Day-033-"Friendliness the disease"

Within DIP Lite I was looking at the word 'friendly' and how I have lived this word. And it always amazes me how much opens up if I start to look at a single word and how multi dimensional words are. If you are interested in language the Desteni material will blow you out of your socks. It's possible to write about a single word into infinity because in a holographic way a word represents all words. It triggers the question why we have the abc in the first place?

So here I see within one word multiple dimensions of how I can live and have lived the word 'friendly'. Friendly as a form of manipulation because I want to be liked. Even being unfriendly. Because telling someone to fuck of shows very clearly that I am very specific about who I want to be friendly with. It's about personal preference thus 100% self interest.

Being liked and earn affection is one of the first things we learn. It's the tool to get things my way. The friendly rivalry is always there because it's what shapes this reality. It does not stand alone because it's part of the play out within relationships within all groups. It can be explicit competition like a dog wrestle. But it will still be rivalry and it boils down to and finds its origin in self interest. I can trace that back very easily to the observation I made as a child. Manipulation was something I learned so I only have to look at the origin of my education to find the friendly lie. The soothing voice of my mother that says it's ok to cry as I am manipulating the hell out of her.

How far am I willing to go to get what I want? It's like in mediaeval times and how the dutch where able to do business in japan while the rest got their heads chopped off. The dutch bent over backwards, went on their knees and licked the boots of a shogun as long as they got their business deals. They didn't care about keeping up appearance. They took on the 'friendly' appearance that got them the most results and that's it. They where well dressed but pirates nevertheless. The japanese liked the dutch. They where humble and friendly as long as you where not a slave or a boat that was entered because they where the bankers of their time and build their wealth and kingdom on the basic rule of the trade that people have to like you first before you become able to fuck them up the arse. In that perspective friends are the foes you do business with.

Any-a thing / Many-a things / Make-a thing / Mark-a thing / Marketing

It's the biggest blind spot I had in my life and one of the major points of frustration in daily life. Why didn't I see this before? This system operates to a very simple rule. And it's this rule in combination with ice-cold lifelong consistency that makes 'matter' come 'our' way. There is no place for playfulness or a celebration of life within getting what I want. Being friendly in its current expression is the blinding smile of deception and the foundation of this 'financial' reality. I'm a puppy fighting for a nipple in total denial.

If I want to be in a favorable position I must be that perfect picture. That friendly, humble and serviceable person that pops up in the mind of the right person. Strangely enough it's basic rules of advertising and I never wanted to see that they applied to myself as well. Such stupidity.

Like I said, a MAJOR blind spot. Then there is the belonging to and finding oneself in an alliance of some sort. Where one becomes supported by the group because I have now proven my alliance trough my actions within and as self sacrifice as a donation to the group. And this applies to all groups. My battle scars will get a certain status. The more medals the more status. From being in a street gang to being a member of the board or a wolf in a pack. It's all the same shit and I will abuse my own children out of fear of fading from the grid. I understand that change can only come from myself as my actions because no one wants to 'hear' this. There is no friendly way to tell it!

It's problematic when one sees that there is only one group in fact which is 'LIFE'. Simultaneously I find myself in a reality that doesn't change because I don't change. A reality that is split into an overwhelming number of groups. As a child I will have to merge with one or more of those groups. It's my goddamn 'social structure'. A structure that is always classifiable by the money god that rules that specific group. No income is the ultimate failure in the system and it means there is only one group left. The opposites the underdogs, the losers.

Belonging to the ones that don't belong means suffering beyond belief and because that is everyones worst fear we defend our positions of self interest at the cost of all 'life'. It makes us teach our children to live the lie and speed up the process of destruction even more. Isn't that the worst child abuse imaginable?

I lived the word friendly in multiple dimensions and few are genuine self honest expressions. Friendliness has the potential of being every act that stands for absolute oness and equality as what is best for all life. To walk the message of jesus and to do unto my neighbor as I would do unto myself. The friction with present reality is that one will (like jesus) have to friendly say no to a lot of 'things' and one will not have a lot of friendly things to say. I will crucify myself isn't it?

SO the word friendly is very much here to be redefined into an understanding of what true friendliness in the best interest of all entails. I have a long way to go.

Day-013-My Adrenaline Junkie character

I was having a conversation with someone and he said he observed periods in my life where I would only talk about biking. Whatever the conversation was about I would somehow bend it and bring it back to biking. Within this I see that I have always allowed myself to become completely possessed within hobbies or sports. Who am I as this competitive and fanatical character? How did I build that character and why?

As a child I spend a lot of time outside. Specifically in or around trees. I loved climbing as long as I can remember. Looking back and seeing myself as a child climbing trees I see that I really enjoyed climbing. I see myself enjoying the way it involved all my senses, moving forward, back, left, right an also up and down which added another dimension. Then there was the experience of gravity and being suspended.


Speed
I also loved speed. And looking at my family I can see why. My father and his brothers are al post war children that grew up in a period that was all about 'the war'. Fighter pilots, spitfires, speed and espionage! I grew up with these stories about the second world war and all the technology involved. Most books I was reading as a little boy where about these subjects and I lived a lively fantasy with all these pictures. War and everything involved had (and still has) a big influence on the characters I create and live out.

Within this I created the character of the dreamer, not so interested in social activities and more distant from other kids. The voices in my head always told me why and how I had other, more 'important' things to do. Within my mind was this permanent fireworks display, this uninterrupted stream of fantasies and projections of big adventures I had to undertake.

Bringing the point here shows me how I existed within that experience of myself as that never ending stream of information that poured from my subconscious into my head. I realize I had no words to describe what was going on with me. I generated so much energy within me and that might explain why I couldn't sit still. Within this I see and realize that I was a compressed spring, always ready to spring into action. I felt stable and relaxed when I was moving. In other words doing something physical and within that would not be in my head so much. I would (as an adrenaline junkie) always  be looking for something that required total physical attention and involved all my senses as much as possible.

Pedalling
The moment I got my first bicycle was an experience I can only compare with the energetics of falling in love. I had butterflies in my stomach. My character on a bike was like this little energetic turbine spinning as I learned to bike and pedal my way around. Within this and on my bike I created a lot of characters. I was a pilot, racer, cop, fireman, astronaut etc. My bike allowed me to become every character that had fast as an expression.

I enjoyed speed and G–forces and the first roller coaster ride in a theme park was a life changing experience. Back home I would try to recreate that experience of being on the roller–coaster on my bike. With time biking became effortless. I was flying around and covering distances that would take me hours to do on foot. Biking around the neighborhood on my bike made my world smaller.

I was on my bike more than on my feet and biking to me felt more 'natural' then walking. Then BMX hit the scene and as I saw the first image of a real BMX bike I was stunned. It took me about two hours to completely strip my bicycle from all the unnecessary parts down to it's bare essentials and I created the BMX character. From that moment on I started digging trails with the other boys in the neighborhood who also stripped their bikes and adopted a BMX character. We had our private little BMX track next to our house. The stage was set and we enjoyed the play of flowing through berms picking up speed doing switchbacks and jumping around. I realize that playing the BMX character on a bike allowed me to be in 'the zone' and feel in control of myself instead of being ruled by the fireworks in my head.

Biking was my stability point, and because it involved a lot of falling it was also a 'character builder'. A way to express myself and within that is the point of feeling more confident on the bike than of the bike=in character out of character=on drugs of drugs. Whatever I takes to cope with the world.
That soothing tiredness after the adrenaline rush. Endorphins as the morphine to hide myself from the confrontation with myself. When I started doing less sport I started smoking more pot. I never looked at it like this but it makes total sense to me now.

Within all extreme sports people talk about 'the zone'. It's a place where 'normal' people would step on the brakes. Were you think you loose control. Fear steps in and a shot of adrenaline comes to warn you you are 'officially' outside your comfort zone and about to die. This is where most people start screaming inside a roller coaster because their 'instinct/fear' tells them to get out of the situation.

Fear as a personal coach
I always enjoyed that moment where I saw the fear inside myself come up and was able to greet it with a smile. The edge of fear became like a familiar character and if one is with a familiar character one tends to be more relaxed. When I found myself doing something extreme (stupid) I was always aware of the warning lights and alarm bells going of. I always felt fear but I was able to keep it in the background like my personal coach thus creating the character of the personal coach within and as my fears.

Within the zone all those little voices in my head where silenced. Rare moments where my mind would shut up for a few moments like standing inside the eye of a hurricane. There are a lot of kids who would be on medicines right now if it wasn't for their skateboard, BMX bike or whatever adrenaline pump they have.

Gaining Confidence within the zone allowed me to go beyond what I thought where my fears and faster than 'the competition'. That created the character of a winner and over time within that I created the adrenaline Junkie and extreme sports character. When I see interviews with guys from the xtreme sports community (they are mostly guys), I cant help but see the same characteristics coming from the same kind of script. Huge amounts of bravado, testosterone and a good skill set.

My thingie
I always had a fascination for extreme sports. Every opportunity I got to do something extreme I took no questions asked. As an adolescent they could have strapped me to a rocket unable to wipe the smile of my face. Looking back also within my family it makes sense. I identified myself utterly with characters of bravado, courage, fearlessness and speed. That whole thing they call extreme sports including the after party characters that belong to the scene.

Whatever we call ourselves within the activity or sports we practice in the end It's all competition and no one wants to be last. The place I compete is where I give my ego the 'all you can eat experience'. It's being with the monkeys screaming in the trees.

Sport could be so much more within and as a physical release and that's why I try to write some words down because I think that sport should be about physical expression without any form of competition or ratings and within that we will inevitably com across the money point.

I had to drive around and train on a piece of junk for years before I sold all my lego and got my first 15 kilo BMX bike that took a lot of leg to get moving. My adrenaline Junkie character spited (rich) kids and at the same time drooled over the bikes they had. Bikes that where 7-8 times more expensive than the little monster I drove around. The only status I could press out of my character was in the driving I did. I could only make sure I was fast and fearless. When I meet people I haven't seen for a while they mostly remember me as that character. Biking has always been my stability point and thus Achilles heel. No biking meant becoming unstable.

Recap
So within me is the character as the biker as confidence. Within doing extreme sports the adrenaline junkie character gave me the experience of success that I was not able to give myself in school, relationships, etc. Eventually this extreme sports character took the main stage on my world stage. Where I always had to push things over the limit. Where I always had the last say in things and provoked people in order to hide my own insecurity. It's why I pulled towards people that where a bit of center. Crazy ones, eccentrics, outcasts and underdogs. That's why I never was a successful athlete. I trained like one but lacked the ambition and discipline to compete every weekend and I feared the so called real athletes because I couldnt quite grasp where they where coming from. Apparently it was not my starting point to compete as an athlete and at the same time I enjoyed racing other guys in competition. I have been in competition with myself until I discovered within self honesty that I will eventually always be my own competitor like a dog chasing it's tail. Eventually the Mount everest will have an elevator and climbers will realize that you might as well cross the Sahara backwards. Eventually it's a biggest dick contest like all competition.

I created a character and with that came an addiction and as with all addictions I needed more drugs killing myself in the process. I wanted to beat myself which is impossible. I can only deprogram myself and that starts by killing my characters. It's funny to see that sports is actually more fun if there is no competitive character involved because it will become expression of self movement and within that I have to become intimate with myself. A point I have not yet fully embraced so an opportunity to observe myself as I slowly detox and deprogram the extreme sports character and allow self intimacy to step forth.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become completely possessed within and as the adrenaline Junkie

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for creating a competitive and fanatical character within and as the adrenaline junkie?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that I really enjoyed myself climbing as a child physically expressing myself within the experience of gravity and being suspended moving forward, back, left, right an also up and down without competitiveness and within that I forgive myself that I didn't see realize understand that this is my physical expression without the self-destructive competitive component, within that I see that I have created competition as the winner looser within thus allowing it to exist without.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and live the character of the dreamer allowing myself to isolate myself from others and within this I forgive myself for allowing myself to create the voices in my head as excuses to always have more 'important' things to do within and as the isolated character of the dreamer hypnotizing/identifying myself with the fireworks as my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I had no words to describe what was going on with me as a child where I generated so much energy and within that making it impossible to sit still and within that creating the external physical manifestation of restlessness not seeing realizing and understanding that my lack of vocabulary did not allow me to effectively communicate what was going on inside me within that I see and realize that I was creating a lot of tension creating a spring, always ready to spring into action thus creating a character of tension

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify and copy iconic and heroic characters not seeing realizing and understanding that by copying characters I am only creating more characters eventually loosing all sense of self and within that I forgive myself for abusing my physical body for competition like a race horse for sake of playing competitive characters

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that playing the BMX character on a bike allowing myself to be in 'the zone' and feel in control of myself was simply a distraction like all distractions where I would use the zone as a distraction/drug to experience myself for a short moment without the fireworks in my head and within that not realizing that this short meditation would not take away the point I was trying to escape within that I see I was already creating the basic construct for all addictions that followed later

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see falling of my bike abusing my physical body in the process as a character builder and within that I forgive myself for creating the character of the tough guy allowing myself to connect being on a bike to confidence thus creating on the bike=in character/of the bike=out of character and within that creating the basic impulse of using characters to deal with my internal turmoil instead of trusting the physical as breath as me here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to feel good endorphins created by exposing myself to physical and mental stress and within that abusing my physical body in the process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become depressed because I couldn't compete because of injuries inflected on myself by pushing myself over the limit and within that I forgive myself for not taking self responsibility for my own actions as the extreme sports character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel superior to others within the point of fearlessness within and as the extreme sports character being able to control my fears and project fearlessness as a distraction to hide my insecurities

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and others as lonely insecure guys overcompensating with huge amounts of bravado, testosterone and good skills within and as adrenaline junkies

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to I identify myself with the image and mentality of all-round sportsmanship, courage, fearlessness, speed that is called extreme sports including the after party characters that belong to the scene within and as image, looks, clothing, music, brands, and use of words

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compete in sports in order to give my ego the 'all you can eat experience' trough participating in competition with the soul purpose of winning at the cost of others

Day-008-Advanced negotiating skills and the road to succes

(talking to much part II) 

So I'm looking at this possession where I start to talk and talk and talk. A simple question like; "is it raining outside?" will become a speech about low pressure zones and humidity. Talking for the sake of talking. Where I miss a point and allow myself to start making this horrible noise and drift off into this strange dimension spewing out knowledge and information causing the weather to change.

All this chaos  instead of saying; "yes it's raining outside".

I know someone who's infected with the same virus and what I observe with him is that this mechanism of talking to much kicks in the moment he's not getting attention or cannot participate within the conversation because the subject is unknown. He sees this is happening but he cannot help himself. He will interrupt, change the subject and start blabbering exactly like I do. I'm accepting and allowing myself to be overruled by emotions of inferiority and self doubt which triggers this pattern where my mind will find a source of knowledge and information related to the subject and start spewing out words. These are batlle raps coming from the ego where I claim all the space not allowing the other person to just be. In fact ignoring the person the moment I start to rant. Not taking the person into consideration what so ever. My gift to humanity becomes this blabbering personality. WTF part II.

In a nutshell this is what I observe within myself. A mechanism to focus attention on myself with no reason other than getting attention and this process is so automated that I become the talk I talk. It's an energy addiction manifesting itself as verbal diarrhea It happens regardless of the consequences and it fuck's up important moments in my life because I cannot be effective within communicating myself. It limits me within everything because it's fucking up my communication completely; a point that really counts in a world of money and information. I see that being able to have a conversation that stays on track and to the point and that not wastes time thus money is key in this world we live in at the moment. From whatever perspective I'm looking at it it's stupid and it has to stop. I commit myself to slow this process down and stop myself participating within this construct of talking to much.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to talk to much

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste other peoples time spewing out verbal diarrhea as knowledge and information

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop myself as I start to talk to much and spew out useless knowledge and information

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to present a enhanced picture of myself in order to be perceived as something I am not, realizing that I do this out of inferiority where I allow shyness to become verbal diarrhea.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to what to give a perfect presentation of myself realizing seeing and understanding that I have no definition of perfection and whatever I do It would be a projection thus not real

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see realize and understand that perfection is a physical process and not something the mind can produce

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a screw up because I failed to present the perfect picture

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe something like a perfect picture could exist.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel embarrassed seeing myself within this repeating pattern of talking to much

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a bad performer seeing realizing and understanding that it's the very act of acting and playing out re-acting to my own energy that is the cause for ending up in this painful situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value myself as inferior for having self doubt

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the surge of energy that came up as enthusiasm while talking to another person

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to switch into or accept another personality to possess me completely within and as the point of talking to much

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the mistake of going into the old pattern of talking to much because I fear the unknown within as a new expression of silence within me

30 05 2012-I talk to much

I have been in this situation so often it's becoming ridiculous. I have to take this point by the balls because it's starting to really bug the hell out of me.  Ok, first of all it's painful to admit that I talk 'too much'! Yes I'm that person that starts talking and then you wonder what the fuck is this guy going on about? I'm the fucker that usually spoils the 'party'. Taxi we are leaving? I start and don't stop. I'm capable of having a conversation and then start monologging like a villain to a superhero. I'm aware I'm doing this. However I keep talking. WTF! Why is it that I know I talk too much? And why is my ego interfering at the moment. Because I didn't gave a perfect presentation of myself. I was not the man I wanted to present. I wanted to be something I'm not (yet). I didn't want to be that guy that talked to much. I don't even know if the person enjoyed my company. Could be or not be. Whatever the case I talked too much and I don't feel good about it and that is an emotional response so let me investigate that shit.

I know some people tend to find me interesting enough to start a conversation. I'm not rich, so they are not after my money. The looks? Don't think so. I don't have to hide myself but Tom Ford has nothing on me. All I know is that I have a mode where I talk to fucking much. Why? See me. Here I am. I have a voice. I do exist. I have an opinion. I'm capable of understanding fairly complex concepts so I'm not stupid. I like your companionship now let me entertain you so you be entertained. Don't leave your seat and please stay for the second act. Don't leave me in this empty theater called my restless mind where I don't know what to do with myself. I might have an overwhelming urge to present myself but I have a big enough inferiority complex to use as an excuse. Sorry that's how I am, can't help myself now let me be and swarm in self doubt, sorry, self reflection. That sounds much more grown up doesn't it you innocent ego you are.

I had a very pleasant encounter with another dog owner. We let the dogs play around and as we where sitting by the water listening to our dog stories we talked about dogs and we where enjoying the expression of the dogs playing around. It soon became clear that we had a openness we shared towards one another because It was very easy to talk. I didn't experience the reservedness I mostly encounter when I meet people in public. Often people are closed up and don't want to share themselves and it's a robotic hello, nice weather and goodbye. So as we talked it soon became clear we had some things in common. I was invited for coffee so we walked to her house where the conversation continued. We both are from the same village and it became clear we are related as family. Which explained the resonance I felt with this person. However as more and more facts where shared I somehow ignored the energy surge within me that came up as enthusiasm. I accepted and allowed myself to switch into that personality of myself as the orator telling stories because I want to tell the stories. I became A blabbering waterfall of verbal entertainment diarrhea. This person might have had a different experience I am absolutely sure I allowed myself to get possessed. I gave myself a finger and I had to take the whole hand.

So I cant help myself. Mmmmm. Well I can actually. Fuck! I have al the tools at my disposal. I can count to ten, breath, listen and observe myself. Why de fuck did that go down the drain tonight? I made a mistake (again) how to take the next take?

To be continued

Day 005-Fearing the Being sick

Over the last few days I felt illness manifesting inside my body. I felt increasingly weaker, couldn't concentrate well. I got a sore throat and nose. A tooth pain developed that crawled up behind my nose and right eye which became a permanent headache. It was weekend so I didn't make a great deal out of it thinking it could be anything. The pollen in the air, a stress release. However as the days past I allowed myself to become more and more unstable and somewhere down the line I felt fear.

I see myself lying in bed on painkillers with this pain in the background waiting till the drugs wear of. I see myself wondering if the pain will be gone by the time I have to get back to work because I will not be able to do my work in this condition. At this point I see myself lying in bed sick making projections about the future out of fear related to work thus money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make projections about the future while being in bed feeling sick.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear pain connected to being ill
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear feeling physically uncomfortable
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being unstable and unfocused caused by physical illness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect weakness to illness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the ability to concentrate to being healthy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make projections about the future out of fear because of being ill instead of standing one and equal with my physical discomfort breathing and allowing the pain to tell it's story.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge being ill as a mind trick to procrastinated jobs at hand

Day 001-Fear of commitment

Yesterday as a group it was decided that from now on we will write a little everyday.

FROM NOW ON I WILL COMMIT MYSELF TO WRITE EVERYDAY, NO EXCUSES.

Is that realistic? Can I get this into a practical agreement with myself? Do I even dare to consider doing this. Damn it's scares me all ready. This is a great opportunity to expose myself more to others as I walk this process of birthing myself as life by sharing who I am as my mind as what I have accepted and allowed to become 'me'.

This point of willing myself comes with a lot of anxiety. I fear to commit myself to a task that will be there every day. A point that will confront me with the way I commit myself and lack there of. This time it will be visible to the public. No hiding so if I fail it will be a public fail. That's fear of being judged by others. There is shame, ego fear of failure. All those points open up within this single point of a daily commitment of sharing myself. I also fear that my words and the way they are placed are not 'good' enough. That I have to perform adding another pressure point to be managed in daily life that is sheer pressure as it is.

On the other hand this is a great opportunity to reveal the true nature of who I have become within those points. Points that exist within others as well. This could actually assist others as lot's of writings by fellow Destonians have assisted me greatly. Because this is a daily commitment it will show me acting or not acting within this agreement. Within these writings I will focus on one point during my day and apply Self forgiveness on that point. My first point is fear of commitment and this is a cool point because I wasn't consistent in my writings let alone my self forgiveness anyhow. So that's out. Giving into resistance is a major point to face for everyone. For me it 'feels' like the same resistance I had doing my homework as a kid. Looking for all possible ways to not do that daily shit and get it over with.

It's like Dr. Ferrari said; "Telling someone who procrastinates to buy a weekly planner is like telling someone with chronic depression to just cheer up". Well knowing that depression is just another form of procrastination as I accept and allow the mind to rule my emotions. I see it's time to address these points like I addressed other points in my life. It's time to pick up the pace and walk as 'we' walk.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear committing myself to this agreement of writing every day.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the future
I forgive myself for fearing myself within the point of self reflection as who I am within my actions
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear public reaction and opinion towards my writings
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to self sensor my writings in order to project a better image or picture presentation of myself within my writings.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear writing these self forgiveness statements knowing they will reveal the true nature of who I am and have become.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into resistance as tiredness seeing it's my mind instead of real physical tiredness

The ‘Being’ and the baby...

Trigger

Yesterday it became official that my ex girlfriend and my daughter are going to move to a different city in Germany. The past six and a half years my daughter grew up to be a well-spoken little girl that I saw nearly every week. The physical distance between us was a little half hour by car. This will now increase too about 2 hours (if there are no traffic jams in the ‘ruhr area’ in germany). It doesn’t take a scientist to see the implications this will have on my relationship with my daughter. Everything is going to change from seeing each other on a regular basis to the holidays and long weekends. That’s off coarse on paper because depending on how my work (financial) situation will develop there is no telling if I can make myself available during all the school holidays they have in Germany. So to keep it short, a big point fell through in my life. I can finally start dealing with that point as what I manifested in this reality as fatherhood. The developing situation confronts me with the question of fatherhood in the broader perspective of not being physically on call. I’m removed to the background of the parental/family structure and through that experience points are opening up. These points where hidden so I will try to expand on that.

Consequences

My ex and I never planned for children so that rabbit hole became rather deep for us to navigate. The pregnancy came about due to the simple fact that neither one of us took the responsibilty for ‘birth control’. So we both accepted and allowed ourself to create the reality we face at the moment. It’s the ‘painful’ truth about what I allowed to manifested in this reality. I’m now becoming a symbol I used to despite. My backchat comes up with things like: A father in the distance. A father in the background, never there when I needed you, he lives in Holland and I seldom see him. It’s one of my worst nightmares and it’s manifesting in reality as we speak. Never ever would I see myself here the way it turned out. I look at my thoughts and emotions and the whole spectrum is opening up. Guild, defeat, loss, responsibilty, self judgement. The list is endless. But the situation is irreversible and was always in the back of my mind. A side effect thereof was that I somehow never dared to completely attach myself emotionally to my daughter out of fear of becoming completely lamed the moment this situation would present itself.

I will have to expand on this in a dedicated post because our actions dictate this reality. I'm facing my actions. The consequences are here and they are as real as it gets.

No ego no friction

Looking at the way my daughter and I interact I wonder what the outcome would be if she would experience me having an ‘emotional’ breakdown right now. If I wouldn’t be in ‘process’, facing myself from a different perspective my reaction to this situation would definitively be more emotional. Would that serve my daughter? I don’t think so. So from a starting point of ‘what’s best for all’ the decision to move is fully acceptable. My ex needs a steady job with a ‘future’. Her family will be close by so she will have a platform of support. These factors are not here at the moment so from that perspective I think things are simply moving where they have to move within the system. Financial stability and building a career. Stability it’s as simple as that. Who am I to disrupt this flow of events. It would be an utterly egocentric manifestation to go into this ‘separated father’ construct and create an emotional mess for myself. This is a typical make or brake situation where one either looses it or walks the path of change. It’s very well possible that this experience will open up more points. I will face them and share them in this blog. For now I have to breath, forgive myself and walk a lot of corrections. Which brings me to the next point.

Applying myself

This means taking everybody in this process in to consideration and walk in the best interest of all. Sounds simple but I find it rather difficult. I don’t find it simple although the equation might be. Taking everything in consideration means being aware of what to take in to consideration. ‘All’ is quite extensive to take into consideration. A vast perspective. A thick jungle of thoughts I get lost inn. This is where I ran into a brick wall yesterday and it triggered a lot of back chat. There was this voice that said “you’re fired”... At that moment looking at that point all emotional hell broke loose. I experienced all those moments in my life where I was in front of another person telling me I could start cleaning up my desk. Saying good by to friends and colleagues. Going trough the phase of loss, humiliation, self-defeat, shame, anger, spitefulness, ignorance, depression, money etc. For anyone who’s ever worked in one place for a prolonged period of time and was sagged, you now the drill.

Was es ist...

In the end it’s all ego of the mind. Self definitions. What I accepted and allowed in my life is what is manifested as me. This is just another outflow of that equation. Why did this point come up. What is there to take from what I see here? What’s the pattern? It’s me accepting and allowing myself to create consequence, have opinions and rebel against the system. But the moment that system gives me resistance I don’t push myself trough. It’s me going into denial and self pity instead of standing up, face the consequences and walk a correction. I start to see why I have great difficulties when it comes to getting in gear. Because I don’t. It’s the superego telling me I’m not to blame. It’s a construct of superiority towards people and situations. I’m special. Somehow the rules of the group don’t apply to me. Strangely enough I experience these moments as fear and inferiority. ‘What’s the use’. ‘It won’t work anyway’. I allow myself to become sad and depressed because ‘I just got fired’. It’s the ego given justification to open up my emotional box of pandora and the whole program can start from scratch.

See what condition my condition is in

If I wouldn’t have been in the Desteni ‘I’ Process being where I am and looking at it from the perspective of oneness and equality, well what can I say. It would have been another energetic experience fuelling the intense bitterness that has been accumulating inside me over time. The projection of that bitterness towards this reality and especially myself has been the cause of countless fuckups that prevented me from simply being ‘successful’. It’s all the things I didn’t want to face in my life? The words I didn’t want to hear or speak. The projects that where cancelled. The jobs I lost. The challenges I didn’t take. The ‘relationships’ that fell. All because I became instable because of this bitterness. So it’s up to me to look at what I try to avoid in this world? What is it that I don’t want to acknowledge within me, my self definitions? How come I never appreciated myself as the things I expressed or achieved as a child the way my daughter is doing right now? So in walking this process all that walk have to be taken in to consideration. It means pushing myself in every second every breath. Can I do it? Hell, I don’t know but I’m trying like never before.

Time / resistance

03 03 2011

Stuff

I find moving myself through resistance very hard to do. Two weeks ago I applied for a job at an advertising agency about 18 km from where I live. I’m looking for a steady job for quite a while now. Running my own business and everything that comes with it simply consumes to much time. And because my income isn’t steady there is always the fear of money. I’m alone so everything that needs to be done has to be done by me. Paperwork, the house, the car, shopping, cleaning, laundry, acquisition, networking, website, etc etc. 

Running Behind

I recently updated the software I work with. These are my tools. The better I understand how they work the more effective I am in producing my work efficiently. I used to invest rather a lot of time keeping up with the developments. The more I can do myself means less external costs. I’m lacking behind big time. It’s actually starting to slow me down. I have to look for stuff in manuals and menu's while I’m working.  At the same time the clock is ticking and I have to get shit done.

Parenting and planning

On top of that I deal with being a parent mostly every weekend. Picking up my daughter on Friday between 12:00-14:00 and returning her to school the next Monday around 08:00 in Germany. I can hardly get any work done during the weekend. I might watch some videos in the evening or read through the material but I can’t push myself to get out of bed and wright an assignment for example. A lot of resistance. This whole time versus money issue is so fucked up. It’s like there is no freedom at all. Every minute has to be planned and time managed or the whole thing falls apart. That’s the main reason I applied for a steady job. 

WTF

At the moment I find it undo able to get everything done to the minimum standards and investing a responsible amount of time into my Introduction course at the same time. Around 21.00 I’m mostly done. Cant really concentrate. After a day like today where I was really submerged in working out design issues for a client I notice this huge barrier when I switch over to the Desteni material. I start reading and I notice that I can’t get it into my head. And I know it has to become me. Not second nature but first nature. I don’t see myself doing this if my life stays organized like this and at the same time I don’t have a clue on how to organize it otherwise.

Today I got the phone call from the owner of the agency. And he told me he was very sorry but he just couldn’t fit me into a 4 day work schedule. He really needed someone that would be there at least 40 hours. In advertising this means at leat 50 to 55 hours a week. Not including drive time. It’s just impossible. The thing I keep running into is always the same. No option to work part-time. It’s either a shitty job that doesn’t bring enough money or working my ass off and come home wrecked. That’s when the other list has to be done. I know that there are people who do this. How?

When and how

It’s so abstract to me. it’s like that right now. I’m simply tired and want to lay down. Maybe watch a few videos in the videos section on the Desteni site but that’s it. Diving into the DIP, analysing sentences, interpreting words in english and than writing it out. No thanks. My head refuses completely. This is not working. I assumed that an hour a day as was indicated would be enough to stay on track. But I can’t get it done. It all takes way more time than I expected.

Really have to breath and relax now. Been behind this computer from 08.15 this morning with hardly no breaks. I want to lie down now and I’m going to lie down now. Today is done.