I have been in this situation so often it's becoming ridiculous. I have to take this point by the balls because it's starting to really bug the hell out of me. Ok, first of all it's painful to admit that I talk 'too much'! Yes I'm that person that starts talking and then you wonder what the fuck is this guy going on about? I'm the fucker that usually spoils the 'party'. Taxi we are leaving? I start and don't stop. I'm capable of having a conversation and then start monologging like a villain to a superhero. I'm aware I'm doing this. However I keep talking. WTF! Why is it that I know I talk too much? And why is my ego interfering at the moment. Because I didn't gave a perfect presentation of myself. I was not the man I wanted to present. I wanted to be something I'm not (yet). I didn't want to be that guy that talked to much. I don't even know if the person enjoyed my company. Could be or not be. Whatever the case I talked too much and I don't feel good about it and that is an emotional response so let me investigate that shit.
I know some people tend to find me interesting enough to start a conversation. I'm not rich, so they are not after my money. The looks? Don't think so. I don't have to hide myself but Tom Ford has nothing on me. All I know is that I have a mode where I talk to fucking much. Why? See me. Here I am. I have a voice. I do exist. I have an opinion. I'm capable of understanding fairly complex concepts so I'm not stupid. I like your companionship now let me entertain you so you be entertained. Don't leave your seat and please stay for the second act. Don't leave me in this empty theater called my restless mind where I don't know what to do with myself. I might have an overwhelming urge to present myself but I have a big enough inferiority complex to use as an excuse. Sorry that's how I am, can't help myself now let me be and swarm in self doubt, sorry, self reflection. That sounds much more grown up doesn't it you innocent ego you are.
I had a very pleasant encounter with another dog owner. We let the dogs play around and as we where sitting by the water listening to our dog stories we talked about dogs and we where enjoying the expression of the dogs playing around. It soon became clear that we had a openness we shared towards one another because It was very easy to talk. I didn't experience the reservedness I mostly encounter when I meet people in public. Often people are closed up and don't want to share themselves and it's a robotic hello, nice weather and goodbye. So as we talked it soon became clear we had some things in common. I was invited for coffee so we walked to her house where the conversation continued. We both are from the same village and it became clear we are related as family. Which explained the resonance I felt with this person. However as more and more facts where shared I somehow ignored the energy surge within me that came up as enthusiasm. I accepted and allowed myself to switch into that personality of myself as the orator telling stories because I want to tell the stories. I became A blabbering waterfall of verbal entertainment diarrhea. This person might have had a different experience I am absolutely sure I allowed myself to get possessed. I gave myself a finger and I had to take the whole hand.
So I cant help myself. Mmmmm. Well I can actually. Fuck! I have al the tools at my disposal. I can count to ten, breath, listen and observe myself. Why de fuck did that go down the drain tonight? I made a mistake (again) how to take the next take?
To be continued
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