Day-017-Is there something in it for me?

For the last few months I have been working freelance out of town a few kilometers instead of from home. This makes it a bit problematic for my dog who has to stay home alone. I could take her to work but it's far from Ideal because she would have to be outside on a leash all day. So my parents stepped in and said they where okay with having the dog over at their place during the day. Our family had dogs as long as I can remember so my parents are more than comfortable around dogs. My mother has a slight problem with her hips so my father is the one who takes the dog for a little stroll around lunch.

The dog loves to stay at my parents I can tell because she communicates it as soon as she knows we are heading for my parents house. One could say the dog and my parents 'love' each other.

Now I'm having a friend over from Amsterdam and we decided it might be a good Idea to take a road trip up to amsterdam to look at this friends new house that was just finished. So I need someone to take care of the dog. My brother is on holiday so I see myself calling my parents to ask if it's possible to take care of my dog for a night. My dad picks up the phone and tells me it's not a problem.

When I arrive to drop of my dog I start small talking with my dad who's finishing up a paint job. Then my mother comes into the room. Her face frowned, and she looks irritated. So there must be something on her mind. And yes within a few sentences she more or less shares that she is not ok with the dog staying. I say "ok" only problem is that I already got the 'go' ahead from dad and I'm about ten minutes from leaving for Amsterdam. So I ask about the problem/friction between her and my dad.

So she starts making her point(s) and within this starts ranting as I have heard her rant a thousand times before. That stuff in my life is not her responsibility and that she's ok with the dog staying during the week but not in the weekends, only in emergency's and so forth. Her frustration and anger starts seeping trough and the stream of information becomes ever more emotional/energized. I can feel the surge within myself as well so I realize I have to stop my participation within this and take corrective action.

First of I need to clarify, so I ask If the deal is of and if I should I make other arrangements? I'm not getting a straight answer, instead I get more ranting. I listen a bit more take a breath and ask again; "Should I make other arrangements?" Apparently it irritates her that I'm not participating within the argument and words spoken and that I'm not as reactive as I would normally be. Instead I stick to the binary equation of dog stay–dog go. So again I state that I want to take action and make other arrangements if she's not ok with the situation. Still no answer. I notice that she's getting even more frustrated by me not participating within the argument. Eventually she says; "OK but it's only for one night".

 -?-

A question I should have asked myself a long time ago. Why the fuzz? Why the energy? Why now? Why here? Why me? Why participate? Why this person? Why this point? Why this specific point? Why make it worse?

Walking home I ponder on what just happened. And looking back the 'only for one night' statement stands out. The question is about one night so why is the word 'only' used.

– 'Only'–

Or 'only' because it's you? Or 'only' this once? Onelie. Interesting. Looking at myself when I use this 'only' as in a one lie construction is stating that I'm making an exception. It's a hidden I ow you you ow me. It's a manipulation pattern that binds people within relationships within the point of mutual fuckness. It's a worm on a hook. A hidden agenda.  There is a pattern behind the way the word is used and it has something to do with 'gaining'. So what's the pattern and what is there to 'gain'?

I see that it's all about relationships and emotions being released. I'm not some guy on the street, I'm the son of the mother that has raised me and my brother and is married to my father for over forty years. A lot of shit happens in forty years believe me. So the dog is merely the trigger. It could have been anything.

Obviously something is suppressed. It's what people do especially in relationships and particular within family. You take it in, you bare the load. You stick to it through thick and thin. You take shit you wouldn't take from a stranger and sacrifice what you have untill… Yes untill what? Untill you realize you have been fucking working your ass of your whole life. Went through the pain of carrying two babies watched as they tried to find their way in a world you don't understand yourself and neither do they. You see your parents and family get old and sick and die. You see the world change into something that departs from everything you as a child believed in. You take on the role of being there for everyone. To be the stability point becoming ever more unstable yourself because all this energy is eating away at you literally. Then your husband get's his first stroke and you realize some day in the not to distant future me and my children will be all that's left. And one of them is this fucker with a dog and an opinion and it's my son. What the fuck?

Placing myself in my mothers shoes seeing myself having children that grow up in world that changed from a postwar fairytale into a consumer megapolis with internet and facebook friends. Is far from coronation street and the sturdy family structures my parents come from. Present reality with Television-feeds coming straight from the tips of precision bombs dropped from drones guided by youngster that don't know the difference between their playstation and workstation. It's hard for me to get my head around this shit let alone the generation my parents belong to.

The future as in now is not at all playing out like the cosy family weekends we had gathering berries in my grandmothers garden. I grew up in a family structure that dictated who, what, where and when very clearly. What I see in people including myself is a point where one gives up and says; "leave me alone, I had enough". Problem is, then what? I cannot simply stop what I'm doing. I created this whole outflow of events including my children. What the fuck! Yes what the fuck! Family and friends and the extend of brainwashing that takes place when we interact and subtly exchange and upload these morality programs as we develop our relationships. Eventually I will realize that I fucked it all up because that is exactly what I was supposed to do and now I'm to ashamed to admit it. In fact everybody is!

It's quite a fuckup and seeing myself participating and reacting within this throughout my life does not paint the picture any prettier. It's time to get to the raw experience of myself and what it means to be part of society within a family and the effects I have on the world around me within every breath. Every gesture, tonality, word I used to create the world around me and the effect I have on other beings as I constantly project and manipulate myself from the starting point of self interest.

You can stay up late ('only') if you help me do the dishes tonight.

See, where can we go from there? Let's start removing the blindfold from what is called the cornerstone of society and see the devastation it has brought upon humanity. No place keeps us hidden from the raw experience of ourselves better than a well oiled family structure and teachers coming from the same place. I will myself to embrace my mother and father as they where born from the ones that went before. I realize that the children that come will only have a chance If I create that chance for them by changing myself.

To be continued.

Day-008-Advanced negotiating skills and the road to succes

(talking to much part II) 

So I'm looking at this possession where I start to talk and talk and talk. A simple question like; "is it raining outside?" will become a speech about low pressure zones and humidity. Talking for the sake of talking. Where I miss a point and allow myself to start making this horrible noise and drift off into this strange dimension spewing out knowledge and information causing the weather to change.

All this chaos  instead of saying; "yes it's raining outside".

I know someone who's infected with the same virus and what I observe with him is that this mechanism of talking to much kicks in the moment he's not getting attention or cannot participate within the conversation because the subject is unknown. He sees this is happening but he cannot help himself. He will interrupt, change the subject and start blabbering exactly like I do. I'm accepting and allowing myself to be overruled by emotions of inferiority and self doubt which triggers this pattern where my mind will find a source of knowledge and information related to the subject and start spewing out words. These are batlle raps coming from the ego where I claim all the space not allowing the other person to just be. In fact ignoring the person the moment I start to rant. Not taking the person into consideration what so ever. My gift to humanity becomes this blabbering personality. WTF part II.

In a nutshell this is what I observe within myself. A mechanism to focus attention on myself with no reason other than getting attention and this process is so automated that I become the talk I talk. It's an energy addiction manifesting itself as verbal diarrhea It happens regardless of the consequences and it fuck's up important moments in my life because I cannot be effective within communicating myself. It limits me within everything because it's fucking up my communication completely; a point that really counts in a world of money and information. I see that being able to have a conversation that stays on track and to the point and that not wastes time thus money is key in this world we live in at the moment. From whatever perspective I'm looking at it it's stupid and it has to stop. I commit myself to slow this process down and stop myself participating within this construct of talking to much.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to talk to much

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste other peoples time spewing out verbal diarrhea as knowledge and information

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop myself as I start to talk to much and spew out useless knowledge and information

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to present a enhanced picture of myself in order to be perceived as something I am not, realizing that I do this out of inferiority where I allow shyness to become verbal diarrhea.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to what to give a perfect presentation of myself realizing seeing and understanding that I have no definition of perfection and whatever I do It would be a projection thus not real

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see realize and understand that perfection is a physical process and not something the mind can produce

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a screw up because I failed to present the perfect picture

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe something like a perfect picture could exist.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel embarrassed seeing myself within this repeating pattern of talking to much

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a bad performer seeing realizing and understanding that it's the very act of acting and playing out re-acting to my own energy that is the cause for ending up in this painful situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value myself as inferior for having self doubt

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the surge of energy that came up as enthusiasm while talking to another person

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to switch into or accept another personality to possess me completely within and as the point of talking to much

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the mistake of going into the old pattern of talking to much because I fear the unknown within as a new expression of silence within me

2012 are your children relevant?

12 21 12, 2012, 21 december 12, dec 12 2012, dD12 21 12, 2012, 21 december 12, dec 12 2012, december 12 2011, december 12 doomsday, december 21 2012.

Irrelevant 
Not so long ago someone confronted me with the word 'relevance' within a context I would never have placed it myself. In this case the word was used within the point of 'a relationship'. I wouldn't be able to crasp the concept of relevance within a relationship in the first place if I wasn't in this process of exposing myself, taking my actions back to me. To keep pushing the point of taking self responsibility for things happening in this world, in my life. 

I have never looked at relationships from the point of 'relevance'. Because one have to define relevance before one can use the word within the context of a relationship and I never did that within relationships. Relevance? Tell me honey is there any relevance within us being together in the first place besides good sex and being able to share the load of life together? Is love relevant? Is sex relevant? This is not how I communicated with partners generally. Though there is always relevance from 'one' point of view within relationships and that one point is always self interest. That raises the question about  self interest being relevant? Which can never be or exist within a relationship from a point of equality.

This was quite a brain-cracker for me. It also created a serious mind fuck for a few weeks where I was mainly dissolving points of anger/frustration like a child that cannot grasp what is happening. It felt like standing on skates for the first time. Can I have one relevant please? Is there any relevance within our human behavior in the first place? What is relevant? You tell me? 

Superpowers
To be able to stop participating within a 'relationship' from the point of 'relevance' as I see it, would require one to have a complete and total overview of ones actions and behavior within a relationship. Seeing cause and effect within ones own participation in past-present and the effects on the future. Utter self awareness within every breath. I couldn't grasp this from a practical perspective within sharing oneself with another person. That's ego off coarse because the only thing I have to do is place myself as that other persons point of relevance and look at it from that persons perspective. Time after time again until no longer relevant...

Relevance can only mean relevant in relation to… It must be because relevance always relates. It's 'created'. Relevance is not there in the first place. Relevance relates or evolves from and towards points, equations, formulas and principles. The more I pondered on the meaning of relevance the more frustrated I got. Relevance fucked with me for quite some time.

Unity
What's the relevance of you and me? Aren't most relationships a permanent polarity play between points of interest! Your turn, my turn and eventually our turn as a happy family. A relationship will be relevant as well as irrelevant from countless starting points. All creating cause and effect. Relevance needs to be connected 'to the points' = relevant. So one could say that no relationship is ever relevant if the parties involved are not permanently on the same page regarding their relevant points or what's the point? Is it just sex then the only relevant point is sex. Until sex is no longer relevant? Etc. etc.

Looking at my own relationships and the ones around me this point of relevance becomes quite interesting. Why do people relate? Why do people invest huge amounts of time and money into relationships? What fuels my relationships from the point of relevance? It's like looking at it upside down. Have I ever told someone within a relationship his or her 'presence' was no longer relevant? Not in those words I did. It implies I would have had self responsibility and would have been able to see all relevant points. Most of my relationships ended in spiteful, messy, shameful experiences I tried to forget which is impossible because the mind does not forget.

One could say that without the starting point of equality there is no relevance within any relationship other than self interest. Without equality all my relationships would become irrelevant sooner or later and that's not what I want them to be. What can I do?

What's relevant?
At present the whole world is fucked within this point of competition. Hair and make up. The next top model or golden voiced superstar. It's all we are told and we accept and allow our children to brainwash each other according to those examples and images we impose on them. Even if we present them the concept of equality and talk to them about relevance, what is there to expect without us as living examples of 'the principle'? We show our children that if we have it we are afraid to loose it and if we loose it we want to get it back. The perspective of our children playing this game the way we are doing I find horrifying.

It's interesting to walk trough a day looking at myself participating in the world from this point of relevance. It requires constant awareness within the fuckups I create trough irrelevant actions from moment to moment. Looking at relevance shows me that what is relevant to life = equality and I don't see any solution but an equal money system to get to that point. For me that's what makes the Desteni message relevant beyond any point of self interest or entertainment.

relevant |ˈreləvənt|

adjective

closely connected or appropriate to the matter at hand : the candidate's experience is relevant to the job.

relevance noun

relevancy |-vənsē| noun

relevantly adverb

ORIGIN early 16th cent. (as a Scots legal term meaning [legally pertinent] ): from medieval Latin relevant- ‘raising up,’ from Latin relevare.

relevant

adjective

the relevant page numbers: pertinent, applicable, apposite, material, apropos, to the point, germane; connected, related, linked.