Day-033-"Friendliness the disease"

Within DIP Lite I was looking at the word 'friendly' and how I have lived this word. And it always amazes me how much opens up if I start to look at a single word and how multi dimensional words are. If you are interested in language the Desteni material will blow you out of your socks. It's possible to write about a single word into infinity because in a holographic way a word represents all words. It triggers the question why we have the abc in the first place?

So here I see within one word multiple dimensions of how I can live and have lived the word 'friendly'. Friendly as a form of manipulation because I want to be liked. Even being unfriendly. Because telling someone to fuck of shows very clearly that I am very specific about who I want to be friendly with. It's about personal preference thus 100% self interest.

Being liked and earn affection is one of the first things we learn. It's the tool to get things my way. The friendly rivalry is always there because it's what shapes this reality. It does not stand alone because it's part of the play out within relationships within all groups. It can be explicit competition like a dog wrestle. But it will still be rivalry and it boils down to and finds its origin in self interest. I can trace that back very easily to the observation I made as a child. Manipulation was something I learned so I only have to look at the origin of my education to find the friendly lie. The soothing voice of my mother that says it's ok to cry as I am manipulating the hell out of her.

How far am I willing to go to get what I want? It's like in mediaeval times and how the dutch where able to do business in japan while the rest got their heads chopped off. The dutch bent over backwards, went on their knees and licked the boots of a shogun as long as they got their business deals. They didn't care about keeping up appearance. They took on the 'friendly' appearance that got them the most results and that's it. They where well dressed but pirates nevertheless. The japanese liked the dutch. They where humble and friendly as long as you where not a slave or a boat that was entered because they where the bankers of their time and build their wealth and kingdom on the basic rule of the trade that people have to like you first before you become able to fuck them up the arse. In that perspective friends are the foes you do business with.

Any-a thing / Many-a things / Make-a thing / Mark-a thing / Marketing

It's the biggest blind spot I had in my life and one of the major points of frustration in daily life. Why didn't I see this before? This system operates to a very simple rule. And it's this rule in combination with ice-cold lifelong consistency that makes 'matter' come 'our' way. There is no place for playfulness or a celebration of life within getting what I want. Being friendly in its current expression is the blinding smile of deception and the foundation of this 'financial' reality. I'm a puppy fighting for a nipple in total denial.

If I want to be in a favorable position I must be that perfect picture. That friendly, humble and serviceable person that pops up in the mind of the right person. Strangely enough it's basic rules of advertising and I never wanted to see that they applied to myself as well. Such stupidity.

Like I said, a MAJOR blind spot. Then there is the belonging to and finding oneself in an alliance of some sort. Where one becomes supported by the group because I have now proven my alliance trough my actions within and as self sacrifice as a donation to the group. And this applies to all groups. My battle scars will get a certain status. The more medals the more status. From being in a street gang to being a member of the board or a wolf in a pack. It's all the same shit and I will abuse my own children out of fear of fading from the grid. I understand that change can only come from myself as my actions because no one wants to 'hear' this. There is no friendly way to tell it!

It's problematic when one sees that there is only one group in fact which is 'LIFE'. Simultaneously I find myself in a reality that doesn't change because I don't change. A reality that is split into an overwhelming number of groups. As a child I will have to merge with one or more of those groups. It's my goddamn 'social structure'. A structure that is always classifiable by the money god that rules that specific group. No income is the ultimate failure in the system and it means there is only one group left. The opposites the underdogs, the losers.

Belonging to the ones that don't belong means suffering beyond belief and because that is everyones worst fear we defend our positions of self interest at the cost of all 'life'. It makes us teach our children to live the lie and speed up the process of destruction even more. Isn't that the worst child abuse imaginable?

I lived the word friendly in multiple dimensions and few are genuine self honest expressions. Friendliness has the potential of being every act that stands for absolute oness and equality as what is best for all life. To walk the message of jesus and to do unto my neighbor as I would do unto myself. The friction with present reality is that one will (like jesus) have to friendly say no to a lot of 'things' and one will not have a lot of friendly things to say. I will crucify myself isn't it?

SO the word friendly is very much here to be redefined into an understanding of what true friendliness in the best interest of all entails. I have a long way to go.

Day-020-Fear of success

This is a follow up to:
Day-018-Save me and then leave me alone

Yesterday I wrote amongst other things about an observation regarding self sabotage and that i'm actually addicted to sabotaging myself. What does that addiction look like and how does it manifest? What I see is that I feel safe as the victim that is dependent on others. This is creating a winning character as competitiveness where I present myself to others as the positive polarity of the 'winner-looser construct' because I don't want to be seen as a victim by others.

Within this i'm becoming aware of this construct where I refuse to see and accept that I'm of mind and as the the mind I am programmed to run the program. A program that does NOT want to change. Manifesting myself as more special than others and thus able to change as the mind.

I see and realize that this in impossible because the mind is who I am at any given moment. Within this construct I can only keep falling and have looped repeatedly always coming to the exact same point where I have to simply start applying myself. Meaning get to know myself and how I ended up in these versions of myself. Not transcending this point means 'progress' will grind to a halt.

I see that when the moment comes to apply myself it get's tricky. It's like I cannot help myself. What I see is that this is the point where I as the mind meet the physical. It's at this point where I meet all I have created. This is where I become unstable and allow myself to fall instead of stand. In al cases it's the same point. When I have to sit with myself and write I will accept my own excuses and do something else instead. Within that I fuck with myself extensively by doing things that are 'non recreational'. I then find myself cleaning something or repairing something. The excuse being that this has to be done first. It's willingly fucking myself by bending my priorities instead of getting them straight.

Mostly I find myself doing physical stuff in order to escape the 'painful' confrontation with who I am and have become in that given moment of self sabotage. The resistance is huge because I allow myself to fear the shear extend of my own fuckup and thus allow myself as the 'giving up character' to take over. I see where it comes from and that it has to do with family structures and that I never learned to stand on my own two feet in this point. Within this construct I was always 'taken care of'. Growing up I never had to worry about taking responsibility and eventually that's what I accepted and allowed to become = 'irresponsible'.

Walking part of my process with someone who offered support and did not have this background allowed me to see and experience other perspectives and ways of looking at myself. However the painful process of exposing myself and sharing myself as that point with another person meant walking into relationship points as well. It did not make it easier but it did speed up the process of getting to the raw experience of myself within these points of sabotaging myself.

It also allowed me to see that although suppressed I was and still am hugely intimidated by successful people. Meaning people with the capability to transcend the point of what I would call or more appropriate judge as defeat. I see and observe within me that overtime everything has become a contest. Which in itself is not strange because I had to adapt to this reality which is in all ways 'a contest'. I have seen that point very early but instead of becoming a good player familiar with the game I allowed myself to swim against the current. I started to judge success and react towards the system instead of working with it as a tool. Within this I'm a product of my education I see that and that that is not the point. The point is taking self responsibility within seeing what is necessary to change myself and then not doing so which is 'self-sabotage' and (not) acting out of fear.

Here is fear of change. Fear of a future unknown. Remaining on that small ledge of knowledge and information instead of climbing and see where that will take me. I can see what I do, it's the not doing where I fuck up. I must credit myself for at least picking myself up and start moving again two years ago. Now the point is reached where there is nothing left but to walk process as what is required to do. I see that. I have no excuses left. I have heard them all. I tried it all. And still I allow myself to sabotage myself.

I identify this pattern as self sabotage. I see it throughout my life I have adapted this pattern of never wanting to take full responsibility or go all the way professionally thus never be in full control of a given situation and within that the risk of 'loosing it all'. Thus (voluntarily) always am and expect myself to be 'second best'. I place myself as the looser before trying to find out what it is like to win.

It's that point where I never allowed myself to walk 'real' success all the way thus ending up in the polarity point which is failure. Put simply, I created the construct of 'too scared to even try so fuck up and pretend the failure is not my fault'. On top of that let somebody else clean up the mess for me'. The 'most painful point being that I'm aware of myself doing it. That's the 'shame' point. That shame is BIG.

I'm the giver of this word sabotage and within this I accept and allow myself to create 'failure' because I don't allow myself to create success by taking responsibility for all of me thus I allow myself to exist within the polarity of irresponsibility out of fear of the future thus creating frustration, shame, guilt.

Those are the primary emotions I experience within this construct. I feel save as the main characters, the irresponsible clown, punk, underdog, anarchist, rebel because that is still me. Everything else is unknown territory, the unknown. Don't wanna go there. Rather find excuses why I never did instead of failing while trying. I'm a looser baby hahaha-boehoo-hooo.


http://desteni.org/
http://desteniiprocess.com/
http://eqafe.com/
http://destonians.com/

Apple introduces the iCon

(from Thesaurus)
When it comes to representing or embodying the invisible or intangible, you can't beat a symbol. It applies to anything that serves as an outward sign of something immaterial or spiritual (the cross as a symbol of salvation; the crown as a symbol of monarchy), although the association between the symbol and what it represents does not have to be based on tradition or convention and may, in fact, be quite arbitrary (the annual gathering at the cemetery became a symbol of the family's long and tragic history). 


Hello I’m a Computer that uses a Mac
I’ve been a user of Apple products for more then Twenty years. I also worked and still work in the field of communication/advertising. A different story in itself. In the early days Apple products where aimed at people like me. I fit their original profile exactly. “Don’t let technology interfere with creativity”. I remember the first computers that came onto the market. The old Sinclair, ZX Spectrum, Atari’s and Commodore’s. I had friends and within my family there where people playing around with them. They all learned coding and as a result most of them got very good jobs later in life. For me it was different because I thought differently. I’m a think different guy remember. Lines of code where not my cup of tea. Lot's of code on a screen made my eyes go bananas. Couldn't focus on a line of code longer than 10 seconds. Still have that when I look at large Excel sheets. It all starts to move and makes me feel epileptic. Words that give meaning and value to other words to order those other words to do things. I run into the same resistance when reading Desteni material. It's clean code. As pure as it get's and I just feel my mind resisting this pure code. It leaves no room for interpretation. It's kind of the Unix versus Basic equation. So I hated computers and the way they worked in those days. I couldn’t find any practical application for them in my life except playing games on them. Oh how I loved to play games and have fun. We are talking early eighties here. I had so much fun playing those first games on computers. Little did I know about the great role those stupid calculators would play in my life.

Around 1993 there was a buzz going through art school. The old typesetting machines would be replaced by computers. Apple computers. Computers you could operate with a ‘mouse’. Sounds strange but up to that moment the whole world was staring at blue or green computer screens that presented text. Code served by the DOS or pro DOS operating system. I was very curious because it was told that these computers would have a GUI. So no more blue screen but icons a desktop and graphically displayed tools you could use with that ‘mouse’ thing that had a button on top.

Up to then nearly all graphic work was done by hand. Creating lay outs was literally what the words imply. Laying it out. Reproducing the image with a camera. Dividing the image into dots through screening. Very labour intensive. It was a craft you really had to learn and It took time to learn because motor skills where needed. I should state that I have developed a very impatient personality over the years. The moment I sat behind that strange little cube called a Macintosh and my hand touched that mouse for the first time a strange thing happened. I became energized. There is no other description because that’s exactly what happened. Within one hour I realized hands on what would normally take days appeared in front of my eyes within minutes. And I was just fooling around with that thing called a Mac. I fell in love with this tool. I knew that I found a way to get my ideas out fast. So I loved it. The sounds it made, the shape, the smell even the bugs where kind of charming. That first little Mac was the tool that erased a lot of limitations for me. It became my little friend that helped me. I just wanted to be creative with it. Create pictures visualize stuff. Get the stuff in my head out. The Mac allowed me to do this even though it was a 7” BW screen with 256 shades of grey. Typefaces where there immediately. I didn’t have to draw them out first. Which normally took hours to do. Pictures could be scanned and where in my layouts within minutes. I was behind that thing every night in school. Learning the programs although I wasn’t allowed to do so.

Apple was a company with a strange twist. I don’t have to read Steve Jobs biography to know what the man is about. I’ve used his ideas hands on for more than twenty years. And yes brilliant. He knew my brain better than I did. And this came through when I used the Mac. A very strange relationship developed between me and the Jobs Machines. The Mac had and still has Steve Jobs written into it's source code and I have used that code everyday for the biggest part of my life. I interacted and spent more Time with Macs than with people and in comparison to people my relationships with Macs where generally more stable.

Being the first generation to use this stuff meant doing a lot of pioneering without even being aware of it. I spend so much time on getting to know this Machine. So I got a ‘feel’ for it. I can tell you hands on that every Macintosh model had a character. A smell, behavior. There where little noises or glimpses that told me to shut down and restart before the thing locked up. Lot’s of thingies that made working with Macs similar to working with things that are ‘alive’. It sounds completely stupid but that’s my experience. Every Mac had a character.

After I bought My first Mac LC I had an important insight. It might sound stupid again but the Mac showed me the concept of 'structure'. A way to organize and layer information. In time there is a always a starting point. A top folder. Using the hierarchy of a desktop, folders, documents and trash can showed me the way I organized my work. I was very chaotic back then so my own way of working was always in front of me. If I was sloppy the folder (directory) structure would be sloppy. If I organized and categorized everything became faster. So just by using this thing. This Box. This concept. I saw things my parents and teachers where unable to get into my head.

And now the interesting part. Apple had no competition. The best fucking computer in the world and not even a 2-3% market share because the thing cost more than an average car. There was nothing in the world you could buy at that time that did what a Mac did until Microsoft ripped it and introduced it’s first version of Windows which was a disaster. That’s when that whole Apple Microsoft thing hit the scene. Nevertheless I was a power user. I knew my game and people knew I did. I got my first job because I was able to use a Mac the way I did.

So although HP claimed that the PC's where personal again they never where to me. My Mac was personal I couldn’t work with PC’s. Not because they didn’t work (they would sometimes) but because it triggered a physical reaction. The few times I was behind a pc I cramped up and became crumpy. It felt like being with someone and somehow your not on the same page every page. I never asked myself the question why? Why am I emotionally involved with this Machine. But it was not the Machine. It was Steve Jobs (reality distortion field) cleverly hiding inside the iCon that a Mac was. Steve was manipulating me through the use of his product.

 I remember tipping my boss to buy Apple shares a few months before the first iMac was released. Apple Shares where around 6 dollar! The company was on life support. My boss didn't buy those shares. I remember thinking what would happen if the Mac disappeared from my life. It kind of made me panic. But the iMac was released and Apple did what Steve set out to do. People who had shares became wealthy. Bill Gates was one of them.

Apple has become mainstream and they have more money stocked than the united states government. That says it all. Steve Jobs designed an iCon and programmed it after his own image. He sold this iCon to people like me that are more or less handicapped in a way. Call it the ‘Rightbrainers’. Jobs saw the huge potential here. And he was right. It took some cornering but he got it done. Things we create are created in our image and likeness. We are the creators. Look at the world we live in. It’s all created. Jobs created jobs through creating for creators. It’s a strange thing to ponder on because in the big picture it’s commercial perfection. Unfortunately for Steve's legacy we can only consume at the cost of others. This elitist aspect was present in the first Mac and it will be present in the latest iPhone. Symbols of success for people that have it all.

Steve Jobs is considered an icon. He's exactly that. He knew what he was creating including himself. A symbol in a world of iCons we relate to and build our lives on. Nevertheless it’s a con. A convict, a swindle that fooled us all. Part of the process of acceleration. What's in it for me? Turnaround, ROI. In the end it’s all the same. Product to consumer, consuming. The con in consumerism. People die because I want an iPhone. This has to stop.

If there is one company that could make a computer that lasts at least a lifetime just to prove that it’s not about things getting obsolete simply because they have to brake it's Apple. It's about perfection. They should at least show this possibility to the world. There is no need for products to be replaced every 3 years. It’s total bullshit that can only exist because of us accepting and allowing this to be so. Apple could show the world that it’s possible to have tools that are products no more. A pure expression of timeless engineering as an example for a future that includes everyone equal including the tools we use.

Oh and one more thing... Let's have Steve on stage to comment on this.