Day-010-Who am I within the word 'intelligent'

What is intelligent? Does intelligence make me better, more valuable, more interesting? Does intelligence bring me down do earth? Does intelligence influence my behavior? Is intelligence a religion. Does it bring me closer to the truth? When am I dumb or intelligent? When I accumulate lots of 'bits' of knowledge and information does that make me intelligent? Can I hide behind the pretence this world is to complex for me to understand so I can remain separated and let separation exist?

intelligent |inˈtelijənt|
adjective
having or showing intelligence, esp. of a high level: Annabelle is intelligent and hardworking 
| an intelligent guess.


• (of a device, machine, or building) able to vary its state or action in response to varying situations, varying requirements, and past experience.


• (esp. of a computer terminal) incorporating a microprocessor and having its own processing capability. Often contrasted with dumb.


DERIVATIVES
intelligently adverb


ORIGIN 
early 16th cent.: from Latin intelligent- ‘understanding,’ from the verb intelligere, variant of intellegere ‘understand,’ from inter ‘between’ + legere ‘choose.’

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to ask the question, who am I within the word intelligence?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word intelligent as positive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word dumb as negative

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my (artificial) intelligence as the automaton as the mind to calculate solely to manipulate the world around me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I can use my intellect as the ability to write myself out in order to reflect upon my words as the expression of who I am within the word intelligent and allow myself to see common sense points within my reality where I misguide and manipulate myself through knowledge and information as intelligence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become impressed, humbled, jealous and possessed hearing people speak with 'intelligence' and intelligent 'vocabulary' assuming that because people speak with authority they have authority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the word intelligent as good

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the word dumb as bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spite the word intelligent within and as the aspect of being successful in this world, not seeing, realizing and understanding that projecting the word intelligence as spitefulness towards success meant separating myself from success

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect making money and becoming rich and independent to intelligence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see intelligence within others as a threat and within that allowed myself to react energetically within and as fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as dumb because I accepted and allowed myself to believe intelligence has something to do with being smart or having 'special' abilities, seeing realizing and understanding that within the system passing tests is about giving the right answers and showing desirable behavior not about understanding and doing what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to loose myself within the energetic charge of playing mind games with so called intelligent beings within the elitist point of feeling superior within a group, seeing realizing and understanding that this very act is separating myself from all as an elitist as knowledge and information as intelligence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within intelligence as strategic information used in order to win personal wars instead of using common sense within and as intelligence to see, realize and understand what I have to do and when to do it to get things done within the best interest of all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to from a standpoint of superiority classify myself as an intelligent and complex person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word intelligent to complexity allowing myself to develop a pattern of always making things unnecessary complex and blurry thus wasting time and not giving myself the opportunity/chance to see and thus act within and as common sense.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to classify myself as a complex person because others classified me as complex thus allowing myself to exist within and as the complex person thus allowing myself to judge others as simple.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe complexity exists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live intelligence as gathering information creating a self defined user manual within my mind to deal with existence not seeing, realizing and understanding that existence as a whole is a pre programmed system based on the same knowledge and information available as lived by the ones before me and within that I realize that knowledge and information is the veil of reality as the mind that I have used in order to not have to face the reality of me as the very creator of such knowledge and information as 'intellect' to make myself be 'more' than the reality that is here, as myself, as the physical. Thus I commit myself to write out who I am as knowledge and information so that I ensure that I go self-forgiving the relationships formed with knowledge and information as 'who I am' and establish myself as the directive principle in every moment, instead of acting out of past patterns of knowledge and information that do not represent who I am here as the moment of breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that I'm limited in awareness as knowledge and information and thus have to question everything that comes up in my mind as intelligence and test this within the equation of equality in order to make sure my thoughts become aligned with what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that intelligence like any other 'program' has no value in itself other than computational power and that it is up to me the user of the computer to determine how to use that 'power'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have valued knowledge and information more than my physical health thus accepting and allowing myself to drain my flesh of the life there is as me as flesh

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within communication use intelligence as knowledge and information to manipulate other beings into a state of confusion by getting under their skin

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within intellectual masturbation/entertainment producing strings of knowledge and information not realizing that what I'm doing is without any substance or practical application within this physical reality thus a complete waste of time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that intelligent means 'to understand' and that within the context of understanding I never understood who 'I' was within 'who I am' as knowledge and information and within that I see realize and understand that there is nothing original within my expression as knowledge and information.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be/become more like other people as knowledge and information not seeing realizing and understanding that 'intelligence' at this points becomes competition as 'manipulation' instead of 'understanding' because if I understand I will see that intelligence means to understand and act within the best interest of all.

I commit myself to use my intellect to expose myself as what I have accepted and allowed to become as intelligence as the mind as my personality and behavior

How I was Able to Hear the Desteni Message?

12 21 12, 2012, 21 december 12, dec 12 2012, december 12 2011, december 12 doomsday, december 21 2012.

You sharpen the human appetite to the point where it can split atoms with its desire; you build egos the size of cathedrals; fiber-optically connect the world to every eager impulse; grease even the dullest dreams with these dollar-green, gold-plated fantasies, until every human becomes an aspiring emperor, becomes his own God… and where can you go from there? 

"Al Pacino in the Devils Advocate"

I used to believe monsters where hiding under my bed (they actually did). I believed my father was the smartest man in the world and my mother the sweetest mom. I believed I could run as fast as the six million dollar man and that my sword fights were as impressive as those of Rutger Hauer. I believed I could climb like a monkey. Those kind of things I checked out for myself. I would discover quickly if what I believed was true or false simply by going trough the experience.

Learning and getting educated is how I learned to make believe. Getting to know the way things work in the world not why. Learning the basics of the system and getting my brains washed like the religious rituals I had to participate within as a child. I prayed the holy father a lot of times not knowing what the hell I was saying. School started the big load down. The 'god' seed was planted early and I was on my way in the garden of eden.

At some point I gave up. The statement could have been like this. I will bow and accept your world. I will believe what you tell me and try to do as you say. I will go down your road of believes and perceptions. I will climb your tree of knowledge and information. I will not resist the fact you institutionalize me. I will go to your schools. I will form relationships as seen on TV. I will eat sleep and work the way you do to the best of my abilities. I will try my best to play along the personality games. I will forget who I was, were I came from and I will try not ask too many questions. I will probably reproduce and teach my children to do the same. Now leave me alone and let me suppress myself.

I believed in god, Jezus, 'my homeboys', punk, anarchy, violence, deception, manipulation, girls, sex, drugs, sport, addictions, friendship, good, bad, positive, negative, prophets, avatars, light, energy, holographic universes, new age, old school, quantum mechanics, love, spirituality, ascension, meditation, yoga, mystery schools, sufism, veda's, budism, theosophy, etc. etc. I did a fair share of searching for truth and did not avoid certain experiences if you know what I mean. It's a long story.

'How I was Able to Hear the Desteni Message?' It implies that one cannot hear the message. You have to be 'Able' first before you can hear. Interesting. Sounds almost religious doesn't it? How I was Abel and Cain was not. I have been searching for so called 'truth' all my life. I wanted to understand God, this world, myself, my parents, friends, humanity. My place in the universe. There had to be a code or a message fore nothing made sense except chaos. I had to believe in a A God because it gave me something abstract outside myself. Something bigger than me. I 'fell' in love with al my knowledge and I started to build a hell of an ego to manage all that self-love that was so abundantly flowing from within me. 

I used to be convinced there where great 'mystical' powers working for me in the realms of this world. I was spiritual, physical, healthy, sporty and one 'fine' day I had this out of body, kundalini, whatever the fuck you want to call it experience where reality sort of expanded into this timeless holographic white light. I was without form or sense of time. Oh It was so 'life changing and overwhelming'. Beyond words and al that other bullshit definitions that come out when I become possessed and cannot voice myself. 

Interesting I said, "I Wanted to understand God" which implies I didn't. I apparently allowed myself to switch believes from one moment to the next without taking any 'self'-responsibility for it? And we all do this. We all walk this earth projecting bullshit at each other thus making the world a projection of ourselves as that ever changing bullshit we are as our minds. Reality has become a self created concept of chaos and destruction and I kept on blaming others for it. Humanity has become brand names, brand value, loyalty and believe-systems. An infinite loop of advertisements for limitations we accept as our reality. I know one or two things about advertising and I can tell you "reality is worse than you think". What makes me hear the Desteni message? Seeing myself as part of reality is one of the points.

This reality is All Dollah. Allāhu akbar. God is great from the moment time began and our innocent ego's started battling for supremacy. You don't have to be 'intelligent' or 'enlightened' to see this shit. Just look around? It's written in history as our children are taught. It's programmed into every molecule we genetically alter. Unfortunately or in other words us, another fortune later. Truth stares us in the face all the time. 

Someone asked me to take that honest look. Who is God in this world? What creates this world? So I looked from all perspectives and all the viewpoints showed me money. So yeah well eh, money does! Since time began the only thing we do is battle for more. And if money rules the world instead of God  then where is God? And if god is not here then what the fuck happened in heaven? Time to find some answers.

I started investigating Desteni. That's what I did. Try to find the flaws. Assume the worst. It's a cult. A bunch of brilliant freaks. They are on the internet so if anything, they will be exposed. However the more I investigated the more I was blown away by the rawness and honesty I faced. Real People, real names sharing themselves, exposing their secret mind shit openly for all to see and learn. Never in my whole life did I encounter this overwhelming raw honesty as it was shared amongst Destonians. It was confronting and almost scary. I was blown away. This was historic. Why doesn't the whole world now about this? Where was the media? Like I said; reality is worse than we think. Loosing all religion made me feel rather exposed. Naked as you will. Loosing all self definition is not a comfy happening. My realizations where mindblowing. I was able to Hear the Desteni Message because I saw that there is one 'simple' principle that rules them 'all'. 

- 1 principle beyond, separation, beyond religion, science and money

- 1 principle to base all our thoughts on

- 1 principle to base all our actions on 

- 1 principle without exclusivity, without ego

- 1 principle that includes all and thus = best for all

- 1 principle as the solution to the cause of our problem which is separation

- 1 principle that forces one to be self honest and take self responsibility 

As al the 'prophets said "Love thy neighbor". The principle of Equality stands as the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth so fuck me god. This principle made me hear the Destine message. None are free until all are free. How can I accept anything else?

How can I accept myself within separation within believes, religion. My relyons. Seeing that the principle of equality implies 'all' is hard to grasp at times. It's also simple. Creation=All=Equal or nobody is. It implies a lot because it implies all of us. Total transformation. The system has a word to counteract the fact you might realize we as humanity have an option. That word is 'utopia'. The amount of hate that is projected towards Desteni is fascinating and proves beyond doubt that there is something happening. People react very strangely to the truth. I said it before, reality is worse than your nightmares. 

I'm walking with Desteni for about 2 years now. Having applied the tools I have for instance been able to stop addictions like weed and smoking. I have seen myself existing as thoughts emotions and feelings unable to control myself at the same time realizing it's not me. I'm not these thoughts emotions and feelings. I got myself out of a seriously deep depression without consulting a doctor or therapist. I was only using the tools Desteni presents. I pushed myself more than I can ever remember doing. I got a very refreshing look into the world of relationships and sex. I'm becoming more and more aware of my ego as the mind trying to tear me apart. Never silent always on as this is a process within every breath.

I continue to walk and fall. To stand up again and slowly discover who I really am as Life. I script myself and push myself to walk myself into a human being that will honor Life as the physical. Here in every moment asking myself time and time again. Am I here?

The world will wake up to the Desteni message, It's not how it's when. Destonians show the effectiveness of the tools that are shared and researched within thousands of blogs and vlogs. No pseudo's, all under real names for you to read and investigate because we don't want to lose the precious time we have. We all go or no go...

Desteni is the real deal but don’t believe a word I'm saying! Investigate for yourself. I dare you to ask the questions you never dared to ask. See fore yourself that love is not all that matters but all matter or love does not exist!

The deadliest bullet ever made

12 21 12, 2012, 21 december 12, dec 12 2012, deceber 12 2011, december 12 doomsday, december 21 2012.

I came across this picture and it stopped me in my tracks. What a fascinating picture it is. Who is that rich man? Does he have a name? How did he get rich? Why is he fighting a war? What are his mission objectives? Who is he paying? What party’s are involved and do they have rules of engagement? Is it a dirty war? A clean war? What’s in it for him? Does it fucking matter?

If I where a rich man?
Men that experienced the horrors of war realising that they where killing for money. A demonstration and a claim that says “we won't fight a another rich man’s war”. Which means they already did. So there you go. It’s already done. You killed in order not to be killed for money. Why not refuse before you go and kill for money? Be it in the name of God, country, turf or home. What makes people kill other people for money? Money apparently! So is it the rich man or his money?

There have been demonstrations fore/or against every thinkable subject. Did something change? And if something changed was it best for all? After the war, did some group get special benefits at the cost of other groups giving them a reason to go demonstrate? It’s like a never ending chain of events that creates reasons to demonstrate and go to war. It’s painfully pathetic and it’s us!

Serving the God of war
We are created in the image and likeness of God. We are the creators. Why didn’t we create peace I ask? What’s going on here? Or is God perhaps that rich man? If we are created in the image and likeness of him than he sure loves making money and killing a few innocent in the process. If there is one demonstration that shows us who we are it’s the demonstration of war. It’s seems to be the only thing we really know how to do well. Fighting wars seems to be the only thing we all love to do. Cowboys and indians. Bang-Bang.. You're dead.

Do you know what powers rule this world? Do you know what really fuels the acts of war? Have you ever asked yourself those questions before you wrote a claim and walked up to the White House and occupied the boardwalk. Making claims in front of the media. It's exactly what they want. Ha, the media... They love a 'good' war don’t they...

Brothers in arms
This is an interesting photo in more ways than one. It shows me the absolute state of stupidity in which we as the human race exist at the moment. How much do I have to pay you to stand up for a world where we are all equal? If I’m not in it to win it than fuck it. Really want to know what fuels the wars in this world? Do you really? It’s about Private wars. It’s about you and me. It’s love thy neighbour as thy self. Do we? War exists because we allow it to exist. All of us. It’s the concept of winning. To profit at the cost of others. It’s me being more than you. My people instead of all people. It’s Ego.

Private war
It’s my Ego and his private war that fuel the global ones. Me and you both fighting for survival instead of standing up as one and equal. No, we rather meet somewhere in the world as competitors on the battlefield. See how stupid it is. Occupy my street, wall street, whatever street. Absolute nonsense. As long as money isn’t equal, you and me are not equal and there will be war. Lot’s of wars, big ones, small ones until we realise who we have become. Is that the way I wanna go? Shot by a bullet for profit or standing as what’s best for all?

The solution
So It’s you and me that decide what is going to happen. It’s us that have to stand up and stick to a principle in order to become living examples that show there is another way. I change in order to be change. A real demonstration is a demonstration of personal change as who I am standing up as change within a world that has to change. I dare you to ask questions. I dare you to look at Equal Money. It will make you pee your pans.

Do we go to war and rape each-other or are we going to give in order to receive?

http://equalmoney.org/

So far so...

Writing about experiences
It has been about a year since I found myself reading the first lines on the Desteni website. After about six months I started writing about myself in what was at that moment a ‘closed’ blog. It was a test to see what would happen if I started writing about my daily life from the perspective of an observer. Exposing my secret mind. Listening to those silent voices that never seem to shut up and are always there to influence everything I do. An observer that would remain neutral and without judgement.

The 'power' of thought
I was in for a lot of surprises. First of all was the shock of thoughts. Typing words is one thing but writing about my own experience and actually not knowing what they represent created sort of a vortex that made writing increasingly difficult. The thing is that I had to describe how I felt as myself going trough the process of stopping my mind. The same mind that produces the words that I’m typing. The more I wrote the more questions about myself arose. I was confronted with shocks, fears and huge depressions. I mean let’s be self honest here. Finally seeing the fact that this world is not created equal because I’m the one creating it is something different. Speak to your family or your friends and they all agree. Yes, it’s a fuck up. The world is not fair. But we all forget to remember who we are in this equation and ‘fair’ simply doesn’t exist. It’s a concept a word. It’s not lived so it’s never real. If we remain of thoughts if that’s who we are than we are thinking it up. It’s a dream, it’s in our heads. Reality should be ‘out there’ so I have to be ‘out there’.

Taking it in
We are the ‘it’, god, ‘we’ are the creators of this world. This means including me! Now who want’s to admit anything of this size to him or herself let alone take responsibility for it? No one does including me. The world seems too big to fit in my head and every time I tried to push myself through the huge resistance I just went into denial. This morality thing totally fucked me up. OK, admitting it is one thing but convincing my own ego to take a step back and shut the fuck up is something else. Nearly everything that happens to me in daily life is accompanied by justification, judgement, guild and especially morality.

Becoming aware
The moment I realized that it was me and only me who is responsible for what happens in my life and therefore in the world was the worst experience in my life. I created an ego that defined me in this world. Everything I did and all the consequences that followed. It was all me. Every time I pondered about my mind I had to keep re-minding myself that the thing that was pondering was the same mind I had to stop. I had sleepless night’s where I would be in bed just staring at the sealing watching this ongoing stream of thoughts, images and emotions that came with them. The only word I had for it was ‘lunacy’.

The Desteni ‘I’ Process
Over the last year I became aware of a lot of things but the most important one was that ‘this process’ cannot be walked alone. It only works when it is shared. You need a platform and people that operate from the same starting point. This starting point is principle based. One and equal. No room for argument or abuse that is ego based. Now this principle was quite clear to me. It was also a wake up call for my ego that had to spring into action like never before trying to convince me I was about to commit social suicide. This was when I decided too share my writings by going public with this blog. Next thing was my Facebook page. The moment I started posting Desteni stuff I noticed that responses dropped significantly. Somehow my facebookfriends didn’t seem interested or didn’t want to be associated with the messages that where posted. In order to get myself going I decided to start the Desteni Inroduction Course now called the Desteni ‘I’ Process. I was very reluctant because of my difficulties with the English and Desteni language. I had and still have difficulties getting trough the words. I had a lot of trouble getting trough the assignments up till now. Partly because I didn’t asked for support. I felt almost guilty to do so. When I finally did it was OK though.


Changes
I was shocked several times by the forces that where present inside my body. Forces I never imagined. After a year in this process things are slowly but surely starting to change. There was and still is a lot of resistance. The mind doesn’t want to give up. It’s programmed not to do so. The moment I started to stop and look at my thoughts my mind went bananas. Stopping and breathing had an immediate and very unpleasant effect on my body. It often feels like my body is being torn into pieces. I addressed this with homeopathy and Kinesiology and I’m starting to feel the effects. I’m more stable and there is less anxiety. This also has to do with the fact that I have a little time on my hands at the moment. But that will change soon because of the fact that one cannot live without money. Money means time and that is something I would like too have more of. It takes a lot of time. Yes, the only thing I can do is to stop and just breath. I’m absolutely in awe about my experiences with breathing. I’m starting to see the simplicity of the process. Just grind it. Stick to the principle. Stop-hold tight, hold still-breath as long as it takes. It fucking works. OK it’s not without a ‘bit’ of physical discomfort but what’s there to loose? Interesting question. If you are reading this and If you have ever asked yourself what the purpose of you being here is... Well the only humble word of advice I would give you is to start writing like I did. Because you are not what you ‘think’ you are.

Little earthquakes

Focus on the primaries 
Last week my Aging Powerbook G4 finally said goodbye as I was watching a DVD with my daughter. No drama, it was like a short last breath and after 6 faithful years the little white light dimmed not to shine again. Rather good for a laptop I must say. This confronted me with a bit of a problem because I’m behind on my assignments, watching videos, reading blogs. I also got an invitation to join the PF which confronted me with the fact that I'm not as 'digital' as I thought I was. I get kind a lost in all the protocols and information. I'm managing much 'better' than before though and I think it has a lot to do with stopping weed completely.

The road ahead
Looking at the things I needed to do it kind of overwhelmed me. The cost-raise for the DIP coarse confronted me with some anxiety as well. This point pushes me to either get a ‘good’ steady job or sponsorship. After sleeping over this thing for about two nights I decided to get a new laptop. It wil shorten the time I have to get things done from 4 to 3 months and I need a laptop anyway. Regarding the Desteni material, it will allow me to watch and read a lot of stuff in bed so I don’t have to be on this chair the whole day (and sometimes night).

Practise, practise...
Time management is not second nature to me so in this point I’m now becoming aware that it’s not a question of speeding up and become scattered all over the place but to slow down, share myself and be here in every single breath. There is simply so much I can do. So for the moment The list is as follows:

- Getting my assignments in on time
- Getting steady and consistent with my daily writing
- Getting steady and consistent with blogging
- Getting steady and consistent with Self-forgiveness
- Getting familiar with vlogging
- Posting everything in the required places
- Getting familiar with the online spaces I have to be in
- Getting familiar with new software and a new way of working
- Identifying and Removing all the time-consuming ‘bullshit’ from daily live
- Catch up on the latest videos I missed from Bernard
- Do more blog readings
- Do the daily shit and get the fucking ‘moneypoint’ in place.

Substantial results come with substantial action
The Desteni train is moving and I am moving to, which is awesome. But one way ore another I have to slow down and be patient without falling of the train. Its called a process and as J said: “only the mind knows of quick fixes” and I will NOT allow this to fuck with me because in this reality to establish change will take TIME. So I’m getting organized, I will breath and I will walk until it stands.

It's not my fault...

07 03 2011

Resistance

Over the last week I noticed a build up of resistance. The changes I’m going trough and the insights I’m getting are not ‘happy and joyful’ ones. So like a little spoiled child I go into resistance. I crawl under a blanket avoiding the ‘bad and ugly monsters’. The difference being that there is no parent that corrects or confronts me and that the monsters are created by myself. There is only me ‘as the parent’. So I create a lot of friction because I’m in a permanent state of polarity. Judging away at myself and at the same time realising that this is not the way to go. I lock up instead of applying myself immediately in those moments. To stop and breath. One particular point is important though. Taking a brake is not a ‘bad’ thing It’s taking an effective brake that’s the point here (I think).

A freaked out squirrel

There is this design job I’m working on. I started a weekend ago and I presented the first Ideas to the client on Tuesday last week. I was convinced it was good and I would get the ‘go ahead’ for working out the ideas. This was not the case. And although I realized nothing bad happened, my fears and ego got in the way big time. Also finishing the last DIP assignment was laying on the table downstairs. I locked into this pattern of being nerved and anxious. I have to perform, be disciplined, keep working. Go, go, go. It’s not a pattern actually. I think it’s part of the personality I created over the years. Hyped up. Never here. The expression would be a stressed out nut gathering squirrel on a branch looking for another tree that’s just too far away. He jumps, hits a few branches and lands on the Forrest floor (loosing his nuts in the process). He’s now on the same Forrest floor he should have used in the first place to get to the other tree. Now he climbs into the same tree again and repeats himself. I don’t want to judge myself to hard here but this is one stupid squirrel.

Hello personality

Wanting to be good and professional. Trying way too hard to be good and when the first obstacle presents itself the drama-queen stands up. A nervous, hyped up and insecure little kid that doesn’t now what to do or go about the simple things in front of him. I hysterical give into all the points my mind presents. And all that is presented are points of resistance and distraction that don’t support me whatsoever. Running away as far as I can from the confrontation.

Sidetracks

It’s the real shit here. What does it really mean to stop? To stop and take responsibilty for me and do what’s best for me, what’s best for all. Flight patterns that’s what they are. Instead of taking a real brake and just stop, go outside and walk for an hour (to the next tree). I find myself on the internet looking at horrific war imagery from Iraq and Afghanistan. Downloading a movie so I have something to watch in bed under the cover of ‘taking a brake’. Next thing I notice, it’s way too late and I’ve allowed myself to be sidetracked for a ridiculous amount of time. At the same time I’m permanently aware of myself doing this. There was this little voice saying ‘Mike come on, stop’. Mike you know what you are doing, stop’. I didn’t. Like a junkie I just kept on avoiding the things I had to address. The longer this lasted the bigger became the friction. The bigger the friction the more energy was generated. I locked inn, got possessed and eventually I was not productive at all.

Looping

What does this tell me. First of all. I must be more aware of the highs and lows. The way I charge myself with energy. It’s a fucker and it fucks me every time. It’s part of the personality I created and it has to come down. This has to be dissolved. So I must again remind myself and bring into action the ‘stopping’. What does stopping and slowing down practically mean to me? This I have to bring into the physical. Practically apply myself here. If not, I will be writing the same shit down again next week.

Keep it simple stupid

It’s too simple to believe actually. Maybe that’s why I cant do it. It’s a believe system I simply have to drop. Nothing is simple, can’t be. So now stress out Mike because it’s ‘hopeless’, I’m hopeless, I’m to stupid to understand. Run Forrest, run. So I run. I run onto the internet, I run into pictures, thoughts and emotions that have nothing to do with me or the thing standing in front of me. It’s a lie I believe in. Believes based on inferiority and fear of losing. It’s my superego versus that scary kid that isn’t allowed to speak about his fears and getting the support he needs. I’m starting to look at what I accepted and have allowed myself to become as the mind. A few months ago I would have been on the couch smoking my weed and go adios bad world. So these things slapping me in the face shouldn’t be a surprise actually.

Stand and deliver

I charged myself way to much last week and forgot to just stop, take a step back and look at myself from a different perspective. Instead I got consumed by taking on one thing after the other thinking that’s the productive way to go. A false sense of pushing. Look I’m pushing. I’m ok. I’m not lazy. In the mean time I was not productive at all And when the weekend came I was completely nervous and hyped up. Let’s see how this week goes.