Day-023-E-value ate the money

I was looking at some of my experiences over the past week. A week that was filled with ridiculous deadlines, stress, irritation, tiredness, confusion, suppression and lunacy. All because the money has to flow to a specific point more than to another. Its kind of mathematical and I'm not talking about the whole planet although exactly the same thing is happening on a macroeconomic scale and because I am a participant I'm confronted with the 'value for money discussion' on a minute to minute bases.

I make money so I'm a cost point. One of many that causes stress. That's what money does and it's measured in space and time. I'm confronted with this principle within almost every decision I make during my day, in fact all people are. Even the ones that have no money are part of the 'deal'.

So like the ones before me I accept the shite as part of the package and although it has always bugged the fucking hell out of me I was somehow able to suppress the anger and frustration with lot's of distraction in the form of so called free time and entertainment. That pattern however is kind of changing as my Facebook page illustrates.

The past always visits me as I find myself in doubt during my projects. This week I got a vivid perspective of myself within and as the patterns I exist as 'personally and professionally'. I had a few volcanic moments and at one point. I snapped and allowed myself to become completely possessed by anger and frustration. It was not a pleasant experience. It disgusts me to find myself in that total possession and looking back I can see that trying to avoid the experience is one of the reasons I have lost or quit jobs in the past.

This week like so many before felt like being submerged in energy and I couldn't earth myself to remove the static. It's like I see myself go I know what will follow but I'm unable to change direction. It's almost like an addiction. No, it is an addiction it's a pattern *flag point. It's knowing only one way and being to scared to even think of another that's it. Today as I finally take this moment for myself to put one and two in perspective where I'm cleaning up my house, doing the laundry, walking the dog and I become aware of my body as this collection of tension is when I realize I'm actually the sum of my the parts that make up the equation.

This is my fucking value for money!

It would be extremely funny if it wasn't killing us. All this tension because we have bills to pay. Slowly cannibalizing myself as the days pas by. And it hit me today that it makes sense. What Value? From every purchase or every sum of money spent. Value for money is based not only on the minimum purchase price but also on the maximum efficiency and effectiveness of the purchase. The interesting question however should be, what is our 'valuepoint' of reference regarding value that is permanently changing according to our own preprogrammed behavior? In other words my unstoppable appetite to have more than others. I am part of the fucking feedback loop. I'm feeding the monster by my own participation. Ah it's genius we all faced the same question. Stand or deliver? We all deliver and fall collectively for the highest bidder which is our own mind.

There is no value and that's why it is what it is. Even if my life would be that of luxury and splendor there would be no value because value is created in the mind and that can't be done without creating debt. From my perceptive it explains the way I experience myself within my work. I do not dare to say professional career because what is a professional standard? It is part of the same value system that is part of the money system and if you have the whole of humanity including myself trying to buy more for less this is what you get. Over time no value was created we only created debt so I have no value only debt and it's so huge I can only pretend it does not exist and deny its existence because facing my responsibility within it is just to big and to shameful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become possessed by energy because I did not give myself clarity within the chaos surrounding my professional activities over the past week.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to panic instead of getting a clear perspective on the impossibilities of the work that had to be done within the given amount of time and take self responsibility within communicating these points clearly and effectively with all people involved.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not place myself within strict boundaries regarding my priorities and to be realistic about what can be done and not be done and communicate that, taking into consideration that the reaction I get might not be a pleasant one seeing realizing that placing boundaries will always cause someone somewhere to hit the fence within that I see realize and understand that I'm not responsible for the way people deal with their emotions and that it's not my responsibility to have all the answers

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not seeing realizing and understanding that one of my tasks is to alway be clear within my communication because without clear communication on my part there can only be assumptions that become projections regarding me and the status of my work

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within my work loose my professional stance



http://desteni.org/
http://desteniiprocess.com/
http://eqafe.com/
http://destonians.com/

Day-011-The phonetic mantra of bohemian rhapsody's

Who am I within the word fanatic?
Someone made a 'joke' regarding me reciting mantra's phonetically because I was to lazy to learn them. Calling them cellphone calls for quick ascension lol. Indeed my quick ascension never took place. So I probably prevented myself from some sort of (brain)damage by not reciting myself into eternal bliss which is quite a joke in itself.

I have been on a few 'spiritual' endeavors where I found myself completely lost within the Vedic spiritual tradition. Within that I was introduced to the concept of mantra quite early. The Vedic tradition and the east in general has a strong emphasis on mantra and there is a 'good' reason for that. Its a powerful recipe for brainwashing. It's like a neurolinguistic turbo charger and within that application It's used multi purposely for anything. From Nazi propaganda to learning thousands of religious verses to learning math to memorizing extremely long musical patterns etc. etc. You could say that everything you rehearse/repeat within a certain frequency/rhythm is a mantra.

So I ended up legs crossed, fasting, hungry with a teacher that says "Repeat after me":

'nadanada-didanada-nana-dadigidigidumdumdumdum-dagadagadedude-dudedede-dudedede-adedodamdo-dam-etc…

Practical stuff when you are a percussionist who plays with two hands + ten fingers in various settings with no paper to write on. A mind fuck if you recited yourself into an office cubicle/cave with your ass freezing off or your head on the keyboard only to realize that the cave or cubicle is still there after your return from nirvana in the head.

We learn learn shit by repeating (repetition). It's not exceptional to have musical pieces in india that have a 36 up to a 128 bar rhythmic basis. Compare that to a four bar basic disco beat and an alleluia and you get the picture. To state that 'Bohemian rhapsody' is a complex song would make a lot of young musicians in india scratch their heads (although they have a hard time grasping Freddy Mercury when he sings 'to open your eyes and to see that there is no escape from reality' so let's learn from each other here).

The fan in the attic
The spiritual product I bought into belonged to one of the oldest musical traditions in India, rooted in sound and mantra while I come from a tradition of little discipline and do what the fuck you like when you like it. Trying to merge the two cultures proofed to be a challenge. I listened, I tried and tried again and couldn't get the shit down. There I sat looking around humming along with other light seeking beings from the West trying to sound enlightened.

So within that I realize that I actually prevented myself from brainwashing myself to a certain extend by not knowing what the fuck I was chanting about and being to fucking lazy to find out, humming phonetically something that sounded like mantra's. Looking back on it I can only smile seeing how utterly lost I was. As I lay in bed pondering on these points the word phonetic opened up like this:

 i-Phone-Tic-Fan-Attic-Phonetic-Fanatic-The Fan in the attic.

Combining aspects of these words from the dictionary gives me a few interesting perspectives.

- speech sounds
- detailed phonetic information
- symbols and sounds
- phonetic training
- speaking communicating
- excessive and single-minded
- extreme religious or political
- obsessive interest in and enthusiasm for something
- inspired by a god
- possession by a god or demon
- an apparatus with rotating blades that creates a current of air for cooling or ventilation
- a person who has a strong interest in or admiration for a particular sport, art form, or famous person
- space or room just below the roof of a building

So within how I defined this word there is me as the one making a call, praying and searching for information, being a fanatical fan becoming possessed as I spiral out of control where I single-mindedly loose myself within and as religious adoration for things I define as bigger then me. My believes become all I have and form the God-Demon people, friends, lovers, relations I call my personality that I live out to a point of becoming the fanatic constantly as me franticly communicating chaotically while expressing myself creatively, egocentrically and artistically.

Ask anybody who knows me and they will confirm and describe a few of the points mentioned because the points stick out as the spikiness that's me. I'm that bee in the hive and this my behavior. This is the core actor you meet. It's my character the caricature of me as this world It's what I have accepted to become within as the world without.

The picture that came up was also fascinating. I saw a classical fan hanging in the attic at the highest point in the house spraying a thick spiritual fog through the house that made it impossible for me to see where I lived within this physical reality that is my body. That highest point in the house as within chakra psychology representing the seventh chakra on top of the skull and the lowest point being the basement as the tailbone thus my entire body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a fanatical personality and within that become automated, a machine that has to be fanatical within and as everything I do

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realise and understand what it means to slow down and embrace myself as the limitations I create by being fanatical and not allowing myself the experience of being at ease with myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be in relationships in which I would find common ground within the same religious obsessions and fanatical behavior in order to feel accepted and not take responsibility for my own words and deeds

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within being fanatical not give myself the gift of patience and making mistakes in order to experience that failing can be without self judgement and is about falling and standing up to walk the correction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to harm other beings in my world by ignoring my own observations within being and becoming possessed at the cost of others as the fanatic that did not stop until al was destroyed

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realise and understand that by being fanatical I'm always and only operating as ego and within that I will take nothing into consideration and only serve my best interest at the cost of others  always

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the fanatical consumer seeing myself always wanting to have more and within that I always want to have the best things, seeing realizing understanding that within the consumer model there is no 'best thing' because the 'best thing' would be what is best for all instead of what I want.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become fanatic within sports where I tried to compensate my inferiority by amplifying my urge to win realizing and understanding that by participating within the point of winning I was only creating more separation as the winner opposed to the looser.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let fear and paranoia of making mistakes as the male ego become the main motivators for me to move myself in this world thus creating a starting point of stress and anxiety as me as the fanatic striving for perfection and fanatically trying to live up to those self created images seeing realizing and understanding that it is impossible to live up to picture projections and within that I forgive myself for hiding out of fear of making mistakes and to be seen as imperfect

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe perfection exists within me as the mind when only the physical as the flesh can claim any authority within that point for I as the mind can never be more perfect than the physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a fanatical perfectionist within and as the mind as a projection of perfectionism seeing realizing and understanding that perfection as a concept/projection/perception implies I also accept imperfection to exist and within that I see that perfection can only exist as physical action within the best interest of all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that I as the fanatic limited myself by not allowing myself to slow myself down seeing and understanding that my fanatical behavior is often me as the mind trying to understand with the mind what can not be understood by the mind creating friction as energy as mind possessions where I allow myself to become completely fanatic

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react energetically to authority to advertisements and observations, parents, friends, teachers, the educational system, doctors, psychologists, the industry, society, fellow consumers that saw/see me as a fanatic and dysfunctional/sick child having an 'illness' like: adhd, asperger, pdd, authism or whatever label beings have put on me without seeing realizing and understanding that the origin of my behavior existing within and as me as the mind is always an outflow/projection of the world I accepted to exist outside.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fanatically defend my limitations and then switch to bravado to hide behind using my male ego

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a fanatical lover and wanting to be perfect within that point as the lover

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the fanatical partner, hiding within my relationships projecting my own shit on my partners creating more turmoil instead of taking self responsibility and giving to my partners as I would have like to receive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fanatically defend my own believes and become intolerant to other peoples viewpoints or perspectives always skeptical, cynical, questioning, discussing and projecting/defending my own standpoints and if necessary manipulate people within debate in order to come out on top as the winner or at least get the energetic rush of feeling like one.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to loose the ability to listen and respond with common sense limiting myself, excommunicating myself within and as the turbulence as the fan in the attic

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel disgusted with myself within seeing myself existing within and as the horror I create as the fan in the attic, as the fanatic creating turbulence instead of remaining here as breath within every moment

Day-006-Who am I within the word stability?

I'm having great difficulty picking myself up and then move myself towards self honest self reflection. It wasn't always like that. So is it because I start to see the true nature of who I am as ego within self reflection. Is it because I see that self reflection is not some spiritual trip but factual physical labour without any soothing or comforting elements. That self reflection in the true sense of the word means taking self responsibility for everything I have created which is an overwhelming realisation to begin with. There is no ego satisfaction within self honesty thus everything as self support now meets resistance as ego. It's the unknown for me as real physical resistance. I don't feel stable anymore because I see that stability as being able to believe I am is not real. Stability in my world is about money.

Does stability exist or is it a concept? How have I defined stability? Who am I within the word stability? The same goes for what is happening in my life. Have I defined stability as being in control? Where can stability be found? How do I create stability? 'Stability' I cannot find a better definition than 'money'. In my life in this world 'stability' equals money and because some have more than others there will never be stability thus I will never know real stability unless all are stable within the point of money. Do I want all to be stable? Yes. That's why I commit myself to an equal money system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the future within and as financial instability

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the future within the point of being self responsible for making my own money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the future within the realization I have to walk alone within the point of money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking self responsibility for my financial future

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not voice my fears about money in self honesty instead ridiculing them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not look at my fears in specificity and the places they originate from.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate my fears instead suppressing and/or ridiculing them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be self honest about my fears

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear getting sick as a consequence of suppressing fear within and as stress

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being unable to work because of being sick

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/act as more than the physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the unknown that will emerge after I let go of what I have defined myself as that is of ego

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear death as the deconstruction of my personality as my accepted believes, emotions and feelings

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the change taking place within standing up and moving myself as physical action to change my own creation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear reactions towards me as I change myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my relationships will change as I change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear looking within myself and this reality from a self honest perspective as my own creation as reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the point of taking self responsibility for what
I see as my own creation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as cold and without humbleness realizing seeing and understanding that this humbleness has to be reconstructed after I deconstruct the coping mechanism I experience as apathy within myself and this world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that wanting to be more than the physical as the mind can only happen within the mind and thus can never be real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in the concept of mind over matter seeing realizing and understanding that matter only change through words lived as physical action

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take physical action when seeing points I can change instantly by simply doing them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see and approach writing myself out as an obligation instead of a gift to self

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that seeing points to face within daily life have something to do with intellect or being smart

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that being able to apply common sense is some sort of special talent

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as stupid, not smart, dumb, and thus do not deserve to be part of the group seeing, realizing that this is self sabotage because it's within physical action where I define myself as someone who is walking with the pack or not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give to me the gift of writing myself out as a daily physical action where I confront myself with resistance in order to push trough the resistance

I see realize and understand that this is a process of action followed by action and the less 'mind' is involved the faster I will be able to walk my steps towards birthing myself as life

I commit myself to stay focussed on pushing myself towards more physical action within the point of not waisting time and being efficient

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge points within reality as small or insignificant seeing realizing and understanding that nothing is too small or insignificant if I include all and thus what is best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore physical signs of stress as pain within my body

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself or my actions as stupid or insignificant

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into distractions of the mind and within that not giving myself the one and only solution which is physical action as not accepting and allowing myself to give into distraction and fucking write myself out whatever mambo jambo it will be

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear looking at all of reality which includes my fears and uncertainties

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking responsibility for every aspect of my daily reality and to think I'm incapable of directing my life and overcoming my fears

Day 002-Irritated

The point that really stood out today was irritation. I accepted and allowed myself to become irritated. Irritation creates a lot of friction so I really sabotaged myself today. I'm not working at home at the moment. I'm on location and so is my equipment. Today felt like everything was amplified. Noise was louder, light was brighter and time seemed to move faster. I'm now well into the fourth week of being fully emerged in quite stressful work with permanent deadlines and impulses around me.

It's interesting to observe the impact this bowl of energy around me is having on me. It's permeating my skin. Sometimes I can even feel temperature changes in my skin. I cannot run from it or shield myself against it. The combination of work and keeping stable as breath is something I have yet to master. Its like swimming where I have moments on the surface and then it's back down and being submerged in work to get shit done. In the process this pattern is becoming visible. It's an old pattern. It's the nine to nine pattern I had for a long time where I in the morning kind of merge with my work and the computer programs and come out of this trip at around nine o clock at night within this energetic buzz.

I'm working and my head will start spinning, my body is tensed up, my breathing is higher and last but not least there is this luring feeling of irritation. Its like being hooked with a thousand hooks and hanged from the ceiling. Locked into my place behind the computer calibrated to spin with the system and produce output. Feeling that whole energetic buzz creeping in and slowly eating me up. Today around 16.00 hours I couldn't keep my eyes open. I wanted to get out, go home get air but I couldn't because I have an agreement with myself to not give into resistance. And this was resistance for sure. It came to a point where I felt so tired I wanted to lay myself down on the floor. I knew it had to be resistance. My mind was looking for back doors to get me out and presenting me with this tiredness was one of them. It worked great because I really felt like I was done. At that moment my brother (who's also there) said "stop, let's play"

If you wonder why a lot of advertising agencies have soccer tables. It's because of this point. It's a means to an end. You go to the table and you simply create a shortcut to silence the mind through playing a fierce physical game of table soccer. So that's what I did and it helped me create that little space from where I was able to become stable and get my shit done. It's always the obvious shit that I miss indeed. So here is a great tip. In case of mental sabotage presenting itself as resistance were one becomes tired. Stop and do something physical. Jump, trow a ball, walk or ride a bike. It works!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself by giving into resistance presented by my mind as tiredness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drink more coffee than I had agreed upon with myself making it harder to remain stable within breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give my body the sleep it needed last night resulting in a less stable thus not preferable situation where I support myself by doing my work efficiently thus saving time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become irritated and expressing that irritation orally thereby making others part of my problem which is unacceptable as I should be an example as movement. Whereby I'm moving myself trough those particular points of resistance without any drama or emotion thus not giving the ego of the mind what it wants which is self limitation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry with myself as judging myself as incompetent or not capable of changing my behavior that presented itself as tiredness at the same time realising this tiredness was resistance

2012 Does the sound of silence becomes the roar of darkness?

12 21 12, 2012, 21 december 12, dec 12 2012, december 12 2011, december 12 doomsday, december 21 2012.

They say fear of the dark is a common fear among children. I think it's the other way round. That I as an adult am in full denial. That children reflect the horrors of me as 'this world' (my universe). Children show me the reality of what it means to grow up in this 'adult' world'. A world where you have to be 18 to enter.

My daughter is seven years old now. She's trying to make sense of something that has become totally senseless and there is so little I can do. Baby's being born into this world enter a reality beyond the horror made in Hollywood. The 'dark fear' travels with us. We as adults don't address it as such (that would be childish). However fear of the dark is usually not fear of the dark is it? We all know because our parents told us! In their heads they understood the concept. Fear of possible or imagined dangers thus not real. How come we all feel scared just the same? O yes, 'imagined dangers'. Up there in my head instead of looking were to walk. Tripping and falling into a coma and now they are going to cut me up and I'm not able to speak.

I remember moments I had as I child where I could see what was going on around me. Reality unfolding as this place I wanted to escape but couldn't. Trying to share my fears with my parents unable to communicate what it was that scared me so much. I see it now. I see it within some children. I'm confronted with it through the walls of my house. I'm afraid of the dark because within darkness there is only me and I'm not sure what that is? How can I be? Nothing here but nothing. Me as this never ending stream of thoughts from the past. The well never dries. The only way is to shut it up. Close the tap.

Sometimes the ping-pong stops and for a brief moment it will become dark. Then there will be thoughts again. Concepts without substance. Nothing to hold on too. Me generating make believe energy in a make believe world. That's why darkness is so cool. Through all this shit called 'life' Darkness is the only constant factor. So where do I find self trust? Out there with some God or deity. Or could it be I'm overlooking the authority called Darkness that's observing patiently from deep inside? Do I have a choice? Can I let go of 'me' as what I think I am. Do I dare to face the darkness?

Being submerged in thoughts loosing myself. Stopping myself, breathing and bringing myself 'here'. Time and time again. Falling, followed by self-Judgement and shame. Repeating cycles of failure as time is ticking. Even judging time as 'dead-lines'. The more afraid I become of the future the harder it get's to move on. The experience of sharing myself, is horribly confronting and painfully embarrassing. Seeing myself and not being able to laugh about my fuckups. Taking myself way too seriously. Giving in to embarrassment. I my Ego wearing the mask of Grim Reaper scaring myself into 'shame and regret'. Great disguise Grim! Every hour every day I catch myself falling into these holographic traps made of thoughts. The blinding light of thoughts.

At least Darkness cut's the crap and shows me where it's at. I'm either here and aware or I'm again lost within the pictures as my thoughts firing like a Gatling gun. Fear of the dark is the ultimate fear of facing myself here as the unknown. I don't wan't to remain scared in the dark as noting. That's why I walk this process. The only reality I find acceptable is a reality where we all share the darkness with no fear. A reality where equality rules. I'm often scared we are not going to make it that far (Oops, afraid of the dark again).