Day-029-Another day stated

Frustration as the consequence of stress is when I allow stress and that leads to me being ineffective in whatever it is I am doing because it's not me that is in control. Instead my self sabotage is doing so within and as the stress I allow to become. It's my reactions to the backchat of self diminishment and failure. 
Like in the moment where I have simply way too much on my plate and I didn't step on the brakes. I also wasn't as effective in my self management as I could have been. I lost 'valuable' time. Time is money. My parents have planned this midweek trip to Berlin for the whole family. Under 'normal' circumstances I would be really cool with this but now I find myself here within the situation where I made a mistake and my planning went down the drain and bam there is the friction of stress as frustration. Suddenly I see where I failed to plan sufficiently and realistically. The person who would watch my dog says he's not available for the full 100% so that cost me half a day to reorganize. On top of that it will cost me 50 euro's to get my dog in a 'good' place for the days to come. That lead to an extra vaccination for the dog thus a trip to the vet which was another 3 hours. So almost a day of unplanned activity had to be squeezed into a timeframe of 3 days I had to finish a job. Even writing this blofg fills me with stress because I have to get the shit done. Thus I have been working late and becoming very tired. Tiredness with me often leads to instability where I allow myself to be even more overwhelmed and ruled by my own energetics and getting out of bed like an energized zombie where the stress hit's me as the backchat the moment I open my eyes.Because of that outflow I again find myself within the experience of stress and frustration. I'm now rushing to get things done. My breathing is higher, I'm not relaxed and I allow this tension to lock up my body making the whole experience one of mental and physical torture for myself.Stress caused me to freeze caused me to not take on what was there caused chaos caused more to manage and within seeing myself like this is the projection of failure towards myself as lack of professionalism. I'm judging myself as not directing myself effectively and within the suppression of emotions that I connect to failure as self pity is the energy produced by the friction of stress as the outflow or my allowance of frustration because I'm not succeeding or producing results in a reality that is build on that construct completely. I'm rubbing against the system and within that It's okay to be frustrated. Everyone has it once in a while. Be positive, drink a few drinks, have a good time and get on with it. Not realizing I'm simply time looping into the next trap of stress and frustration because I'm not changing methods within the way I approach my reality effectively It feels like it's not working that my my efforts are 'in vain' while in fact it's simply me allowing myself to accept failure as an option. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am who I am within the way I handle myself within and as the energetics of stress and the outflow of stress within my reality as frustration and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing that it's within allowing myself to accept frustration as part of my reality I allow self sabotage to exist thus ineffectiveness to exist.

Day-025-10.4 the 'copy cat' loop

This  is a (coincidental) follow up to
Day-024-Getting rid of headaches

Reacting too generalizations
Sometimes I catch myself within a reaction saying something a long the line of: "that's cool we should all do that" or "we should all learn from that". And I noticed that I'm not the only one doing this. Everybody I know has this particular line of code in their vocabulary. So if this phrase or reaction to our environment is common it must be part of our basic structure and operating system and by now I know that when I observe programs like these they are flag points. It's observing myself in the mirror as software looping within and as the mind instead of being here seeing myself looking in the mirror. Here I stop and breath and take a moment to reflect.

One but not the same (how is that possible?)
Within seeing myself reacting I immediately realized what I was doing. I was reacting preprogrammed like a dog barking with the pack not questioning why it is barking. Letting everybody within the pack know I was there with my particular sent and voice tonality. Arf, arf, bark, bark. Here I am the white dog with the blue eyes. 

This is me participating within the most basic form of communication and it makes me wonder about the word 'communication'.

Communication The imparting or exchanging of information or news. The successful conveying or sharing of ideas and feelings. Social contact. She gave him some hope of her return, or at least of their future communication.
ORIGIN late Middle English: from Old French comunicacion, from Latin communicatio(n-), from the verb communicare ‘to share’

See the new dictionary defenition says it's about greater understanding (software integration). The origin of the word communication dates back to the greek and theirs definition describes exactly that what it is is 'to share'. It's in fact nothing more than that. Even the word hope exists within this construct. 'Hope' and 'should'. Fruit from the same tree. So eventually it's simply sharing whatever it is that's there even a pile of bullshit. As long as it is shared and we do it together we feel accepted and safe within our 'sharing group'.

Projecting my religious assumptions
I see myself sharing and confirming my moral/religious statements as projections into the future 'we should...'. It holds no substance or relevance other than sharing a portion of my morality like a dork barking with the pack not making sense other than noise pollution as verbal diarrhea. Haleluyipikaye.

Adapting a religion as behavior within the hive
Why do I do this? What am I doing? As an example, an event takes place in my presence or I witness something while I am with other people and there is this common reaction one can have as a group. Here I witness myself as part of a pack as I silently agree too 'group protocol' and adapt group behavior, a religion with the sole purpose to gain access too another network or group solely for self interest. The hilarious part being that I'm too brainwashed to be aware of it. The leader of the pack mostly is not but that's another story.

"Yes this Bobcat and deer living together is a great example, we should learn from them"

or 

"Yes I prefer spirituality over religion as well, we should all be more spiritual"

or 

" I agree italian cars seem to have more character, the japanese should learn how to bring more character into their designs"

And so on...

Pasword, routines and program execution
So If I'm with a group of philosophers the focus will be on philosophy. Different perspectives, philosophers etc. Enough stuff to talk about and to have different opinions about and enough common demeanors to experience myself as part of a group and feel safe. With designers the pith of the matter will be focussed around design. All individuals have their set of preferences regarding design and esthetics they all more or less share the same background/education/programming. 

Within these networks I communicate about the same stuff from the past in the same dialect so to speak. Like preachers do every sunday. Preaching for and within my own church. And so I can sit with musicians and the whole evening will be filled with information about cords, amplifiers, drumheads, cymbals and the longest guitar solo ever. Photographers will talk about optical abriviation, color correction lens flare, until your head pops. It's all dead words because I'm  only sharing. I'm not producing any substance other than words. Dead words. Here I see myself producing lines of code from the past coming from the pool of information regarding design coming from the design community as the religion of design. And it's all about keeping the relationships as energy going within groups in relation too others too others etc. Indeed programs within programs with an occasional software upgrade or downgrade lol. Being with the program isn't that a much used phrase in spy thrillers? Am I in or out!

The should loop 
We should all follow Jezus. We should all love or neighbor... Should is is a shot in thin air. 'Should' is a first class fucker. I should remind myself of that lol. I could go on and on about the small details and constructs That i'm parroting from my own history books, the teachers I had and my social surroundings as the influenza of reality. The viral code I have accepted and allowed to compose a set of definitions that became my preferences on esthetics and design in general which became part of my personality as my projections towards reality as a whole. I should make this better, that faster and satisfy you more.

Focussing on the flaws (existing as a permanent critic) 
So when and as I make picture presentations of 'design' that conforms to the general religion as propagated by the authority of the elite as the group of designers as 'good design' I will immediately have judgement towards that object and within that e-value it. In my case literally energize it as enthusiasm or 'love' or hate. But it's at it's root all based on criticizing everything instead of practical enjoyment of something that's form follows function and simply functions and thus assists and supports me in doing whatever it is I have to do with it. Within that perspective I can have a look at myself as a design which I am. 

within this I see realize and understand that I apply this construct and it's mechanism unto my reality in all I do. I am permanently 'judging', evaluating and calibrating myself within my world and reality in relation to my preprogrammed religions because I fear the unknown. That which is not understood which is me. I'am literally living and projecting my past all the time! Consequently nothing 'new' will step forward nor will I be able to change who I am or what I am.

How to stop living in the past if I'm all ready dead
A phrase I heard often. "Stop living in the past". Hilariously good advice to give each other. We 'should' do that all the time agree? Mean while I refuse to change and continue to spread my historic bullshit and even worse, I'm sharing it with with my child as well culminating into this reality that is world war 3 in full blast and we are not even aware it's going on. It's everywhere and these religious projections about a reality we do not understand ourselves lying to our children and child abuse of epic proportion. Living the past in the present. Is it really that simple? If this is form follows function then the purpose our basic design must be total destruction. Because the fuckness I find myself in as this world is nothing more then a reflection of who I am in the past.

How lost I am within and as the mind. It's cool to see how I am able trough writing this shit out show myself how I operate within these parts.

Ten four out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to generalizations

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge people, objects, concepts as cool, not so cool, awful and awesome

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop myself and instead participate within judging people, objects, concepts as cool, not so cool, awful and awesome

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a dog barking with the pack

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not question myself when I go into a reaction towards reality where I judge people, objects, concepts as cool, not so cool, awful and awesome

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself because I want to be part of a group making noise and manifesting myself solely for sake of manifesting myself in order to be seen like a product on a shelf fighting for attention on the scene within the scenery

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make claims to what should be done or what I should be doing and not doing them making my words dead fish in the water not even causing a ripple in the ocean called reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge people, objects, concepts as cool, not so cool, awful and awesome in relation to laws and rules made by myself as part of the elite that define what is good and bad and wrong and right seeing realizing that I'm simply part of the polarity play out yin yanging myself trough space and time  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that the fundamental design of reality is me as polarity all the time in order to generate energy within and as these play outs judging everything within every frame I capture with my minds eye

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to Identifying myself with the outside reality instead of realizing that I'm doing this out of fear of what I might find investigating my reality within

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the phrase "Stop living in the past". Seeing realizing I myself am not able to stand as an example of that point as a whole thus becoming part of the pool of bullshit that is turning this world into the whole of pity it is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my historic bullshit as my own propaganda within and unto my relationships as these religious projections seeing realizing I'm thus becoming part of the problem instead of a solution that's best for all

http://desteni.org/
http://desteniiprocess.com/
http://eqafe.com/
http://destonians.com/

Day-006-Who am I within the word stability?

I'm having great difficulty picking myself up and then move myself towards self honest self reflection. It wasn't always like that. So is it because I start to see the true nature of who I am as ego within self reflection. Is it because I see that self reflection is not some spiritual trip but factual physical labour without any soothing or comforting elements. That self reflection in the true sense of the word means taking self responsibility for everything I have created which is an overwhelming realisation to begin with. There is no ego satisfaction within self honesty thus everything as self support now meets resistance as ego. It's the unknown for me as real physical resistance. I don't feel stable anymore because I see that stability as being able to believe I am is not real. Stability in my world is about money.

Does stability exist or is it a concept? How have I defined stability? Who am I within the word stability? The same goes for what is happening in my life. Have I defined stability as being in control? Where can stability be found? How do I create stability? 'Stability' I cannot find a better definition than 'money'. In my life in this world 'stability' equals money and because some have more than others there will never be stability thus I will never know real stability unless all are stable within the point of money. Do I want all to be stable? Yes. That's why I commit myself to an equal money system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the future within and as financial instability

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the future within the point of being self responsible for making my own money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the future within the realization I have to walk alone within the point of money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking self responsibility for my financial future

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not voice my fears about money in self honesty instead ridiculing them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not look at my fears in specificity and the places they originate from.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate my fears instead suppressing and/or ridiculing them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be self honest about my fears

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear getting sick as a consequence of suppressing fear within and as stress

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being unable to work because of being sick

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/act as more than the physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the unknown that will emerge after I let go of what I have defined myself as that is of ego

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear death as the deconstruction of my personality as my accepted believes, emotions and feelings

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the change taking place within standing up and moving myself as physical action to change my own creation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear reactions towards me as I change myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my relationships will change as I change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear looking within myself and this reality from a self honest perspective as my own creation as reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the point of taking self responsibility for what
I see as my own creation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as cold and without humbleness realizing seeing and understanding that this humbleness has to be reconstructed after I deconstruct the coping mechanism I experience as apathy within myself and this world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that wanting to be more than the physical as the mind can only happen within the mind and thus can never be real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in the concept of mind over matter seeing realizing and understanding that matter only change through words lived as physical action

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take physical action when seeing points I can change instantly by simply doing them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see and approach writing myself out as an obligation instead of a gift to self

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that seeing points to face within daily life have something to do with intellect or being smart

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that being able to apply common sense is some sort of special talent

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as stupid, not smart, dumb, and thus do not deserve to be part of the group seeing, realizing that this is self sabotage because it's within physical action where I define myself as someone who is walking with the pack or not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give to me the gift of writing myself out as a daily physical action where I confront myself with resistance in order to push trough the resistance

I see realize and understand that this is a process of action followed by action and the less 'mind' is involved the faster I will be able to walk my steps towards birthing myself as life

I commit myself to stay focussed on pushing myself towards more physical action within the point of not waisting time and being efficient

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge points within reality as small or insignificant seeing realizing and understanding that nothing is too small or insignificant if I include all and thus what is best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore physical signs of stress as pain within my body

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself or my actions as stupid or insignificant

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into distractions of the mind and within that not giving myself the one and only solution which is physical action as not accepting and allowing myself to give into distraction and fucking write myself out whatever mambo jambo it will be

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear looking at all of reality which includes my fears and uncertainties

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking responsibility for every aspect of my daily reality and to think I'm incapable of directing my life and overcoming my fears

E-Valuating my accountability

Expectations
Not so long ago I was in the company of a couple I know very well and another person. There was a conversation going that had to do with the way the business was going and the business wasn’t going to well’. The man owns a company and there was a lot of ranting and gossiping about employees and former employees. Looking at it from his perspective and a matrix standpoint I could see what was going on. The whole thing mainly had to do with ‘motivation’ and ‘responsibility’. Feeling disappointed by people. Not being able to count on or trust people etc. It’s the  standard mechanism of looking for external factors for internal problems. A mechanism I’m very familiar with. Eventually it all comes back to where it all starts and that’s taking self-responsibility. It’s fucking tough but that’s how it is.

Addressing consequences as problems
Through Desteni I finally understand what it means. ‘The response ability’. Sitting there listening to all that was said I couldn’t put my finger on the whole thing. There was this energy response within me. I noticed I took sides in the matter. I participated. So I slowed myself down took a few breaths and refocussed. Give and thee shall receive. That was what was going trough my head. We all are confronted with our own manifested consequences and I was trying to understand what lay at the base of this persons ‘problems’ with other people and therefore ‘his business’.

I mean I know people cannot be trusted before I can trust myself and apply this trust practically. Not before I establish self-trust will I be able to see what’s really going on and see people I interact with for what they are and where their actions originate from. I first have to identify these mechanisms in me before I can even start to recognize them in others. So this whole conversation became quite interesting because I found myself stepping back and almost immediately this energy within me lessened.

I sat there and tried to listen and really hear the words spoken. At one point they where talking about the functioning of one of the staff members and him being not ‘that sharp’ (anymore). In other words one is not satisfied with that person in his role or occupation. However this person happened to be ‘In love’ and so it was not ‘that bad’?

Doesn't "not that bad" mean 'less good' = unsatisfactory = less profit = will get fired in the long run. This is in reverse so "not that bad" must be a justification for something...

My first internal question was: Why is a person less accountable if he or she is in love? And what’s next? Does it matter if one is in love, has a depression or is in denial? What mental state would be considered acceptable or preferable? Apparently one is not accountable if he or she is ‘in love’. So failing from that perspective could be called a ‘crime passion-el’ or ‘Mentally not accountable’. This get’s ever more interesting.

None Sense
What’s the pattern here? Where do these justifications come from? I mean they make no sense whatsoever. There must be a set of rules and they must be socially accepted otherwise more people would get fired for being ‘emotional’ because we 'all' are. I also remembered a fears response earlier when I stated that “being in love is like having a drug problem or mental disease”. Meaning: It's addictive, it fucks you up and it makes you high”. As if I had ‘no feelings’. So cold and emotionless. How could I compare those things...

Off coarse I have feelings and emotions that’s exactly my point. Not looking at them from a self-honest perspective or blindly obeying and reacting to them is what fucked me up every time all the time. I’m getting ever more cautious in that department.

This is all about accountability. The socially accepted pressure point where one fails to do what must be done and get’s away with it. It’s completely infused in the way we act, interact and from their build our morality structures. Looking at this point I find the outcome rather devastating. We are fucking ourselves in the head with this justification shit and everybody is participating. Ranting, raving, gossiping and justifying the fact that we are actually being completely self-dishonest to a point where the whole world has become what it is right now. A horrifying bowl of quilt so big, no one dares to even look at it. I also realize that justifying shit is a tip of a huge iceberg that exists within and as me as I walk this process.