Day-034-My time with the special forces

As a child I enjoyed playing war-games. Why this is so is another story. This is about how I ended up with the special forces and the things we did as 'force multipliers'. The term special forces is a description for people who when combined become from a strategic perspective capable of performing very complex mostly covert missions behind enemy lines. 

We confuse the enemy, disrupt communications and are often capable of altering the scene on the battlefield. The strength is not firepower per definition. Its firepower combined with stamina, consistency, originality, surprise, speed, intelligence, psychology, know how and strategic overview. Manipulators capable of disturbing the so called 'normal' flow of things. 

Units are a combined gathering of talents and although composed out of specialists everybody in the unit is more or less capable of performing al tasks creating a bit of redundancy and resistance to failure. There is an aura of specialness but in reality it's simply a clever combination and form of people management. The rest is made in Hollywood by Mad Men, as we all know.

So a relatively small group like this can become very influential on the battlefield. Maybe that's why I enjoyed playing war games as a child. The hide and seek, improvisation, creativity and physical challenges. 

There is however a big difference between this playfulness and the hars reality of a real special forces unit. The mission objectives are always dictated by global politics and that means I will eventually be bound by rules of engagement. These rules can drastically reduce my options within my unit's missions on the battlefield. That's why we are trained to not ask questions but to execute. That's what we do. We execute and we will try to do that as efficient as possible and to the best of our abilities as a team. Time is money in the business. 

The whole honor thing is absolute hollywood bullshit. We get medals but are not allowed to wear them in public. We do not die for king and country. We die for our brothers on the team because we are are trained like that. If you spend more time with your buddies than with your wife and kids the bonds get very intimate and strong and you don't let your buddies down. The mission always comes first. Business before boobs.

The rush of executing highly complex missions under great pressure and being able to get this done as a team is addictive. The specific demands create a lot of adrenaline and that makes it very addictive. To get to a certain level requires a lot of training where one will make long days a lot of days. Hard to chew at times but getting the business done under the nose of the enemy under extreme stress is an overwhelming experience. Outsmarting the enemy is eventually what it's all about.

Being in a special forces unit has it's privileges. We operate in the system but always behind the scenes. So like our uniforms we are not bound by the regular rules and scrutiny of the company's doctrine. Our outfit is mostly mission specific and so is the equipment we use. Anything as long as we get the fucking job done fast and effectively. And although we are relatively expensive to operate the choice to use a good spec ops team mostly has a high return on investment.

The downside of being an operative in the business is that we don't have long careers. Most operatives do business between 21-40 years of age. After that it becomes very hard. So either you have some incentives going or you land yourself an intelligence or consultancy job. So like a professional soccer player you have to plan your career carefully otherwise you end up with a lot of specific experience that will be kind of worthless in normal life. 

It's really hard to adjust to 'normal' life if you are used to being in the company. It's an addiction and a lot of guys become very depressed and have a really hard time integrating back into normal life. Apart from living with the permanent imagery of the worst shit this world has to offer also few outside the company understand what is going on in the shadows of this world. And almost nobody gives a shit. That's why we don't care about politics or queen or country. In the end it doesn't matter because a bullet is a bullet wherever it lands. 

Every innocent person that dies because we have more firepower is our responsibility as a society but no one seems to realize that our presence in the world is a representation of us as a society that means everybody! The strange thing is that people are often very curious about the work we do and how we do it but they never seem to be interested in the nitty gritty. The why we are here in the first place and who deploys us.

Only the haters, the conspiracy theorists, and activists seem to have something to say but most of them bark up the wrong tree collectively. I cannot say all I want to say here because most of it is classified and boring to be honest but if there is one thing I have learned in al those years it's that we are all responsible for what happens in the world by our daily acceptance and allowances. 

It's all economics that decide where and if we operate. The global future of our deployment is decided by consumers today because the world has become geo political. Buying my daughter a teddybear means I have blood on my hands these days.

We have so much money to our disposal and battlefield strategies are not rocket science. We have become so methodical that there are often multiple scenario's unfolding simultaneously which makes it even harder for the enemy to counter what we do. But routine also leads to more collateral damage because routine leads to mistakes. Decision makers start operating on their emotions and are often manipulated by higher forces. Democracy as such does not exist. Killing people is eventually self interest period.

Most of my colleagues work for private companies that make shit loads of money operating on the edge of and often above the law. The mission objective is always the same. Create chaos and confusion. In that way we create an alibi for intervention. That intervention means running the show so someone else can profit from it. By profit I mean money. 

If intelligence does it's work, if strategy does it's work, if counter intelligence does it's work, if aggression does it's work, if all work together, executing missions, launching campaigns, guerrilla tactics, acceptable loss, ammunition, e-warfare. We talk about targets, strategic plans, central command, our mission objectives, return on investment and winning wars. Sound familiar?

To take it back to playing war games as a kid. I wanted to win and I wanted to 'feel' special. I ended up in marketing and advertising operations because that made me sort of special. One of the creatives. The ones that are special. 

The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. Not fond of rules. No respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They invent. They imagine. They heal. They explore. They create. They inspire. They push the human race forward. Maybe they have to be crazy. While some see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.

You see, before you know I'm quoting an Apple commercial. I probably felt so desperately inferior that I had to prove something to myself so I ended up working in advertising and marketing. Mainly advertising though and being responsible for creating imagery. The suits that are worn by the corporate story. I'm one of those guys that say  Zero sugar but keeps his mouth shut about the aspartame. That's the deal. It's up to you to prove me wrong but you won't. 

The fact I choose to burry myself in the corporate clusterfuck put me in some rather special ops teams and often gave me an insiders view on how easy it is to manipulate the masses by sending one of the teams to execute some creative strategy. It's amazing to see how creative people get If you paid them to do so. Investigate and you will find that a warroom is exactly the same as the boardroom. No difference whatsoever. Generals become CEO's, CEO's become politicians, Politicians become CEO's and we are al shareholders by allowing this bullshit to run reality as it unfolds.

Next time you watch the news and you hear whatever spokesperson talking about whatever, just pay attention to the words they choose. They will speak the battlefield language because marketing is war and we all commit to our duty on the battlefield. Over and out.

Day-033-"Friendliness the disease"

Within DIP Lite I was looking at the word 'friendly' and how I have lived this word. And it always amazes me how much opens up if I start to look at a single word and how multi dimensional words are. If you are interested in language the Desteni material will blow you out of your socks. It's possible to write about a single word into infinity because in a holographic way a word represents all words. It triggers the question why we have the abc in the first place?

So here I see within one word multiple dimensions of how I can live and have lived the word 'friendly'. Friendly as a form of manipulation because I want to be liked. Even being unfriendly. Because telling someone to fuck of shows very clearly that I am very specific about who I want to be friendly with. It's about personal preference thus 100% self interest.

Being liked and earn affection is one of the first things we learn. It's the tool to get things my way. The friendly rivalry is always there because it's what shapes this reality. It does not stand alone because it's part of the play out within relationships within all groups. It can be explicit competition like a dog wrestle. But it will still be rivalry and it boils down to and finds its origin in self interest. I can trace that back very easily to the observation I made as a child. Manipulation was something I learned so I only have to look at the origin of my education to find the friendly lie. The soothing voice of my mother that says it's ok to cry as I am manipulating the hell out of her.

How far am I willing to go to get what I want? It's like in mediaeval times and how the dutch where able to do business in japan while the rest got their heads chopped off. The dutch bent over backwards, went on their knees and licked the boots of a shogun as long as they got their business deals. They didn't care about keeping up appearance. They took on the 'friendly' appearance that got them the most results and that's it. They where well dressed but pirates nevertheless. The japanese liked the dutch. They where humble and friendly as long as you where not a slave or a boat that was entered because they where the bankers of their time and build their wealth and kingdom on the basic rule of the trade that people have to like you first before you become able to fuck them up the arse. In that perspective friends are the foes you do business with.

Any-a thing / Many-a things / Make-a thing / Mark-a thing / Marketing

It's the biggest blind spot I had in my life and one of the major points of frustration in daily life. Why didn't I see this before? This system operates to a very simple rule. And it's this rule in combination with ice-cold lifelong consistency that makes 'matter' come 'our' way. There is no place for playfulness or a celebration of life within getting what I want. Being friendly in its current expression is the blinding smile of deception and the foundation of this 'financial' reality. I'm a puppy fighting for a nipple in total denial.

If I want to be in a favorable position I must be that perfect picture. That friendly, humble and serviceable person that pops up in the mind of the right person. Strangely enough it's basic rules of advertising and I never wanted to see that they applied to myself as well. Such stupidity.

Like I said, a MAJOR blind spot. Then there is the belonging to and finding oneself in an alliance of some sort. Where one becomes supported by the group because I have now proven my alliance trough my actions within and as self sacrifice as a donation to the group. And this applies to all groups. My battle scars will get a certain status. The more medals the more status. From being in a street gang to being a member of the board or a wolf in a pack. It's all the same shit and I will abuse my own children out of fear of fading from the grid. I understand that change can only come from myself as my actions because no one wants to 'hear' this. There is no friendly way to tell it!

It's problematic when one sees that there is only one group in fact which is 'LIFE'. Simultaneously I find myself in a reality that doesn't change because I don't change. A reality that is split into an overwhelming number of groups. As a child I will have to merge with one or more of those groups. It's my goddamn 'social structure'. A structure that is always classifiable by the money god that rules that specific group. No income is the ultimate failure in the system and it means there is only one group left. The opposites the underdogs, the losers.

Belonging to the ones that don't belong means suffering beyond belief and because that is everyones worst fear we defend our positions of self interest at the cost of all 'life'. It makes us teach our children to live the lie and speed up the process of destruction even more. Isn't that the worst child abuse imaginable?

I lived the word friendly in multiple dimensions and few are genuine self honest expressions. Friendliness has the potential of being every act that stands for absolute oness and equality as what is best for all life. To walk the message of jesus and to do unto my neighbor as I would do unto myself. The friction with present reality is that one will (like jesus) have to friendly say no to a lot of 'things' and one will not have a lot of friendly things to say. I will crucify myself isn't it?

SO the word friendly is very much here to be redefined into an understanding of what true friendliness in the best interest of all entails. I have a long way to go.

Day-031-"hiding in the shed"

I want to change direction professionally and to do that I have to find a new way and expand on my existing area of expertise. I know about marketing, advertising, branding, photography and I have always 'loved' everything that involved bikes. More specifically mountain bikes. So if someone would ask me what I would love to do most proffesionally? It would be working in or around the bike industry. To me the bicycle is the best mechanical invention ever. Riding a bike even in its most simple form gives one a direct physical experience of every mechanical law in nature. In it's raw form it has no more parts than it needs to function. Using the same force as it would take one to simply walk, a bike  moves you 4 times faster. 

I was pondering on these perspectives as I was looking back on my career and I noticed that I had a few opportunities a long the way that could have been life changers but I did not use one. Not one! I kind of blocked those memories. Due to my present situation these images came up and forced me to take a self honest look at why I did not use those opportunities at the time and why I find it so extremely hard to get myself moving towards self change within these point.

Primarily it was fear. I remember the first time an advertising agency contacted me as I was just moving from on job to the other. Everything was already sort of arranged and more importantly I had a new relationship going with a girl in that new town I was moving to. Nevertheless I talked to the guys from the agency and looking back I see myself behaving cocky and arrogant. I was in a safe position to behave like that so like most overconfident 25 year olds I did. Hormones and a complete lack of humility probably.

They made me a great offer and I refused. Why?  Maybe because I already had a new job and most importantly a relationship. Relationships are the best way to distract one from reality. Furthermore their job would mean taking full responsibility for 2 brands. Two clients where I would have full creative responsibility for end results. So beneath al the bravura I was actually scared shitless, suppressed that fear and took on that cocky arrogant character. I moved away from Arnhem and landed in an office where I would eventually experience a burn out. The offer I got in Arnhem would have landed me with one of the biggest bike brands in Holland at the time. It would have given me the opportunity to meet people in the bike industry, build a network and move from there. WTF was I thinking....

This was not the first time I saw myself do this. My whole life is filled with moments where a seemingly simple decision means a different direction that completely alters ones coarse in life. Small moments big effects. A moment, that would require a little risk and pushing myself to learn a few new skills or fail within it. That's all I had to do. But I didn't and I choose to remain in my comfort zone. A zone where less opportunity presents itself. In retrospect I can say that less opportunities will start to present themselves and the route will become more dusty and less profitable as one gets older.

The past week I noted somewhere I was 'mindless' within not taking the risk of failure at the same time creating a change to grow and learn something new.

So the prime point here was taking risks... 

Interesting, in my upbringing taking risks especially those with financial consequence where considered 'mindless'. And since the first startup I was part off was not a success I sort of surrendered to that believe. But what I saw was that the way I generally use the word 'mindless' actually means the opposite? In general we tend to use the word 'mindless' when our behavior or that of someone else is not thought out. In other words someone is doing things without planning or a pre determined strategy. 

Look at how often we speak to our children like that. "Stop that mindless bullshit and so forth". However... Observing myself and my behavior as my mind and what I have accepted and allowed and decided to become as such gives a whole new meaning to the word 'mindless'.

Never in my thinking existence have I ever been mindless. In fact all my actions derive from myself as my mind even in my sleep in my dreams is it me as the mind that occupies my being. So from that perspective it's rather pathetic to judge myself or other peoples behavior as mindless because it simply never is, not even when we sleep.

I did not write for quite some time. I just didn't. Yuk! Fed up with being confronted with the vastness of these points at the moment. Normally I would say I'm depressed but what's a depression more than giving myself another reason to do nothing about it. 

I fear change and I fear changing myself. There it is. At the same time I must. The illusions of backdoors are gone there are no more exits. Like the banking system the facts are here for me to face. I'm also having these strange lower back problems. So something is happening at my base so to speak. I find it very hard to keep my back straight at the moment.

I can stabilize myself a little by doing sports so I started doing sports again and that involves a bike. My old bike was in pieces so I looked what was lying around and enjoyed building a bike from the materials I had and getting everything dialed inn. Being in my shed working with my hands calms me down. It helps me to stabilize and remain in the moment with what I'm physically doing. I also started training again on a regular basis to support my back. I have some indicators to why my back behaves like it does. Besides the psychosomatic causes there is the simple physical fact I have been sitting behind a desk my whole working life. So that's another thing I want to change. As little desk as possible.

Anyway looking back I was judging myself and my behavior in the past as reckless and mindless. Reckless-mindless. Where did that judgement come from? In sports I took risks (reckless). In my career I didn't (mindless). But isn't it strange that I use these thought constructs and eventually end up and decide to follow the path to self diminishment. So perhaps instead of mindless it's the opposite. It's within my participation as the mind I determine my actions. It's all mined from my mind.

So from that perspective there is no action in this world that can be mindless. Then it would be mindless thus without self interest. A long time ago as I sat in yoga class doing my best to become 'mindless' and enlightened it was in fact the realms of my mind I was exploring. There is no way out!

In that sense yes, being lost in and as the mind is an out of body experience but more as total denial of the body/this physical reality. If not for the fact that the same mind mines the body for energy thus holding the body enslaved thus cannot allow itself to leave. I suppose it would be possible to go nuts on purpose and become a famous mummy. Or set yourself on fire or something. History has plenty of examples of minds that do crazy shit in order to get attention.

Interesting the behavior I address as mindlessness is in fact always a point of self interest. Doing what I want to do whatever the consequence. Ego-nomics of some sort. Getting it according to my will and not take anything or anyone in consideration. How genius to call people 'mindless'. It completely camouflages my own responsibility of seeing a mind at work and instead of doing something about it I judge it. By doing so I'm in fact judging myself. Wether I'm a binge drinker, a heroine addict or an adrenaline crazy sports fanatic or soldier in Afghanistan. Calling myself or others mindless is acknowledgement of seeing the mind in action and not taking responsibility for it. 

Looking at myself I can say for sure that the most crappy shit I pull in life requires total denial of the physical reality meaning to lie to myself with absolute involvement of my mind especially in close collaboration with other minds because that makes my lies and behavior more acceptable and less conspicuous.

Eventually I find myself integrated with this bullshit to a point I start to identify with it as myself thus becoming the bullshit. And that's how I felt the last weeks. Slowly sinking back and very ashamed as part of all the bullshit and making it worse by allowing myself to sink further instead of giving myself some clarity about what I was doing. Writing it down in whatever way. I failed big time.

And it's within these small observations of using a word like 'mindless' I find a small peace of the nasty reality that I co create as the mind. True mindlessness would imply common sense and taking full responsibility for my physical reality in self honesty. I can say that that is something I proofed to myself once again how difficult this process can be at times. Ok I'm writing again but that does not change the fact that there is a lot on my list that makes me rather green around the nose. I created all of my reality based on assumptions coming from my mind. This can't be trusted meaning I have to take responsibility for it. Looting evolves from my mind that's why my evolution is nothing more than a story about robbing and steeling. I am an evil looter and I can see it because mindlessness does not exist until this reality become one as a reality that is not of mind.

The resistance to physical action towards writing myself out is really intense at the moment. It's kind of painful to see how much bullshit I'm is able to create in a few weeks. It's overwhelming at times to see that I really think and behave solely as mind not able to stop myself, completely controlled by the patterns and habits because I stopped writing. These few words kind of feel like an attempt to come out of my shed.

Day-029-Another day stated

Frustration as the consequence of stress is when I allow stress and that leads to me being ineffective in whatever it is I am doing because it's not me that is in control. Instead my self sabotage is doing so within and as the stress I allow to become. It's my reactions to the backchat of self diminishment and failure. 
Like in the moment where I have simply way too much on my plate and I didn't step on the brakes. I also wasn't as effective in my self management as I could have been. I lost 'valuable' time. Time is money. My parents have planned this midweek trip to Berlin for the whole family. Under 'normal' circumstances I would be really cool with this but now I find myself here within the situation where I made a mistake and my planning went down the drain and bam there is the friction of stress as frustration. Suddenly I see where I failed to plan sufficiently and realistically. The person who would watch my dog says he's not available for the full 100% so that cost me half a day to reorganize. On top of that it will cost me 50 euro's to get my dog in a 'good' place for the days to come. That lead to an extra vaccination for the dog thus a trip to the vet which was another 3 hours. So almost a day of unplanned activity had to be squeezed into a timeframe of 3 days I had to finish a job. Even writing this blofg fills me with stress because I have to get the shit done. Thus I have been working late and becoming very tired. Tiredness with me often leads to instability where I allow myself to be even more overwhelmed and ruled by my own energetics and getting out of bed like an energized zombie where the stress hit's me as the backchat the moment I open my eyes.Because of that outflow I again find myself within the experience of stress and frustration. I'm now rushing to get things done. My breathing is higher, I'm not relaxed and I allow this tension to lock up my body making the whole experience one of mental and physical torture for myself.Stress caused me to freeze caused me to not take on what was there caused chaos caused more to manage and within seeing myself like this is the projection of failure towards myself as lack of professionalism. I'm judging myself as not directing myself effectively and within the suppression of emotions that I connect to failure as self pity is the energy produced by the friction of stress as the outflow or my allowance of frustration because I'm not succeeding or producing results in a reality that is build on that construct completely. I'm rubbing against the system and within that It's okay to be frustrated. Everyone has it once in a while. Be positive, drink a few drinks, have a good time and get on with it. Not realizing I'm simply time looping into the next trap of stress and frustration because I'm not changing methods within the way I approach my reality effectively It feels like it's not working that my my efforts are 'in vain' while in fact it's simply me allowing myself to accept failure as an option. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am who I am within the way I handle myself within and as the energetics of stress and the outflow of stress within my reality as frustration and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing that it's within allowing myself to accept frustration as part of my reality I allow self sabotage to exist thus ineffectiveness to exist.

Day-028-The stress of dying slowly

Today within DIP lite I had to work with the word stress and the fact is that I am stressed. My experience within my reality is one of stress where I find myself in a dog eat dog world ruled by lies and fear and fight for profit being one of the lucky fuckers with a roof over my head and a toilet to shit in.

I'm working in the field of advertising and marketing and at no point is it more clear what it is we are doing to ourselves within the point of stress. Through creating bullshit out of nothing and relate back to that bullshit as if it where real and than become really fucking scared when we are confronted with our self created imagery. Within this I have alway realized that I am one of all that walk the streets naked under my clothing. I see and realize that I am packaged and labeled.

I'm too thick, thin, negative, positive, stupid, smart, bad, good. All based on referencing myself to messages that are referencing themselves to me which is the market-thing the ultimate bullshit. Within that I have become over impulsed by my own subliminal stroboscope. 

Within this I see and realize that I'm actually stressed all the time. I become aware of it more and more. The way I exist as energetics and how the I interact with my reality as these energetic responses coming from me as my stored software. My systems of 'intelligence' that forms my personality within how I act and interact within my relationships. This information is who I am so never fucking trust me ok?

If the question is how I live stress than that's primarily like everyone else. As the strain of life instead of life support. The stress of eating myself and die slowly.

I don't have a clou about my reality so underneath it all must 'lie' primal fear, existential fear, fear of death. Within this I accept myself as fearful which implies that I'm full of fear. I have done some crazy stuff in my life so I have experienced some fearful moments and I have seen the whole emotional play out my mind will attach to it. The whole thing is a virtual play out in my head. It's not real. But it has consequences that are real because I will create a relationship and evaluate these events with an emotional charge. Through time these string of events I created created me. The guy you have children with, or call daddy or whatever. A being full of emotions full of himself and it all relates back to fear.

A situation I walk into is a senso-motoric moment where I ask my computer to access my database of dealership. All I'm aware of (and not aware off) is than related back in time to these memory banks full of comparable situations to give me a context in which to place the situation I find myself in. Every 'bit' of input that is not in my relational database will trigger a warning/fear. 

However slight it might be, It's always related to the unknown or lack of 'intelligence' knocking around as fear in my head hahaha. 

So that's my experience of stress as fear from hardly noticeable via a sick feeling in the stomach too complete and utter possession where the fear makes me shift within my own body. Where I physically freeze up. Where everything sort of stops. Also called a panic attack. Where I become the  fear. And what happens when the fear takes over? Fascinating shit.

So what is that I'm observing as these shifts within my body when I'm experiencing myself as stress. Could it be that I'm finally starting to see how I exist in this reality within a moment when I'm not my thoughts and emotions?

What happens when I zap a computer? It will freeze up. What happens when I disturb the flow of software running too the processor? My computer will glitch. It's in between these freeze ups where I see a reality I have never seen before. Within this I see and realize I have never been aware of the fact that the stress is not me but energy produced by the mind I accept and allow to be me. 

And what is interesting is that although I'm aware of myself as it takes place I never seem to be able to stop the fear. It's a 'feeling' of hopelessness which clearly indicates I'm giving up to some construct of hope and hope does not play ball. At this point I see myself in awareness of the fact that I'm ruled by thoughts, emotions and feelings and there is not yet another platform to operate from. It's this instability and nothing to hold on too in my head that is the biggest fear of all which is the end of me which is death.

I have allowed myself to program my whole being as who I am in word and deed within this structure and it's this structure that manifests my reality. That's how I live stress. It's the permanent background noise of fear. It's observing myself as every little refraction towards reality instead of being physically here in my reality. It's this never-ending stream of information pouring from my mind I so desperately want to believe is me. I knowing that that it is not the case but as a friend sad to me a lot of times "knowing is not enough".

That's the biggest point of stress I deal with on a daily bases. 

Seeing realizing that I'm a lie. That the words I speak are seldom a living statement and that observing myself in self honesty shows me that we all do this.

That's why I experience this reality as overwhelming sometimes. I had that since I was a kid. I literally lost my mind somewhere. These kind of realizations used to scare the shit out of me and that's a 'good' thing because. Within that I see realize and understand that the only way to get rid of stress is to stand with it as I am as the one accepting and allowing it to be me and to forgive myself for ending up in this version of myself. 

I could go on and on bout the different sorts of stress but the fact of the matter is that all I am in this world is a mind ruling a body that's participating within relationships that are based one positive and negative energy and in between the two is the induction called stress. The ultimate destruction. The degree too which I am aware of myself within this point is very much related to willing myself to remain here and face the fear. I became a fucker so I lived stress as a fucker. My former colleagues will agree.

Day-026-my need for greed

From my present perspective I have started to live the word greed since the first time I wanted the bigger piece of a cookie when my mother would brake it in half. That first moment I heard myself say "but his part is bigger than mine". That's greed to me. Mine! Mining for satisfaction of self interest. Always and only at the cost of others. The opposite can be greed as well. Where I pity myself and manipulate people into helping me. Where my behavior turns parasitic instead of predatorily. Where I lean on the crutches of others so to speak.The word 'greedy' has an old English / Germanic origin. In Dutch we say 'gretig' which means 'eager' which can easily be mistaken with enthusiasm. And that's how I primarily lived and projected greed into the world. My enthusiasm, 'my into me I am'. If I wanted something I became eager to get it and as a child I already learned how to manipulate by copying the principles from my parents and I saw greed in everyone. The word greed was simply a description of behavior like so many others. It never raised any real questions. It was simply something that everybody did and it was how the world I accepted functioned.I was introduced and started to see more perspective within the whole construct of greed as I went to school which was a catholic school and I heard all the bible stories. So as I got home and my mother told me I shouldn't eat so fast/greedy it made no sense to me. To me being hungry and having an apatite had nothing to do with Cain and Able.Within that context the concept of 'sharing things with others' is part of every parents vocabulary and morality construct within raising their children. It's an exact copy of what my parents said. But no parent lives his or her own words within it. So what can we expect of a child? I heard it often until it became part of my background noise. I had my own priorities for I was greedy. Share your toys, the playground, play together, share the fun, be nice. Fuck! Share the so called peace. Yeah whatever you fucking hypocrites. And there you have the arrogance of puberty. The freaked out pubic anger attack. Where every parent get's his or her last chance to look in the mirror before it cracks and shatters the fairytale of parenting children in a world where all parents live greedy ever after. My child before your child whatever happens. Go and reproduce ye little ones.As far as I can see that whole concept of greed existed within me as the polarity between selfishness  and generosity. Where greed became my primal motivation to become top dog and generosity the way to manipulate others to remain in position. Not understanding both mechanisms so essentially I was clueless and fucked myself oblivious. That's another story though.Giving is an investment and receiving the pay out. One can pretend to give unconditionally but it doesn't take a scientist to see how we live this principle as we create our reality as the human species trough it. And primarily that's how I see myself reflected back into this reality where I live out my greed as self interest within all my actions. That's like becoming my own corporation.Within that I see and realize that the concept of giving as I would like to receive made no sense because it was never explained to me into specificity what this equation entails. My parents and teachers like the ones before had no other option then to follow their preprogrammed path of destruction.Within that I see and realize that I have never done anything without wanting something for it in return. If I found a sick animal and brought it to the vet I thought I did it out of compassion. But I also wanted to get rid of a potential feeling of guild without remorse. I programmed myself to think that it was my moral obligation to act. Where did that come from? O yes education and religion. Good and bad and so on. I was educated and already part of a living reality based on winning and loosing, power versus weakness, hard versus soft, strategic intelligence versus lack of information, men versus animal. I see that not bringing the wounded animal to the vet might have caused me to feel guilty. In order to invest in feeling good in the future I reduced my 'feelings' of guild in the now. That's like protecting investments through intelligence. Then I brought the animal to the vet instead of helping him out of his misery because I had this whole morality thing about killing. The vet probably killed the little squirrel in the backyard as soon as I left the building. A perfect example of acting out greed and how I as the mind build the corporate structure that is me. Passing on karma without even knowing what it was at the time. Lol!I could go on and on about my participation within it. As an example as I got my first job I was one of the few people in holland working with Apple computers at the time. So I had an advantage and I knew if I kept studying the software and stayed ahead I would remain the power user I was at the time and the reason I got the job in the first place. So I was very eager to keep my skill set up to date and within this I got increasingly more scared of the future because I slowly started to understand that what happened in the bible was also happening to me. That there was competition rising and that I had become part of the equation. It started my quest for answers and it also fucked me up career wise because the rat race is not a race you step in or out of. You participate or leave the stadium. If I'm not part of the race I'm not competing on the world stage and without greed someone else will do the killing for me. In that regard nature is less cruel than I am. Nature is what it is I want to be more than 'I' am.Excessiveness is a disease, like the luxury to live a depression. A few years back I was able to do so because I had some financial reserves so I could lay on the couch for a few months smoking pot while feeling sorry for myself. Like I had more rights to be depressed than someone else and with that comes the guild. The catholic dogma coming full circle. Greed and guild is what made the dutch one of the wealthiest nations on earth. Like a lot of dutch I'm aware that we are guilty thus have committed a crime. But we tolerate crime and thus we became one of the richest and most liberal countries in the world because we breed the greed to do so. Welcome to my roots of greed.More to Come. Must Watch Documentaries if you are interested in understanding reality:The Century of the Self: Part 1- Happiness MachinesThe Power PrincipleThe TrapPsywarHuman Resources: Social Engineering in the 20th Century