Day-019-Save me and then leave me alone

Another month has expired. A period where I had to face myself as resistance. Being with myself and experiencing myself as a little child that does not wan't to move what-so-ever. I needed a kick in the ass. Or maybe a freight train. Anyway I want to thank a certain someone for the booty.

What is the main point here? What is it i'm looking at? First off I do not sit with myself and take the time to really look at what is going on in my life from the perspective of cause and effect. How do I experience myself after a days work? Who am I within the nitty gritty of my behavior at the end of a day? What where those mood swings about today? Why is it so hard to come to that point where I sit with myself and look at the reactions, emotions, feelings I had during a day?

Let's face it who voluntarily does shit like that after a hard days work? Only those freaks at Desteni. Am I one of them? I just want to crash like I always did. The way I programmed myself during the last twenty or so years working 09.00-19.00. After that It's my fucking time now leave me the fuck alone (yes i'm talking to myself here). All I want to do if I have done as little as possible is go home and relax. Take my mind of the daily which is this fucked up reality. SO here I look at my basic program I developed over the past twenty or so years. Ending up on the couch smoking pot.

Stopping cigarettes and weed gave me perspective on what it means to become a habit instead of looking at one. I'm looking at habits that are part of personalities that I have designed over time within and as the mind. All accepted and allowed by me the director to be part of who I am.

It's quite a 'little' fuckup i'm looking at and it is up to me to take responsibility for cleaning out my closet. I see that no one will do it for me. I have been depressed enough to see that that is a mechanism within me. I have used it as a child to manipulate and get things my way. It is part of my persona. I have used it within my relationships and I'm still using it. Fuck it up as the easy way so I don't have to do it the hard way and go through that point of resistance to succeed.

At one given time we have all pretended to be sick in order to stay in bed that extra day in order to stay out of school. It's interesting to look at being self employed from that perspective because when I don't move myself everything stops because the money will stop. I'm completely self responsible for what I do in that area. It's all my creation and there's no one to blame but me (I hate that lol).

Within this I see myself and often a break or a pause will immediately trigger guilt. As If I have to be doing something al the time. Subsequently I see myself struggle with pushing myself within these moments where I have to take time to sit with myself and write myself out to get perspective and clarity.

I can see the bullshit because in the end I'm looking for distractions away from facing myself within who I am within this moment within reality because that is me within my physical actions (and that is not a pretty picture). I see myself come home doing all sorts of things (that also have to be done) but sitting with myself and writing out my day is always last on my list which makes it a low priority.

I experience a huge resistance toward taking myself seriously. To look at who I really am within my own experience as I walk myself through daily life. Observing myself and my actions and putting that shit down in front of me. It has the same feel as dragging myself to school as a kid. OK the resistance is huge let me leave it there.

I will myself to take this point by the balls. If I want to change this than that can only come from doing so. Moving important things to the bottom of my list means I make them unimportant and so I find myself doing them late in the evening and that simply does not work. The whole mechanism is one of 'self sabotage'. OK. There it is.

So if the resistance is huge than I must have a lot to hide from myself. Another reason for me to avoid the investigation. The point that came up this week and I saw it very clearly is that I'm utterly and completely addicted to sabotaging myself. I'm refusing to accept that I'm of mind and the mind is a program that does NOT want to change. I can only influence this process through deprogramming which is physical action as writing so here I am trying to restart my process.

Interesting word  'Influence' (influenza) = insert a virus = genetically alter myself lol

Within my process = daily life I take myself way to serious and I take everything personal as the mind and that will trigger personalities that have relationships with others and it will influence the way others perceive 'me' and my interactions. Most of the time I cannot see this while I'm participating within those relationships because my reactions are so automated. I will myself to breath and observe myself. It's when I have to process a lot of information simultaneously that I often find myself in the middle of a possession unable to stop participating as a certain character. And that's why I have to write this shit out. Writing that shit out means becoming intimate with myself which brings me full circle. It can only be that point. I fear self intimacy. I fear that point. I avoid that point.

More to come

2012 Does the sound of silence becomes the roar of darkness?

12 21 12, 2012, 21 december 12, dec 12 2012, december 12 2011, december 12 doomsday, december 21 2012.

They say fear of the dark is a common fear among children. I think it's the other way round. That I as an adult am in full denial. That children reflect the horrors of me as 'this world' (my universe). Children show me the reality of what it means to grow up in this 'adult' world'. A world where you have to be 18 to enter.

My daughter is seven years old now. She's trying to make sense of something that has become totally senseless and there is so little I can do. Baby's being born into this world enter a reality beyond the horror made in Hollywood. The 'dark fear' travels with us. We as adults don't address it as such (that would be childish). However fear of the dark is usually not fear of the dark is it? We all know because our parents told us! In their heads they understood the concept. Fear of possible or imagined dangers thus not real. How come we all feel scared just the same? O yes, 'imagined dangers'. Up there in my head instead of looking were to walk. Tripping and falling into a coma and now they are going to cut me up and I'm not able to speak.

I remember moments I had as I child where I could see what was going on around me. Reality unfolding as this place I wanted to escape but couldn't. Trying to share my fears with my parents unable to communicate what it was that scared me so much. I see it now. I see it within some children. I'm confronted with it through the walls of my house. I'm afraid of the dark because within darkness there is only me and I'm not sure what that is? How can I be? Nothing here but nothing. Me as this never ending stream of thoughts from the past. The well never dries. The only way is to shut it up. Close the tap.

Sometimes the ping-pong stops and for a brief moment it will become dark. Then there will be thoughts again. Concepts without substance. Nothing to hold on too. Me generating make believe energy in a make believe world. That's why darkness is so cool. Through all this shit called 'life' Darkness is the only constant factor. So where do I find self trust? Out there with some God or deity. Or could it be I'm overlooking the authority called Darkness that's observing patiently from deep inside? Do I have a choice? Can I let go of 'me' as what I think I am. Do I dare to face the darkness?

Being submerged in thoughts loosing myself. Stopping myself, breathing and bringing myself 'here'. Time and time again. Falling, followed by self-Judgement and shame. Repeating cycles of failure as time is ticking. Even judging time as 'dead-lines'. The more afraid I become of the future the harder it get's to move on. The experience of sharing myself, is horribly confronting and painfully embarrassing. Seeing myself and not being able to laugh about my fuckups. Taking myself way too seriously. Giving in to embarrassment. I my Ego wearing the mask of Grim Reaper scaring myself into 'shame and regret'. Great disguise Grim! Every hour every day I catch myself falling into these holographic traps made of thoughts. The blinding light of thoughts.

At least Darkness cut's the crap and shows me where it's at. I'm either here and aware or I'm again lost within the pictures as my thoughts firing like a Gatling gun. Fear of the dark is the ultimate fear of facing myself here as the unknown. I don't wan't to remain scared in the dark as noting. That's why I walk this process. The only reality I find acceptable is a reality where we all share the darkness with no fear. A reality where equality rules. I'm often scared we are not going to make it that far (Oops, afraid of the dark again).