stopped! So from that moment on I started projecting physical confidence. It was the only way too create my own space. I could do this because of my sport which was BMX. BMX saved me from going nuts. The only thing in life that gave me confidence at that moment was BMX. So it was me and my bike everyday all day.

The Mother

Inside I was extremely insecure and my self image was one of complete failure and incompetence. To the outside I was a daredevil, a rebel and a troublemaker. Always pushing the limits. I was an extremely annoying boy to say the least. Always talking, always having the last word and stubborn to the bone. I pretended that I didn’t give a fuck and I camped in my head most of the time. A child like this today would immediately be diagnosed with ADHD, PDD NOS or whatever and probably end up in a corner medicated and drooling. 

Mother

mom |mäm|, noun informal, one's mother. Abbreviation of momma.

Imitative of a child's first syllables ma, ma.

Origin

Old English mōdor, of Germanic origin; related to Dutch moeder and German Mutter, from an Indo-European root shared by Latin mater and Greek mētēr.

verb [ trans. ]

1 [often as n. ] ( mothering) bring up (a child) with care and affection : the art of mothering.

• look after kindly and protectively, sometimes excessively so : she felt mothered by her older sister.

2 dated give birth to.

Looking back and seeing my mother I wander. Is there a mothering school where a woman can go before getting a child? No. So where do mothers get educated when it comes to raising their children? What does a mother want to teach her children and with what purpose? How many parents ask themselves these tricky questions in self honesty before sending their kids to schools full of old information? And if these questions are brought to the table, how many parents get solid answers? I think I stumbled upon a bit of a problem here and more than 150.000.000 children worldwide don’t even get educated.

Mother nature

In nature the program is simpler and able to sustain some kind of equilibrium that humans are unable to grasp. Probably because it’s too simple. A lion baby will be raised by lions within a group of lions. If the pup would start to behave like a hamster the outcome is predictable. When growing up, a lion kitten will learn to hunt and catch his own meat or it will die.

I think it would be the same with children if it wasn’t for the fact that they have human parents. Beings with complex and highly egotistical forms of ‘artificial intelligence programs’. So what can one expect from humans? Believe systems are programmed into babies by us the parents? Everything of the parents is projected onto the child. And in this world it means that the newborn is always loaded with old and incomplete information. The moment a child starts to think for him or herself he or she starts operating from the past exactly like the parents did. It's using their, morality, coping mechanisms, personality. This means we experience the same fucking bullshit our parents experienced again and again?

So that’s what happened too me, to all of us. There is no concept of 'equality' in our source code. It’s why humanity is not evolving but exploding. It’s why we are now experiencing a world on the brink of collapse. We are all running software that’s not 'best for all'. As parents and children we are all as individuals responsible for updating our operating systems. I mean we can all see with our own eyes what the old programs are producing just to clear the point. How can anything change if we keep copy pasting ourselves?

Stop recycling

Let’s all become software developers for the new world. At Desteni we focus on educating ourselves the ‘adults’ in this world that will eventually be having kids or not. Educating already existing parents to teach to their descendants how it is that we as human beings require an actual Education in consideration of each other as Equals. With actual practical application which implies an entire reform to the Educational system. A system which Is flawed and money-driven. As a consequence you experience the world as it is today.

Let’s make parents the actual teachers of this world to breed a world that’s best for all. Visit the Desteni I Process website to Educate yourself and Invest on Life Skills that can be practically applied no matter where in the world you are. Let’s make children the actual Future of the world: a World of Life in Equality for All.

Investigate the Equal Money System to see how Education will no longer be directed by money-making skills but Life Skills to LIVE and not merely survive.