Day-022-About the money

This is a follow up on:
Day-021-I don't need your opinion I need you to get my shit done!!!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to relate everything in my reality to money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become unstable because I fear loosing money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let money determine my behavior, persona and base all my actions on money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect money to fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect money to my jobs

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect money to my company

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my assumptions about money on my reality thus creating my financial reality not knowing for a fact if what I see is what is in fact

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect myself to money and identify myself with money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within the money point always think about myself first

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear loosing my position, my stand out of fear of loosing money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect money to pressure and stress

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I have to get used to this reality, accept it, merge with it, surrender to it, don't ask questions about it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that within getting used to money I did not see money for what it is and created a pattern and addiction to money and thus did not allow myself to become comfortable with money as 'normal' part of my reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become bitter and judgmental towards money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the responsibilities that come with making my own money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not allow myself to see or accept the point that within every given situation it's me who makes the decision to participate within reality or not and within that I forgive myself for not moving myself out of fear of loosing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that the mind will never surrender thus if I want to change I can not allow myself to stop until it's done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear loosing all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear success as in creating a financial platform of stability from which I'm able to gather information and asses my options regarding my commercial activities as work and thus money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not slow down when the professional situation asked for it and within that sabotage myself within not creating a clear picture for myself as tasks of what to do and when to do them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not educate and train myself within the point of being realistic and allow myself to say 'no' in order to create clear starting points for myself and be professional within the way I communicate and go about my work

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to gather more information when I see I'm not having enough information in order to get my jobs done professionally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not clearly and specifically communicate with other persons in relation to the information I need to do a professional Job

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take out the guesswork by preparing my projects in such a way that it creates clarity about what steps to take and within this create the opportunity of choosing to abort or go ahead and in either case reduce friction between me and my clients

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to educate myself within the point of dealing with friction within relationships realizing that it starts with me and that I have a choice to be part of the problem or part of the solution and that I have not allowed myself to become effective within this point within turbulent situations thus creating friction and sabotaging myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think friction is a fact of life not seeing realizing that it's me who is responsible for creating friction by my own participation within and as my projections, judgment, thoughts, emotions and feelings and within that I realize I have never learned to identify these patterns and give myself a window of opportunity instead kept bouncing back within this point within my relationships

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict seeing and realizing that by fearing conflict I'm in fact creating it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict seeing and realizing that what I fear will materialize because that's what fear does

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resonate that I'm not good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear friction

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to identify my fears by making my daily writing a daily application realizing I can only give myself clarity by taking the time to sit with myself and write myself out instead of thinking about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become scattered within my professional communication because I don't allow myself to gather enough information because I allow myself to rush things and thus risk creating failure out of fear of failing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become easily distracted within and as the mind when other people share information in my presence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to loose myself within the polarity of work instead of creating clarity by identifying the working components as the specific building blocks of a particular project seeing realizing that this is how every project is to be completed doing things step by step in the necessary order

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize I can only create form if I'm clear about function so in order to let form follow function I have to create clarity and perspective on functionality first

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not slow myself down enough before I start participating and or interacting within relationships and within that not realizing i'm creating my own stress and anxiety by not making myself responsible for it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create friction within the point of creating to many loose ends within my projects thus loosing oversight and are thus responsible for creating my own chaos.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that professionally means to always take the human (system) component in consideration meaning that refusing a project because of unrealistic deadlines is also part of my profession.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to give myself total control over my own involvement within my work.


http://desteni.org/
http://desteniiprocess.com/
http://eqafe.com/
http://destonians.com/

Day-021-I don't need your opinion I need you to get my shit done!!!

This is a follow up to:
Day-020-Fear of success

Opening up the point of self sabotage further. I want too have a look at a situation at work involving the way I work. How I experienced myself within the outflow and the work itself. To start of I realize that my work is the 'money point' and everything in my reality is related to that point.

I only have to look at myself and the people around me to see what happens if this point becomes unstable. Everything as in my whole persona', my whole being becomes unstable because I fear to have no money. I don’t hear people about it but I see it all around. My money determines my life my world, my universe because my world evolves around me. It's my job, my company, my family, my responsibility, it's my projections unto my reality and it is my reality. My money or lack of it creates my reality.

I can pretend that it’s not the case but when the shit hit's the fan I think about myself and the money before something else first. It’s like a reflex and sometimes it’s not even concious. Within my reality I'm always arguing for my limitations because I fear loosing my position, my stand. And from where I am standing the point becomes most prominent within work and my working environment. There is always the pressure of doing things as efficient as possible because time = money and somewhere there is this primal fear that there is someone who can do it faster than me. It's called the rat race and yes I'm a rat too.

Within the current money system there will be friction surrounding this point. Money itself lubricates, the getting it creates friction and this is where I find myself within my daily reality where I have to get used to IT. Used to this reality? Accept it? Merge with it? Surrender to it? Don't ask questions about it? All this time all my life not realizing that within getting used to it I was creating friction within my relationship with money instead of the other way around.

Money lubricates the system thus it lubricates everything. No money no movement. Looking at it from the slot I have created for myself over time makes this point my 'bitter pil'. Reality is hard to swallow because it's unacceptable and I ‘know’ it. I educated and developed myself within the money point as bitter and judgmental and from these observations come the insights of what is required and I fear the responsibilities that come with getting myself here.

If I where a bit more ‘stupid’ or blind I would not have seen it and probably take the whole thing for granted and get used to it no questions asked. Yes the same old: "That's what it is children, better get used to it". I never wanted to see or accept the new perspective that within every given situation it's me who makes the decision to participate or not. That it’s all about my acceptance and allowances. I so much want to blame someone or something fore the fuckup seeing and realizing that blame is just another part of the puzzle and that I’m a part as well.

I'm shit scared to take full responsibility for that point. My judgment and assumptions make sure the 'I am not good enough' character is kept in the play never giving myself the experience of going all the way and succeeding by doing what is nessecary. What I'm starting to see is that the mind will never surrender so I have no other option than to never give up. So eventually It boils down to seeing myself as the mind that refuses to give up. Slow down-stop-give it up-loose it all.

LOOSE! WTF! NO!

Haha. So back-to-the-chat to work where I found myself again in a situation where I had to say 'no' and I didn't. I was asked if a certain job could be done in a certain amount of time. In itself a simple question. I was lacking information and I allowed myself (as so often) to not follow the elementary procedure. I thought I could avoid friction not seeing realizing that I was only postponing a point thus creating it. I can safely say I'm identifying and mapping a prominent construct within me here. In order to get things done I need all the information. From that point I can  investigate and make calculations which take out the guesswork and allows me to make a todo list and get clarity on the steps to take. It reduces the risk of having to abort a mission which is always more costly than not starting one.

SO within this I see myself having to answer the question of starting a mission or skipping it and answering the ‘bloody’ question 'why?'. Also not seeing realizing the point that giving myself the answer will not, is not to avoid friction but will reduce it. There will always be resistance. The question is how I am going to deal with it as in DEAL! with it. I see the point I created within myself over time.

As so many I fear conflict. I avoid it and I realize that by doing so I create it. I fear friction as conflict as having to stand my ground and within that allowing myself to think I'm not 'good' enough. And so I find myself struggling to stand my ground. Here I enter the point of self sabotage fucking up before I even start simply because I do not give myself clarity and allow myself to identify and step over my fears. And then I find myself juggling with the polarity of two components.


1. If I start the mission I create friction within the point of too many loose ends and I will create chaos.
2. Aborting the mission will create friction within the point of not solving a clients 'problem' thus create friction with a client.


(Fear component being that in both cases I will loose).

Within the whole construct is the component of me having to make a decision and loose or not giving myself control over my own involvement within the process. Meaning = to stop thinking and take action step by step.

I realize and see that I cannot avoid conflict when I'm the one creating it and thus become the participant and thus allow conflict to exist in this world instead of stopping it through taking self responsibility within this point within each breath. I realize I can do my part by redefining my approach to work and look at my definition of professionalism and not connect work to fear and as a consequence allow myself too loose grip on myself and my actions thus becoming unprofessional.

Why do I always start to justify myself for the ‘quality’ of my work within my work environment and why is it so automated? The reactions I sometimes get from so called bosses says it all. "I don't need your opinion I need you to get my shit done…." Eventually It's looking into the mirror of me, me, me.

Interesting within my work I need to think and reflect and come up with concepts that create polarities and opinions and perspectives and the moment they have to be transformed into money it must go through the process of friction. There seems to be no way around it. So Looking at it from that perspective it kind of comes down to my situational awareness. Am I aware of the situation. Can I identify all relevant aspects within and take them and myself into consideration within my decision making process.

apparently  the professional is not allowing himself to be one...

More to come

Day-019-Save me and then leave me alone

Another month has expired. A period where I had to face myself as resistance. Being with myself and experiencing myself as a little child that does not wan't to move what-so-ever. I needed a kick in the ass. Or maybe a freight train. Anyway I want to thank a certain someone for the booty.

What is the main point here? What is it i'm looking at? First off I do not sit with myself and take the time to really look at what is going on in my life from the perspective of cause and effect. How do I experience myself after a days work? Who am I within the nitty gritty of my behavior at the end of a day? What where those mood swings about today? Why is it so hard to come to that point where I sit with myself and look at the reactions, emotions, feelings I had during a day?

Let's face it who voluntarily does shit like that after a hard days work? Only those freaks at Desteni. Am I one of them? I just want to crash like I always did. The way I programmed myself during the last twenty or so years working 09.00-19.00. After that It's my fucking time now leave me the fuck alone (yes i'm talking to myself here). All I want to do if I have done as little as possible is go home and relax. Take my mind of the daily which is this fucked up reality. SO here I look at my basic program I developed over the past twenty or so years. Ending up on the couch smoking pot.

Stopping cigarettes and weed gave me perspective on what it means to become a habit instead of looking at one. I'm looking at habits that are part of personalities that I have designed over time within and as the mind. All accepted and allowed by me the director to be part of who I am.

It's quite a 'little' fuckup i'm looking at and it is up to me to take responsibility for cleaning out my closet. I see that no one will do it for me. I have been depressed enough to see that that is a mechanism within me. I have used it as a child to manipulate and get things my way. It is part of my persona. I have used it within my relationships and I'm still using it. Fuck it up as the easy way so I don't have to do it the hard way and go through that point of resistance to succeed.

At one given time we have all pretended to be sick in order to stay in bed that extra day in order to stay out of school. It's interesting to look at being self employed from that perspective because when I don't move myself everything stops because the money will stop. I'm completely self responsible for what I do in that area. It's all my creation and there's no one to blame but me (I hate that lol).

Within this I see myself and often a break or a pause will immediately trigger guilt. As If I have to be doing something al the time. Subsequently I see myself struggle with pushing myself within these moments where I have to take time to sit with myself and write myself out to get perspective and clarity.

I can see the bullshit because in the end I'm looking for distractions away from facing myself within who I am within this moment within reality because that is me within my physical actions (and that is not a pretty picture). I see myself come home doing all sorts of things (that also have to be done) but sitting with myself and writing out my day is always last on my list which makes it a low priority.

I experience a huge resistance toward taking myself seriously. To look at who I really am within my own experience as I walk myself through daily life. Observing myself and my actions and putting that shit down in front of me. It has the same feel as dragging myself to school as a kid. OK the resistance is huge let me leave it there.

I will myself to take this point by the balls. If I want to change this than that can only come from doing so. Moving important things to the bottom of my list means I make them unimportant and so I find myself doing them late in the evening and that simply does not work. The whole mechanism is one of 'self sabotage'. OK. There it is.

So if the resistance is huge than I must have a lot to hide from myself. Another reason for me to avoid the investigation. The point that came up this week and I saw it very clearly is that I'm utterly and completely addicted to sabotaging myself. I'm refusing to accept that I'm of mind and the mind is a program that does NOT want to change. I can only influence this process through deprogramming which is physical action as writing so here I am trying to restart my process.

Interesting word  'Influence' (influenza) = insert a virus = genetically alter myself lol

Within my process = daily life I take myself way to serious and I take everything personal as the mind and that will trigger personalities that have relationships with others and it will influence the way others perceive 'me' and my interactions. Most of the time I cannot see this while I'm participating within those relationships because my reactions are so automated. I will myself to breath and observe myself. It's when I have to process a lot of information simultaneously that I often find myself in the middle of a possession unable to stop participating as a certain character. And that's why I have to write this shit out. Writing that shit out means becoming intimate with myself which brings me full circle. It can only be that point. I fear self intimacy. I fear that point. I avoid that point.

More to come

Day-013-My Adrenaline Junkie character

I was having a conversation with someone and he said he observed periods in my life where I would only talk about biking. Whatever the conversation was about I would somehow bend it and bring it back to biking. Within this I see that I have always allowed myself to become completely possessed within hobbies or sports. Who am I as this competitive and fanatical character? How did I build that character and why?

As a child I spend a lot of time outside. Specifically in or around trees. I loved climbing as long as I can remember. Looking back and seeing myself as a child climbing trees I see that I really enjoyed climbing. I see myself enjoying the way it involved all my senses, moving forward, back, left, right an also up and down which added another dimension. Then there was the experience of gravity and being suspended.


Speed
I also loved speed. And looking at my family I can see why. My father and his brothers are al post war children that grew up in a period that was all about 'the war'. Fighter pilots, spitfires, speed and espionage! I grew up with these stories about the second world war and all the technology involved. Most books I was reading as a little boy where about these subjects and I lived a lively fantasy with all these pictures. War and everything involved had (and still has) a big influence on the characters I create and live out.

Within this I created the character of the dreamer, not so interested in social activities and more distant from other kids. The voices in my head always told me why and how I had other, more 'important' things to do. Within my mind was this permanent fireworks display, this uninterrupted stream of fantasies and projections of big adventures I had to undertake.

Bringing the point here shows me how I existed within that experience of myself as that never ending stream of information that poured from my subconscious into my head. I realize I had no words to describe what was going on with me. I generated so much energy within me and that might explain why I couldn't sit still. Within this I see and realize that I was a compressed spring, always ready to spring into action. I felt stable and relaxed when I was moving. In other words doing something physical and within that would not be in my head so much. I would (as an adrenaline junkie) always  be looking for something that required total physical attention and involved all my senses as much as possible.

Pedalling
The moment I got my first bicycle was an experience I can only compare with the energetics of falling in love. I had butterflies in my stomach. My character on a bike was like this little energetic turbine spinning as I learned to bike and pedal my way around. Within this and on my bike I created a lot of characters. I was a pilot, racer, cop, fireman, astronaut etc. My bike allowed me to become every character that had fast as an expression.

I enjoyed speed and G–forces and the first roller coaster ride in a theme park was a life changing experience. Back home I would try to recreate that experience of being on the roller–coaster on my bike. With time biking became effortless. I was flying around and covering distances that would take me hours to do on foot. Biking around the neighborhood on my bike made my world smaller.

I was on my bike more than on my feet and biking to me felt more 'natural' then walking. Then BMX hit the scene and as I saw the first image of a real BMX bike I was stunned. It took me about two hours to completely strip my bicycle from all the unnecessary parts down to it's bare essentials and I created the BMX character. From that moment on I started digging trails with the other boys in the neighborhood who also stripped their bikes and adopted a BMX character. We had our private little BMX track next to our house. The stage was set and we enjoyed the play of flowing through berms picking up speed doing switchbacks and jumping around. I realize that playing the BMX character on a bike allowed me to be in 'the zone' and feel in control of myself instead of being ruled by the fireworks in my head.

Biking was my stability point, and because it involved a lot of falling it was also a 'character builder'. A way to express myself and within that is the point of feeling more confident on the bike than of the bike=in character out of character=on drugs of drugs. Whatever I takes to cope with the world.
That soothing tiredness after the adrenaline rush. Endorphins as the morphine to hide myself from the confrontation with myself. When I started doing less sport I started smoking more pot. I never looked at it like this but it makes total sense to me now.

Within all extreme sports people talk about 'the zone'. It's a place where 'normal' people would step on the brakes. Were you think you loose control. Fear steps in and a shot of adrenaline comes to warn you you are 'officially' outside your comfort zone and about to die. This is where most people start screaming inside a roller coaster because their 'instinct/fear' tells them to get out of the situation.

Fear as a personal coach
I always enjoyed that moment where I saw the fear inside myself come up and was able to greet it with a smile. The edge of fear became like a familiar character and if one is with a familiar character one tends to be more relaxed. When I found myself doing something extreme (stupid) I was always aware of the warning lights and alarm bells going of. I always felt fear but I was able to keep it in the background like my personal coach thus creating the character of the personal coach within and as my fears.

Within the zone all those little voices in my head where silenced. Rare moments where my mind would shut up for a few moments like standing inside the eye of a hurricane. There are a lot of kids who would be on medicines right now if it wasn't for their skateboard, BMX bike or whatever adrenaline pump they have.

Gaining Confidence within the zone allowed me to go beyond what I thought where my fears and faster than 'the competition'. That created the character of a winner and over time within that I created the adrenaline Junkie and extreme sports character. When I see interviews with guys from the xtreme sports community (they are mostly guys), I cant help but see the same characteristics coming from the same kind of script. Huge amounts of bravado, testosterone and a good skill set.

My thingie
I always had a fascination for extreme sports. Every opportunity I got to do something extreme I took no questions asked. As an adolescent they could have strapped me to a rocket unable to wipe the smile of my face. Looking back also within my family it makes sense. I identified myself utterly with characters of bravado, courage, fearlessness and speed. That whole thing they call extreme sports including the after party characters that belong to the scene.

Whatever we call ourselves within the activity or sports we practice in the end It's all competition and no one wants to be last. The place I compete is where I give my ego the 'all you can eat experience'. It's being with the monkeys screaming in the trees.

Sport could be so much more within and as a physical release and that's why I try to write some words down because I think that sport should be about physical expression without any form of competition or ratings and within that we will inevitably com across the money point.

I had to drive around and train on a piece of junk for years before I sold all my lego and got my first 15 kilo BMX bike that took a lot of leg to get moving. My adrenaline Junkie character spited (rich) kids and at the same time drooled over the bikes they had. Bikes that where 7-8 times more expensive than the little monster I drove around. The only status I could press out of my character was in the driving I did. I could only make sure I was fast and fearless. When I meet people I haven't seen for a while they mostly remember me as that character. Biking has always been my stability point and thus Achilles heel. No biking meant becoming unstable.

Recap
So within me is the character as the biker as confidence. Within doing extreme sports the adrenaline junkie character gave me the experience of success that I was not able to give myself in school, relationships, etc. Eventually this extreme sports character took the main stage on my world stage. Where I always had to push things over the limit. Where I always had the last say in things and provoked people in order to hide my own insecurity. It's why I pulled towards people that where a bit of center. Crazy ones, eccentrics, outcasts and underdogs. That's why I never was a successful athlete. I trained like one but lacked the ambition and discipline to compete every weekend and I feared the so called real athletes because I couldnt quite grasp where they where coming from. Apparently it was not my starting point to compete as an athlete and at the same time I enjoyed racing other guys in competition. I have been in competition with myself until I discovered within self honesty that I will eventually always be my own competitor like a dog chasing it's tail. Eventually the Mount everest will have an elevator and climbers will realize that you might as well cross the Sahara backwards. Eventually it's a biggest dick contest like all competition.

I created a character and with that came an addiction and as with all addictions I needed more drugs killing myself in the process. I wanted to beat myself which is impossible. I can only deprogram myself and that starts by killing my characters. It's funny to see that sports is actually more fun if there is no competitive character involved because it will become expression of self movement and within that I have to become intimate with myself. A point I have not yet fully embraced so an opportunity to observe myself as I slowly detox and deprogram the extreme sports character and allow self intimacy to step forth.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become completely possessed within and as the adrenaline Junkie

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for creating a competitive and fanatical character within and as the adrenaline junkie?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that I really enjoyed myself climbing as a child physically expressing myself within the experience of gravity and being suspended moving forward, back, left, right an also up and down without competitiveness and within that I forgive myself that I didn't see realize understand that this is my physical expression without the self-destructive competitive component, within that I see that I have created competition as the winner looser within thus allowing it to exist without.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and live the character of the dreamer allowing myself to isolate myself from others and within this I forgive myself for allowing myself to create the voices in my head as excuses to always have more 'important' things to do within and as the isolated character of the dreamer hypnotizing/identifying myself with the fireworks as my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I had no words to describe what was going on with me as a child where I generated so much energy and within that making it impossible to sit still and within that creating the external physical manifestation of restlessness not seeing realizing and understanding that my lack of vocabulary did not allow me to effectively communicate what was going on inside me within that I see and realize that I was creating a lot of tension creating a spring, always ready to spring into action thus creating a character of tension

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify and copy iconic and heroic characters not seeing realizing and understanding that by copying characters I am only creating more characters eventually loosing all sense of self and within that I forgive myself for abusing my physical body for competition like a race horse for sake of playing competitive characters

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that playing the BMX character on a bike allowing myself to be in 'the zone' and feel in control of myself was simply a distraction like all distractions where I would use the zone as a distraction/drug to experience myself for a short moment without the fireworks in my head and within that not realizing that this short meditation would not take away the point I was trying to escape within that I see I was already creating the basic construct for all addictions that followed later

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see falling of my bike abusing my physical body in the process as a character builder and within that I forgive myself for creating the character of the tough guy allowing myself to connect being on a bike to confidence thus creating on the bike=in character/of the bike=out of character and within that creating the basic impulse of using characters to deal with my internal turmoil instead of trusting the physical as breath as me here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to feel good endorphins created by exposing myself to physical and mental stress and within that abusing my physical body in the process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become depressed because I couldn't compete because of injuries inflected on myself by pushing myself over the limit and within that I forgive myself for not taking self responsibility for my own actions as the extreme sports character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel superior to others within the point of fearlessness within and as the extreme sports character being able to control my fears and project fearlessness as a distraction to hide my insecurities

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and others as lonely insecure guys overcompensating with huge amounts of bravado, testosterone and good skills within and as adrenaline junkies

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to I identify myself with the image and mentality of all-round sportsmanship, courage, fearlessness, speed that is called extreme sports including the after party characters that belong to the scene within and as image, looks, clothing, music, brands, and use of words

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compete in sports in order to give my ego the 'all you can eat experience' trough participating in competition with the soul purpose of winning at the cost of others

Day-008-Advanced negotiating skills and the road to succes

(talking to much part II) 

So I'm looking at this possession where I start to talk and talk and talk. A simple question like; "is it raining outside?" will become a speech about low pressure zones and humidity. Talking for the sake of talking. Where I miss a point and allow myself to start making this horrible noise and drift off into this strange dimension spewing out knowledge and information causing the weather to change.

All this chaos  instead of saying; "yes it's raining outside".

I know someone who's infected with the same virus and what I observe with him is that this mechanism of talking to much kicks in the moment he's not getting attention or cannot participate within the conversation because the subject is unknown. He sees this is happening but he cannot help himself. He will interrupt, change the subject and start blabbering exactly like I do. I'm accepting and allowing myself to be overruled by emotions of inferiority and self doubt which triggers this pattern where my mind will find a source of knowledge and information related to the subject and start spewing out words. These are batlle raps coming from the ego where I claim all the space not allowing the other person to just be. In fact ignoring the person the moment I start to rant. Not taking the person into consideration what so ever. My gift to humanity becomes this blabbering personality. WTF part II.

In a nutshell this is what I observe within myself. A mechanism to focus attention on myself with no reason other than getting attention and this process is so automated that I become the talk I talk. It's an energy addiction manifesting itself as verbal diarrhea It happens regardless of the consequences and it fuck's up important moments in my life because I cannot be effective within communicating myself. It limits me within everything because it's fucking up my communication completely; a point that really counts in a world of money and information. I see that being able to have a conversation that stays on track and to the point and that not wastes time thus money is key in this world we live in at the moment. From whatever perspective I'm looking at it it's stupid and it has to stop. I commit myself to slow this process down and stop myself participating within this construct of talking to much.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to talk to much

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste other peoples time spewing out verbal diarrhea as knowledge and information

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop myself as I start to talk to much and spew out useless knowledge and information

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to present a enhanced picture of myself in order to be perceived as something I am not, realizing that I do this out of inferiority where I allow shyness to become verbal diarrhea.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to what to give a perfect presentation of myself realizing seeing and understanding that I have no definition of perfection and whatever I do It would be a projection thus not real

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see realize and understand that perfection is a physical process and not something the mind can produce

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a screw up because I failed to present the perfect picture

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe something like a perfect picture could exist.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel embarrassed seeing myself within this repeating pattern of talking to much

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a bad performer seeing realizing and understanding that it's the very act of acting and playing out re-acting to my own energy that is the cause for ending up in this painful situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value myself as inferior for having self doubt

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the surge of energy that came up as enthusiasm while talking to another person

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to switch into or accept another personality to possess me completely within and as the point of talking to much

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the mistake of going into the old pattern of talking to much because I fear the unknown within as a new expression of silence within me

30 05 2012-I talk to much

I have been in this situation so often it's becoming ridiculous. I have to take this point by the balls because it's starting to really bug the hell out of me.  Ok, first of all it's painful to admit that I talk 'too much'! Yes I'm that person that starts talking and then you wonder what the fuck is this guy going on about? I'm the fucker that usually spoils the 'party'. Taxi we are leaving? I start and don't stop. I'm capable of having a conversation and then start monologging like a villain to a superhero. I'm aware I'm doing this. However I keep talking. WTF! Why is it that I know I talk too much? And why is my ego interfering at the moment. Because I didn't gave a perfect presentation of myself. I was not the man I wanted to present. I wanted to be something I'm not (yet). I didn't want to be that guy that talked to much. I don't even know if the person enjoyed my company. Could be or not be. Whatever the case I talked too much and I don't feel good about it and that is an emotional response so let me investigate that shit.

I know some people tend to find me interesting enough to start a conversation. I'm not rich, so they are not after my money. The looks? Don't think so. I don't have to hide myself but Tom Ford has nothing on me. All I know is that I have a mode where I talk to fucking much. Why? See me. Here I am. I have a voice. I do exist. I have an opinion. I'm capable of understanding fairly complex concepts so I'm not stupid. I like your companionship now let me entertain you so you be entertained. Don't leave your seat and please stay for the second act. Don't leave me in this empty theater called my restless mind where I don't know what to do with myself. I might have an overwhelming urge to present myself but I have a big enough inferiority complex to use as an excuse. Sorry that's how I am, can't help myself now let me be and swarm in self doubt, sorry, self reflection. That sounds much more grown up doesn't it you innocent ego you are.

I had a very pleasant encounter with another dog owner. We let the dogs play around and as we where sitting by the water listening to our dog stories we talked about dogs and we where enjoying the expression of the dogs playing around. It soon became clear that we had a openness we shared towards one another because It was very easy to talk. I didn't experience the reservedness I mostly encounter when I meet people in public. Often people are closed up and don't want to share themselves and it's a robotic hello, nice weather and goodbye. So as we talked it soon became clear we had some things in common. I was invited for coffee so we walked to her house where the conversation continued. We both are from the same village and it became clear we are related as family. Which explained the resonance I felt with this person. However as more and more facts where shared I somehow ignored the energy surge within me that came up as enthusiasm. I accepted and allowed myself to switch into that personality of myself as the orator telling stories because I want to tell the stories. I became A blabbering waterfall of verbal entertainment diarrhea. This person might have had a different experience I am absolutely sure I allowed myself to get possessed. I gave myself a finger and I had to take the whole hand.

So I cant help myself. Mmmmm. Well I can actually. Fuck! I have al the tools at my disposal. I can count to ten, breath, listen and observe myself. Why de fuck did that go down the drain tonight? I made a mistake (again) how to take the next take?

To be continued

How I was Able to Hear the Desteni Message?

12 21 12, 2012, 21 december 12, dec 12 2012, december 12 2011, december 12 doomsday, december 21 2012.

You sharpen the human appetite to the point where it can split atoms with its desire; you build egos the size of cathedrals; fiber-optically connect the world to every eager impulse; grease even the dullest dreams with these dollar-green, gold-plated fantasies, until every human becomes an aspiring emperor, becomes his own God… and where can you go from there? 

"Al Pacino in the Devils Advocate"

I used to believe monsters where hiding under my bed (they actually did). I believed my father was the smartest man in the world and my mother the sweetest mom. I believed I could run as fast as the six million dollar man and that my sword fights were as impressive as those of Rutger Hauer. I believed I could climb like a monkey. Those kind of things I checked out for myself. I would discover quickly if what I believed was true or false simply by going trough the experience.

Learning and getting educated is how I learned to make believe. Getting to know the way things work in the world not why. Learning the basics of the system and getting my brains washed like the religious rituals I had to participate within as a child. I prayed the holy father a lot of times not knowing what the hell I was saying. School started the big load down. The 'god' seed was planted early and I was on my way in the garden of eden.

At some point I gave up. The statement could have been like this. I will bow and accept your world. I will believe what you tell me and try to do as you say. I will go down your road of believes and perceptions. I will climb your tree of knowledge and information. I will not resist the fact you institutionalize me. I will go to your schools. I will form relationships as seen on TV. I will eat sleep and work the way you do to the best of my abilities. I will try my best to play along the personality games. I will forget who I was, were I came from and I will try not ask too many questions. I will probably reproduce and teach my children to do the same. Now leave me alone and let me suppress myself.

I believed in god, Jezus, 'my homeboys', punk, anarchy, violence, deception, manipulation, girls, sex, drugs, sport, addictions, friendship, good, bad, positive, negative, prophets, avatars, light, energy, holographic universes, new age, old school, quantum mechanics, love, spirituality, ascension, meditation, yoga, mystery schools, sufism, veda's, budism, theosophy, etc. etc. I did a fair share of searching for truth and did not avoid certain experiences if you know what I mean. It's a long story.

'How I was Able to Hear the Desteni Message?' It implies that one cannot hear the message. You have to be 'Able' first before you can hear. Interesting. Sounds almost religious doesn't it? How I was Abel and Cain was not. I have been searching for so called 'truth' all my life. I wanted to understand God, this world, myself, my parents, friends, humanity. My place in the universe. There had to be a code or a message fore nothing made sense except chaos. I had to believe in a A God because it gave me something abstract outside myself. Something bigger than me. I 'fell' in love with al my knowledge and I started to build a hell of an ego to manage all that self-love that was so abundantly flowing from within me. 

I used to be convinced there where great 'mystical' powers working for me in the realms of this world. I was spiritual, physical, healthy, sporty and one 'fine' day I had this out of body, kundalini, whatever the fuck you want to call it experience where reality sort of expanded into this timeless holographic white light. I was without form or sense of time. Oh It was so 'life changing and overwhelming'. Beyond words and al that other bullshit definitions that come out when I become possessed and cannot voice myself. 

Interesting I said, "I Wanted to understand God" which implies I didn't. I apparently allowed myself to switch believes from one moment to the next without taking any 'self'-responsibility for it? And we all do this. We all walk this earth projecting bullshit at each other thus making the world a projection of ourselves as that ever changing bullshit we are as our minds. Reality has become a self created concept of chaos and destruction and I kept on blaming others for it. Humanity has become brand names, brand value, loyalty and believe-systems. An infinite loop of advertisements for limitations we accept as our reality. I know one or two things about advertising and I can tell you "reality is worse than you think". What makes me hear the Desteni message? Seeing myself as part of reality is one of the points.

This reality is All Dollah. Allāhu akbar. God is great from the moment time began and our innocent ego's started battling for supremacy. You don't have to be 'intelligent' or 'enlightened' to see this shit. Just look around? It's written in history as our children are taught. It's programmed into every molecule we genetically alter. Unfortunately or in other words us, another fortune later. Truth stares us in the face all the time. 

Someone asked me to take that honest look. Who is God in this world? What creates this world? So I looked from all perspectives and all the viewpoints showed me money. So yeah well eh, money does! Since time began the only thing we do is battle for more. And if money rules the world instead of God  then where is God? And if god is not here then what the fuck happened in heaven? Time to find some answers.

I started investigating Desteni. That's what I did. Try to find the flaws. Assume the worst. It's a cult. A bunch of brilliant freaks. They are on the internet so if anything, they will be exposed. However the more I investigated the more I was blown away by the rawness and honesty I faced. Real People, real names sharing themselves, exposing their secret mind shit openly for all to see and learn. Never in my whole life did I encounter this overwhelming raw honesty as it was shared amongst Destonians. It was confronting and almost scary. I was blown away. This was historic. Why doesn't the whole world now about this? Where was the media? Like I said; reality is worse than we think. Loosing all religion made me feel rather exposed. Naked as you will. Loosing all self definition is not a comfy happening. My realizations where mindblowing. I was able to Hear the Desteni Message because I saw that there is one 'simple' principle that rules them 'all'. 

- 1 principle beyond, separation, beyond religion, science and money

- 1 principle to base all our thoughts on

- 1 principle to base all our actions on 

- 1 principle without exclusivity, without ego

- 1 principle that includes all and thus = best for all

- 1 principle as the solution to the cause of our problem which is separation

- 1 principle that forces one to be self honest and take self responsibility 

As al the 'prophets said "Love thy neighbor". The principle of Equality stands as the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth so fuck me god. This principle made me hear the Destine message. None are free until all are free. How can I accept anything else?

How can I accept myself within separation within believes, religion. My relyons. Seeing that the principle of equality implies 'all' is hard to grasp at times. It's also simple. Creation=All=Equal or nobody is. It implies a lot because it implies all of us. Total transformation. The system has a word to counteract the fact you might realize we as humanity have an option. That word is 'utopia'. The amount of hate that is projected towards Desteni is fascinating and proves beyond doubt that there is something happening. People react very strangely to the truth. I said it before, reality is worse than your nightmares. 

I'm walking with Desteni for about 2 years now. Having applied the tools I have for instance been able to stop addictions like weed and smoking. I have seen myself existing as thoughts emotions and feelings unable to control myself at the same time realizing it's not me. I'm not these thoughts emotions and feelings. I got myself out of a seriously deep depression without consulting a doctor or therapist. I was only using the tools Desteni presents. I pushed myself more than I can ever remember doing. I got a very refreshing look into the world of relationships and sex. I'm becoming more and more aware of my ego as the mind trying to tear me apart. Never silent always on as this is a process within every breath.

I continue to walk and fall. To stand up again and slowly discover who I really am as Life. I script myself and push myself to walk myself into a human being that will honor Life as the physical. Here in every moment asking myself time and time again. Am I here?

The world will wake up to the Desteni message, It's not how it's when. Destonians show the effectiveness of the tools that are shared and researched within thousands of blogs and vlogs. No pseudo's, all under real names for you to read and investigate because we don't want to lose the precious time we have. We all go or no go...

Desteni is the real deal but don’t believe a word I'm saying! Investigate for yourself. I dare you to ask the questions you never dared to ask. See fore yourself that love is not all that matters but all matter or love does not exist!

2012 What if God was one of us?

12 21 12, 2012, 21 december 12, dec 12 2012, december 12 2011, december 12 doomsday, december 21 2012.

Yesterday as I was walking through a supermarket this song “what if god was one of us” played over the public adress system.

If God had a name what would it be?
And would you call it to his face?
If you were faced with him
In all his glory
What would you ask if you had just one question?
What if God was one of us? Tralalalalala etc. etc.

Being inside a supermarket this particular song hit me like a double brainfuck.

What if god was one us?
Shopping around like one of us?
What would be in his shopping chart?
Would he keep it for himself?
Would he pay with credit card?
Where comes his money from?
Would he sing a long with every song?

I almost forgot why I was in the supermarket because the lines Joan Osborn was singing came burning trough my ears. There I was inside that supermarket surrounded by people shopping. Countless brands and products. Everybody kind of in there own little shopping universe with there lives on display as buying behavior in their shopping charts. In the mean time being manipulated through music that is carefully selected to calm down and stimulate buying behavior. Who selected this song and what are it’s statistics as a shopping stimulator? Well it’s 2012 and god is obviously not one of us. I’m shopping around for a better life than my parents as God as one as us.

2012 shows me the end of 'times'. Where Santa became a fairytale. I 'grew' up. Where make belief became reality. Believe becomes humanity. Where we all loose innocence. Where reality becomes us as god as all of us. As above so below. That’s the end of time. Those are my 'end times'. Time is here inside this supermarket without delay. In my face as who I am. As what I have accepted and allowed myself to become as one of us. As you and me. Humanity.

So there I was observing that point of manipulation, judging it, judging myself. I heard myself puffing out a big sigh realizing I have a long way to goo as one of us. As one of the creators of this reality. My professional background as well as my personality is filled with these points of manipulation. I make money with it. I use it to get what I want. I define myself with it as who I am in this world. It's me doing this so you will do that. That’s the point. In self honesty I recognized it. I can because it exists within me as a part of me. Only in self honesty I am able to see it face it and share it.

Manipulation is a part of me and in this case it resonated very strongly within me. This has to stop. No more separation, no more believe systems. One practical system called Equal Money based on one simple principle called oneness and equality. The one and only solution...

That’s why I’m sharing myself here with you within this point. We have to stop manipulating ourselves and thus manipulating our children into becoming manipulators. We are the creators of this reality because we create reality. We are the ones who breed this existence into a reality of manipulation, greed and inequality. I will remember the next time my mind starts humming this song.

If God had a name what would it be?
Money

And would you call it to his face?
Call too face myself

If you were faced with him
In all his glory
Glory = power!

What would you ask if you had just one question?
Please forgive yourself?

E-Valuating my accountability

Expectations
Not so long ago I was in the company of a couple I know very well and another person. There was a conversation going that had to do with the way the business was going and the business wasn’t going to well’. The man owns a company and there was a lot of ranting and gossiping about employees and former employees. Looking at it from his perspective and a matrix standpoint I could see what was going on. The whole thing mainly had to do with ‘motivation’ and ‘responsibility’. Feeling disappointed by people. Not being able to count on or trust people etc. It’s the  standard mechanism of looking for external factors for internal problems. A mechanism I’m very familiar with. Eventually it all comes back to where it all starts and that’s taking self-responsibility. It’s fucking tough but that’s how it is.

Addressing consequences as problems
Through Desteni I finally understand what it means. ‘The response ability’. Sitting there listening to all that was said I couldn’t put my finger on the whole thing. There was this energy response within me. I noticed I took sides in the matter. I participated. So I slowed myself down took a few breaths and refocussed. Give and thee shall receive. That was what was going trough my head. We all are confronted with our own manifested consequences and I was trying to understand what lay at the base of this persons ‘problems’ with other people and therefore ‘his business’.

I mean I know people cannot be trusted before I can trust myself and apply this trust practically. Not before I establish self-trust will I be able to see what’s really going on and see people I interact with for what they are and where their actions originate from. I first have to identify these mechanisms in me before I can even start to recognize them in others. So this whole conversation became quite interesting because I found myself stepping back and almost immediately this energy within me lessened.

I sat there and tried to listen and really hear the words spoken. At one point they where talking about the functioning of one of the staff members and him being not ‘that sharp’ (anymore). In other words one is not satisfied with that person in his role or occupation. However this person happened to be ‘In love’ and so it was not ‘that bad’?

Doesn't "not that bad" mean 'less good' = unsatisfactory = less profit = will get fired in the long run. This is in reverse so "not that bad" must be a justification for something...

My first internal question was: Why is a person less accountable if he or she is in love? And what’s next? Does it matter if one is in love, has a depression or is in denial? What mental state would be considered acceptable or preferable? Apparently one is not accountable if he or she is ‘in love’. So failing from that perspective could be called a ‘crime passion-el’ or ‘Mentally not accountable’. This get’s ever more interesting.

None Sense
What’s the pattern here? Where do these justifications come from? I mean they make no sense whatsoever. There must be a set of rules and they must be socially accepted otherwise more people would get fired for being ‘emotional’ because we 'all' are. I also remembered a fears response earlier when I stated that “being in love is like having a drug problem or mental disease”. Meaning: It's addictive, it fucks you up and it makes you high”. As if I had ‘no feelings’. So cold and emotionless. How could I compare those things...

Off coarse I have feelings and emotions that’s exactly my point. Not looking at them from a self-honest perspective or blindly obeying and reacting to them is what fucked me up every time all the time. I’m getting ever more cautious in that department.

This is all about accountability. The socially accepted pressure point where one fails to do what must be done and get’s away with it. It’s completely infused in the way we act, interact and from their build our morality structures. Looking at this point I find the outcome rather devastating. We are fucking ourselves in the head with this justification shit and everybody is participating. Ranting, raving, gossiping and justifying the fact that we are actually being completely self-dishonest to a point where the whole world has become what it is right now. A horrifying bowl of quilt so big, no one dares to even look at it. I also realize that justifying shit is a tip of a huge iceberg that exists within and as me as I walk this process.

My business will resolve itself...

Het loopt wel los

Today I was on the phone having a conversation. Somewhere down the line I said “this thing will resolve itself” (het loopt wel los). In holland this phrase is used often when something or a subject doesn’t get addressed and or is avoided. It’s mostly spoken in a soothing manner as if the problem isn’t there.

The English translation is not as specific as the phrase we use in Holland. It literally means:

‘It will run loose’. This implicates that there is going to be a  problem. Let’s just wait and see what happens. So actually it’s like the fireman that says “let it burn”. So I’m looking at this phrase and the way I used it.

So what I actually said was: “fuck it”. It implies that I don’t want to deal with it, don’t’ want to think about it. It’s not my problem and not my responsibility. You versus me. It’s an ego thing.

Twents

Now where I live (Twente) we speak a dialect that is more related to the german and english language than dutch and when translated to my dialect this sentence get’s a different meaning.

In dutch ‘los’ means loose. So the thing is running loose and or will come apart. Now in the dialect people speak in my region they say - ‘t löp wa los -. The meaning of the word ‘los’ in this dialect means ‘open’

So there is a subtle difference and it becomes:

“let it run loose” (dutch)

“it will open up” (dialect)

Dutch is a language that was spoken in the west of Holland. Amsterdam, trade, colonialism. It’s where the ships sailed, the trading was done and the slave trade kept the books. 

It’s where the VOC reigned. The first ever company based on shares and shareholders. It was the birthplace of the stockmarket and virtual value. New York used to be new Amsterdam. 

The east of Holland on the contrary was wildland run by farmers that depended on nature and each other for survival. The social structure and means for survival where completely different. For soccer fans this is clearly seen by the way soccer clubs like Ajax and Twente are doing business today. There are subtle differences.

Farming and fighting

A businessman takes risks. He will make a strategic plan based on profit margins and the risk involved. Usually when risks are high, the profit margins are too. This goes for farmers as well as businessmen. However if you are dependent on nature as your prime source of income. It will be nature that dictates almost everything you do. So looking at it from that perspective it makes kind of sense. 

When you prepared the fields and the seeds are in the ground, you nurture and wait till it opens up. Nature supports you and you support nature. If the climate comes your way you might have an extra good harvest and maybe some extra grain to sell. That little extra was = luxury. It enabled the farmer to buy things he didn’t grow on his own land or to buy tools. 

A business man knows that running a (marketing) campaign is like executing a battle plan. The moment you set it off it’s on it’s own. Everything and everybody must stick to the plan otherwise the targets are not met and profit goes down or becomes loss. Shareholders don’t like that. It’s war remember.

Building empires

Don’t be fooled by advertising. Advertising is making friends, it binds the group. It licks your feet and makes you smile. It’s the liar lying in your face with an irresistible smile and blinding white teeth. Marketing is war. It’s what makes everything move and everything is either in or out. 

So make no mistake. If you work in the corporate world and someone tells you that the company is ‘green’, donates to a kitty home, gives 10% away to charity etc. You are being advertised! You are an expandable soldier kept in place by the rules of engagement. You are either a foot soldier an officer or you occupy the war room. It’s as simple as that. I’m not judging. I’m just making an observation here and it might give some perspective on the word ‘workforce’.

Equation

Everything done by the military is done exactly the same in business. Politics simply rule both. Who profits from war and who suffers? It’s always the same. If you grasp that it’s the subtle difference between making a profit at the cost of others or become one and equal with life itself in order to live. Than you understand ‘equal money’. So please let’s investigate together before this blog needs banners to survive.

Let's start a business

Why I started my first business
Back in 1993 I was the 3th of my 6 years in Art School. I was a student leading a student life. Meaning that I had a rather optimistic and careless view on my future and did a lot of partying. I did jobs on the side for a signage company on a regular bases. I didn’t have a lot of money to spent but I would say that I was able to lead a rather careless life. If I really ran into financial problems my parents would help with the little assets they had and I could always drop by for dinner. So I had my own place, education, food, friends and off coarse my bike. I drove my bike everyday. I never made  long term plans for the future. I always thought that the future would turn out fine if I just kept going. What I was doing was far from what so called ‘normal’ people where doing. I was painting abstract paintings, building objects, studied graphic design and typography and I was reading a lot. Most of my reading had nothing to do with Art or Graphic Design. It was on Philosophy, psychology, religion, and science. One subject that was always on my mind was ‘the truth’. As long as I can remember this question bugged the hell out of me. And off coarse I felt rather special.

I think I knew
I was 21 years old and somehow I knew that it was impossible to answer this ‘truth’ question definitively. If the answer had to come from ‘a brain’ we would all be fucked. No matter how intelligent the being might be the answer could not be trusted. From all I read the only conclusion I could draw was that it was all energy, vibration, frequency. Plus-minus, ying-yang, light-dark, rich-poor, warm-cold etc. Looking around the only thing I saw was extreme polarity. I found Quantum mechanics one of the most intriguing subjects at the time. I read a lot of that stuff and was fascinated. It made ‘sense’ because it didn’t make sense and that was as close to reality as it got for me. Strangely enough it also touched a lot of subjects that where very well and scientifically described in the Vedic scriptures I was reading. These where however more than 5000 years old and that raised another book of questions. Are we 5000 years behind? And if so, what the fuck happened during that time? These questions kept me pretty occupied with myself most of the time.

More Money?
Now if money wouldn’t have been a problem this ‘truth’ thing would probably have become my life’s work as an artist. Most of the things I made in school all related back to my central question ‘truth’. At that time I really thought I would become an artist. Living the ‘free’ life. No office cubicles, no nine to five. I felt superior to everything middle-class or had authority. I would become more or less famous and my art would tell the story. Money wouldn’t be a problem. However as time went by ‘reality’ started to burst my bubble. I was paying the rent and it went up every year. I was paying taxes and they went up every year. I did my groceries and they became more expensive every year. In the mean time it seemed like everybody got richer around me and everything got more expensive. It was very upsetting and I realized that I probably missed out an important part of this reality and that was economics.

Taking the short cut
I didn’t have any money and didn’t have a clue about how it worked. So one day this job offer comes in. It meant working with a Mac computer from 08:00 in the morning till 17:30 in the afternoon, inside an office, 5 days a week. The strange thing was that all my ambition and principles kind of went out the window the moment I heard what they where willing to pay me. It was ridiculous. It was more than three times the amount of money I got in at that time. Even my teachers in art school weren’t making that kind of money. So they told me to just go for it. And from one moment to the next I was a 23 year old middle class person in an office cubicle. I became ‘them’. I got my drivers licence. Refurbished my apartment. Paid of my debts. Went on holidays etc. Yes, I got used to money.  It changed my view on life dramatically. After one year I started to become really depressed. I saw people having affairs on the work floor. Dipping responsibilities, going home early. More or less everybody around me was fucking the company so in fact we all fucked each other. It was disturbing and you couldn’t do a damn thing about it except leave. Which I didn’t do because of the money. I felt guilty and at the same time I justified my guild with having no choice. Then the whole plan changed as they planned to move my department from the east of holland to amsterdam in the west. There wasn’t one hair on my head thinking of moving to amsterdam. So I waited till they asked me what I wanted to do. I said that I would not join them and politely refused. The moment they asked me what my plans where I heard myself say I was going to start my own company. Strangely enough a good friend of mine cancelled his plans for a trip around the world and of we where to start our own design/advertising agency.

My banking experience
Now if you don’t have any money to start a business, what do you do? You work and save till you have enough to do so. You use your scarce time to find clients and you build a network right? No. We just made a plan. My friend who is a good writer made a hell of a story out of it. I made a nice book for the story to fit inn. That book was taken to a bank where a nice man with a nice suit looked into it. This man called us back and said that lending us about 150.000 Dutch guilders wouldn’t be a problem. So without any business experience and 150.000 in the bank these two young adults go into business? We didn’t have a clue but we got work inn and we did some rather nice projects. The other story is that after 3 years we where totally busted, our friendship was down the drain and we owed the bank a lot of money. It would have been better to get the money from the Russian around the corner. The Russian was a much better motivator to young adults.

My inner experience
After all this time I know that the one thing that fucked me up the most in doing business was a complete lack of self-honesty. The blind eye is a trap that traps a lot of self employed people. Identify yourself enough with what you do and think and it takes you over completely. I became a jabbering kind of advertising robot spewing out the lingo. After this ordeal I promised myself to never loan from banks ever again. Debt is the shackle that has chained reality. You and I are fucked within the system. Camouflaged with paper and computers and decentralized responsibility. You can’t touch them but they can touch you for sure. Who’s getting the best out of this deal? We are all participating in the biggest pyramid scheme ever and it’s called -economics- Yeah I know, you never see the truth when it’s standing right in front of you. Well this is where that truth finding mission ended for me. This game is the end game and it nears it’s saturation point. This is my wake up call to an equal money system. And now I must make some money, got to eat tomorrow.

Naming my games

10 03 2011

Bodytalk
Today I had my second appointment with my Kinesiologist. The first time I was there, two specific points came trough. One was Earth the other was Water. They where both related to the elements/points of wood and fire. These two came trough as a ‘consequence’. Earth and water kind of in and as the polarity cancelling each other out. Leaving me stuck in the polarity middle or a loop sort of. Being stuck and unable to push/move. Fascinating stuff really.

So after this first consult I kind of stuck to a few simple goals for myself. I wanted to have a few simple routines that I could keep close to me daily and in every moment in an uncomplicated way. Just simple handy tools so I could be applying myself physically in every moment as much as possible. Mainly because I realize that I’m over complicating things most of the time. I had to be in the moment and breath as much as possible. Be in the moment and observe. Observing thoughts as they came up and don’t interact. Second point, keep moving in whatever I’m doing. Keep walking. Get it done, don’t hesitate. Take action again and again. And let go of what just happened as soon as possible.

So just by doing this I immediately got confronted with the waterfall of thoughts and the ridiculous little amount of time I spend in ‘the now’. It was a daily ‘mind-boggling’ experience watching these rivers of thoughts connect to feelings and emotions. So the next thing I tried to do was to apply self-forgiveness. This proved to be too much. This is where I kind of completely lost it.

Thoughts on the horizon
Now this I find very interesting. I noticed the following. Sometimes a thought came up but I wasn’t aware of the fact that I was actually just looking at it. No emotions, no feelings. I just watched them pas by like ships on the horizon. For example when driving my car I would see them as ‘things’ passing by. In the mean time I would breath and stay focussed on driving the car as me driving the car. Quite ‘ok’ actually. The strange thing being that I wasn’t aware of the fact that I was doing this. Then the next thing that would happen is my mind would kick in. “Shouldn’t you apply self forgiveness on that image that you just saw?”. “Come on you have to do this for yourself”. So I would go back to the image or thought, bring it back again and try to apply self forgiveness on it. I think what I should have done was adress 'the act' of me bringing these image or thoughts back. I 'saw' this as I was 'on the table' this afternoon.

Body support
I just didn’t see it staring me in the face. Got completely lost for words. And there it is. In the words. Naming the game. Keeping it simple. Not seeing the thing in front of me because I’m looking too far ahead. At the same time trying to apply self-forgiveness on the fact that I’m not able to see the real shit that’s right in front of me. What a mindfuck (LOL). This came to me as I was lying on the table talking to my Kinesiologist while she was working on me. It was really cool to have my own body giving me feedback like this. Thank you big time ‘buddy/body’.

Stop suppressing myself
When she asked me about specific points that I would like to address I brought this stuff up. I found it hard to be specific towards her because she speaks kind of a different language. The 'language' of Kinesiologists. I was able to communicate my point by explaining. That I had a ‘problem’ stopping my mind when thoughts and images would come. That I would judge myself when this happened and that these judgements would lead to suppression and ‘depression’. Causing friction thus energy and that this energy would manifest as the ‘hyper anxious me’. I told her I was kind of done with this ‘anxious me’. That this point needed 'change'. It has to be dissolved. I also explained the difficulties I experienced in voicing myself in and as simplicity. I experience my mind as this hysterical child that’s with me all day an it’s just tiring. Plain and specifically ‘simple’ voicing that’s what I would be able to do.

For example:


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about not realizing that I have to just go to the toilet when I feel the urge to pee because this is not a healthy habit.


Instead off:


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not go to the toilet when I feel the need to pee.

I’m over complicating things all the time and I realize that it’s a big part of the way I programmed myself over the years. Taking way to much variables into my daily equations and situations. It’s no surprise that people see me as ‘distracted’ because I am. I realize that I find it very hard to be specific and give straight answers to seemingly straight forward questions.

Getting to ‘thee-point’ of self-intimacy
So she stopped me in my words and said “got it”. We both laughed and we started testing. At one point she asked me to massage (she knows I can do this) a specific point on the left side of my pubic bone. The moment I did this I noticed how sensitive and painful this was compared to the right side. So I asked her about this point and where it stood for.

It was related to my liver. "Having something on your liver" is a common phrase used in holland. So What’s on my liver? Interesting point. I did the massage and in the mean time she treated my back in the liver area. It took like one minute. Pain was gone and the little headache I had disappeared as well. This is really cool stuff. It’s immediate! It’s my body. No lies and instant truth about what’s here to be addressed. It also brought up the point of ‘self-intimacy’ very clearly. What does that mean to me? Well the proof of the pudding was in the eating. That’s what it was right there. Touch! just start touching. Just fucking do it instead of noticing shit in the mind. It’s again too simple to be true. So the whole point of self-intimacy bursted open for me right there. Cool as hell again. My new definition of Sex isn’t actually new. It’s that. It’s touch and giving yourself ‘real’ and specific ‘physical attention’. Checking myself by the millimetre. Point for point and start fucking talking to my body. I live inn it!

I forgive msyelf that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not talk to my body

Willing and walking
So the next thing was the point of ‘willing myself’. This is related to points on the side of my hands under my pink (finger) “Learning from 'mis-takes' and ‘knowing’ what’s good for ‘one’-self”. These point are related to the small intestine. The part that takes care of getting the specific and necessary nutrients out of all the stuff we put in our body’s daily. Again, very cool because for me this is so clearly related to this point of ‘being specific’, in voicing myself. Getting the ‘specific information’ out. Exercising my ability as the small intestine to know what I’m looking for and get what I need to support myself. Not wasting time in the process. In relation to this point she suggested a ‘Kraneo’ head massage. So the next appointment is next Wednesday. Going to get my head examined finally.

Give yourself a present and visit a ‘good’ Kinesiologist. It’s cool beyond ‘words’.