Day-020-Fear of success

This is a follow up to:
Day-018-Save me and then leave me alone

Yesterday I wrote amongst other things about an observation regarding self sabotage and that i'm actually addicted to sabotaging myself. What does that addiction look like and how does it manifest? What I see is that I feel safe as the victim that is dependent on others. This is creating a winning character as competitiveness where I present myself to others as the positive polarity of the 'winner-looser construct' because I don't want to be seen as a victim by others.

Within this i'm becoming aware of this construct where I refuse to see and accept that I'm of mind and as the the mind I am programmed to run the program. A program that does NOT want to change. Manifesting myself as more special than others and thus able to change as the mind.

I see and realize that this in impossible because the mind is who I am at any given moment. Within this construct I can only keep falling and have looped repeatedly always coming to the exact same point where I have to simply start applying myself. Meaning get to know myself and how I ended up in these versions of myself. Not transcending this point means 'progress' will grind to a halt.

I see that when the moment comes to apply myself it get's tricky. It's like I cannot help myself. What I see is that this is the point where I as the mind meet the physical. It's at this point where I meet all I have created. This is where I become unstable and allow myself to fall instead of stand. In al cases it's the same point. When I have to sit with myself and write I will accept my own excuses and do something else instead. Within that I fuck with myself extensively by doing things that are 'non recreational'. I then find myself cleaning something or repairing something. The excuse being that this has to be done first. It's willingly fucking myself by bending my priorities instead of getting them straight.

Mostly I find myself doing physical stuff in order to escape the 'painful' confrontation with who I am and have become in that given moment of self sabotage. The resistance is huge because I allow myself to fear the shear extend of my own fuckup and thus allow myself as the 'giving up character' to take over. I see where it comes from and that it has to do with family structures and that I never learned to stand on my own two feet in this point. Within this construct I was always 'taken care of'. Growing up I never had to worry about taking responsibility and eventually that's what I accepted and allowed to become = 'irresponsible'.

Walking part of my process with someone who offered support and did not have this background allowed me to see and experience other perspectives and ways of looking at myself. However the painful process of exposing myself and sharing myself as that point with another person meant walking into relationship points as well. It did not make it easier but it did speed up the process of getting to the raw experience of myself within these points of sabotaging myself.

It also allowed me to see that although suppressed I was and still am hugely intimidated by successful people. Meaning people with the capability to transcend the point of what I would call or more appropriate judge as defeat. I see and observe within me that overtime everything has become a contest. Which in itself is not strange because I had to adapt to this reality which is in all ways 'a contest'. I have seen that point very early but instead of becoming a good player familiar with the game I allowed myself to swim against the current. I started to judge success and react towards the system instead of working with it as a tool. Within this I'm a product of my education I see that and that that is not the point. The point is taking self responsibility within seeing what is necessary to change myself and then not doing so which is 'self-sabotage' and (not) acting out of fear.

Here is fear of change. Fear of a future unknown. Remaining on that small ledge of knowledge and information instead of climbing and see where that will take me. I can see what I do, it's the not doing where I fuck up. I must credit myself for at least picking myself up and start moving again two years ago. Now the point is reached where there is nothing left but to walk process as what is required to do. I see that. I have no excuses left. I have heard them all. I tried it all. And still I allow myself to sabotage myself.

I identify this pattern as self sabotage. I see it throughout my life I have adapted this pattern of never wanting to take full responsibility or go all the way professionally thus never be in full control of a given situation and within that the risk of 'loosing it all'. Thus (voluntarily) always am and expect myself to be 'second best'. I place myself as the looser before trying to find out what it is like to win.

It's that point where I never allowed myself to walk 'real' success all the way thus ending up in the polarity point which is failure. Put simply, I created the construct of 'too scared to even try so fuck up and pretend the failure is not my fault'. On top of that let somebody else clean up the mess for me'. The 'most painful point being that I'm aware of myself doing it. That's the 'shame' point. That shame is BIG.

I'm the giver of this word sabotage and within this I accept and allow myself to create 'failure' because I don't allow myself to create success by taking responsibility for all of me thus I allow myself to exist within the polarity of irresponsibility out of fear of the future thus creating frustration, shame, guilt.

Those are the primary emotions I experience within this construct. I feel save as the main characters, the irresponsible clown, punk, underdog, anarchist, rebel because that is still me. Everything else is unknown territory, the unknown. Don't wanna go there. Rather find excuses why I never did instead of failing while trying. I'm a looser baby hahaha-boehoo-hooo.


http://desteni.org/
http://desteniiprocess.com/
http://eqafe.com/
http://destonians.com/

Day-019-Save me and then leave me alone

Another month has expired. A period where I had to face myself as resistance. Being with myself and experiencing myself as a little child that does not wan't to move what-so-ever. I needed a kick in the ass. Or maybe a freight train. Anyway I want to thank a certain someone for the booty.

What is the main point here? What is it i'm looking at? First off I do not sit with myself and take the time to really look at what is going on in my life from the perspective of cause and effect. How do I experience myself after a days work? Who am I within the nitty gritty of my behavior at the end of a day? What where those mood swings about today? Why is it so hard to come to that point where I sit with myself and look at the reactions, emotions, feelings I had during a day?

Let's face it who voluntarily does shit like that after a hard days work? Only those freaks at Desteni. Am I one of them? I just want to crash like I always did. The way I programmed myself during the last twenty or so years working 09.00-19.00. After that It's my fucking time now leave me the fuck alone (yes i'm talking to myself here). All I want to do if I have done as little as possible is go home and relax. Take my mind of the daily which is this fucked up reality. SO here I look at my basic program I developed over the past twenty or so years. Ending up on the couch smoking pot.

Stopping cigarettes and weed gave me perspective on what it means to become a habit instead of looking at one. I'm looking at habits that are part of personalities that I have designed over time within and as the mind. All accepted and allowed by me the director to be part of who I am.

It's quite a 'little' fuckup i'm looking at and it is up to me to take responsibility for cleaning out my closet. I see that no one will do it for me. I have been depressed enough to see that that is a mechanism within me. I have used it as a child to manipulate and get things my way. It is part of my persona. I have used it within my relationships and I'm still using it. Fuck it up as the easy way so I don't have to do it the hard way and go through that point of resistance to succeed.

At one given time we have all pretended to be sick in order to stay in bed that extra day in order to stay out of school. It's interesting to look at being self employed from that perspective because when I don't move myself everything stops because the money will stop. I'm completely self responsible for what I do in that area. It's all my creation and there's no one to blame but me (I hate that lol).

Within this I see myself and often a break or a pause will immediately trigger guilt. As If I have to be doing something al the time. Subsequently I see myself struggle with pushing myself within these moments where I have to take time to sit with myself and write myself out to get perspective and clarity.

I can see the bullshit because in the end I'm looking for distractions away from facing myself within who I am within this moment within reality because that is me within my physical actions (and that is not a pretty picture). I see myself come home doing all sorts of things (that also have to be done) but sitting with myself and writing out my day is always last on my list which makes it a low priority.

I experience a huge resistance toward taking myself seriously. To look at who I really am within my own experience as I walk myself through daily life. Observing myself and my actions and putting that shit down in front of me. It has the same feel as dragging myself to school as a kid. OK the resistance is huge let me leave it there.

I will myself to take this point by the balls. If I want to change this than that can only come from doing so. Moving important things to the bottom of my list means I make them unimportant and so I find myself doing them late in the evening and that simply does not work. The whole mechanism is one of 'self sabotage'. OK. There it is.

So if the resistance is huge than I must have a lot to hide from myself. Another reason for me to avoid the investigation. The point that came up this week and I saw it very clearly is that I'm utterly and completely addicted to sabotaging myself. I'm refusing to accept that I'm of mind and the mind is a program that does NOT want to change. I can only influence this process through deprogramming which is physical action as writing so here I am trying to restart my process.

Interesting word  'Influence' (influenza) = insert a virus = genetically alter myself lol

Within my process = daily life I take myself way to serious and I take everything personal as the mind and that will trigger personalities that have relationships with others and it will influence the way others perceive 'me' and my interactions. Most of the time I cannot see this while I'm participating within those relationships because my reactions are so automated. I will myself to breath and observe myself. It's when I have to process a lot of information simultaneously that I often find myself in the middle of a possession unable to stop participating as a certain character. And that's why I have to write this shit out. Writing that shit out means becoming intimate with myself which brings me full circle. It can only be that point. I fear self intimacy. I fear that point. I avoid that point.

More to come