Day-028-The stress of dying slowly

Today within DIP lite I had to work with the word stress and the fact is that I am stressed. My experience within my reality is one of stress where I find myself in a dog eat dog world ruled by lies and fear and fight for profit being one of the lucky fuckers with a roof over my head and a toilet to shit in.

I'm working in the field of advertising and marketing and at no point is it more clear what it is we are doing to ourselves within the point of stress. Through creating bullshit out of nothing and relate back to that bullshit as if it where real and than become really fucking scared when we are confronted with our self created imagery. Within this I have alway realized that I am one of all that walk the streets naked under my clothing. I see and realize that I am packaged and labeled.

I'm too thick, thin, negative, positive, stupid, smart, bad, good. All based on referencing myself to messages that are referencing themselves to me which is the market-thing the ultimate bullshit. Within that I have become over impulsed by my own subliminal stroboscope. 

Within this I see and realize that I'm actually stressed all the time. I become aware of it more and more. The way I exist as energetics and how the I interact with my reality as these energetic responses coming from me as my stored software. My systems of 'intelligence' that forms my personality within how I act and interact within my relationships. This information is who I am so never fucking trust me ok?

If the question is how I live stress than that's primarily like everyone else. As the strain of life instead of life support. The stress of eating myself and die slowly.

I don't have a clou about my reality so underneath it all must 'lie' primal fear, existential fear, fear of death. Within this I accept myself as fearful which implies that I'm full of fear. I have done some crazy stuff in my life so I have experienced some fearful moments and I have seen the whole emotional play out my mind will attach to it. The whole thing is a virtual play out in my head. It's not real. But it has consequences that are real because I will create a relationship and evaluate these events with an emotional charge. Through time these string of events I created created me. The guy you have children with, or call daddy or whatever. A being full of emotions full of himself and it all relates back to fear.

A situation I walk into is a senso-motoric moment where I ask my computer to access my database of dealership. All I'm aware of (and not aware off) is than related back in time to these memory banks full of comparable situations to give me a context in which to place the situation I find myself in. Every 'bit' of input that is not in my relational database will trigger a warning/fear. 

However slight it might be, It's always related to the unknown or lack of 'intelligence' knocking around as fear in my head hahaha. 

So that's my experience of stress as fear from hardly noticeable via a sick feeling in the stomach too complete and utter possession where the fear makes me shift within my own body. Where I physically freeze up. Where everything sort of stops. Also called a panic attack. Where I become the  fear. And what happens when the fear takes over? Fascinating shit.

So what is that I'm observing as these shifts within my body when I'm experiencing myself as stress. Could it be that I'm finally starting to see how I exist in this reality within a moment when I'm not my thoughts and emotions?

What happens when I zap a computer? It will freeze up. What happens when I disturb the flow of software running too the processor? My computer will glitch. It's in between these freeze ups where I see a reality I have never seen before. Within this I see and realize I have never been aware of the fact that the stress is not me but energy produced by the mind I accept and allow to be me. 

And what is interesting is that although I'm aware of myself as it takes place I never seem to be able to stop the fear. It's a 'feeling' of hopelessness which clearly indicates I'm giving up to some construct of hope and hope does not play ball. At this point I see myself in awareness of the fact that I'm ruled by thoughts, emotions and feelings and there is not yet another platform to operate from. It's this instability and nothing to hold on too in my head that is the biggest fear of all which is the end of me which is death.

I have allowed myself to program my whole being as who I am in word and deed within this structure and it's this structure that manifests my reality. That's how I live stress. It's the permanent background noise of fear. It's observing myself as every little refraction towards reality instead of being physically here in my reality. It's this never-ending stream of information pouring from my mind I so desperately want to believe is me. I knowing that that it is not the case but as a friend sad to me a lot of times "knowing is not enough".

That's the biggest point of stress I deal with on a daily bases. 

Seeing realizing that I'm a lie. That the words I speak are seldom a living statement and that observing myself in self honesty shows me that we all do this.

That's why I experience this reality as overwhelming sometimes. I had that since I was a kid. I literally lost my mind somewhere. These kind of realizations used to scare the shit out of me and that's a 'good' thing because. Within that I see realize and understand that the only way to get rid of stress is to stand with it as I am as the one accepting and allowing it to be me and to forgive myself for ending up in this version of myself. 

I could go on and on bout the different sorts of stress but the fact of the matter is that all I am in this world is a mind ruling a body that's participating within relationships that are based one positive and negative energy and in between the two is the induction called stress. The ultimate destruction. The degree too which I am aware of myself within this point is very much related to willing myself to remain here and face the fear. I became a fucker so I lived stress as a fucker. My former colleagues will agree.

What school didn’t teach me...

No questions asked
Growing up as a kid we all come to a point where for the first time we start to ask why?
Why is the sky blue daddy?
Where do children come from mommy?
Why are there girls?
Why are there boys?
How much does the sky weigh?
What is a god?
Why do people pray?
Why must we go to church?
Why can’t I play outside?
Why can’t people leave other people alone?
What is time?
Why is the moon sometimes out in the day?
Why did god let my dog die?
Why does my best friend have two mums?

Most children ask parents questions they stopped asking themselves a long time ago or they simply don’t give a fuck. Maybe an answer came from there parents and they never questioned that answer in the first place. Maybe because they where shit scared of their parents. And so the big journey of questions begins (if we belong to the chosen few that get educated in this world). We go to school with the promise of education and will be given ‘all’ the answers, the answers of us all. I got my answers to this world but not all of them.
Why mommy?

Meet ‘the teacher’
We look up to him or her for she rules the class and all the classes before us. We look around into the eyes of all the other children and all we see is the same confusion. Thoughts racing so hard we all forget what was there when we saw a bumblebee for the first time expressing his daily routine with the flowers. We meet bullies, stress, goals, competence, group pressure, targets and results. Sounds familiar doesn’t it? We meet fear because for the first time we become aware that we have to be part of a result driven group, a mechanism, a system. Free will doesn’t exist. One is either in or out. There is no choice!

From this moment on the suppression begins, and instead of expanding you start to implode. The infusion has begun and there is nothing you can do. You are now officially thrown into the deep pool of information including your bag full of questions that where never answered. Now as you grow older and you become of knowledge a strange thing happens.

You begin to start asking existential questions again or somebody you know will ask you. And at this point we are all fucked. All the answers we get mysteriously relate back to the past, to each other, TV, knowledge and information. And please don’t ask questions about the future we all know what happens.

Yes it’s genius because it’s the mirror of education we all have in front of our eyes. It colours everything you see, do, feel, say or have an opinion about. Education has nothing to do with you and who you are here in the present.The thoughts going through your mind right now? You think it’s all you? Remember all that shit came from the outside not from within.

“You think that’s air you are  breathing” says Morpheus to Neo.

The question
So we hide behind beliefs build an ego to protect and defend the precious information and secrets we call ourselves in this world. We keep gathering information because that’s where we think the power comes from. Well indeed it does. We charge and consume because that’s exactly what the system requires to exist. So, is that what I am, a little dynamo spinning a long? Is that what became of that little boy that had no fear, no grudge, no hate or self pity. Yes that’s what happened.

I became my knowledge and information and if I don’t stop it I will simply keep infusing myself. I will pass the past on to my child like my parents did before me, for what? There is nobody to blame but myself. What was done to my parents was done unto me. So please stop living in the past, stop this fuckup and start educating our children. If your child starts asking questions that you can’t answer. Or maybe ‘you think’ you have the right answers. Look again. There is more to the questions than you ‘think’. It’s your child trying to find out what the hell he or she is doing here... Hell yeah. If heaven was above and hell bellow than we are all living there isn't it. The hell bellow means down to earth. Right here right now. Welcome to hell.

See what would happen if we would listen to what children are expressing! I know, that’s not how the world works. Ask yourself, if we would have to establish heaven on earth do we go with the children or do we continue down this road of grown ups?