Day-019-Save me and then leave me alone

Another month has expired. A period where I had to face myself as resistance. Being with myself and experiencing myself as a little child that does not wan't to move what-so-ever. I needed a kick in the ass. Or maybe a freight train. Anyway I want to thank a certain someone for the booty.

What is the main point here? What is it i'm looking at? First off I do not sit with myself and take the time to really look at what is going on in my life from the perspective of cause and effect. How do I experience myself after a days work? Who am I within the nitty gritty of my behavior at the end of a day? What where those mood swings about today? Why is it so hard to come to that point where I sit with myself and look at the reactions, emotions, feelings I had during a day?

Let's face it who voluntarily does shit like that after a hard days work? Only those freaks at Desteni. Am I one of them? I just want to crash like I always did. The way I programmed myself during the last twenty or so years working 09.00-19.00. After that It's my fucking time now leave me the fuck alone (yes i'm talking to myself here). All I want to do if I have done as little as possible is go home and relax. Take my mind of the daily which is this fucked up reality. SO here I look at my basic program I developed over the past twenty or so years. Ending up on the couch smoking pot.

Stopping cigarettes and weed gave me perspective on what it means to become a habit instead of looking at one. I'm looking at habits that are part of personalities that I have designed over time within and as the mind. All accepted and allowed by me the director to be part of who I am.

It's quite a 'little' fuckup i'm looking at and it is up to me to take responsibility for cleaning out my closet. I see that no one will do it for me. I have been depressed enough to see that that is a mechanism within me. I have used it as a child to manipulate and get things my way. It is part of my persona. I have used it within my relationships and I'm still using it. Fuck it up as the easy way so I don't have to do it the hard way and go through that point of resistance to succeed.

At one given time we have all pretended to be sick in order to stay in bed that extra day in order to stay out of school. It's interesting to look at being self employed from that perspective because when I don't move myself everything stops because the money will stop. I'm completely self responsible for what I do in that area. It's all my creation and there's no one to blame but me (I hate that lol).

Within this I see myself and often a break or a pause will immediately trigger guilt. As If I have to be doing something al the time. Subsequently I see myself struggle with pushing myself within these moments where I have to take time to sit with myself and write myself out to get perspective and clarity.

I can see the bullshit because in the end I'm looking for distractions away from facing myself within who I am within this moment within reality because that is me within my physical actions (and that is not a pretty picture). I see myself come home doing all sorts of things (that also have to be done) but sitting with myself and writing out my day is always last on my list which makes it a low priority.

I experience a huge resistance toward taking myself seriously. To look at who I really am within my own experience as I walk myself through daily life. Observing myself and my actions and putting that shit down in front of me. It has the same feel as dragging myself to school as a kid. OK the resistance is huge let me leave it there.

I will myself to take this point by the balls. If I want to change this than that can only come from doing so. Moving important things to the bottom of my list means I make them unimportant and so I find myself doing them late in the evening and that simply does not work. The whole mechanism is one of 'self sabotage'. OK. There it is.

So if the resistance is huge than I must have a lot to hide from myself. Another reason for me to avoid the investigation. The point that came up this week and I saw it very clearly is that I'm utterly and completely addicted to sabotaging myself. I'm refusing to accept that I'm of mind and the mind is a program that does NOT want to change. I can only influence this process through deprogramming which is physical action as writing so here I am trying to restart my process.

Interesting word  'Influence' (influenza) = insert a virus = genetically alter myself lol

Within my process = daily life I take myself way to serious and I take everything personal as the mind and that will trigger personalities that have relationships with others and it will influence the way others perceive 'me' and my interactions. Most of the time I cannot see this while I'm participating within those relationships because my reactions are so automated. I will myself to breath and observe myself. It's when I have to process a lot of information simultaneously that I often find myself in the middle of a possession unable to stop participating as a certain character. And that's why I have to write this shit out. Writing that shit out means becoming intimate with myself which brings me full circle. It can only be that point. I fear self intimacy. I fear that point. I avoid that point.

More to come

Day-014-Mad Mike as 'the adrenaline Junkie'

This is a follow up to:
Day-013-My Adrenaline Junkie character

In my last post I wrote about myself as the adrenaline Junkie. Within that I stated that the adrenaline junkie character gave me the experience of success. An experience I was not able to perceive as myself as such socially. Meaning in school, relationships, etc. What is my definition of success within and as this character of the adrenaline junkie and does this imply I defined other characters as losers? Was that adrenaline Junkie character a disguise to hide the character of a shy over sensitive kid? Why hide? How did I define success in the first place?


Success by dictionary definition: 
Accomplishing an aim or purpose.
Having achieved popularity, profit, or distinction: a successful actor.


Aim or purpose. A robot serving the master. Achieving popularity and then profit  lol. Yeah actors alright…

So as the Adrenaline Junkie, I was successful within sports I practiced. I trained a lot, I trained hard and I knew that in order to increase performance I had to step it up every time all the time. Within that I realized that stepping it up meant being out of my comfort zone regularly. It meant pushing and often push beyond the limits in order to find out what the limits were.

Being on and sometimes over the limit and becoming comfortable in that zone is a great confidence/character builder. At the same time I enjoyed myself racing and flying around as I slowly gathered experience in a playful way. Within that I see, realize and understand that I was able to apply myself because I also enjoyed myself. The more finesse I got the more I enjoyed myself the more I developed those characters.

What I remember well was the difference between playing around and train with trainers. Having support and be able to mirror what I was doing and within that I also allowed to push myself. It's because of that I can also see that a buddy system can speed things up significantly. At first there was permanent pain as I started to train. Sometimes I trained so hard I couldn't walk as I got home. I didn't complain because when you train there will be pain. No pain no gain. Interesting point to do a post on.

The more I trained the more I improved the more I conditioned myself the faster these pains would disappear and after a few years the whole experience of my body had changed. It was amazing to be able to train till my eyeballs popped and have my muscles on fire and go to school the next day with just this slight heaviness in my legs. I became 'strong' and sturdy. This was also the time I got interested in girls. Apparently girls liked strong and sturdy although I was not fully aware of it at the time. There was definitively a 'conscious' relationship I developed with my body. I felt very confident with my body.

Confidence as confide within the the 'I' of my ego as the strong and confident winner. Not seeing realizing and understanding 'I' conned myself and within that is the point of creating Icons as characters of success within and as me.

Sometimes I was amazed and surprised by what my body could do and more training meant less thinking. Less thinking meant relaxation hence the addiction. Having reflexes trained into the body, having a body that knows what to do and when to do it was such a cool realization and experience. That also showed me that fear was always me as the mind as projections, "what if I blow a tire", what if the rope brakes", what if the weather changes", " what if the boat sinks". It's these seemingly simple thoughts that fucked me up. Fear had nothing to do with my physical abilities. That was a realization I used a lot when I did visualizations to get over/push trough fears. There is always that first jump and it makes no sense to visualize a crash. Better start by visualizing a perfect jump. This worked!

One would expect me to use these insights in other aspects of my life as well but I didn't. Why? Other aspects of my life I did not enjoy. I did not enjoy being in school. Sitting on a chair with a body that only wants to move is pure torture. I did not enjoy learning. I did not enjoy social activities unless they where physical. At one point I was psychologically tested but they couldn't find anything out of the 'ordinary' except my ability to concentrate was below average. At the same time stuff I did as the 'adrenaline junkie' required utmost focus and concentration lol. All that bullshit made no sense to me. Within this is my "It has to be fun character". I other aspects of life I didn't push myself as hard as I did within sports and physical labour.

We always think we will be more successful than our parents who where thinking the same thing. That's what I thought. I was convinced I would be. So there is no authority and we don't have a clue. It's still strange to sit here writing this shit down seeing that as children we have all looked beyond the veil and at the same time there was nothing we could do. Exactly like our parents. What choices does a child have besides going crazy or suppress the whole thing and merge with the fuckup called success? What's the difference anyway? If I don't brake the pattern no one will.

My bike was my escape and I spend almost all my free time on my bike or doing other physical stuff. What I did not realize and what was never explained to me until I found the Desteni material, was my place in the system and how that system functions and operates. All I knew was that I hated everything that had authority written over it. Authority was my red flag. I would permanently question it, scramble it, be in it's way, spite it, be angry with it, test it, provoke it or feel victimized by it. I also saw that the system was real. I have always had that feeling of 'not being alone'. What I did not realize was that it was not god or some deity but my physical body that was always there. All that time I did not realize how I was fucking myself out of the system and into oblivion.

So there is the 'adrenaline junkie' character and it's behavior that created an experience of success within and as that character. There is the realization that I did not perceive myself to be successful in school, relationships and social behavior in general. Within that I see that every response/reaction I ever had created another character. Within this construct characters of success where created so characters of failure had to come into existence as well. I see realize and understand that within all my actions I created this polarity. If I create success I create failure as well. Some sweetness has to be added to compensate the bitterness. And within that polarity I generate heaps of energy, amongst others as the Adrenaline Junkie. Within that I see that it starts with slowing down and stopping creation and allow myself to be here!

I didn't create characters of success within and as a 'normal' boyfriend, classmate, guy next door etc.. because I already had those relationship experiences within my sport hence my body so what's the use? Whatever it was It had to be something 'special' and 'exclusive' at least as good as the 'adrenaline' experience. Nothing can do that except 'sex' hence… Within that I realize that I reacted to my reality reentering = reenacting, creating, acts as a chain of events that where all characters that ended up in relationships based on sex or at least a strong 'physical component'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect sex to my character of the adrenaline junkie thus introducing/infusing the junkie as a character within and as my sexual expression as well

Eventually it all leads back to the first character, my first ever response to failure or being unsuccessful. The whole thing looks like a snowball made of characters that failed rolling back in time getting bigger and bigger.

So why did I not feel comfortable within groups? Why did I consider myself to be unsuccessful socially? I met women who where girls from my past who told me they where madly in love with me back then and I couldn't believe my ears. I always thought that girls considered me to be a total freak back then. Within that I see that I must have had a very distorted view on my environment and girls in particular. So why where other kids more adaptable to the structure and why do I judge myself as a junkie within the point of wanting to escape reality? Where is my reality check?

Apparently I did not develop characters that functioned well within 'normal' social groups. Groups that need characters able to compromise, adept and process information within the script. No place for improv. Within that I see that I have always typecasted myself. I accepted, allowed and wanted to develop outlaw characters because outlaws are loners. I thought that I had to become completely independent.

Outlaws don't live happy lives. Outlaws are on the run with a trusty steed, a bag of one–liners and a gun to do the talking. They have sex but no attachments. They enjoy the good times in their own time. They live of the land and see the hand of 'god' in a grain of sand. They are homophobic but love their brothers in arms to death. Rough around the edges but romantics. They die for a higher cause not knowing what that is exactly. It makes no sense to them to have a family. Outlaws sacrifice everything to be 'free', whatever that is. They are the solitary samurai. Himalayan Yogis freezing their buts of. etc etc. Those kind of characters are my kind of characters. The ones 'I'-dentified with. They occupy me. Total character endorsement became my mind fuck. Who's typing here?

So within that I can see the point. I did not allow myself to become a successful character in a successful group/pact/act because I had created a herd of characters that spited success and within that my herd was exclusive special and unique. We were more than all that. The 'I am unique' character. What I did not see was that to become successful in a certain space and time is related to adaptability to group dynamics and culture, cult–us. The ability to read the scriptures and adept to the script as all the acts? I did the opposite (a lot).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become an adrenaline junkie

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become competitive and within that enjoy the sweet taste of success as the winner at the cost of the loser feeling depressed, seeing realizing and understanding that by becoming competitive I create the construct of winners and losers as the this system of haves and have nots thus keeping the system in place within that seeing realizing and understanding that if I don't change my physical actions towards actions that are in the best interest of all no thing will change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect confidence and power to being successful and competitive and within that allowing myself to connect enjoyment to being successful and competitive thus creating a construct of addiction to adrenaline within and as competition and success as the only way to enjoy/express myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to the experience of 'joy' within and as the effects of adrenaline and it's family of endorphins as the painkillers of my life as my religion within that realizing that adrenaline became the only substance I relied-on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think pain is nothing more than a electric warning signal within and as the nervous system not seeing realizing and understanding that pain has multiple dimensions within and as the physical body

I commit myself to investigate pain in all it's manifestations and find ways to dissolve pain as I walk this process 'of pain' seeing realizing and understanding that if I understand pain I can help myself dissolve it and if

I can do it others will to within that I commit myself to investigate into the nitty gritty why and how I allowed pain 'as my mind' to take control and enslave my physical body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the 'no pain no gain' family mantra the story of my life not seeing realizing and understanding that that created a chain of events where I physically harmed myself repeatedly and within that I did allow myself to hurt myself and others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project the 'no pain no gain' mantra unto my own child seeing realizing and understanding that I did this without a clear perspective on the point thus programming the same construct into my own child thus instead of removing it, reinstalling it, keeping it allive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify, copy and use other characters of extreme sport performers in order to create the same energetic reactions so I could feel charged and thus become even more addicted within the process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect confidence to a strong body and fitness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the formula of success is universal and can thus be applied universally and within that I see realize and understand that by not gifting myself the physical action of this universal formula within all aspects of my life became actually self sabotage within and as minimal progression within the point of success within and as the system as financial success.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to generate resistance towards education and theoretical studies in general accepting and allowing myself to think/believe I was not good and only had creative and physical talents and within that feed the character as the adrenaline Junkie creating energy, the food to feed the flames within and as the addiction to adrenaline

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/think/believe my life has to be fun every time all the time and within that allowed myself to go into the negative as the addiction to energy/adrenaline the moment things do not go 'my way'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry with my parents because they did not confront me within and as the adrenaline junkie offering support and showing me as the child what it was I was doing not seeing realizing and understanding that they were just as brainwashed as I am within this point thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take self responsibility within this point of becoming addicted to adrenaline

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see realize and understand what it means to be successful and within that to apply the power of self discipline as self corrective action and application because success also means succeeding and within that I see realize and understand that in order to be successful I have to succeed first.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the polarity of success and failure and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect success to money and power and failure to being poor and helpless, seeing realizing and understanding that within this I can only create more friction as I move between and create more polarities

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I cannot be successful and at the same time operate outside the system because the system is who I am within and as the system based on energy as profit and loss thus to know the system and operate within and according to the system changing it from the inside is the only way 'I' can become successful within and as the system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am more or could be more than the system seeing realizing and understanding that who I am is of the mind within and as the system and within this I realize that when and as I play a character I'm of the system instead of self directive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to come to the conclusion that I would have to do it alone and instead of doing it alone went into the polarity of becoming completely dependent on other people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that no matter how crazy I was the world would always be more crazy and within that did not allow myself to ever consider something outside of myself would be able to show me otherwise which proved to be untrue because when I started reading the Desteni material it became absolutely clear to me what I have accepted and allowed myself to become and the only way to get to the bottom of myself is starting to forgive myself and deprogram the program I have created by applying myself within this world within and as the physical self corrections I give myself

Day-013-My Adrenaline Junkie character

I was having a conversation with someone and he said he observed periods in my life where I would only talk about biking. Whatever the conversation was about I would somehow bend it and bring it back to biking. Within this I see that I have always allowed myself to become completely possessed within hobbies or sports. Who am I as this competitive and fanatical character? How did I build that character and why?

As a child I spend a lot of time outside. Specifically in or around trees. I loved climbing as long as I can remember. Looking back and seeing myself as a child climbing trees I see that I really enjoyed climbing. I see myself enjoying the way it involved all my senses, moving forward, back, left, right an also up and down which added another dimension. Then there was the experience of gravity and being suspended.


Speed
I also loved speed. And looking at my family I can see why. My father and his brothers are al post war children that grew up in a period that was all about 'the war'. Fighter pilots, spitfires, speed and espionage! I grew up with these stories about the second world war and all the technology involved. Most books I was reading as a little boy where about these subjects and I lived a lively fantasy with all these pictures. War and everything involved had (and still has) a big influence on the characters I create and live out.

Within this I created the character of the dreamer, not so interested in social activities and more distant from other kids. The voices in my head always told me why and how I had other, more 'important' things to do. Within my mind was this permanent fireworks display, this uninterrupted stream of fantasies and projections of big adventures I had to undertake.

Bringing the point here shows me how I existed within that experience of myself as that never ending stream of information that poured from my subconscious into my head. I realize I had no words to describe what was going on with me. I generated so much energy within me and that might explain why I couldn't sit still. Within this I see and realize that I was a compressed spring, always ready to spring into action. I felt stable and relaxed when I was moving. In other words doing something physical and within that would not be in my head so much. I would (as an adrenaline junkie) always  be looking for something that required total physical attention and involved all my senses as much as possible.

Pedalling
The moment I got my first bicycle was an experience I can only compare with the energetics of falling in love. I had butterflies in my stomach. My character on a bike was like this little energetic turbine spinning as I learned to bike and pedal my way around. Within this and on my bike I created a lot of characters. I was a pilot, racer, cop, fireman, astronaut etc. My bike allowed me to become every character that had fast as an expression.

I enjoyed speed and G–forces and the first roller coaster ride in a theme park was a life changing experience. Back home I would try to recreate that experience of being on the roller–coaster on my bike. With time biking became effortless. I was flying around and covering distances that would take me hours to do on foot. Biking around the neighborhood on my bike made my world smaller.

I was on my bike more than on my feet and biking to me felt more 'natural' then walking. Then BMX hit the scene and as I saw the first image of a real BMX bike I was stunned. It took me about two hours to completely strip my bicycle from all the unnecessary parts down to it's bare essentials and I created the BMX character. From that moment on I started digging trails with the other boys in the neighborhood who also stripped their bikes and adopted a BMX character. We had our private little BMX track next to our house. The stage was set and we enjoyed the play of flowing through berms picking up speed doing switchbacks and jumping around. I realize that playing the BMX character on a bike allowed me to be in 'the zone' and feel in control of myself instead of being ruled by the fireworks in my head.

Biking was my stability point, and because it involved a lot of falling it was also a 'character builder'. A way to express myself and within that is the point of feeling more confident on the bike than of the bike=in character out of character=on drugs of drugs. Whatever I takes to cope with the world.
That soothing tiredness after the adrenaline rush. Endorphins as the morphine to hide myself from the confrontation with myself. When I started doing less sport I started smoking more pot. I never looked at it like this but it makes total sense to me now.

Within all extreme sports people talk about 'the zone'. It's a place where 'normal' people would step on the brakes. Were you think you loose control. Fear steps in and a shot of adrenaline comes to warn you you are 'officially' outside your comfort zone and about to die. This is where most people start screaming inside a roller coaster because their 'instinct/fear' tells them to get out of the situation.

Fear as a personal coach
I always enjoyed that moment where I saw the fear inside myself come up and was able to greet it with a smile. The edge of fear became like a familiar character and if one is with a familiar character one tends to be more relaxed. When I found myself doing something extreme (stupid) I was always aware of the warning lights and alarm bells going of. I always felt fear but I was able to keep it in the background like my personal coach thus creating the character of the personal coach within and as my fears.

Within the zone all those little voices in my head where silenced. Rare moments where my mind would shut up for a few moments like standing inside the eye of a hurricane. There are a lot of kids who would be on medicines right now if it wasn't for their skateboard, BMX bike or whatever adrenaline pump they have.

Gaining Confidence within the zone allowed me to go beyond what I thought where my fears and faster than 'the competition'. That created the character of a winner and over time within that I created the adrenaline Junkie and extreme sports character. When I see interviews with guys from the xtreme sports community (they are mostly guys), I cant help but see the same characteristics coming from the same kind of script. Huge amounts of bravado, testosterone and a good skill set.

My thingie
I always had a fascination for extreme sports. Every opportunity I got to do something extreme I took no questions asked. As an adolescent they could have strapped me to a rocket unable to wipe the smile of my face. Looking back also within my family it makes sense. I identified myself utterly with characters of bravado, courage, fearlessness and speed. That whole thing they call extreme sports including the after party characters that belong to the scene.

Whatever we call ourselves within the activity or sports we practice in the end It's all competition and no one wants to be last. The place I compete is where I give my ego the 'all you can eat experience'. It's being with the monkeys screaming in the trees.

Sport could be so much more within and as a physical release and that's why I try to write some words down because I think that sport should be about physical expression without any form of competition or ratings and within that we will inevitably com across the money point.

I had to drive around and train on a piece of junk for years before I sold all my lego and got my first 15 kilo BMX bike that took a lot of leg to get moving. My adrenaline Junkie character spited (rich) kids and at the same time drooled over the bikes they had. Bikes that where 7-8 times more expensive than the little monster I drove around. The only status I could press out of my character was in the driving I did. I could only make sure I was fast and fearless. When I meet people I haven't seen for a while they mostly remember me as that character. Biking has always been my stability point and thus Achilles heel. No biking meant becoming unstable.

Recap
So within me is the character as the biker as confidence. Within doing extreme sports the adrenaline junkie character gave me the experience of success that I was not able to give myself in school, relationships, etc. Eventually this extreme sports character took the main stage on my world stage. Where I always had to push things over the limit. Where I always had the last say in things and provoked people in order to hide my own insecurity. It's why I pulled towards people that where a bit of center. Crazy ones, eccentrics, outcasts and underdogs. That's why I never was a successful athlete. I trained like one but lacked the ambition and discipline to compete every weekend and I feared the so called real athletes because I couldnt quite grasp where they where coming from. Apparently it was not my starting point to compete as an athlete and at the same time I enjoyed racing other guys in competition. I have been in competition with myself until I discovered within self honesty that I will eventually always be my own competitor like a dog chasing it's tail. Eventually the Mount everest will have an elevator and climbers will realize that you might as well cross the Sahara backwards. Eventually it's a biggest dick contest like all competition.

I created a character and with that came an addiction and as with all addictions I needed more drugs killing myself in the process. I wanted to beat myself which is impossible. I can only deprogram myself and that starts by killing my characters. It's funny to see that sports is actually more fun if there is no competitive character involved because it will become expression of self movement and within that I have to become intimate with myself. A point I have not yet fully embraced so an opportunity to observe myself as I slowly detox and deprogram the extreme sports character and allow self intimacy to step forth.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become completely possessed within and as the adrenaline Junkie

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for creating a competitive and fanatical character within and as the adrenaline junkie?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that I really enjoyed myself climbing as a child physically expressing myself within the experience of gravity and being suspended moving forward, back, left, right an also up and down without competitiveness and within that I forgive myself that I didn't see realize understand that this is my physical expression without the self-destructive competitive component, within that I see that I have created competition as the winner looser within thus allowing it to exist without.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and live the character of the dreamer allowing myself to isolate myself from others and within this I forgive myself for allowing myself to create the voices in my head as excuses to always have more 'important' things to do within and as the isolated character of the dreamer hypnotizing/identifying myself with the fireworks as my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I had no words to describe what was going on with me as a child where I generated so much energy and within that making it impossible to sit still and within that creating the external physical manifestation of restlessness not seeing realizing and understanding that my lack of vocabulary did not allow me to effectively communicate what was going on inside me within that I see and realize that I was creating a lot of tension creating a spring, always ready to spring into action thus creating a character of tension

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify and copy iconic and heroic characters not seeing realizing and understanding that by copying characters I am only creating more characters eventually loosing all sense of self and within that I forgive myself for abusing my physical body for competition like a race horse for sake of playing competitive characters

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that playing the BMX character on a bike allowing myself to be in 'the zone' and feel in control of myself was simply a distraction like all distractions where I would use the zone as a distraction/drug to experience myself for a short moment without the fireworks in my head and within that not realizing that this short meditation would not take away the point I was trying to escape within that I see I was already creating the basic construct for all addictions that followed later

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see falling of my bike abusing my physical body in the process as a character builder and within that I forgive myself for creating the character of the tough guy allowing myself to connect being on a bike to confidence thus creating on the bike=in character/of the bike=out of character and within that creating the basic impulse of using characters to deal with my internal turmoil instead of trusting the physical as breath as me here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to feel good endorphins created by exposing myself to physical and mental stress and within that abusing my physical body in the process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become depressed because I couldn't compete because of injuries inflected on myself by pushing myself over the limit and within that I forgive myself for not taking self responsibility for my own actions as the extreme sports character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel superior to others within the point of fearlessness within and as the extreme sports character being able to control my fears and project fearlessness as a distraction to hide my insecurities

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and others as lonely insecure guys overcompensating with huge amounts of bravado, testosterone and good skills within and as adrenaline junkies

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to I identify myself with the image and mentality of all-round sportsmanship, courage, fearlessness, speed that is called extreme sports including the after party characters that belong to the scene within and as image, looks, clothing, music, brands, and use of words

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compete in sports in order to give my ego the 'all you can eat experience' trough participating in competition with the soul purpose of winning at the cost of others

Day-012-I do perceive here a divided duty. Othello. ACT I Scene 3

The moment I finish my coffee I see the character that is my private self take a deep breath and leave the house to enter the world stage. Often that deep breath is my private character (the one I'm most comfortable with) realizing it has a few hours ahead to play as another character. And so my days are filled with acting out scripts that my mind as the director presents me with. I realize there is no self direction what so ever. Every scene I play is coming from the main character I call me. Where I hear myself say sorry that's typically me or I'm sorry that's how I am. Moments of total integration with the main character. A being in character.

In acting school they have a name for it called method acting. Becoming the character. What does that make me before I go into character, before another character? Where does it end? Is there a me or is it simply my mind presenting me with countless scripts and storyboards to choose from on a stage where I interact with billions of other actors?

From where or what do I go into character? If I'm not in character then what am I and where am I? It's a very cool point to look at because looking out into my world I see only projections of the characters I'm creating as reactions. My days are like a chain of improvisational sketches with the occasional passages I did memorize as I play 'the professional'. Within this I realize that growing up is ACTually going to acting school and working was the first serious role I played. I play the role of the father, lover, devil, demon, looser, etc. Played them all. My whole life is one big role playing game without ever realizing I was doing it. Totally forgot/suppressed what it is like to experience being here as breath without a script. What it is like to not re-act but to take action. The simplicity of walking by placing one foot after the other.

Isn't it completely absurd to look around and see that I'm only fucking acting out without ever realizing that this is not life. That I'm busy playing out predetermined scripts. I created so many characters I lost count a long the way and now I'm lost in wonderland talking to a rabbit.

I find myself lying on the couch as this lost character talking to a another character that plays the shrink. It's about time I start asking myself if all this acting I do is actually bringing forth something that is best for all? Can I ask myself? because that's like asking the director to give me another role to play.

Where do I start? How do I get to that point where I stop writing characters from the same alphabet to create scripts that have already been played by my other act-ore's a billion times? When do I act accordingly? Do I realize that nothing I do is act-u-all original in anyway? This realization for example is coming from me the character playing the observer. There is no realness here, I'm pixelated, recorded, projected and lost in the script presented by the internet at this very moment.


"I have to stop my thoughts" - character - it's a character because "I HAVE to stop MY thoughts" - then there's an I and a My and a "have to" - in this character, does one then ever really stop thoughts? The difference between character and Here, is a doing/living action in the moment, so whenever there is a statement instead of immediate application: you're creating a character" -


Sunette Spies


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge all and everything as real not seeing realizing and understanding that all I see is characters forming words that make up the scripts that define the actors that live up and play to generate the pixels of reality where I'am lost within the play as the characters I play with.

I commit myself to observe myself as the characters I play in order to identify my ACTions to stop acting and become real as breath to remain here as breath and forgive myself for the creation of characters that cause physical harm as my projections of and as reality.

Links:
Breaking Character by Jozien Fokkert
Here

Personality suits by Heath Ledger
Part 1
Part 2

My life as a character by Maya Harel
Here

Stepping out of Character by Bernard Poolman
Here