Day-029-Another day stated

Frustration as the consequence of stress is when I allow stress and that leads to me being ineffective in whatever it is I am doing because it's not me that is in control. Instead my self sabotage is doing so within and as the stress I allow to become. It's my reactions to the backchat of self diminishment and failure. 
Like in the moment where I have simply way too much on my plate and I didn't step on the brakes. I also wasn't as effective in my self management as I could have been. I lost 'valuable' time. Time is money. My parents have planned this midweek trip to Berlin for the whole family. Under 'normal' circumstances I would be really cool with this but now I find myself here within the situation where I made a mistake and my planning went down the drain and bam there is the friction of stress as frustration. Suddenly I see where I failed to plan sufficiently and realistically. The person who would watch my dog says he's not available for the full 100% so that cost me half a day to reorganize. On top of that it will cost me 50 euro's to get my dog in a 'good' place for the days to come. That lead to an extra vaccination for the dog thus a trip to the vet which was another 3 hours. So almost a day of unplanned activity had to be squeezed into a timeframe of 3 days I had to finish a job. Even writing this blofg fills me with stress because I have to get the shit done. Thus I have been working late and becoming very tired. Tiredness with me often leads to instability where I allow myself to be even more overwhelmed and ruled by my own energetics and getting out of bed like an energized zombie where the stress hit's me as the backchat the moment I open my eyes.Because of that outflow I again find myself within the experience of stress and frustration. I'm now rushing to get things done. My breathing is higher, I'm not relaxed and I allow this tension to lock up my body making the whole experience one of mental and physical torture for myself.Stress caused me to freeze caused me to not take on what was there caused chaos caused more to manage and within seeing myself like this is the projection of failure towards myself as lack of professionalism. I'm judging myself as not directing myself effectively and within the suppression of emotions that I connect to failure as self pity is the energy produced by the friction of stress as the outflow or my allowance of frustration because I'm not succeeding or producing results in a reality that is build on that construct completely. I'm rubbing against the system and within that It's okay to be frustrated. Everyone has it once in a while. Be positive, drink a few drinks, have a good time and get on with it. Not realizing I'm simply time looping into the next trap of stress and frustration because I'm not changing methods within the way I approach my reality effectively It feels like it's not working that my my efforts are 'in vain' while in fact it's simply me allowing myself to accept failure as an option. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am who I am within the way I handle myself within and as the energetics of stress and the outflow of stress within my reality as frustration and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing that it's within allowing myself to accept frustration as part of my reality I allow self sabotage to exist thus ineffectiveness to exist.

Day-024-Getting rid of headaches

The spark of life faces death
The way I see myself behave in relation to feeling positive or negative and the way others perceive me within doing so. This is what popped up as I was reading a blog today. Also an image of a heavily mutulated man after an accident I saw on FB kept popping. I felt quite 'heavy' this week.

So i'm looking at myself and my behavior captured within a moment of time where someone else is experiencing me in a certain way according to my voice tonality and my general expression. How do I experience myself within this observation.

I see myself getting up in the morning day after day with a serious case of morning sickness although pretending/acting out that I am emotionally 'stable' and seemingly unaffected by what is going on in my life and the world in general at the moment. Suppressing the hell out of what I really feel.

Waking up from the unconscious into the conscious and into reality can be a nightmare. So within my life within all I have accepted and allowed to happen and all I did to create my reality I also created this believe that I am who I am when I wake up. But who the fuck is that person waking up? Is it me simply here? Apparently not because I see myself wake up and for all I know I could be on drugs. And I keep reminding myself that hormones are drugs so me waking up is like a drug cartel waking up.

So what are mood swings? What is morning sickness? What is a depression? When I wake up I notice aches and pains, tiredness, anxiety, resistance. That whole spectrum of emotions and feelings as I become aware and see the picture carousel that starts too spin. I hear myself sigh as I sit up straight and stretch myself. I moan as I get up and feel my knees that need bearing replacement. Before I have my first coffee I already did this whole play of emotional responses and the only one sharing these scenes is my dog who does not seem to have these reactions towards reality.

How long have I been taking this character experience of myself for granted as who I am in the morning waking up. I'm starting to look at what is here as me within those moments. It's rather funny too observe. Especially when waking up with someone else beside me.

And this I find fascinating because as the mind I will always walk into that shitload of thoughts, emotions and feelings that are by definition there to distract me from the now as I wake up in the morning. Reality and all that has to be done to stay on top of the game is the perfect distraction from the experience of myself within. Giving myself perfect 'reasons' to give in to the ever present seduction of stepping back within myself. Hide myself within whatever construct of depression, seclusion and self pity I can come up with. And within reality it's one of the most accepted ways of getting of the hook.

I'm sorry I'm not feeling it...

Feeling things seems to become the new religion in this world. Either you feel it or you don't. Sorry won't be there, not feeling it? You make me feel sad? Why? Don't know but you make me feel sad and so forth.

Ronald Reagan ones said that recession is when something bad happens to your neighbor. Depression is when it happens to you. Within my daily reality I'm constantly exposed too and participating within these patterns and play outs. Although I see realize and understand that I'm not my depressions I'm still the creator of them within my participation and reactions towards my daily reality in the same way I create the 'look at it from the bright site motherfucker' and everything in between.

It's a strange and sometimes bitter experience to walk with myself within this world that is a reflection of me. How can I not be affected by the sheer fuckup I find myself in? So from one perspective there is nothing to be positive about and from the other perspective there is nothing to be negative about. Whatever way one look at it, what remains is me here observing myself within and as these expressions and morning sickness being one of the most interesting ones.

The moment I start interacting with other people it becomes clear. I'm balancing my scales. Within the participation with other people the subtle differences on the '+-' scale between us start to show. They show me how others perceive me and expect me to behave as a fellow human being. Within that I have heard remarks like: You look tired are you OK? You sound sad is something wrong? Where is that spark of life within you? Cheer up? These points seem to relate to some sort of invisible scale of reference.

Tired versus energetic
Sad versus happy
Spark of life versus the dark hole of death
Cheer up versus talked down

What I find fascinating is that invisible scale we created. A scale of reference that's part of the propaganda system of the power principle that bombards us with imagery of sex, love, happiness and success within this world. Where I permanently measure my state of happiness in relation to the scale.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge everything I do to an invisible scale

More to come

Day-016-Highway exit strategy's and the 'My way' Character

I was driving as a passenger in a car. We where on the freeway driving up to my place. As we got to about 20 miles from where I live I saw a familiar exit sign. Now this particular exit is the one I would 'normally' use myself when driving home. So without reflecting or checking myself in relation to the moment and person I was with. I hear myself say; "we can exit the freeway here as well".

Almost instantly my backchat kicked in; "Damn that was automated, I did not consult my companion in the matter, I'm such a fool, I'm doing it again, I'm fucking up" etc. All this happening in a split second. Not realizing that what I was doing was not cool and as always when something is fear related, this energy surge manifests in my stomach area.

My reaction to that road sign was totally automated and somehow I saw I was fucking with myself. At the last moment and already next to the exit I confront the driver with the point of having to make a split second decision. Confused by this sudden pressure the driver exit's the freeway. By now I know there is no way back and my mind shit is starting to hit the fan as I'm cramping up.

Looking back I can see myself suppressing this feeling of 'being wrong' before I can blink my eyes and within and as the mind start to produce justifications and arguments why taking this exit is 'no problem'.

Within 'no problem' is me having 'a problem'. 

So here I find myself going full retard again and I'm starting to see that I'm existing like this reactive behavior 99% of my time. Being already next to and almost past the exit gave the driver of the car only a few seconds to respond to my suggestion. I'm forcing a person into a situation I myself would feel pushed or stressed and that is not acceptable. It makes no sense whatsoever.

It then hit me that this person stated more than once not liking this particular route to my place and rather drive on the freeway. Subconsciously I thus already knew this whole thing was me creating this moment to create friction between me and he other person (succeedding flawlessly).

Within this I witness myself going into several self righteous ego–trips justifying my suggestion. My impulsive/compulsive reaction to the sign on the freeway is without any self reflexion or taking the other person into consideration. Confronting the other person with my mind possession is only about me.

So now I find myself in the car with someone within this energy play-out and at the same time I find myself suppressing my feelings of guild because I'm the one responsible for what is happening and the strangest thing is that instead of sharing myself and apologize for my behavior I start diminishing the problem with my arguments. This indicates that it's only about creating energy.

If I would have been self honest and self aware I could have asked the driver 5 minutes before the exit if it would be ok for this once to exit the freeway at this specific point. The answer would probably still be no, but the play out would have been different. End of story. Within this I see it's about getting things 'my way' no matter how small or seemingly insignificant the point. It's about competing instead of being equal.

I see myself participating and interacting within the world and people around me as a reactive mind. Reacting to my own projections instead of being here and aware of my participation within reality.

Reacting to that road sign was nothing more than a program I allowed to start running my life instead of being self directive within that moment. I ask myself how it is possible to live a life in this state of being not aware why and how I'm creating my own reality? It implicates that almost everything I do is not real and it thus starts with bringing myself here within every breath.

Another point is that being together with another person intensifies these realizations because I'm generally on my own and don't get that much feedback. The last week was spend with another person and within that the experience of myself changes drastically. To see myself go through the daily experience of myself as the mind creating behavior within these seemingly 'normal' daily matters without being self aware is such stupidity. At the same time I see this is a process that has to be walked day by day, step by step, breath by breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape reality within and as the mind and have an automated response to a road sign along the freeway not seeing realizing that I'm playing a trick on myself in order to create friction thus energy to keep me enslaved within and as the mind as this addiction to energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drift of into my mind and not remain here as me as breath being on the freeway seeing a road sign thus allowing myself to become reactive and change the outflow of events at the cost of another being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take another person into consideration and put stress and pressure on that person forcing the person to make a split second decision realizing that within this I'm actually seeking conflict thus charging the winner looser program creating unnecessary consequences that forces us to time loop al the points realized.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress this feeling of guilt knowing I just deliberately manipulated another person into taking a decision because I wanted things to go my way and within that allow myself to manipulate myself through using false arguments to justify my behavior

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see/realize that it's unacceptable to abuse others through manipulation in order to get things to go my way.

I commit myself to identify and irradiate these automated reactions and characters I create allowing myself to miss moments in time thus creating backdoors for myself where things can go my way as the ego trick of the winner wanting to win as a gambler addicted to the game, starting new games regardless the consequences and without stopping myself within and as the addiction to energy and take into consideration what's best for all within the given situation.

I commit myself to establish through continuos effort of bringing myself here as breath, gift myself the gift of being self directive within not missing a moment thus an opportunity to sabotage myself as the manipulator as my mind that always wants to win by screwing things up for myself and others thus waisting everyone's time

I commit myself to identify the patterns of self sabotage I use to sabotage my process of becoming self aware as me as breath here in every moment.