Day-026-my need for greed

From my present perspective I have started to live the word greed since the first time I wanted the bigger piece of a cookie when my mother would brake it in half. That first moment I heard myself say "but his part is bigger than mine". That's greed to me. Mine! Mining for satisfaction of self interest. Always and only at the cost of others. The opposite can be greed as well. Where I pity myself and manipulate people into helping me. Where my behavior turns parasitic instead of predatorily. Where I lean on the crutches of others so to speak.The word 'greedy' has an old English / Germanic origin. In Dutch we say 'gretig' which means 'eager' which can easily be mistaken with enthusiasm. And that's how I primarily lived and projected greed into the world. My enthusiasm, 'my into me I am'. If I wanted something I became eager to get it and as a child I already learned how to manipulate by copying the principles from my parents and I saw greed in everyone. The word greed was simply a description of behavior like so many others. It never raised any real questions. It was simply something that everybody did and it was how the world I accepted functioned.I was introduced and started to see more perspective within the whole construct of greed as I went to school which was a catholic school and I heard all the bible stories. So as I got home and my mother told me I shouldn't eat so fast/greedy it made no sense to me. To me being hungry and having an apatite had nothing to do with Cain and Able.Within that context the concept of 'sharing things with others' is part of every parents vocabulary and morality construct within raising their children. It's an exact copy of what my parents said. But no parent lives his or her own words within it. So what can we expect of a child? I heard it often until it became part of my background noise. I had my own priorities for I was greedy. Share your toys, the playground, play together, share the fun, be nice. Fuck! Share the so called peace. Yeah whatever you fucking hypocrites. And there you have the arrogance of puberty. The freaked out pubic anger attack. Where every parent get's his or her last chance to look in the mirror before it cracks and shatters the fairytale of parenting children in a world where all parents live greedy ever after. My child before your child whatever happens. Go and reproduce ye little ones.As far as I can see that whole concept of greed existed within me as the polarity between selfishness  and generosity. Where greed became my primal motivation to become top dog and generosity the way to manipulate others to remain in position. Not understanding both mechanisms so essentially I was clueless and fucked myself oblivious. That's another story though.Giving is an investment and receiving the pay out. One can pretend to give unconditionally but it doesn't take a scientist to see how we live this principle as we create our reality as the human species trough it. And primarily that's how I see myself reflected back into this reality where I live out my greed as self interest within all my actions. That's like becoming my own corporation.Within that I see and realize that the concept of giving as I would like to receive made no sense because it was never explained to me into specificity what this equation entails. My parents and teachers like the ones before had no other option then to follow their preprogrammed path of destruction.Within that I see and realize that I have never done anything without wanting something for it in return. If I found a sick animal and brought it to the vet I thought I did it out of compassion. But I also wanted to get rid of a potential feeling of guild without remorse. I programmed myself to think that it was my moral obligation to act. Where did that come from? O yes education and religion. Good and bad and so on. I was educated and already part of a living reality based on winning and loosing, power versus weakness, hard versus soft, strategic intelligence versus lack of information, men versus animal. I see that not bringing the wounded animal to the vet might have caused me to feel guilty. In order to invest in feeling good in the future I reduced my 'feelings' of guild in the now. That's like protecting investments through intelligence. Then I brought the animal to the vet instead of helping him out of his misery because I had this whole morality thing about killing. The vet probably killed the little squirrel in the backyard as soon as I left the building. A perfect example of acting out greed and how I as the mind build the corporate structure that is me. Passing on karma without even knowing what it was at the time. Lol!I could go on and on about my participation within it. As an example as I got my first job I was one of the few people in holland working with Apple computers at the time. So I had an advantage and I knew if I kept studying the software and stayed ahead I would remain the power user I was at the time and the reason I got the job in the first place. So I was very eager to keep my skill set up to date and within this I got increasingly more scared of the future because I slowly started to understand that what happened in the bible was also happening to me. That there was competition rising and that I had become part of the equation. It started my quest for answers and it also fucked me up career wise because the rat race is not a race you step in or out of. You participate or leave the stadium. If I'm not part of the race I'm not competing on the world stage and without greed someone else will do the killing for me. In that regard nature is less cruel than I am. Nature is what it is I want to be more than 'I' am.Excessiveness is a disease, like the luxury to live a depression. A few years back I was able to do so because I had some financial reserves so I could lay on the couch for a few months smoking pot while feeling sorry for myself. Like I had more rights to be depressed than someone else and with that comes the guild. The catholic dogma coming full circle. Greed and guild is what made the dutch one of the wealthiest nations on earth. Like a lot of dutch I'm aware that we are guilty thus have committed a crime. But we tolerate crime and thus we became one of the richest and most liberal countries in the world because we breed the greed to do so. Welcome to my roots of greed.More to Come. Must Watch Documentaries if you are interested in understanding reality:The Century of the Self: Part 1- Happiness MachinesThe Power PrincipleThe TrapPsywarHuman Resources: Social Engineering in the 20th Century

Day-013-My Adrenaline Junkie character

I was having a conversation with someone and he said he observed periods in my life where I would only talk about biking. Whatever the conversation was about I would somehow bend it and bring it back to biking. Within this I see that I have always allowed myself to become completely possessed within hobbies or sports. Who am I as this competitive and fanatical character? How did I build that character and why?

As a child I spend a lot of time outside. Specifically in or around trees. I loved climbing as long as I can remember. Looking back and seeing myself as a child climbing trees I see that I really enjoyed climbing. I see myself enjoying the way it involved all my senses, moving forward, back, left, right an also up and down which added another dimension. Then there was the experience of gravity and being suspended.


Speed
I also loved speed. And looking at my family I can see why. My father and his brothers are al post war children that grew up in a period that was all about 'the war'. Fighter pilots, spitfires, speed and espionage! I grew up with these stories about the second world war and all the technology involved. Most books I was reading as a little boy where about these subjects and I lived a lively fantasy with all these pictures. War and everything involved had (and still has) a big influence on the characters I create and live out.

Within this I created the character of the dreamer, not so interested in social activities and more distant from other kids. The voices in my head always told me why and how I had other, more 'important' things to do. Within my mind was this permanent fireworks display, this uninterrupted stream of fantasies and projections of big adventures I had to undertake.

Bringing the point here shows me how I existed within that experience of myself as that never ending stream of information that poured from my subconscious into my head. I realize I had no words to describe what was going on with me. I generated so much energy within me and that might explain why I couldn't sit still. Within this I see and realize that I was a compressed spring, always ready to spring into action. I felt stable and relaxed when I was moving. In other words doing something physical and within that would not be in my head so much. I would (as an adrenaline junkie) always  be looking for something that required total physical attention and involved all my senses as much as possible.

Pedalling
The moment I got my first bicycle was an experience I can only compare with the energetics of falling in love. I had butterflies in my stomach. My character on a bike was like this little energetic turbine spinning as I learned to bike and pedal my way around. Within this and on my bike I created a lot of characters. I was a pilot, racer, cop, fireman, astronaut etc. My bike allowed me to become every character that had fast as an expression.

I enjoyed speed and G–forces and the first roller coaster ride in a theme park was a life changing experience. Back home I would try to recreate that experience of being on the roller–coaster on my bike. With time biking became effortless. I was flying around and covering distances that would take me hours to do on foot. Biking around the neighborhood on my bike made my world smaller.

I was on my bike more than on my feet and biking to me felt more 'natural' then walking. Then BMX hit the scene and as I saw the first image of a real BMX bike I was stunned. It took me about two hours to completely strip my bicycle from all the unnecessary parts down to it's bare essentials and I created the BMX character. From that moment on I started digging trails with the other boys in the neighborhood who also stripped their bikes and adopted a BMX character. We had our private little BMX track next to our house. The stage was set and we enjoyed the play of flowing through berms picking up speed doing switchbacks and jumping around. I realize that playing the BMX character on a bike allowed me to be in 'the zone' and feel in control of myself instead of being ruled by the fireworks in my head.

Biking was my stability point, and because it involved a lot of falling it was also a 'character builder'. A way to express myself and within that is the point of feeling more confident on the bike than of the bike=in character out of character=on drugs of drugs. Whatever I takes to cope with the world.
That soothing tiredness after the adrenaline rush. Endorphins as the morphine to hide myself from the confrontation with myself. When I started doing less sport I started smoking more pot. I never looked at it like this but it makes total sense to me now.

Within all extreme sports people talk about 'the zone'. It's a place where 'normal' people would step on the brakes. Were you think you loose control. Fear steps in and a shot of adrenaline comes to warn you you are 'officially' outside your comfort zone and about to die. This is where most people start screaming inside a roller coaster because their 'instinct/fear' tells them to get out of the situation.

Fear as a personal coach
I always enjoyed that moment where I saw the fear inside myself come up and was able to greet it with a smile. The edge of fear became like a familiar character and if one is with a familiar character one tends to be more relaxed. When I found myself doing something extreme (stupid) I was always aware of the warning lights and alarm bells going of. I always felt fear but I was able to keep it in the background like my personal coach thus creating the character of the personal coach within and as my fears.

Within the zone all those little voices in my head where silenced. Rare moments where my mind would shut up for a few moments like standing inside the eye of a hurricane. There are a lot of kids who would be on medicines right now if it wasn't for their skateboard, BMX bike or whatever adrenaline pump they have.

Gaining Confidence within the zone allowed me to go beyond what I thought where my fears and faster than 'the competition'. That created the character of a winner and over time within that I created the adrenaline Junkie and extreme sports character. When I see interviews with guys from the xtreme sports community (they are mostly guys), I cant help but see the same characteristics coming from the same kind of script. Huge amounts of bravado, testosterone and a good skill set.

My thingie
I always had a fascination for extreme sports. Every opportunity I got to do something extreme I took no questions asked. As an adolescent they could have strapped me to a rocket unable to wipe the smile of my face. Looking back also within my family it makes sense. I identified myself utterly with characters of bravado, courage, fearlessness and speed. That whole thing they call extreme sports including the after party characters that belong to the scene.

Whatever we call ourselves within the activity or sports we practice in the end It's all competition and no one wants to be last. The place I compete is where I give my ego the 'all you can eat experience'. It's being with the monkeys screaming in the trees.

Sport could be so much more within and as a physical release and that's why I try to write some words down because I think that sport should be about physical expression without any form of competition or ratings and within that we will inevitably com across the money point.

I had to drive around and train on a piece of junk for years before I sold all my lego and got my first 15 kilo BMX bike that took a lot of leg to get moving. My adrenaline Junkie character spited (rich) kids and at the same time drooled over the bikes they had. Bikes that where 7-8 times more expensive than the little monster I drove around. The only status I could press out of my character was in the driving I did. I could only make sure I was fast and fearless. When I meet people I haven't seen for a while they mostly remember me as that character. Biking has always been my stability point and thus Achilles heel. No biking meant becoming unstable.

Recap
So within me is the character as the biker as confidence. Within doing extreme sports the adrenaline junkie character gave me the experience of success that I was not able to give myself in school, relationships, etc. Eventually this extreme sports character took the main stage on my world stage. Where I always had to push things over the limit. Where I always had the last say in things and provoked people in order to hide my own insecurity. It's why I pulled towards people that where a bit of center. Crazy ones, eccentrics, outcasts and underdogs. That's why I never was a successful athlete. I trained like one but lacked the ambition and discipline to compete every weekend and I feared the so called real athletes because I couldnt quite grasp where they where coming from. Apparently it was not my starting point to compete as an athlete and at the same time I enjoyed racing other guys in competition. I have been in competition with myself until I discovered within self honesty that I will eventually always be my own competitor like a dog chasing it's tail. Eventually the Mount everest will have an elevator and climbers will realize that you might as well cross the Sahara backwards. Eventually it's a biggest dick contest like all competition.

I created a character and with that came an addiction and as with all addictions I needed more drugs killing myself in the process. I wanted to beat myself which is impossible. I can only deprogram myself and that starts by killing my characters. It's funny to see that sports is actually more fun if there is no competitive character involved because it will become expression of self movement and within that I have to become intimate with myself. A point I have not yet fully embraced so an opportunity to observe myself as I slowly detox and deprogram the extreme sports character and allow self intimacy to step forth.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become completely possessed within and as the adrenaline Junkie

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for creating a competitive and fanatical character within and as the adrenaline junkie?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that I really enjoyed myself climbing as a child physically expressing myself within the experience of gravity and being suspended moving forward, back, left, right an also up and down without competitiveness and within that I forgive myself that I didn't see realize understand that this is my physical expression without the self-destructive competitive component, within that I see that I have created competition as the winner looser within thus allowing it to exist without.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and live the character of the dreamer allowing myself to isolate myself from others and within this I forgive myself for allowing myself to create the voices in my head as excuses to always have more 'important' things to do within and as the isolated character of the dreamer hypnotizing/identifying myself with the fireworks as my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I had no words to describe what was going on with me as a child where I generated so much energy and within that making it impossible to sit still and within that creating the external physical manifestation of restlessness not seeing realizing and understanding that my lack of vocabulary did not allow me to effectively communicate what was going on inside me within that I see and realize that I was creating a lot of tension creating a spring, always ready to spring into action thus creating a character of tension

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify and copy iconic and heroic characters not seeing realizing and understanding that by copying characters I am only creating more characters eventually loosing all sense of self and within that I forgive myself for abusing my physical body for competition like a race horse for sake of playing competitive characters

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that playing the BMX character on a bike allowing myself to be in 'the zone' and feel in control of myself was simply a distraction like all distractions where I would use the zone as a distraction/drug to experience myself for a short moment without the fireworks in my head and within that not realizing that this short meditation would not take away the point I was trying to escape within that I see I was already creating the basic construct for all addictions that followed later

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see falling of my bike abusing my physical body in the process as a character builder and within that I forgive myself for creating the character of the tough guy allowing myself to connect being on a bike to confidence thus creating on the bike=in character/of the bike=out of character and within that creating the basic impulse of using characters to deal with my internal turmoil instead of trusting the physical as breath as me here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to feel good endorphins created by exposing myself to physical and mental stress and within that abusing my physical body in the process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become depressed because I couldn't compete because of injuries inflected on myself by pushing myself over the limit and within that I forgive myself for not taking self responsibility for my own actions as the extreme sports character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel superior to others within the point of fearlessness within and as the extreme sports character being able to control my fears and project fearlessness as a distraction to hide my insecurities

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and others as lonely insecure guys overcompensating with huge amounts of bravado, testosterone and good skills within and as adrenaline junkies

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to I identify myself with the image and mentality of all-round sportsmanship, courage, fearlessness, speed that is called extreme sports including the after party characters that belong to the scene within and as image, looks, clothing, music, brands, and use of words

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compete in sports in order to give my ego the 'all you can eat experience' trough participating in competition with the soul purpose of winning at the cost of others

2012 are you chosen?

12 21 12, 2012, 21 december 12, dec 12 2012, december 12 2011, december 12 doomsday, december 21 2012.

What's The Frequency Kenneth?
What do others say about 2012? What does the bible say about 2012? What can I say about 2012? As far as I’m concerned 2012 is one year. A point in space and time. A fraction of space-time. Funny, the Germans call the universe ‘Weltall’. The world and all. The dutch say ‘Heelal’-Heal all-Hell-all-All hell. English is interesting too, ‘Universe’. Uni-verse! Lot’s of universal verses. Interesting. I ‘prefer’ the German definition ‘Welt-all’. Kind of includes everything.

Losing My Religion
There are a few among us that believe the world is coming to an end. That’s a bit out of the ‘ordinary’. I calm myself knowing that my world will end every night when I close my eyes and go to sleep. Where am I when I sleep? And where am I when I wake up? As long as I can remember my world ended every night and was there again the next morning. How is that for strange?

Shiny happy people
I’m in the process of stopping my mind for little more than a year. Someone asked me if it made me happy? Is it 'working'? Does it 'help' me? Does it 'make' me a 'better' person? In other words what do I get in return for my efforts or investments. Yes, the shit runs deep. Happiness, the second largest religion in the world.

A lot of things changed for me in 2012. A lot of things stayed firmly in place. This process is absolutely not what I expected it to be and it's not a cheery, joyful experience so far. It's a nightmare to wake up too oneself within this world. It’s an experience however and that means there are things I can share that could benefit others who are having trouble with the current outflow of events as we enter 2012. Yeah, that biblical event where time is supposed to end and the chosen ones go to heaven to drink champaign. Duh, I thought we where all born in sinn. So everybody stays here. No jumping in front of the train now, we are all going to be in this shit together. We are all future neighbours. What did Jezus say again?

Wall Of Death 
I’m 43 and kids start to call me an old man. Being an old man comes with a few issues. So when I started this process of stopping my mind those 'old man' issues became quite prominent. What the fuck did I do all those years. Where the fuck was I? What the fuck was I thinking? What the fuck? This whole process started with one simple question someone asked me. "Where are you?" Investigating myself started with that simple point of being-here. W-here is the being? I couldn’t answer that question and from that moment on my life has changed dramatically. Changing myself is much harder than my mind makes me think because my mind doesn’t want me to change. My DNA likes to have things running according to plan. That's the 'hard-bit'.

One point I begin to see in more detail is the personality I have developed over time. And it’s interesting because this morning I remembered that a teacher teased me by calling me a donkey in school so the kids started to call me that as well. ‘Donkey’ because I probably fucked up a lot in primary school (apparently donkeys do that). Being called a donkey as a child was not a nice experience and it was one of those experiences where I became aware of myself as different from the point of inferiority.

It’s all quite funny because from the current perspective as what I have become as a personality the comparison to a donkey makes total sense. I accepted and allowed myself to become a stubborn, noisy and sedentary persona. Try to get me from my place against my will and all hell brakes loose and just like an old donkey, I’m good at carrying a load and look pitiful doing so.

Automatic For The People
One of the first things I became aware of after I started this blog where my habits. My whole being and I mean everything of me consisting of these patterns merging into my behavior as me as this personality or persona as you will. Having a specific preference for every little thing I do, think or feel. From the way I drink my coffee up to the way I wipe my ass. I started to see that the oldest habits I have are also the most fossilized. There is no real me. It’s all constructed in real time like a wireframe pixar movie. Reading the Desteni material made me realize that I was only defining myself through words, emotions and feelings that come straight from my surroundings. I'm not those fucking words am I? Here! I am starting to observe myself as my own prisoner within what I think feel or say. I'm fucking screwed by creation. WTF! Yes this kind of shit is shocking and I got really fucking angry. At first I was only aware of my so called ‘bad habits’. A complete morality fuckup. Bad habits are also habits so let's start from scratch here.

The One I Love 
Smoking followed by smoking weed are my oldest habits. So if I wanted to really push and test myself those where the key areas to start breaking my habits. I stopped smoking weed almost a year ago. I smoked weed for more than 20 years. I quit smoking about 7 weeks ago. I started smoking when I was about sixteen so that makes smoking a 27 year old daily habit. The strange thing with stopping is that it’s not hard at all. You just stop and that’s it. The hard part is the hard-bit, the habit. It’s simple and at the same time unexplainable up to the point I just freak out, lock up or start to fuck with myself (which happens frequently). It’s like stopping programs that keep rebooting themselves again and again. A very annoying process but I cant blame or be angry with the programs. I wrote them myself meaning I'm responsible. That’s how I see it. Dissolving the after effects of stopping is a different chapter that has to do with taking self-responsibility and guilt. More on that as I go along and overcome points of shame and embarrassment while sharing my life here.


Everybody Hurts 
Now stopping addictions sounds simple. What makes it hard? The moment I stop one habit (robot-program-system-mechanism) the whole carefully built production-line starts to protest and make noise. So that one habit is always connected to another habit or point. Habits have really big families! It’s fascinating and painful at the same time. For me stopping those habits felt like relationships that ended. In fact that's exactly what it is. How I relate to things are relationships. I had a relationship with weed. I was in love with it. She eased my pain. She was always there. Never complained. Made me laugh. Satisfied my needs. Told me not to worry and that I was okay. She made me feel so good and also sick sometimes. And yes I broke up with her for good and that hurt like hell. Everything started to shift and tilt. That whole point with me attached to it has to be repositioned. Just like all those other relationships. It’s mental as well as physical up to this day.

The saying “you need backbone to stand to a decision” That’s the physical point I’m most aware of. My spine. It has not stopped moving since I started this process. At the moment it’s very painful. The whole thing is pulling me in all directions and I'm very tired because of it.

Turn You Inside-Out
Stopping weed and smoking shows me another perspective that’s fascinating. I’m not judging my smoking or weed consumption anymore. The substance is not the point. ‘What’s in it for me?’ that’s the starting point. It’s that. If I want to know why I smoke I just look at the effect smoking has on me and why. My habits are handlebars, hiding places, escape hatches, social credit cards, ice breakers, common ground, stability points to survive as this persona I have become. A persona that has become almost to demented and automated too change. I’m within a world system that functions exactly the same. Braking my habits makes me feel 'the rupture' in the fabric that connects me to the system. That's my end of the world. What can I say, It’s as painful as it is fascinating to see what I made of myself. It’s also pretty scary at times. The only realization that calms me down is the realization that no matter how bad the nightmare, reality will be worse.

Stand
Applying the Desteni material  is not a walk in the park. Desteni is not a gathering of people padding each other on the back for being ‘good citizens’. Exposing the true nature of oneself and each-other is a confronting and sometimes painful process. There is a lot of resistance within me because of that. Sometimes it seems impossible to move, that's where 2012 comes in. The more people move the easier it gets. Humanity doesn’t like Destonians because they are everything the world is not at the moment. Why is it so hard for me to stand with and as a principle of oneness and equality. To do whatever it takes to bring life back to this earth?

Because it requires changing myself as the physical. With physical proof showing you that even old men can stop shit and that change is possible. We don’t need hope, we change through changing and that takes fucking time and effort. Move with us and support an equal money system.

Desteni is the only group of people in the world I see that take life seriously enough to take everything into consideration. The only way we can change this world is by changing ourselves one by one until all = one. Equal money is the tool to get this done. Time is ticking. Will I break the habit that is me? Will I be here eventually?

The deadliest bullet ever made

12 21 12, 2012, 21 december 12, dec 12 2012, deceber 12 2011, december 12 doomsday, december 21 2012.

I came across this picture and it stopped me in my tracks. What a fascinating picture it is. Who is that rich man? Does he have a name? How did he get rich? Why is he fighting a war? What are his mission objectives? Who is he paying? What party’s are involved and do they have rules of engagement? Is it a dirty war? A clean war? What’s in it for him? Does it fucking matter?

If I where a rich man?
Men that experienced the horrors of war realising that they where killing for money. A demonstration and a claim that says “we won't fight a another rich man’s war”. Which means they already did. So there you go. It’s already done. You killed in order not to be killed for money. Why not refuse before you go and kill for money? Be it in the name of God, country, turf or home. What makes people kill other people for money? Money apparently! So is it the rich man or his money?

There have been demonstrations fore/or against every thinkable subject. Did something change? And if something changed was it best for all? After the war, did some group get special benefits at the cost of other groups giving them a reason to go demonstrate? It’s like a never ending chain of events that creates reasons to demonstrate and go to war. It’s painfully pathetic and it’s us!

Serving the God of war
We are created in the image and likeness of God. We are the creators. Why didn’t we create peace I ask? What’s going on here? Or is God perhaps that rich man? If we are created in the image and likeness of him than he sure loves making money and killing a few innocent in the process. If there is one demonstration that shows us who we are it’s the demonstration of war. It’s seems to be the only thing we really know how to do well. Fighting wars seems to be the only thing we all love to do. Cowboys and indians. Bang-Bang.. You're dead.

Do you know what powers rule this world? Do you know what really fuels the acts of war? Have you ever asked yourself those questions before you wrote a claim and walked up to the White House and occupied the boardwalk. Making claims in front of the media. It's exactly what they want. Ha, the media... They love a 'good' war don’t they...

Brothers in arms
This is an interesting photo in more ways than one. It shows me the absolute state of stupidity in which we as the human race exist at the moment. How much do I have to pay you to stand up for a world where we are all equal? If I’m not in it to win it than fuck it. Really want to know what fuels the wars in this world? Do you really? It’s about Private wars. It’s about you and me. It’s love thy neighbour as thy self. Do we? War exists because we allow it to exist. All of us. It’s the concept of winning. To profit at the cost of others. It’s me being more than you. My people instead of all people. It’s Ego.

Private war
It’s my Ego and his private war that fuel the global ones. Me and you both fighting for survival instead of standing up as one and equal. No, we rather meet somewhere in the world as competitors on the battlefield. See how stupid it is. Occupy my street, wall street, whatever street. Absolute nonsense. As long as money isn’t equal, you and me are not equal and there will be war. Lot’s of wars, big ones, small ones until we realise who we have become. Is that the way I wanna go? Shot by a bullet for profit or standing as what’s best for all?

The solution
So It’s you and me that decide what is going to happen. It’s us that have to stand up and stick to a principle in order to become living examples that show there is another way. I change in order to be change. A real demonstration is a demonstration of personal change as who I am standing up as change within a world that has to change. I dare you to ask questions. I dare you to look at Equal Money. It will make you pee your pans.

Do we go to war and rape each-other or are we going to give in order to receive?

http://equalmoney.org/

Apple introduces the iCon

(from Thesaurus)
When it comes to representing or embodying the invisible or intangible, you can't beat a symbol. It applies to anything that serves as an outward sign of something immaterial or spiritual (the cross as a symbol of salvation; the crown as a symbol of monarchy), although the association between the symbol and what it represents does not have to be based on tradition or convention and may, in fact, be quite arbitrary (the annual gathering at the cemetery became a symbol of the family's long and tragic history). 


Hello I’m a Computer that uses a Mac
I’ve been a user of Apple products for more then Twenty years. I also worked and still work in the field of communication/advertising. A different story in itself. In the early days Apple products where aimed at people like me. I fit their original profile exactly. “Don’t let technology interfere with creativity”. I remember the first computers that came onto the market. The old Sinclair, ZX Spectrum, Atari’s and Commodore’s. I had friends and within my family there where people playing around with them. They all learned coding and as a result most of them got very good jobs later in life. For me it was different because I thought differently. I’m a think different guy remember. Lines of code where not my cup of tea. Lot's of code on a screen made my eyes go bananas. Couldn't focus on a line of code longer than 10 seconds. Still have that when I look at large Excel sheets. It all starts to move and makes me feel epileptic. Words that give meaning and value to other words to order those other words to do things. I run into the same resistance when reading Desteni material. It's clean code. As pure as it get's and I just feel my mind resisting this pure code. It leaves no room for interpretation. It's kind of the Unix versus Basic equation. So I hated computers and the way they worked in those days. I couldn’t find any practical application for them in my life except playing games on them. Oh how I loved to play games and have fun. We are talking early eighties here. I had so much fun playing those first games on computers. Little did I know about the great role those stupid calculators would play in my life.

Around 1993 there was a buzz going through art school. The old typesetting machines would be replaced by computers. Apple computers. Computers you could operate with a ‘mouse’. Sounds strange but up to that moment the whole world was staring at blue or green computer screens that presented text. Code served by the DOS or pro DOS operating system. I was very curious because it was told that these computers would have a GUI. So no more blue screen but icons a desktop and graphically displayed tools you could use with that ‘mouse’ thing that had a button on top.

Up to then nearly all graphic work was done by hand. Creating lay outs was literally what the words imply. Laying it out. Reproducing the image with a camera. Dividing the image into dots through screening. Very labour intensive. It was a craft you really had to learn and It took time to learn because motor skills where needed. I should state that I have developed a very impatient personality over the years. The moment I sat behind that strange little cube called a Macintosh and my hand touched that mouse for the first time a strange thing happened. I became energized. There is no other description because that’s exactly what happened. Within one hour I realized hands on what would normally take days appeared in front of my eyes within minutes. And I was just fooling around with that thing called a Mac. I fell in love with this tool. I knew that I found a way to get my ideas out fast. So I loved it. The sounds it made, the shape, the smell even the bugs where kind of charming. That first little Mac was the tool that erased a lot of limitations for me. It became my little friend that helped me. I just wanted to be creative with it. Create pictures visualize stuff. Get the stuff in my head out. The Mac allowed me to do this even though it was a 7” BW screen with 256 shades of grey. Typefaces where there immediately. I didn’t have to draw them out first. Which normally took hours to do. Pictures could be scanned and where in my layouts within minutes. I was behind that thing every night in school. Learning the programs although I wasn’t allowed to do so.

Apple was a company with a strange twist. I don’t have to read Steve Jobs biography to know what the man is about. I’ve used his ideas hands on for more than twenty years. And yes brilliant. He knew my brain better than I did. And this came through when I used the Mac. A very strange relationship developed between me and the Jobs Machines. The Mac had and still has Steve Jobs written into it's source code and I have used that code everyday for the biggest part of my life. I interacted and spent more Time with Macs than with people and in comparison to people my relationships with Macs where generally more stable.

Being the first generation to use this stuff meant doing a lot of pioneering without even being aware of it. I spend so much time on getting to know this Machine. So I got a ‘feel’ for it. I can tell you hands on that every Macintosh model had a character. A smell, behavior. There where little noises or glimpses that told me to shut down and restart before the thing locked up. Lot’s of thingies that made working with Macs similar to working with things that are ‘alive’. It sounds completely stupid but that’s my experience. Every Mac had a character.

After I bought My first Mac LC I had an important insight. It might sound stupid again but the Mac showed me the concept of 'structure'. A way to organize and layer information. In time there is a always a starting point. A top folder. Using the hierarchy of a desktop, folders, documents and trash can showed me the way I organized my work. I was very chaotic back then so my own way of working was always in front of me. If I was sloppy the folder (directory) structure would be sloppy. If I organized and categorized everything became faster. So just by using this thing. This Box. This concept. I saw things my parents and teachers where unable to get into my head.

And now the interesting part. Apple had no competition. The best fucking computer in the world and not even a 2-3% market share because the thing cost more than an average car. There was nothing in the world you could buy at that time that did what a Mac did until Microsoft ripped it and introduced it’s first version of Windows which was a disaster. That’s when that whole Apple Microsoft thing hit the scene. Nevertheless I was a power user. I knew my game and people knew I did. I got my first job because I was able to use a Mac the way I did.

So although HP claimed that the PC's where personal again they never where to me. My Mac was personal I couldn’t work with PC’s. Not because they didn’t work (they would sometimes) but because it triggered a physical reaction. The few times I was behind a pc I cramped up and became crumpy. It felt like being with someone and somehow your not on the same page every page. I never asked myself the question why? Why am I emotionally involved with this Machine. But it was not the Machine. It was Steve Jobs (reality distortion field) cleverly hiding inside the iCon that a Mac was. Steve was manipulating me through the use of his product.

 I remember tipping my boss to buy Apple shares a few months before the first iMac was released. Apple Shares where around 6 dollar! The company was on life support. My boss didn't buy those shares. I remember thinking what would happen if the Mac disappeared from my life. It kind of made me panic. But the iMac was released and Apple did what Steve set out to do. People who had shares became wealthy. Bill Gates was one of them.

Apple has become mainstream and they have more money stocked than the united states government. That says it all. Steve Jobs designed an iCon and programmed it after his own image. He sold this iCon to people like me that are more or less handicapped in a way. Call it the ‘Rightbrainers’. Jobs saw the huge potential here. And he was right. It took some cornering but he got it done. Things we create are created in our image and likeness. We are the creators. Look at the world we live in. It’s all created. Jobs created jobs through creating for creators. It’s a strange thing to ponder on because in the big picture it’s commercial perfection. Unfortunately for Steve's legacy we can only consume at the cost of others. This elitist aspect was present in the first Mac and it will be present in the latest iPhone. Symbols of success for people that have it all.

Steve Jobs is considered an icon. He's exactly that. He knew what he was creating including himself. A symbol in a world of iCons we relate to and build our lives on. Nevertheless it’s a con. A convict, a swindle that fooled us all. Part of the process of acceleration. What's in it for me? Turnaround, ROI. In the end it’s all the same. Product to consumer, consuming. The con in consumerism. People die because I want an iPhone. This has to stop.

If there is one company that could make a computer that lasts at least a lifetime just to prove that it’s not about things getting obsolete simply because they have to brake it's Apple. It's about perfection. They should at least show this possibility to the world. There is no need for products to be replaced every 3 years. It’s total bullshit that can only exist because of us accepting and allowing this to be so. Apple could show the world that it’s possible to have tools that are products no more. A pure expression of timeless engineering as an example for a future that includes everyone equal including the tools we use.

Oh and one more thing... Let's have Steve on stage to comment on this.