Day-012-I do perceive here a divided duty. Othello. ACT I Scene 3

The moment I finish my coffee I see the character that is my private self take a deep breath and leave the house to enter the world stage. Often that deep breath is my private character (the one I'm most comfortable with) realizing it has a few hours ahead to play as another character. And so my days are filled with acting out scripts that my mind as the director presents me with. I realize there is no self direction what so ever. Every scene I play is coming from the main character I call me. Where I hear myself say sorry that's typically me or I'm sorry that's how I am. Moments of total integration with the main character. A being in character.

In acting school they have a name for it called method acting. Becoming the character. What does that make me before I go into character, before another character? Where does it end? Is there a me or is it simply my mind presenting me with countless scripts and storyboards to choose from on a stage where I interact with billions of other actors?

From where or what do I go into character? If I'm not in character then what am I and where am I? It's a very cool point to look at because looking out into my world I see only projections of the characters I'm creating as reactions. My days are like a chain of improvisational sketches with the occasional passages I did memorize as I play 'the professional'. Within this I realize that growing up is ACTually going to acting school and working was the first serious role I played. I play the role of the father, lover, devil, demon, looser, etc. Played them all. My whole life is one big role playing game without ever realizing I was doing it. Totally forgot/suppressed what it is like to experience being here as breath without a script. What it is like to not re-act but to take action. The simplicity of walking by placing one foot after the other.

Isn't it completely absurd to look around and see that I'm only fucking acting out without ever realizing that this is not life. That I'm busy playing out predetermined scripts. I created so many characters I lost count a long the way and now I'm lost in wonderland talking to a rabbit.

I find myself lying on the couch as this lost character talking to a another character that plays the shrink. It's about time I start asking myself if all this acting I do is actually bringing forth something that is best for all? Can I ask myself? because that's like asking the director to give me another role to play.

Where do I start? How do I get to that point where I stop writing characters from the same alphabet to create scripts that have already been played by my other act-ore's a billion times? When do I act accordingly? Do I realize that nothing I do is act-u-all original in anyway? This realization for example is coming from me the character playing the observer. There is no realness here, I'm pixelated, recorded, projected and lost in the script presented by the internet at this very moment.


"I have to stop my thoughts" - character - it's a character because "I HAVE to stop MY thoughts" - then there's an I and a My and a "have to" - in this character, does one then ever really stop thoughts? The difference between character and Here, is a doing/living action in the moment, so whenever there is a statement instead of immediate application: you're creating a character" -


Sunette Spies


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge all and everything as real not seeing realizing and understanding that all I see is characters forming words that make up the scripts that define the actors that live up and play to generate the pixels of reality where I'am lost within the play as the characters I play with.

I commit myself to observe myself as the characters I play in order to identify my ACTions to stop acting and become real as breath to remain here as breath and forgive myself for the creation of characters that cause physical harm as my projections of and as reality.

Links:
Breaking Character by Jozien Fokkert
Here

Personality suits by Heath Ledger
Part 1
Part 2

My life as a character by Maya Harel
Here

Stepping out of Character by Bernard Poolman
Here

30 05 2012-I talk to much

I have been in this situation so often it's becoming ridiculous. I have to take this point by the balls because it's starting to really bug the hell out of me.  Ok, first of all it's painful to admit that I talk 'too much'! Yes I'm that person that starts talking and then you wonder what the fuck is this guy going on about? I'm the fucker that usually spoils the 'party'. Taxi we are leaving? I start and don't stop. I'm capable of having a conversation and then start monologging like a villain to a superhero. I'm aware I'm doing this. However I keep talking. WTF! Why is it that I know I talk too much? And why is my ego interfering at the moment. Because I didn't gave a perfect presentation of myself. I was not the man I wanted to present. I wanted to be something I'm not (yet). I didn't want to be that guy that talked to much. I don't even know if the person enjoyed my company. Could be or not be. Whatever the case I talked too much and I don't feel good about it and that is an emotional response so let me investigate that shit.

I know some people tend to find me interesting enough to start a conversation. I'm not rich, so they are not after my money. The looks? Don't think so. I don't have to hide myself but Tom Ford has nothing on me. All I know is that I have a mode where I talk to fucking much. Why? See me. Here I am. I have a voice. I do exist. I have an opinion. I'm capable of understanding fairly complex concepts so I'm not stupid. I like your companionship now let me entertain you so you be entertained. Don't leave your seat and please stay for the second act. Don't leave me in this empty theater called my restless mind where I don't know what to do with myself. I might have an overwhelming urge to present myself but I have a big enough inferiority complex to use as an excuse. Sorry that's how I am, can't help myself now let me be and swarm in self doubt, sorry, self reflection. That sounds much more grown up doesn't it you innocent ego you are.

I had a very pleasant encounter with another dog owner. We let the dogs play around and as we where sitting by the water listening to our dog stories we talked about dogs and we where enjoying the expression of the dogs playing around. It soon became clear that we had a openness we shared towards one another because It was very easy to talk. I didn't experience the reservedness I mostly encounter when I meet people in public. Often people are closed up and don't want to share themselves and it's a robotic hello, nice weather and goodbye. So as we talked it soon became clear we had some things in common. I was invited for coffee so we walked to her house where the conversation continued. We both are from the same village and it became clear we are related as family. Which explained the resonance I felt with this person. However as more and more facts where shared I somehow ignored the energy surge within me that came up as enthusiasm. I accepted and allowed myself to switch into that personality of myself as the orator telling stories because I want to tell the stories. I became A blabbering waterfall of verbal entertainment diarrhea. This person might have had a different experience I am absolutely sure I allowed myself to get possessed. I gave myself a finger and I had to take the whole hand.

So I cant help myself. Mmmmm. Well I can actually. Fuck! I have al the tools at my disposal. I can count to ten, breath, listen and observe myself. Why de fuck did that go down the drain tonight? I made a mistake (again) how to take the next take?

To be continued

The burning Daredevil

As a child, being one of the ‘dreamers’ in the classroom made me part of the small group of ‘different ones’. You know, the children that are mostly last in line when the soccer players are selected. Not that I liked playing soccer in the first place but you know what I mean.

As years past by I adapted this ‘being different’ as my personality. I mean it’s what was reflected back to me all the time so that’s kind of how I shaped my personality. My parents ‘lovingly’ reassured me that that I was ok and that there was ‘not much’ wrong with me. Which was great to hear but it didn’t change the course of events that followed and became ‘my life’.

I got into increasingly more trouble with my surroundings and started to move away from what was ‘socially’ accepted. I mean remove yourself from any given structure you are part of and you are on your own. That’s looking at it from my current perspective but at the time I was developing a personality which makes it a bit more complicated. So what became of that little boy I called me at the time?

Well there was a lot of frustration and anger because I didn’t feel accepted and there was my developing body that got stronger. I was a very ‘physical’ child, aware of what I could do with my body and I loved to experiment with it. So without being really aware of it I was always playing around with my ‘physical’ abilities and just looking how far I could push myself. At times this was pretty far compared to other children and sometimes I noticed that other kids would kind of be hypnotized by what I was doing. Grown ups started calling me a ‘daredevil’. I kind of thought it was a compliment although I didn’t understand the meaning of the word.

What’s a daredevil?

daredevil |ˈde(ə)rˌdevəl|
a reckless person who enjoys doing dangerous things.
adjective [ attrib. ] reckless and daring.

reckless |ˈrekləs|
Adjective (of a person or their actions) without thinking or caring about the consequences of an action
ORIGIN Old English reccelēas, from the Germanic base (meaning [care] ) of reck .

daring |ˈde(ə)ri ng |
(of a person or action) adventurous or audaciously bold : a daring crime.
• boldly unconventional: : a pretty girl in daring clothes.
adventurous courage : the zeal and daring of climbers.

ORIGIN Old English durran, of Germanic origin; related to Gothic gadaursan, from an Indo-European root shared by Greek tharsein and Sanskrit dhṛṣ- ‘be bold.’

Anger
By definition I was a reckless child and around that time I had a little bike I would drive around the neighborhood making engine noises as I drove a long with my tongue hanging out. This could be considered normal because that's what most boys do at that age. But whenever I was frustrated or angry I would find myself on my little bike driving around like a lunatic. Al my anger and frustration was pumped into my pedals and pulling the handlebars. Sometimes I would visualize pulling the whole bike into pieces. I was often that angry (energetically charged). A side effect of me doing this shit regularly every time I had to ‘release’ was that I got really fast on my little bike. Then BMX hit the scene back in the eighties and I was ‘hooked’. In school though, I was still this insecure inverted inside out kid with poor social skills that didn’t understand group dynamics and was looked upon as ‘the daredevil’.

Thus ‘I’ became Daredevil? my alter ego, my other self. And as time went by I completely accepted that persona in word and deed. Al my insecurity was replaced by bravura. Interesting that within the definition of a daredevil there is: ‘without thinking or caring about the consequences of an action’. My personality became a blown balloon full of lunacy, anti authority, non conformism, theater, drama etc. An insecure mister knowitall hiding behind larger than life stories. The outcome from my present perspective was predictable.

So my skill set was far from what’s preferable in a rigid corporate system you are supposed to embrace as you grow up or into. On top of that, coming from a social left wing family background money was a dirty word in the first place. Yes you always end up walking the path of your predecessors until that first self-honest question is answered. Who the fuck am ‘I’ really?

I despised (financial) successful people and money out of inferiority. Why? Because those people had all the characteristics of the kids that did good in school. Kids that where able to adapt into the system with great ease. Learning the tricks of the trade and do the trading. Now it makes a whole lot of sense to me that what I despise will not come to me. This is exactly what happened in my life. Complaining about the lack of ‘resources’ and at the same time spiting them. That’s not a recipe for success is it. You can be a daredevil in this system but make sure you are head of a bank or a corporation first.

Being that daredevil upside down in a tree is looking at myself through a veil of perceptions. Replacing that veil with a mirror would have reflected the inner demon of my self accepted ego that fucked me time after time. It trapped me into that perceived persona of the daredevil. As a result I have lived limitation al my life only because I accepted and allowed myself to be what was reflected instead of looking what was really there. Such stupidity. Now standing up from this and walking back the manifested consequences is the story unfolding. It’s the toughest most painful thing I ever did and at the same time the most rewarding and soothing because I’m bringing myself back to me.

Daredevilism is a set of skills applied to a certain set of physical challenges that have no real application other than entertainment and satisfaction of the ego of the daredevil in question. The Daredevil can only transform by altering the starting point and definitions regarding ‘him-self’ as the Daredevil. This can only be done with the support and reflection of people doing the same thing otherwise he would walk blinded into the next self created stunt or disaster.

There is a Daredevil in all of us. Investigate and you’l be amazed by what we create in this reality we call ourselves. My journey with Desteni so far made everything I did as a daredevil look pathetic. Seeing myself in self honesty took more courage then anything I ever did in my life. It's like being Evil Knievel stuck in his own burning tunnel burning to death.

My Daredevil ego goes wild when it get's no attention. Often I look away for a second which is enough to let it fuck me up completely. That’s where the real challenge of self-honesty begins for me. No rewards for my ego. Time after time again. Every day, every second and every breath until it’s done.

My business will resolve itself...

Het loopt wel los

Today I was on the phone having a conversation. Somewhere down the line I said “this thing will resolve itself” (het loopt wel los). In holland this phrase is used often when something or a subject doesn’t get addressed and or is avoided. It’s mostly spoken in a soothing manner as if the problem isn’t there.

The English translation is not as specific as the phrase we use in Holland. It literally means:

‘It will run loose’. This implicates that there is going to be a  problem. Let’s just wait and see what happens. So actually it’s like the fireman that says “let it burn”. So I’m looking at this phrase and the way I used it.

So what I actually said was: “fuck it”. It implies that I don’t want to deal with it, don’t’ want to think about it. It’s not my problem and not my responsibility. You versus me. It’s an ego thing.

Twents

Now where I live (Twente) we speak a dialect that is more related to the german and english language than dutch and when translated to my dialect this sentence get’s a different meaning.

In dutch ‘los’ means loose. So the thing is running loose and or will come apart. Now in the dialect people speak in my region they say - ‘t löp wa los -. The meaning of the word ‘los’ in this dialect means ‘open’

So there is a subtle difference and it becomes:

“let it run loose” (dutch)

“it will open up” (dialect)

Dutch is a language that was spoken in the west of Holland. Amsterdam, trade, colonialism. It’s where the ships sailed, the trading was done and the slave trade kept the books. 

It’s where the VOC reigned. The first ever company based on shares and shareholders. It was the birthplace of the stockmarket and virtual value. New York used to be new Amsterdam. 

The east of Holland on the contrary was wildland run by farmers that depended on nature and each other for survival. The social structure and means for survival where completely different. For soccer fans this is clearly seen by the way soccer clubs like Ajax and Twente are doing business today. There are subtle differences.

Farming and fighting

A businessman takes risks. He will make a strategic plan based on profit margins and the risk involved. Usually when risks are high, the profit margins are too. This goes for farmers as well as businessmen. However if you are dependent on nature as your prime source of income. It will be nature that dictates almost everything you do. So looking at it from that perspective it makes kind of sense. 

When you prepared the fields and the seeds are in the ground, you nurture and wait till it opens up. Nature supports you and you support nature. If the climate comes your way you might have an extra good harvest and maybe some extra grain to sell. That little extra was = luxury. It enabled the farmer to buy things he didn’t grow on his own land or to buy tools. 

A business man knows that running a (marketing) campaign is like executing a battle plan. The moment you set it off it’s on it’s own. Everything and everybody must stick to the plan otherwise the targets are not met and profit goes down or becomes loss. Shareholders don’t like that. It’s war remember.

Building empires

Don’t be fooled by advertising. Advertising is making friends, it binds the group. It licks your feet and makes you smile. It’s the liar lying in your face with an irresistible smile and blinding white teeth. Marketing is war. It’s what makes everything move and everything is either in or out. 

So make no mistake. If you work in the corporate world and someone tells you that the company is ‘green’, donates to a kitty home, gives 10% away to charity etc. You are being advertised! You are an expandable soldier kept in place by the rules of engagement. You are either a foot soldier an officer or you occupy the war room. It’s as simple as that. I’m not judging. I’m just making an observation here and it might give some perspective on the word ‘workforce’.

Equation

Everything done by the military is done exactly the same in business. Politics simply rule both. Who profits from war and who suffers? It’s always the same. If you grasp that it’s the subtle difference between making a profit at the cost of others or become one and equal with life itself in order to live. Than you understand ‘equal money’. So please let’s investigate together before this blog needs banners to survive.

Let's start a business

Why I started my first business
Back in 1993 I was the 3th of my 6 years in Art School. I was a student leading a student life. Meaning that I had a rather optimistic and careless view on my future and did a lot of partying. I did jobs on the side for a signage company on a regular bases. I didn’t have a lot of money to spent but I would say that I was able to lead a rather careless life. If I really ran into financial problems my parents would help with the little assets they had and I could always drop by for dinner. So I had my own place, education, food, friends and off coarse my bike. I drove my bike everyday. I never made  long term plans for the future. I always thought that the future would turn out fine if I just kept going. What I was doing was far from what so called ‘normal’ people where doing. I was painting abstract paintings, building objects, studied graphic design and typography and I was reading a lot. Most of my reading had nothing to do with Art or Graphic Design. It was on Philosophy, psychology, religion, and science. One subject that was always on my mind was ‘the truth’. As long as I can remember this question bugged the hell out of me. And off coarse I felt rather special.

I think I knew
I was 21 years old and somehow I knew that it was impossible to answer this ‘truth’ question definitively. If the answer had to come from ‘a brain’ we would all be fucked. No matter how intelligent the being might be the answer could not be trusted. From all I read the only conclusion I could draw was that it was all energy, vibration, frequency. Plus-minus, ying-yang, light-dark, rich-poor, warm-cold etc. Looking around the only thing I saw was extreme polarity. I found Quantum mechanics one of the most intriguing subjects at the time. I read a lot of that stuff and was fascinated. It made ‘sense’ because it didn’t make sense and that was as close to reality as it got for me. Strangely enough it also touched a lot of subjects that where very well and scientifically described in the Vedic scriptures I was reading. These where however more than 5000 years old and that raised another book of questions. Are we 5000 years behind? And if so, what the fuck happened during that time? These questions kept me pretty occupied with myself most of the time.

More Money?
Now if money wouldn’t have been a problem this ‘truth’ thing would probably have become my life’s work as an artist. Most of the things I made in school all related back to my central question ‘truth’. At that time I really thought I would become an artist. Living the ‘free’ life. No office cubicles, no nine to five. I felt superior to everything middle-class or had authority. I would become more or less famous and my art would tell the story. Money wouldn’t be a problem. However as time went by ‘reality’ started to burst my bubble. I was paying the rent and it went up every year. I was paying taxes and they went up every year. I did my groceries and they became more expensive every year. In the mean time it seemed like everybody got richer around me and everything got more expensive. It was very upsetting and I realized that I probably missed out an important part of this reality and that was economics.

Taking the short cut
I didn’t have any money and didn’t have a clue about how it worked. So one day this job offer comes in. It meant working with a Mac computer from 08:00 in the morning till 17:30 in the afternoon, inside an office, 5 days a week. The strange thing was that all my ambition and principles kind of went out the window the moment I heard what they where willing to pay me. It was ridiculous. It was more than three times the amount of money I got in at that time. Even my teachers in art school weren’t making that kind of money. So they told me to just go for it. And from one moment to the next I was a 23 year old middle class person in an office cubicle. I became ‘them’. I got my drivers licence. Refurbished my apartment. Paid of my debts. Went on holidays etc. Yes, I got used to money.  It changed my view on life dramatically. After one year I started to become really depressed. I saw people having affairs on the work floor. Dipping responsibilities, going home early. More or less everybody around me was fucking the company so in fact we all fucked each other. It was disturbing and you couldn’t do a damn thing about it except leave. Which I didn’t do because of the money. I felt guilty and at the same time I justified my guild with having no choice. Then the whole plan changed as they planned to move my department from the east of holland to amsterdam in the west. There wasn’t one hair on my head thinking of moving to amsterdam. So I waited till they asked me what I wanted to do. I said that I would not join them and politely refused. The moment they asked me what my plans where I heard myself say I was going to start my own company. Strangely enough a good friend of mine cancelled his plans for a trip around the world and of we where to start our own design/advertising agency.

My banking experience
Now if you don’t have any money to start a business, what do you do? You work and save till you have enough to do so. You use your scarce time to find clients and you build a network right? No. We just made a plan. My friend who is a good writer made a hell of a story out of it. I made a nice book for the story to fit inn. That book was taken to a bank where a nice man with a nice suit looked into it. This man called us back and said that lending us about 150.000 Dutch guilders wouldn’t be a problem. So without any business experience and 150.000 in the bank these two young adults go into business? We didn’t have a clue but we got work inn and we did some rather nice projects. The other story is that after 3 years we where totally busted, our friendship was down the drain and we owed the bank a lot of money. It would have been better to get the money from the Russian around the corner. The Russian was a much better motivator to young adults.

My inner experience
After all this time I know that the one thing that fucked me up the most in doing business was a complete lack of self-honesty. The blind eye is a trap that traps a lot of self employed people. Identify yourself enough with what you do and think and it takes you over completely. I became a jabbering kind of advertising robot spewing out the lingo. After this ordeal I promised myself to never loan from banks ever again. Debt is the shackle that has chained reality. You and I are fucked within the system. Camouflaged with paper and computers and decentralized responsibility. You can’t touch them but they can touch you for sure. Who’s getting the best out of this deal? We are all participating in the biggest pyramid scheme ever and it’s called -economics- Yeah I know, you never see the truth when it’s standing right in front of you. Well this is where that truth finding mission ended for me. This game is the end game and it nears it’s saturation point. This is my wake up call to an equal money system. And now I must make some money, got to eat tomorrow.

Naming my games

10 03 2011

Bodytalk
Today I had my second appointment with my Kinesiologist. The first time I was there, two specific points came trough. One was Earth the other was Water. They where both related to the elements/points of wood and fire. These two came trough as a ‘consequence’. Earth and water kind of in and as the polarity cancelling each other out. Leaving me stuck in the polarity middle or a loop sort of. Being stuck and unable to push/move. Fascinating stuff really.

So after this first consult I kind of stuck to a few simple goals for myself. I wanted to have a few simple routines that I could keep close to me daily and in every moment in an uncomplicated way. Just simple handy tools so I could be applying myself physically in every moment as much as possible. Mainly because I realize that I’m over complicating things most of the time. I had to be in the moment and breath as much as possible. Be in the moment and observe. Observing thoughts as they came up and don’t interact. Second point, keep moving in whatever I’m doing. Keep walking. Get it done, don’t hesitate. Take action again and again. And let go of what just happened as soon as possible.

So just by doing this I immediately got confronted with the waterfall of thoughts and the ridiculous little amount of time I spend in ‘the now’. It was a daily ‘mind-boggling’ experience watching these rivers of thoughts connect to feelings and emotions. So the next thing I tried to do was to apply self-forgiveness. This proved to be too much. This is where I kind of completely lost it.

Thoughts on the horizon
Now this I find very interesting. I noticed the following. Sometimes a thought came up but I wasn’t aware of the fact that I was actually just looking at it. No emotions, no feelings. I just watched them pas by like ships on the horizon. For example when driving my car I would see them as ‘things’ passing by. In the mean time I would breath and stay focussed on driving the car as me driving the car. Quite ‘ok’ actually. The strange thing being that I wasn’t aware of the fact that I was doing this. Then the next thing that would happen is my mind would kick in. “Shouldn’t you apply self forgiveness on that image that you just saw?”. “Come on you have to do this for yourself”. So I would go back to the image or thought, bring it back again and try to apply self forgiveness on it. I think what I should have done was adress 'the act' of me bringing these image or thoughts back. I 'saw' this as I was 'on the table' this afternoon.

Body support
I just didn’t see it staring me in the face. Got completely lost for words. And there it is. In the words. Naming the game. Keeping it simple. Not seeing the thing in front of me because I’m looking too far ahead. At the same time trying to apply self-forgiveness on the fact that I’m not able to see the real shit that’s right in front of me. What a mindfuck (LOL). This came to me as I was lying on the table talking to my Kinesiologist while she was working on me. It was really cool to have my own body giving me feedback like this. Thank you big time ‘buddy/body’.

Stop suppressing myself
When she asked me about specific points that I would like to address I brought this stuff up. I found it hard to be specific towards her because she speaks kind of a different language. The 'language' of Kinesiologists. I was able to communicate my point by explaining. That I had a ‘problem’ stopping my mind when thoughts and images would come. That I would judge myself when this happened and that these judgements would lead to suppression and ‘depression’. Causing friction thus energy and that this energy would manifest as the ‘hyper anxious me’. I told her I was kind of done with this ‘anxious me’. That this point needed 'change'. It has to be dissolved. I also explained the difficulties I experienced in voicing myself in and as simplicity. I experience my mind as this hysterical child that’s with me all day an it’s just tiring. Plain and specifically ‘simple’ voicing that’s what I would be able to do.

For example:


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about not realizing that I have to just go to the toilet when I feel the urge to pee because this is not a healthy habit.


Instead off:


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not go to the toilet when I feel the need to pee.

I’m over complicating things all the time and I realize that it’s a big part of the way I programmed myself over the years. Taking way to much variables into my daily equations and situations. It’s no surprise that people see me as ‘distracted’ because I am. I realize that I find it very hard to be specific and give straight answers to seemingly straight forward questions.

Getting to ‘thee-point’ of self-intimacy
So she stopped me in my words and said “got it”. We both laughed and we started testing. At one point she asked me to massage (she knows I can do this) a specific point on the left side of my pubic bone. The moment I did this I noticed how sensitive and painful this was compared to the right side. So I asked her about this point and where it stood for.

It was related to my liver. "Having something on your liver" is a common phrase used in holland. So What’s on my liver? Interesting point. I did the massage and in the mean time she treated my back in the liver area. It took like one minute. Pain was gone and the little headache I had disappeared as well. This is really cool stuff. It’s immediate! It’s my body. No lies and instant truth about what’s here to be addressed. It also brought up the point of ‘self-intimacy’ very clearly. What does that mean to me? Well the proof of the pudding was in the eating. That’s what it was right there. Touch! just start touching. Just fucking do it instead of noticing shit in the mind. It’s again too simple to be true. So the whole point of self-intimacy bursted open for me right there. Cool as hell again. My new definition of Sex isn’t actually new. It’s that. It’s touch and giving yourself ‘real’ and specific ‘physical attention’. Checking myself by the millimetre. Point for point and start fucking talking to my body. I live inn it!

I forgive msyelf that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not talk to my body

Willing and walking
So the next thing was the point of ‘willing myself’. This is related to points on the side of my hands under my pink (finger) “Learning from 'mis-takes' and ‘knowing’ what’s good for ‘one’-self”. These point are related to the small intestine. The part that takes care of getting the specific and necessary nutrients out of all the stuff we put in our body’s daily. Again, very cool because for me this is so clearly related to this point of ‘being specific’, in voicing myself. Getting the ‘specific information’ out. Exercising my ability as the small intestine to know what I’m looking for and get what I need to support myself. Not wasting time in the process. In relation to this point she suggested a ‘Kraneo’ head massage. So the next appointment is next Wednesday. Going to get my head examined finally.

Give yourself a present and visit a ‘good’ Kinesiologist. It’s cool beyond ‘words’.

It's not my fault...

07 03 2011

Resistance

Over the last week I noticed a build up of resistance. The changes I’m going trough and the insights I’m getting are not ‘happy and joyful’ ones. So like a little spoiled child I go into resistance. I crawl under a blanket avoiding the ‘bad and ugly monsters’. The difference being that there is no parent that corrects or confronts me and that the monsters are created by myself. There is only me ‘as the parent’. So I create a lot of friction because I’m in a permanent state of polarity. Judging away at myself and at the same time realising that this is not the way to go. I lock up instead of applying myself immediately in those moments. To stop and breath. One particular point is important though. Taking a brake is not a ‘bad’ thing It’s taking an effective brake that’s the point here (I think).

A freaked out squirrel

There is this design job I’m working on. I started a weekend ago and I presented the first Ideas to the client on Tuesday last week. I was convinced it was good and I would get the ‘go ahead’ for working out the ideas. This was not the case. And although I realized nothing bad happened, my fears and ego got in the way big time. Also finishing the last DIP assignment was laying on the table downstairs. I locked into this pattern of being nerved and anxious. I have to perform, be disciplined, keep working. Go, go, go. It’s not a pattern actually. I think it’s part of the personality I created over the years. Hyped up. Never here. The expression would be a stressed out nut gathering squirrel on a branch looking for another tree that’s just too far away. He jumps, hits a few branches and lands on the Forrest floor (loosing his nuts in the process). He’s now on the same Forrest floor he should have used in the first place to get to the other tree. Now he climbs into the same tree again and repeats himself. I don’t want to judge myself to hard here but this is one stupid squirrel.

Hello personality

Wanting to be good and professional. Trying way too hard to be good and when the first obstacle presents itself the drama-queen stands up. A nervous, hyped up and insecure little kid that doesn’t now what to do or go about the simple things in front of him. I hysterical give into all the points my mind presents. And all that is presented are points of resistance and distraction that don’t support me whatsoever. Running away as far as I can from the confrontation.

Sidetracks

It’s the real shit here. What does it really mean to stop? To stop and take responsibilty for me and do what’s best for me, what’s best for all. Flight patterns that’s what they are. Instead of taking a real brake and just stop, go outside and walk for an hour (to the next tree). I find myself on the internet looking at horrific war imagery from Iraq and Afghanistan. Downloading a movie so I have something to watch in bed under the cover of ‘taking a brake’. Next thing I notice, it’s way too late and I’ve allowed myself to be sidetracked for a ridiculous amount of time. At the same time I’m permanently aware of myself doing this. There was this little voice saying ‘Mike come on, stop’. Mike you know what you are doing, stop’. I didn’t. Like a junkie I just kept on avoiding the things I had to address. The longer this lasted the bigger became the friction. The bigger the friction the more energy was generated. I locked inn, got possessed and eventually I was not productive at all.

Looping

What does this tell me. First of all. I must be more aware of the highs and lows. The way I charge myself with energy. It’s a fucker and it fucks me every time. It’s part of the personality I created and it has to come down. This has to be dissolved. So I must again remind myself and bring into action the ‘stopping’. What does stopping and slowing down practically mean to me? This I have to bring into the physical. Practically apply myself here. If not, I will be writing the same shit down again next week.

Keep it simple stupid

It’s too simple to believe actually. Maybe that’s why I cant do it. It’s a believe system I simply have to drop. Nothing is simple, can’t be. So now stress out Mike because it’s ‘hopeless’, I’m hopeless, I’m to stupid to understand. Run Forrest, run. So I run. I run onto the internet, I run into pictures, thoughts and emotions that have nothing to do with me or the thing standing in front of me. It’s a lie I believe in. Believes based on inferiority and fear of losing. It’s my superego versus that scary kid that isn’t allowed to speak about his fears and getting the support he needs. I’m starting to look at what I accepted and have allowed myself to become as the mind. A few months ago I would have been on the couch smoking my weed and go adios bad world. So these things slapping me in the face shouldn’t be a surprise actually.

Stand and deliver

I charged myself way to much last week and forgot to just stop, take a step back and look at myself from a different perspective. Instead I got consumed by taking on one thing after the other thinking that’s the productive way to go. A false sense of pushing. Look I’m pushing. I’m ok. I’m not lazy. In the mean time I was not productive at all And when the weekend came I was completely nervous and hyped up. Let’s see how this week goes.