Day-028-The stress of dying slowly

Today within DIP lite I had to work with the word stress and the fact is that I am stressed. My experience within my reality is one of stress where I find myself in a dog eat dog world ruled by lies and fear and fight for profit being one of the lucky fuckers with a roof over my head and a toilet to shit in.

I'm working in the field of advertising and marketing and at no point is it more clear what it is we are doing to ourselves within the point of stress. Through creating bullshit out of nothing and relate back to that bullshit as if it where real and than become really fucking scared when we are confronted with our self created imagery. Within this I have alway realized that I am one of all that walk the streets naked under my clothing. I see and realize that I am packaged and labeled.

I'm too thick, thin, negative, positive, stupid, smart, bad, good. All based on referencing myself to messages that are referencing themselves to me which is the market-thing the ultimate bullshit. Within that I have become over impulsed by my own subliminal stroboscope. 

Within this I see and realize that I'm actually stressed all the time. I become aware of it more and more. The way I exist as energetics and how the I interact with my reality as these energetic responses coming from me as my stored software. My systems of 'intelligence' that forms my personality within how I act and interact within my relationships. This information is who I am so never fucking trust me ok?

If the question is how I live stress than that's primarily like everyone else. As the strain of life instead of life support. The stress of eating myself and die slowly.

I don't have a clou about my reality so underneath it all must 'lie' primal fear, existential fear, fear of death. Within this I accept myself as fearful which implies that I'm full of fear. I have done some crazy stuff in my life so I have experienced some fearful moments and I have seen the whole emotional play out my mind will attach to it. The whole thing is a virtual play out in my head. It's not real. But it has consequences that are real because I will create a relationship and evaluate these events with an emotional charge. Through time these string of events I created created me. The guy you have children with, or call daddy or whatever. A being full of emotions full of himself and it all relates back to fear.

A situation I walk into is a senso-motoric moment where I ask my computer to access my database of dealership. All I'm aware of (and not aware off) is than related back in time to these memory banks full of comparable situations to give me a context in which to place the situation I find myself in. Every 'bit' of input that is not in my relational database will trigger a warning/fear. 

However slight it might be, It's always related to the unknown or lack of 'intelligence' knocking around as fear in my head hahaha. 

So that's my experience of stress as fear from hardly noticeable via a sick feeling in the stomach too complete and utter possession where the fear makes me shift within my own body. Where I physically freeze up. Where everything sort of stops. Also called a panic attack. Where I become the  fear. And what happens when the fear takes over? Fascinating shit.

So what is that I'm observing as these shifts within my body when I'm experiencing myself as stress. Could it be that I'm finally starting to see how I exist in this reality within a moment when I'm not my thoughts and emotions?

What happens when I zap a computer? It will freeze up. What happens when I disturb the flow of software running too the processor? My computer will glitch. It's in between these freeze ups where I see a reality I have never seen before. Within this I see and realize I have never been aware of the fact that the stress is not me but energy produced by the mind I accept and allow to be me. 

And what is interesting is that although I'm aware of myself as it takes place I never seem to be able to stop the fear. It's a 'feeling' of hopelessness which clearly indicates I'm giving up to some construct of hope and hope does not play ball. At this point I see myself in awareness of the fact that I'm ruled by thoughts, emotions and feelings and there is not yet another platform to operate from. It's this instability and nothing to hold on too in my head that is the biggest fear of all which is the end of me which is death.

I have allowed myself to program my whole being as who I am in word and deed within this structure and it's this structure that manifests my reality. That's how I live stress. It's the permanent background noise of fear. It's observing myself as every little refraction towards reality instead of being physically here in my reality. It's this never-ending stream of information pouring from my mind I so desperately want to believe is me. I knowing that that it is not the case but as a friend sad to me a lot of times "knowing is not enough".

That's the biggest point of stress I deal with on a daily bases. 

Seeing realizing that I'm a lie. That the words I speak are seldom a living statement and that observing myself in self honesty shows me that we all do this.

That's why I experience this reality as overwhelming sometimes. I had that since I was a kid. I literally lost my mind somewhere. These kind of realizations used to scare the shit out of me and that's a 'good' thing because. Within that I see realize and understand that the only way to get rid of stress is to stand with it as I am as the one accepting and allowing it to be me and to forgive myself for ending up in this version of myself. 

I could go on and on bout the different sorts of stress but the fact of the matter is that all I am in this world is a mind ruling a body that's participating within relationships that are based one positive and negative energy and in between the two is the induction called stress. The ultimate destruction. The degree too which I am aware of myself within this point is very much related to willing myself to remain here and face the fear. I became a fucker so I lived stress as a fucker. My former colleagues will agree.

Day-020-Fear of success

This is a follow up to:
Day-018-Save me and then leave me alone

Yesterday I wrote amongst other things about an observation regarding self sabotage and that i'm actually addicted to sabotaging myself. What does that addiction look like and how does it manifest? What I see is that I feel safe as the victim that is dependent on others. This is creating a winning character as competitiveness where I present myself to others as the positive polarity of the 'winner-looser construct' because I don't want to be seen as a victim by others.

Within this i'm becoming aware of this construct where I refuse to see and accept that I'm of mind and as the the mind I am programmed to run the program. A program that does NOT want to change. Manifesting myself as more special than others and thus able to change as the mind.

I see and realize that this in impossible because the mind is who I am at any given moment. Within this construct I can only keep falling and have looped repeatedly always coming to the exact same point where I have to simply start applying myself. Meaning get to know myself and how I ended up in these versions of myself. Not transcending this point means 'progress' will grind to a halt.

I see that when the moment comes to apply myself it get's tricky. It's like I cannot help myself. What I see is that this is the point where I as the mind meet the physical. It's at this point where I meet all I have created. This is where I become unstable and allow myself to fall instead of stand. In al cases it's the same point. When I have to sit with myself and write I will accept my own excuses and do something else instead. Within that I fuck with myself extensively by doing things that are 'non recreational'. I then find myself cleaning something or repairing something. The excuse being that this has to be done first. It's willingly fucking myself by bending my priorities instead of getting them straight.

Mostly I find myself doing physical stuff in order to escape the 'painful' confrontation with who I am and have become in that given moment of self sabotage. The resistance is huge because I allow myself to fear the shear extend of my own fuckup and thus allow myself as the 'giving up character' to take over. I see where it comes from and that it has to do with family structures and that I never learned to stand on my own two feet in this point. Within this construct I was always 'taken care of'. Growing up I never had to worry about taking responsibility and eventually that's what I accepted and allowed to become = 'irresponsible'.

Walking part of my process with someone who offered support and did not have this background allowed me to see and experience other perspectives and ways of looking at myself. However the painful process of exposing myself and sharing myself as that point with another person meant walking into relationship points as well. It did not make it easier but it did speed up the process of getting to the raw experience of myself within these points of sabotaging myself.

It also allowed me to see that although suppressed I was and still am hugely intimidated by successful people. Meaning people with the capability to transcend the point of what I would call or more appropriate judge as defeat. I see and observe within me that overtime everything has become a contest. Which in itself is not strange because I had to adapt to this reality which is in all ways 'a contest'. I have seen that point very early but instead of becoming a good player familiar with the game I allowed myself to swim against the current. I started to judge success and react towards the system instead of working with it as a tool. Within this I'm a product of my education I see that and that that is not the point. The point is taking self responsibility within seeing what is necessary to change myself and then not doing so which is 'self-sabotage' and (not) acting out of fear.

Here is fear of change. Fear of a future unknown. Remaining on that small ledge of knowledge and information instead of climbing and see where that will take me. I can see what I do, it's the not doing where I fuck up. I must credit myself for at least picking myself up and start moving again two years ago. Now the point is reached where there is nothing left but to walk process as what is required to do. I see that. I have no excuses left. I have heard them all. I tried it all. And still I allow myself to sabotage myself.

I identify this pattern as self sabotage. I see it throughout my life I have adapted this pattern of never wanting to take full responsibility or go all the way professionally thus never be in full control of a given situation and within that the risk of 'loosing it all'. Thus (voluntarily) always am and expect myself to be 'second best'. I place myself as the looser before trying to find out what it is like to win.

It's that point where I never allowed myself to walk 'real' success all the way thus ending up in the polarity point which is failure. Put simply, I created the construct of 'too scared to even try so fuck up and pretend the failure is not my fault'. On top of that let somebody else clean up the mess for me'. The 'most painful point being that I'm aware of myself doing it. That's the 'shame' point. That shame is BIG.

I'm the giver of this word sabotage and within this I accept and allow myself to create 'failure' because I don't allow myself to create success by taking responsibility for all of me thus I allow myself to exist within the polarity of irresponsibility out of fear of the future thus creating frustration, shame, guilt.

Those are the primary emotions I experience within this construct. I feel save as the main characters, the irresponsible clown, punk, underdog, anarchist, rebel because that is still me. Everything else is unknown territory, the unknown. Don't wanna go there. Rather find excuses why I never did instead of failing while trying. I'm a looser baby hahaha-boehoo-hooo.


http://desteni.org/
http://desteniiprocess.com/
http://eqafe.com/
http://destonians.com/