Day-025-10.4 the 'copy cat' loop

This  is a (coincidental) follow up to
Day-024-Getting rid of headaches

Reacting too generalizations
Sometimes I catch myself within a reaction saying something a long the line of: "that's cool we should all do that" or "we should all learn from that". And I noticed that I'm not the only one doing this. Everybody I know has this particular line of code in their vocabulary. So if this phrase or reaction to our environment is common it must be part of our basic structure and operating system and by now I know that when I observe programs like these they are flag points. It's observing myself in the mirror as software looping within and as the mind instead of being here seeing myself looking in the mirror. Here I stop and breath and take a moment to reflect.

One but not the same (how is that possible?)
Within seeing myself reacting I immediately realized what I was doing. I was reacting preprogrammed like a dog barking with the pack not questioning why it is barking. Letting everybody within the pack know I was there with my particular sent and voice tonality. Arf, arf, bark, bark. Here I am the white dog with the blue eyes. 

This is me participating within the most basic form of communication and it makes me wonder about the word 'communication'.

Communication The imparting or exchanging of information or news. The successful conveying or sharing of ideas and feelings. Social contact. She gave him some hope of her return, or at least of their future communication.
ORIGIN late Middle English: from Old French comunicacion, from Latin communicatio(n-), from the verb communicare ‘to share’

See the new dictionary defenition says it's about greater understanding (software integration). The origin of the word communication dates back to the greek and theirs definition describes exactly that what it is is 'to share'. It's in fact nothing more than that. Even the word hope exists within this construct. 'Hope' and 'should'. Fruit from the same tree. So eventually it's simply sharing whatever it is that's there even a pile of bullshit. As long as it is shared and we do it together we feel accepted and safe within our 'sharing group'.

Projecting my religious assumptions
I see myself sharing and confirming my moral/religious statements as projections into the future 'we should...'. It holds no substance or relevance other than sharing a portion of my morality like a dork barking with the pack not making sense other than noise pollution as verbal diarrhea. Haleluyipikaye.

Adapting a religion as behavior within the hive
Why do I do this? What am I doing? As an example, an event takes place in my presence or I witness something while I am with other people and there is this common reaction one can have as a group. Here I witness myself as part of a pack as I silently agree too 'group protocol' and adapt group behavior, a religion with the sole purpose to gain access too another network or group solely for self interest. The hilarious part being that I'm too brainwashed to be aware of it. The leader of the pack mostly is not but that's another story.

"Yes this Bobcat and deer living together is a great example, we should learn from them"

or 

"Yes I prefer spirituality over religion as well, we should all be more spiritual"

or 

" I agree italian cars seem to have more character, the japanese should learn how to bring more character into their designs"

And so on...

Pasword, routines and program execution
So If I'm with a group of philosophers the focus will be on philosophy. Different perspectives, philosophers etc. Enough stuff to talk about and to have different opinions about and enough common demeanors to experience myself as part of a group and feel safe. With designers the pith of the matter will be focussed around design. All individuals have their set of preferences regarding design and esthetics they all more or less share the same background/education/programming. 

Within these networks I communicate about the same stuff from the past in the same dialect so to speak. Like preachers do every sunday. Preaching for and within my own church. And so I can sit with musicians and the whole evening will be filled with information about cords, amplifiers, drumheads, cymbals and the longest guitar solo ever. Photographers will talk about optical abriviation, color correction lens flare, until your head pops. It's all dead words because I'm  only sharing. I'm not producing any substance other than words. Dead words. Here I see myself producing lines of code from the past coming from the pool of information regarding design coming from the design community as the religion of design. And it's all about keeping the relationships as energy going within groups in relation too others too others etc. Indeed programs within programs with an occasional software upgrade or downgrade lol. Being with the program isn't that a much used phrase in spy thrillers? Am I in or out!

The should loop 
We should all follow Jezus. We should all love or neighbor... Should is is a shot in thin air. 'Should' is a first class fucker. I should remind myself of that lol. I could go on and on about the small details and constructs That i'm parroting from my own history books, the teachers I had and my social surroundings as the influenza of reality. The viral code I have accepted and allowed to compose a set of definitions that became my preferences on esthetics and design in general which became part of my personality as my projections towards reality as a whole. I should make this better, that faster and satisfy you more.

Focussing on the flaws (existing as a permanent critic) 
So when and as I make picture presentations of 'design' that conforms to the general religion as propagated by the authority of the elite as the group of designers as 'good design' I will immediately have judgement towards that object and within that e-value it. In my case literally energize it as enthusiasm or 'love' or hate. But it's at it's root all based on criticizing everything instead of practical enjoyment of something that's form follows function and simply functions and thus assists and supports me in doing whatever it is I have to do with it. Within that perspective I can have a look at myself as a design which I am. 

within this I see realize and understand that I apply this construct and it's mechanism unto my reality in all I do. I am permanently 'judging', evaluating and calibrating myself within my world and reality in relation to my preprogrammed religions because I fear the unknown. That which is not understood which is me. I'am literally living and projecting my past all the time! Consequently nothing 'new' will step forward nor will I be able to change who I am or what I am.

How to stop living in the past if I'm all ready dead
A phrase I heard often. "Stop living in the past". Hilariously good advice to give each other. We 'should' do that all the time agree? Mean while I refuse to change and continue to spread my historic bullshit and even worse, I'm sharing it with with my child as well culminating into this reality that is world war 3 in full blast and we are not even aware it's going on. It's everywhere and these religious projections about a reality we do not understand ourselves lying to our children and child abuse of epic proportion. Living the past in the present. Is it really that simple? If this is form follows function then the purpose our basic design must be total destruction. Because the fuckness I find myself in as this world is nothing more then a reflection of who I am in the past.

How lost I am within and as the mind. It's cool to see how I am able trough writing this shit out show myself how I operate within these parts.

Ten four out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to generalizations

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge people, objects, concepts as cool, not so cool, awful and awesome

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop myself and instead participate within judging people, objects, concepts as cool, not so cool, awful and awesome

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a dog barking with the pack

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not question myself when I go into a reaction towards reality where I judge people, objects, concepts as cool, not so cool, awful and awesome

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself because I want to be part of a group making noise and manifesting myself solely for sake of manifesting myself in order to be seen like a product on a shelf fighting for attention on the scene within the scenery

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make claims to what should be done or what I should be doing and not doing them making my words dead fish in the water not even causing a ripple in the ocean called reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge people, objects, concepts as cool, not so cool, awful and awesome in relation to laws and rules made by myself as part of the elite that define what is good and bad and wrong and right seeing realizing that I'm simply part of the polarity play out yin yanging myself trough space and time  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that the fundamental design of reality is me as polarity all the time in order to generate energy within and as these play outs judging everything within every frame I capture with my minds eye

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to Identifying myself with the outside reality instead of realizing that I'm doing this out of fear of what I might find investigating my reality within

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the phrase "Stop living in the past". Seeing realizing I myself am not able to stand as an example of that point as a whole thus becoming part of the pool of bullshit that is turning this world into the whole of pity it is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my historic bullshit as my own propaganda within and unto my relationships as these religious projections seeing realizing I'm thus becoming part of the problem instead of a solution that's best for all

http://desteni.org/
http://desteniiprocess.com/
http://eqafe.com/
http://destonians.com/

Day-017-Is there something in it for me?

For the last few months I have been working freelance out of town a few kilometers instead of from home. This makes it a bit problematic for my dog who has to stay home alone. I could take her to work but it's far from Ideal because she would have to be outside on a leash all day. So my parents stepped in and said they where okay with having the dog over at their place during the day. Our family had dogs as long as I can remember so my parents are more than comfortable around dogs. My mother has a slight problem with her hips so my father is the one who takes the dog for a little stroll around lunch.

The dog loves to stay at my parents I can tell because she communicates it as soon as she knows we are heading for my parents house. One could say the dog and my parents 'love' each other.

Now I'm having a friend over from Amsterdam and we decided it might be a good Idea to take a road trip up to amsterdam to look at this friends new house that was just finished. So I need someone to take care of the dog. My brother is on holiday so I see myself calling my parents to ask if it's possible to take care of my dog for a night. My dad picks up the phone and tells me it's not a problem.

When I arrive to drop of my dog I start small talking with my dad who's finishing up a paint job. Then my mother comes into the room. Her face frowned, and she looks irritated. So there must be something on her mind. And yes within a few sentences she more or less shares that she is not ok with the dog staying. I say "ok" only problem is that I already got the 'go' ahead from dad and I'm about ten minutes from leaving for Amsterdam. So I ask about the problem/friction between her and my dad.

So she starts making her point(s) and within this starts ranting as I have heard her rant a thousand times before. That stuff in my life is not her responsibility and that she's ok with the dog staying during the week but not in the weekends, only in emergency's and so forth. Her frustration and anger starts seeping trough and the stream of information becomes ever more emotional/energized. I can feel the surge within myself as well so I realize I have to stop my participation within this and take corrective action.

First of I need to clarify, so I ask If the deal is of and if I should I make other arrangements? I'm not getting a straight answer, instead I get more ranting. I listen a bit more take a breath and ask again; "Should I make other arrangements?" Apparently it irritates her that I'm not participating within the argument and words spoken and that I'm not as reactive as I would normally be. Instead I stick to the binary equation of dog stay–dog go. So again I state that I want to take action and make other arrangements if she's not ok with the situation. Still no answer. I notice that she's getting even more frustrated by me not participating within the argument. Eventually she says; "OK but it's only for one night".

 -?-

A question I should have asked myself a long time ago. Why the fuzz? Why the energy? Why now? Why here? Why me? Why participate? Why this person? Why this point? Why this specific point? Why make it worse?

Walking home I ponder on what just happened. And looking back the 'only for one night' statement stands out. The question is about one night so why is the word 'only' used.

– 'Only'–

Or 'only' because it's you? Or 'only' this once? Onelie. Interesting. Looking at myself when I use this 'only' as in a one lie construction is stating that I'm making an exception. It's a hidden I ow you you ow me. It's a manipulation pattern that binds people within relationships within the point of mutual fuckness. It's a worm on a hook. A hidden agenda.  There is a pattern behind the way the word is used and it has something to do with 'gaining'. So what's the pattern and what is there to 'gain'?

I see that it's all about relationships and emotions being released. I'm not some guy on the street, I'm the son of the mother that has raised me and my brother and is married to my father for over forty years. A lot of shit happens in forty years believe me. So the dog is merely the trigger. It could have been anything.

Obviously something is suppressed. It's what people do especially in relationships and particular within family. You take it in, you bare the load. You stick to it through thick and thin. You take shit you wouldn't take from a stranger and sacrifice what you have untill… Yes untill what? Untill you realize you have been fucking working your ass of your whole life. Went through the pain of carrying two babies watched as they tried to find their way in a world you don't understand yourself and neither do they. You see your parents and family get old and sick and die. You see the world change into something that departs from everything you as a child believed in. You take on the role of being there for everyone. To be the stability point becoming ever more unstable yourself because all this energy is eating away at you literally. Then your husband get's his first stroke and you realize some day in the not to distant future me and my children will be all that's left. And one of them is this fucker with a dog and an opinion and it's my son. What the fuck?

Placing myself in my mothers shoes seeing myself having children that grow up in world that changed from a postwar fairytale into a consumer megapolis with internet and facebook friends. Is far from coronation street and the sturdy family structures my parents come from. Present reality with Television-feeds coming straight from the tips of precision bombs dropped from drones guided by youngster that don't know the difference between their playstation and workstation. It's hard for me to get my head around this shit let alone the generation my parents belong to.

The future as in now is not at all playing out like the cosy family weekends we had gathering berries in my grandmothers garden. I grew up in a family structure that dictated who, what, where and when very clearly. What I see in people including myself is a point where one gives up and says; "leave me alone, I had enough". Problem is, then what? I cannot simply stop what I'm doing. I created this whole outflow of events including my children. What the fuck! Yes what the fuck! Family and friends and the extend of brainwashing that takes place when we interact and subtly exchange and upload these morality programs as we develop our relationships. Eventually I will realize that I fucked it all up because that is exactly what I was supposed to do and now I'm to ashamed to admit it. In fact everybody is!

It's quite a fuckup and seeing myself participating and reacting within this throughout my life does not paint the picture any prettier. It's time to get to the raw experience of myself and what it means to be part of society within a family and the effects I have on the world around me within every breath. Every gesture, tonality, word I used to create the world around me and the effect I have on other beings as I constantly project and manipulate myself from the starting point of self interest.

You can stay up late ('only') if you help me do the dishes tonight.

See, where can we go from there? Let's start removing the blindfold from what is called the cornerstone of society and see the devastation it has brought upon humanity. No place keeps us hidden from the raw experience of ourselves better than a well oiled family structure and teachers coming from the same place. I will myself to embrace my mother and father as they where born from the ones that went before. I realize that the children that come will only have a chance If I create that chance for them by changing myself.

To be continued.

Day-014-Mad Mike as 'the adrenaline Junkie'

This is a follow up to:
Day-013-My Adrenaline Junkie character

In my last post I wrote about myself as the adrenaline Junkie. Within that I stated that the adrenaline junkie character gave me the experience of success. An experience I was not able to perceive as myself as such socially. Meaning in school, relationships, etc. What is my definition of success within and as this character of the adrenaline junkie and does this imply I defined other characters as losers? Was that adrenaline Junkie character a disguise to hide the character of a shy over sensitive kid? Why hide? How did I define success in the first place?


Success by dictionary definition: 
Accomplishing an aim or purpose.
Having achieved popularity, profit, or distinction: a successful actor.


Aim or purpose. A robot serving the master. Achieving popularity and then profit  lol. Yeah actors alright…

So as the Adrenaline Junkie, I was successful within sports I practiced. I trained a lot, I trained hard and I knew that in order to increase performance I had to step it up every time all the time. Within that I realized that stepping it up meant being out of my comfort zone regularly. It meant pushing and often push beyond the limits in order to find out what the limits were.

Being on and sometimes over the limit and becoming comfortable in that zone is a great confidence/character builder. At the same time I enjoyed myself racing and flying around as I slowly gathered experience in a playful way. Within that I see, realize and understand that I was able to apply myself because I also enjoyed myself. The more finesse I got the more I enjoyed myself the more I developed those characters.

What I remember well was the difference between playing around and train with trainers. Having support and be able to mirror what I was doing and within that I also allowed to push myself. It's because of that I can also see that a buddy system can speed things up significantly. At first there was permanent pain as I started to train. Sometimes I trained so hard I couldn't walk as I got home. I didn't complain because when you train there will be pain. No pain no gain. Interesting point to do a post on.

The more I trained the more I improved the more I conditioned myself the faster these pains would disappear and after a few years the whole experience of my body had changed. It was amazing to be able to train till my eyeballs popped and have my muscles on fire and go to school the next day with just this slight heaviness in my legs. I became 'strong' and sturdy. This was also the time I got interested in girls. Apparently girls liked strong and sturdy although I was not fully aware of it at the time. There was definitively a 'conscious' relationship I developed with my body. I felt very confident with my body.

Confidence as confide within the the 'I' of my ego as the strong and confident winner. Not seeing realizing and understanding 'I' conned myself and within that is the point of creating Icons as characters of success within and as me.

Sometimes I was amazed and surprised by what my body could do and more training meant less thinking. Less thinking meant relaxation hence the addiction. Having reflexes trained into the body, having a body that knows what to do and when to do it was such a cool realization and experience. That also showed me that fear was always me as the mind as projections, "what if I blow a tire", what if the rope brakes", what if the weather changes", " what if the boat sinks". It's these seemingly simple thoughts that fucked me up. Fear had nothing to do with my physical abilities. That was a realization I used a lot when I did visualizations to get over/push trough fears. There is always that first jump and it makes no sense to visualize a crash. Better start by visualizing a perfect jump. This worked!

One would expect me to use these insights in other aspects of my life as well but I didn't. Why? Other aspects of my life I did not enjoy. I did not enjoy being in school. Sitting on a chair with a body that only wants to move is pure torture. I did not enjoy learning. I did not enjoy social activities unless they where physical. At one point I was psychologically tested but they couldn't find anything out of the 'ordinary' except my ability to concentrate was below average. At the same time stuff I did as the 'adrenaline junkie' required utmost focus and concentration lol. All that bullshit made no sense to me. Within this is my "It has to be fun character". I other aspects of life I didn't push myself as hard as I did within sports and physical labour.

We always think we will be more successful than our parents who where thinking the same thing. That's what I thought. I was convinced I would be. So there is no authority and we don't have a clue. It's still strange to sit here writing this shit down seeing that as children we have all looked beyond the veil and at the same time there was nothing we could do. Exactly like our parents. What choices does a child have besides going crazy or suppress the whole thing and merge with the fuckup called success? What's the difference anyway? If I don't brake the pattern no one will.

My bike was my escape and I spend almost all my free time on my bike or doing other physical stuff. What I did not realize and what was never explained to me until I found the Desteni material, was my place in the system and how that system functions and operates. All I knew was that I hated everything that had authority written over it. Authority was my red flag. I would permanently question it, scramble it, be in it's way, spite it, be angry with it, test it, provoke it or feel victimized by it. I also saw that the system was real. I have always had that feeling of 'not being alone'. What I did not realize was that it was not god or some deity but my physical body that was always there. All that time I did not realize how I was fucking myself out of the system and into oblivion.

So there is the 'adrenaline junkie' character and it's behavior that created an experience of success within and as that character. There is the realization that I did not perceive myself to be successful in school, relationships and social behavior in general. Within that I see that every response/reaction I ever had created another character. Within this construct characters of success where created so characters of failure had to come into existence as well. I see realize and understand that within all my actions I created this polarity. If I create success I create failure as well. Some sweetness has to be added to compensate the bitterness. And within that polarity I generate heaps of energy, amongst others as the Adrenaline Junkie. Within that I see that it starts with slowing down and stopping creation and allow myself to be here!

I didn't create characters of success within and as a 'normal' boyfriend, classmate, guy next door etc.. because I already had those relationship experiences within my sport hence my body so what's the use? Whatever it was It had to be something 'special' and 'exclusive' at least as good as the 'adrenaline' experience. Nothing can do that except 'sex' hence… Within that I realize that I reacted to my reality reentering = reenacting, creating, acts as a chain of events that where all characters that ended up in relationships based on sex or at least a strong 'physical component'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect sex to my character of the adrenaline junkie thus introducing/infusing the junkie as a character within and as my sexual expression as well

Eventually it all leads back to the first character, my first ever response to failure or being unsuccessful. The whole thing looks like a snowball made of characters that failed rolling back in time getting bigger and bigger.

So why did I not feel comfortable within groups? Why did I consider myself to be unsuccessful socially? I met women who where girls from my past who told me they where madly in love with me back then and I couldn't believe my ears. I always thought that girls considered me to be a total freak back then. Within that I see that I must have had a very distorted view on my environment and girls in particular. So why where other kids more adaptable to the structure and why do I judge myself as a junkie within the point of wanting to escape reality? Where is my reality check?

Apparently I did not develop characters that functioned well within 'normal' social groups. Groups that need characters able to compromise, adept and process information within the script. No place for improv. Within that I see that I have always typecasted myself. I accepted, allowed and wanted to develop outlaw characters because outlaws are loners. I thought that I had to become completely independent.

Outlaws don't live happy lives. Outlaws are on the run with a trusty steed, a bag of one–liners and a gun to do the talking. They have sex but no attachments. They enjoy the good times in their own time. They live of the land and see the hand of 'god' in a grain of sand. They are homophobic but love their brothers in arms to death. Rough around the edges but romantics. They die for a higher cause not knowing what that is exactly. It makes no sense to them to have a family. Outlaws sacrifice everything to be 'free', whatever that is. They are the solitary samurai. Himalayan Yogis freezing their buts of. etc etc. Those kind of characters are my kind of characters. The ones 'I'-dentified with. They occupy me. Total character endorsement became my mind fuck. Who's typing here?

So within that I can see the point. I did not allow myself to become a successful character in a successful group/pact/act because I had created a herd of characters that spited success and within that my herd was exclusive special and unique. We were more than all that. The 'I am unique' character. What I did not see was that to become successful in a certain space and time is related to adaptability to group dynamics and culture, cult–us. The ability to read the scriptures and adept to the script as all the acts? I did the opposite (a lot).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become an adrenaline junkie

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become competitive and within that enjoy the sweet taste of success as the winner at the cost of the loser feeling depressed, seeing realizing and understanding that by becoming competitive I create the construct of winners and losers as the this system of haves and have nots thus keeping the system in place within that seeing realizing and understanding that if I don't change my physical actions towards actions that are in the best interest of all no thing will change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect confidence and power to being successful and competitive and within that allowing myself to connect enjoyment to being successful and competitive thus creating a construct of addiction to adrenaline within and as competition and success as the only way to enjoy/express myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to the experience of 'joy' within and as the effects of adrenaline and it's family of endorphins as the painkillers of my life as my religion within that realizing that adrenaline became the only substance I relied-on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think pain is nothing more than a electric warning signal within and as the nervous system not seeing realizing and understanding that pain has multiple dimensions within and as the physical body

I commit myself to investigate pain in all it's manifestations and find ways to dissolve pain as I walk this process 'of pain' seeing realizing and understanding that if I understand pain I can help myself dissolve it and if

I can do it others will to within that I commit myself to investigate into the nitty gritty why and how I allowed pain 'as my mind' to take control and enslave my physical body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the 'no pain no gain' family mantra the story of my life not seeing realizing and understanding that that created a chain of events where I physically harmed myself repeatedly and within that I did allow myself to hurt myself and others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project the 'no pain no gain' mantra unto my own child seeing realizing and understanding that I did this without a clear perspective on the point thus programming the same construct into my own child thus instead of removing it, reinstalling it, keeping it allive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify, copy and use other characters of extreme sport performers in order to create the same energetic reactions so I could feel charged and thus become even more addicted within the process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect confidence to a strong body and fitness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the formula of success is universal and can thus be applied universally and within that I see realize and understand that by not gifting myself the physical action of this universal formula within all aspects of my life became actually self sabotage within and as minimal progression within the point of success within and as the system as financial success.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to generate resistance towards education and theoretical studies in general accepting and allowing myself to think/believe I was not good and only had creative and physical talents and within that feed the character as the adrenaline Junkie creating energy, the food to feed the flames within and as the addiction to adrenaline

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/think/believe my life has to be fun every time all the time and within that allowed myself to go into the negative as the addiction to energy/adrenaline the moment things do not go 'my way'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry with my parents because they did not confront me within and as the adrenaline junkie offering support and showing me as the child what it was I was doing not seeing realizing and understanding that they were just as brainwashed as I am within this point thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take self responsibility within this point of becoming addicted to adrenaline

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see realize and understand what it means to be successful and within that to apply the power of self discipline as self corrective action and application because success also means succeeding and within that I see realize and understand that in order to be successful I have to succeed first.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the polarity of success and failure and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect success to money and power and failure to being poor and helpless, seeing realizing and understanding that within this I can only create more friction as I move between and create more polarities

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I cannot be successful and at the same time operate outside the system because the system is who I am within and as the system based on energy as profit and loss thus to know the system and operate within and according to the system changing it from the inside is the only way 'I' can become successful within and as the system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am more or could be more than the system seeing realizing and understanding that who I am is of the mind within and as the system and within this I realize that when and as I play a character I'm of the system instead of self directive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to come to the conclusion that I would have to do it alone and instead of doing it alone went into the polarity of becoming completely dependent on other people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that no matter how crazy I was the world would always be more crazy and within that did not allow myself to ever consider something outside of myself would be able to show me otherwise which proved to be untrue because when I started reading the Desteni material it became absolutely clear to me what I have accepted and allowed myself to become and the only way to get to the bottom of myself is starting to forgive myself and deprogram the program I have created by applying myself within this world within and as the physical self corrections I give myself

Day-012-I do perceive here a divided duty. Othello. ACT I Scene 3

The moment I finish my coffee I see the character that is my private self take a deep breath and leave the house to enter the world stage. Often that deep breath is my private character (the one I'm most comfortable with) realizing it has a few hours ahead to play as another character. And so my days are filled with acting out scripts that my mind as the director presents me with. I realize there is no self direction what so ever. Every scene I play is coming from the main character I call me. Where I hear myself say sorry that's typically me or I'm sorry that's how I am. Moments of total integration with the main character. A being in character.

In acting school they have a name for it called method acting. Becoming the character. What does that make me before I go into character, before another character? Where does it end? Is there a me or is it simply my mind presenting me with countless scripts and storyboards to choose from on a stage where I interact with billions of other actors?

From where or what do I go into character? If I'm not in character then what am I and where am I? It's a very cool point to look at because looking out into my world I see only projections of the characters I'm creating as reactions. My days are like a chain of improvisational sketches with the occasional passages I did memorize as I play 'the professional'. Within this I realize that growing up is ACTually going to acting school and working was the first serious role I played. I play the role of the father, lover, devil, demon, looser, etc. Played them all. My whole life is one big role playing game without ever realizing I was doing it. Totally forgot/suppressed what it is like to experience being here as breath without a script. What it is like to not re-act but to take action. The simplicity of walking by placing one foot after the other.

Isn't it completely absurd to look around and see that I'm only fucking acting out without ever realizing that this is not life. That I'm busy playing out predetermined scripts. I created so many characters I lost count a long the way and now I'm lost in wonderland talking to a rabbit.

I find myself lying on the couch as this lost character talking to a another character that plays the shrink. It's about time I start asking myself if all this acting I do is actually bringing forth something that is best for all? Can I ask myself? because that's like asking the director to give me another role to play.

Where do I start? How do I get to that point where I stop writing characters from the same alphabet to create scripts that have already been played by my other act-ore's a billion times? When do I act accordingly? Do I realize that nothing I do is act-u-all original in anyway? This realization for example is coming from me the character playing the observer. There is no realness here, I'm pixelated, recorded, projected and lost in the script presented by the internet at this very moment.


"I have to stop my thoughts" - character - it's a character because "I HAVE to stop MY thoughts" - then there's an I and a My and a "have to" - in this character, does one then ever really stop thoughts? The difference between character and Here, is a doing/living action in the moment, so whenever there is a statement instead of immediate application: you're creating a character" -


Sunette Spies


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge all and everything as real not seeing realizing and understanding that all I see is characters forming words that make up the scripts that define the actors that live up and play to generate the pixels of reality where I'am lost within the play as the characters I play with.

I commit myself to observe myself as the characters I play in order to identify my ACTions to stop acting and become real as breath to remain here as breath and forgive myself for the creation of characters that cause physical harm as my projections of and as reality.

Links:
Breaking Character by Jozien Fokkert
Here

Personality suits by Heath Ledger
Part 1
Part 2

My life as a character by Maya Harel
Here

Stepping out of Character by Bernard Poolman
Here

Day-010-Who am I within the word 'intelligent'

What is intelligent? Does intelligence make me better, more valuable, more interesting? Does intelligence bring me down do earth? Does intelligence influence my behavior? Is intelligence a religion. Does it bring me closer to the truth? When am I dumb or intelligent? When I accumulate lots of 'bits' of knowledge and information does that make me intelligent? Can I hide behind the pretence this world is to complex for me to understand so I can remain separated and let separation exist?

intelligent |inˈtelijənt|
adjective
having or showing intelligence, esp. of a high level: Annabelle is intelligent and hardworking 
| an intelligent guess.


• (of a device, machine, or building) able to vary its state or action in response to varying situations, varying requirements, and past experience.


• (esp. of a computer terminal) incorporating a microprocessor and having its own processing capability. Often contrasted with dumb.


DERIVATIVES
intelligently adverb


ORIGIN 
early 16th cent.: from Latin intelligent- ‘understanding,’ from the verb intelligere, variant of intellegere ‘understand,’ from inter ‘between’ + legere ‘choose.’

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to ask the question, who am I within the word intelligence?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word intelligent as positive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word dumb as negative

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my (artificial) intelligence as the automaton as the mind to calculate solely to manipulate the world around me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I can use my intellect as the ability to write myself out in order to reflect upon my words as the expression of who I am within the word intelligent and allow myself to see common sense points within my reality where I misguide and manipulate myself through knowledge and information as intelligence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become impressed, humbled, jealous and possessed hearing people speak with 'intelligence' and intelligent 'vocabulary' assuming that because people speak with authority they have authority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the word intelligent as good

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the word dumb as bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spite the word intelligent within and as the aspect of being successful in this world, not seeing, realizing and understanding that projecting the word intelligence as spitefulness towards success meant separating myself from success

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect making money and becoming rich and independent to intelligence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see intelligence within others as a threat and within that allowed myself to react energetically within and as fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as dumb because I accepted and allowed myself to believe intelligence has something to do with being smart or having 'special' abilities, seeing realizing and understanding that within the system passing tests is about giving the right answers and showing desirable behavior not about understanding and doing what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to loose myself within the energetic charge of playing mind games with so called intelligent beings within the elitist point of feeling superior within a group, seeing realizing and understanding that this very act is separating myself from all as an elitist as knowledge and information as intelligence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within intelligence as strategic information used in order to win personal wars instead of using common sense within and as intelligence to see, realize and understand what I have to do and when to do it to get things done within the best interest of all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to from a standpoint of superiority classify myself as an intelligent and complex person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word intelligent to complexity allowing myself to develop a pattern of always making things unnecessary complex and blurry thus wasting time and not giving myself the opportunity/chance to see and thus act within and as common sense.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to classify myself as a complex person because others classified me as complex thus allowing myself to exist within and as the complex person thus allowing myself to judge others as simple.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe complexity exists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live intelligence as gathering information creating a self defined user manual within my mind to deal with existence not seeing, realizing and understanding that existence as a whole is a pre programmed system based on the same knowledge and information available as lived by the ones before me and within that I realize that knowledge and information is the veil of reality as the mind that I have used in order to not have to face the reality of me as the very creator of such knowledge and information as 'intellect' to make myself be 'more' than the reality that is here, as myself, as the physical. Thus I commit myself to write out who I am as knowledge and information so that I ensure that I go self-forgiving the relationships formed with knowledge and information as 'who I am' and establish myself as the directive principle in every moment, instead of acting out of past patterns of knowledge and information that do not represent who I am here as the moment of breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that I'm limited in awareness as knowledge and information and thus have to question everything that comes up in my mind as intelligence and test this within the equation of equality in order to make sure my thoughts become aligned with what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that intelligence like any other 'program' has no value in itself other than computational power and that it is up to me the user of the computer to determine how to use that 'power'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have valued knowledge and information more than my physical health thus accepting and allowing myself to drain my flesh of the life there is as me as flesh

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within communication use intelligence as knowledge and information to manipulate other beings into a state of confusion by getting under their skin

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within intellectual masturbation/entertainment producing strings of knowledge and information not realizing that what I'm doing is without any substance or practical application within this physical reality thus a complete waste of time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that intelligent means 'to understand' and that within the context of understanding I never understood who 'I' was within 'who I am' as knowledge and information and within that I see realize and understand that there is nothing original within my expression as knowledge and information.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be/become more like other people as knowledge and information not seeing realizing and understanding that 'intelligence' at this points becomes competition as 'manipulation' instead of 'understanding' because if I understand I will see that intelligence means to understand and act within the best interest of all.

I commit myself to use my intellect to expose myself as what I have accepted and allowed to become as intelligence as the mind as my personality and behavior