Day-009-Can I have some privacy?

At home realizing that although I'm alone I'm also part of a group and within that I see myself in my kitchen alone 'wanting/claiming/having my privacy'. I'm walking trough the house naked wondering what I would do if I would not be alone right now?

Would I behave differently? Would I take on a different personality. From that perspective what is 'privacy' more than claiming a space for myself away/separated from 'the rest'? An exclusive form of separation by creating the luxury article of privacy for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act like a junkie thinking I can escape the horrors of reality by having a moment for myself, a moment of privacy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that there is no escape from reality within and as privacy, seeing realizing and understanding that there is no privacy within birth, illness and death thus my privacy is my participation within and projection of me unto this world as the creator of privacy as separation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that by living privacy I separate myself from the rest as a private not sharing myself my emotions, feelings, insights and realizations thus excluding/separating myself from the rest by wanting more than others as privacy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize see and understand that when I claim/occupy a (private) space I take space instead of give space.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my feelings of shame, frustration, anger and guilt for not living the realization that keeping something for myself as privacy is steeling from the rest and within that context I see I have never given as I would have liked to receive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for myself when others got something and I did not, realizing and understanding that I have never given the way I would have liked to receive because I always wanted my own private part within and as victory, to 'take' the win no matter what by manipulating everything and everyone within and as my kingdom of privacy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take on private personalities within and as privacy realizing seeing and understanding that by doing so I allow myself to create multiple separated personalities as different levels of privacy I project unto or believe to exist within this world and by doing so create points of separation between myself and reality as these private personalities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing privacy to exist within and as me, becoming the dictator of my own privacy as the creator of separation within this world as the gap between those that can build walls to separate themselves from those unable to escape the horrors of daily reality within this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have the right to privacy as the right to not be disturbed, not seeing realizing and understanding that it is me as my mind that is wanting the exclusive right to manipulate me within the seclusion of my privacy, seeing and understanding that within this point 'my' privacy becomes my own bribery.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that within the point of privacy I have the right to do what I want when I want it, seeing realizing and understanding that what I allow to happen is a full on ego-trip at the cost of others where I choose to replace reality with 'my privacy'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that the concept of privacy is an addiction to self interest where I choose to distract myself and avoid the rawness of me within and as the creator of privacy as separation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that no matter how high I build the walls of privacy around me, the certainty of reality will always be on the other side showing me how I separated myself within and as privacy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to escape reality and seclude myself within and as privacy where I claim the right for me to see only as I want at the cost of all others. Lost within an ego-trip where I can see and do all things my way.

I commit myself to correct myself within these moments of self defeat and stop whining about my right to privacy seeing, realizing and understanding that it's me wanting to close my eyes and not take responsibility for what I have created in this world through participating within privacy.

I commit myself to investigate, identify, expose within and as myself the constructs of privacy where I accept and allow myself to go private, seeing realizing and understanding that through exposing my points of privacy I expose within me the points of not taking self responsibility for the fact I am part of a group.

Day-008-Advanced negotiating skills and the road to succes

(talking to much part II) 

So I'm looking at this possession where I start to talk and talk and talk. A simple question like; "is it raining outside?" will become a speech about low pressure zones and humidity. Talking for the sake of talking. Where I miss a point and allow myself to start making this horrible noise and drift off into this strange dimension spewing out knowledge and information causing the weather to change.

All this chaos  instead of saying; "yes it's raining outside".

I know someone who's infected with the same virus and what I observe with him is that this mechanism of talking to much kicks in the moment he's not getting attention or cannot participate within the conversation because the subject is unknown. He sees this is happening but he cannot help himself. He will interrupt, change the subject and start blabbering exactly like I do. I'm accepting and allowing myself to be overruled by emotions of inferiority and self doubt which triggers this pattern where my mind will find a source of knowledge and information related to the subject and start spewing out words. These are batlle raps coming from the ego where I claim all the space not allowing the other person to just be. In fact ignoring the person the moment I start to rant. Not taking the person into consideration what so ever. My gift to humanity becomes this blabbering personality. WTF part II.

In a nutshell this is what I observe within myself. A mechanism to focus attention on myself with no reason other than getting attention and this process is so automated that I become the talk I talk. It's an energy addiction manifesting itself as verbal diarrhea It happens regardless of the consequences and it fuck's up important moments in my life because I cannot be effective within communicating myself. It limits me within everything because it's fucking up my communication completely; a point that really counts in a world of money and information. I see that being able to have a conversation that stays on track and to the point and that not wastes time thus money is key in this world we live in at the moment. From whatever perspective I'm looking at it it's stupid and it has to stop. I commit myself to slow this process down and stop myself participating within this construct of talking to much.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to talk to much

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste other peoples time spewing out verbal diarrhea as knowledge and information

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop myself as I start to talk to much and spew out useless knowledge and information

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to present a enhanced picture of myself in order to be perceived as something I am not, realizing that I do this out of inferiority where I allow shyness to become verbal diarrhea.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to what to give a perfect presentation of myself realizing seeing and understanding that I have no definition of perfection and whatever I do It would be a projection thus not real

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see realize and understand that perfection is a physical process and not something the mind can produce

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a screw up because I failed to present the perfect picture

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe something like a perfect picture could exist.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel embarrassed seeing myself within this repeating pattern of talking to much

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a bad performer seeing realizing and understanding that it's the very act of acting and playing out re-acting to my own energy that is the cause for ending up in this painful situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value myself as inferior for having self doubt

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the surge of energy that came up as enthusiasm while talking to another person

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to switch into or accept another personality to possess me completely within and as the point of talking to much

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the mistake of going into the old pattern of talking to much because I fear the unknown within as a new expression of silence within me

How I was Able to Hear the Desteni Message?

12 21 12, 2012, 21 december 12, dec 12 2012, december 12 2011, december 12 doomsday, december 21 2012.

You sharpen the human appetite to the point where it can split atoms with its desire; you build egos the size of cathedrals; fiber-optically connect the world to every eager impulse; grease even the dullest dreams with these dollar-green, gold-plated fantasies, until every human becomes an aspiring emperor, becomes his own God… and where can you go from there? 

"Al Pacino in the Devils Advocate"

I used to believe monsters where hiding under my bed (they actually did). I believed my father was the smartest man in the world and my mother the sweetest mom. I believed I could run as fast as the six million dollar man and that my sword fights were as impressive as those of Rutger Hauer. I believed I could climb like a monkey. Those kind of things I checked out for myself. I would discover quickly if what I believed was true or false simply by going trough the experience.

Learning and getting educated is how I learned to make believe. Getting to know the way things work in the world not why. Learning the basics of the system and getting my brains washed like the religious rituals I had to participate within as a child. I prayed the holy father a lot of times not knowing what the hell I was saying. School started the big load down. The 'god' seed was planted early and I was on my way in the garden of eden.

At some point I gave up. The statement could have been like this. I will bow and accept your world. I will believe what you tell me and try to do as you say. I will go down your road of believes and perceptions. I will climb your tree of knowledge and information. I will not resist the fact you institutionalize me. I will go to your schools. I will form relationships as seen on TV. I will eat sleep and work the way you do to the best of my abilities. I will try my best to play along the personality games. I will forget who I was, were I came from and I will try not ask too many questions. I will probably reproduce and teach my children to do the same. Now leave me alone and let me suppress myself.

I believed in god, Jezus, 'my homeboys', punk, anarchy, violence, deception, manipulation, girls, sex, drugs, sport, addictions, friendship, good, bad, positive, negative, prophets, avatars, light, energy, holographic universes, new age, old school, quantum mechanics, love, spirituality, ascension, meditation, yoga, mystery schools, sufism, veda's, budism, theosophy, etc. etc. I did a fair share of searching for truth and did not avoid certain experiences if you know what I mean. It's a long story.

'How I was Able to Hear the Desteni Message?' It implies that one cannot hear the message. You have to be 'Able' first before you can hear. Interesting. Sounds almost religious doesn't it? How I was Abel and Cain was not. I have been searching for so called 'truth' all my life. I wanted to understand God, this world, myself, my parents, friends, humanity. My place in the universe. There had to be a code or a message fore nothing made sense except chaos. I had to believe in a A God because it gave me something abstract outside myself. Something bigger than me. I 'fell' in love with al my knowledge and I started to build a hell of an ego to manage all that self-love that was so abundantly flowing from within me. 

I used to be convinced there where great 'mystical' powers working for me in the realms of this world. I was spiritual, physical, healthy, sporty and one 'fine' day I had this out of body, kundalini, whatever the fuck you want to call it experience where reality sort of expanded into this timeless holographic white light. I was without form or sense of time. Oh It was so 'life changing and overwhelming'. Beyond words and al that other bullshit definitions that come out when I become possessed and cannot voice myself. 

Interesting I said, "I Wanted to understand God" which implies I didn't. I apparently allowed myself to switch believes from one moment to the next without taking any 'self'-responsibility for it? And we all do this. We all walk this earth projecting bullshit at each other thus making the world a projection of ourselves as that ever changing bullshit we are as our minds. Reality has become a self created concept of chaos and destruction and I kept on blaming others for it. Humanity has become brand names, brand value, loyalty and believe-systems. An infinite loop of advertisements for limitations we accept as our reality. I know one or two things about advertising and I can tell you "reality is worse than you think". What makes me hear the Desteni message? Seeing myself as part of reality is one of the points.

This reality is All Dollah. Allāhu akbar. God is great from the moment time began and our innocent ego's started battling for supremacy. You don't have to be 'intelligent' or 'enlightened' to see this shit. Just look around? It's written in history as our children are taught. It's programmed into every molecule we genetically alter. Unfortunately or in other words us, another fortune later. Truth stares us in the face all the time. 

Someone asked me to take that honest look. Who is God in this world? What creates this world? So I looked from all perspectives and all the viewpoints showed me money. So yeah well eh, money does! Since time began the only thing we do is battle for more. And if money rules the world instead of God  then where is God? And if god is not here then what the fuck happened in heaven? Time to find some answers.

I started investigating Desteni. That's what I did. Try to find the flaws. Assume the worst. It's a cult. A bunch of brilliant freaks. They are on the internet so if anything, they will be exposed. However the more I investigated the more I was blown away by the rawness and honesty I faced. Real People, real names sharing themselves, exposing their secret mind shit openly for all to see and learn. Never in my whole life did I encounter this overwhelming raw honesty as it was shared amongst Destonians. It was confronting and almost scary. I was blown away. This was historic. Why doesn't the whole world now about this? Where was the media? Like I said; reality is worse than we think. Loosing all religion made me feel rather exposed. Naked as you will. Loosing all self definition is not a comfy happening. My realizations where mindblowing. I was able to Hear the Desteni Message because I saw that there is one 'simple' principle that rules them 'all'. 

- 1 principle beyond, separation, beyond religion, science and money

- 1 principle to base all our thoughts on

- 1 principle to base all our actions on 

- 1 principle without exclusivity, without ego

- 1 principle that includes all and thus = best for all

- 1 principle as the solution to the cause of our problem which is separation

- 1 principle that forces one to be self honest and take self responsibility 

As al the 'prophets said "Love thy neighbor". The principle of Equality stands as the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth so fuck me god. This principle made me hear the Destine message. None are free until all are free. How can I accept anything else?

How can I accept myself within separation within believes, religion. My relyons. Seeing that the principle of equality implies 'all' is hard to grasp at times. It's also simple. Creation=All=Equal or nobody is. It implies a lot because it implies all of us. Total transformation. The system has a word to counteract the fact you might realize we as humanity have an option. That word is 'utopia'. The amount of hate that is projected towards Desteni is fascinating and proves beyond doubt that there is something happening. People react very strangely to the truth. I said it before, reality is worse than your nightmares. 

I'm walking with Desteni for about 2 years now. Having applied the tools I have for instance been able to stop addictions like weed and smoking. I have seen myself existing as thoughts emotions and feelings unable to control myself at the same time realizing it's not me. I'm not these thoughts emotions and feelings. I got myself out of a seriously deep depression without consulting a doctor or therapist. I was only using the tools Desteni presents. I pushed myself more than I can ever remember doing. I got a very refreshing look into the world of relationships and sex. I'm becoming more and more aware of my ego as the mind trying to tear me apart. Never silent always on as this is a process within every breath.

I continue to walk and fall. To stand up again and slowly discover who I really am as Life. I script myself and push myself to walk myself into a human being that will honor Life as the physical. Here in every moment asking myself time and time again. Am I here?

The world will wake up to the Desteni message, It's not how it's when. Destonians show the effectiveness of the tools that are shared and researched within thousands of blogs and vlogs. No pseudo's, all under real names for you to read and investigate because we don't want to lose the precious time we have. We all go or no go...

Desteni is the real deal but don’t believe a word I'm saying! Investigate for yourself. I dare you to ask the questions you never dared to ask. See fore yourself that love is not all that matters but all matter or love does not exist!

My business will resolve itself...

Het loopt wel los

Today I was on the phone having a conversation. Somewhere down the line I said “this thing will resolve itself” (het loopt wel los). In holland this phrase is used often when something or a subject doesn’t get addressed and or is avoided. It’s mostly spoken in a soothing manner as if the problem isn’t there.

The English translation is not as specific as the phrase we use in Holland. It literally means:

‘It will run loose’. This implicates that there is going to be a  problem. Let’s just wait and see what happens. So actually it’s like the fireman that says “let it burn”. So I’m looking at this phrase and the way I used it.

So what I actually said was: “fuck it”. It implies that I don’t want to deal with it, don’t’ want to think about it. It’s not my problem and not my responsibility. You versus me. It’s an ego thing.

Twents

Now where I live (Twente) we speak a dialect that is more related to the german and english language than dutch and when translated to my dialect this sentence get’s a different meaning.

In dutch ‘los’ means loose. So the thing is running loose and or will come apart. Now in the dialect people speak in my region they say - ‘t löp wa los -. The meaning of the word ‘los’ in this dialect means ‘open’

So there is a subtle difference and it becomes:

“let it run loose” (dutch)

“it will open up” (dialect)

Dutch is a language that was spoken in the west of Holland. Amsterdam, trade, colonialism. It’s where the ships sailed, the trading was done and the slave trade kept the books. 

It’s where the VOC reigned. The first ever company based on shares and shareholders. It was the birthplace of the stockmarket and virtual value. New York used to be new Amsterdam. 

The east of Holland on the contrary was wildland run by farmers that depended on nature and each other for survival. The social structure and means for survival where completely different. For soccer fans this is clearly seen by the way soccer clubs like Ajax and Twente are doing business today. There are subtle differences.

Farming and fighting

A businessman takes risks. He will make a strategic plan based on profit margins and the risk involved. Usually when risks are high, the profit margins are too. This goes for farmers as well as businessmen. However if you are dependent on nature as your prime source of income. It will be nature that dictates almost everything you do. So looking at it from that perspective it makes kind of sense. 

When you prepared the fields and the seeds are in the ground, you nurture and wait till it opens up. Nature supports you and you support nature. If the climate comes your way you might have an extra good harvest and maybe some extra grain to sell. That little extra was = luxury. It enabled the farmer to buy things he didn’t grow on his own land or to buy tools. 

A business man knows that running a (marketing) campaign is like executing a battle plan. The moment you set it off it’s on it’s own. Everything and everybody must stick to the plan otherwise the targets are not met and profit goes down or becomes loss. Shareholders don’t like that. It’s war remember.

Building empires

Don’t be fooled by advertising. Advertising is making friends, it binds the group. It licks your feet and makes you smile. It’s the liar lying in your face with an irresistible smile and blinding white teeth. Marketing is war. It’s what makes everything move and everything is either in or out. 

So make no mistake. If you work in the corporate world and someone tells you that the company is ‘green’, donates to a kitty home, gives 10% away to charity etc. You are being advertised! You are an expandable soldier kept in place by the rules of engagement. You are either a foot soldier an officer or you occupy the war room. It’s as simple as that. I’m not judging. I’m just making an observation here and it might give some perspective on the word ‘workforce’.

Equation

Everything done by the military is done exactly the same in business. Politics simply rule both. Who profits from war and who suffers? It’s always the same. If you grasp that it’s the subtle difference between making a profit at the cost of others or become one and equal with life itself in order to live. Than you understand ‘equal money’. So please let’s investigate together before this blog needs banners to survive.

My realms of self-delusion

Being successful
The moment you decide to do business you are going to fuck people and you are going to be fucked by people. It’s the unwritten law of trade and every businessman knows this. Jump in, get the money, get out without to much collateral damage. Which is of coarse impossible because you are screwing yourself to such an extend that you start to justify the shit you are doing. It simply becomes part of your personality where it hides itself as part of you. If you would actually see this you would probably kill yourself or end up doing charity work for the homeless to try and get rid of your guild. I have seen so many frustrated people around me in my field of work and it’s only the last few years that it start’s to become more or less clear what the fuck is happening. We are getting scared because we are starting to see where it’s going and it scares the crap out of us.

Intelligent Marketeers
We all knew and we all saw it coming because we where on the fucking battlefield all the time. We have been collectively drinking our drinks on Friday afternoons because we new we couldn’t keep a straight face towards each other in a normal conversation. We all felt guilty about what we where doing and at the same time we kept on going because of the lifestyle we created and had to support. It’s time, it’s done. It cannot be compounded any further. Marketing, sales, consumerism. We know because we are just that. The cycles, the concepts, the lingo.

Can I have a ‘happy life’ please
Look at the things we had to sell, the claims we made and the shows we put on. It’s done. The switch is flipped and the dark hole is forming as we speak. We all know this. It surrounds us we are in the middle of it and we feel the pull getting stronger. Everybody in marketing is either shit scared, drugged, distracted or cashing in on the chaos that surrounds all wars. We survived the 80's and 90's are in our forties and on the brink of being able to buy the toys and dreams for a presumably happy future after selling the company. Cash inn and fuck the world.

"Yes we did"
Oh so you didn’t work your as off? You don’t find yourself responsible for the fucking mess you helped to create. Oh, you didn’t know? Nobody told you? Well that’s a surprise! Nobody told me either. But here it is. I’m one of you! Spit on me, despise me and ignore me. I know you will because you are either shit scared, drugged, distracted or cashing in on the chaos that surrounds all wars. Make your pic. It’s all I’ve seen to be honest. I participated, tried to break out, fell back inn because I was already fucked beyond repair just like all the rest.

How I did it
I decided to quit art school in the third year and take a job offer that was ridiculously good for a 21 year old with no working experience. This was around 1992 and the industry was on the brink of going digital. Because I was one of the lucky bastards that got his hands on and behind a Mac early in school I was part of what was then the ‘elite’. I didn’t know then and I wasn’t really aware of it. It was just that people like me where apparently in high demand. They where scratched out of every corner and the people that did didn’t have a clue what to look for. So with a little bit of bluff and some good manuals you where in the game. It got me into the game so easily. I could work Photoshop 1.6, QuarkXPress and Illustrator 2.0. That was it. No real in depth knowledge about advertising. David Ogilwho?

Loading my program
I made fucking money. Finally able to support myself buy those records and play them on a decent pickup. Go on a holiday in an old car to the south of France. It was ‘heaven’. I was alive and I was fucked. From that moment on there was only one route. The route of money. I started to pay taxes and the worst thing happened. I got older, I got relationships and I got sentimental. So I was in the game, played the game, became the game. I learned to design on a decent level and got good at what I did. Up to the point I met the boarders of my DNA, my basic programming. Why did I stop to progress? Why didn’t I get rich? Why was it that everything seemed to be going in the same cycles? So the blaming game began. I blamed my parents, my education, the part of the country I lived inn. I blamed everything except myself. Up to the point I got into spirituality. I somehow saw that it had to come from myself. So I did that whole cycle as well. Yoga, meditation, guru’s, God, etc. Only to find ever more conflict between me the world and the fucking money that had to be made.

Ain’t it a classic
7 years ago I worked in an advertising agency. One of the last steady jobs I had and it finally happened. I walked out of the office one sunny afternoon and everything went black. I had my first ‘burnout’ or whatever name you want go give that state. I was in a relationship, bought a houseboat 2 years earlier and there in front of the office it all stopped. The whole thing came down. So I find myself on sick leave and after about 3 months I decide to go back to work. Nothing had changed really. I still felt completely lost. The work didn’t mean anything to me and I was a zombie on auto pilot. Zombies have no place in the system. They don’t make money so as expected I was one of the first that had to go when the economy dipped. It was said that my release was because of economic reasons. There was indeed less work in advertising and apparently my boss was able to present the figures to go with that. Personally I think my boss simply didn’t like my presence and attitude. You have to be likable in the system don’t forget that kids.

The ‘being’ is expandable
To make it easier to get rid of me he changed my job description when he applied for governmental approval to break up my contract. It’s easier to get rid of people if you have more of the same people occupying the same space. So in order to get the costs down it’s just a matter of writing a plan screw the laws that don’t work in the first place and get rid of what is considered human cattle. I don’t have any illusions here because there have been moments that I was on the other side of this coin that was flipped. Fuck or be fucked. There is the law and there is the way money is to be made and that’s how it fucking works. Please prove me otherwise.

The Harakiri equation
This was after more than 3 years of brutal labour and long hours in what was then an advertising agency in startup. I had a very modest salary in relation to the hours I made, no pension and no bonuses or anything else for that matter. Actually the only thing that was good about that job where the colleagues I worked with. The rest was stress and long hours. I’m not complaining it was me who took the job so there you go. About 3 years before this happened I moved from Arnhem to Enschede specifically for this job that was offered to me by the same guy that was firing me. To finish it off my girlfriend became pregnant. In other words I made her pregnant and she accepted and allowed herself to become pregnant.

So here we where. I’m unemployed, on financial compensation (welfare), we are going to have a baby, we live on a houseboat that is way to small for the 3 of us and has all my savings in it. That was the moment where I completely crashed. I was able to sell the boat. I got a mortgage on a small house, got the baby, we moved,  but it was all done on adrenaline. We tried to provide a nest for this little girl and gave what was to give but it all ended in a broken relationship and 3 persons that where fucked. My former girlfriend has two work several jobs and is stuck in a live she never wanted for herself with a child she wants to give so much more. I’m in my process trying to get this thing of the ground as an independent consultant. I apply for part-time jobs that actually don’t exist in my line of work and I try to scratch enough money out of the system to pay my bills. The current money system is not working. If you are not born into a rich family or have the system work your way you are simply screwed. The current system robs people of everything that could be called a dignified life. And if you have children it becomes nearly impossible to move in any direction.

Choose life...
My daughter is a healthy intelligent girl that’s almost seven years old now. She’s my daughter and I’m her father. We are still part of the haves in this world. There is food on the table, education and enjoyment. But it’s all under enormous pressure and to be honest there isn’t a day in my life without money on my mind. No illusions about my life but I want my daughter and other children to live in a world where they can be who they really are as themselves instead of shackled slaves to this fucked up system. Last week she saw why she had to go to school. To learn to become a moneymaker because that’s what crown ups do and then she sees us wrestle and argue about it. We make money, consume and don’t have a fucking clue. It’s horrible, it’s a crime, it has to stop. That’s why I’m standing up for an equal money system. That’s why I want to apply myself and forgive myself, because I’m part of the shit that caused this fuck up to happen in the first place.

Stand up for ‘Equal-Money’