1/30/2012

2012 Does the sound of silence becomes the roar of darkness?

12 21 12, 2012, 21 december 12, dec 12 2012, december 12 2011, december 12 doomsday, december 21 2012.

They say fear of the dark is a common fear among children. I think it's the other way round. That I as an adult am in full denial. That children reflect the horrors of me as 'this world' (my universe). Children show me the reality of what it means to grow up in this 'adult' world'. A world where you have to be 18 to enter.

My daughter is seven years old now. She's trying to make sense of something that has become totally senseless and there is so little I can do. Baby's being born into this world enter a reality beyond the horror made in Hollywood. The 'dark fear' travels with us. We as adults don't address it as such (that would be childish). However fear of the dark is usually not fear of the dark is it? We all know because our parents told us! In their heads they understood the concept. Fear of possible or imagined dangers thus not real. How come we all feel scared just the same? O yes, 'imagined dangers'. Up there in my head instead of looking were to walk. Tripping and falling into a coma and now they are going to cut me up and I'm not able to speak.

I remember moments I had as I child where I could see what was going on around me. Reality unfolding as this place I wanted to escape but couldn't. Trying to share my fears with my parents unable to communicate what it was that scared me so much. I see it now. I see it within some children. I'm confronted with it through the walls of my house. I'm afraid of the dark because within darkness there is only me and I'm not sure what that is? How can I be? Nothing here but nothing. Me as this never ending stream of thoughts from the past. The well never dries. The only way is to shut it up. Close the tap.

Sometimes the ping-pong stops and for a brief moment it will become dark. Then there will be thoughts again. Concepts without substance. Nothing to hold on too. Me generating make believe energy in a make believe world. That's why darkness is so cool. Through all this shit called 'life' Darkness is the only constant factor. So where do I find self trust? Out there with some God or deity. Or could it be I'm overlooking the authority called Darkness that's observing patiently from deep inside? Do I have a choice? Can I let go of 'me' as what I think I am. Do I dare to face the darkness?

Being submerged in thoughts loosing myself. Stopping myself, breathing and bringing myself 'here'. Time and time again. Falling, followed by self-Judgement and shame. Repeating cycles of failure as time is ticking. Even judging time as 'dead-lines'. The more afraid I become of the future the harder it get's to move on. The experience of sharing myself, is horribly confronting and painfully embarrassing. Seeing myself and not being able to laugh about my fuckups. Taking myself way too seriously. Giving in to embarrassment. I my Ego wearing the mask of Grim Reaper scaring myself into 'shame and regret'. Great disguise Grim! Every hour every day I catch myself falling into these holographic traps made of thoughts. The blinding light of thoughts.

At least Darkness cut's the crap and shows me where it's at. I'm either here and aware or I'm again lost within the pictures as my thoughts firing like a Gatling gun. Fear of the dark is the ultimate fear of facing myself here as the unknown. I don't wan't to remain scared in the dark as noting. That's why I walk this process. The only reality I find acceptable is a reality where we all share the darkness with no fear. A reality where equality rules. I'm often scared we are not going to make it that far (Oops, afraid of the dark again).


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